The Stolen Case of No
No is a familiar word from our lips and I have explained its extensive use and important value to our kind on a previous occasion. We use now to exert our hold over you. It is not only used in that sense but also as a reminder that you have lost the use of no because we steal that from you and then, when saying “no” to you on a repeated basis we are flaunting what we have taken from you.
We steal your ability to say no very soon into the entanglement. We pluck it away from you with ease and subterfuge so that it seems as if you have placed the use of the word “no” into retirement when actually it has been carefully and quietly spirited away from you. During devaluation, the theft is far more apparent. It has been a brazen burglary, a smash and grab as each time we metaphorically hit you over the head (and in some cases also do so literally) and make off with your use of the word “no”. It is removed from you forcibly and then waved around in front of you on a daily basis, a vicious reminder that we can use it and you cannot. Therein this underlines our superiority over you. The acquisition of the word “no” is an early and key aim of when we ensnare you. We set out to take it from you, acquire it for our own extensive use and deny you the opportunity of using it ever again. Inevitably the questions of how and why we do this manifest. First of all, how do we achieve this pilfering? What forms does it take?
- You lose the capacity to say no to our advances during seduction.
- You cannot say not to spending time with us.
- You cannot say not to the suggestions we make.
- You cannot say no to the places we take you.
- You cannot say no to the gifts we shower you with.
- You cannot say no the first time we take your hand.
- You cannot say not the first time we move closer to kiss you.
- You cannot say no when we take you to bed.
- You cannot say no when we keep staying at your place.
- You cannot say no when we invite you to stay with us.
- You cannot say no when we turn up unexpectedly and invite you out for lunch or coffee.
Think back to your seduction (or if you are still inside this period consider the ongoing situation) and how readily you accede to all these requests. It is easy because there is always an upside. You cannot say no, because you do not want to say no, because you do not want to miss out on the experience of being with us and being bound closer to us. You do not realise this but we have already stolen your ability to say no. Just in the way that a totalitarian state tells you what to think, say and do, we do the same but it is all wonderful, golden and benign. This is because when we take away your capacity to say no during the seduction of the golden period we are governing you through love. This regime is as controlling as any other but is uses love to achieve governance.
What then of devaluation? How then does the theft of “no” occur?
- You do not say no to our demands that you run around after us.
- You do not say no to our command that you stay in and do not go out with your friends.
- You are forbidden from saying no to our demands in the bedroom, no matter how degrading and humiliating they may be.
- You do not say no to our sudden explosions of rage but rather you must deal with them and ride you out.
- You do not say not to the repeated crossing of your boundaries through our invasion of your personal space, the occupation of your accommodation, the use of your resources such as time and money.
- You do not say no to our coming and going as we please. We are entitled and we remove your ability to say no in order to further this sense of absolute entitlement.
- You do not say no to our erosion of your self-confidence, self-worth and self-esteem as we whittle them away through the repeated applications of our manipulations.
- You do not say not to our isolation of you, as we ensure you spend time with us and do not socialise with friends and family.
- You do not say no to the frequent manipulations that are applied to you, but rather you suck them up and deal with them as best as you can.
The totalitarian regime that we implement is no longer one which used love in order to govern. That has been replaced with fear. Fear of repercussions, of responses, reactions and consequences has the word no evaporate from your vocabulary. Even if you try and say it, it will not come naturally, but rather sticks in your throat until we seize it and pull it away from you once again leaving you with no option other than to say “yes”.
The theft of “no” continues even after you are discarded as well.
- You do not say no to our smearing of you to third parties, since you are bewildered and do not have the energy or coping mechanisms to fight back;
- You do not say no to our hoovering of you by saying no to our home visits, no to our telephone calls or no to our messages;
- You do not say no to the memories of us but rather allow them to fill your mind and continue our infection of you;
- You do no say no to wondering what we are doing and who with
- You do not say no to spying on us, trawling our social media profile and asking others about us.
- You do not say no to the reinstatement of the golden period.
No is denied to you repeatedly. It is taken from your lexicon of words and if you ever try to take it back, it is soon whipped away from you once again. We own your use of the word “no”. We understand the power that comes with its use and that is why we take it by any means possible. At first through the false love and then through the imposition of fear, intimidation and threat.
Why do we do this? Why do we make it our aim to remove your capacity to resist, refuse and thus say no?
- The word “no” is powerful. More so than “yes”. It is harder to say but when used it is powerful. We want to remove that power from you and have it ourselves.
- By preventing you from saying no to us we can control you and have you do what we want.
- Only the great have the ability to say no. We have it. Therefore, we are superior. You do not. You are therefore inferior.
- You know you should say it but you cannot. This damages your self-worth even further.
- Watching you try to say the word we have taken causes you pain, frustration, upset and anger, all of which lead to the provision of fuel.
The removal of “no” from you to us is a lynchpin in our manipulation of you. How ought you to deal with this theft? It is simple enough. Always remember where you have placed the word “no”, take it out, use it, practise with it, say it to yourself in the mirror and remember that the more you use it the harder it is for us to steal it from you and keep it from you.
39 thoughts on “The Stolen Case of No”
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Reblogged this on Speak Out 4 Others (Healing from Narcissistic Abuse, Domestic Violence, and Sexual Assault) and commented:
NO? You can’t say, “NO” to anything or you will be punished and suffer consequences (even if you aren’t aware of it right away). They may go cheat, like mine did, and tell you they did it because you deserved it.
OMG!! Who knew? Outstanding blog HG. Thank you.
There is one person who would dare clamp their hand over my mouth in such a fashion. And that person is the only one who would get away with it.
“No, I don’t want your number (no)
I don’t want to give you mine and (no)
I don’t want to meet you nowhere (no)
Don’t want none of your time”
-TLC Scrubs
Practice small…no I don’t want sugar with that
Go bigger…no that does not suit me
Eventually put that stop hand up when he’s talking smack/names/bullying and say “stop” I will no longer listen to you and leave the room, the house, the call.
Small ways to get your power back…
Love it Indy!
I visited my son’s schools this week and I thought of you. Lol
My son is mostly non verbal with exceptions that he has learned through ABA and there is a girl in his class that is targeting him with constant questioning and mild violence. They made a few responses on lamented cards and put them on a key ring for him to point to or to say when he needs to.
One was a giant “NO”
I told the teacher I needed one to carry around as a reminder. Lol
Awwwww. Sweet boy, I hope the girl gets the message. I know ABA is hard work and so worth it. Hugsssss to you both!!!! My grandson, who has autism (yeah I’m a Nana in my 40s, 😊 he was in ABA therapy before starting preschool. At 3 years he had 5 words, (one being the word “no”, lol), now at 4.5 he is speaking in stiff short sentences. I nearly cried when he first said Nana this year.
That makes me soooo happy to hear that. It is a lot of work but hearing and seeing the results are inspiring. We have been doing ABA for 13 years.
It melts my heart when they succeed at something. It sounds like he is making a lot of progress. I bet that was a wonderful day for you.
Sending you both hugs back. ❤️❤️❤️❤️
I have discussed this in therapy many times,
I didn’t know this happened to me until I started reading your books and this blog.
Another red flag I missed was observing her girlfriend and another friend never say “no” to her or challenge her. I thought it was odd that they always just let her win or just believed anything that she would say. But that became me also.
She gradually took that word from my vocabulary. As friends I tried ro say “no” but she taught me that I would get the silent treatment. It was the constant fear that I would lose her. That I would be replaced.
I never said “no” to the demands, commands, and most importantly the crossing of the boundaries.
And then when the relationship turned intimate that word was never spoken again. And when I accepted her proposal, that was another deal sealed for her. ( I couldn’t have said “no” and she knew it)
I continued to think I was the lucky one and was getting a soulmate to spend my life with. I was brainwashed til the very end.
I found it very interesting to see how the theft continues. I will always have to work on these. No wonder your Hoovers work so well.
I do practice saying it now.
Thank you for sharing that SW, your observations are always interesting to read. No is a powerful word.
As You know my dear G. I am not able to say NO to You ever 😉 it’s always a case of YESES 😉❤ but You know that already 😉
Indeed I do.
how do You find my new nickname here dear G.? 😉😇
Apt.
Thought fuel.
Just as I thought so G. 😉
Is this Leilani? If so, wouldn’t your nickname be Seduce instead of Seduced?
Nevermind. I figured who you are. Lol same icon shape and color.
I suck at the name change game.
Hello Love, here I am.
*This just makes me want (typo in last line)
This just wants me to say no to everything now…I know…I know real mature but just saying!
well YOU during golden period don’t say NO either… well played…
Wow. This is uncanny. So true. So interesting to read what ive already figured out on my own. As i was beginning to come out of the fog and realize if i was going to live, i had to get away from this guy….. and as things were beginning to clear…i saw this…… i didn’t exactly realize i was living like this for years. Abt 8 years….
Understanding this explains so much of my behavior especially in immoral activities w him. Bc i could not say no. He took it away. Just like u said.
As i was understanding things better, i remember telling some of my friends this….that i Couldn’t say no to him. I remember standing in awe at my girlfriend who could say no to her husband. She just didn’t understand. I would say that i Couldn’t do that to mine. I couldn’t say no. Not bc i liked it, it was bc of the fear that i didn’t realize i was living under. But she just didn’t get it. Noone ever really gets it….except my mom….who has lived this nightmare w me.
Ps…. the 1 in your article that was NOT true for me was that i Couldn’t say no to the golden period. That was actually 1 i could totally say a big NO to. Never again.
So instead im punished .
No kidding.
No means no.
I said no.
No
What part of no do you not understand?
No time.
No clue.
No no no no no no no
yes, please
Again very accurate, I do have a chess board HG up for a game?
Absolutely. You have one king and one pawn. I have the usual set up. Away we go.
One king, one pawn. Sounds like a dad and child up against the world, including a queen matri narc. Sounds like the position you were in as a child HG
Indy, I can always rely on you to grasp the metaphor. Come sit at the front of the class!
No more naughty step, woo hoo!!!
Thank you HG for recommending everyone to practice saying “no”. This is something I have done for the past several years with myself and my clients. It’s a new skill still but getting stronger. It caused some issues in my ex relationship, though for some reason he knew not to push me when I said no. This he shifted to mind bending with me. It is our right to say no and a practice of self care and drawing boundaries.
Off topic, watching Black Mirror with drinks. Love this series. Just saw White Bear Justice episode.
Some have actually said no to my “repeated crossing of boundaries”, but that doesn’t stop me from continuing to trample said boundaries.
Lol thanks Cara. I always enjoy hearing the narc POV. Does the word No annoy you or is it meaningless?
It’s meaningless
Lol I figured. Thank you
What effect in your brain is there when you are in the cycle “harm, pretend it’s not happening. Harm, pretend it’s not happening” etc.
I’m struggling to get my head around how it is possible to let things get that bad for someone.
This is how we are wired, we are designed to deal with this switching without feeling any guilty or concern at operating in such a manner. It is how we are.
NO brainer, just say NO and they vanish. Thanks HG. Uh, I mean NO thanks.
The further it goes, the more interesting it becomes… Your posts are so accurate and on time that I often am left very astonished. The narcissist I am dealing with confessed that he mastered the art of hypocrisy very well, therefore I’m too good to give up. The higher I raise the bar, the more he wants to reach out to me. I’m determined very firmly not to give in, but that encourages him even more. Your articles help to understand so much and act according to his reality. It is amusing.
I too feel astonished by the accurancy