The End?

the-end_

 

The discard has happened. Most likely you have worked out that you have been dumped, cast-off, tossed to the wayside or you may be one of the “luckier” ones who has received some kind of explanation that the Formal Relationship is over. But is it the end and what can you expect from the manner by which this Formal Relationship has been brought to a conclusion? What does what has happened really mean? There are several different scenarios which can occur in this instance and I shall explain what each one means to aid your understanding and to enable you to then decide how you can better protect yourselves.

  1. The Vanishing

You have been discarded but there was no explanation provided. You were not told that the Formal Relationship has ended. No message, no telephone call and not even a message through a third party. You have not had to learn that we are seeing somebody else through a friend to suddenly realise that the wonderful relationship you once cherished has been brought to an end. Not only has there been no explanation, you are completely unable to contact us. You ring our number. You have either been blocked or the number has changed. You try and track us down at home (if you knew where that was) but we have moved out or there is no way of gaining admittance to see us. You cannot get past the gatekeeper to find us at work. The usual bars and other haunts where you might hope to find us are devoid of our presence. It is as if we have vanished off the face of the earth.

We will be imagining your upset and distress at being discarded and also being unable to see us and this will provide us with some Thought Fuel but this is limited. We do not want anything more to do with you (for now). We are not interested in gathering further fuel from you. There is no triangulation. This happens when we have been able to embed a brilliant new source of primary fuel (often without you knowing) and our needs are now being met from this person. They have our total focus and they are so good that you really are less than an afterthought. Of course there remains the possibility of you being hoovered, subject to entering the relevant spheres of influence, but that is not going to happen for months, possibly even longer. We have our eyes on a different prize and feel no need to even look to you for any kind of fuel for quite some time. It is cold comfort for you to be treated this way but if does provide you with a clear run at recovery and no contact without ongoing hoovers, that is of course if you are able to drive us from your soul and heart.

  1. The Statfa

 

The Statfa (short for the stay the fuck away from me) is the scenario where you have been discarded with no explanation. You are however able to contact us in some way. Naturally, you are bound to do this because you want to know what on earth has just happened, why we have not called you in several days, not answered our ‘phone when you have called or not responded to messages that you have sent. Upset and puzzled, you have waited for us outside of the office or ambushed us at the supermarket. You want answers but you are not going to get them. You will be told that you are crazy, a psycho, a stalker and that you should stay the fuck away from us.

This is done to draw negative fuel from you by compounding your distress with our aggressive and dismissive response. In this instance we have not been able to perform the Vanishing and thus we remain open to you appearing. We are not interested in drawing further negative fuel from you because we want to concentrate on our new and shiny primary source of fuel. The fact that you have re-appeared causes us to feel ashamed, hence the aggressive response. We are ashamed that we have not been able to remove you from the face of the earth because you are a reminder that we once had to rely on you for our fuel, someone who we truly despise. We are sickened at the thought that we had any reliance on someone like you and we do not want you to remind us of this, so stay away. We do not want you messing up this brilliant new fuel source that we have obtained., so stay away. You are a thorn in our side and we want rid of you, so stay away. If you do not, expect further vitriolic responses and then there will be the unleashing of measures designed to keep you away – our lieutenants will be dispatched, legal letters and visits from the police will follow. You of course cannot understand why you are being treated this way. You still want answers but they will not be forthcoming. The hoover will come, subject to the usual considerations, but as in the scenario above, it will not be for some time.

  1. Half-Answers

You will actually be told that the Formal Relationship is at an end. It may be through a message, a telephone call or even face-to-face. You can expect this scenario to be more likely when dealing with Greater Narcissists (possibly some mid-range). In this scenario you will receive some fabricated explanation about why we can no longer go on together and usually it will be based on us rather than you.

“I cannot stand to hurt you any longer.”

“I just need time to think what I am doing and it is not fair to make you wait.”

“I have to work a few things out.”

“I guess this is just who I am.”

Be under no illusion, these comments are not being made because we recognise that we are at fault. We are never at fault. Nor are these comments being made because we recognise that we have some kind of problem, we do not, you have the problem, but we are savvy enough to realise that performing some kind of mea culpa routine is an ideal way of keeping you hanging on. In typical empathic fashion, you will want to understand, you will want answers and you will want to help. This scenario is designed to end the Formal Relationship but allow you to hang around as much as you like. There is no diktat for you to keep away from us, we may even suggest we remain friends and such like. You will find out soon enough that you have been replaced, we may even tell you. All of this is done from a sadistic position of wanting to see how crushed you are as we tell you in part what has happened. We want to witness your reaction to draw that Proximate Fuel from you and also to revel in the exercising of our power. We want to see how you beg, cling and plead. We are replacing you but we want you to hang around because we know there is more fuel to be gained, triangulation to engage in and a marvellous game of push and pull to perform.

You will keep in touch with us, hoping to win us back, to gain answers, to try and find closure and therefore the hoovering will be minimal because in fact they are reverse hoovers as we create a situation where you keep in touch with us. We will explain it away to the new primary source that you have “issues” and we are trying to help you understand it is over, when all we are doing is keeping you around for fuel, not letting you gain any closure so that we can reinstate you in an instant when we deem it appropriate to do so, as the primary source.

  1. The Knifing

This scenario is akin to the one above except it is combined with telling you to stay away from us. There is the benefit, to us, of gaining Proximate Fuel by telling you that the Formal Relationship is over. This scenario is more common with Lessers and lower Mid-Range Narcissists. There is no mea culpa because the narcissist I not sophisticated to engage in creating a false sense of responsibility for the demise of the relationship. Instead, he or she will entirely blame you. You are a whore, a psycho, a nutcase, you are lazy, ugly, fat, smelly, uncaring, selfish, bipolar, mental – you think of the insult and it will be flung at you. It is nasty and brutal. A new primary source has been lined-up and we want to focus on that person but not before telling you just what an awful person you are and as part of this aggressive step to tell you to remain away from us. This is driven again by shame, but rather than sling away from you, it manifests as an explosion of rage as you are told in no uncertain terms that you are at fault for the relationship foundering, we have done nothing wrong and we are leaving you. You will probably be told about the new primary source as well and hellishly triangulated at the moment of discard as we describe how much better he or she is than you. You are given a thorough roasting through this dressing down. We then want you stay away because we truly think you are a psycho and we do not want you spoiling our wonderful new relationship with the primary source. The hoovers will come in due course, but again not for some time.

  1. The Parade

You are discarded. There is no explanation. You find out when we are seen by others (or even you) cosying up with our new primary source. This newcomer will have been warned about you and how dangerous you are, that you are unstable and abusive. This has been done to prime the triangulation that we will engage in by showing off our new acquisition. You will react and we will no doubt be confronted by you. The new primary source will already be brainwashed by our smearing of you, but this will not stop you trying to convince her she has made a mistake as you try to find out what on earth is going on. You will say we were together last week and we will calmly deny it saying the relationship ended three months ago but “she” just won’t accept it, she is made, a crazy, a stalker. The new primary source will always believe you and you will open up, pouring out fuel for us as a consequence of having your replacement paraded before us in such a callous and hurtful manner. You will be drawn in by reverse hoovers as you keep trying to convince her to get away from us and as you try to tell us wat you really think of us. If you do not, expect to have “us” rubbed in your face through all manner of Relationship Bulletins which are in effect hoovers as we continue to triangulate you, not wanting you back, but to draw fuel, either positive or negative from you.

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13 thoughts on “The End?”

  1. After a 3 years marriage, and after I have left my country, job, house, family and friends I received the nr 4…. The day before he have “cleaned” my bank account. I had no place to go, nothing to eat and I was 3.000 kms away from my friends. I have slept 2 days in a forest… The Black Forest in Germany, in January, with – 17 Celsius. I didn’t eat or drink anything for 2 days. I lost everything; furniture, clothes, fotos, documents. I’m back in my country and I already have more then I have left there. Today I walk and speak with no fear. I’m loved by my friends and family. My, still husband, on the paper, have a new flame since he discarded me, still uses the weeding Ring and I will be divorced when one of us is dead…. Is it over? Yes, for him! He is 50, alcoholic, takes many drugs, had lost the good lookings and lives from I don’t know what. The family had finally understand with what they must live with. Me, I am a new woman in ” construction”, the reading, the knowledge of what I lived with, the yoga, the therapie, the mindfulnes, the friends, the Art, had brought me to this moment. Is it over? No, my life has just began!

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    1. I am so sorry to hear what You went through. My heart is in pain knowing how much You have suffered. You are one courageous strong lady! All the best to You!

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  2. Currently experiencing “the parade” 😐 husband refuses to leave the house so i am not sure it will help me but i am trying to have as little contact as possible. He has no idea why i am so angry and i just cant accept this third person and see how great she is. I am reading your book on the exorcism and going to therapy for myself. Thank you for trying to help the best you can.

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  3. I am currently in (and have gone through many times) this exact scenario. Basically whenever there is a profound turmoil in his opinion, is when this event occurs. Although he swears he remains faithful, the verbal threats cut just as deep as the actual act of infidelity. One clear example would be how he works away from home for a week or two at a time. During these short stints he will insist that “he’s just too tired to call home” or he will insist, “you’re the one over there doing who knows what.” The explicit words follow. I’m then made out to be a whore, told that he should have stayed with an old fling, or he will make things equal, & I “need to play fair.” Of course all I suggested was my concern for him after not hearing from him after work hours are finished. If you play with fire, expect to be burned. I’ve learned a lot of shortcuts and how to manage these occurrences (albeit fairly random). One suggestion I have is to simply not reply, show no emotion, and become invisible. This allows me to become neutral and allows for a new agitator to step on stage. (Which is rather swift in my situation as he is a walking time bomb ready to explode at every opportunity.) Unfortunately I’m forced to remain in this conundrum as I’m 36 weeks pregnant and have to find a successful way to co-parent with him.

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    1. You are not forced to stay Emily. Yes you will always have to co-parent with him, but you do not have to stay and subject both yourself and your child to him. At the very least if you decide to stay, please remember when you wrote this and do not fall for his claims to change and have any more children with him. It will be hard enough for you with one and you need not provide him anymore victims or witness to you being victimized.

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  4. What is the difference between the two articles The End? and House of discard? Both are about how the narcissist will end the relationship with you. So why are there 3 ways to end the relationship in The End? And 5 ways in House of discard? Also the ways differ in the two articles. Please advise

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    1. Hi KT, the House of Discards is about the over arching classes of methods of discard and The End concerns types within those classes. So, the STATFA and the Vanishing are in the Vanishing Act, Knifing is part of the Savage Strike class and Half Answers falls in the Wedge Class.

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