Six Silent Soul Destroyers


The use of and imposition of silence are two of the most powerful weapons in our abusive arsenal. Silence is easy to deploy and horrendously effective in securing our aims of compliance, control and fuel.

1. My silence is always meaningful

You may sit quietly because you have no need to say anything. You may remain silent because you are listening to somebody else or just enjoying the silence.  We do not allow silence to be used in such a passive and redundant fashion. Our silence is used to convey contempt. It is used to draw concern and cause anguish in you. When we fall silent that pregnant pause is an indicator of the fury which will be unleashed against you. The longer silence is the imposition of our cold fury as you are banished to a sustained silent treatment. When we sit in silence we are not savouring the lack of noise, we are thinking, planning and plotting, calculating our next step. Our silences are weapons, they are our operations headquarters, our defence against your critical wounding of us. We use silence to hurt you, warn you, scold you and indicate you have overstepped the mark. Every silence has a meaning, it would be remiss of us to use it any other way.

2. Absence makes the silence longer

The deployment of an absent silent treatment where we remove ourselves from you, invariably with no warning or indication is a confirmation to you that this silent treatment will not be short-lived. The need to absent ourselves sends you a clear signal that we will be gone for some time. It is designed to have you come after us, try to contact us and beg and plead so that you fuel us. When we impose a period of absence by vanishing we are reinforcing how easily we are able to consider you gone from our lives. You may not even be able to contact us but we gather fuel from our knowledge that this sudden disappearance will cause you considerable consternation and worry. The absent silent treatment is also a key indicator that we are engaged in the seduction of a new prospect and providing this person with our false love and attention, which we have removed from you.

3. The silent gesture

Our silences are not just occasioned by us not talking to you or absenting ourselves for a period of time. We deploy silence through gestures. We may not turn up when we have agreed to a date with you, in order to reinforce how you mean so little to us and that we have any number of more pressing engagements to attend to than dine with you in a restaurant. Leaving you alone in bed, our side of the bed now empty and cold is also a hammer blow to your confidence and self esteem as we choose the spare room, the sofa or the bed of another in preference to being with you during the night. The silent telephone call from a withheld number, used when we are hoovering you, is designed to put you on edge. Is it us calling you this late? It must be mustn’t it, but you cannot be sure? The failure to buy you a gift on your birthday,  creating a gap which ought to have been filled stands out considerably and allows us to apply maximum hurt through such a silent gesture.

4. The silent presence

By giving you the cold shoulder when everyone else is met warmly and enthusiastically, we cause you to feel completely alone even when you are surrounded by others. You try to carry on as if nothing has happened but you know that people will be wondering why we are not speaking to you. You feel the flush of embarrassment as once again you try to speak to us and you receive only a glare and then we sweep away. You want to challenge us but as ever it is you that will be criticised for creating a scene. You want to upbraid us for our childish sulking but you have learned that the consequences of doing so are not worth suffering. We of course know all this and we know how powerful our freezing you out in the company of others really is.

5. Suffer in silence

You are never to speak of what goes on between you and I to anyone else. Should you ever do so you are committing an act of heinous betrayal and your punishment for such a transgression will be malicious and fierce. You are not to betray me and speak of what you are subjected to. You are to endure it so that you become a better person, one who is compliant and obedient. Do you understand? I also know that you fear the repercussions of speaking out and this enforces my curfew. I also know that you feel compelled to remain loyal because of the golden period and how you feel duty bound to remain and try to resolve matters, work this difficult period through and fix what has become somehow broken. Your indefatigable spirit teeters on the brink of misplaced pride at not telling tales and instead knuckling down, irrespective of what is thrown at you, in order to bring about a resolution to our problems. You cannot succeed but you do not know that yet. For now you must suffer in silence.

6. I speak, you stay silent

Never interrupt me, never talk over me, never steal my thunder. When I speak everybody listens because what I have to say is brilliant, great and of tremendous import. You would do well to listen to improve yourself, please me and avoid angering me. You are my sounding board, Horatio to my Hamlet, a listener and in my presence you only speak when it is required to honour my achievements and laud my greatness. You are to be seen but only heard when I deem it necessary. Who wants to listen to what you have to say anyway? You only get invited to events because of me. They are only friends with you because they are friends of mine. Nobody is interested in you. Nobody. So stay quiet and listen.

10 thoughts on “Six Silent Soul Destroyers

  1. Ruthless in high heels says:

    Greetings Mr Tudor
    I hope I can give you fuel that you enjoy..
    Quite simply you have changed my life .
    You gave me understanding
    (there is so much c .. p on the internet about narcissists).
    You gave me strength, You gave me the courage to face myself and him. .Facing him,
    I knew exactly what to say…
    Now I understand it..
    I know it is my choice whether to go or stay, not his..If I am treated badly I have chosen to let it happen..But things have improved immeasurably.
    Thank you
    For now I am exactly where I need to be ..This relationship has shown me there is something desperately wrong ..That is what it’s all been for. A hard way to find out but now I know I must go deep inside..Find it all out and fix it..You have given me the courage to do that..
    In the meantime knowing every game every move and understanding what’s behind it changes the dynamic..Not his behaviour that can never change!! But for the time being I am treated as a top of the range appliance
    Sent with all my gratitude
    Respectfully of course !
    ( Dirty little secret ) .. But. Top of the range appliance and I won’t settle for being i!!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  2. Triad says:

    Indeed, everyone. It is the most potent weapon of all. Even more than silence. It is the very power we have to move you. That battlefield is inside your mind and heart. We are there with you inside your thoughts and emotions, with you in your cogitations, making sure you are made to override all your own better instincts, and do only whatever we want you to. Definitely frightening for whoever is on the receiving end, exhilirating for us.

  3. Seduced says:

    Silence… we hate it but You teach us to love it and live with it…time to move onto another weapon …

  4. Darkness Falls Again says:

    Triad that is a very frieghtening statement, yet holds truth.

  5. Triad says:

    We can even turn you into a weapon against yourself, and wield you anytime we want.

    1. The Punisher says:

      I believe this may have been done to me, Triad.

  6. Darkness Falls Again says:

    Silence is a formable weapon, he once told me he could turn anything into a weapon.
    I see how a Greater could
    Maybe somethings with a Mid
    Never a lessor

  7. Indy says:

    I agree, this is a formidable weapon of abuse. This definitely was in the top tier of weapons my ex used, making my suspicion that he is a mid ranger more solidified. However, this was one abuse tactic I was aware of, had some training on its use and i often mirrored back to give him a taste of it. I would either call him out on it, get angry (which gave him fuel), or walk out and not give him the time because I knew what he was doing . I even consciously did not seek him out and did not call him because it gave him attention for this bad behavior. The only thing he did get from me was occasional bouts of anger when I called him out which unwittingly gave him fuel. I gave him Intermittent reincement, unfortunately, which didn’t stop him but made him do it more and more intensely . That’s why NC is vital and needs to be ruthlessly maintained. One tidbit of reward means he can get through and he’ll try even harder the next time. So painful to go through.

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