Five Howling Wildernesses
Five reasons it cannot work
1. Nothing about the golden period is real
It feels like every day is summer doesn’t it? Warm and wonderful. No rain clouds anywhere, just a cornflower blue sky. Not a cloud to be had. Everything is fantastic. We do everything together. We match on every conceivable level. I like what you like. We laugh at the same things. We enjoy the same books and films. I know what you are about to say. We like to cook together, try new wines and explore interesting places. Whether it is forest or foam, city or village we both enjoy going to these places and do so together. We are soulmates. I do not want anyone but you. You have finally met the person that you have wanted all of your life. You still cannot believe how lucky you are to have found someone like me, someone who cares for you, holds you, loves you and showers you with attention, praise and affection. What would you do without me? You struggle to even remember what life was like before I appeared, shiny and exciting. You never want it to end and you allow this golden effect to permeate deep inside you, touching every part of you. Every fibre of your being is coated with my golden touch. None of it is real. You have spent all your time looking at a mirror whilst wrapped in an illusion. I was never any of those things. I just showed you wanted you wanted to see, said what you wanted to hear and did what you wanted to experience. I am a con-man, a charlatan and a fraudster who trades in fake love and steals your true love. I am not what you think I am, I never was and I never will be.
2. Nothing is ever good enough
How soon the golden and glistening empire rots and rusts, those gleaming towers of glass and chrome shatter and crumble. What once seemed like it would stand for a thousand millennia has come crashing down. You scurry left and right, attending and caring, working yourself into a frenzied confusion as you try to hold it together. You cannot accept that this is happening and you try your utmost to stop the cascading stone and the splintering timber but it is an impossible task. You can no more prevent this edifice from tumbling to the ground than you can hold back the tide. The manifestation of this crumbling empire and your frantic efforts to rebuild it comes in how you try and try to please me. You give more of yourself each day in your desire to salvage what you understand, wrongly, to be us. You steadily erode your integrity in a bid to please me, make me happy and do whatever it takes to make things good once again. Each time you think you have got there, the bar is raised higher and then higher still. You keep giving and I keep taking. What worked last week is now scorned. What made me tell you that I loved you a month ago annoys me instead. I no longer want to be with you or be touched by you. No matter how hard you work, cook, clean, tidy and care. No matter how much effort you put into maintaining your figure, dressing attractively and taking an interest in my day, you are only ever met with scowls, scorn and abuse. You do not give up, not yet, but you fail to realise that this is a hole which can never be filled.
3. Nothing stops the games being played
The tears in your eyes will not abate the cruelty. The soft glistening tears which roll down your cheeks only appear as blood to the cruising shark. A green light to continue with the denigration and vicious nastiness in order to provoke more emotion from you. Today is a day of silence. The shoulder cold and brutal as you try to fathom out what is wrong and what you have done. Tomorrow is all smiles again although you are none the wiser as to what has happened to change that but by sundown you will be traipsing to a cold and empty bed as I vanish once again. I sit in my chair seemingly staring into nothingness but I am mentally flicking through my Devil’s Toolkit as I consider my next move. I arrange the pieces, you, my friends, my family, your friends, the neighbours and the man in the sandwich shop. All of you pawns on my giant chessboard as I decide where you should go. You try to learn the rules, to stay onside and avoid transgression but these games are played with just one rule. There are no rules. I revel in my gamesmanship as each day I deploy a new machination against you. These games will tear you apart and you can never hope to win at them.
4. Nothing surpasses fuel
Everything revolves around obtaining fuel, from you, form him and from her. It is a ceaseless quest for my lifeblood which ensures that I am always on the hunt. Restless until I find sufficient fuel and then planning the next move, this need comes above all else. Events are disrupted, dates are delayed, birthdays are ruined and anniversaries forgotten all in order to acquire my fuel. Your needs are placed way below mine, for fuel is everything. I have no responsibilities save the acquisition of fuel so children, jobs, money, health and harmony are all left at the wayside, neglected and abandoned to enable me to pursue the only thing that truly matters to me. I will do anything, say anything and be anything to obtain this fuel. Fuel makes me hurt you, fuel makes me seduce your best friend, fuel makes me fire the nice guy in the office, fuel makes me take centre stage at get togethers. Fuel is all.
5. Nothing will ever change.
There are those of my kind who know not what they are and any such attempts to pin them with the blame of awareness will be resisted with the speed and instinct of pulling your hand away from a flame. They do not know what they are but they know that you are the enemy, seeking to foist change when it is not needed, a part of your attempt to control them and punish them when they have done nothing wrong. Change is not needed and will never happen with them. Those of us who know what we do see no reason to change. We are conquerors, pioneers, leaders and ubermensch. We are supreme beings and we are always right. You make the changes to yourself and fit in with my new world order. I am mightier than you. This all works for me so why should I change? I am not required to change, I am the decider, I am not the one who is decided upon. I rule. I am not ruled. This is how it is and it shall always be the case. Deal with it. I will not change and I cannot change. I know what I am but I choose this, who would not do so when you are as triumphant and brilliant as I am? Nothing will ever change.
Besides, I am terrified of change.
37 thoughts on “Five Howling Wildernesses”
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Thanks for the advice all.
Husbands family are all for us going back to H town and they miss us being there.
But the old area is scorched ground and so I must stay put where I am and keep away from the scorched ground. One problem, our son is living with his grandparents (his dads parents) and son his happy there.
H probably encouraged our son to go and stay with his grandparents to lure me back faster ?? However our 19 year old son has his own life to lead and I know that. Son doesn’t want to live in this area and is comfortable in the old area. I do feel sad about that. But I do need my family close by and feel Why should I have to go back to H town after all he put me through.
Thanks again. Thanks HG Bless you.
You are welcome Jane.
Hello Jane
Stay close to your support system, this is not a time you need to take any chances of isolation.
There is no reason to do this alone when it sounds like you have people who love you.
Its hell to go through, and alone its, well lets just say hell is a pleasant place to visit.
This is just my opinion, yet many thoughts of peace be with you.
HG – I am at a crossoads. Our house is sold. I have 3 choices.
1 – move into a rented house with daughter in this area (near to family and a supportive church where I have made friends – but hub hates)
2 – BUY a house in this area (smaller than the one I am selling – having to sell because it is a project house unfinished which we want to be rid of) or
3 – buy a house in Hubbys hometown, away from MY family and the church I go to. But, close to Hubbys family ( who are all for their son and feel he has been hard done by) ?????
I am really confused. My sister says I should stay in this are and that although hubby has changed….the old area (hubbys home town) is scorched ground and I should go where I want to go.
Feel really concerned about making the right decision.
I suggest you listen to your sister. As for the rental v buying argument, you have a better idea of the financial situation you are in, than I do, so you ought to have regard to that.
Hi Jane,
Keep your support network close, stay close to your family and your friends. It helps with the healing process! Just my two cents,
Best to you!
God, reading these comments break my heart. I cannot imagine being with a narc more than a few years. I commend you all for being so strong and rising above the abuse after so long. You should be very proud of yourselves.
It makes me question what is wrong with me. I understand this is not a game yet I’ve skipped through each relationship enduring the complete narc cycle and then I moved on to the next narc eagerly looking for the same fix. Is it because I did not suffer for years on end or is there something truly wrong with me? Why would I still crave and need another one?
Because of sub-conscious needs which you have Love which we cater for even though the effect is ultimately harmful. We create an addiction to ease the pain which you have, but all we do is remove one pain and replace it with a larger one.
HG, Beautifully explained to Love and very true.
Its like Heroin(opiate pain killer), the short term gain (numbness) for long term pain(addiction). BTW, HG, we mirror each other in this aspect. Two sides of the same coin (pain)
Thank you Mr. Tudor and Indy. It’s very deep. Too deep for me to want to touch. I rather not. Ok, back to my candyland I go. Where did I park my unicorn?
Bonnie I understand completely, I was fortunate enough mine died very soon after this, yet I spent 23 years with this man, a part of me loved him, a part of me hated him.
Today I spent my first holiday free of arguements, beatings, and put downs. Yet it took 7 years and coming across The very first book of HG’s, his blog and speaking directly with him, to even get me to celebrate. Read all you can, ask questions, listen with an open mind.
The best thing about this is regardless of HGs reasons for starting all of this is he is the Best, most quilfied to provided the insights for bringing the knowledge that is so desperately needed.
Darkness, mine has done the same. Choked, knife to throat etc. I just keep it all in now. I can’t say anything retalitory. I can’t remember the name of the post HG wrote, but in it he says how they will stop at nothing to spark the negative fuel. Mine goes after my kids with inappropriate comments. Calling the kids names, and I can’t help but jump in to defend them and he knows it. I try the gray rock. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn’t. The hardest part is through all this evil, my heart still doesn’t want to believe it
Matilda, yes I am taking all of those precautions. I still love him so I have to fix own stupidity already. I cannot grasp the pure evilness. I read what HG writes and he is so spot on, it makes me feel sick.
HG, I haven’t read that one yet. I will. Thank you
You are welcome Bonnie.
You are not stupid, Bonnie. You have been conned. Remember the advice here from Matilda, HG, and the works he writes. I used his books to leave, they work. Departure Imminent is excellent and helped me. Don’t forget, you are in a fog and you are getting clarity and strength. Keep building it here, like Matilda said, get connected with a domestic violence group (they often have free therapy for you and kids), free support and can get you housing and a lawyer if needed if you are married. Stay safe.
~light and healing~
Wise words Indy.
Good, so glad to hear that, Bonnie! You just don’t know what he is capable of doing…
Your love for him is real… his love for you is an illusion, that is the brutal truth… it cuts so deep, and it will hurt for a long time, even after you’ve escaped… but know that you are not alone, and you will heal… onwards and upwards! 🙂
Bonnie my heart just broke as I read how your holiday was going and brought back very vivid memories. Be careful as Matilda has stated he may be watching all of your movements. I know first hand on this. Mine attempted to kill me once he figured out what I was doing.
In time you will be able to see holidays as joyful events.
Keep reading all HG has, his insights are priceless and very empowering.
Behavior like yours is making people commit suicide. You should think about that.
Hello Becky, I have thought about it. What do you want me to do next?
I want to talk to your mother and/or father to find out what in the hell is wrong with you.
You cannot talk to my father because he is dead. If you spoke to my mother she would deny to you, as an outsider of the family, that there is anything wrong with me (she saves that allegation for me and spreading within the family). You are very welcome to talk to me about it though and I will be happy to explain it from my perspective for the purpose of aiding understanding. Do stay and interact.
Did you cry when he died?
No I did not. I rarely attend funerals (see the blog articles as to why) although I attended his. You can read about MatriNarc’s ridiculous behaviour in Confessions of a Narcissist.
I will read both of those. I have a MatriNarc myself (and a dead father coincidentally), so it won’t be an infamiliar read I’m sure.
Your writings seem very antagonist, which are in contrast to your helpful replies to readers, this unsettles me.
Some are because they are the brutal truth, there’s no sugar coating here. Others less so. I think you will find it balanced when you’ve read more.
Stick around, Becky. You’ll soon understand. HG is not here to coddle us. That doesn’t help us. He’s here to give us the only straight-up honest answers we’ll ever get. He empowers us. He makes us put our big girl panties on and deal with what is real. That’s an ally as far as I’m concerned. Just keep reading, you’ll see. By the way, HG, it’s Thanksgiving Day for us, and you’re one of the things I was thankful for this year, buddy.
Thank you Sherry.
Becky it is and it does. Honestly, I believe they would only see that as an opportunity to twist people around even those who may have the knowledge that their behaviour is right behind the decision to end ones life! They would quite easily convince those aiming judgement and blame at them, for instance a mother who lost a daughter and continue with such words as: “She was getting very difficult to speak to and becoming more and more crazy, you did not know her as I have in this past months,”
They would revel in it and it would be an opportunity for them to garnish so much of this fuel smule they need so much to survive, that they would be no doubt exhilarated and feel as energised as a power station. Great time for them fielding new targets as funeral arrangements are made, too. Despicable but that is what they do. be angry, shout it out loud and see the contradictions and know that they will raise the bar and continue to raise the bar. We are not talking about a case of rubella we are discussing a serious and dangerous delusional personality disorder!
Thank you very much, HG! Really appreciate this insight. His volatility and inconsistency would make me feel insecure and I would struggle with wanting to impress him by sharing about my accomplishments on the one hand and not wanting to make him feel inferior as I sensed his insecurities at times. Hope you are having a fantastic day!
Thank you IL and you are most welcome.
The helplessness and hopelessness of the situation is truly depressing. However, it makes me want to take on the challenge and beat the odds. HG, what happens when a narc meets someone who becomes a great source of fuel but whom the narc feels inferior to? I imagine it would not happen to you as a Greater but what about lesser or mid-range? Curious as to what sort of dynamic may arise in this case. Thank you very much!
Hello IL, during the seduction it is not an issue because the fact you might be superior to the narcissist in looks, earning power, intellect or whatever it is, is used by the narcissist for his own purposes – she is very clever and chose me, thus how clever must I be? See how superior I am, world? I have a model for a girlfriend, only the best can do that. Of course, once the devaluation starts the superiority of the primary source becomes a point of envy and jealousy so that we lash out all the more. We will turn this against you – “people only talk to you because they want to sleep with you” or “nobody thinks you are likeable just because you have degree.” This is done to draw fuel and assert superiority by belittling the trait. As ever, we are entirely comfortable with the contradictory stance adopted.
I just met with this monster not 10 minutes ago. I woke early to spend 5 hours cleaning. Starting cooking for the holiday, all of his favorite foods. Left him to sleep till noon. On my way out to pick up medicine, I decide to ask if he needed anything. I get met with a monster yelling at me to open the window. The smell of The turkey is making him sick to his stomach. He is going to be sick if I don’t open a window… The catch? There is no turkey cooking. I know he “hates” them. I didn’t cook one to avoid his rage. Somehow, it was still there. There is no pleasing him. I’m glad he once again made me feel like shit. It will only make me stronger when I can finally leave. Wait till he finds out I’ve been putting money away and packing. I can’t wait till he falls into the depths of hell where he rightfully belongs. Take this stupid holiday and this food and shove it. I hate everything.
Bonnie I’m really sorry your holiday is going like that. What’s more important than any holiday is that you know the truth and keep it in front of you. Stay strong and hold onto what you have learned here. You are way more valuable than wasting any more of yourself on him. You were meant to live for so much more. This time next year you can truly celebrate in peace being free and escaped slavery and bondage. A lot of us here can relate to what you are enduring and it’s real and it’s not okay to live like that any longer and you are going to find it in you to get away because you are worth it.
Hi Bonnie,
Take solace in the fact that you have awakened, and that your life will change for the better. Life is too precious and too short to waste it on someone who does not love you.
Please be careful as to how you plan and execute the escape, it is the most dangerous time in the course of an abusive relationship. Consider that he may monitor all your/shared devices (computer, tablet, mobile phone) and do your research away from home if possible, or ensure that you clear the browsing history if you do. He may also have installed a GPS tracker on your car. Contact your local domestic violence shelter for information on how to leave from a phone unknown to him. Continue as usual, you do not want to give him any clues on what’s going on in your mind.
He sounds like he does not have two brain cells to rub together, but better safe than sorry! Take heart, and good luck! x
Good advice Matilda and of course Bonnie make sure you read Departure Imminent as part of your planning.