Muddy Hell


I have a busy day today. Much to do and many people to do it to but when you have someone’s interests at heart, well, this is what you have to do isn’t it? I have the list of telephone numbers which I have noted down from your telephone when I gained access to it. It was not difficult to do so. Using my famous ability to move around without making much of a noise I stole up behind you and watched you enter the passcode for your phone and I stored that in my memory to enable me to use it when you were sleeping. Naturally I had a good look through all your messages, your diary and e-mails but that is for another discussion. I recognised the names of numerous people and made a note of their numbers inside my little book and then hid that in readiness for when I decided it was time I needed to use it. Now that time has come and it is incumbent on me to take this step.

The first number I enter into my phone is that of Sarah, a friend of yours. She answers after two rings. Like many people she is surgically attached to the ‘phone.

“Hello Sarah it is HG. Listen, I just wanted to let you know, since you are such a good friend of hers, that Gemma is, well I think the easiest way to describe it is that she is not well, not well at all. What do I mean? She has been acting rather strangely. The slightest thing seems to either have her shouting or crying. At first I wondered if it was just, you know, women’s things, but it has been going on for months now. You had no idea? No I know, I have not said anything before because well I was hoping I could help her  deal with it but it is beyond even me. I am going to get her some help. I try and talk to her about it but she just clams up on me, gives me silence and then a little later accuses me of not caring. I don’t think she is sleeping properly either and it takes me an age to get her to eat. Should you come round? No, thank you, that is kind of you, but I don’t want her to do anything which might upset you. She is very erratic in her behaviour but it is something more than just mood swings. I am going to get her the proper help but I am just forewarning you that if she contacts you just be aware that she is not herself. She has been saying things about people, me included, which are not very nice and I don’t want this period of illness to affect her relationship with her friends, you know how some people can be overly sensitive to what someone says and they miss the point they are unwell. Yes, that’s right. Yes I think it would be a good idea if you just give her some space. Yes, absolutely. If she does contact me, let me know, you have my number on your ‘phone now. Yes I will pass on your kind words and thanks for your help Sarah, it is much appreciated at this difficult time.”

I end the call and place a tick next to Sarah’s name. She was most understanding and fully appreciate the need for space in order to allow you to get better. Now, who is next. Ah yes, another of your friends, Helen. I call Helen and explain the situation almost word-for-word as I did with Sarah. She asks more details about what is wrong and I reluctantly tell her about the violence and the lying. She is shocked I can tell and she spends some time searching for an amateur diagnosis as to what it might be. I listen as she drones on, checking my watch and noting I have other names to get through too. Eventually I am able to conclude the call and place another tick. I continue working my way through your list of friends, the ticks adding up. Next is John, your fitness instructor.

“Hello John, this is HG, Gemma’s partner. We haven’t met. Look John, difficult call to make but Gemma is unwell at present. It is pretty serious. Yes, thank you, it is a difficult time but I am doing the best I can to help her. It is unclear at present what it is, I am organising for a doctor to come and see her today but it is making her very difficult to be around. She may be suffering from some kind of breakdown brought on by exhaustion. Yes, it is a worry. I know you would not have thought it to look at her outside of our house but I think this has been brewing for some time, you know, she even started telling me that she was going to marry you. Yes I know that is ridiculous isn’t it? You are already married? I thought you were. Don’t worry, I know nothing is going on, I am sure you are far too professional for that kind of thing, but this is part of the problem, she keeps coming out with outlandish comments and I can handle it but I worry others might not so she won’t need your services until further notice. Payment? Well yes if she has an agreement with you then just continue to take her monthly payment after all this is not your fault is it? I will let you know when she is well again but just in case she tries to contact you I think it would be best if you don’t take her calls, I don’t want her causing you any trouble especially between you and your wife. Thank you John, your discretion is appreciated.”

Another tick and a similar call is made to your choral group and your book club. Next is your employer. I made you take today off under the pretence of you gaining a lie in and then us doing something together. We stayed up late last night so you are still fast asleep upstairs allowing me to make these important telephone calls. Your employer is understanding and I can confirm that arrangements will be made to provide the relevant doctor’s note because I explained this situation is likely to last a number of weeks. My preparation thus segues into arranging for the local doctor to make a house call after I explain to the receptionist, in worried tones, that having you leave the house in your current state might be a risk to both you and other people. She was most understanding and confirmed that a doctor would attend after surgery, around 5pm. Next on the list are your family members. I secured the advantage of persuading you to move with me away from them and they are now a flight away. The inconvenience of having to fly and the distance is something I play on as I call your parents and your sister, forewarning them that they may experience some unpleasant comments about them and especially me given her condition. I assure them that I am taking care of you and there is really no need for them to come all this way. I confirm I will keep them updated and they are pleased I have taken time off work to care for you and that I have arranged for a doctor to attend. I spend considerable time reeling off examples of the terrible behaviour you have exhibited, explaining the awful things I have been subjected to and the lies you have told about me, your friends and family. I explain that I can deal with it but I just feel so sorry for your parents and your sister having to hear such things and in order to prevent it happening again the best thing is to contact me and not you and to keep you at arms’ length. I explain I understand that it is hard but it will be the best outcome for all concerned if you are prevented from lashing out and hurting people. My explanations and good intentions are accepted and thanks is offered for my understanding and support.

The final tick is placed on the list and I place both ‘phone and pen down. I really should go and wash my hands now after smearing all that mud around.


66 thoughts on “Muddy Hell”

  1. Okay, so now you have me wondering if I’m really the Narcissist. lol I discarded him, ignored him for months, exposed him (to mutual friends & got him banned from a large social group we often attended in 3 major surrounding cities now), threatened him, physically attacked him (reactive abuse), hunted him (after he Stalked me, I Stalked him right back) and I also phoned his mom & texted his uncle about what a piece of sh*t he is (smear campaign’ish) post-escape.

    Obviously I know I’m not a narcissist but it’s kinda ironic that I used his own game against him and this was before I ever found your blog or read your books. Now that I read your books, I feel like my chess moves in our game have been devastating blows to him. Perhaps it’s time I called “checkmate”.

  2. How accurate this is. A few months after I started seeing Mr. Narcissist, I was out Christmas shopping with a family member. She received a private message on Facebook out of the blue from him – asking her “does Hope have a mental illness?” We were both dumbstruck and baffled. She answered him “no, of course not.” He replied “well, I’m not so sure …”
    Neither one of us had a clue why he did this. Now I know.
    It didn’t work, though. We both laughed and laughed at his ridiculous comment.
    Little did I know about the upcoming smear that’d arrive a few years later. : /
    (Which was ineffective, by the way) 😉 But, I give him an A for effort.

      1. You’re welcome, HG. I do have a slice of freshly baked Apple Pie, if you’d like a piece. My way of thanking you for sharing your knowledge with us. 🙂


      1. In my spare time, I watch a lot of crime documentaries, real stories, to gain a deeper understanding of the dynamics, how it all starts, unfolds, and how it ends. And often enough, if the victim snaps, it ends with a bullet through the narc’s head.

        While I would not recommend this course of action, as he is not worth going to jail for, I see why she did it. Some day, you might play with the wrong one and regret it, would that not concern you?

      1. True, purpleribbonhealing. It starts with little digs. They will say something like ‘it is only a movie, why are you crying?’, ‘it is only a joke, can you not take a joke?’, ‘teasing is a sign of affection’. Seriously, dude?! Even if I tell you this hurts me, and ask you to stop?

        That’s when they try to distort your own perception, try to label you as ‘too sensitive’. You have to know your truth, and hold on to it! We are emotional beings, probably even more so after the abuse, but that is okay. Anyone who cannot handle that, needs to leave…

      2. Matilda- the T for truth is ours and we must remain faithful and committed to our truth. They wax and wane all over the shop and I still see them as the most insecure of all. Let’s face the music- who is so insecure they need additional backup sources, or who is so addicted they require partner a, part-time b and others just in case! If that is not emotional insecurity I don’t know what is! Emotional intelligence is what I see lacking in the N’s I have been involved with and that has from my experiences been linked to the hard logical and non-emotional intelligence from caregiver/s. How many times have our kind, if we must conform to this (your kind, our kind theme) been told in straight and narrow rigid terms to simply “get on with it, get over it, move on.” Those with a N agenda have no time for the feelings of others but how they can be extracted or put to use for their purposes and intentions. A very shallow way to live from my perception. Plotting, Scheming and Day Dreaming is their ways- when close to one they can be watching the football but when they are unaware that you are observing you can see the chinks, their brains in overload and the eye movement corresponding to the flood of whatever it is that is going through their brain and the football has been blanked out. You are correct- They need to split out of our presence and we do not need to run, we must not run from bullies, nor should we. There is another way……

  4. Matilda is right. I carry my gun on me because of my ex narc (I have my conceal carry license). I have police reports of him breaking in twice & mounds of texts admitting he wants to harm, rape & kill me. So if he were to stalk me in person & I fear for my life, I have every lawful right to shoot to kill. And I will. I’m not sure what the laws are in the UK on carrying a gun, however.

    HG, it’s fascinating that you & your kind wouldn’t desire to commit suicide and yet you’re not concerned with a victim killing you due to reactive abuse.

    1. The gun laws are strict in the UK Jamie although of course if you are determined enough you can obtain one if you know the right people.
      I am not concerned of any of my victims seeking to murder me because most would not want to and those that might harbour such intent would not see it through for a variety of reasons.

  5. Hmmmmm. So. Im figuring that this would be around the time I kept asking why no one ever comes to the house. The responce? “BECAUSE EVERYBODY HATES YOU!” Omg! OMFG!!!

  6. This post brings to mind memories of life with my Narc father. In the early 1960’s he had my mother involuntarily committed to a psychiatric hospital. By then she had lived with him for 15 years, so perhaps she was a danger to herself or to him. I was too young to know for sure. She was released after 6 months, and for the rest of her life, he threatened to to have her committed again. He would often tell friends and family that she was headed for another breakdown, and they should keep their distance for awhile. My mother was a smart passionate, creative empath and quite sane, but She was crazy for putting up with him all those years

    Ironically, the other day, I was introduced to an elderly man who new my father years ago. When he found out I was Mr. Narc’s daughter, he couldn’t say enough good things about the man, and how well liked he was by everyone. My father has been dead 10 years, but the lie of his true nature still lives on.

    1. Hi NoNarcs.

      I doubt very much she was a danger to herself or your father . Perhaps after 15 years she was trying to escape & he had her committed as away of stopping her . When she came home he used the threat of having her sectioned again as a way of controlling her .

      Obviously this is just my perspective . Poor woman . How terribly sad .

  7. Not So Sad, thank you for your input. You are probably correct. Although she was never hospitalized again, she was labeled “crazy” within my father’s circle of family and friends.. By default, he was always right and she was always wrong.

  8. @Love

    While I’ve been called “feisty” before, I’m a little more complex than that. I am, what I call myself, an Empathic Hunter. A hybrid. I’m an empath with narcissistic traits (with sociopathic rage. Thanks, dad.)

    My mother is a narcissist, my dad was a sociopath, though I was primarily raised by my empathic grandparents. And thus, a hybrid was created. Me.

    So while I have empathy, I also “hunt” for fuel but not because I need it (far from it), but because I know I can get it easily for a quick ego boost if I want (purely for entertainment, not necessity). It can be a look..a compliment to grab someones can be used as a manipulation tactic (though never for evil, always for good…you can thank my empathic side for that.) For example, I run my own business and often use manipulation to keep clients (what business owner doesn’t, though?) For example, one of my many tactics is that I hug my clients for 4-5 seconds (instead of the normal 2-3 seconds) which plays into the psyche and makes them feel bonded to me. It’s a lot harder to fire someone if they feel bonded to you. 😉

    I’ve called myself a “hunter” since I was 16, though I never fully understood the hunter in me until about a year ago at age 35. At 16 when my hunting skills began, I started by using my sexuality as my bait, and watched as I was able to get anyone I wanted without fail. (To this day, I have never failed at hunting someone I wanted, whether it be male or female and regardless if they labeled themselves as straight or bi..though I have to admit, I love getting “straight” girls into bed. A conquest that’s always a fun game to play when I’m bored.)

    I chalk my manipulation tactics up to the survival techniques I was forced to learn from living with my narc mother. Not only did I learn from her as I watched her perform her brilliant manipulations on others and saw the outcomes of her applied skills, but I also learned how to play it against her (I was the only one out of my siblings that could ‘diffuse the bomb’, so to speak..through praise, through humor, through placating her, etc.) and this all started around age 6 or 7 yrs old for me. So this was embedded in me from very early in my childhood. What better way to learn than from a master.

    As HG says in “Sex in the Narcissist”, I am “a snake with tits”. lol Though I never use/have never used my honed skills for evil. Always for good or pleasure (for both myself & the unsuspecting prey). Speaking of prey, sometimes when I hunt, it’s easier to act like an injured field mouse limping along to attract a wolf to be caught in my trap, than to be a wolf going after another wolf.

    Sometimes it’s better to be a wolf in sheeps clothing, than to be a wolf in wolfs clothing.

    1. @punisher We can certainly do that, though I question if it’s because you can relate or because you want to learn. Either way, I accept.

    2. @punisher Or you want to be hunted by me, though I must warn you, I only hunt big game. Not field mice. Which one are you?

      1. Jamie unless you’re a cannibal you probably won’t want to hunt me. We would be better as a team. Hunting together, triangulating narcs, all that fun stuff.

    3. Thank you for sharing Jamie. It is good to learn there are more colors in the mix than just black and white (narc/empath).
      In the 3 months I’ve been on this forum, I’ve never heard anyone mention offing narcs. It has never even crossed my mind. But then again, I want them around. I need them.
      Are you drawn to narcs? Who is your prey? Do narcs sense your power and step away?

      1. @Love
        While I’d never seek to do harm to anyone for the sake of doing harm, my father instilled the ‘kill or be killed’ mentality as a young child. He started to teach me martial arts (with weapons) at age 4. So the fighter in me was embedded at a very early age. I still do MMA as an adult, but only because it’s primal and satisfies the sociopathic rage that runs through my veins on a daily basis. I’m able to let it out to play in a controlled environment so that I don’t do harm (which my empathy side loves). I allow my creature (as HG would call it) to come out and play and get tired out enough to go back in its cage. I often imagine it laying down in it’s cage, having a cigarette at the satisfaction of it coming out to play for a little bit.

        “Who is your prey?”

        HG’s book “Sex and the Narcissist” was an eye opener for me on a personal level and I’ll tell you why: he mentions that most link love/sex together. I don’t. I’m incapable of it. Until I read his book, I never knew that was “normal” for others to link those 2 together. It is foreign to me. I see sex & love as Black and White. Two different worlds. Of course, I love having sex with my boyfriend whom I love very much, but it’s only because I trust him (thanks to my love for him) to do things that are dangerous for a non-loving couple in the sheets (such as bondage, for example). That’s how I “link” sex and love…safety.

        HG and I have something in common, per his book (Sex & the N): we find something in our prey that we like and it attracts us to them. A smile, a laugh, the way their eyes squint when they laugh, the way they walk, the way they lean up against a wall…it can be something so small, perhaps even unnoticeable to others, and I will fixate on it and I have to have it. I want to be engulfed by whatever trait I find attractive about them. That’s when I move in for ‘the kill’. I will charm & seduce my way into their psyche and then pull them into my trap, devour them, and then release them back into the wild. So my prey is anyone I want it to be. I had a guy friend of mine ask me the same question a few months ago while at a park with was myself, him, and 2 other response was “All of you are prey to me.”

        “Are you drawn to narcs? Do narcs sense your power and step away?”

        No & no. And it’s their fatal flaw. Narcs are drawn to me like a moth to a flame. HG once posted a meme of a bright umbrella in the mix of a bunch of dark ones and it read something like “You are like a beacon to us”, or something to that effect. That’s how I feel I am to narcs. I blame my empathic side for this. However, on the flip side of that, they get severely burned in the end by picking me because I always do the discarding. I’ve also been physically violent with all of them (sociopathic rage). My exhusband tried to have me arrested, but luckily my manipulation skills that my narc mom taught me came in hand and I had him arrested instead. (The narc in me.)

        Narcs get blinded by their own narcissism. I am no different. When I get prey in my sights, I get hyper-focused on ‘the kill’. I don’t care if they’re a narc or not. Doesn’t matter. In that moment, I am blinded to anything else. But..and here’s the interesting part…the narc is so blinded by my empathic beacon that he can’t see that I’m a hunter. His downfall. My ex narc in June (my stalker) told me “You and I are exactly the same.” He’s not far off. We are both hunters. We both use sex as a weapon. We are both charming in our seduction of our prey. And we are both blinded by our own needs. We are also both capable of destructive violent outbursts from our creature that stirs within us. The major difference between him & I? I want my victims to go on loving and living happily after I’m done devouring them. Unlike a narc.

        A narcs fatal flaw with me, is that they get so fixated on my empathic side, that they always look right past the hunter in me that’s been staring them in the face the whole time. The narc in me blames them for that. That’s their fault. Not mine. 😉

        Why do you want narcs around? I’m very curious to see your answer.

      2. Jamie, first of all your picture is hilarious 😂 I relate to what you said about wanting them to go on and be happy. I want to use the abilities my dad gave me for good. It would help others see the truth about their reality and also spite him at the same time which appeals to me. I can’t hate him so it’s the best I can do. Yes, that was the narc in me speaking just now. Does wanting it for me and them both make it healthy? I want to help my mom and my siblings. None of them know that my dad is the puppet master. Do you have a hard time keeping it in check?

      3. PS forgot to add that those other 2 guys that were at the park that day, I ended up wanting them both, so we all became poly. I had them both as my boyfriend at the same time. Both lived with me in your apartment. Though only one of them remains today. The other one was my now-ex narc (current stalker). He’s pissed I discarded him & still remain with the other guy. Kind of a double whammy to his ego, I’d assume.

      4. Very interesting. Good for you for doing MMA. It is hard for me to watch on tv because of the blood and violence. You’re one tough cookie!
        As for me, I have an innate desire to be dominated, consumed, controlled, and maybe even violated… (Sorry if this offends anyone).
        No one other than a narc is willing to do that. But the ones in my experience couldn’t do it for long. They would crack and I would sense weakness. That is my #1 turn off.

      5. Wow Jamie, 2 boyfriends at the same time. One or both had to be non-narc. I don’t think narcs are able to share.

      1. I always find myself biting my bottom lip and smiling at your direct responses!!
        I love your unashamed truthfulness!

      2. Normal is kind of an undefinable word, don’t you think? How could it mean the same thing to everyone?

  9. @punisher oh I like you already. A fellow hunter. Love meeting more of my own breed. Would never devour one of my own.

      1. I’ve met other hunters (though rare) but none of my caliber, so I currently remain a lone wolf. Perhaps you will change that…

  10. Jamie, you sound like my N husband. There’s so many textbook NPD things about him but he was raised by his grandparents for part of his childhood and he did seem to learn some empathy from them. His GM was in a wheelchair and they always participated in fundraisers, March of Dimes, etc. He spent his teenage years in the state’s care (N mother kicked him out, couldn’t control him) and seems to have been a defender of the weaker, more abused kids.

    All the info I’m finding out is starting to mess with my head. The more I delve into his psyche the more I’m starting to worry about mine. I’m understanding him more and me less. Is anybody really normal? I used to think I was but now… I think I’m just as screwed up as him, but I just can’t figure out what’s wrong with me.

  11. @Punisher
    Thanks for the pic comment, glad you like it. lol I’m not sure what you meant by ‘is it hard to keep in check’, but to answer your question, it’s juggling act between narc/empath while keeping my sociopathic rage at bay. My ex narc somehow figured out the code to unlocking my rage & I ended up choking him and throwing something at his head (which left a dent in my wall..I should patch that up before I move.)

    There’s a long story that I’ll spare you most of it, but I actually invited my ex-narc out for a game of pool in October after he broke in twice. I figured ‘if you wanna hunt me, here I am.’ After a couple of hours, we went outside for a cigarette. He’s 6’3, I’m 5’6…just to paint this picture for you..we were as close as you could possibly get without kissing and we walked slowly in a circle, intimidating each other. Our lips were nearly touching..his devilish smile, that voice..

    Me: “I’m not scared of you.”
    Him: “You should be.”
    Me: “Be that as it may, I’m not.”
    Him: *licks my lips*
    Me: “You hard right now?”
    Him: “No, but I know you’re wet as f**k.” *evil grin on his face*

    As he was being seductive, he was also threatening me, while telling me what he did in my apartment when he broke in. He was pissing me off. I could tell my creature was waking inside me. Wanting so badly to come out to play. It took everything I had to hold back. Truth be told, if we weren’t in public, I’m positive I would’ve hit him. The only thing holding me back was that I didn’t wanna go to jail.

    The narc/empathy (Devil VS Angel) aspect of myself is a juggling act, but one that I’ve nearly mastered. I say nearly because I’ll catch myself once in awhile not showing signs of sympathy when someone is telling me a long boring story about how their pet mouse died (like I give a shit.) It’s not my pet, wasn’t my family, isn’t my friend, so frankly I don’t care. The narc in me. So I’ll have to switch masks to my empathetic one so they can’t read through me. That seems to be my biggest & constant mistake, though I’m aware and constantly working on that.

    What do you have troubles with, Punisher? As far as you wanting to tell your family about your dad, that’s a tough one. I’d just plant little seeds here & sending an article that HG wrote that they’d find interesting, and then let them put the puzzle pieces together themselves. One manipulation technique I’ve learned is that if you let people put the pieces together themselves (that you gave them lol), they’ll think it was their brilliance in figuring it all out. Little do they know…

    1. Jamie Jamie Jamie……(said in the order of baby baby baby by TLC)
      I too played your games like a rock star. I too have the dynamic duo of Narc/Empath. I have stopped practicing it. Now I am empathic and have sociopathic tendencies. Yay me!

      I do not wish to go into great detail about my experiences as I believe that the lifestyle is not a healthy one for me anymore. If you are immersed in it and enjoy it, so be it.

      I will say that you are definitely trying to get control over something in your past. You are replicating the predator rather than be the victim. You strike first so you win. You got over on them, they fell for it or whatever reasoning you give yourself. I do think that this act of mastery as a coping mechanism is rarely talked about, so I am happy to see you are willing to share. I am not. The reason I don’t is:
      1. Posting on the Internet is like shouting your story from the rooftops for all eternity.
      2. I am no longer proud of what I did to others.
      3. I learned that this behavior was really self harming in the long run.
      4. Years of therapy.

      I have the idea that these dark necessities can be triggered or reawakened. I believe again, it stems from the desire to replicate the trauma. I had been 14 years “clean” from this behavior and then got a hoover from a significant proxy narc. I really wanted to engage him. This was not only for the great sex, but to see if I could manipulate him into leaving his wife and then discard him. Hence the exertion of control over a predator. HG helped me, without knowing the full story of course, to see logically this crazy behavior would cause me devestating effects. I of course knew this was not right, but the pull was so strong that I needed HG to validate my feelings. Yay for savior HG!!! (There is your shout out/fuel for today).
      My point is this. I wanted you to know that there is the possibility to change this behavior if you so choose. I want to let the ones that practice this and others who do not know that this is another way to cope. It is however, not any healthier than remaining the victim.

      You have to fix yourself. There is no such thing as controlling another person unless you allow it. Yes you volunteer as tribute. If you continually let someone abuse you, you are allowing it. You can only control yourself. The rest is all being the one that dishes out the abuse or takes it. Sado Masochism at its finest. Y’all know that S&M is not just about sex right?

      So my dear Jamie, I went back on my word and gave away a little bit of my story. What do you expect from a sociopathic empath?
      Now I am off to listen to the song mentioned at the fore because that will be stuck in my head for the rest of the day.

  12. @Love
    I totally understand exactly what you’re talking about. Nothing..and I do mean nothing…matches a narcs intensity & control. I get it.

    Plus, I like playing with fire. I’m not one to be scared of getting burned. I’m sure you can relate. 😉


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