You Are Not Alone
One is never enough for us. Two or more are required. When we commence our seduction of you and launch those missiles towards you bearing love, passion and desire, we repeatedly tell you that you are the one. You are the only one that we want. All of our life we have waited for this moment to be with the one, you. This singularity of number meets singularity of purpose. One is all that we want. We tell you this, we text you this and we do some repeatedly in order to put you on that pedestal. The world may as well just be populated by you and me. Nobody else matters. All that we want is you and you alone. The effect of such words makes you feel extremely special, revered and worshipped and it feels wonderful doesn’t it? Being the sole recipient of our attention, such wonderful, dedicated and loving attention is uplifting, joyful and magnificent.
Recently a commenter posted a quote from Robert A Heinlein which revolved around kissing. Essentially, this quote referred to the fact that when most people kiss they are not putting their all into it, they have other things on their mind, they might be worrying about work, they know they have to put the rubbish out, they are wondering what is for dinner and as a consequence that person’s kiss is nowhere near as it should be because that person has distractions. The person they are kissing does not have their total attention. There is considerable merit in such a proposition. What we manage to do however is make you think that nobody else matters, that you are the only person we are kissing, have ever kissed and will ever kiss. We make you the centre of our universe and you believe it. Yet the reality is that whilst we exhibit this singularity of attention on you, we have so many other people in mind. Understand that when you are with one of our kind there is never, there is never a time when it is just you and me. There is always you, me and her or him or them. Your dynamic with us is not exclusive. It never is. It is not your sole preserve. You are shared throughout the entirety of your relationship with us, from the beginning until, well forever. I do not necessarily mean that we are engaged in s sexual relationship with someone else when we are with you but the fact is that when you think it is just you and I, there is far more going on that you will realise.
At the outset when I am seducing you, I make you feel like the only girl in the world, however there will be at least two other dynamics ongoing. The first is that I will be embarking on a cruel campaign against your predecessor. I will be considering how next to provoke them and punish them so I am able to draw negative fuel from them. I will undoubtedly tell you about them as I explain how horrible and abusive that person was to me. What you are less likely to know is that I am sending them abusive messages, stalking them and organising various methods of manipulation to keep punishing them.
The second dynamic at the outset is the fact that I may also be working on another prospect as well as you. In the extremely unlikely event that you ever had access to my mobile ‘phone and you looked in the messages you would see something like this.
“Message to You 19:48 – I cannot stop thinking about you. What have you done to me? I love it though. I cannot wait to see you tomorrow even though it is too long to wait for my aching heart.”
“Message to Her 19:50 – I cannot stop thinking about you. What have you done to me? I love it though. I cannot wait to see you tomorrow even though it is too long to wait for my aching heart.”
There may even be,
“Message to Her 2 19:52 – I cannot stop thinking about you. What have you done to me? I love it though. I cannot wait to see you tomorrow even though it is too long to wait for my aching heart.”
Notoriously greedy for fuel and wary of the effects of not having a supply of the same, we will ensure that we have other targeted prospects in hand. You may become the chosen one as my primary source of fuel but the others will not necessarily be discarded. They will be retained as “friends” who rank as high producing secondary appliances, continuing to supply me with fuel. You think you have me to yourself. Of course that is the impression that I will create but you are sharing me with the others who will be kept ready to replace you should you start to fail in your production of fuel.
During the golden period it may seem that there is just you and me but I will be keeping other prospects warm and extracting negative fuel from one or more predecessors in the meanwhile. Then, without warning you find yourself being devalued. You have your suspicions that we are playing away. Indeed, we are as we use these secondary sources that we have kept “warm”. There will be others as we find additional people to draw into our network as we play them off against you. You will find you will be compared to these people, to friends and family and always found to be wanting as we press the devaluation against you. After this horrendous time, we will cast you to one side with a callous discard and somebody else has replaced you. How did that happen so quickly? How were we able to move with unseemly haste and find someone else who we now declare our love for? Easily. They were waiting in the wings all along.
Now discarded you will find you are still involved in the dynamic as we play you against your replacement. We will keep trying to draw negative fuel from you and then suddenly hoover you back and make you the apple of our eye again, as your short-lived replacement is cast aside. A period of vacillation may follow as we lift you up and crash you down. You are sat on one end of a see saw, as you go up, she goes down and vice versa. We stand in the centre, straddling this see saw and gobbling up all the fuel that is pouring from you both.
As our primary source you will always find that there is somebody else involved in the dynamic of our relationship. It does not end there though with the person who is our primary source of fuel. This addition of an extra player in the game happens throughout all our fuel gathering activities. We set family member against family member, our brothers against our sisters, or one parent against another. We treat one child as golden and the other as a pariah as we have them compete for our blessing and affection. We pit one colleague against another as they vie for that promotion which lies in our gift. We have friend fighting against friend in order to spend time with us at the expense of the other. We enter the online realm and have people backbiting, clashing and competing all through a few keystrokes on the keyboard. We can never be satisfied with it being just you and me, we always have to involve others and that involvement cannot be harmonious. There must be competition in order for the fuel to flow. Never think that we are dedicated to just you, our need for fuel does not allow it. There is always someone else despite what we may tell you. If you were ever able to ascertain the full extent of our machinations, schemes and plans you would see so many lines radiating away from us, connecting us to you, to her and to many others, with lines running between the unknowing and knowing until it looks like an extremely complex organogram on the wall of an incident room in a police station.
It can never just be you and me. There always has to be another.
62 thoughts on “You Are Not Alone”
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HG …they don’t really get it … You get a thrill to have many to chase many and to think about others . One person gets stale and you feel controlled with one., like all the freedom and choice is gone . You get deflated with one ..thinking of another brings energy and power back into the boredom …no matter how interesting or entertaining …it gets old and you feel controlled
HG ..this pic is you isn’t it ?
A feature that’s been in common for ex-hub, two ex-boyfriends and 2 of my online dates last year (I think NPDs, their text messages were all phrased and timed like something from a Pickupartist-advice/Girlschase page plus the way you describe typical Devalue texts)
is that hallmark Twitch when teenage girls are walking by, jogging by or sitting at another restaurant table.
Other men don’t really have this thing where the whole body instinctively points at the girls within a microsecond of noticing them. And narcs can’t help themselves from commenting sometimes.
“Those kids can’t be older than twelve!!”
“Isn’t she freezing like that??”
This goes for Greaters as well. It’s that twitch. “Attention, woman! I am looking at teenage giggling girls now!” I guess they felt I was too relaxed, complacent and I seldom really notice things.
I’m not sure if this will even be seen, since this is an update to a post made over a month ago:
After several counseling sessions, countless fights involving so much verbal abuse (the things he said to me are still bouncing around in my head), a shove, lies… I’ve left my partner.
The last straw shouldn’t have been, as I’d put up with so much already, but I installed some spyware on his computer because I just knew something was up. Turns out he had a real porn addiction – hours a day, even when I was home, but more than that: searches and browsing for local escorts and “girlfriend experience” providers.
I confronted him with this during one of our counseling sessions. He swore that he’d never acted on his “fantasies”. At that point I no longer cared. Finding out about secret email accounts and hidden subscriptions to escort sites was the final nudge I needed to say goodbye.
I’m still reeling and wonder if I’m ever going to be the same person. It’s been a week now and I have not heard a thing from him – though he was begging me to stay up until the very end. That was the man I truly thought I’d grow old with; the fairy-tale love of my dreams.
I’ve had a few bad days where it’s so hard not to contact him just to see if he’s ok, or to hear his voice. Of course I was addicted to everything about him, even the horrible parts.
Thanks for all of the great advice I received here. Things ended up pretty much how you all knew it would. I’m glad to be safe and away from the abuse, but I miss him so badly.
The hoovers will come Rin, build you defences and work on removing the infection in readiness.
P
> HG Tudor posted: ” One is never enough for us. Two or more are required. > When we commence our seduction of you and launch those missiles towards you > bearing love, passion and desire, we repeatedly tell you that you are the > one. You are the only one that we want. All of ” >
I’m working on getting my narc of 7 years to discard me and our child. I’m pretty sure he either knows I’ve figured him out or maybe he thinks I’m tired of his bs. Either way I’ve been trying to remain as emotion free as possible. He’s been struggling to keep his cool and his mask on, keeps telling me I’m cold and distant, but also keeps saying he loves me, but is gone more than usual. Is he planning to go finally or is he trying to suck me back in??
He is probably lining up a replacement if he keeps disappearing Margaux and is telling you that he loves you in order to keep you in situ until he has embedded your replacement.
In my case, boredom drives me. I get bored with people incredibly easily and quickly. I am always on the hunt for someone or something new and thrilling and interesting. Relationships become stale and boring quickly (I despise routine). I need constant stimulation.
Besides, why should I have to settle for just one when there are so many vying for my attention and (perceived) affections?
In my case, I do not want to settle down with just one and I make that CRYSTAL clear whenever I sink my teeth into someone new – “I am not looking for anything long term or serious. I do not believe in monogamy. I do not want to be your Ms. Right, but I can be your Ms. Right Now.”
I do this so when he/she suffers the inevitable sting of my rejection and discard, I can have the satisfaction of saying, “I was up front with you from the beginning about that I wanted but you did not listen to me and now you are hurt. You have no one to blame for this but yourself. You knew what you were getting into from the start.”
But, they often get the idea into their heads that they will be the one to change me, convert me, make me see the light, Hallelujah praise the lord! They think if they say and do all the right things, buy me all the right things, provide all the right things, I will not slip through fingers like sand. Trouble is, all the right things change from moment to moment with me, so it is impossible for anyone to keep my interest or keep me content for very long.
Funny! It’s hard to imagine that he was able to gather that many. He looked like a younger Alfred Hitchcock with a lisp. He just looked good in a uniform I guess. Initially, I actually felt sorry for him. If he can have that many on a string, then I can’t imagine that they are all of great quality…well at least from our perspectives. I guess any port in the storm for you.
Rin, in my opinion and experience, counseling with a narc is very dangerous because you are going into it with a pure heart and an honest desire to make your relationship better. The narc is not going to play fair, he doesn’t have the same goal as you. I’m assuming your goal is improving the relationship, his goal is ALWAYS himself. he’s going to use anything you say in the therapy session against you at a later date he’s going to try to get sympathy from the counselor and make you look like the bad person. In my opinion, it just gives them more ammunition with which to destroy you . You are not on the same team, y’all are not partners working together to have a great relationship. It’s a one man show, he is a one man army and therapy allows him to see the battle plan.
And for goodness sake don’t skip a session and let him go without you. No telling what the therapist will hear about you
Thanks lovieland, I appreciate the reply.
He’s actually in the field of psychology, so I’m outgunned on many levels. But since I’ve committed to attending sessions with him, do you (or anyone reading) have practical advice for the therapy itself?
He seems genuinely afraid of my leaving, so I currently have that leverage over him to exact some change.
My goodness. A narc with a psychology background. The only advice I have is for you to remember that you are the injured party and you should have requirements that he meet and continue with until you are satisfied he has changed. Like full, total disclosure and free reign to look at whatever you want to see, anytime you want to see it. If you implement a set of non negotiable standards at the onset and refuse to be managed down, you will find out what his intentions are. I’m sorry to say this, but I have a feeling if you do that, you won’t even make it to the first therapy session.
Thanks yet again lovieland.
I’m currently doubting my sanity and worried that I’ve become paranoid.
What if he’s telling the truth? What if I’m the cause of my own misery and jealousy?
A few nights ago he was up late online. I saw him reach for his pipe and go to light it. That moment I turned in bed toward him, so he set his stuff down and moved hands quickly back to mouse and keyboard.
It was weird enough that I waited pretending to sleep until he went to light up again. Sure enough, when I sat up, pipe was quickly set down without a puff and hands right back on keyboard.
When I asked what was up, and pressed, he got very defensive. I’m starting to question my reality.
I should have asked then and there to see everything he had up. But I didn’t.
Hi HG!! I heard that all narcs are misogynists. How do you manage to have more than one relationship? “sexually”?
Hello Rain, do you mean concurrently or consecutively?
HG – Rin’s comment got me thinking, I have been trying to rectify this theory in my head, but typically, all men marry women like their mother – could it be that the Narcissists such as yourself are the minority of men that are attempting to “break the cycle” as a “Matrinarc” would not be an ideal mate so they find empaths who are typically the polar opposite who cannot handle the abuse OR “drain” after a certain period of time. This would explain the temporary duration of the relationship and also the need for the golden period for “ensnarement”.
However, could this “inner” conflict also be the reason that the Narcissist struggles in finding a match – based on the inner conflict with his mother and the search for someone so unlike her?
HG,
When I fall weak and have the dire urge to reach out to my ex narc, I read your blog and it reinforces me and reminds me of the brutal truth to stay away. It’s been 2 years he kicked me out, so I packed and left one day while he was out of the house and he has the audacity to tell me I left him and it hurt him and got him mad. He didn’t Hoover until a few months back, saying he couldn’t stand my hating him after being together for so long (15 years) and thinks of me. Then he blames me and justifies why he was physically abusive, as I drove him to it. You’ve helped to grasp understanding that his perspective is different so that’s why I couldn’t ever understand why he did or say something that was so appalling to me. I am forever grateful.
Sadly, I do not believe that the greatest love inside this world [referring to people, not The Good Lord] would ever be enough. I also do not think the most enticing, creative, captivating intimate experiences with one would be enough…ever…even if she kept changing her looks and wearing various costumes… FUEL: you always have enough, but it’s never Enough.
I’ve decided to stay with my narc after coming “this” close to leaving. In fact, all of my belongings are still packed, but I was convinced to go to couples counseling to be sure.
The reason was the topic of this post… there always seems to be another woman. However, they’re “just a good friend”, and my problem with the appropriateness of the relationships is because i’m too jealous, etc.
He’s sworn up and down that he’s never cheated on me. Can I ever be sure, or might it be a good possibility that he actually hasn’t “technically cheated”?
Hello Rin, whilst there is always a chance he has not, take it from me, that chance is small.
Any advice on how to find out?
My last Hoover text “there were no other women, Love”.
Yes, silly me, those blonde strands of hair that would magically appear on the bed and towels were just a figment of my imagination.
HG are you getting soft or what??? Seriously???? 🙄
On what basis SR201?
Sorry had a moment of humanity there. Sounded like you were giving a little hope & benefit of the doubt to her… but now I see… oops, my mistake 😏
Couples counseling with your narc? Brace yourself.
Please elaborate. I do plan on bringing up the fact that I believe he’s got narcissistic traits, and I’ve codependent ones right from the start.
Do you have any advice?
Rin there will always be another woman, and he will always say they are friends. That is what they do until you can prove they are more than friends which send you into a deep jealous frenzy. My ex Narc swore the same thing to me as he screwing everything that looked his direction. They lie!! It is what they do and who they are! We all know you want to hold on to that little hope that he is better than this. A Narc is a Narc is a Narc. Lesser, mid, greater…. a Narc is a Narc. The sooner you face the truth the sooner you can move on to something real. If he is a Narc it is not real!!!! Take it from HG however I think the cat got his tongue… small chance??? Like no chance!!!! Run Rin…. Take your packed thing and run… and don’t look back!!!
He accuses me of holding him back from friendships. That I’m old fashioned and unreasonable for wanting boundaries.
The friendships may be only that. I have no evidence of anything more and wouldn’t know how to go about getting evidence.
At this point I think he’s triangulating and getting fuel from causing my jealousy, which I’m then blamed for, because I “have issues” and am “pushing him away”.
I think most of us have had that same experience. Not all, but from what I have heard, most do. The thing is, that their argument to us, and accusations can seem reasonable, but this is how they get you to doubt yourself, and devalue you, and you start to devalue yourself thinking there is something wrong with you. Boundaries are healthy in any relationship. Now, we have to realize that all people have friendships of the opposite sex, but if there are some you are not comfortable with, a man that has a healthy love for you will work it out with you, healthy love does not blame, accuse, or cause you to devalue yourself or make you feel bad about who you are. It is tough, but when this lightbulb comes on for us, it is so important to walk away b/c the longer you stay, the worse it gets, and if it is narcissism he will cheat and when you eventually find out that will be blamed on you as well for your issues, and the fact that you pushed him away, pushed him into another’s bed. It is the same story over and over with most of us. Learn from our story. If he isn’t loving you enough to work it out with you which obviously isn’t happening b/c he already has you in the blame, devaluing stage. Don’t make excuses for it or him. I would just walk.
HG, wondering if you or maybe you have a theory. My Narc. found me and had others while with his long term GF. He is 57 now, she 56. They have been together for 15years. Live in same town separately homes. So since he is all over the internet and she did a review on a hotel a few years back that had his name and hers, so if you google him, she comes up. Then you find her on FB. Then you look at the years of photos of them traveling, holidays, kids and WHEN he was fucking sending us me his others travel photos, The dates are when he was with her. AND him saying, I am traveling alone, miss you, or with family and friends for the holidays. He had two phones. SHE know all of this, WE the women end up contacting her. She protects him, hates him, fights with him, BUT show a sham of a relationship to the public and family. She keeps her FB open, maybe not all of the photos out there, but she puts her children his children in harms way, of women who are A little nutty he got involved with and SICK too, as he has been with all sizes shapes ages culture and is the greatest actor gigolo. He doesn’t leave her, because SHE HAS GIVEN HIM A REAL LIFE, for show and tell, and she gets a president of an Aerospace company money traveling. She does not have the StockHolme syndrome. I was in her good grace for 6months, when I was finding other victims. WE met twice talked on phone text and FB messages. YOU WOULD GET A KICK OUT OF THE FB messages I have saved them all. Then she turned on me. I had lawyers after me, a sicko who was sending me death threats to my email, Which had a lot of the same GF words from her texting me. She herself could be a Narc. ? or have a personality disorder. AND when the Narc. is done with us, they together will BULLY the women together who are a mess and trying to find out THE whys. Why does she stay with him. Why does he lie. SO ANY INSIDE, QUESTIONS OF THE FAITHFUL MAIN SUPPLY?? and is she as I believe, just as abusive of not holding him accoutable and for her to get help, instead of blamming us women for coming into their life. She blames us…YOU should of known better, HE is with me only, I am the only one he takes anywhere or family knows of. Uggggggg I have a horror story of lawyers, intent, a lover wrote a sex book on him, he was outed on Liarcheater 3times all over the internet, his son has his full name, SAD for him and his future. Death threats, police report. I met the main supply. met a ex lover, talk to the woman who wrote the book. GF said he is tired and done, we are together always and forever. Then he gets the itch and goes looking for new supply, to feed the high and sex of his hunger, AS he gets bored and GF, as she is known to him, and can be bored by her. BUT she is his ROCK. I AM RANTING…BUT THIS IS THE WEIRDEST NARC. story that I was a part of . THANK YOU FOR using your ways to educate us.
“You are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you’re far away
I am here to stay” 🎶🎶
Love you michael jackson❤️❤️❤️
RIP
Love you more HG
Thanks to you HG i started missing mj all over again.
I miss u michael. I am grateful to have lived in the same time period as you. You are a legend, the king of pop, a true humanitarian. I hope you are in peace in heaven. This cruel world never deserved an angel like you.
Michael was chemically castrated by his father, joe jackson, before puberty so his voice would not change. He was given female hormone injections. This of course was kept under wraps. He thus became impotent. His kids are not biologically his. Lisa marie presley, his ex-wife hinted at this in her song ‘to whom it may concern.’ Michael was abused as a child, just like HG was 😞
Well of course I need more than one. I have more than one handbag, don’t I? And so it goes with my other accessories…I have several of each, different ones to match different outfits and different moods.
Hello Cara, where have you been hiding?
Cara you crazy girl! I feel you. Is this why I have more purses then one woman really needs?
Perhaps because you did not have enough love growing up, so now you need much, much, much more? Or, is it about sexual gratification, really? The attention, more so?
<3 <3 <3
Fuel it is about the fuel.
Fuel… it seems to be that FUEL to you is equivalent as LOVE is to us…
Has there ever been anyone who provided you with outstanding fuel and you didn’t have to engage in the sexual element? If so, was that a relief? In Sex and the Narcissist you wrote that sex is used because it is the most powerful binding tool. But it’s just like masturbation with a warm body. So if you could be off the hook with that, is it a plus?
There have been some NISS who have in the instant provided very good fuel but it is not of the standard of the IPPS over time. Sex is physically enjoyable but that is not the ultimate use of it, it is the power it wields and therefore it is not something that I abhor, but it is the intimacy which comes with it (admittedly not always and then that is a relief) which is the issue. Thus, during seduction, the need to seduce and the positive fuel overrides the general discomfort with intimacy. Once that has been achieved, there is no need to overcome this aversion and hence this is why we behave as we do during devaluation, rejecting intimacy and instead engaging in mechanical sexual behaviours.
That is one thing you never waver on for you personally, that sex is either to share power or wield it over someone. Intimacy is your kryptonite like silent treatments are mine, isn’t it?
I STILL think HG should execute my Energizer Bunnies operation…the Bunny Ranch…lol…now that tickles me! have never been a jealous person (some doctors say that it’s genetic), but with a Narcissist wouldn’t it almost feel like the more bunnies, the more division of labor…lol…? I am not talking about the sexual components, but it seems to me since the Narcissist views everyone has objects that it is more of that emotional neediness of attention but maybe I am wrong?
I learned this early on and my narc wanted me to know. Im still trying to figure him out. I should just walk away but i genuinely enjoy spending time with him. Hes never married or had kids and now i know why. Theres a lot i dont know and will never know about this person and thats how they like it. Many narcs are antisocial.
They will always need many ppl for fuel bc they arent comfortable alone in their own skin. Theyve built up a facade and need to keep beieving in it. Thats why they need ppl to believe in it too bc they need to believe in it themselves. I think thats why when supply stops playing the game they get devalued and discarded bc they go against the facade and it casts light on the lie of who they are. They dont want the lie to die it has to be constantly validated by others.
They need others for self preservation. Thats why i no longer take it personally. Its a disorder. I dont agree with it but its not for me to change. Only he can. Im spiritual and pray daily he will one day but im doubtful bc ppl change only if they want to and feel a need to. Most narcs dont. Theyre happy going thru life this way.
Hed always asks me for specific times id call etc and its bc he has a schedule with others. Id rather not know ad thats where i draw the line. If he tries to drop hints about others i tell him to stop.i dont get emotional. I just tell him thats his business. If he wants me in his life then he needs to keep that to himself.
Dang Adele… you would have been the perfect source for my ex Narc. He wanted me to be ok with him having all the girls he wanted. Uhhhh not if he wants to keep breathing… not on my watch. Goodbye. You are worth more, and more valuable than to give yourself to someone that does not and will not love you, cherish you and nourish you as you were created to be. 💜
understandable but sad….
You need to have more than one because you fear intimacy like the devil fears holy water. This philandering behaviour is just a distraction. You never give yourself to any of them… you are terrified of that deeper connection that comes from being with just one.
There is force in that comment Matilda.
I know, HG 🙂
Since human bonding is so difficult for you, yet you felt a connection to one person as a child, do the doctors think there is a way through behavior modification to help you develop that?
What Matilda said!!! True that!!! HG why in the world would you guys not want to face the fear, and handle it so you could have that love you so deeply desire, want and need? It is painful, but what if we all decided to not face our fears and deal with the childhood traumas, and we were all made to be great Narcs? That would kind of really suck wouldn’t it?
It doesn’t suck doing what I do though, it sucks for other people but not me.
Ha Ha! You sound like a frat boy with that answer. Pretty dope.
What can i say, I adopt the language of those interacting with me, would you expect anything else Clarece? Word!
Got it
Bingo and also narcs get bored very easily. They need constant newness
Gosh, you must possess a lot of knowledge and skills, after having mirrored the interest and taste of so many girls in you life. Sports, opera, dance, many different languages, clothing, fashion, wines, literature, …
I do.
I can’t help but feel there is always another intimate relationship in the works. From what I read I could be wrong. I just think there is at all times. Mine has never admitted to any other woman. I am always the only one. I know he has cheated many times.
ALWAYS!!!!!
I will never forget that!