Can you hear me knocking? Open the door and let me in? I know you want to. It is only me. You know me. You know me better than anybody else. Come on, I know you are thinking about me. That is what happens. I am on your mind and in your thoughts. I am whirling around in that messed-up mind of yours. It is messed up. I didn’t do it. I didn’t do anything wrong. I never do. It was a real state before I even appeared. I just took advantage. But look, that is in the past and we don’t need to talk about the past (expect I suppose when it suits me). I know you want to hear my voice again don’t you? You miss hearing me. You miss those long conversations on the telephone that we used to have, two hours or more where there was never a lull. I know you remember them. I know you keep looking at your ‘phone hoping that it will ring and that it will be me. I know you feel a phantom buzz when you have stashed your phone on your person and you keep pulling it from your pocket and checking. You tell your friends that your mother needs to speak to you, just so they won’t groan or roll their eyes at you for wanting it to be me. I know you are itching to call me. Go on, why don’t you? You can speak to me again and it will be just like before, all of the wonderful stuff. I will reinstate it in an instant because look, I have had a lot on, I have been tired, I have been worried and so on and so forth blah blah blah. I will trot anything out because once you see me smiling at you, you won’t be listening any more.

No, you will be thinking back to that kiss as we stood in that park with the sound of the breeze through the autumnal trees. That first kiss after the days of flirting through text and call. That magical, marvellous, mesmeric kiss. The first of a million. One in a million. I know you close your eyes and stand in that park and allow yourself to be taken back to that time a year ago. That day when we both drove there and met beneath the towering trees, the September sunshine still warm and I stood there, my magnetic smile on display as you half-ran towards me and I took you in my arms and then we kissed. Imagine doing that again? Oh you have of course. A thousand times.

Send me a text. You may as well. I will answer you and I will put a kiss on the end, just to tempt you. I know your heart will surge when you see that and all thoughts of staying away from me will begin to evaporate on seeing that. Text me. Just one text. It is easy enough. I know you haven’t deleted my number despite the promises you have made to do so. You just could not bring yourself to do it.

Call me. Ring me up and tell me what a bastard I am. Go on. Unleash that anger. Let it out. How many times have you sobbed to your friends about what I did to you? What a cruel and heartless bastard I am. I do not deserve you do I? No, but I deserve being told what I have done to you. You need to get it off your chest don’t you? You should. Go on, just press that button and I will answer you and you can let rip at me. Hey, even better, why not suggest we meet up and then you can have that show down that you have always envisaged. I know you have thought through all the things you have wanted to say to me but feel that I prevented you from saying when I just disappeared and then ignored your frantic attempts to get in touch with me. Tell me how broken I left you. Tell me how your friends hate me too. Tell me how your brother is going to batter me. Go on, I know that anger is still raging through you and you need to let it out. Surely after everything you have put up with you are entitled to one last hurrah?

Make that call late at night. I know you are lying in the dark thinking about me, hands entwined around the shirt I left which still smells of my scent. You know you ought to throw it away or burn it but you just cannot do it can you? You still want that connection. You still want to be able to inhale my fragrance and somehow relish the agonised joy as your mind is flooded with my memory. It is a lonely place now that bed isn’t it? Why not send me a text and we can exchange some saucy messages? Rekindle that fire again. It will make you feel better. I might even be tempted to come and see you and take you in your bed once again and let you experience the magic that I possess. The sex was brilliant wasn’t it? I know you cannot lie about that. I have heard what you have said to people about how you hate me but the sex was off the charts. Let’s do it again. Why not? It will make you feel so much better. Just text me, ring me, message me. You just have to reach out because I know you are dying to.

You may as well flick through those pictures again and smile with regret and longing as they evoke all those momentous times from when we were happy together. So many pictures, so many smiles. Have a look at my Facebook profile again. I did not block you. I would not do that. I want you to see how I am doing. Those messages are for you by the way. I am sure that the cryptic comments that I have posted with those pictures will have been picked up on by you and considered and reflected on. Those were for you. I wanted you to know how much I am missing you and you need your daily fix of stalking my social media. Yes, there was somebody else and I know you will have seen and been distraught to know that she was now receiving my love, my perfect love. How that must have burned inside of you as you realised that somebody else was now the recipient. I knew you would but don’t worry, she isn’t a patch on you so why don’t you come and see me and we can start it all again. I know you want to.

Come and see me. Help me. You are the only one who truly knows me. You know more about me than anybody else. The others, huh, they meant nothing to me. They were aberrations but you, you are the real deal. I love you still. I always have. Just come and see me and I will prove it to you. I will make the changes you want me to do and I know you believe in me. You see the good in me don’t you, you are the one who can let it out and help me. Please help me. I just need to be fixed and you are the one with the tools to do it. There is only you. Please don’t let me down. I need you. I will change. I will be better. I promise. Just come and see me and give me the chance to show you. That is only fair isn’t it? You are a fair person, I know you are, that is why I love you so much.

Come on, just get in touch with me and all this pain can go away. There is no need for it. You just need to press those buttons, dial that number or best of all just turn up. Imagine how romantic it will be. You turning up unexpectedly (but not really) in the rain and I sweep you into my arms again and everything will be good and golden and great once again. Do it. Do it. Give me the dressing down. Come to bed with me. Kiss me again. Tell me how you feel. Offer me forgiveness. Let me know what has happened to you. Tell me. Tell me. Tell me. Do it. Do it. Get in touch. Reach out. Stop the pain. End the hurt. Bring back the joy. Resurrect us. Ignite the passion. Let love reign. Do it. You can do it. I believe in you. End this agony. Let it go. Berate me. Love me. Chastise me. Fuck me. Hate me. Contact me. Contact me. Contact me.

I can hear my ‘phone ringing.

35 thoughts on “Irresistible

  1. gina says:

    I’m magnetic to them. I seek them and they seek me. The excessive charm, aloofness, the cool factor, the extreme confidence, popular with ALL women which makes me want them more, they are sexy and often tell you that they are, they seem to glide through life effortlessly with an entourage telling them they are so wonderful. But, all that aside, it’s when they lock down on you. When they hunt you and are determined to secure you as their supply. Nothing is more exhilarating than the idolization stage with a narcissist. It matches no other feeling. No other high. It’s beyond euphoria especially if you are someone with codependent anxious style of attachment. I swore off all narcissists after the last two and here I am in the midst of being positioned so high in the sky on that tall gold pedestal. In one month of dating, bondage, blood play and marriage were all discussed. Knowing when to jump off the ride and discard them before they do (which they always do) is key. But, it depends on how irresistible they are and if you can quit before the climax.

  2. Brandie says:

    Reblogged this on Speak Out 4 Others .

  3. LOL… Super great piece of writing – loved it! I don’t know who is calling him, but it won’t be me, (smiling brightly). Never thought I would/could move on, be alone, be on my own and be happy, but here I am 🙂 Merry Christmas to me and all the normal people in the world. Looking forward to the best year ever!!!

  4. Alicia says:

    This is so like my life. I am so torn and want to go but something inside of me keeps hanging on. I know I need to leave for my peace and sanity.
    God, why did I ever get involved with this monster?
    Thank you for your insight!

  5. Margaux says:

    Is there a specific order to your books or does it matter in what order they’re read?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Margaux, you can read them in any order save those which are the Confessions Series and the ones with alliterative titles (Adored and Abhorred) etc are best read in order of publication (which you can see on Amazon). Fuel is always a good one to start with, along with Fury.

  6. 1jaded1 says:

    Ring ring…not.

  7. noah80 says:

    He called me yesterday with a private number… he told me just a lot of lies…
    I feel a mix of sadness, anger and also (unfortunately) happyness…
    why I’m also happy to listen again a man that gave to me a lot of pain and lies and that he has only this for me?
    I told him that every his word was just a lie…and also that he don’t love me because the true love is manifested by the facts, I do not want anything false declarations of love…just facts… he didn’t answer. This morning he call me again with a videocall just to say me “good morning” from work… I know it is just a hook… 🙁

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Yes Noah80, he is hoovering you. You ought to consider blocking these means of communication.

  8. I’d like to know what result others got if they tried to contact their N’s. I myself am not willing to try.

    1. Sail Away says:

      I’ve had recent encounters with mine after being NC for 2 months. He just kept contacting and I gave in. He was full of apologies and contrition but I’m pretty sure he’s still lying. Because of that, I can’t be the sweet, sexy, fun lover I was and because of *that* he gets frustrated we aren’t starting back over. (This N truly does seem to crave positive fuel over negative; just my opinion.)

      So you do the dance again only this time it isn’t as fun. I’m hoping it will make going NC easier for me and since I’m not great fuel this time around, he’ll hoover less when I do.

    2. 1jaded1 says:

      I contacted mine last year after years of NC. Immediately after, I thought “what in the ever loving fk did I do?”. Thought nothing more about it until he reached out to my family a couple months later. Then 6 months after that, he texted me and is still reaching out. I’m ignoring. That’s just my experience. Use it how you like birdsworthblog.

    3. 1jaded1 says:

      He actually contacted me today. I am livid angry. Unless he reads HG’s blog, he will never know it. He will never hear it directly from me. Ever.

      1. 1jaded1 says:

        HG. Do you think he reads your blog?

        1. HG Tudor says:


          1. 1jaded1 says:


  9. JT says:

    Wow that gave me chills reading it. That’s exactly how it is.

  10. Ptsdafternarcabuse says:

    Why do narcs have to be so damn irresistible? My narc is somatic and his body is to die for. His pecs, his abs, his perfect v-shaped masculine body with no ounce of fat on it. He did sit ups while i used to count. His forehead would drip of sweat while he lifted weights.
    Yes i would always be checking my phone. Yes he would say he was too tired to call. Yes i would leave him a nasty text. Yes he would want to smash his phone but would not just this time. Yes my friends asked me to delete his number but i never did. Yes i loved his fragrance. Yes he would then give me the dressing down. Yes he would then kiss me like nobody ever did, holding me so gently. Yes i told him i love him. Yes i told him i hate him in the same breath. Yes i told him i forgive him. Yes we ended up enveloped in each other. Damn.

  11. Adele says:

    Been there and done that so many times ive lost count. I have many emails from tiffs we had. Sometimes i go back and reread them as reminders.
    The problem is the narc sets up the perfect scenerio and we buy into it ensnared and we get hooked on that.
    I remember when we first started seeing each other and id call and text a lot he’d say “good i want u addicted to me”. At the time i thought it was funny and chalked it up to humour but he really did want and intended on this. I see that now.
    Withdrawal from the narcs fantasy world is painful but so is the constant uncertainty of knowing what you mean to them and the lack of trust.

  12. I love this article HG. I have it at the same time though because for the very first time I feel he can read my mind. Thank you.

  13. This is so well written. Honestly. I like your writing style because it’s vivid, and accurate. This is the second post you’ve made today that’s really floored me with how close to home it hit.

    It made me reflect on my own emotions, boundaries, and how far I’ve come (although perhaps that wasn’t the intended effect).

    I also notice that what this lacks is the emotional layer. I don’t mean that in a critical way. I mean, as I was reading, it stirred my emotions and so I projected what I was feeling onto your well written words.

    But they are not describing emotion. They are describing actions and reactions, mindsets and frameworks. Its rational and the result of years of observations. Its a very…irresistible description.

    Yet the more I read it, the more I recognized that it was describing a pattern of behaviour that did not apply to me anymore. As in, despite my emotions, I could set them aside and resist after all. I feel relieved.

    I really enjoyed reading this. Thank you for sharing.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you for letting me know LBTM, I appreciate that.

      1. sr201 says:

        I’m right there with moonlight, well said!! it brought up the emotions from when I knew he would entice contact, but now I am able to have peace knowing he does not have that control over me anymore. I know he is waiting for a moment to somehow reach out soon since I have gone no contact, but I am not anxious. All I have learned has really set me free from any fear, now that I understand what is happening. Great post HG!

  14. Sail Away says:

    This one is my favorite.

    I hate that I have succumbed to him like this. You describe them all so well HG.


    1. HG Tudor says:

      Indeed I do and thank you SA.

  15. Maryanne says:

    Oh my…I just received a hoover letter written very much like this. You may have saved me again, Mr. Tudor…so amazingly similar! Thank you..

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are most welcome Maryanne.

  16. Matilda says:

    Oh my God, this is hauntingly accurate…

    You experienced the destruction he is capable of, you know what might await you… you fear how it might end, but your desire to be near him is stronger than anything else… like an addict, you want him, no one but him, cost what it may…

    Yet there is a difference the second time round… you cannot give yourself to him the way you first did, when you knew nothing of heartache… that deep connection you felt is gone… he touches you, yet he can no longer reach the depths of your soul… you know there is no tomorrow…

    The second parting is even more heartless than the first… that is when you hit rock bottom… and that is exactly how deep you must fall… to finally see the truth… and really *understand* that this is what awaits you should you ever think of going back…

    He tried again… of course he did, he was successful twice… only this time, his once powerful persuasion fell on deaf ears… because I have no illusions anymore about how it might end… and I deserve so much better than that…

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Well put Matilda.

    2. Superxena says:

      I totally agree with you Matilda. You couldn’t have expressed it better😀

      1. Matilda says:

        Thank you, HG and Superxena,

        I still cried inconsolably when I heard his life was hanging by a thread… part of me still loves him… part of me despises him and wants to break every bone in his body for the hurt he caused… I could never bring myself to do that in reality, but the idea sounds like justice… those who never went through this hell, simply do not understand that you can equally love and hate someone…

        Now, I just want to see him suffer, like I suffer… and the best way to make him suffer is to stay ‘no contact’… he misses me, he wants my friendship… of course, he does… he now sees how empty his life is without me (=fuel running low)… he now sees that he will probably never meet someone as loving as me… well, that’s though… whose fault is that? why could he not value that when he had me?

        And I know I am still entangled with him, on an emotional level… I moved on, but not not as much as I should have… you have to be alone for quite a while, to find yourself again, undisturbed… I long for a new beginning, for the touch of another, yet I fear it more than anything… what we offer is SACRED… and we need to make sure we only offer it to those who understand that…

  17. MLA - Clarece says:

    Oh this is absolutely a torturous blog for anyone really susceptible to holiday sentimentality to cave and reach out. Like me. Nice knowing you believe in me so!

  18. Snow White says:

    You are so good HG! Lol
    I hear your sweet voice with your breath on my neck and your hand on my waist.
    It’s a good thing I have you and your blog. I need the daily reminders.

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