Silent Salvos


Silence is golden. Or rather, it is a golden weapon when deployed by our kind. The use of silent treatment against our victims is a major part of our portfolio of abusive manipulations. Easy to implement, very low in terms of energy expended but capable of reaping such considerable rewards in terms of fuel, control, the assertion of superiority and the administration of power, it is little wonder that we use it regularly. The application of silence can be used virtually at any time and in nearly every situation. This cold fury causes frustration, upset, fearfulness, concern, confusion and bewilderment. It is perfect at drawing fuel from our victims. It is astonishing just how it affects those it is used against, causing the emotional fuel to froth and spill from the perplexed and worried individual. It causes anxiety and has a most unsettling effect which ensures that those who are subjected to it are unable to understand why it is being used. By maintaining a heightened emotional state, we ensure that you never manage to grasp what is happening and why this passive aggressive tactic is being used. It plays to your desire to know what is happening and why, but you do not realise. You hover around us, asking what is wrong, why are you not speaking to me, what is the matter, please just talk to me. Every sentence you utter, every plea you make and every beseeched demand just makes us continue it all the more. In those instances, where the silent treatment is administered and we remain proximate to you, we will maintain a glacial mask. An impassive fixed expression which may be punctuated by the occasional baleful glare, but underneath this mask we are smiling and laughing at you. Look at how upset she is, see the confusion in her eyes and wait for it, here comes another question, another plea, another request to be put out of her misery. How the fuel flows and we revel in what we see.

Even when the silent treatment is utilised against you from a distance and we are not physically with you, we are savouring just how you will be reacting. We can picture you frantically jabbing your ‘phone as you send text after text asking us to come home, to call you and just explain what the problem is. We listen to your tear-infused voicemails as you ask us to just let you know that we are okay. Your sobbing promises to work things out and “whatever I have done, I am sorry, but please, please don’t do this to me.” Of course your failure to understand what you have done is used against you in two ways so that you are damned either way. Your admission that you do not know what you have done (which of course is entirely correct, how could you know what has happened when we just walked out of the living room when everybody was say quietly watching television?) just serves to underline, in our minds, that we are right to take this course of action. Good Lord, why should we bother to contact you if you cannot even be bothered to work out what you have done wrong. All the more reason to keep this silence going for a while longer yet. Furthermore, because it is so effective at troubling you and keeping you guessing as to what the reason for this icy front is, we want to continue it.

The silent treatment is used for many reasons. First and foremost, as with all manipulations, it is used to draw fuel. It is to exert control over you. It is to keep you in an emotional place and thus paralysed, unable to see what is happening and unable to think clearly. It is to reinforce that we are powerful, superior and mighty, whilst you are useless and pathetic. You do not know how to please us, you do not know how to remedy the matter and you cannot even work out what you have done. You are useless.

There is also a further reason why we use the silent treatment. This is our way of killing you. True enough there are those of our kind who actually do kill their victims. Those people are idiots. They lack control, function and competence and allow their knee-jerk response to override their need for fuel and the ability to do as we please. By committing such an act, by losing control and killing, those of our kind who do this (invariably the lesser of our kind) not only destroy their primary source of fuel (often with no true contingency in place) but they then hand themselves on a plate to the authorities, a prison sentence and the attendant diminution in fuel gathering opportunities that arise from incarceration. As I wrote, they are idiots.

Those of us who exert control over our responses, those of us who are of a higher function, who plot and plan and calculate, do not go down such a route. No, instead we slay with silence and here are seventeen salvos which bring about that quiet death.

  1. Remaining in the room and saying nothing and not even acknowledging you.
  2. Remaining silent but staring malevolently at you.
  3. Talking to others in a social gathering but blanking you.
  4. Ignoring your telephone calls.
  5. Answering your telephone calls but saying nothing as we listen to you beg and plea before ending the call.
  6. Ignoring your text messages.
  7. Allowing you to know we have read your messages but never responding.
  8. Responding to everybody else’s comments on a social media post but not yours.
  9. Inviting everybody in a social group to which you belong, to an event, but not inviting you.
  10. Agreeing to meet for a date and not turn up.
  11. Sleeping in the spare room or on the sofa, anywhere but in the bed with you.
  12. Walking out all of a sudden and completely disappearing.
  13. Not engaging with you directly but acknowledging your existence through a third party – “John, did you hear something then? I thought I heard something squeak/whine/moan” used when you speak.
  14. Extending the silent treatment so it is meted out by lieutenants and members of the coterie.
  15. Responding to any written communication from you by writing “I do not recognise the sender of this letter/message/e-mail”
  16. We talk to you but only about our day, what we want to discuss and do not allow you to speak. We talk over you, ignore what you have to say and behave as if we are talking to ourselves in the mirror.
  17. You hear from other parties that we have been talking in terms as if you do not exist – “Yes, I am going to the wedding next week, I am happy to do so on my own, I am not being controlled then.” Even though you had no idea that we have such a plan in mind. Your existence has been eradicated and deleted by us and relayed back to you by proxy.

Yes, the application of the silent treatment is powerful indeed. It is regarded as a “death blow” against you.

Murdering without feeling has never been so damn appealing.


22 thoughts on “Silent Salvos”

  1. “We talk to you but only about our day, what we want to discuss and do not allow you to speak. We talk over you, ignore what you have to say and behave as if we are talking to ourselves in the mirror.”

    I thought this was just normal for a narc,
    I didnt know it was part of a campaign.

    The “talking to everyone else but blanking you”
    is pretty normal behaviour in my experience.

    There is something else,
    -interrupting the flow of conversation to annoy, disorientate or control.
    not acknowledging the other person has spoken but then getting angry if asked to acknowledge.”youre oversensitive”
    or just responding as if talking to a child
    “oh that’s nice” with no follow up

  2. It’s like the life long addiction to making someone pay for the injustices endured as a child. A time when we are helpless, We form a pattern of behavior, based on the people and circumstances, in our daily life that becomes second nature, somewhat like an addiction. It becomes part of you and you become dependent on it to cope. LIke any addiction, you develop an unquenchable thirst and need it to survive. It takes over. I obviously know there is much more to it and I am no professional on the subject but since reading a lot of your work, it makes me think a lot. In one of your posts you said that when you were young you wanted to please your parents. You have also mentioned that you know right from wrong. These things with the fact that you understand your behavior seems to indicate to me that you once had empathy, sympathy and the normal need to be loved and protected by your parents. So is it that you “can’t” feel? or is it that its repressed, or buried? or is it really completely extinguished? I mentioned to you on another post that you surprised me at one part of your phone interview that you sounded human and it like a glimpse of light and you said….. what you heard was hope. To me, that was a HUGE statement. Just some of my thoughts.

  3. My narc has been giving me the silent treatment for a week, and one day. Now, that i know what he and his narc mom is doing/planning. I keep my gray-rock/poker face on. This is a sick game they like to play, just to get fuel from me.

  4. Disappearing is the absolute worst. Not knowing if that persons abandoning the relationship. If youll hear from them again and no closure. Its deeply terrfying to those with bpd or abandonment fears. It definitely causes anxiety. I cant imagine those that have had it happen a day or more. Thats got to be the worst form of silent treatment

  5. It It is the worst…that is…until you understand it.

    Once you do and you’re fully over the N. When people do this in the future, I c honestly say you can just relax into it. Knowing that they will get in touch when they’re good and ready and if they’re using ST I write them off very quickly as someone with a PD. I may still choose to be friends with (there are too many to ignore) but I will manage them completely differently to my ‘normal’ friends.

    HG your articles really do bring back the control into our lives.

  6. Sitting here watching the sun rise
    The air is still, not a sound being made
    In the silence if one listens many things are said.

    All the leaves are gone
    And the trees are bare
    Everything looks to be drab

    Such is the end
    And the beginning
    If one so chooses

    HG amazing as always, that last line sends shivers every time.

  7. I used to see the silent treatment not as a punishment, but a reward!!

    Now looks who’s getting it. He most definitely see’s it at a punishment from me! Oh yeah, oh yeah….

  8. Hello Mr T.
    1. for what reasons do you need to “kill” or “slay” with silence?
    2.Is this always during devaluation?


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