Tall Stories


The tall tale comes naturally to our kind. It is a necessary device to preserve the image that we want the world to see. It is a consequence of our belief in our brilliance, attractiveness and omnipotence. Social conditioning means that people rarely challenge deviations from the truth, these white lies oil our interaction with one another and often prove entertaining. To us however the tall tale is a necessary device. Each has three constituent parts; the lie, the truth we deny and the reason why.

1. I could have been a model you know.

I am not ugly, far from it, I am possessed of good looks but I maintain that I am stunning, my beauty is such it would launch a thousand ships a la Helen of Troy. I did a little modelling when I was younger, well, if you call parading up and down in front of the mirror in my bedroom modelling. I am attractive but I see myself as transcending that and being jaw-droppingly handsome, eye-widening beautiful and of considerable arousing allure. By maintaining that I could have been a model I reinforce my attractiveness and send some wow factor in your direction to seduce you. All the while I tell myself this to avoid staring at the aging face that is slowly succumbing to age in the bathroom mirror each day and hearing its mocking hisses.

2. I am a head of department and almost on the board.

I am a cookie-cutter who will never rise above satisfactory and this fact pains me considerably but I should be head of the department here, but it is those idiots in charge who fail to recognise my talents and brilliance. They have it in for me you see, they are scared I will get rid of them because I am better than them, so they respond they only way they can, by denying me my rightful promotions. I may not be head of department but I should be and therefore to my mind it is entirely acceptable to tell you that I am, after all, you are not going to be impressed by my cookie cutting skills are you?

3. I have several published papers.

I am an intellectual genius, a behemoth of the scientific community, polymath and leading light and I know that since you are of an academic bent that you will be impressed by my association with prestigious researchers and scientists. I read about them but I don’t know them, but that is not going to stop me in my vainglorious attempt to amaze and delight you. I did once have an article published in a niche journal some time ago but I refer to it as something that drew its own editorial in a major scientific publication. If only more people would listen to me then they would start to understand just how talented I really am.

4. I am a close personal friend of….

Athlete, writer, playwright or film star. Take your pick. I will know at least one and shall regale you with invented tales of lunch dates, childhood connections and telephone calls to congratulate him or her on the latest Oscar success. I know your eyes light up at the mention of his or her name. I know that you think that I must be something special to know someone special and I know you will hang around all the while longer just in case I manage to broker a meeting for you with someone I happened to see attending a film premiere. On television.

5. I love family occasions, I am a brilliant host.

All back to mine is one of my favourite refrains. I always want the family over for dinner, for a BBQ, to celebrate the good times. I want you thinking that I am mein host, the bon viveur and possessed of a certain joie de vivre. The only time I will countenance such attendance is when I know everyone will be looking at me. Every other occasion I hijack in order to make it all about me, so much so that my treacherous, lying and seditious family rarely invite me to anything these days. I don’t want you knowing that yet of course, I want you to believe I am the life and soul of the party and I am a genuine, family man. That is far more attractive than the twisted person who is ostracised by his family that I have become.

6. I enjoy a drink, just to be sociable.

Who doesn’t enjoy a drink? If someone doesn’t drink, I am suspicious of them. Everyone likes to drink, it oils the wheels of social interaction, makes a good time great and reduces inhibitions. I know plenty about wine and will happily impress you with the extent of my knowledge as I walk the attractive line that shows me to be a chap who enjoys a good time without going over board. It is all in moderation of course. Nobody likes an old soak, a drunkard, a lush, a foul and abusive tyrant who uses the demon drink as a crutch to keep the demons at bay when you cruel and savage traitors deny me my rightful fuel. If I say I enjoy a drink and I don’t have a problem, then I don’t have a problem do I? Now fetch me another beer and get off my back.

7. I only have your best interests at heart.

I care about you so much that I would do anything for you and it is all predicated on my concern for your well-being. You lap that up and so does everyone else who falls for my façade of caring and compassionate partner. How lucky you are to have someone so caring. It is the panacea to rationalise everything that I do, no matter how cruel, how base or how harsh. By telling you, the world and most of all myself that what I do is well-intentioned and only in your best interests then that makes it entirely acceptable, noble even. Doesn’t it?

8. I am going to show you what great sex really is.

It is usually stated in a more graphic and profane way to allow you to pretend to be shocked by my visceral and animalistic lust for you, when really you are thrilled to be taken in this manner, for it accords with the conditioning of our roles doesn’t it? The promise of sexual nirvana is a powerful attraction indeed and one few resist. Yet if I happen to provide you with a thrilling sexual encounter which leaves you panting and clamouring for more, I did not do it to show you, I did it to show myself how fantastic I am between the sheets. Then again, there are those of our kind who really have no interest in delivering but the maintenance of the myth, through easily spoken words, is a requirement to ensure you remain drawn to us. They will talk you into bed and then strangely fall silent, until the blaming excuses for non-performance come your way.

9. I have one like that, only….

The back-handed compliment which is purely a device to create an opening for us to boast and brag about how brilliant our car is, how loud our stereo system is, how large our house is, how expensive our clothes are and so forth. Got a forehead have you? Well, I have a fivehead. See, whatever you have I have bigger, better and more of. The truth is I do not, but I wish I have and in fact were it not for this cruel and tortuous world that I have been thrust into, I would have all these things. It is all their fault. It is all your fault. I do of course know all about those things which are bigger and better, even if I do not have them and that knowledge is sufficient pretence to impress you and draw you in, belittle someone else and steal their thunder whilst assuaging my rampaging sense of envy.

10. I don’t think I could love you any more than I do.

From the stable of outlandish declarations of love and it is designed to sweep you off your feet in the manner that society has conditioned you to expect. All I am doing is living up to that expectation and trotting out such seemingly wonderful and meaningful statements which are utterly empty. Except this is no tall tale. This is a rare nugget of truth that has fallen from my perfidious mouth. You of course regard it as a wonderful and delightful statement of my unprecedented love for you. What I am really telling you is the truth, I cannot love you any more that I do, because I do not love you.

6 thoughts on “Tall Stories

  1. Would you mind not placing your dripping beer glass on my eighty five year old original silky oak dresser? What are you going on about, it isn’t doing nothing to it (N) I am not going to sit back whilst you blemish a fully restored piece of Qld history, so don’t put your damned glass there! I told you, it’s nothing and you’re a bitch (N). Next morning: I told you that you were intentionally trying to ruin the piece I invested my money into and now it has a perfect top ruined by a drink glass ring! The last thing before bed, I made sure that there was no damage and yet I awake to a ring there- you intentionally ruined it! Shut up you blah blah, sand it back it’s nothing (N)! You pay to have it restored, as you did it! I told you it’s nothing, it a shitty piece of furniture and you are a bitch and I don’t like it anyway (N)! You’re jealous of anything I have of beauty or individuality and you should live in a tent with fruit boxes and drink crates stacked for tables and you have no respect for things that are not easy to acquire! I would not want any of your shit, I would have much better stuff on my own (N). Really then what the hell is keeping you!!!

    1. Adele says:


  2. Don’t talk to me about football, I know everything there is to know
    Don’t talk to me about the liver, I know everything there is to know because I read the liver cleanse book by the biggest out there, Sandra Cabot
    Don’t talk to me about Reggae, I had every album there was
    Don’t talk to me about alcohol I know everything about every bottle made
    Don’t talk to me about poetry, I was the best poet ever, just ask my ex girlfriend (impossible she ran away from him and not that I believe a word of it)
    Don’t talk to me about personal training, it is quite simple I trained all of my ex wives girlfriends (yeah sure that is why none of them want to know you)
    Don’t talk to me about David Bowie or George Michael, I know everything there is to know (but you did not predict their deaths). In fact N said: I can’t believe George Michael is dead and I said, well I would if I were you it is all over the news!
    I know everything there is to know about telecommunications he said to the telephone tech who spoke with me when he arrived and ignored the big noter when fixing a line knocked out by the storms. The tech called me sweety, typical and something I don’t like but it got up the big noter’s nose, so all good!
    Are you stupid or something, I am late because the Big Big Big Boss came down. (Oh, I said- how tall is he and how much does he weigh? N looked at me and called me crazy). Just once is enough I said- What are you goin’ on about as he glared the glare. The boss, I said- is the boss. Oh you’re a waste of space, we all know he is the big big big boss- Oh, I said now I understand why you have become so limited!

  3. Adele says:

    This is one area i cant say ive experienced much in. My narcs never bragged about himself and truthfully if he had been an overt narc who built himself up i wouldnt be with him. Thats where i was drawn to him as a covert and it was hard to see the abuse and still is in some ways.
    The sex he doesnt brag about but he had told me early on he was very sexual which has been the case. Id say its an addiction but its never bothered me. Hes always used protection. Ive not experienced the bragging tall tale side of narcissism but im sure its common.
    Oddly he did brag quite a bit during the elections about trump and how awful hilary was. It got to be a bit much aftet awhile.

  4. Elena says:

    Im enjoying all your articles ( and lately its quite hard to keep up with all of them!) but this one is my favorite. Right now Im having so many flash backs but the good part is that thanks to you I can see them with other eyes and even laugh about them. Thanks for the empowerment, HG!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome Elena.

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