The Narcissistic Truths – No 134
49 thoughts on “The Narcissistic Truths – No 134”
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I have started to think that narcissist/sociopathic parents raise their children to end up exactly like them or the exact opposite. I always knew I wanted a life different from the extremely toxic environment I was raised in. I was fortunate enough to have fairly normal relationships until a year ago. I felt a void in almost all of my relationships until I met my ex narcissist. I always felt like something was missing until him. I figured out it was all the toxicity I’d grown up in. It felt like home. I’m learning to try to embrace “boring” again. Boring means nothing bad is happening. I felt like I had met my soul mate because he knew exactly what I wanted to hear. Now I look back and realize the men that loved me meant it and when you mean it, it’s shown and often unsaid.
I agree. I become bored because I miss the chaos and mood swings. I miss the suspense of which personality is going to walk through the door. This is what I considered normal because of my parents relationship. It is NOT normal. The way to combat that need for me is to tell my husband is I feel that way, figure out why I feel that way and usually it comes down to anxiety or depression. I want to act out to relieve the tension that anxiety or depression causes. Once I talk about it though it goes away.
So I just saw your blog address and I giggled. Clever. 😂
I have been in therapy on and off for years. I am 36 years old. It took until this year for me to figure out my brain is wired for chaos. I knew it wasn’t healthy yet it’s like a moth to a flame. I am learning to communicate the feeling. Sometimes it’s hard to identify, it almost seems like a different manifestation at times. You are right, it is helpful to talk about it instead of acting on it. I’m glad you are working through things. 😀
Sophia, “brain wired for chaos”. Yes yes yes!
I just remember a film about muslim marriage or indian marriage. It was a film about love. There they showed couples that were very happy with each other. And the filmmaker asked the couples, when did they start to know that they love each other? One couple said, after 10 years caring for each other, respecting the other one to do good things for the family, trying to do their best for a functioning family, they knew, that they do not want to miss the other one. Both said this: man and woman. And they said this with a deep respect for their wife or the husband. There was no romantical love in the beginning, no sexual yearning for the other body, no high expectations, only the hope, that the other one will have similar opinions about a functioning family. They said, their parents chose their partners well. That was a very different approach to what we call love. It was a very interesting documentary. I know that these couples are exceptions, the most marriages will not work that way, but will end in frustration, disappointment and hate for each other. There remains a question for me: Do we look with “blind” eyes for the false partner? Why do we not look first to characteristics like respect for other people, caring behavior and so on? Why do we easily fall in love with one, who smears us with soon falling words : ” I love you so much”. “You are the best one….” Why do we think, that is love?
Lately there was a young girl (about 14 years) She told me, that the young boy, which was in love with her, just took another girl. She was so unhappy . She needed some comfort and she was down. Her confidence was down to the ground. I told her, that she must look at this event with another view: Someone who does not respect her feelings, is not worth thinking about him any longer. That she is such a lovely girl, the boy is just a stupid one to let someone like her go. She deserves someone better. Three weeks later she came to me with a smile in her face and was thankful for my interpretation. She said, she never thought in the way I told her before. I did not hurt her anymore And there was just another boy…… (Do not forget, she was 14.)
Mona,
Thanks for sharing. At such a young age she was able to heed the advice and move forward. The seeds you have planted will hopefully remain with her and be passed on to help others. As adult we try to be mindful of those things then life happens.
Thank you Mona. There are certain cultures that deeply believe in arranged marriages. The criteria for selecting the pair is quite complex. The elders do the arranging. Not only does the couple have to be from the same cast but they also have to be from the same subcast. Also, the elders calculate their natal chart compatibility, as well as investigate their bloodline, going back 5 generations!
It totally blows E-Harmony and other online dating sites out of the water 😁
Aside from this extensive study, the reason these marriages work is because both people go into it fully believing and respecting their traditions. There is no ticket out option. They are 100% invested.
oh I hear this on daily basis… plus
” hundred men together will not equal me”
My ex used to say he loves me. When he realized i was becoming too involved and ‘demanding’ of his time, he stopped, because he didn’t want to lead me on. He didn’t want to hurt me by giving me the wrong idea. He could not realize that it is wrong to stop saying ‘i love you’ at this juncture. It caused my ptsd.
I am not sure, whether many of the empath that suffered an N. do not have a too romantic imagination of love. We always believe in “Cinderella” fairy tales. That could be the result of not being loved enough as a child, not knowing that love does not mean to loose oneself in a relationship. Therefore we do not see the sentence as an exorbitant lie and want to believe it first. Both are too romantic and both are disappointed about the development of the relationship. Both of us react to the changing relationship in our typical manner and expect the other one to do the same.
If I would have been brought up in a different manner, there would have been no interest in him at all after the second bad behaviour. I would think “ Wow, what kind of idiot he is” or after being seduced and listening to such a sentence like above: “Oh no, I do not want some kind of symbiosis. Oh no, what does he want from me? I would be embarrassed by that sentence.
I remember a good friend of mine, she told me that her husband once has said to her : “You are the only one in my life”. And she said to me, that she felt very unpleasant about that sentence, because she was of the opinion, that couples should not be too close and should not rely only on each other. Everybody should have more than one person to rely on. They led a very good marriage about more than 30 years. Unfortunately he died. They were very happy with each other. But she did not like that sentence. I believe, that she would not have been a victim of H.G. She would not have been impressed by his lovely and sweet words.
I remember another woman, a very confident woman, who wanted to marry. She told me, that she met her ex boyfriend a few weeks before her marriage, slept with him, tested, whether there are any feeling for that man. She decided : “no” and married her new boyfriend. She never told her husband about that . They still live happily together. She was not that romantic that we are.And she was not a friend of infidelity. She needed a last test for her decision. And is still …. happy with her husband!
Mona,
I totally agree, we want that fairytale love. We wait for it for years we believe in Cinderella and the shining knight that will rescue us and shower us with the love we so deeply desire. Most of us if honest could agree that we yearned for the love and attention we seek earlier in life.
It’s ironic there’s some similarities and traits of personality disorder. However, we don’t see it because we seek and give love. Love is good right? Is this self serving? What if we had people telling us to change our thoughts and feelings? Change who we are irregardless of the cause innate or learned .
Hopeless romantic eh? Remember that any narc romance is for the benefit of ensnaring. I would say that in my now normal marriage I have thoughtfulness. I am not sure if these are romantic. Cooking for me. Giving me your coat because I look cold. Reaching for my hand as we drive. Wiping my tears not causing them. Listening to me intently even though the subject is trivial. Asking my opinion. Reading me something that you know I would find interesting. Knowing I am adventurous so asking me what I want to try or where to travel to. Sitting in silence together because we are comfortable in it.
Drinking wine by the fire watching the deer in our yard eat at sunset.
Are these things romantic? I honestly ask because I sincerely don’t know. I think you could experience these things with alot of men. The only difference I see is I don’t get verbally, physically, emotionally or sexually abused. Does that make a guy “the one?” Maybe some of you can enlighten me.
I am jealous, just kidding. You are truly blessed. I don’t think I am capable of returning that type of love or accepting it.
Annabelle, I think he’s the one. Of course from my fairytale imagination. I wish you continued happiness.
Thank you. 15 years and I still can’t decide if he is. How messed up am I? Some days I wish he would abuse me just so I could know how to act. Other days I remind myself that the ones I was with before would not ever be there for me like he is. It is strange to live without the games when it was so ingrained from childhood.
ABBA,
I didn’t realize you were married to that wonderful guy that long. I think it’s true we are so used to the disfunction we may have experience as a child or from a prior relationship with a disorder person it’s confusing to discern what’s normal or not. The masked would have slipped off rolled into the river and returned several times by now if he was a narc. Embrace what you have I am sure he’s God sent. You deserve all the happiness your hand and heart can hold. Relish it.😊
Great question ABB. Now I’m analyzing my definition of romance. I would define what you listed as having a loving, caring, and comforting significant other. Basically you have a healthy relationship. Foreign concept to me.
So what is romance? I always thought romance is the precursor to a ‘happy ending’. 😊 yes there is a fireplace, hand holding, aphrodisiacs, and alcohol involved. But it all is a means to an end.
Hm. Very thought provoking. You made me realize I’ve always linked romance with sex.
Thank you for saying that Love. I used to link sex with love. If you have sex with me surely you love me? I realized that sex is an act of intimacy and love. I thought if you don’t want me sexually it is a rejection of the whole person. This is objectifying yourself. I am only good for sex. I did not feel anything emotionally during the act. No deep connection, no love, no affection. Just what your body naturally does. That came from sexual abuse. My concepts were undeveloped. I still have to work at staying present mentally. I have homework from my therapist to help me build intimacy. To learn to connect to the other person during sex. So this is why I asked. If sex is intimacy plus love. What is romance? Is it wooing? Is it maintaining attraction? HG, please don’t send me to my room for asking.
That sounds wonderful 🙂 … I would consider all these little acts of kindness as genuinely caring. Reaching out to you by way of touch, reading to you, or sitting in silence together, that’s very romantic in my eyes. You found a ‘good one’, that’s for sure 🙂 … time will tell if he is ‘the one’!
A narc would only do that during the Golden Period. She can tell that he wants more out of it than he gives, because he always reverts the attention back to himself. He cannot just let her enjoy ‘her moment’ and rejoice with her. That’s why the most romantic gestures become stale, and she struggles to understand why. She feels guilty for not being as excited as she should be, as others would be in her situation. He surely feels the fury rising, thinking she was ungrateful. And both are miserable!
Sounds like a great marriage to me. The Cinderella romantic emotions come and go, but with a good foundation like that, you can make it over the mountains and thru the valleys. The key is mutual respect. I could have handled the fact that my narc was not ” In love ” with me ( I handled it for 22 years) if he had respected me. But when I saw how his emotional abuse had affected my 2 older children, I ended it so that I could protect my 3 younger ones. I wish I had known earlier and could have saved my older kids. My healthy marriage to my second husband has done wonders for the younger ones and I hope will eventually be an eye opener to my older children.
Hard questions ABB. Thank you for raising them.
ABB
I don’t pretend to know about romance and love so I understand your question and confusion. These things seem courteous and thoughtful, and are portrayed in movies and by others as things desired by romantics. Is the difference then in how he makes you feel doing these things with him over any other man? And I mean any man, not just an abuser. Is it romance if you cannot comprehend doing those things with anyone else? And is it love only if you can sustain that over a long period of time?
NA,
That’s what I’m sayin. I could easily let go of anyone because I don’t attach. It could be anybody sitting there. Doctor says it’s because of people entering and exiting my life on a frequent basis. So I enjoy them while they are there and if they disappear, there is always a replacement player. I think 15 years with him is a long time. It’s the longest I have had. Time doesn’t matter does it? Is it really abnormal to let go? If they leave you get someone else right? What is it we are supposed to be looking for? I just want a friend to hang out with, talk to and have sex with. I have that. I had it before with games and chaos. This time it’s tranquil and peaceful. What really constitutes love?
HG, what are your thoughts on this? Have you ever been in love? If so, how did you know?
No. I thought I had, as is always the case with our kind, but I now realise it was not love.
Do you have abandonment issues?
Well I can’t say I am overly impressed if a primary source tries to escape me, that infuriates me.
Fair enough. Thanks.
Btw , I think this is what happens when there is an attempted escape…..
https://abb625.files.wordpress.com/2017/01/wp-1484777668525.jpg
You mean nobody will target me and research me ahead of time to meet certain criteria such as being vulnerable to a recent break-up, death in the family, job transition or loss, etc., that makes us all the more open and attracted to your overtures.
That’s right. And thank God they’ll actually love me.
I heard this repeatedly as well as, “I love you more than anyone has ever loved you.”
Which I found laughable and almost insulting, considering all of his empty promises and he was never there when I needed him.
I heard this so many times and I think that this is true!
It might be false love, mirrored emotions or whatever – they mirror the You and show you how beautiful you are inside (during the “golden age”)…never had feelings which were so addictive, felt so deep and perfect. Did I fall in love with myself then???
It’s true, nobody “loves” like they do. All relationships before can’t be compared.
But we all know that this is not healthy right!
Thank you HG, always a pleasure!
Yes, you fall in love with yourself. HG has said that once before – but that’s what falling in love is to anyone.
Plenty of people will love me like your kind does, meaning they will not feel love for me at all.
Hmmmm this scares me, (I think/thought I was the empath before all this scared I have narcissistic tendancies) I loved and forgave a narcissist so many time .. I have said this exact statement to him … x x
A statement said in isolation such as this is not determinative of being a narcissist (or even having narcissistic tendencies). Someone who IS a narcissist will use this phrase repeatedly and from our mouths it has an entirely different connotation to if it is said by a non-narcissist.
Wrong again 😉
Ditto again.
…but Narcs don’t love. So like, is this meant to be ironic or one of those tongue in cheek, winky reminders that of course we’re going to be loved better?
If anything, us Empaths should be saying this! Although I’ve noted myself before that no one will ever love me the way my Narc pretended to love me. But better no love than I fake love, in my opinion.
Ps. I know Narcs really want to love us. It just sucks how they’re totally incapanle of it. Oh well!
Thank God!! I never want to be “loved” like that again.
I have been told this many times….and all i can say is “I hope to hell not because I can’t do this again!”
I pray i get strong enough inside and out, that who ever that nobody is doesn’t even try to love me like the narc did.
H.G, is there a type of woman you won’t even try for, that actually has your respect and you stay away from? What are her qualities that she radiates, that keeps you away?
Hello Red, invariably there is always potential but I would be inclined to give a miss to someone who is highly likely to wound me, provide no fuel and is of considerable effort and energy expenditure to find and contact. There is nothing on offer. I have yet to come across her.
That would be description of me 😉. My narc got his treatment for couple of years but he was so stubborn and clingy. I just do not get it as I was a bit of a bitch and manipulated him using his own techniques for couple of years. Why he was so hopeful I will change my mind? Why he was that way HG? He wanted to prove himself that he can seduce me? Those attempts were amusing to me but cute too. I know he wanted more than friendship but I have not been interested in that at all and went true couple of heated arguments so he maintains the boundries. He was a cute nerd but I found him so weird overall. And then after I left a job he turned out to be the biggest bustard having a double life he hid from me for years and smearing me behind my back to others when I went above and beyond for him.
He evidently wanted to conquer you as he saw the gain form doing so as worth it.
Sure, conquer me to later destroy me as he dostroyed our friendship. I still do not understand why he was doing it. I could be his friend forever. He had zero gain from all those manipulations. It would be so much worse if I was his intimate partner. I would need therapy or I would be in jail now 🙂
Thank you H.G. for now on i will fearlessly strive to be that woman.
Do you have a book/article yoy can recommend that focuses on how a narc is wounded ( not for maliciousisness, but for the protection of myself)? Or even about a type of woman you would steer away from?
No Contact, Fury and Revenge deal with wounding (amongst other matters), Red.
Thank you. I’ll have to reread them again, lots of info i have to reabsorb, because of the denial and tuning out.