If You Leave Me



If you leave me I shall surely die and you cannot want that on your conscience can you? If you leave me now, everything that we have built up together will come crashing down around us. Why would you want to do that? Why destroy what we have. Yes, I know that things have not been as good between us lately, but it is not the time to focus on those few bad things but rather to remember what we had, what we have and to treasure that. We are meant to be together. We are bound together as one and I cannot allow you to leave and break what should be unbreakable. How could you countenance doing such a thing? We work so well together, have I not given you love that is beyond anything else you have ever experienced before? You said as such yourself. You have written about it so many times in those beautiful letters that you composed for me, a perfect partner to the expressions of love, passion and desire that I have spoken so many times to you. We have that perfect love, we have just lost our way a little, that is all. We can soon find it again, trust me. We found one another at the beginning didn’t we? Two lost souls who had both been hurt by others before, we saw enough in one another to trust one another with recounting those painful memories didn’t we? We were fated to meet. It was meant to be and if we were able to find ourselves amidst the fog of hurt and regret then surely we can find our way again now? I will do whatever is required to make you stay with me. I cannot let something this precious trickle through my fingers, not now, not after everything that we have said and done.

We have such plans for the future. We want to marry one another and raise a family. That desire cannot have evaporated overnight. No, I thought as much, I can see it in your eyes. Look at me and you will see a man who will be nothing more than a wretched soul if he was to lose you. You are everything to me, you are my north star, my guiding light, my sense of calm and serenity when all is chaos around us. I need you and you need me. We fit together so well. Everybody says that about us. What hope is there for the rest of the world if they see those icons of a perfect love torn asunder? Who will they look to for comfort and encouragement? We not only have an obligation towards one another but to them as well. There is too much darkness out there. Too much hurt, agony and cruelty and we can stand together and be that shining beacon of hope. Do it for me, do it for them, do it for us. Please, I am collapsing inside. The thought of never waking beside you ever again fills me with the most terrible dread. If you leave me, you will rip out the core of me and I will perish. There will be no purpose without you. Everything will become grey, ashen and dark. All colour will be drained from my world if you walk away now. Please do not do it. Please stay with me. I want you to be happy. I want to be happy. I want us to be happy together. There is so much we have not yet done, so many worlds to experience together, to conquer and rule. You are the one who sits at my left hand, my queen. Whatever is needed, just say the words and I will execute what is required but please, please, I am begging you, do not leave me. I love you.

If you leave me I shall ensure you die and believe me, it will no trouble my conscience. If you leave me now, everything that you know and cherish will come crashing down around you. Why would I want to do that? Why destroy what you have? Because you deserve it for your selfishness and your disdain towards me, after everything that I have done for you. Yes, I know that things have not been as good between us lately, but that is because you have not made the time to focus on me and you would rather forget what we had, what I gave you and to treasure me. We will always be together. You will not escape me. I will make it my sole mission in my life to ensure you never become free of me. We are bound together as one, you accepted that from the beginning and I cannot allow you to leave and break what I am entitled to. How could you countenance doing such a thing? How could you hurt the one who has done so much for you? I know how, because you are a fraud, a cruel temptress who swept me up and promised the earth and then delivered nothing. Oh wicked harridan, seditious slut and cruel crone you are. I worked so hard to bring us together, have I not given you love that is beyond anything else you have ever experienced before? You said as such yourself. You have written about it so many times in those beautiful letters that you composed for me, a perfect partner to the expressions of love, passion and desire that I have spoken so many times to you. Well understand this. I meant none of it. I have never loved you, you do not deserve my love, I will give it to someone who will appreciate it and give me what I want, but I will not let you rest. I will not let you walk away from me. You have a price to pay and you will keep on paying. I have created the perfect love and you have trodden all over it. If you try to leave I can soon find you again, trust me. My reach is far and wide. You have no idea of those who are waiting to help me and bring you down. I found you at the beginning didn’t I? That wasn’t me acting alone, I can promise you that. You a broken and lost soul who had been hurt by others before, I saw enough in you to endure you recounting those painful memories didn’t I? Oh I listened alright, storing all the details and I will use them against you now. I will scatter them to the four winds, posting and spreading details of your vulnerabilities far and wide. Not only those but all of the others I have collected whilst we have been together. Oh I have quite the collection and I will not hesitate to use them to destroy you. We were not fated to meet, I chose you. It was meant to be and I will find you again amidst the fog of hurt and regret that I will weave around you so you cannot see a way to escape. I will do whatever is required to make you stay with me. I cannot let something this precious trickle through my fingers, not now, not after everything that we have said and done.

I have such plans for the future. I want to marry another and raise a family and I will keep you updated as to that progress so you are tormented by what you could have had, but you chose to be selfish and leave. That malicious intent will not evaporate overnight, you do realise that don’t you? No, I thought as much, I can see the fear in your eyes. Look at me and you will see a man who will turn you into nothing more than a wretched shadow of your former self. I am everything to you, I will be the clouds which obscure your waystar, I will snuff out your light, I will eradicate any sense of calm and serenity by sowing chaos all around you. You need me more than ever. My machinations fit together so well. Everybody will know how treacherous you are if you dare to leave me. What hope is there for the rest of the world if they see this icon of perfection treated so unfairly? Who will they look to for leadership and brilliance? I not only have an obligation towards myself but to my supporters as well. There is much darkness out there for you, all created by me. Much hurt, agony and cruelty and my supporters will and can stand together and be that relentless machine that crushes you. Do it and see what happens. Please me or you will collapse inside. The thought of never sleeping properly again will fill you with dread because I will always be there, waiting and watching. If you leave me, I will rip your heart out and consume it. There will be no purpose left for you. Everything will become grey, ashen and dark. All colour will be drained from your world if you walk away now. Do not do it. Stay with me. I want you to be controlled. I want to control you. I want and I will get it. There is so much I have not yet done to you, so many worlds of yours to conquer and rule. You are the one who lies broken at my feet, my conquest. Whatever is needed, I will say the words and I will execute what is required to make your life a living hell but I am ordering you, you will not leave me. I hate you.

Which shall it be? The former? The latter? Perhaps both if really required.

40 thoughts on “If You Leave Me

  1. Ellie says:

    It’s not that bad guys – those threats, leave them. Plan ahead and play your cards right and refuse to give a single f*ck once you’ve done this. Years of abuse – what worse could happen than living and sleeping with the enemy? This is also your best bet – you know the enemy’s patterns. Smear campaign? Couldn’t care less. New girlfriend? Poor girl, but whatever. Provocations? I have no way of caring for something that is said for the sole purpose of provocation. And also I don’t care what the narc or any of his “friends” think about me, so anyways… Social media posts and likes? I’ll laugh at these as they are the most pathetic way of trying to get someone’s attention. “You’ll never find anyone quite like me” – that’s the point!
    I understand that some situations are extremely complicated but caring is how they get us in the first place so… I guess you have to be willing to lose in the short run and you have to be informed about what you’re dealing with to avoid succumbing to any hopes and attempts to “figure it out” and “make it work”.
    I’d also say it’s quite an amusing experience to wound a narcissist. Catching them uprepared and leaving them without a primary source and suggesting someone is better than them are my favorites. I have no idea why he clinged to me, I must have been hell at times….

  2. I use to always tell my ex but not really believing it could really be so, “I swear you just keep me around to inflict more pain on me cause thats what you get off on!” Turns out I was dead on!

  3. You’re really welcome Tanya. When any therapist, psychiatrists have any man telling them how they should think, big alarm bells should ring. Police officers as well, all too often should not engage with any man that is mouthing off about their partners state of mind. I feel like I could know you from what you write as it is very close to home. I see this is the story of so many women and most of the time these (saints) have surrounded themselves in anything that will deceive anyone who should be looking at their behaviour! They will do anything to deflect the radar off them and that is where it rightfully belongs. God is our strength and our faith gets tested extremely, however that is what these (saints) do, it is them doing the testing! Then they get what they want and play victim and use the services to try and make false claims and gain sympathy saying that their partners just up and ran off and kidnapped the children. The story is so much the same as one I have close to my heart. May your every waking day be blessed and much blessings to your children. No one runs, if there is no cause. No one places their kids in shelters unless it is mountains of abuse that has got them to that point. I ma sorry for every ounce of pressure and humiliation you felt when he was trying to frame you and God stepped in and he will continue to do so. 🙂

  4. Tanya says:

    My ex husband would send many emails (I am glad he never swore at me) telling me how could I not see that even though there were bad times, there were so many more good times. He is such a good man, a descendant of a Saint, being forced to deal with someone as mentally unwell as me. He was kind enough to quit his job for me so he could take care of me because I was mad( He went to psychiatrist with me & told her about the symptoms he observed and had her put me on all kinds of drugs. Those days are still foggy to me. No, I do not have bipolar disorder. I had to go through a psychiatric evaluation and it was proven that I am fine.).
    He said “why can’t you go back to being my good hearted, and loving wife? Oh, well. You have destroyed our children’s lives and your life. No one will ever want you, your family will abandon you and your friends will be too ashamed to be seen with you.” I am grateful to God that none of what he said came true.
    Thank God, that when I left him, I went to a womens’ shelter with my kids, they helped me get an Order of Protection, I was given free housing for a while, and the police were completely on my side when he went to them saying that I had kidnapped our kids. The police laughed in his face, told him they knew exactly where his kids were and had no intention taking legal action against me.
    I am in a state of peace now. It is the best feeling in the world.

    1. Phoenix says:

      Hi Tanya. Thank you for sharing. 😊
      It’s wonderful to hear that you’re in a state of peace now and things are doing better. 😀

      1. Tanya says:

        And thank you for reading my tirade, Phoenix ☺

    2. <3 Tanya- Breakers of the most sacred of trusts. They are so saintly and ought to receive the highest honour for serving the community well, starting with their partners first. Fortunately, God was there every moment and he does not fail to bring things around to where they will be in his time. God the reader of hearts, knows their every scheme and plan and the more props they get to infest with their lies, those people shall be just as accountable for not using the discernment of the wise. They don't like being in the hole alone, do they and that's okay because their props are choosing to go to the hole with them. There is no excuse for ignorance- if a man came to me at any time and harped about his wife, partner I would turn on my heels and tell him he is telling the wrong woman!

      1. Tanya says:

        😊Your support means a lot, PurpleRibbonHealing

    3. God is Good, Amen <3

      1. Tanya says:

        God is awesome ❤ PurpleRibbonHealing

  5. Tonya fox says:

    I could not get enough info on the topic of narcissism over the past few months ! I would literally watch my alert notification when HG posted something new. I even opted for private sessions and found some solice with my exchange with the greater . It confirmed that I had been entangled with this kind and has helped me understand just a little piece of the narcs complex mind. The condition was caused by parents who should have never been allowed to have children . These real human beings survived horrific things and in this process they grew up with intent of draining the life literally out of the human condition of our kind ! The emphatic trait carriers . They can’t stop! They won’t stop it’s the Narcs pre conditioned cursed lot ! This super empath is now educated on this topic and to be honest I can barely make it through the articles and videos I once found so magnetic. This came as sudden as if someone turned on the light switch and then I had to hurry and reach out to turn it off . I could not see or hear anymore! ! To know abuse and torment happend to this kind triggers my heart felt emotions ( go figure ) for the pain inflicted to them early on in life is unfair . I’ve learned that being fuel driven goes for both types the Narc and the Emp in very different ways . I’ve learned that adversity and pain grew me . No I didn’t ask for abuse or mistreatment or being emotionally gutted and numb but it happened. I didn’t ask to fall in fake one sided love with a Somatic Lesser It just happened ! I was targeted and mirrored because of my character traits and values . I was targeted and deceived just like the rest that come to this site looking for answers .I learned there is real EVIL walking , talking and breathing right next to you in multitudes . Empty emotionless fuel hungry demons that are alive and well drawing life from unsuspecting souls ! What was meant for my harm turned into valuable lessons life changing lessons . I reached way down and grabbed those envied traits and realized that I am a survivor. I am a strong super emph that’s faith was tested to the deepest level of my core . I doubted the God I know exists and that loves me and that’s shown up every time I called on him even at my lowest when I couldn’t even feel him . He does not love evil!! He is light and where there is light darkness can not exist ! The father of lies does temporarily prevail with the stealth manipulating tactics used by his flying monkeys 🐒 and blind followers . I felt his gloating presence and satisfaction in many of these articles . Some were to the point of bragging about inconspicuous soul draining ! A wonderful gift my kind possess is we don’t hate your kind even after you tried to leave us for dead . I guess I have come full circle with my narc experience . I leave this blog alive again ! smarter , more watchful , more careful a little less willing to give my love away to just anyone and more spiritualy aware and centered again . My senses are now heightened to this personality disorder. Simply put … we didn’t ask to be this way no more then the author asked to be the way that he is . I’m praying that God reveals some kind of respite period from the fuel need and torture that’s buried deep inside these injured children trapped in empty shells encased in adult bodies they have carry around and keep fueling until they die ! I want to remind my kind that they have hope and the gift discernment to draw from and a return to peace that radiates a glow that the Narcs will never have the pleasure of experiencing! Without hope we have nothing !!!! ! Signing out with much respect to the greater Narc author of this blog .

  6. HG. you are EVIL TO THE BLOODY CORE. Jesus. What does “HG” stand for anyway? Hells Goblin???

  7. Lizz sieling says:

    Hi hg when is your third book of your narcissist masked coming out?? I read the first two and enjoyed them.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Lizz, I am pleased you enjoyed the first two. It is being written and will hopefully be available in a couple of months.

  8. Lacy says:

    Actually, there is someone else now and you are no longer a working appliance. Quit bothering me. You’ve become dull, boring and pathetic with your begging. I can see clearly now and I can’t be bothered with you. Get a grip. You’re embarrassing yourself.

  9. Indy says:

    Even Mary Tyler Moore had SPUNK! RIP Mary….

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Indeed Indy the Marcher, even if the dude hated spunk!

      1. indiglowsky says:

        Nods, indeed! Hehe 😂 ☮️✌🏻️
        Next march, the science of spunk and how climate change affects the quality of spunk! ♻️

        1. HG Tudor says:

          The mind boggles.

  10. Cara says:

    My mother won’t die if I cut her out of my life…she operates under the delusion that I will come to a horrible end without her to engineer every facet of my life.

  11. Phoenix says:

    Hi Katanon (@ComradeKristina). Nice to meet you. Haha, yes my ex would not be able to compose something like that either, and if he did my first thought would be wondering if he plagiarized if from someone elses writing hah I got the threats and pity party plays in the messages he sent me as well. “Everybody always leaves me” etc…Yes the mixed messages are very confusing. All the best with court and the restraining order. 🙂

    1. Hello, Phoenix. Yes, the mixed messages are amazing and can be within minutes of each other with this one. I used to call him Sybil. 😀 Mine would never lower himself to proclamations of love either. He always said if we broke up he might be sad for a couple weeks but then he’d just move on. Well, I kicked him out December and he is still inventing reasons to contact and harass me. I rejected his attempts to hoover for sex so then it switched to threats again. His brain must be like some psychedelic circus as near as I can tell.

      1. Phoenix says:

        Hi Katenon 😊thanks for sharing.😊
        Psychedelic circus heh
        High five for kicking him out last December 😀👍well done, its not easy.
        Sybil,.. and Like Jekyll and Hyde 😉 ah he’s still trying to get emotional reactions from you..

        I used to call mine “Houdini” because like a magician he’d vanish briefly,or i would back off and then he’d show up again… abracadabra “poof!”. He’s back.. heh
        Good on you for rejecting his sexual advances, noticed it can be used to increase emotional attachent to draw you in. Mine always used sexuality..incredibly intense, hard to resist at times and made me feel more attached and in love with him.
        This may sound strange but in the whole 10 years i knew my ex i NEVER once went all the way physically with him, it made him furious, so he’d try to hurt me by chasing others intentionally to make me jealous or get upset..devalue me etc which was silly on his part it just made me trust him even less..😨so i definitely was NOT going to sleep with him….there were too many betrayals to feel safe to open up 100% to him. His lack of empathy was stupidity as far as that went.
        I wasnt a prude in the slightest but now its over it makes me giggle that he tried for 10 years and never got ‘the cookie’ from me hah😂 it was not intentional,i wanted to be with him,but i didnt feel safe. I couldnt understand how someone so intelligent had no empathy. Getting him to understand how i felt ? I wouldve had better luck banging my head on a wall and having the wall empathizing with me
        I loved him dearly and was fully loyal even when not together, which was very often due to the games he played . i cared so much.. but deep down i always felt like i deserved better and due to his lack of sexual integrity.. for some reason i couldnt give him my ‘everything’ in that 1 physical aspect..

        Thanks for reading

        Kataton ..Youre doing well resisting his hoovering, and threats 😨
        im so glad youre being good to you ! Youre kicking arse, proud of ya’ well done 😀

      2. Phoenix says:

        (Oops, im sorry, the comment went twice. I’m typing on my phone and i didn’t realise the first version sent properly)

  12. Phoenix says:

    Oh awesome, I felt glued to each word, that was chilling and relatable. The words flowed beautifully, description brought it to life, it was just like the building of intensity and angst and desire and confusion of the mixed messages and tug of war of the real thing. I could relate from past experience. It is the damned if you do and damned if you don’t scenario.

    How did you write that so quickly ? The ginormous message I wrote yesterday took me hours. hah . Words flow out of you like Lava.
    That was helpful mental preparation for my ex returning in the future, especially with my music career.
    I gave him too much ammunition with my ‘openness’ to him, a sin of the empath.Thank you. It is helpful to see inside your perception to be prepared in future.
    You’d write TV/Film scripts really well, thrillers and crime etc.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you Phoenix, it does not take me long to write an article once I apply my mind to it.

      1. Phoenix says:

        Wow; that’s great focus, time management, answering messages, videos, articles, edit and do the photos and truths AND ..written over 40 books etc.That is an efficient machine you run there, you must have 8 arms like an octopus and drink a lot of coffee to get all of that done heh 😉

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I have many tendrils.

      2. Phoenix says:

        Hahaha I bet you do 😀

  13. Indy says:

    But, I will always leave you. You always know this, deep down. This is why you cling and discard, on your terms….but I’m faster than you.

    **holds gaze before I swirl my cape and turn into the mist**

    1. Or is that smoke from Mary jane?

      1. Indy says:

        It’s white sage…yeah, that’s it….white sage.

        1. I’m thinking about getting my card. Purely for medicinal purposes. They just added CPTSD to the list of conditions! I’d actually be legit. Of course I don’t smoke and I already have a fat ass so no brownies so vapors win! I’m coming to visit Indy!

          1. indiglowsky says:

            Girl, come on down!! Hehehe…

  14. Sarabella says:

    Funny. No. Not so funny. I see me in both of them with him. I don’t even now how it started. No wait, I do. It was a defense against him. So sad, that in the end, he was “angry” or whatever he was, that one moment, I was I Love You and the next, Fuck You Go Away. But, in my heart, I know he started it. I could not take the hurt anymore, the betrayal. So I turned on him but it was hard to do. When all I had wanted was to believe a fraction of what he had told me.

    When do you HG start to hear this same dialogue in your targets, for wont of a better word? I would literally flip flop within minutes. One moment, fully confident of what I would feel, then something would happen and I would retract it all. But it all started when he began his devaluation of me. I want to blame him for it all. Would that be accurate? I mean it did though, fit right into his plan to be able to call ME bipolar. He made me that way, correct?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Yes it is engineered.

  15. I have had the abbreviated version of both. Mine would never take the time to write all that. I would probably die laughing if he sent me either of those because he couldn’t possibly compose something like that on his own. His were text messages. Which waver between needing to see me and telling me he is going to kill me and what a horrible slut I am. I have grown weary of his antics now, though. I went and spoke with a counselor today and she is putting the paperwork together to file for a restraining order. The only catch, I will have to face him in court to get that injunction. Shudder.

    1. Tanya says:

      I’ll be rooting for you, Katanon.

    2. Bronwyn says:

      Difficult as facing your abuser may be, it’s worth it. By doing so you assert the authenticity of your being. Your lived experience. That’s liberating. I admire your tactics.

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