5 Common No Contact Mistakes – No. 5 Social Media Stalking


You may have been discarded and reluctantly commenced a campaign of no contact or, you have escaped and you have resolved to ensure that we do not reach out to you. You want your no contact to succeed, to stand firm and remain effective. One of the most frequent ways you scupper your no contact is by engaging in social media stalking.

Oh I know why you do it. You think that it does not count if you are watching us but not engaging with us. I will explain below how this has significant consequences for the prospects of success for your no contact campaign, but first of all, how does this behaviour manifest?

  1. Repeatedly checking on our social media by looking at our profiles;
  2. Repeatedly checking on the social media profiles of people connected to us – family, friends and/or the new primary source;
  3. Asking your friends to spy on our social media if we have blocked you;
  4. Establishing false profiles for the purpose of being granted access again. Not to communicate but to gather information.
  5. Checking to see if we are following you say on Instagram or Twitter even though we may not be directly engaging with you.

There is little doubt that social media has had a significant impact on society and behaviours. Its various effects are not the purpose of discussion here save that social media is habit forming. How many people go to their social media profiles first thing in the morning to see what has happened over night? There is the expectation of activity and new things to discover – new likes, comments, new pictures – and it is akin to opening presents on Christmas morning. How many people check their social media on their commute to work, whilst they are using the toilet, sat in the bath, waiting for a friend, waiting in a queue, during a break at work, when they should be working, when there is a lull in the conversation on a date? It is highly addictive and people have conditioned themselves to look at their social media on a repeated basis each and every day. It is the default position. Experiencing a lull? Rather than talk to someone, engage in your own thoughts or take in the world around you, many people stare at that screen and immerse themselves in their social media.

Ray Bradbury in his novel Fahrenheit 451 identified people’s preoccupation with “quick fixes” even though social media was decades away. He was concerned that mass media (which social media is) was usurping an interest in literature. in the novel, Clarisse McClellan comments to Guy Montag (a fireman whose job it is to burn books) about how she spends time walking around actually looking at things rather than engaging with the parlour walls, the fun parks and the racing car circuits (these items being the mode du jour of acquiring a quick fix of entertainment in a superficial and meaningless manner). She notices the dew on the grass, the smells in the air, the dawn and such like. This is alien to Montag and most of society, all of whom have become obsessed with the quick fix.

Social media has become the fun parks et al which Bradbury wrote of. Its grip on people is strong and habitual and as part of this it has become an instinctive method by which you endanger your no contact by stalking our social media. Owing to the fact that you habitually check your own social media, it follows that it is just a click or two’s effort to then expand this habit into checking our social media. It is very easy to do. You engage in this social media stalking of us, for several reasons including :-

  1. You still want a connection with us. If you have been discarded you do this stalking and it satisfies to some degree the craving to remain connected with us. If you have been blocked, you do this vicariously through your friends reporting. If you have escaped, you know you ought not to have anything to do with us, but your still rampant emotional thinking means you still desire a connection and you regard this as a ‘safe way of achieving this. It is not.
  2. You want to see signs that we miss you, that we are thinking of you.
  3. You want to know what we are doing.
  4. You want to see if we have removed pictures of you (or you and us) or kept them up in order to maintain hope that the Formal Relationship might be resurrected.
  5. You want to see if we are mentioning someone else yet in terms of a new primary source.
  6. If there is a new primary source you want to compare yourself to him or her.
  7. If there is a new primary source you want to see how we are interacting with them. Is it in the same way as we did with you, is it better, is it worse, are there signs of trouble between us?
  8. You want to see if our life is turning to shit in order to derive some satisfaction from this occurring as ‘reward’ for our abhorrent treatment of you.
  9. You want to ascertain if there is some message, be it overt or covert towards you which you can seize on.
  10. You need to receive answers because we do not provide them to you.
  11. You need to ascertain why you have been discarded and why we are with somebody so soon because (from your perspective) there is no rational explanation for our behaviour.

Accordingly, stalking our social media serves to address some of your needs but it actually works against the successful implementation and maintenance of no contact.

  1. You are allowing the Ever Presence to continue. Your habitual checking of our social media means that each and every day (and possibly several times a day) you are thinking about us. This means you are allowing (or risking dependent on where your recovery is at) the emotional infection to rise and continue. This happens just because you are thinking about us by checking our social media.
  2. Not only are you perpetuating the Ever Presence but you are making it more potent because you are stoking your emotions. It might be regret, sorrow, hurt, anger, desire, bittersweet happiness as you see a picture of us, a picture of you still on our page, a picture of us together, reference to something we used to do together and so on. Whatever it might be, this is kindling those emotions and in doing so it allows the Ever Presence to be reinforced and it is allowing emotional thinking to increase, which as you know, equates to risking making bad decisions because you are not using cool, hard logic.
  3. You are inherently weakening your No Contact regime by exposing yourself to this daily ritual. All it takes is for the emotional infection to increase to a level whereby you see a meme posted by us which reminds you of an occasion together and you see it as some kind of olive branch by us which makes you contact us direct. You may see a comment made about you which angers you and therefore you contact us to tell us what an arsehole we are. You may feel jealous about the things we are saying about our new primary source so you contact us to rail against us or plead with us to tell us what she has got that you have not. In all of these instances and more you are weakening your no contact.
  4. You are paralysing yourself. You are not allowing yourself to move forward and cross the emotional sea. In fact, whilst you may be sat in your logic vessel, avoiding the rising emotional sea so far, all you are doing is sailing around in circles and there will come a point where those emotional waves spill on to your logic vessel and you are swamped.
  5. You are denying yourself the helpful effects of other distractions. If you left our social media alone, you would concentrate on other things. It might be work, hobbies or a new relationship and those things will distract you from the impact of Ever Presence. Your ritualistic observance of our social media is more likely to prevent you doing those things or at least gaining the distracting benefit which they provide.
  6. We count on you stalking our social media and we are stalking yours. If we identify through your posts and comments that it is clear you are observing our social media then this signals to us that it will be easier to breach your no contact and this will lower the bar on the Hoover Execution Criteria.

It is understandable why you stalk our social media. Chief amongst those reasons is that you think that it will do no harm if you do this because it is not direct contact and we may not know you are doing it. However, for the reasons explained above, engaging in this behaviour is likely to lead to your no contact to being weakened and even breached.




79 thoughts on “5 Common No Contact Mistakes – No. 5 Social Media Stalking”

  1. I escaped my narc, He moved me out of the country and now I am back in the states again after 2 years of being isolated and living in hell…. He left me financially broke so I secretly used his credit card to buy plane tickets home. He has now been stalking me for the past 7 months, going between love bombing and threats of consequences for being a thief. It used to put fear in me but now I am so over it. While he has already secured new supply, didn’t take him long maybe a month after I left, he contacts me everyday. He stalks me. I actually have my own blog on other things and have changed the name several times and it’s been a huge setback for me starting my blogging over as I want to do this for a business. It seems so strange that he continually finds out my blog and makes comments and leaves hints as usual to make sure I know what he knows about me…. How long is this guy going to stalk and torture me? Will he ever just go away and leave me alone?? I recently doled out some pretty bad narcissistic injury and he’s pretty pissed off so I’m sure there will be silence for a week or so, but I am in the possession to sabotage his new supply so I’m hoping he stays away. What can I do?? He is very wealthy so I know even changing my phone number etc he has the means to fly over here and track me down whenever he wants…. He is furious that I have beaten him so many times now publicly…I fear he will try to punish me somehow cause he can’t stand to lose.he threatens me with authorities over stolen money even though he was my sole provider and I was escaping his abuse, which turned physical and I was also beaten up a couple of times which prompted me to leave because I knew he could end up killing me. He is very violent. I don’t want him to find my blog because he will screw up my advertising on purpose by millions of click and bye bye google for me… Sorry to ramble just not sure what to do? I just want this evil man to go away for good and stop checking in on me and watching me.

    Thanks for any insight!

    While I know you probably don’t care, I’m so happy to find your sight and read things from your point of view that is pretty big of you! I am surprised however you would be open to talk about your narcissistic traits. Most narcs would never admit or even know or realize they are narcissistic and i’m curious if narcs know they are narcs and what they are doing?

  2. Before we understand that the ex is a narcissist/sociopath, we usually google for advice, and end up with internet’s favourite:

    Get your ex back with the No Contact system.

    Which doesn’t include unfriending or blocking him, just being aloof/hard to get, for 30 – 60 days. Not looking at his social media.
    The No Contact advice doesn’t include the warnings of looking at his new girldfriend’s social media.

    The new supply is often picked among our friends, most importantly, our facebook friends, mutual female friends, so that he can torture us through lovebombing her, triangulating, relationship bulletins, invites to group events, etc. After a while we get tired of it all and stop looking at her page altogether, which makes her wonder where we went.

    1. Very valid point concerning an inaccurate use of no contact.

      Tf the ex is a healthy individual (as is the other person in the relationship) and the relationship ended because he or she chose, then it is over. They wish to move on. If there is a possibility of reconciliation then using no contact as a ‘treat ’em mean, to keep ’em keen’ approach is not going to work. The parties will talk in a constructive manner, free of manipulation.

      No Contact is the defence for dealing with people deemed as toxic. It is not a tool that should be applied for other relationships and those supposed relationship advisors that suggest this is done are giving poor advice.

      1. Indeed, thanks.
        “No Contact to get your ex back” is such bad advice, but the internet is very much flooded with thousands of pages about it, probably because it sounds so easy to say.

  3. How does it assist in gathering information about us? For example, making prank calls to the target and the target doesn’t react. Say the target just keeps saying, “hello” in a neutral tone until the caller hangs up or doesn’t answer at all. Or if the target continues to have a good time even though the Narc just stands nearby and stares. How does that aid in gathering information or controlling the situation?

    1. Well if you are not reacting then we are not gathering information about you, other than to know this particular manipulation is not proving effective.

  4. I understand that you’re suggesting we as empaths don’t stalk the narcissist, but why do narcissists stalk? I mean, what’s with the prank phone calls and the showing up where we are just to simply stare. How does that provide fuel in anyway? It just seems absurd and pretty pointless! Just a complete waste of energy, especially if the target is unaffected by it.

    And when the narcissist stalks covertly (covertly following their target and/or stalking by proxy, for example) it seems more like a cowardly act than one stemming from superiority. It just makes no sense.

    1. 1. It is hoovering.
      2. Your reaction provides Proximate Fuel or Thought Fuel.
      3. It assists in gathering information about you.
      4. It exerts control.

      It makes perfect sense.

      1. But how is that a form of control. If you have to follow someone around, it would appear that all control has been lost, huh?

      2. No. If you know you are being watched and you are reacting to it, that creates control.

  5. Have no social media thanks to the ex-prick. Deleted it from going crazy after his horrible mind games. One day i just said enough and I am deleting it!! Looking back I bet he hated that because he loved the negative attention he got. Me checking up on him, stalking him, crying because he’s always on there and not talking to me. ugh it’s sick and I was pathetic.

    Really interesting because I read that book. Guess who suggested it? Yep, the most intelligent person in the world. So then we could have an intellectual, fuel providing, conversation. He is/was such a fraud because this knowledge that he has about so many subjects, means nothing to him. He never grows from it, learns form it, changes into a more fulfilled life. His only reasoning for even being intelligent, sharing knowledge, is all in a way to acquire fuel from someone. That’s it. Complete fool.

    1. but back to the whole social media thing. The last time I looked, over a month ago, it actually gave me satisfaction. I found things out that should make me feel good, give me closure..but it still does not really help much. you still have that urge to keep checking. what a pointless thing to keep doing.

      but it does not matter what you find. If it is good, bad, sad, hurtful..it will always keep you going back for more. It was a difficult habit to break. Even when finding something that gave me satisfaction that he is a loser and his life sucks.

      So i vowed to never search for him and I have no desire anymore.

  6. By the way.
    Some social media are renegade. While you are indulging in stalking your narc, they are stalking U for him. He’ll see you’ve been there.
    I was burned by YouTube recently: was watching narc’s video from the supplement account, but it gathered the visitors country info – it was enough in my case.

    Not to mention some special programs to serve narcissist’s omnivision…

  7. HG, how do you know if the narc is stalking you or if you’re just being paranoid? I constantly worry about mine stalking me but have no reason to think that. I went no contact a year ago. When he was engaging with me, he’d comment that he saw me walking to work (he used to work nearby) and would always like my posts online; now in the aftermath of the discard (ghosting) I worry he sees me and it’s still a constant source of stress

    1. Apply logic and get your emotional thinking under control. Your emotional thinking is telling you he is stalking, but ask yourself this, where is the evidence? Have you seen him follow you? Has he driven past you? Has he waited outside where you work? Does he hover near your home? If no, the evidence confirms he is not stalking. Logic, not emotional responses.

  8. My Narc discarded me on Valentine’s Day via text. I unfriended him on FB and then he one upped me by blocking me. Next, he slowly, about one each week blocked or unfriended me on all other social media even though I was not engaging with him on them. He didn’t block text though. I could tell he was getting pleasure from slowly and torturously removing contact. He had a new primary within days & had been seeing her while giving me a silent treatment.
    I still have ways of seeing some of his posts though and I sure as hell look. I’ve earned a seat to watch it all go to hell in a hand basket. It’s not good for me, I know.

    It’s all so very unoriginal.

  9. I was blocked on fb during the idealization phase. He made up an excuse that the account was hacked and he had to deactivate it, but I figured out soon after that it was because he had a new target on his fb so he had to get me off of there. I (by accident) saw recently that after 5 months with no communication, he had unblocked me and then blocked me again. He doesnt know that I saw I had been unblocked. My question is what does he get out of secretly checking my profile?

      1. Thank you, I appreciate your insight. I didn’t know he could get fuel from indirect contact. I’m wondering if I should block him now or if that will give him more supply because he will know I was still thinking about him after all this time and so I should just let it be. I am actually surprised he checked in on me because every thing I have read seems to say that once an N is done with you, you are dead to them. Never to be thought of again. Especially because I am the one who walked away and refused to come back. Well, thank you again. I found this website a few days ago and it is both facinating and helpful.

  10. With the help of a friend who has no connection to the Narc whatsoever, I did a clean sweep of my social media to remove any mutual friends or possible ways to gain access that way. She did mention to me, it sounded almost as if warning me, that those he seemed to be giving attention to on social media look very similar to me, have a the exact same interests or beliefs and other similarities,and it made me cringe. I’m not even flattered, I’m actually unnerved by it.
    His previous supplies looked nothing like me and were completely different in every way. Why carbon copy now? Is this normal?

    1. I am assuming you are talking about yourself and others who were primary sources. You will all have had similarities with regard to the empathic, class and special traits. These can appear in people who look different. The fact there are similarities now may just be because those traits are appearing in people who just happen to look similar to you. I suspect it is coincidental. There are instances where our kind will always go for primary sources who are similar to one another but this is a consistent approach throughout all the interactions.

  11. Also another thing that puzzles me; he believes his false self is his real self! Is this normal? Did you ever think this yourself before you knew what you was? Or is it just another tool you use to gain sympathy?
    He says the good things he does come from his real self that he is trying to find again.
    And the bad things from the false self that he is trying to fight.
    Ofcourse i know better than to believe that now!
    But my question remains, does he REALLY believe it?

    Im not trying to help him anymore, just curious.

  12. Mr. Tudor, is there a difference between this WordPress Blog Site, Facebook, and Twitter, as far as your posts, and comments back and forth, go?

  13. I do have my face in my Gmail so I can read your new posts. Facebook gets more and more boring to me. I do get friend requests a couple of times a week with profiles that say nothing and have
    only a friend or two. Do narcs use a phony picture for their new FB accounts? I don’t know how they work that but I have been deleting all automatically if there are no friends I know. It’s all men. Thank you.

  14. When i checked his facebook last week, he was putting status about me. Saying stuff like “i miss you, the love of my life, you were the perfect love” … i know he was doing it only to hurt the other women he probably just dumped and to try and win me back since i escaped. There’s no real love from him, i know that. But since then i’ve been checking his facebook daily hoping to see something like this again. It make me feel good on the moment and now i feel like crap ans i hate myself. It is really an addiction!!

    But i was wondering, showing his “love” for me on facebook does n’a reduce the chance with the other girls he sees ?? I wouldn’t want to get to know a man that is in love with someone else. I just don’t get it.

      1. Yeah but why me? I escaped 8 months ago. He was dating other girls. It’s just for the thrill on win me?? Isn’t it better to keep the girls for fuel? By acting that way he loses them. I just don’t get it!! He even had the girl he cheated on me with to come and tell me on facebook to ask me to go back to him because i am the “love of his life”. Wtf. It is crazy how much he play with the head of people. The girl was in love with him… it must have been hard for her to do that. And that’s the same girl that warn me about him a couple of months ago because he was saying awful stuff about me. It is completly crazy non-sense.

      2. He may have other sources who do not see what he has posted or if they do, he is doing it to test how they respond to it for the purposes of determining whether those IPSSs are good material to become an IPPS. Testing his control of them and gaining fuel at the same time. He will also be spinning them something so if they react badly to what they see, he can keep them onside nevertheless. It is often very easy to keep sources in a position of triangulation because they want to be the one who gains our favour over all others and therefore they are more susceptible to accepting our lies, than trying to challenge them.

  15. I needed to read this article more than I ever imagined. wow.
    i need to STAHP.

    HG, you’re fucking brilliant.

    PS- I MISS YOU. xx

  16. I was there, checking for profile updates and new photos etc from my ex Narc until I finally decided that NC went both ways and blocked him on Facebook. That way he can’t contact me for hoover attempts via messenger and I cannot snoop to see what’s new in his life…divorce hearing this week and once that’s done email and phone will be blocked too…looking forward to it immensely!

  17. Been there and done that. I have no desire to ever revisit his social media profile which is designed to hurt me. I would rather stick pins in my eyes or put my hand in the fire than look at his Facebook. I know he uses it to hurt me, I haven’t looked at it for a good 6 months and would rather walk over coals (naked) than look at his profile.

    Yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck.

    1. I would rather….never mind. There’s no way I would ever want to go back and look at his misfit profile.

  18. Haha I changed my narc’s profile pic to a warped & distorted picture I took of him via a snap chat filter, almost immediately after I exposed him, he changed it back to a normal pic. Who knew my warped image of him was metaphorically the most accurate depiction of him!

    Hi HG! You’re teasing those that are dying to see what your kind’s dating profile would like. *respectful hint* 😋

  19. I totally quit Facebook due to all the Narcissists on there, and the drama. In fact, after everything that has happened, Facebook is now a trigger for me which causes me great anxiety 🤕🤒😬

    1. It is a bit narcissistic, isn’t it?

      It’s a necessary evil as a parent. School updates, sports updates. Nobody sends notes or texts anymore. Sigh.

      I like it for the pages I follow and news sites, love my friends but not that interested in what they had for dinner.

      I have nlocked narc and anybody he’s friends with. I just won’t go there at all.

      1. Yes, 🍉🍉🍉 Watermelon, there are some valid support groups on there, as well. Still, I cannot bear to be a part of FB, anymore.

    2. Its how I met my narc. Trolling. I have to say that I find every troll to be a bit narcissistic. So yeah, I just stay off there too. Real world living is so much better. Who wants to be on the death bed with a quarter of their life devoted to talking crap on fb?

  20. HG,
    This series just got better and better. My therapist wanted to know what 4 and 5 were going to be.
    She asked me again why I want to look at her page and you have all of my reasons better than I could express.
    I really don’t know why I still care but I do and like any addict I don’t want to.
    I do want her to miss me.
    I hate that I’m still miserable and she isn’t.
    You know exactly what we struggle with. No one else does.

    These articles really need to be put in the therapists and counselors hands. Mine was taking notes and she usually does when I tell her about what you write about.
    I don’t know how I would get through the weeks without your advice and knowledge.

  21. When you finally get it it simply doesn’t matter. I truly hope for all of those here that have experienced the gambit of this emotional roller coaster, can an will soon just accept the reality. We were conned by an agenda that is not and never will be fulfilling with a true loving and respectful sense, fostering any sense of healthy growth. We tried! That does not equate to failure. Because of our experiences, I personally believe this will enrich our lives and attract those whom of which will seek a deeper emotional connection. I never knew what my heart was made of until I was completely faced with such excruciating pain. In all reality, was nothing more than a lie. Who the fuck in their right mind wants that?

  22. HG Tudor, Do you have one of those word a day calendars? Was today’s word Scupper? I liked that.

    I like the bit about the emotional sea as usual but especially enjoyed the logic vessel. I thought the Candid Canoe, the Rightful Raft, the Dumb Dinghy, the Perilous Paddleboat, the Pontificating Pontoon and the Sexual Speedboat are all out there floating around in it. I am from the Great Lakes State so I am sure you aimed this directly at me as your subconscious knows I am embedded in you and thankfully I checked your blog for the 10th time today whilst in line at Panera to see that yes you still want me. Phew!

  23. Who needs crappy social media these days anyway? Isn’t life busy enough?

    I’ve revisited social media profiles I didn’t need to. To some extent, it was for information gathering during divorce, but that was probably just an excuse. The way I’ve got myself into social media narc remission is to make it really difficult for myself to seek him out. ‘Unfollow’ your narc, their friends or family on FB, Twitter, Instagram etc. Better still, unfriend them altogether. Better yet – block them!

    Delete FB, FB Messenger and any other social media apps from your phone, so you can only view them on your PC. Remove any short-cuts you may have on your PC, and automatic password completions.

    Even better, come off social media all together – permanently. What a colossal waste of your precious life.

    Decide that you want to stop peeking, and put barriers your the way that make peeking difficult. Replace it with something else. Read up about current affairs. Research where you want your next holiday to be. Anything. Just go cold turkey. It really, really works.

    1. SO agree! I am working my mind to DELETING FB entirely. I am sad about one thing that I would delete. 2 things. Comments on my artwork and the last comments that were of anything nice from my brother who recently died, handiwork of the Narc mom who abandoned him.

      I only have IG working now. And only cause I used it to text the Narc as I can unsend the messages. But yeah..

      WHY? Why are we all doing this to ourselves?!

      1. Sorry to hear about your brother. Maybe you should keep FB, but block your narc and their friends and family?

        Bin IG. Isn’t it just narcissism anyway? “Oooooh, look at this picture of me / a cool, arty picture I’ve taken / somewhere cool I’m visiting”

      2. I have nothing on IG. Just using it to DM… but even seeing the pictures on the home feed. ugh

      3. Well Sarabella there goes my dignity …!!! I’d been shelved and tucked away and he took me down, dusted me off by sneaking in an email to me. I broke a months worth of NC with a flurry of enraged replies …🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️ So stupid I just wasted an hour or more of my life on someone who could give shit if I lived or died I’ve actually witnessed that he could care less about that …square fing one all over again ..
        My last comment of ..I hope it falls off !!!… ?? Ugh!! 🙄 Good one brilliant Shan wtg and guess what made me so angry ??? I had creeped his Facebook why why why ???! He probably set me up knowing I would see the new IP’s comment plus I was getting fake friend requests why didn’t I clue in …Banging head on wall !!!
        “Doing it to ourselves…” is right 🙁 I hate this

      4. What I mean, too, Shantily is that we are all doing this. Empaths caught in the social media sleuthing and narcs using it to manipulate. So it’s not a symptom of a personal weakness or failure. Step back and look at it from that perspective. Also, if you learn one thing from HG’s blogs is that his manipulations work because they work on patterned human behavior. They work because humans do follow very similar needs/wants and responses. We all deal with pride, isolation, abandonment, love, jealousy, competition in remarkably similar ways. The disorders come when the responses are more extreme, the psychosis from the abuse and all.

        The narc, especially the psychopathic malignant narc, has recognized all these patterns. So you creep. I still do. Accidentally even clicked ‘like’ to a photo. And I could look at it as a failure, but I have been really learning to see that this is just human nature. It’s nothing to be ashamed about. If a narc gets you are creeping and all, trust that he is using social media himself in very patterned and manipulative ways. He depends on your pattern and your reactions to his patterned behaviors. its working both ways.

  24. My social media is locked down. From time to time, I check mine, and I take a look at his.

    To me, it is an indicator of where I am in the recovery process, much like the few physical reminders I kept. It does not hurt anymore. He sends me messages occasionally, I read them, I ignore them. I am in control now. And while sophisticated him is sitting through a performance art show where you are screamed at for two hours, I log out, make myself a good cup of tea, wrap myself in a blanket, and spend a delightfully quiet evening with a good book. 🙂

  25. Ok, this is all very true. However, I take HUGE issue with using the word STALKING and PEEKING. Because the entire platform IS designed for people to do just what everyone is doing.

    So when you are actively searching out your friends for positive engagement, that’s ok. When you actively search out your exes, it is stalking. When you know what people are doing halfway around the world, can actively follow the ebb and flow of someone’s life, breakups, where they are at any one moment at a social event, where people actually WANT others to have this information, then it’s BS to then pull out the Stalking card when that level of observation continues because it is an addiction, it is all very readily available information. If people want to be private, be private. But don’t be hypocritical.

    And yes, the entire thing is addictive and the negative reinforcements you described are real and damaging.

    I have had FB deactivated for 2 months and do not miss it at all. I hate what it did to me not just as it allowed the P to find me, but what it did to my life overall. I LIKE looking at the dew on leaves! I don’t like knowing this much about people. I don’t like the roller coaster of emotions I go through reading feeds… someone is depressed, someone loney, someone happy, someone on a great vacation, someone angry at politics, and on and on….

    But it’s really unfair to paint people who have been abused by your kind as stalkers when not only is social media set up that way (to train us all to peek, watch, monitor each other, even for good), but it is designed for bad as well. It can’t be something that is great and dandy when all goes well, and then you are a bad, horrible stalker when things go bad and you can’t let go.

    But a psychopath doesn’t get to call a victim a Stalker when you DELIBERATELY set up these emotional reactions in your victims, deliberately created false illusions. I had NO idea that people were using social media to manipulate so much so that is not MY fault TOO for not knowing. You turn us into addicts with your games, you don’t get to then accuse us of being nasty peeping toms when we are trying to get our sadly misguided fix. No.

    It does mean the job of escaping is all the harder for us especially if we want to stay a participant in this great internet experiment and stay socially connected to others. This is a time like non other and everyone is learning.

    It DOES make breaking the connections harder and creates so many more emotions that one never used to feel in the old days prior to internet. For all the reasons you quite correctly identified but that does not mean we are weak or BAD. I am fully guilty of that but I will never say it made me a stalker.

    I won’t add that title to the list of nasty names he called me, too: psycho, crazy, bipolar, insane, delusional, bitch, stalker, fatal attraction, obsessed, ugly, hateful human being. Funny, never has anyone ever used so many words to describe me that way as he did. NEVER. So this says everything about him and nothing about me. I was and AM a victim of a malignant Narc AND a very disturbing social technological phenomenon, masquerading as social and human connections that I had NO idea could affect my life this way.

    And he never stalked mine, guaranteed, he blocked me so there is no reversed tracking of me when I had FB active as it were.

    I am really going to get rid of it all. It’s evil. Pure evil for what is it doing to people’s heads and hearts and while it works well for the cold hearts of you Cluster B’s, for us other folks? It’s not a good thing I don’t think, especially when you have targeted one of us.

    1. Absolutely agree with you, Sarabella! Nothing posted on the internet is private, and the only reason FB allows us to see posts of so many others not even on our friends list is for this very reason. Looking at someone’s profile or FB updates, whether it is a friend, a stranger or an Ex, is hardly strange. Looking at an Ex’s profile may be unhealthy and not helpful in moving forward and letting go, but calling it “stalking” is a big stretch.

      Seeking an explanation and closure from the one who has broken your heart is hardly abnormal. One minute they are your lover, best friend and closest confidante, and next minute they stop interacting with you. We are all human, needing each other, it’s a basic need to love. Babies come out of the womb needing their mother’s love, and this need doesn’t diminish as we age. We seek it from others but we all still need love. namaste

  26. Excellent advice. I actually had to make sure I did not do this from the beginning as it is so tempting. I am fortunate enough to work with a group of behavioral psychologists that have kept me honest. I have the temptation to peek, sure, and I know that if I do peek, I may open up a whole new can of emotional suffering (from potential new loves, the façade of a happy relationship put online, etc). It’s similar to not looking into your partners secret diary. You might find paper dolls 😉 (Teasing HG)

  27. I am very ashamed to admit it but I do that. I check on his FB profile to see if he changed his relationship status from being single , messanger when he is online.. Giving so much time and energy to something which should not matter anymore… And we are not even friends on FB .. he posted something a month ego on his timeline and he made it public for a very first time ever and it made my head spin, I am overanalysing as why he would do that and it makes me keep looking to see if there would be something else.. It’s childish and embarrassing but I can’t help it. I hate myself for that.

      1. That’s kind of you to say that Mr Tudor. My lack of strong will and self discipline infuriates me cos if proves I am a week person a narcissist view me as. I will work harder on this tho.💪

      2. You chose to make a factual statement at a moment when someone would be blessed by it and comforted. Still smells of empathy to me!

      3. As an empathic person you will naturally look for it. Believe me, there is only cognitive empathy which is used to my advantage.

    1. ABW, I’ve repeatedly done the same thing and then I’m disgusted with myself. I tell myself I just want one more look and then I’ll stop. It satisfies me for about an hour. Don’t hate yourself for it. I think it’s a normal response to what has happened but it does keep us emotionally sick to keep looking.

    2. Hello ABW,
      You are definitely not the only one.
      It has taken me 8 1/2 months not to inquire about what’s on my exes FB.
      I don’t even use social media but she was friends with my daughter and I would have her look and she would report or send me screenshots. I gradually cut down and I have to say I feel better about not looking.
      If I had been a regular FB user that would have been extremely hard for me to quit.

      Unfortunately she set up my Pinterest account and I can still see what she posts on her boards. I know it has to go and HG talks about the emotional meme that they post and she does exactly that. I know which ones are put there to hook me back in and to get me to contact her. I’m asked about this weekly in therapy.
      Don’t feel bad. It’s just another thing to work on.

    1. If you do it when you escape it is infuriating. If you do when you have been discarded it makes no difference to us until we look to hoover you and then it raises the hoover bar.

      1. And what if I am not on social media? Never was. Nothing on the internet can be found about me. Then what does your kind do?

      2. More junior members of the brethren will find themselves disadvantaged by the removal of such a rewarding conduit. More senior members would utilise more traditional methods of trade craft.

  28. Actually I did at first but just laughed bc it was obvious what he was doing. LOL.
    “Look, here is my NS, my kids you miss and some pictures you took in which I am tagging the NS and adding a wink-smiley”

    After 3 weeks it was all about him again. And he seemed bored bc I got my first hoover “such a sad person” he wrote and then a lame attempt to brag about the NS.

    I know what he’s doing. I just replied with a simpel smiley. Haven’t heard from him since.

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