Tenacious

 

tenacious

You do not give up easily do you? We are pleased that this is the case. You try to resurrect what we once had. You will look to resuscitate our relationship. You want to breathe new life into you and me. You want to salvage what you can from the wreckage and build something anew. You will not let the life slip from what we have, you will not step out of the tangled and twisted remains and walk away. No, you try. You try to make it work, you try to see what can be done, you try to sort things out. You try to make everything right again, you try to make us happy, you try to please us, how you try to please us. You try to fix us, you try to banish these demons which plague us, you try to shed light and joy. You try when everything seems lost, you try when all seems pointless and you try despite everything else suggesting that what we are is a lost cause. You try because you believe in hope.

But what is this hope that has you trying on a superhuman scale, which has you wiping away the tears, picking yourself up, dusting yourself down and standing up once more to try to do the right thing? If you were not with our kind but someone normal and the relationship was foundering would you try as you do with us? Of course you would try and steer the good ship towards calmer waters but you would not try to the same extent as you do with us. Where two people find they no longer have anything in common, they may be content to leave matters as they are and drift along in neutrality. It is not heady and wonderful but neither is it awful. Is beige such a terrible place to be? There is security, the children have grown up and you have your separate interests. There is no hatred, far from it, but neither is there passion any longer, but something in the middle. This is deemed as acceptable and you are happy to trundle along in this manner. You do not try to rekindle those early days of your honeymoon period. In other instances, this mediocrity is found to be stifling. If you hear another gardening anecdote or incident at the bowling club, you will go spare. You want to travel and experience new things. Your other half is more interested in the home brew and the latest episode on television. There is no hatred, there is no passion but this time the middle is deemed suffocating and unacceptable. You do not try to rekindle what you once had but instead decide you want something else. You move on to something else, be it a single life with new pursuits or finding a new person who shares your interests. The separation is amicable, fair-minded and there is no turbulence. The relationship ran its course and you saw no reason to try to make it anything different.

Yet with us it is so different isn’t it? You try your absolute best to get things back on track, you try until you are shattered and exhausted, bewildered and confused. How can you not achieve what we once had again? Why is it so elusive? Yet you do not give up. You keep on trying. Again and again.

Such is the intoxicating power of the golden period, such is the addiction of this utterly falsified state of affairs, such is the massive attraction of that seemingly perfect love, you try your damnedest to resurrect it. Sometimes there is a glimmer of a return or even a brief sortie to that promised land once again and you know that your repeated trying has succeeded. It never lasts. It never stays. Still, you exhibit that indefatigable spirit as you try once more, looking to rekindle that special love we once had.

You even begin to sacrifice pieces of yourself in order to try to bring it back. You try to guess what we want all the time. You walk on those eggshells in order to avoid disrupting the fragile peace. You agree to do things you would never have countenanced once upon a time but hey, it is worth trying isn’t it? You decide to spend more time with us, sacrificing your relationships with your friends and with your family, but you have to try don’t you? You cannot be said to have not tried to make this work and if you had it once then surely you can get it again can’t you? You submit to more and more of our demands, demeaning yourself, degrading yourself and suffering our repeated denigrations but you convince yourself that this is all worth doing because you are trying to achieve a greater aim. You have hope that you will succeed and bring back that elusive golden period. You forgo invitations to events because you know it will displease us. You do not invite people to the house to avoid causing a disruption to the evening, since we want peace and quiet. You try not to say anything when we return late from who knows where. You try to remain silent when we spend hours staring into the screen on our laptops, tapping away, our minds somewhere else. You retreat, back-off and compromise, giving away more and more of yourself and your life as you try to succeed.

Thus here is the awful warped nature of being ensnared by us. In a normal relationship you may not try to the same extent because the excitement and passion was not as it was with us. Yet, this relationship is one where trying will bring about success. Yes, you won’t establish that paradise that exists when we seduce you, but it never actually existed to begin with. It is a fiction. However, trying to succeed with someone normal and healthy is entirely achievable. You will not, by contrast, ever succeed with us. You can try over and over and over again but for all this effort and endeavour you will not get what you want. What we once granted you will only ever be given again in small doses and then only as part of this continuing manipulation so that you remain in our grip so we can gather fuel until we throw you aside. No matter how determined you are, no matter how great your resolve, no matter the fact that you put every breath, every ounce of effort in to trying to make things work between you and us so everything is golden, it will never ever work. It cannot because you cannot control the golden period. Only we can and we choose who is granted it and when in accordance with our need for control and fuel.

Try to understand that.

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65 thoughts on “Tenacious”

  1. I guess, I consider myself lucky. As I was working to escape the emotional part within a relatively short time all things considered. I started testing him to see what he was made of… not much. I think if I had really grasped how awful you people are, I would have believed the truth of what I was being told and escaped when I could have caused him the most damage.

    But, I needed to know. He always thought I was fighting ‘for him’. But he was misguided. I was fighting for me in it. Every ‘tolerance’ I accepted for him was not done so blindly. I was in fact, actively paying attention to why I was doing things, why he was, what was so wrong. What did I need to do to heal ME through him?

    If I was fighting for him, there were a whole lot better ways to lure him back to the golden period. Like, gee, be nice to him? I really believe, that for some of us empaths, the fights that lead to supernova are because YOU are not operating properly as OUR appliances! lol I think those of us with some narc traits start to see you are failing US. Hence how some of us might escalate into that Super Nova mode? He wasn’t just provoking me, I was also tweaking him, provoking him, pushing his buttons as I fought to keep my head above it all. I can only imagine how it might have gone had I not had this streak in me… What do you think HG?

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  2. I just want your approval, over and over and over again.

    Heard Collide by Tiesto and The Chainsmokers today. I thought of you entering like a world championship boxer after the first drop on the song….I think I would make that part your Ringtone for right now if I knew you. Dubstep is still cool beans.

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      1. You deny? I must be misinterpreting your words.
        I am not going to deny that I would love to have a relationship with HG. It might be as simple as teacher/student. Why else would I be here?
        Do not take offense.

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      2. I wish that HG, and I, could be FOREVER Email and/or Phone Friends. I would do my utmost best not to smother, or bore, him. We need never visually see each other, as he chooses, but just Email and/or Phone friends. BFF! I am SO emotional, HG! And, I am rarely ever boring! I always have brand new, creative, and imaginative, ideas. I could be a great benefit to you! BFF? Ya?

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      3. It’s okay, in real life, I already have a BFF. He is not inside my computer, but he is real. He has been my BFF for many years. He is always there for me, rain or shine, and I, for him. He is not a Narcissist. He is a blessing to me. But, I still appreciate HG’s writings. And, I enjoy stopping by this blog, now and then….but, less and less so as I heal and get stronger from past Narcissists. Of course, Mr. T has been a wondrous aid in helping to make my healing a reality. And, I have definitely appreciated the other bloggers on here, too. I have a place in my heart for Mr. Tudor due to his help, his patience, and his continuous presence in my life when I felt so utterly lonely and rocked off my foundation. It’s difficult to let go of someone, like HG, who has been a constant in my life when so many others have turned on me due to Smear Campaigns. How can I not be grateful? How can I release my grip from his hand? But, I know I must if I am to continue healing. I must stop making myself believe that I NEED (not WANT) HG because the hard truth is that he does not need me in any way, nor care about me. Still, I thank him from my heart. Many seem to want him, but not me. I, in fact, NEEDED him. So, I must release my ‘grip of need’ because he is not a willing recipient. He ‘nothings’ me, as he should. 🍗🍞🍳 – I made you some food, HG. And, here are gifts for you, too… 🎁🎁🎁

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    1. Although I am new to this blog your comments would lead any professional in the “borderline” direction. If I recall correctly you believe you are a cured narcissistic sociopath? You cannot cure a narcissist a sociopath, or psychopath. You cannot inject empathy into a person. I suggest reading the literature on this topic. To be fair, you appear to have plenty of narcissistic characteristics (observed so far).

      Sincerely,
      Dr. Harleen Quinzel Psy.D.

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      1. Oh and Bloody Element I’m sure you are reading. Feel free to weigh in new friend. I did say hello to the joker for you. They call me the psychopath hunter lol. I laugh but I’m not kidding. I could use a female perspective – I appreciate you.

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      2. Harley Quinn,
        Your pyschoanalyzing from Belle Reve Penitentiary? How fitting for the pot to call the kettle Black…Oh wait, at least we have belle, black and narcissistic behavior in common…..btw, the only borderline I have is a 45 from Madonna back in the 80s. Thanks for your incorrect diagnosis.
        Sincerly,
        Yo Momma

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      3. The good Dr. here wont get it ABB. I bet he has never even been in psychoanalysis. Most never go through it. It should be a requirement of all of them in order to obtaim their lofty PhDs.

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    2. My incorrect diagnosis? I haven’t diagnosed you with anything – I am not irresponsible. I would need to do a thorough evaluation. I have simply pointed out your comments on the blog are far more borderline; however you have narcissistic characteristics. What I can say is certainly appear to have very distorted unstable self-image, appear a bit impulsive from your public posts of wanting HG in a sexual way when you have a husband. Your posts appear as though you have changeable moods that change quite frequently and there is underlying anger that you clearly have difficulty keeping in check. It is okay, I won’t take what you said personally – I wouldn’t expect you to have a great deal of insight. I only specialize in personality disorders and have a doctorate but what do I know? I highly suggest you educate yourself on the literature regarding narcissism, sociopathy, and psychopathy – even borderline. I’m talking about the research of course not a self-help book. Excuse me – I was writing to you on my lunch break – I have clients to assist and neuropsychological evaluations to conduct. In the future do not speak beyond your expertise…it makes you look stupid.

      Dr. Harleen Quinzel

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      1. Wow.. Hello Dr.

        I completely agree.

        ABB

        Once I commented to you that it instilled hope to read a comment of yours regarding your wondrful husband.
        You give each other gifts and show love to one another daily.
        It was a lovely thing to read and believe. After heartache and whatever else to be able to still know that there is hope and love…blah blah blah..
        Blah blah blah…
        Then…here she comes…
        You.

        Now then.
        What gives eh?
        You are disloyal to this wonderful husband of yours by making it absolutely clear that you want sex with HG. You constantly make comments e.g the one regarding his and your adult bodies and inner child being so good together and then adding your own meme even.
        Always something you have to say isnt there to imply getting it on with him.
        Constant innuendos about wanting HG sexually and hiding behind supposed humour.
        Posting comments to others as though you know what you are talking about… when you do not.

        This isnt your blog is it.

        Remarks that then lead back to voicing what you think HG thinks of you…saying anything to get his attention…implying how sexy you are with your accidentally on purpose discussions and jumped up never to come down ideas on switching in and out of being empathic and narcissistic…oh you have got it all together have you sister? All clued up and happily married..?
        You’re poor husband.
        You betray him here.
        It disgusts me.

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      2. Debbie you are clearly an intelligent woman.

        Sarabella…please educate yourself. Education is power.

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      3. Dr Whatever,

        don’t look but your NARCISSISM is showing!!!! You don’t know a thing about me at all so why don’t you just shut your little academic trap? You look like a fool right now to everyone. Truly.

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    3. I will give you some free advice (because after all people do pay for my time every single day). It is probably in your best interest to not post about wanting other men on a public forum. It could be perceived as a bit careless and reckless – your husband may catch you.

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      1. I have always only interpreted ABBs flirting with HG and ‘wanting’ him as pure tongue in cheek. Its a cathartic banter of the dynamics of a true narc/empath relationship. Self mockery to understand on a been there done that level. A form of theater and creative imagination as a way to address the pain of this all. Not genuine. if I stepped on toes, sorry ABB, but this is such an immature analysis on the part of the PhD. dude, imo. Less books, more real life.

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    4. Sarabella
      Are you a mental health professional or in academia? Your assumption is incorrect. I would like to inform you that I have had therapy before. I would also like to add that psychoanalysis has it’s place but that Is not what most psychologists are using these days. Is it safe to assume you are a fan of psychoanalysis? I am eclectic because I use different schools of psychology and strategies based on the referral problem, intellectual ability, and personality of the client I am working with. I lean towards a humanistic approach. I am a full believer every shrink needs a shrink. I also would like to say that every psychologist, psychiatrist, and social worker should have the experience.

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      1. Oh and Sarabella…
        It is because of my lofty credentials and excellent analysis of the mind that people seek me out and pay for my advice as well as my input into research and publications.

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      2. Sarabella
        Let me also mention that I recently did research on the concept of the wounded healer and therapist self-disclosure…it is currently in press. I’ll send you a copy. My Other publications and projects would probably bore you because they are on the neuropsychological interpretation of various intelligence tests.

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      3. Harley,

        I am not your friend. Let us get that out of the way, firstly.

        I am surprised at your diagnosis, honestly. Quite surprised and amused indeed.

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    5. Bloody Element…

      You are so silly. I don’t want you to be my friend. I simply want to add you to my collection. I did not say that is my diagnosis. Anna Belle’s attention seeking behavior and the way in which she details some of her personal history is histrionic; HOWEVER there are more BORDERLINE-like characteristics I am picking up on. I repeat none of this is a diagnosis. I would need to do an in-depth evaluation and take a good clinical history etc.

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      1. “your collection” ? you are a fake. a fraud. someone who smells like they have a rotting personality disorder and who actually has a thing against HG. You are going after the people who post here rather than HG. Afraid to take him on? Afraid of what he knows? You smell very jealous of his space here. Good luck. I feel dreadfully sorry for your ‘patients’.

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      2. Harley,

        If you knew anything about my kind, Harley, you would know that we cannot be collected and a statement as such would not even have crossed your mind.

        A Psy. D. can be clinical, but it can also be held in numerous other disciplines including but not limited to professional doctorates in Business Psychology, Organizational Development, Forensic Psychology, Counseling Psychology, and School Psychology, etc.

        You do not speak (write) like an academic or a mental health professional.

        I completely disagree with what you are saying.

        Good luck with the humanistic approach. Primarily, this type of therapy encourages a self-awareness and mindfulness that helps the client change their state of mind and behaviour from one set of reactions to a healthier one with more productive self-awareness and thoughtful actions. Am I getting warmer?

        Essentially, this approach allows the merging of mindfulness and behavioural therapy, with positive social support.

        That type of therapy would not work on someone with APD or NPD since we see no need to change our behavior/state of mind et al.

        I have fooled, manipulated and run circles around the best in the medical profession.

        It is cute that you think the odds are in your favour. Again, proof you know nothing about our kind whatsoever. You purportedly study our kind for a living…..

        I got one up on you there – I am my kind for a living.

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    6. Bloody Element,

      I’m so glad you have decided to finally respond to me. I figured you would want to play. I must warn you that the odds are HIGHLY in my favor.

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      1. DR
        Highly in your favor? How will you measure that? Do you mean your education trumps anything that could be offered? I have so many questions due to these exchanges Im witnessing.

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      2. NarcAngel,

        She first appeared on the blog as Amazing Amy Dunne (from Gone Girl) and then she subsequently changed her name to Dr. Harleen Quinzel.

        She got all syrupy with me before saying we were going to be great friends, etc. The only “collection” she has is a bunch of big words she does not appear to know the meaning of.

        She is quoting text books and research, which is easy enough to do.

        Fact is, therapists/academics/clinicians what have you do not often gain access to our kind since it is unheard of for someone with APD to seek out counseling, ever, from a genuine motive to make personal growth.

        If we end up in therapy it is either because we have been mandated to attend therapy, or because we view counseling, somehow, as enabling our ulterior, manipulative agenda.

        Never does the person with APD awaken one day and say to himself, “I’ve got some personal issues I need to examine seriously, for which pursuing psychotherapy is probably imperative—otherwise my life and relationships are going down the drain.”

        I repeat, those with APD will never, ever, seek counseling for purposes of genuinely confronting our so-called damaged, and damaging, personalities. This is so reliable a principle that its converse equally applies—however antisocial his history may be or seem, the client who seeks counseling with a genuine motive to deal with a issue(s) disqualifies himself, perforce, as someone with APD.

        I only repeat because it seems it needs repeating. As sickening and ridiculous as it is.

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      3. B.E
        Thanks for clarifying the “DR” had been here before. She said some odd things that made me wonder about both her and her unsolicited diagnosis, including, but not limited to: “adding to her collection” as though we were animals in a fkg zoo (haha good times). It also seemed strange that a DR would be concerned about a persons fidelity or sexual interests unless they were being treated for exactly that. Not in keeping with being as professional as she kept overly emphasising she was. In any case it appears she only drew one fan so has retreated back to the Asylum.

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    7. Sarabella

      Are we really going to do this again? This conversation is beginning to bore me because you make the same ignorant statements over and over again. I didn’t diagnose her with anything. I stated observations. I have a PsyD. – that is more clinical so lets clear that up. You are speaking beyond you expertise and understanding of personality disorders and the training of psychologists. Furthermore, I suggest you pay more attention when you are reading. I highly suggest not jumping to conclusions and throwing out faulty assumptions.

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      1. Rotfl you crack me up now. See, been there done this with your type. Small minded, arrogant, critical, condescending, verbally abusive, dismissive, trying to be top dog, here to save everyone with your brilliaance and grand expertise. You do know about the high rate of NPD in Academia and in your profession, right? I smell a personality disordered doc who is clueless. you are doing nothing but baiting people here for YOU OWN FUEL. Trying to get a rise out of people with your overt and covert insults and backhanded comments. Give it a rest. Notice the only thing you have to say are to the commenters but not a THING to HG? I dare you to go after him. Dare you.

        Moving on now…. I know a sick predator when I see one

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      1. Dr Quinzel

        Hello once again.
        Thank you very much for your kind personal comment.

        It was a pleasure to read your opinions and comments in general.
        Thank you for contributing them.
        As you saw I agree with you and find your writing most succinct.

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      1. Right!? The poor pit bull has gotten a bad name from the media and humans. I know several people with Pits and they are sweet and gentle.

        If you do research on dogs that were looked at in this way over the years, you will see with every few decades it is another breed. I remember when it was german shepherds, then rottweilers and dobermans. Akitas are very aggressive too.
        It is most unfortunate for the dog.

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      2. Yes, Ah Oh…I had a Pit Bull, too. He was a big baby, a sweetheart. Oh, true… German Shepherds and Rottweilers have a name for them, too. I did not know this, though, about Akitas. I have surprisingly heard it about Poodles!

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    1. hahah! narc just called me that this weekend. said also, “I am a pit bull, too and you won’t bully me. hahaha, mr abuser schooling me on bullying

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  3. Know the main reason why I tried and tried? I am a Christian. I do not believe in divorce. 20 years…he became unfaithful during year 18. Probably before then but I only found out in year 18. I worked very hard at repairing our marriage. Me—the faithful one. He half-heartedly worked at it…or so he claimed. After I discovered he was again cheating, he denied it—even with the evidence I found and the smell of her xxxxx on his beard and mustache. Complete denial.

    I was finished. With the support of Christian friends and pastor, who provided me with Scripture that assured me that divorce was permitted, I left.

    He now sits at our marital home, paying a 22 year old hooker to be his friend. He cannot find any woman his own age to be his friend—the whole scenario escapes him that he has to pay for friendship.

    I leave him and his lonely, pathetic existence to God.

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    1. Yeah, thats the sad thing. The narc and I weren’t that close ever, but I can see what he did with life. 54 year old man entirely alonr except for prostitutes and girls looking for a sugar daddy. Nice life. To quote what someone said of him at the end, are you going to ask yourself what was it all for?

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      1. Exactly Sarabella. Mine seems to be unable to even grasp the fact that he HAS to pay this girl (woman—but her maturity is that of a teenager). She would not be with him if he did not pay her a dime—she does not see him as a friend, she is babysitting him in a weird kind of way. If I had to PAY somebody to spend time with me, be my companion, etc; I’d rather be alone. But, from what I see, narcs cannot handle being alone—that would involve spending time in their own thoughts. How scary that must be.

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      2. spending time with their own thoughts or feeling how out of control life really is….I never know which it is. Their thoughts or feeling the reality of their helplessness?

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    2. sarabella,
      My narc cannot stand loneliness. It makes him think, which is scary for him. He hates being in his own thoughts, he hates being alone. I am not really sure if he has a helpless feeling although he has always depended on women (myself included) to “handle” things—be his secretary, his maid, etc. So, yes, I think helpless too….I am glad you mentioned that because I had not thought about that one.

      I think alone time gives him time to think about death and I think he fears death. Mine is a lesser narc. He denies anything is wrong with him although a few times, things have slipped—which makes me wonder if he is aware of more than he lets on.

      Mine definitely does not view his life as being out of control. I can see it, friends can see it, family can see it. If it is possible, I really think mine will crash and burn. I don’t want that to happen but many of us think it will. I have no clue what will happen there.

      HG—do you know if narcs ever crash and burn? If so, what happens to them?

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      1. Do you mean as in their lives spiral out of control? Yes it can happen in terms of losing appliances, job loss, no money, self-neglect etc.

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      2. Hi HG,

        Thank you for you reply. When I mean crash and burn, I mean more like—are narcs ever so out of control that they are admitted to psych hospitals? My narc’s girlfriend ( 22 year old prostitute) is facing prostitution charges. They recently got her trial delayed and he is going to perjure himself and testify that she is his employee—that she is his “housekeeper” and try to show that she is no longer prostituting and has found a stable job. He was one of her regular tricks and even though she lives with him, he still pays her. His whole life appears to be caving in on him and everybody else seems to notice—except him.

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      3. There may be instances where that could happen. There may be a fuel crisis which leads to a suicide attempt, they may suffer psychotic episodes which could result in ‘sectioning’ to a psychiatric ward, they may become severely depressed so that there are additional complications which could lead to a hospital admission.

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      4. 🙁 my brother…. life crashing all around him and he was in total denial to get help. My narc also “Nothing is wrong with me! I am fine!! Dont try to heal me!!”

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      5. sarabella,
        My narc as well—not a thing wrong with him. I can tell his new supply is not around…he has emailed me three times since yesterday. But, nothing is wrong with him—I am the one who has “issues”. lol

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      6. SweetFreedom, I guess the truth was in the swiftness of his denial and rage. I asked how many people he has gone through in the past 3 years, and that lately, I spend my nights in a very healing way, healing myself and wanting to heal him. “I don’t need healing! I am fine! nothing wrong with me! You are crazy” Yeah, need I say more…. sad.

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  4. This is not exactly that after many years of marriage of normals most relationships go stale, and there’s no passion. I heard another greater narcissist describe it that way on YouTube. She said, yes it’s a she, that people become complacent, men stay with their wives and become complacent. You say it’s beige or grey. And it’s not.
    It is a way to spot a narcissist online when that is being said about our kind of relationships, between empaths or normal people.
    Because you see that’s what you will never be able to experience or understand.
    Especially in case of two empaths, the longer they are together, the deeper the passion becomes. The more memories they share together, the more years pass by, the stronger the bond between them. The initial passion transforms into deeper and different emotion. They co-create their world together, they build their happiness on a foundation that is stronger and more beautiful as they grow old together.

    This is why we leave you eventually, because you are not capable of growing, since you are empty, there is nothing to grow, there’s no fruit.

    Another important factor that will always put an end to a relationship with you is seeing you not able to grieve after a loved one. This is the last stage of a long fruitful life with another person, a deep grief we want the other person to feel when we die.
    You’re not capable of it.
    I’ve watched my sister recently behave after our parent died. I do not want to see her face again. And this is the final nail in the coffin in any relationship I’ve ever had with a narcissist. I don’t even feel tempted to see how he’s doing anymore. Because I know after I died, he would be back on social media posting stupid crap as if nothing happened.

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  5. Some say that doing the same thing over, and over, again, which ends in the exact same result each time is an explanation of insanity; I call it Having Hope 💫💫💫. Of course, there comes a time, I suppose, when enough is enough ☔️☔️☔️

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  6. We eventually learn and fight back… after you think you’ve got us all figured out… expect us to keep quiet, after you commit a crime against us… because we’re niave and stupid, right? After all your laughing at us for destroying our lives in your wake… we’ll forgive you right? Because we’re blind and stupid…

    Well, when we’re pushed far enough… we do fight back for OUR SOULS. OUR RIGHTS. So, make sure you’re ready to handle the fight… intimidation only goes so far, until the “prey” goes on the defense.

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  7. Note to self:
    Always greet with a kiss when he returns home and make sure to smell beard and moustache lol.

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