The Narcissistic Truths – No.4 (Expanded)

silenttreatmentsare-my-wayof-killingyou

The silent treatment is a well-known and highly effective manipulation that we deploy against our victims. Easy to do, low in energy expenditure, a passive aggressive measure which is the mainstay manipulation of the Mid-Range Narcissist although it will be used by all of our kind. It comes in two varieties; the Present Silent Treatment (we remain physical proximate but ignore you or stay silent and glare at you) or the Absent Silent Treatment where we vanish. The former is excellent at drawing fuel and asserting control whilst the latter achieves both those aims and allows us to take effectively a time out and use that time to court an alternative source, invariably unbeknown to you.

The primary purpose of a silent treatment, like most of our manipulations, is the the drawing of fuel from you. You become concerned that we will not speak to you, upset that we are not responding, angry that we remain sat there ignoring you. You are worried that you have not heard from us, distraught at our absence, fuming at our disappearance and whether you are talking to us directly, sending messages, leaving voicemails or turning up at some place where you hope to find us, you are invariably frothing with Proximate Fuel which we lap up. We also benefit from doses of Thought Fuel too.

Whilst that is the instinctive aim of the silent treatment in its many forms from Icy Glare, Cold Shoulder, Incredible Sulk, Invisible Person through to The Ghost, what is actually going through our mind when it is deployed? What is behind the statement above that the use of the silent treatment is our way of killing you?

A silent treatment appears most often as an instinctive manifestation of cold fury as a consequence of you wounding our kind. It may also be used by the higher functioning of our kind as a stand alone measure when there is no wounding and is part of a calculated response designed to further our aims.

Thus the Lesser, whilst far more prone to applying heated fury, is wounded by a perceived criticism and sits silently, staring at the television as his ignited cold fury manifests and you keep providing fuel as you ask him what is wrong. Eventually, the provision of your fuel will heal the wound you have caused and the fury abates and he will just turn and talk to you acting as if nothing has happened. Whilst he is sat there ignoring you his Present Silent Treatment arises because he wishes you dead as a consequence of your traitorous behaviour in criticising him. However, if you are dead then you will not provide fuel and as a consequence this instinctive response is a further example of the contradictory behaviour we engage in, purely to fulfil our needs.

The Lesser wishes you dead. However he also needs your fuel. If you are dead, there is no fuel. Of course, there are occasions where the Lesser loses control and lashes out and actually will kill as a consequence. Where that does not happen, your figurative death is still desired but your fuel must also be gathered. Accordingly, a silent treatment satisfies both of these diametrically opposed consequences. You are treated as dead because you are being ignored but the fuel is still provided.

The Mid-Ranger has a similar instinctive response. He also wishes you dead for your disgraceful and disloyal criticism of him. Of course, he also needs your fuel and given his passive aggressive nature, he is far removed from actually doing something that would kill you. Thus, the silent treatment appeals to him especially. He is not bold enough to drive a knife into you to kill you, so instead he slinks away, coward that he is and slays you through an Absent Silent Treatment. In his mind he satisfies the need to punish you through this ‘death’ yet at the same time he garners fuel from your desperate voicemail messages asking him where he is.

Both the Lesser and especially the Mid-Ranger will use various forms of the Silent Treatment as a means to achieve this killing and it is an instinctive response. The Greater rarely uses the Silent Treatment in an instinctive way. Instead, the Greater recognises its effectiveness from the perspective of using it in a calculated method by which manipulation can be achieved. He will use a brief silent period for the purposes of testing someone, even though he is not wounded. He will decide that somebody needs to learn a lesson in terms of who is in control and whilst he is not wounded, he deems it appropriate to deploy the silent treatment so the victim is subjected to further control. The Greater’s response is not one of wanting you dead; that is the knee-jerk reaction of the Lesser and the Mid-Ranger, that hatred and fury rising as they rail at your audacity in wounding them, their disgust for your craven ways after all they do for you and such is the vitriol towards you that is pumping around their bodies, they wish you dead and the silent treatment is an instinctive way of achieving that whilst catering to the need to exert control and draw fuel. The Greater sees the silent treatment as a way of slaying those elements of your character which you hold dear.

You want to help people. If that person evades you, you cannot help.

You want the truth. If that person has vanished, you can gain no answers to establish why they have done what they have done.

You wish to give them love, but you cannot because they have ghosted you and left you feeling pain instead.

You want to listen and ascertain what the problem is, yet if we will not talk to you, how can you do that?

It is also extremely effective against empathic people. It absolutely gets under the skin of most empathic people. True, there will be some, who, after a time, realise what it is and in turn embrace the respite that comes with such a silence and do not react to it. However, most empathic individuals hate it. They cannot stand the response, the imposition of guilt that it generates, the confusion, the uncertainty caused by a failure to respond (is he just busy or is he ignoring me – a frequent dilemma that causes considerable consternation to the empathic individual ( see Should I Get in Touch )) Accordingly, the Greater knowing just how effective a manipulation this is, will use it as part of his or her ongoing campaign of control as opposed to an instinctive reaction. We Greaters see it as a way to kill your resistance to our control.

The Greater’s approach is one where your various good and empathic traits are denied, frustrated and in effected ‘killed’.

Killing somebody is the ultimate expression of power and control. Life has been taken away. Whilst it cannot be denied that our kind do kill, it is, in the scheme of our numbers, rare. It is also a counter-productive act because if we kill our primary source we lose an excellent provider of fuel and bring about a potential fuel crisis as we have to find a new primary source and usually this must occur quickly. Furthermore, there are of course the potential ramifications arising from the commission of murder, albeit, those considerations are often far from our minds when the act of murder occurs.

We want you dead for your treachery. We want you dead because it is the ultimate expression of power and control. Yet we need you very much alive. The silent treatment satisfies both desires and that is why it is our way of killing you.

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69 thoughts on “The Narcissistic Truths – No.4 (Expanded)”

  1. Needed to read this. Perfect timing HG! Its all slowly sinking into my foggy, confused, warped, manipulated whats left of my heart and mind!

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  2. Here is a question that probably can never have a clear answer, but supposing someone’s family member was a lesser, would they always wish you dead? It seems there was a deep-seated wishing of some sort that I experienced, but it was intermittent, and only appeared as s stress response.

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  3. It is very painful, and makes me feel “left out”, which causes me to become infuriated 😮😵😡. Being “left out” is the kryptonite in which I dread, and loathe. However, this no longer applies to the last Narcissists; I consider being “left out”, and given the Silent Treatment from them, and their Lieutenants, a BLESSING! Hallelujah! 💃💃💃

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  4. What happens when a lesser or greater gets ‘locked’ in by their own silent treatment? My sister was a master at sulking and pouting and cold dismissals. It used to drive me into myself and I would feel locked in. Like there was no lever to break the doors I slammed around me. I would feel trapped. So I think I understand some part of this but what happens when the narc can’t trigger themselves out of it? I am guessing this is part of the hoover trigger but what if the right one doesnt happen and he gets traped by his own reaction (versus a nore calculated choice on the partof a greater)? Make sense?

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    1. I have never seen an instance where that has not happened.
      Either, the wound is healed from your fuel so we stop.
      Or you do not respond to it so we realise the manipulation is not working and obtain fuel elsewhere and/or shift to an alternative manipulation.

      The need for fuel or otherwise is the determining factor. Interesting question.

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  5. This is precisely why No Contact is such sweet sweet revenge for us. If you’re lucky enough, like me, to witness their response to NC while being in their physical proximity, it’s pure delight. They try to puff themselves up like proud peacocks, pretending that the “silent treatment” going on between you is their doing, but it’s so easy to see right thru them. What’s really going on inside of them is the Wicked Witch of the West wailing, “I’m melting, I’m melting, I’m melting….” They need our fuel for dear life. We don’t need them for anything, anymore. We get to heal with the silence, therefore we win.

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    1. After repeated silent treatments it does backfire on them. They ultimately condition us to get used to them not being around. It’s so painful at first because we are fighting that outcome ourselves. But then we adjust, adapt and go with it. No contact just becomes the new normal.

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      1. So true MLA-Clarece. They usually either moved away temporarily, have been “so busy” lately, or established some type of silent treatment distance already. So into themselves they’ve no idea they’re just training us to do NC better. Playing themselves with that tactic.

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      2. I am here now. He did what I asked HG above. One moment, telling me he would not leave me, that he was there for me, but I needed to stop some things he didn’t like, the next, he is greatly triggered by an emotional reaction I have, he slams the metaphorical door and blocks me.So, I chased him per usual, set up a new IG account, texted him. I also did my good-bye dance, last word, said lovingly, then of course backed down as it involved my own silent treatment which is really NC but I can’t make it happen. He is letting the texts go through, but not reading them or blocking. I don’t know how to unlock him. I am working on stopping, believe me. I have a few things set up in place already, things I have done to lessen alot of reminders of him. To close this chapter of my life, I am getting help, but no one said it would be easy and its not. I have some life changes ahead so they will kick in soon and will help distract me. Its so sad as he tells me to stop hurting myself. Yes, that is true. But he is hurting me. And he is actually hurting himself. He doesn’t see it, but whether it is me or someone else, this is who he is with everyone who gets close to him I am guessing, and no one does hang around in the end. He hurts every chance at a happy and healthy relationship … but he is just fine, nothing wrong with him of course.

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      3. Yes, Clarece! This is essentially what led to finally having the guts to go No Contact. The idea and attempts had failed before because i felt so addicted, and noticed that he always came around when I started to feel normal again. This time, after reading more about narc and psychopathic seduction I felt more sure of what he was (though I still question if I was right). And when he returned/hoovered or whatever it was, it felt fake to me. And I had felt so lost and out of control weeks prior to that, and didn’t want to have to go through that part of the withdrawal all over again. So after drinks with my peeps that night, I was supposed to go back online and have fun with him. But I just never came back to play.

        It was exactly what you said. He made No Contact the new normal! It hurts so often until one day we’re desensitized to it like, “Oh, you’re back? More? No thanks, I’m good!”

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  6. I really appreciate these expanded versions of the Narcissistic Truths series. It helps me see more clearly what it is all about.

    After reading this, I would like to add something about female sociopaths, ST and death. This is not about intimate relationships. The following can happen at work, in the family of origin (mother-daughter), with relatives, in-laws, in the community or in any other social group.

    I have read that most victims of female sociopaths are women. Their favourite tactic to control someone they perceive as a threat is to use relationships to isolate them. Female sociopaths attack the target’s social network first (instead of using direct aggression).
    From my own experience I can say that they manipulate not only all people who already know the victim but also those who may come into contact with her (Cluster B and nons) into using the ST as a weapon against her. For example, the victim is invited to gatherings organized by the female sociopath but none of the guests speaks to her, including not only those who know the victim but also guests who had never met the victim before.

    Eventually, the victim is ostracized and shunned, which is the equivalent to *Social Death*. In order to achieve this, female sociopaths work methodically and steadily over the years.

    Manipulating people into using the ST as a weapon against a victim is a way of punishing and controlling someone who is perceived as a threat and also a way of symbolically *killing* her.

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      1. Hi Anna Belle, I haven’t seen “Mean Girls” yet but yes, I have heard about it and also about the book. As for “Big Little Lies”, I’m afraid I haven’t heard about this film until you mentioned it but I will have a look at it on Amazon. In my comment I was referring to adult sociopaths. Those I know are over 40/50/60 years old. As adults they have a lot of experience with smear campaigns, character assassination, intimidation, coercion, public humiliation, shunning and ostracism, etc. They are better prepared to destroy other women’s relationships and lives than they were when they were young.

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      2. EB,
        Big Little Lies is a book and a new series on HBO. Reese Witherspoon, Nicole Kidman, Shailene Woodley and Laura Dern star in it. Uppity Wealthy Mothers putting into practice what you have described. It’s on episode 2 so you can catch up or read the book. Mindless entertainment ☺

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      3. Thank you, Anna Belle! It sounds really interesting. I’ll get a copy of that book when I finish reading HG’s “Danger”.

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    1. The “social death” really resonated. That happened to me once. The woman who did that to me, I contributed to her getting fired from her job about 4 months afterward. She created her own chaos and mess and it was warranted. She should not have squandered my loyalty.
      HG may recall me writing about her a long time ago in regard to her referring to her mother “Jodie” whenever she erupted on someone who she felt crossed her. She had a very strained relationship with her MatriNarc.

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      1. @MLA – Clarece
        I’m really sorry to hear it happened to you once, Clarece. I know what it is like.
        From personal experience I can say that many female sociopaths seem to be paranoid. If they are *convinced* that someone has been speaking ill of them, although this is not true and the victim has never ever said anything (neither positive nor negative, nothing!) about them, they will seek revenge and punish their victims doing to them something 1000 times worse than what the victim *supposedly* did to them.
        It can also happen that other women will tell lies to the female sociopath (“Person X has been speaking ill of you”) and the sociopath will believe those lies. Her fury is ignited and she will punish Person X by destroying all her social relationships until the victim is socially excluded.

        Eventually, the victim is “dehumanized”. She is not considered a human being anymore.

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    2. Great, I am afraid you just described my mother. When she started to teach at my school when I was young, I just watched in horror as she moved in and buddied up with my friends. Soon I had no friends. And then I was the only child who she never expressed any excitement for my friendships and interest in how they were doing in life. You should have seen her meet a childhood friend after 30 years. Beaming expression and stuff. When she left, I confronted her, why were you so happy to see her, you never liked her? I forget her mumbled response…

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      1. sarabella,
        It is not uncommon for a MatriNarc to contact her daughter’s friends or their parents (my mother used to call my friends’ mothers) to tell them the most horrendous lies about her daughter behind her back to destroy relationships.

        Many sociopathic mothers tell all sorts of outrageous stories about their daughters which go from non-existent pregnancies and abortions, children given up for adoption, sexual disesases or use of illegal drugs to the most common ones like “She’s mentally ill/crazy ” or “She doesn’t have any friends”.
        A daughter seldom gets to know why her friends detach themselves from her or give her the Silent Treatment for no apparent reason. If she’s lucky, one or two of them will tell her what MatriNarc told them/their mothers about her but most people won’t. The same vicious tactic is also used by female sociopaths in other scenarios to ruin the victim’s relationships and to isolate her.

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      2. I was also barely functioning at that time of my life when she started to teach. And rather than come to me as my mother, the adult, what did she do? Went to my friend and asked my friends, “What is wrong with Sarabella?” My friend said that she and my mother would watch me from the classroom window. 🙁 🙁 🙁 That was my f***g b**h of a mother. Sorry, anger is rising right now.

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      3. @Sarabella, I am sorry for what you have been through with your MatriNarc. Horrible. It must be very painful for you to remember those times. It is not possible to develop feelings of self-worth or a healthy self-esteem with a sociopathic mother.

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      4. E.B. Its even worse. I honestly don’t even know how I survived what I have been through. Beyond her I had a mountain of other things that made my life not worth living at times. I feel like I am waking up to a real painful reality of what happened to me. I appreciate your compassion.

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      5. E.B. Would a sociopathic mother scream at her 13 year old daughter that her friend is a whore? another 13 year old child, from a broken home, going through puberty and testing the waters and all? A child, really? This is her attitude towards my friends. losers, whores, nobodies. my sister’s were fine, even my drug addicted brother’s were. just not mine. why that response to me? 🙁 HG?

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      6. @Sarabella. She wanted to destroy your relationships, your social life. She criticised your friends behind their back and then she tried to turn your friends against you.
        I think that the reason why she did that to you (and not to your siblings) is that you were/are the family scapegoat.

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  7. HG,
    How did you figure out you are a narcissist? Or did someone point it out to you. Perhaps someone you were in a relationship with? I often wonder if my ex knows he’s a narcissist. I did call him one once, in a scathing email when I tried to go no contact. To this day he has never acknowledged that I called him that. I often wonder why.
    KW

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    1. Hello KW, a former girlfriend of mine who was a psychology graduate pointed out to me in a non-judgemental way that she believed I was a narcissist and that I had anti-social personality disorder as well. I rejected her assertion. I then read about it wanting to know what she was referring to and I could see the link and the force in what she had said. I kept it to myself thereafter.

      Most do not know, which i probably the response of your ex.

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      1. What parts are the anti-social personality disorder parts? I read about all the distinctions but so far, none that I have read really clarify it for me. I bet you have a good description?

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      2. The anti-social elements are no empathy, pursuit of personal gain at any cost to others, deceitfulness, failure to conform to norms, aggressiveness in pursuit of my goals, no remorse or guilt, lack of or low anxiety.

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      3. so is it a bit like you know what you are but have no label? its just that above you mention having to look it up. im wondering purely because my narc is saying he has complex ptsd. will he know that this isnt true?

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      4. Claire, I meant look it up as in trying to see what distinguishes anti-social from narcissistic when considering my brother’s and my narc’s behaviors.

        HG, do you believe you have both disorders or is one the disorder and then you have traits of the other? Is one more predominant or depends on what is needed for the situation?

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      5. so my husband is he useses complex ptsd as an excuse he knows he’s making excuses for his behaviour?

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    1. No, I have decided that this did NOT happen. It was a Professional face-fall into your lap, but that’s all! Nothing intimate!

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  8. HG,
    I’ve been thinking about “the creature” lately, so this article is very timely. I’ve read about how hard you work to keep the creature hidden. Silent treatments, other manipulations, and physical abuse are horrible. But, murder is something completely different. Is that when your kind cross over to that unthinkable place? When your creature gets out? You say Narcs don’t want to give up their primary source due to the need for fuel. What if they have another primary source and don’t need our fuel any more. Non of us knew what we were entangled with… It’s still hard to comprehend the effort that went into all the manipulations. How do we ever really know what they’re capable of? Has murder or other criminal acts crossed your mind in your pursuit of fuel? Since you have no conscience or empathy toward others, where do you draw the line? What about suicide? Could that be the result of the creature getting out? My greater narc told me about some of his professional athlete friends that had comit suicide. Thank you.

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  9. Abuse certainly is a killer. It killed my mum. I refuse to let abuse kill me. Especially for my families sake. I will survive. Plus silence is golden x

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  10. I’ve just read all the comments above. In your books and blogs you say that greater narcissists know what they are. Above you’ve just said they don’t. Could you clarify things a bit more please hg? Is it possible that my estranged husband knows there is something wrong with him and genuinely believes he had complex ptsd but doesn’t actually know he’s a narcissist? Cheers x

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  11. The explanation of silent treatment helped me. The greater wants to make sure you know he is in control, even if the last time you saw him, he let you think you were important to him. So when you next see him, it’s like he has taken a step away from you with his head tilted back slightly while speaking to you but still saying sweet things. Right HG?

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  12. hi HG I can’t remember where. I’ve read loads so far. You have definitely mentioned umpteen times that greater narcs know what they are. lessers and mid range do not. above you have put most do not know.

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  13. blummin heck the messages on here have got muddled up with questions n ansers. hg can you clear stuff up on here as to what the lot of us are on about? to me this post is important x

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      1. I can. My moderation pushes the comments through. I have no control over how they appear at the front end. That is down to wordpress.

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    1. Hi claire,

      You can use the link below to create a free account on WordPress *without creating a web site or a blog*.

      https://wordpress.com/start/account/user

      First you choose your email, User Name and Password. Later you can choose your “Public Display Name” (claire).

      If you have a WP account, you will see a bell on the top right corner of the site. You will be notified with an orange dot on the bell of *almost all* replies to your comments and it will be easier for you to reply to other people’s comments too. It is not perfect but better than having no account at all. It is free and your email and user name will not be displayed. Hope this helps.

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  14. Mr.Tudor, Your insights are impressive. Indelible. Bravo! I’m a bit weary right now. When the fog clears I shall respond more fully. Meanwhile, take care. We wouldn’t want to lose such a valuable, indispensable resource. I don’t like what you do, but I respect where your coming from. Thank you for your honesty. You are providing needed insight.

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