Exposing the Lesser



“I know what you are.”

How many times have you wanted to tell the abuser you have become entangled with that you have finally worked out what they are? It might be during your period of abuse, it may be when you have cast aside, it might be when you have been hoovered back in, but you have eventually gained some insight and enlightenment and I know your desire to impart this knowledge is overwhelming. You want us to listen to you as you tell us that you now know what we are. You want us to listen and listen well.

It is a paradox that such a comment as that above causes greatest concern and alarm to the greater of our kind, but before I detail the effect that those words have on the greater narcissist, let us look at the lower functioning member of our exclusive club and how it affects him, the lesser narcissist. Those of our brethren who are of the lesser variety will have no comprehension of what they are and such a revelation is meaningless to them. Tell the lesser of our kind that you know what they are and in all likelihood you will be met with a dismissive shrug or a demand that you explain yourself. If you tell a lesser narcissist what they are and that you know, his lack of awareness will lead him to laugh at your use of the word and he will no doubt ask you what is for dinner or to grab him a beer. If you leave the matter there, it will be forgotten about and the insight you have offered will not even make a mark on the lesser narcissist. He knows he isn’t one of them. He probably would struggle to spell it. But perhaps you are not done. You are an empath after all and you want your narcissist, even though you may not know he is from the lesser school, to understand what he is. You also want him to know that you know. For too long you have been on the back foot and now you want to recover some power. You are a disciple of knowledge. You are an acolyte who worships at the altar of understanding and you have deemed that this time your narcissist, lesser even though he may be, should be aware of what he is and that you are in full possession of the facts. You are not going to let him shrug this one off. Should you then spell it out and describe that person as a narcissist they may not even know what one is.

“What do you mean I am a narcissist?” is the most likely response to such an allegation. He is not accepting it is he? You need to give him more. You need to put some flesh on the bones for him.

“You. You are a narcissist. You build people up, you make them feel special and loved and then for no reason you turn nasty. That’s what your kind do. You think of nobody but yourself. I have been nothing but good to you and you treat me like dirt.”

“That’s bullshit, who has been filling your head with such nonsense?”

“My friend Paula has read all about your kind after I was telling her about how horrible you are to me. She showed me a book and I have read it and you fit the profile. You are a narcissist, a horrible and empty abuser.”

Will he get the picture now? Will he have a breakthrough in understanding now that you know exactly what he is? Have you landed a blow and stripped him of his abusive powers?

The level manner in which you deliver these observations will result in one response and one response only from the lesser narcissist. The ignition of his fury. He will not have a moment of insight. He will not accept what you have said. He will not slink away wounded by being called a narcissist. The word narcissist is meaningless to him. He isn’t one though, he knows that much, but the issue of whether he is one or not is immediately pushed to the wayside. He knows that your use of the word and the context in which it has been used, along with your calm descriptions of “abuser”, “nasty” and “horrible” amounts to a criticism of him or perhaps more accurately described, he does not think this through and assess that you are criticising him. No, he only knows that what you have said is wrong and all of a sudden a ferocious rage has engulfed him and you have to be punished.

The reality is that your words have wounded him because he is better than you and you are weaker than him. He does not think this through because he is a lesser narcissist. He responds and reacts in a knee jerk fashion. Who are you to criticise someone as mighty as him? You should know your place. His churning fury is ignited and he cannot control it as it bursts from him like lava erupting from a volcano.

“Oh fucking Paula has been telling you has she? How many times have I told you to stay away from her? She’s nothing but a goddamn trouble maker. Why do you not do as you are told?” he shouts and moves towards you in a menacing fashion.

“She isn’t a trouble maker; she cares about me.”

“She is always interfering, I am sick of her and your other arsehole friends. I am the head of this house, not them, do you understand?”

“I am sick of you bullying me, leave me alone!” you shout back.

“If you did as you were told, I wouldn’t have to do this would I?” he yells and the all too familiar open-hand cracks you across the face as he loses control of the ignited fury and assaults you. You cry out in pain, hand raised to the already reddening mark on your cheek as he continues his ferocious tirade causing you to back away. Your attempt to get him to realise that you know has been lost, subsumed beneath the ferocious fury that you have ignited through his criticism of him. His response is to go on the attack and make you scared, upset and worried of what else might happen. He swipes another arm sending some ornaments on a shelf crashing to the floor causing your hypervigilant self to jump as the pottery smashes against the filed floor. The lesser narcissist does not know that he to do this, it is an immediate response, a defence mechanism to your criticism. He will not understand what you mean by calling him a narcissist. He will not accept it. As you try and explain what it means, if you do so in a calm and measured manner all you are doing is criticising him and this will always ignite his fury. With the lesser narcissist he is less able to regulate his response and most of the time, subject to where you are, he will respond with verbal and physical violence as he has to draw an immediate reaction from you to stop the wounding effect of your criticism. This fuel you pour forth as your tears fall or you shout at him enables him to address the wound you have created. He does not know any of this because he is lower functioning, he just responds. That is why when you tell a lesser narcissist you know what he is, it is a pointless exercise. He will either shrug it off since it is meaningless to him or if you pursue the point you will end up being attacked in some manner because you ignite his fury.

He cannot see it. He is not allowed to see it, but he must be allowed to defend himself and with most of our methods, the best form of defence is attack. So, what of those of us in the greater school? How is it different when you tell us that you know what we are? Well, that comes next. How many times have I told you to be patient? I do wish you would listen to me.

17 thoughts on “Exposing the Lesser

  1. Kimberley2 says:

    Can’t wait to read about the Greater’s version of this scenario! I will stay tuned. 🙂

    1. sea Shell says:

      Same with me, Kimberley2.

  2. I was married to a lesser but he was never violent. I was very small. 5 ‘ 98 lbs to his 6’1″ 180 lbs . But he brought out rage in me which I hated to feel. Once when he got very drunk and passed out, I punched him and bloodied his nose but he never woke up. The next morning he wondered what happened and I told him he came home like that. A greater is just as maddening and confusing. Except now I’m not so confused, thanks to HG.

    1. However, the lessor did break things and punch holes in walls.

      1. Yes he did destroy walls and break furniture but didn’t physically hurt me. I would have left immediately. Once when I took a trip for a month or so, I came home and he had taped layers of newspaper over every window so that my many plants received no light and he didn’t water them as promised. Papered windows looked so tacky from outside but he always took pride in keeping the lawn … sweeping sidewalks … all immaculate like his father did. The first thing I did was rip all the paper off while he just watched and smiled.

  3. My lesser would just stare at me blankly, if I told him I knew what he was, and then move on as if I said nothing. But… at some point I’d suffer some kind of revenge, much later on, out of nowhere, so there is no connection between those two.
    He unleashes violence only on his mother, and her house. It’s been destroyed inside many times over. Two months after meeting him I’ve seen him in action: removing stairs leading to the house, all doors out of hinges, break all windows, all mirrors. I’ve seen him destroy expensive phones, his 2k laptop, flat tv screens, etc. Threatening to crush the expensive Cadillac.
    It was the most terrifying day.
    He screams at his mother, his mouth foaming, and she’s screaming back. I’ve seen the screaming match many times. As time went on there were little attempts at covering their behavior from me.

  4. amsodone says:

    Oh my gosh…
    “If you tell a lesser narcissist what they are and that you know, his lack of awareness will lead him to laugh at your use of the word and he will no doubt ask you what is for dinner or to grab him a beer”.
    … similar
    Thank you HG

  5. Watermelon says:

    Here we go again, you are so fucking aggressive. I don’t have time for this shit, unlike you, some of us have to work for a living. Don’t ever contact me again.

  6. Free Bird says:

    I have been told probably hundreds of times how “disobedient” I am, and our circular arguments always seem to come back to my disobedience. They certainly are clueless with no accountability. So many similarities amongst the narc ranges as well. Mannerisms, speech, patterns (idealize, devalue, discard, hoover, repeat) little need for sleep. …etc.

  7. Star says:

    Thank u so much for your very interesting and truthful writings HG. It has been a year since I left him. I have resisted the hoovers and other attempts after hearing how physically , emotionally and mentally abusive he was to my young child. It was a secret she kept inside for a long time and it came out while she was in therapy. She was very distraught over the abuse she had witnessed with him towards me. I realize now he triangulated both of us for purely his own intentions and enjoyed every minute of it.I am guilt ridden , had I known earlier how evil he was I would have left long ago. But I have struggled with the why’s.. wondering if underneath it all he was unaware, wondering if he loved us.. wondering if he had regrets.. wondering wondering.. now, thanks to your writings.. I know the truth. Knowledge is power.your truth has helped me see my truth and has set me free. Thank you.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

    2. Alicia says:

      Same here, I’m very thankful to have found your writings… I finally feel free…. I was so confused I’m so thankful that I have not had contact in 1 year!!!

  8. Brian says:

    Except in this case, the bully is occasionally getting in your face and saying “I just luuuurrvve you sooo much!”

  9. Brian says:

    This is basically the stereotypical school bully. Anything you say to the school bully is immediately taken the wrong way, used as an excuse to attack. It’s just identical behaviour.

  10. ana says:

    what happens when you expose a narcissist to his new primary supply?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Usually they do not believe you because you have been smeared to them by the narcissist.

      1. ana says:

        Thanks for the reply. I taped my ex the night I was breaking up with him and sent him the shortened version as an exhibit of the emotional abuse he inflicted on me for 5 years. His response to the recording was “not my best moment” while my therapist’s reaction to the same recording was “he sounds demonic”. Judging by his recent desperate attempts to give me closure and grant me understanding, he has now realised the potential threat of using the recording to expose him for the psychopath that he is. I can only predict that the smearing against me has intensified as a precaution of the possible release of this recording, but apart from the obvious, what I would like to know from you, is if YOU were ever exposed where it ended your relationship with your supply? And if so, then what did it take to make the victim see you for what you truly are?

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