Everything Is Not Enough

everything

I remember the day, or more accurately that the floodgates were opened on my promiscuity. It was when I attended a particular university for the purposes of an admission interview. It was early December and this historic and beautiful university city was lit up by orange and yellow lamps as a little mist clung to the narrow alleyways and courtyards. I had concluded my two interviews (read Fury if you want to know more about how they progressed and how one interview impacted on me) and returned to the junior common room to meet up with two other candidates. They were applying to the same college but to read a different subject to me. They were both English literature students. He was from Greenock in Scotland and she was a bookbinder’s daughter from Cambridge in England. Beer was consumed, stories swapped and the fellow from Greenock retired to his room. The bookbinder’s daughter, she was called Sarah, came back to my room and we talked before we climbed into bed together. I had a girlfriend at the time and whilst there had been dalliances with other girls I had not slept with another. That changed that night. And in the morning too. Sarah wandered away across the quadrangle to her room and I rose from my bed to seek out the bathroom. She decided to stay another day at the college because she wanted to spend time with me. I was happy for her to do so as I waited around, as was customary, in case an interview arose at another college.  The following day we both departed, she to the east and me to the west and once I alighted at the train station near to my girlfriend’s house I went straight round to see her. She was pleased to see me and embraced me with enthusiasm. I returned the enthusiasm. I had no sense of guilt at my infidelity. Nothing at all. Instead I revelled in the way I had taken Sarah to my bed and now strode into my then girlfriend’s bedroom with her asking with admiration how my interview had progressed and what the college was like.

Following that first time I never looked back. I cheated left, right and centre. With that girlfriend and with all subsequently. Why did I do it? Way back then I realised how good it made me feel but I had no understanding of why I actually did it. Something always drove me to do it. I realised that the relevant girlfriend would be upset if she knew what I had done but this never stopped me. I never gave it a second thought. Even as I was locked in an embrace with some relative stranger and an image of the girlfriend formed in my mind I felt no tug of conscience, remorse or guilt. All I knew was that I was able to seduce, pull, entice and ensnare everywhere I went. I would meet someone and always find something attractive about them – it might be the colour of their hair, the length of their legs, their accent, the way they rolled the letter r, the fact they drank with a straw or the size of their breasts. It might be their enthusiasm for a particular band, their recollections of travelling or the manicured nails. Each and everyone had some kind of attraction. I could not resist trying to ensnare someone in order to bring them under my spell. It was then that I realised what it was that really drew me to them, it was the promise of their attention. I realised I was able to get them hooked on me. I had convinced myself that I was drawn to them for some other reason but it dawned on me that I was just telling myself that as a reason. A reason that I required to explain this compelling desire to couple with someone. But that was not the real reason. The truth was that I wanted their attention on me and this was the way to get it.

Yes it was pleasant engaging in that first kiss and I enjoyed the sensations that arose when the embrace escalated but it was not what I actually I wanted. I wanted them to praise me. I wanted them to become transfixed by me and for them to shine their spotlight firmly on me.  The promiscuity has always continued and it does not matter who with it is the fact that I am able to do seduce and by so doing gather that starry-eyed admiration, those pleasing words and the attention. This engagement does not end with behaving in a promiscuous fashion. I will engage in discussions with a stranger of my own sex,at a bar, a railway platform or in a lift. I have no desire to seduce them sexually for that is not my preference but I do cause them to like me and in so doing give me that fuel that I need.

Often I feel like admitting my repeated transgressions straight away to the relevant girlfriend of the time but I have no desire to puncture my primary source of fuel by doing this. I do find it interesting how they always react with such alarm and distress on the odd occasion I do make such a confession. If I tell them how well I got on with a random male in an exchange at a bar, someone with whom I have swapped views, thoughts and opinions, I receive a smile and a comment of,

“Always good to make new friends.”

Yet an admission of coupling with a stranger results in hysteria even though to me these interactions are similar. Yes, one might yield greater fuel than the other but in terms of intimacy they are equally redundant. That is not why I do it. I do not do it because I want to savour the sensation of another’s mouth against me. I do it because I want them to give me fuel. I can understand how you may be aghast if in a normal relationship a partner behaves with infidelity but to our kind it just about the attention, the admiration, the fuel. You have such a great hang up because sex is involved. That is just the gateway device to me. If I could get the attention another way so that it provides such fuel then believe me I will do it. However, in your world, on the whole, the act of a sexual union accords a greater connection between two people which means you yield more fuel and are more inclined to keep providing it as you seek more from the liaison.

Our promiscuity arises to enable us to achieve fuel. From the new target who is seduced by us and from you should we alert you in some way (either in whole or in part) to our new interest. The condemnation that is attached to promiscuity when in a relationship means that your reaction just provides us with even more fuel. There is a risk of your supply being punctured by this revelation but it is a calculated risk and is often done when the quality of your supply generally has started to wane.

To us promiscuity when in a relationship is merely a means to an end. To you, well, you behave as if it is the end of the world. It really isn’t.

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49 thoughts on “Everything Is Not Enough”

  1. Ah yes, the golden years. That pre aids decade where decadence prevailed. Our kind were liberated to follow our desires. Once inducted, we too were driven to be in someone’s spotlight. Seduction was expected to affirm our existence. You flattered us and we soaked it up. Our mothers didn’t have this luxury. One partner, arranged marriages? Not for this smart cookie. We were invincible. No sense of passing time. We lived in the now with you. You were married? Overlooked that issue. You were my professor? Irrelevant. Then we heard about people dying from something communicable. Game changer. Junk stayed in the trunk. We had to find another pastime. That’s when we started to ask questions, filter the source. People started to settle down, get married or remarried. Then came the World Wide Web.

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  2. HG,
    Do you think this non emotional reaction is from sexual abuse, narcissistic behavior or a combination of the 2? Those that are sexually abused are usually promiscuous or very prudish. I think you talked before about your cousin not wanting to be touched and not wanting sex. Was he abused sexually? Is he not a Narc too? Cerebral or something?

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      1. HG, so when the narc is older, has heart problems and diabetes and can no longer perform even with the aid of pharmaceuticals, do they feel as strong in their manipulations? I would think the ability to “perform” would be top on the list of manipulations. Does the loss of sexual ability weaken your kind?

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      2. It depends on the type of narcissist. It would hit Somatics and Elites more than Cerebrals and Victims. Indeed the Victim would use it to his advantage. Of course ultimately it would all be your fault, because it always is.

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      3. by the time a greater is old enough to have all those medical problems they are probably wealthy and powerful.
        E.g. Hugh Hefner, so they dont slow down due to medical issues 🙂

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      4. He is a millionaire several times over and part of one of the most influential families in his community. I just thought complete physical impotence would be wounding in some way. Most men have a very difficult time mentally with never being able to achieve any kind of erection again even with viagra. I guess he’s not most men.

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  3. ok… i get it now, thanks to you… he would say “its not about the sex”… i never could make sense of that in MY reality. good grief… all of this could have been so much more easy for me had I been “awake”… too late now. anyway, this piece is a whole new vulnerable truth from you, HG! Thanks….

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  4. I always have questions and this was an uncomfortable read because I spent every waking minute with mine so I was in denial about the cheating. Still have no proof if he did. My question HG, is, why does your kind refuse to wear protection and is it common to deliberately get women pregnant? Thank you.

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    1. Protection is often not worn because of the “in the moment” thinking that we engage in. We do not suffer consequences because we have no sense of accountability. We are entitled to do as we please and do not recognise boundaries thus many of our kind will not bother with protection. We do not consider we will catch anything, we do not care if you become pregnant – we either want that to happen so you are bound to us and you are conned into thinking we want you all the more because a child has been created and if we did not want the child, well we just walk away anyway by virtue of reasons of lack of accountability et al.

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      1. And now I understand. It is the enlightenment you are providing that will continue to give me strength. Thank you Mr. Tudor.

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      2. HG, the fact your kind is so promiscuous how do you avoid a STD. It only takes one to give you an everlasting gift or a trip to the health department for a jab in the arse. I know this. I was 20 and I received a phone call from the health department to come in for a test. The nurse informed me that Jackson, this is his name and he is British, imagine this, gave her a list of seven women. So I was a victim, one of seven. He is still around, I believe works at the MGM.
        He was handsome and charming. We ended up working together for a few years and I always heard that he would always have many women. I was so young. BTW he was not so good either. It was not worth the jab.
        So to say you have never been there, I will call you a liar.

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      3. I can only stare at my screen with my mouth wide open, blinking and taking a double take to that one. Listerine huh? No words…

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      4. Lol
        A true story from a friend who worked for the fire dept. Went on a call for a woman in severe pain. She douched with Draino. They were not sure the reason she did so but nonetheless this would constitute a “pussy on fire”
        Draino is a brand of caustic substance to unclog drains. Yes, this is a true story

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      5. Why are you not worried for yourself contracting something? Especially with the likes of HPV?
        How do you react during seduction phase if the new partner insists on protection?

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  5. The fact that there’s a reason why you do it doesn’t make it right. The issue is not a purely moral one but the impossibility to build something of value with another person. You share no intimacy with anyone and they are all interchangeable, so you are in reality always alone and so are they. What you offer is of no interest, to anyone really, that’s why you must lie with promises you know you’ll never keep.
    You go round in circle with nothing to loose and nothing to gain. A carefully crafted hell built on your vanity.
    You say you “know” this but you don’t seem to be convinced about it because the way you put down things seem to be not so bad and not really your problem but some sort of irrelevant social ideas about relationships, of no value to you.
    What you value is “fuel”, whatever that means, but this fuel must come from a true and sincere source, the exact souce that you are missing inside yourself and that makes people inferior in your eyes.
    So you need and value most of all the only thing that you despise in others.
    You are forever convicted to beg for something you despise. It’s the closest thing to damnation on this earth.

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    1. Giulia I agree.

      and i am totally against infidelity,
      however, we do not really know the real reason why we are? Or we?

      For example, I lived many many years in a commune where ” sharing ” even among couple was permissable, but we were enouraged to analysed the motives.. which i must admit many times the analyzation wasn’ t always so pure as we desire.
      ( long story)

      However when done in “pure” motives and in agreement with all parties, ( means getting permission from your partner and not done in secret) the outcome was good; and trust was not breached as when done in secret.

      However, i realise that that kind of “doctrine” it is not always understood and welcomed , and it belongs to an utopian society ( like our communal life was at first)

      We humans tend to want to ” possess” even our own partners fully, i am that way: very possessive; and by a moral standar we have been brain washed that way.

      However i think it does brings insecurity, grief, disunity, breakages.. and a lot more, like hate and revenge..

      To learn to share everything in a true spirit of love, care and trust, it is the most difficult task to learn in this life.

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      1. Maria…true spirit of love and sharing must be joined with commitment. Love is a choice, not something that just happens to you. If you have a partner that has other sexual partners and you agree with that, then you have a sexual agreement, not a committed relationship.
        Possession isn’t exclusive with commitment, there are possessive cheaters also. True love is never jealous nor possessive, it’s a choice of mutual care to one another and support. These things you can’t have if what brings you together is just sex. If someone you are in a relationship with is with someone else when you need him, then you can’t count on him. There is no commitment, just fun, at best, when and if you are lucky.

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      2. I think its okay to be somewhat posessive as long as you are not being hypocritical. Narcs tend to isolate someone and then have a great social life themselves.

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      3. ahahahahahaha don’t get me started on the sexual opportunism of leftist men.
        signed, a big ol’ leftie

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  6. So experienced yet completely clueless. And all together not fit for purpose, that’s what they are.

    You need to find yourself a woman to whom it means nothing as well, to create nothingness together.

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    1. That’s my thought as well. I know at least two narc & narc couples, and I think they work the best. And believe me they know they are made of the same cloth. Long long time ago my second ex narc said this to me even, that him and the mother of his kids “are the same”.
      He meant to say that his relationship with her is more secure that way, than the one with me, because the chances of me leaving are greater.
      He didn’t ofc say that, but now I think that’s what he meant, long time ago before I had a clue about narcissism.
      So yes, I hope they look for each other, find each other and stay together, and create that absolute nonsensical nothingness together.

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      1. “…find each other and stay together, and create that absolute nonsensical nothingness together.”

        Yes, perhaps that is the answer… the loneliness you feel trying to reach out to him when you are at your most vulnerable is beyond words… still haunts me… never to be experienced again.

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      2. But not have children!! Two narc parents are difficult to survive and leave children permanently warped! At least with one empathic parent children have a chance of being able to have normal adult relationships.

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      3. I know a narcissistic couple with two daughters. And I think only one of them is normal, so imagine her life with three narcs in the house..
        they shouldn’t have children, but a lot of them do, unfortunately they are very fertile..

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      1. She gave you a disease?That fn sucks. “We” can’t keep it and i hope you are being sarcastic and getting rid of it. I can help you release ants in her bed if you are willing to sleep on the couch.

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  7. I am ever amazed at the amount of abuse women will take but cheating is the last straw? Seriously?!! cant wrap my head around it. Even after the relationship is over-the trying to compete with the new girl by losing weight, changing hair, etc. Those things have little if nothing to do with why he strayed in normal relationships and HG has taught that they (narcs) care nothing about the actual act. You are not better or worse than the next person in bed save for the fuel he obtains and there never was any feeling fir you. Let that sink in. Nothing but his gain. It truly is just an act to them in all definition of the word. So really, how can you be hurt by that? A basic carnal act. Be more infuriated about the way he speaks to you, abuses your time, treats or ignores your children, alienates you from your family. But sticking his dick in some other orifice? (And it is really only that, as its been described as masturbating with another warm body). Who cares? Wake up.

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  8. So I see HG that you have a barbie collection in addition to the scrapbook lol. Nice that you have hobbies to relieve the stress of maintaining all of your awesomeness.

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  9. Voldemort told me that having sex with someone else when he was on the road was no more significant than going out to eat at a restaurant when you aren’t home for a home cooked dinner. It seemed to puzzle him that it upset me- his wife.

    I do/did condemn him for cheating. But at the same time I feel sorry for him that sexual intimacy is that shallow and meaningless and vows are made to be broken.

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  10. Giulia i know
    but there are also committed cheaters..
    i wasn’ t talking about cheating…
    cheating in that spirit is despicable..
    i was talking more about sharing true love and care…
    utopia i know..

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  11. HG, under what circumstances would you confess cheating to a primary source? Wouldn’t you be afraid of losing her??

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      1. Ah that would not be a confession. A confession suggests wrongdoing and as you know I am never at fault. If I chose to tell you that I have engaged in sexual relations with someone else, that is not a confession but a declaration which is a manipulation.

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  12. I have been comment happy. I realize now that this is helping me release emotion when the thoughts of him enter my mind . I have always since I was a tiny child remember my inner voice speaking to me. This is not the same as the ego and what I have found is that when you are certain it is the inner voice speaking then listen because Spirit never lies.

    Now one time in particular I was sitting on my Narc’s sofa whilst he was stalking women on Facebook. Outof nowhere my inner voice spoke to me and ,while I had known what he was at that point I didn’t have the deeper understanding , I blurted out what it said “oh my God ….you don’t even like sex !” Now it did not mean he doesn’t enjoy the sensations of course but it was the power he derived from being with all of those women.
    He looked over at me and our eyes met and I saw that look of recognition as if to say “now you get it”. He was not wounded or upset. I think he was actually surprised that I figured it out. A few seconds went by and he said “stop it …do you know who you’re talking to? ” I went back into my role of playing dumb and said “yeah right my mistake. “

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  13. Only someone incapable of love would feel this way about sex.

    I don’t have sex with men I don’t love because for me squandering that level of intimacy on someone incapable of valuing it is psychically debilitating. When you talk to the guy at the bar you don’t take off your clothes and show him this person none of you coworkers or friends will ever see. I think for people with intact human empathy sex is about creating a singularity. Like yourself, most of us require a singular level of attention and care; we just get that this is a reciprocal need and it’s not a problem for us.

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