The Smearing of the Empath

 

the-smearing

I have previously explained some of the forms that the smear campaign takes and also why they are so effective. Now I turn to the six reasons why they affect somebody like you so much. Smear campaigns are a constant in the arsenal of the narcissist. Effective, utilised through word of mouth and with the capacity to envelop several people at once who in turn perpetuate the smear, the smear campaign is a favoured manipulation of our kind. Here are six reasons why they affect you so much.

  1. Denial of assistance

The smear campaign is usually utilised during devaluation and on the cusp of discard. Its timing is such that you will more likely than not find yourself in a position of desperation, fatigue and confusion. Battered and buffeted by our manipulations through the devaluation period,you are in a poor position to defend yourself never mind having to defend your reputation with others. Once the discard hits you and knocks you for six, you are in need of considerable assistance. You need somebody to help you make sense of what has just happened. You need somebody to listen to you as you pore over the relationship and try to piece together (usually unsuccessfully) the cause of your fall from grace and subsequent discard. You will need assistance on practical items such as money, paying bills, eating, child care, washing and cleaning in some of the more extreme cases where your ability to function has been hammered. When your need for external assistance is at its highest, you find that those who you thought you could rely on to help you have been poisoned. Friends become unobtainable or suddenly busy with other commitments. Family are sceptical about helping you since they think you have brought it on yourself and they are even ashamed of your supposed behaviour. Colleagues are not inclined to assist someone who has been painted the way you have. These people disappear, turn their backs or even worse ally with our kind and the help and assistance you so desperately need has been taken away from you. This furthers your isolation, your pain and your distress. It also reduces your capability to address the nature of the smear campaign and neutralise it.

  1. The Corruption of the Truth

You abide by the truth. You speak it and live by it. Yes, you may tell the odd white lie but you are a paragon of virtue compared to our mendacious and repeated untruths. You believe in the truth and you need others to know that you are an honest and truthful person. You base your life on having honest dealing with people, both towards them and from them. It has been an horrendous enough experience dealing with our lies that we told time and time again to you, but it becomes even worse when you are being lied about. You may have reached the conclusion that we are well-practised liars and that is the way we are but to have your own reputation impugned and your character stained as a liar is anathema to you. This causes distress and the fact you know that other people are believing a lie about you will have a damaging effect on you and we know this full well.

  1. Frustration

You feel a huge sense of frustration that your reputation is being smeared but added to that is the frustration that people are actually believing what is being said about you. You are surprised and dismayed that people are falling for what we are saying about you. You are disappointed in those people who you thought would know better than to be taken in by what we have said. You really ought to know by now that just as oyu were taken in by our charm and seduction, so have they. Did you really expect them to respond any differently when you did not? The difficulty is, is that you know the truth about the lies being spun about you and you desperately want others to see through this but they do not. You understand why, because we base the smear on a grain of truth, we magnify and manipulate and twist and warp the truth so that people are deceived in an expert fashion but nevertheless you really though that people who you could rely on would see through this tissue of lies, this web of deceit. The frustration at this overhwhelms you and adds to the distress of the situation as a whole.

  1. The Lack of Control

We hate losing control. Most people do not like to lose control because this causes distress, anxiety and apprehension. If something bad happens and you are able to at least do something to address it, counter it or mitigate its effect you automatically feel better. However, if you are swept along on a tide by a force over which you can exert no control, the sense of helplessness is massive. You are made to feel like this because when the smear campaign commences your coping ability has been hugely reduced. We however are at the top of our game, calling the shots and orchestrating everything with considerable effectiveness. You do not truly understand why it is happening, why we are behaving like this and moreover why people believe what we are saying. You feel as if you have no control over the progression and outcome of the smear campaign and this increases its effectiveness in terms of how it affects you.

  1. Keeping Up Appearances

Related to the corruption of the truth. Whereas the corruption of the truth alarms you because of the way that a central quality which you adhere to and believe in is being damaged, the smear campaign is also damaging how people think about you. You are not a person who is immersed in pride. You are neither vain nor conceited but you still want people to think well of you because you are a good and decent person. You just want people to know what you are and to have them told that you are something contrary to your actual appearance becomes especially upsetting for you.

  1. The Hammer to Your Reputation

 

Not only is your character and outward appearance as a good and honest person shattered and dented by the smear campaign, the effects of a smear campaign often go further. Your professional integrity is called into question with ramifications for your job, career advancement and livelihood. Your standing in the community is adversely affected which could have repercussions where you hold positions of trust and authority. If you have to be licensed by the authorities in some way, a smear campaign can place that in jeopardy. You may lose friends, your family may distance themselves from you but the repercussions of a smear campaign can infect your professional life, your income, your integrity and your standing. You are made to feel like a pariah and you may lose clients and customers, the backing of your superiors, be regarded as an albatross to an organisation. People are obsessed with appearances and if you become a PR nightmare not only is your personal life hammered by the smear campaign your professional and business standing is also.

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59 thoughts on “The Smearing of the Empath”

  1. I hate how accurate this is. As much as I want to ignore it I can’t shake someone I trusted, love and gave my all, portraying me as evil, twisted and that it’s my purpose to make people feel bad.
    Nails and heads HG, once again. Does your kind believe the lies they tell others or is it a defense mechanism? I can handle being demonized bc the truth would expose him, but I would be heartbroken to think he really believes those things to be the truth.
    I am fully aware it’s projection, but still. It’s an empath’s nightmare

    Liked by 2 people

      1. So they’re delusional…great. Then how do they come back from that and re-idealize? Not that he needs to, but the discard, new supply, smearing and then hoovering blows my mind. There’s no why with your kind. But how? Seriously how?
        Nex convinced me his ex was Satan and that she cheated. He told this to everyone who would listen, now he states they’re still friends and the love just died. How do people not hear this?
        So many how’s scatterd in a world without a single why?

        Liked by 2 people

      2. That will be a step closer to having a meaningful relationships with people. As always my hope for you. You have beaten the odds many times this is no different.

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      3. HG
        Re: Challenge without wounding.

        Interesting because that happens here on the blog. I assume this is because we do not exist for you for this purpose? (As well as being far removed). Those in your real life are chosen and exoected not to and we are not so we are compartmentalized differently? I know the fuel is vastly different (almost non existent here), but I think there is some confusion as to how you are not wounded here but a comment from even a tertiary source could cause wounding in your real life. So the server in a restaurant could cause wounding or ignite fury and we do not due to the proximity? Not sure I worded that correctly but you are brilliant so will know what I mean if you care to address it. Thanks.

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      4. There are occasions where people provide a little fuel here and they also challenge me (not in the sense of making me think, but in terms of challenging my superiority etc) and in some instances I will respond and point out the error and is so doing assert my superiority.
        As for wounding me here, it might happen but the application of the five rules prevents you from knowing. Most of the time it does not happen.

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Where the 5 rules put in place to create a neutral place of engagement?
        I imagine if they were not in place people would view you differently and the outcome would turn out very different.

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      6. Was another to show you that you can engage with honesty and be accepted for who you are?
        You recive little fuel here, in other words the deconstruction started keeping the scaffolding in place, isolation is the final stage.
        Maybe I am completely wrong as to I am running on a theory.
        If I have offended I apologize,never my intention.

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      7. Twilight/Dawn, that’s what I’m doing with my ex-narc – telling her if she wants to talk to me, I’m open, but it has to be alone in a neutral, public (non-workplace, non-church) setting. Giving her an ultimatum of sorts. She wants to keep lines of communication open despite our history and is being quite civil (feels like a soft hoover) but with no romantic overtones. I mean, before she was caught stalking/menacing my step-niece, her tone was nothing but adversarial. But, since I told her that I instructed my step-niece to call the police the moment she sets foot on the premises while she’s working a shift, that tone has softened considerably – with sympathy plays to even showing me the cake she made for her great-nephews’ birthday party (all via e-mail). Treating me as if I were an old friend all of the sudden. I don’t know if she’s just moving extremely slow (most likely) or if she’s had some genuine change of perspective.

        I have good reason to believe her “marriage” is on the rocks and splintering fast and, if there were any time I could play the role of “homewrecker” and have a clear conscience about it, this would be it, but I’m still treading extremely carefully. I’m not looking to get romantically involved with her again, but we got back 34 years and I’m not going to turn my back on her if she’s in dire need of help once the cuck gets wise to her game and this “marriage” ends.

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  2. It’s sometimes easy when you’re in over your head emotionally that the risk of having your heart broken is worth it. It never dawned on me until reading here that this “relationship” can potentially cost you everything. Your heart, your marriage, your kids, your job, your friends, your family. Every single thing that matters to you. Would it be less painful if they’d just kill us instead? I guess there is only temporary fuel in murder though.

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  3. When I recently ended it and quite abruptly he begged for closure…can you believe it? It was a manipulative tactic and it worked. I explained in simple terms I simply wasn’t happy and decided to move on, no need for discussion because my decision would not change. I wished him well and told him how much I cared for him. His answer to this was quite the “tell”:

    “I have to tell you this I thought long and hard last night ,,,, for me I have to change my mind set and feelings toward you ,,, so if we run into each other understand I don’t want you to say hello or even acknowledge me and I will do the same ,,,, I have to turn my love for you into a hatred. It’s how I must get over you so I won’t speak ill of you I just won’t ever speak of you. This pice of my heart has to die to heal ,, for the last time best of luck to you and your family .”

    So HG, does he mean to speak ill of me or did he really mean he just won’t speak of me at all? Either way, his text was very revealing. So childish really.

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  4. In fairness to the known human growth and development charts – naïveté is a factor of pre trans fallacy. People think they are grown ups because their bodies are larger. Reaching the rational stage is to be celebrated. No longer succumbed to blind faith. We fact check. Take nothing for granted. Use critical 🤔 thinking, contemplation, study the data, don’t jump to conclusions, ask around, talk the the ex etc. confront the incongruities. Etc.
    but wait…it doesn’t end there…there is an emergence post rational and it doesn’t end there either. If we start from where we are, give it a good 8 yrs of diligence, maturity catches up with childhood. Reframing the past won’t look like a history rewrite. It will be a course correction.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I am thankful that we never got to this point, only because my ex (undoubtedly a lesser) doesn’t speak English and was living with me in the uk. I now know how frustrating it must be for him, this missed opportunity to smear me, especially since I dumped him and went no contact immediately. Small mercy after 4 years of hell! Do you think he will still attempt this in the future HG?

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    1. Well he might have smeared you DJ and you have not yet realised, but assuming he has not, I think it unlikely that he will bother in the future unless of course you get together again and then there is a greater reason to smear when he dis-engages at that later time.

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  6. Mine probably smeared me to smithereens to his friends, family and the like. I was smart enough not to let him in to my inner circle bc I knew something wasn’t right and that it wouldn’t last. So who cares what his fake friends think of me 🙃😘

    Liked by 2 people

  7. HG has captured this accurately.
    I am one of the fortunate ones who got out of the clutches of the narc. I told myself I am valuable respectable and honorable and no weapon directed against me would succeed. The smear campaign will bother you only as much permission you give it.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. After he had treated me horrible, my “fury” arose and I started a smear campaign too. I only used the truth and a little bit exaggeration here and there, sometimes only rolling my eyes and telling “I found out things after the relationship, you won`t believe it”, sometimes telling half-truths. Nothing more. It depends on the fantasy of people. I played the same dirty tricks and they worked. If I was a lesser or mid range narcissist, I would not know. I would believe my own stories. I do not. I am fully aware of what I did. Somehow it does not fit to your theory, HG. Following your theory, I must be a greater narcissist. What do you think about it? (Besides, what a great compliment….)
    I also noticed, that my personal devil could not tell the people full lies in every matter. For example he tried to seduce me to steal money from him. He had to give me some money back and he did not. I was very angry. When I saw him the next time, he let me count his money (thousands of €) and told me, where he puts his money. What a humiliation and temptation! I resisted to take my money. I knew what his aim was. I remembered what he told about his ex. She “had” stolen some money of him. The opposite was the truth. She is a fine, beautiful woman. I talked to her. He was so stupid to tell me where she works. We have had an interesting conversation. A lot of dirty secrets, no one else should know . He knows that I talked to her. He does not know how much. It is a big threat for him. I know. He withdrew himself.

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    1. I also started similar, a bit ambiguous smearing campaign immediately after I went NC. Anyway, I do not think I needed to convince anybody, they already knew, my narc professional reputation proceeds him, and people think he is an aggressive, angry jerk. When I worked with him, I was his best friend, and I ‘managed’ him (so energy draining), acted as his PR – as a result, his reputation improved significantly in the workplace. Without me, he came to same old ways of doing things. After he had found a new job, he discarded everyone at the former work environment. He does not maintain any friendship (another red flag), he just calls people when he needs their expertise or wants to hire them to work for him.
      What makes me smiling is that he will stay angry, ‘lost soldier’ forever – he called himself a ‘lost soldier’ many times, such a pity-searching pathetic creature. I seriously wonder now why I even bothered to take care of him. I should not be that naive.

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  9. My ex-narc (a solid Mid-Ranger with some Low-Range tendencies, according to your definition) made a feeble attempt at a smear campaign, but, save for her Aunt, everyone was onto her crap. Everyone who’s met me and knows me knew right from jump street that she (ex-narc) was full of crap. Matter of fact, she’s alienated all of her friends and even some immediate family with what she’s pulled on me as well as her children (all 3 of her children have all but blocked her entirely from their lives – they’d done so before my narc and I ever became an item).

    After a month’s worth of No Contact, my ex-narc turned to stalking/menacing my step-niece at her place of work, playing for sympathy and considerably softening her tone after I informed her that the police would be called on-sight if she tried it again while my step-niece was working a shift.

    Point is, she’s pulling crap to *make me* contact her in one way or another. And keep in mind that she’s been married for 3 months now, yet I’m still on her’s enough to do things like that.

    Where it concerns my ex-narc, I’m rather enjoying seeing the tables turned a bit, truth be told…..

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  10. Annabelle, that is a false assumption. I do not think they feel worthless, they like to steal our money, our reputation, our good values. They have no conscience at all or some kind of a perverted conscience. HG told it and he agreed about the perverted conscience. They have a lot of aims and rules they follow. Their aims and rules are totally different to normal people. Normal people think, narcissists have no self esteem. They only don`t care or worry about the things they do to other people. It is their right, because they are superior. They deny the reality. My narcissist used every possible lie to present himself in public as a big chief. The reality was that his ex was the one who paid for most of the things. She left him without furniture, took only her clothes, left no address and hid herself somewhere. He was forbidden to come to her workplace. And he smeared her and smeared her and smeared her. He told all people, that she was not normal, because she left no address. I could not and did not want to hide myself. I had to counter and I had to be aggressive. They calculate whether it is worth to go into a fight. They are war lords who want to conquer and take all of the loser. The greater of them know when they have to withdraw because there is a risk to lose. Then they look for another victim, which is easier to exploit and later easier to smear. I have no trouble at all at the moment. And I hope it stays like that for a long time.
    War is always a dirty business, it is never a clean one.

    Liked by 2 people

  11. My mother smeared me for a long time using grains of truth. It was a long and painful road for me because of all the reasons you explain here, HG. I ended up distancing myself from my whole extended family. I actually do not care anymore what they think of me. I am free.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lou,
      I think all Narc Mums traded recipes of the best way to screw up your children. It was secretly held as a P.T.A. meeting. They forced the empathic Mom’s to compile and enscribe their thoughts whilst they got a massage and their hair did. Thus the book The Narcs Recipes for Disaster Vol. 1 was born. I heard there were plenty of cat fights that night when they had to decide whose recipe would be the first listed, who would have top billing and how the profits would be divided. Unfortunately that book never seen the light of day. It is rumored that the 7 families that run the world, all have copies and in secret rituals pass the recipes down to their children. Wiki leaks will probably release it at some point. In the meantime we stick with HG, as he is for sure in posession of said book due to chocolate empire and many others from bygone Narc Days. Passing that information off as his own is a classic narc move. This is why the secret identity. The illuminati would kill him if they knew who he was.

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  12. Unfortunately, I did not make it out in time and endured 2 painful smear campaigns on social media. It is pretty much for the world to see. This person (former friend) made sure our mutual friends from high school and our mutual friends outside of high school saw the smears. She even included people that didn’t even know me from her place of work who joined in as her flying monkeys. It was hell. I didn’t realize at the time what was happening to me at all. I was confused and still til this day I can’t understand why I was devalued and smeared like that. The most hurtful part is the others who believed the lies. She has come out unscathed and here people are thinking I’m the abuser who hurt her!!! That pisses me off!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. My narc enlisted the help of another family member who is a mid range narc and has effectively smeared me to the point that I have lost my job, reputation and now my family. He wants me dead so that I don’t expose him.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Try and not to worry about exposing him, time has a way of revealing things at the right moment. Easier said then done. At this time work in rebuilding your life, you can do it, sometimes you have to go minute by minute, nothing wrong with this.
      Read what HG has put out, it may anger you at times, trigger you, yet in the end you will acquire knowledge to be able to make decisions to move through the emotional part and get to a place of peace within.
      Take care

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  14. All this talk about smearing is so grade 7. Unless there are incriminating photos with your head in the shot (even then pfftt) then its all heresay and anyone who knows you or cares about you wont believe it. Anyone who doesnt give a shit about you enough to believe it-why do you care? If you just reply: nice fantasy and then dont engage any further makes them look like an ass for carrying it on. It only works if you keep responding. So dont. This is why it doesnt bother the Narc. You cant hurt his feelings so anything you say is fuel for him and makes you look guilty for engaging and defending yourself. Adopt his behaviour in this arena. People will catch on that only one is doing the talking. And if they dont, f**k them- you dont need them. Hold your head up and keep moving forward. Remember when you were actually IN grade 7? Something happened that made you think you wanted to die. Crawl in a hole and die you were so embarassed. But you didnt did you? Thats what you tell your kids. Take your own advice. This too shall pass.

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      1. HG
        Yes it certainly does, and there are circumstances where you may not be able to deny your involvement (sex tape etc) and even then you wont bloody die (especially if you look good lol), but for the most part its all this he said, she said crap along with FB postings and the like Im speaking of. The war of words. So juvenile. Thats something else Empaths fall for most of the time-wanting the last word. Youre only playing his game.

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    1. NarcAngel-I think you’re comment is highly insensitive and maybe it is because you’re a narc yourself. I need to remove my notifications from this post because if I have to be subjected to comments like this it’s not worth it.

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  15. aww.. we only challenge you so to speak to hear us.. as you are the only opportunity we have to talk with a narcissist who engages in conversation with our kind about narcissism..
    you are precious to us, and we are all liking you very much here, very very much…

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  16. I have No connection to the idiot anymore what so ever. Since he only had one friend and all my friends despise him he is all alone. He can say all he want to his pretend friends and little family but no to use because his record of women is not that great. I was the only first and “normal” women he had. The “friends” all told me “I hope this works out because you are absolutely wonderful).
    He took advantage of it, did his N thing and is all alone now. Oh, for sure on every dating app there is but he is not the prettiest nor have the life anyone wants. I wish any new woman good luck. I consider myself the one that got away. The steps on how to put me in place did not work and I simply took off instead. His moto is to never look back … yeah right! I saw the email he sent to his ex wife (whom he hated) right before I left. Too late there as well!! Desperate since he knew he had no fuel. So.. say what you want about me.. we all know the truth. I called you out on it and it hurt. I managed to cause a lot of pain… not proud of it but what goes around comes back around and bites you in the ass. And then I died … ha ha seriously I died emotionally. The darkness was deadly. Don’t suggest anyone do the same thing. Walk away and go NC right away and never look back.

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  17. “There are occasions where people provide a little fuel here and they also challenge me (not in the sense of making me think, but in terms of challenging my superiority etc).” Really, HG? You’ve only had your superiority challenged here? I see.

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    1. No, you have misunderstood. I was talking about challenge fuel which is linked to the provision of fuel and challenging the superiority. I was not referring the instances to where I have been given cause to think and reflect about questions posed, those are not challenging within the context of challenge fuel.

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  18. So do they get fuel out of the silent treatment when we apply the same method? Tried to find that in the fuel book but noting so far. Thanks

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      1. I don’t give silent treatment not my thing. That is his cup of tea, very childish.. I just don’t give him more fuel by pretending he don’t exist. Perhaps he is just happy I’m finally done trying? He did read my emails over and over again but seldom responded, love tracking emails. Only when something that he could benefit from he did respond.
        Thank you!

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      2. I did when I tried to get belonging back. Wanted to know if he even read my emails. He did .. over and over again. Then I stopped emailing and gave up on my most valuable possessions. I will never contact him again so the app is now deleted. Don’t want to see or know how many times more he dwells over my mails. Obsessed sometimes he read them 40 times in one day! Of course it was when I was furious and called him out on his behavior. Now all deleted and no more looking back.

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  19. For clarification.. it’s an app you use when sending an email and it gives read receipts.. I do not access his mail and never have. I’m not crazy ☺️ That is illegal and I am not a criminal.

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      1. I can handle it.. the teasing but read receipts are not considered stalking I think!
        I’ve never once looked at his fb and only once in two years on his instagram. I’ve never entered the first sphere nor tried to get close at all. I’ve simply tried to get answers regarding my stuff and if he wouldn’t have answered and handed over some I would have started stalking his work or home or simply let law enforcement take care of it! ☺️ But trust me.. I’m done with that now…

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