Try Walking In My Shoes

try-walking

I always wake before you. This allows me to slip into the en suite and lock the door and deal with the horror of confronting another day without you seeing me endure this daily ritual.  Already I can feel the hunger rising as I stare at my reflection. Is this what I have become? The bleary-eyed, stubbled, exhausted creature that gazes unwaveringly back at me. No, I do not recognise that thing. How old it looks. The lips are thin, the hair thinning and clumped. Its shoulders rounded and slumped in resignation. I feel refreshed from a solid night’s sleep yet whatever is looking back at me does not accord with that feeling. The fear crawls across my skin and I rub at myself trying to dislodge that cold grip but it never works. The inner dread rises as I contemplate another day at the grindstone trying to piece together what I am, that long arduous task which never gets easier. In point of fact, the task becomes more difficult with each passing month as my advancing age screams at me about my mortality. How that banshee tortures me as she howls in my ears about my waning powers. I feel the tears welling as every injustice I have ever suffered is heaped on my shoulders by an uncaring and oblivious world. Does it not see my pain or does it just not care?
My mobile phone is clutched in my hand. I rarely let it leave my side and I place it on the counter besides the sink and then grip the counter as I continue to look at my reflection. My knuckles whiten as I fight the urge to scream at how empty I feel, how bereft I am and how this is so damn unfair. I try to wrench my gaze away but I cannot. I am entranced by what I see. I do not recognise this person. Where has that shock of white come from in the hair above the left temple? That is not me. Its skin looks dry as if it has been subjected to the dehydrating suction of some foul shade that visited in the night. The horror continues to escalate and it is only the chime of my ‘phone which breaks this terrible appreciation of the thing in the mirror.

Grateful for this interruption I shift my eyes to the ‘phone and see that a message has arrived from one of my coterie of admirers, Samantha. The pilot light inside of me flares into life and there is the slightest surge as the fuel begins to flow. I should wait until I have showered but the hunger is too great already and it must be addressed. I open the text message and like a starving man being given his first meal after fasting I devour the words of admiration.

“Good morning handsome, I missed you last night, I will call you when you are at work xxx”

The flame increases in size and strength as I close the message and smile .I turn on the shower letting the stream of water heat up as I flick to the texts that Samantha sent last night whilst I sat on the settee preoccupied with my activity of flitting between her texts and a conversation I was engaging in with a new prospect on facebook. I re-read a handful of the texts from Samantha with their declarations of admiration for me and I feel my strength returning. I put the phone down and step into the shower and relish the hot embrace of the jets of water. The fear has shrunk away and the dread sensation has been pushed back down. I liberally apply the shower gel, enjoying the sophisticated scent as I use a different product on my face, scrubbing away the dead cells and then another to cleanse and wash. I turn the taps and the water stops. I reach for a thick towel and pat my face dry feeling rejuvenated. As I stood beneath the purifying water my keen mind raced whilst I formed my machinations for the day. Always plotting and always scheming. The prospective fuel that will be garnered from the new sources that I am pursuing coupled with the dose of triangulation I will involve you in is causing me to feel excited and powerful. I pick up a bath sheet and admire the toned nature of my body as I dry myself and embark on the next stage of my preparation for the day by shaving and brushing my teeth.

A little while later my phone has chimed again and this time it is a colleague wanting to arrange lunch as he wants my advice since I am an expert on a particular topic he has to present on. The flame inside rises higher now and this spurs on my delinquent mind to consider additional ways to garner that oh so precious fuel during the day. The hunt for fuel is unending. The craven hunger that rumbles inside of me cries out for it and it is my sole preoccupation. The beast inside must be fed. Yet, now I am feeling strong. I haven’t applied my after shave and already two admirers have seen fit to worship at my altar and the games have not even yet to be played. But they will. I reach for the fragrance and splash it into my cupped hands and apply it to my neck as I look to the mirror. The handsome me has returned. The piercing blue eyes shine, the tousled, shiny locks of hair await the application of some wax to style them, the unblemished skin and close shave accentuate my chiselled good looks. I flash that winning smile as another surge of power flows through me. God I look good.

I return to the bedroom, ‘phone in hand and find you have now risen and I can hear the sounds of movement in the kitchen downstairs as you prepare breakfast as you always do. You will shortly bring me a mug of fresh coffee but I think I will complain that it is not hot enough and criticise you, just to see if I can provoke a reaction from you. It should not be too hard, I know precisely what to say. I notice the bed has not been made and rather than attend to it and help you, when you pass me my coffee with a ‘Good morning’ and a smile, I will cock my head towards the dishevelled heap and tut. Ah, yes, the master of games knows his stuff. I dress as another text arrives from another friend who wants to organise a golf game and asks for help with his swing, praising my technique. He is after more than assistance with his golf since he wants me to place work with him. He will have to provide me with more fuel yet to even be considered and of course, I will send the work elsewhere since there is someone who will give me something I want in return in a sweeter form and in larger amounts than my golfing chum. Still, the disappointment on his face will no doubt provide me with a hit too.

I can hear you coming up the stairs and I decide I will take a look in the full length mirror since I am fully attired to admire how elegant I look. I dress in a manner which says to anyone who meets me that the first move is mine. I stand and give a contented nod at my statuesque reflection. I look fantastic. I start to smile and then a bolt of anguish shoots through me as the craven creature that first lurked in the bathroom mirror appears. It is only for the briefest of instances but it causes me to exhale. My expensively-dressed self returns and the relief washes over me in an amazing way. The creature has gone again. He does that though. He likes to make fleeting appearances throughout my day to remind me that I must keep finding fuel. My quest for the potent fuel must be at the forefront of my mind at all times. As if on cue, you enter the bedroom, a veritable reservoir of fuel. You greet me as I cock my head to the unmade bed and tut. I feel the rush of power as your smile evaporates and you look crestfallen. The games have begun and my day is off to a great start. I only hope that the creature stays away from me.

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77 thoughts on “Try Walking In My Shoes”

  1. Ooh HG, I feel for you and your kind. I really do. But guess what, I told you I was coming for you and your kind.
    How I will never tell, it’s my secret. But let me just say this, I have found a way to talk to your kind and it has worked. Told you I was no ordinary empath.
    You’re next, wink.

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      1. You would think right. But tried it on 5 of them already, all 5 were scared shitless 😉 the change I have seen in them in just 2 months blows my mind, theirs too. It’s almost scary.

        HG, you can “yeah yeah” me all you want. In the meantime you’re in therapy, debatting mindfullness and isolation 😉 how does that match your greatness and being smarter/better then us?

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    1. No one can fix a personality disordered person. They can choose to heal themselves if they are aware and have the desire to do so. Most do not, though. The lesser are too damn stupid to ever know what they are and the greater (or sociopath/psychopaths) get off on being ‘tough indestructible forces who are stronger and prey on the weak (empaths).’
      Science has proven that they can teach sociopaths to feel empathy but they have to be told when to do it. They learn how to actually feel it, but can always turn it off & on at will.
      There is no magical cure. I feel terrible for people that suffer with any mental disorder or illness. I feel especially sorry for the ASPD group. What a sad empty life they lead. Most people do pity and see the ones with the desperate need for attention. Narcs just don’t realize this & convince themselves that they are all that as others placate them. Sad!
      To think you can change them either makes you a masochist or a narcissist yourself. No one willingly gets involved with them. Sometimes we just get tricked or we’re related. :/ You won’t survive swimming with the sharks unless you are one.

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      1. I couldn’t be a narcissist if I tried. Not feeling for anyone? I wouldn’t last a day. I’m the girl who cries when she dances with her best friends to a beautiful song bc of the magical moment we all share. Or picks up caterpillars from the road to place them back in the grass.

        Willingly involved is a huge statement, I just find that they somehow find me right after awareness, from all over too. It’s weird, really weird.
        And you’re right it’s hard not to feel for them. Their pain and fears are very clear once you’ve seen or heard them. They tell us more then they mean to I think. At least my ex did.

        Liked by 1 person

      1. No and I will write it again – if you have a long post and/or questions they remain in moderation for longer because they require more of my time to address them. If you have repeated questions the most effective way to have those questions answered is to do so through a private consultation.

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      2. Thank you for letting me know. I look forward to the reply. I do only wish in some strange way we could help you but you have made it plain we cannot. I have been considering a consultation but have to consider if it will really be of benefit to me as I have woken up from this and realised that subconsciously I was living a life that was not my own as a codependent, again thanks to my parents. It’s hard to care but know you cannot help. Never will I do things to detriment to self ever again. As I said before you really are doing an amazing job.

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      3. Thank you SVR, you will find a consultation most helpful but naturally it is up to you. I appreciate your sentiments and your answer will appear in due course.

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      1. HG if it’s heard what does it say?
        As an ex codependent I use to always think I was a nothing but now realise what a load of nonsense. I am just as good as the next person. What I am saying is I use to hear derogatory about me from within. Does that make sense?

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  2. HG, what happens to you lot in your twilight years? I like to imagine you all shuffling about in your designer dressing gowns in some upmarket residential home, no doubt paid for by your ultimate con on some unsuspecting, aged, widowed, heiress with an unfortunate terminal illness. You must be really looking forward to that 🙂

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    1. Shuffle? I glide my dear. Your image amused me. With regard to aging, you can read about how it affects some of us in the two articles Time and the Narcissist and there wil be more to come.

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      1. The death shuffle comes to us all HG, in time. Or maybe you will develop the death glide… Smooth yet slow. I’ve read the article as recommended. I’d say the aged LVN cites a bloody good case for assisted euthanasia… Lucky escape there!

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  3. I am struggling to understand your heightened self-scrutiny in the mirror: it’s as if you gaze upon yourself sans reflection. Surely you don’t truly equate your mirrored image as your true essence . . . as the real you? Ever try smashing the mirror, living without that mirrored projection? Sorry if this sounds like a bizarre question. I’m very curious.

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    1. Beka
      No, they are not. They come in many levels and several types. Narcissism is a spectrum. There are several older posts about this, if you look.

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    2. No, not all of them are sociopaths and even my exnarc wouldn’t dream to do most of the stuff described here. And he’s a psychopath, too.

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      1. I haven’t had hot Vimto for years! I must rush out and buy some Vimto now!

        Hot Ribena with a shot of whiskey is very goo for colds by the way.

        What type of tea HG? I see you as an Earl Grey person (my personal favourite tea)

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      2. What on earth is Vimto?
        I wonder if the coffee dislike has to do with your brain chemistry. The only narc I know who drinks coffee is my mother, she’s addicted to it big time.

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      3. Odd that isn’t it seeing as I am British! No I do not drink warm lemonade. Do you wear lederhosen and slap your thighs whilst drinking strong lager and listening to oompah oompapa music?!!
        Obviously I wear a bowler hat, take afternoon tea, cycle on a penny farthing and know the Queen.

        Liked by 3 people

      4. I looked up Vimto on the internet, and it says it’s a British trademark, a kind of “Fanta Berry”. Hm.
        *lol* No, I don’t drink alcohol and I’m not Bavarian, but Bavarians might indeed. Lager is not specifically German.

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      5. No I realise that lager is not specifically German bit if my memory serves me correctly it originates from Germany as a word which means a store room at a brewery. Of course Germany is known for good strong lagers.
        Go on, indulge me, pop on the lederhosen and plait your hair and all together now, ein, zwei drei, vier lift your stein and drink your beer!

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  4. Light, dark. Good, bad. Chaos, order. The world and people that inhabit our society live and fluctuate between a state of duality constantly. We’ve all done things that some might consider reprehensible for different reasons; whether it was for survival, self defense, gaining something, or even to do something considered good. Being lauded for efforts of kindness or punished for abhorrent acts is how we’ve evolved as a species. Everyone has had a monster that’s come out to play more than once.

    The difference here being the severity of the creature that exists and how easily it blends. It can be ancient and has survived and thrived. Destroying that which was human and innocent at the time of it’s appearance from the environment it was cultivated in and what it destroys in it’s path. People are fragile, beautiful, and flawed; love is one of the finer qualities of humanity.

    The heart needs nurturing. As an empathic person, this was a lesson I had to learn through experiencing the love deficits of such stratagems. In my experiences, sympathy or perspective is hard to deliver inside such high degrees of darkness as it is inherently destructive. Victims are left confused and hoping for answers to their suffering and retribution. Even the narcissist isn’t free from destructive thoughts however. Perhaps that is part of what keeps the puppet master going? Food for thought then.

    Great insights yet again that keeps me thinking. Great Depeche Mode song too.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. As i showered, i thought to follow up on the mirror issue, that hasn’t been addressed yet, and is a part of the famous Narcissus image staring at the reflective surface for a bit longer than a normal person would.
    When you look at the mirror, what do you see?
    Let me answer that. You don’t know what it is that you see. You know intellectually that it is you, but who is that ‘you’? You look and look, and you keep looking, and however much you try, you can’t make a solid connection between the reflection and yourself. It slips away every time you try to make that connection.
    Because there isn’t any. As much as other people don’t appear different from one another, you don’t appear as one to you either.
    Searching for fuel is a continuation of that attempt to make a connection between what it is that is you, and your human form you see in the mirror. Every time you make a connection with someone, they ‘touch’ and define you in that moment. But then it slips away again.
    When that connection is positive, you accept it as you, but when it is negative, it touches the creature inside of you, and it incites fury.
    But most of the fuel whether negative or positive seem same to you, because just as much you are unable to make a connection between you and your form, you are unable to make a distinction between what is negative and what is positive.
    The link between the signified and the signifier is broken, between content and form, between the meaning and the word.

    Contrary to popular belief, you don’t admire yourself in the mirror. Sometimes you are afraid that in one moment you will see the Creature. And you want to avoid having that happen at any cost. But you keep looking nevertheless, hoping to see the other part of you, the one that is part human.

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  6. As I see it: part of your unconscious was shut off because of traumatization, incl. some emotions, and this is where the creature lurks.Your conscious mind developed instinctive survival mechanisms further; also beliefs, such as: with emotions you are weak; if you are not in control of everything and everyone, you will be subject to suffering and helplessness again. Fear.
    The non-accessible part of your subconscious hinders you also from having access to any spiritual approach and to have a basic sense of trust.
    You don’t do stress, etc. anymore because of changes in genes (epigenetics), caused by too much stress.

    It is not only one cause, it is complex: neuronal pathways changed, brain chemistry, but also genes switched on or off. You have created you own world view to match.

    You have no motivation to change as you see emotional persons as being weak and (potentially) subjected to abuse. You think you would suffer more that you suffer from any creature or void within you, you have learned to cope with that. Any alternatives are too scary to even consider.

    This is a belief. As is believing you might vanish if you don’t get responses from other people. You don’t allow yourself to believe that there might by trustworthy people, nor that you are a valuable or lovable person in your own right, from within.
    These views bind you and create the vicious cycle. This makes you totally dependend on other people. There must be down-putting of everone else, or you fear to lose control and being subjected to the malevolent will of another. You prefer to be at the other end.

    You don’t even dare to face these fears and beliefs, as “we” do. But you could, too, as a grown-up person now, and you could find alternatives, if you could find the motivation to do so. But why would you as your relationships are so fulfilling.

    JMHO.

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    1. It is incorrect to state that there must be a putting down of everyone else. An assessment of my fuel matrix now shows more people in golden periods than in devaluation. Those who are usually devalued are the occasional tertiary source and the malfunctioning IPPS.
      I faced fear. I faced it on a daily basis and I overcame it by seizing the power.
      I place no stock in a spiritual approach. Such an approach is based on a mass indoctrination of individuals.

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      1. In regard to incorrect @ putting down etc.: You might not see it as such, but you do have a compulsive need to be superior, and there are many different facets to “show” that. Maybe it’s a matter of perspective.

        Your assessment of your fuel matrix? Have you made a graph??
        Your golden periods are still abusive when looked at through my eyes! As if there was respect, or being there for your “friends” or anything like it. Maybe you don’t know the difference.
        Of course I can only “judge” from your written words.

        Only you know about your fear, really. But what is the problem then with facing the creature. Sorry.
        A spiritual approach is mass indoctrination? I wasn’t talking of religion nor of organized religion, but your very individual approach, completely autonomous; of your true self.

        However, just my point of view, do with it what you wish, you’ve built and maintain your defences, etc.

        It is amazing how you construct your own world.

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      2. Ava101
        Doesnt he just put an itch in your lederhosen and make you wanna slap your thighs some days? Lol
        Just dont stomp your feet. He loves that so then he wins.

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      3. NarcAngel: *lol* But the more repartees, the more nerves hit. 😉
        And I’m waiting to see HG in a Scottish kilt.

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      4. Ava101
        Re: kilt
        Mel Gibson said he once asked two Scots what they wore under their kilts and one replied: your wifes lipstick. Now that may be old as the hills but I had never heard it and it made me laugh.

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      5. Good answer.
        I liked the one between two cricketers, I cannot recall who they were.
        Cricketer A “Why are you such a fat bastard?”
        Cricketer B “Because every time I fuck your wife she gives me a biscuit.”

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  7. OMG! Cracking up. That is such a funny reply HG. Penny farthing etc 😂😂
    Thanks for the giggle. I have to say the narc I knew use to make me laugh like this 😃😃

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  8. Hi HG
    Do you talk in therapy about the creature you see in the mirror before your supply begins to flow in? Can this creature be comforted by you rather than depend on others and their unpredictable ways ? Would spending your energy and time on yourself and meeting and dialoguing with the one in the mirror be something of worth for you? Do you think this creature that haunts you, do you think this creature is haunted himself from your constant neglect and fear of him? Could you care for, get to know, become close friends with the creature and you have a balance in decision making rather than continuing to split off from him placing him at the back becoming the back seat driver ? Are you in weekly therapy or are you in more frequent psychoanalytic treatment? Do you ever see your therapist as If he/she were that creature ? Or your victims? Do they morph into the creature that haunts you in the mirror ? Do you feel controlled by this creature therefore seek a way to feel in control by doing to others what you feel the creature does to you?

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  9. Thank you for yet another great insight and deep understanding into the mind of YOUR kind and you. I was actually picturing HIM in my head getting ready for work cell in hand and me making coffee and trying to be ready for work on time so I would not have to hear him complain and yell. Walking on eggshells. I thought I knew and understood but I did not. I am guilt free now as I focus on me. In the past this would have sent me into “guilt mode” and “fix mode.”

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  10. HG, have the good doctors ever read your blog, along with the comments? Have you ever been inspired by any of the comments, enough to share with the good doctors to get their take on them? If so, what is their take?

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    1. They have in the early days. They may look in from time to time but if they do, they do not mention it. I tend to talk about it to them periodically. I do convey certain observations to them now and again and get their observations. I cannot recall specifics but it usually premised on better understanding a point of view from your side of the fence and addressing things such as emotional empathy.

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      1. Nice! I like reading that! Good for you! Keep up the good, hard, and hopefully one day, rewarding work, HG! 😊

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