Trying Behaviour



You do not give up easily do you? We are pleased that this is the case. You try to resurrect what we once had. You will look to resuscitate our relationship. You want to breathe new life into you and me. You want to salvage what you can from the wreckage and build something anew. You will not let the life slip from what we have, you will not step out of the tangled and twisted remains and walk away. No, you try. You try to make it work, you try to see what can be done, you try to sort things out. You try to make everything right again, you try to make us happy, you try to please us, how you try to please us. You try to fix us, you try to banish these demons which plague us, you try to shed light and joy. You try when everything seems lost, you try when all seems pointless and you try despite everything else suggesting that what we are is a lost cause. You try because you believe in hope.

But what is this hope that has you trying on a superhuman scale, which has you wiping away the tears, picking yourself up, dusting yourself down and standing up once more to try to do the right thing? If you were not with our kind but someone normal and the relationship was foundering would you try as you do with us? Of course you would try and steer the good ship towards calmer waters but you would not try to the same extent as you do with us. Where two people find they no longer have anything in common, they may be content to leave matters as they are and drift along in neutrality. It is not heady and wonderful but neither is it awful. Is beige such a terrible place to be? There is security, the children have grown up and you have your separate interests. There is no hatred, far from it, but neither is there passion any longer, but something in the middle. This is deemed as acceptable and you are happy to trundle along in this manner. You do not try to rekindle those early days of your honeymoon period. In other instances, this mediocrity is found to be stifling. If you hear another gardening anecdote or incident at the bowling club, you will go spare. You want to travel and experience new things. Your other half is more interested in the home brew and the latest episode on television. There is no hatred, there is no passion but this time the middle is deemed suffocating and unacceptable. You do not try to rekindle what you once had but instead decide you want something else. You move on to something else, be it a single life with new pursuits or finding a new person who shares your interests. The separation is amicable, fair-minded and there is no turbulence. The relationship ran its course and you saw no reason to try to make it anything different.

Yet with us it is so different isn’t it? You try your absolute best to get things back on track, you try until you are shattered and exhausted, bewildered and confused. How can you not achieve what we once had again? Why is it so elusive? Yet you do not give up. You keep on trying. Again and again.

Such is the intoxicating power of the golden period, such is the addiction of this utterly falsified state of affairs, such is the massive attraction of that seemingly perfect love, you try your damnedest to resurrect it. Sometimes there is a glimmer of a return or even a brief sortie to that promised land once again and you know that your repeated trying has succeeded. It never lasts. It never stays. Still, you exhibit that indefatigable spirit as you try once more, looking to rekindle that special love we once had.

You even begin to sacrifice pieces of yourself in order to try to bring it back. You try to guess what we want all the time. You walk on those eggshells in order to avoid disrupting the fragile peace. You agree to do things you would never have countenanced once upon a time but hey, it is worth trying isn’t it? You decide to spend more time with us, sacrificing your relationships with your friends and with your family, but you have to try don’t you? You cannot be said to have not tried to make this work and if you had it once then surely you can get it again can’t you? You submit to more and more of our demands, demeaning yourself, degrading yourself and suffering our repeated denigrations but you convince yourself that this is all worth doing because you are trying to achieve a greater aim. You have hope that you will succeed and bring back that elusive golden period. You forgo invitations to events because you know it will displease us. You do not invite people to the house to avoid causing a disruption to the evening, since we want peace and quiet. You try not to say anything when we return late from who knows where. You try to remain silent when we spend hours staring into the screen on our laptops, tapping away, our minds somewhere else. You retreat, back-off and compromise, giving away more and more of yourself and your life as you try to succeed.

Thus here is the awful warped nature of being ensnared by us. In a normal relationship you may not try to the same extent because the excitement and passion was not as it was with us. Yet, this relationship is one where trying will bring about success. Yes, you won’t establish that paradise that exists when we seduce you, but it never actually existed to begin with. It is a fiction. However, trying to succeed with someone normal and healthy is entirely achievable. You will not, by contrast, ever succeed with us. You can try over and over and over again but for all this effort and endeavour you will not get what you want. What we once granted you will only ever be given again in small doses and then only as part of this continuing manipulation so that you remain in our grip so we can gather fuel until we throw you aside. No matter how determined you are, no matter how great your resolve, no matter the fact that you put every breath, every ounce of effort in to trying to make things work between you and us so everything is golden, it will never ever work. It cannot because you cannot control the golden period. Only we can and we choose who is granted it and when in accordance with our need for control and fuel.

Try to understand that.

81 thoughts on “Trying Behaviour

  1. Victoria says:

    Hi HG,
    I am stuck on this: “What we once granted you will only ever be given again in small doses and then only as part of this continuing manipulation so that you remain in our grip so we can gather fuel until we throw you aside.” Could you please elaborate? Why are the subsequent GP not like the first. Sometimes it’s difficult to understand and I really want to understand.
    Thank you Sir 🙂

  2. Mercy says:

    HG is it possible that the empath is seeking fuel from the narc just as the narc seeks fuel from us only on a smaller scale? I ask because even though I know what I’m dealing with, thanks to your site, I still want the crazy in my life. I don’t want to go no contact. When he is concentrating on another source and I feel that WE are going “beige” I find myself picking a fight just to get a reaction or an emotion from him. Or when he has given up hope on extra benefits I will offer it up out of the blue. I thrive on the small wins. I’m just wondering if this is a form of fuel?

    I have been riding this roller coaster for 6 years. I should point out I am no longer the primary source but we still talk 24/7. It’s not a horrible place to be because I get away with more.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I would not consider it as fuel but certainly the empath is seeking certain things from our kind which means they are more susceptible to being ensnared by us than ‘normal;.

  3. Victoria says:

    So if I understand this article correctly, the Golden Period only last one time-correct? Later, during the 2nd or 3rd cycle we are only give a small dose of the GP-just for additional fuel then back to devaluation. Is this right HG? Once the first devaluation begins, the GP is over then respite in between devaluation-discard. Even if we return the GP is not like it was the first time. Did I get this right?
    I truly do learn more with each article. There are so many pieces to this puzzle.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      There are repeated golden periods in certain instances but none like the first that a Candidate IPSS/Embedded IPPS experiences.

    2. Rosie says:

      I totally agree with this, my narc used to constantly message me n now I’m down to not much contact at all its like he’s a completely different person, maybe I know too much n he knows that, he doesn’t seem to like getting a taste of his own medicine!

  4. Broken says:

    Nice to have it all …except empathy and the feeling of true love. The lack of empathy and true love must be hard for your kind. We love you like we never lived before, you break us and then after we rise again like Phoenix and we will love again … however only those who deserve us and we will be happy .. a kind of happiness your kind never experience. I’m starting to get it now…
    We are the winners and you always loose. For my N it’s a never ending terrible story. Soon he will be evicted, bankrupt and alone again. Me.. once is enough and I am now moving, landed a very nice job that will put me right back where I belong… successfull and happy!

  5. Ms brown says:

    @Rosie, a very twisted sarcastic one, at that

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You would be dismayed Ms Brown if it was anything other than that!

      1. Ms brown says:

        never ask a question you don’t know the answer to, right?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          First rule of advocacy according to my QC friend.

          1. Ms brown says:

            whom is your QC friend? Oh, Never mind, I already know the answer to that!

          2. HG Tudor says:

            He is a silk in chambers in the Middle Temple in London.

          3. Ms brown says:

            your legal system is entirely different from here. I would like to understand more. I observe you seem to be QUITE familiar with it though

          4. HG Tudor says:

            I have familiarity yes because

            1. I have secondary sources who are in the legal profession;
            2. I have solicitors who have acted/acting on my behalf – a divorce, various property transactions, commercial agreements, commercial litigation, intellectual property, international law
            thus I have an understanding of how it operates and those who operate within it. Of course my side always has the best lawyers.

          5. Ms brown says:

            I am enlightened…

          6. Rosie says:

            Can I borrow them I am going for a divorce too ha ha

          7. Ms brown says:

            but of course you have THEE best, I wouldn’t expect it any other way

          8. HG Tudor says:

            You get me, you are the only one.

      2. Ms brown says:

        indeed, Mr Tudor….

      3. Windstorm says:

        “Never ask a question if you don’t already know the answer.”
        I guess a truism is true around the world! Attorneys here say it too.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Thanks for confirming that Windstorm.

  6. k says:

    HG – By “pragmatic side taking over” I mean reason & logic overwhelming the “love/want” side. In other words….walking away regardless of how much it hurts to do so, or “not trying”

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you for expanding K. As I repeatedly mention, the application of cool, hard logic is what you ought to aim for, so this supplants emotional thinking. By adopting a pragmatic approach using cool hard logic then you will be far more successful in denying us fuel, wounding us and achieving your freedom.

      1. Rosie says:

        Would you say H G instead of arguing a point with a narcissist would it be much better to ask them to come up with solutions to problems instead of just trying to get your point across n it turning into world war 3?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Interesting point Rosie.
          I would suggest

          1. Best practice – no contact/provide no fuel
          2. Better practice – invite a solution in a constructive way and ‘butter up’ the narcissist
          3. Avoid the practice – arguing and giving fuel

          1. Rosie says:

            No way would I butter up someone like that lol that goes against my principles lol but yes no contact works the best I made sure he’s blocked me n if he unblocks me ever and contacts me again I shall take great pleasure in blocking him! Altho he has denied even dating me ha ha apparently I’m just a friend, nope I’m the “crazy ex” who sussed him out more like! Funnily enough you have a look of him x

      2. indiglowsky says:

        HG, using the DBT power! Go Captain Underpants!! Emotion mind versus logical mind is a big DBT topic.
        Using Logic mind will not only hurt the narcissist, it keeps you in the best position to make solid decisions devoid of the trappings of gooey emotion and attachment. (Emotion mind is not a bad thing, just not the best position to be in when engaged with the narcissist tango).

        Don’t forget, though, in life, we strive for “Wise” mind…the blend of both logical and emotion minds…Ommmmmmmmm ~Namaste~

        1. Ms brown says:

          Aum Namah Shivaya ૐ

          1. HG Tudor says:

            Does he play in defence for West Ham United?

          2. Rosie says:

            Least you got a sense of humour H G never loose that 😊

          3. HG Tudor says:

            Indeed I have Rosie, thank you.

          4. Ms brown says:

            you tell me…

          5. indiglowsky says:

            I love the forms of Shiva, particularly the dancing Shiva and its meaning….creator of worlds(drum in the hand–like the heart beat of life), the dance of life, the destroyer of lies(flame in hand)!!!!
            ~Very powerful~

          6. Ms brown says:

            Meditation and Hindu mantras have eased my anxiety disorders and helped me get off medications…

          7. Ms brown says:

            Encompasses: divine-love, grace, truth, and blissfulness. … traditionally, to be a powerful healing mantra for all physical and mental ailments…

  7. Rosie says:

    Narcs don’t last long around me! Wild child moon maiden! I am not an enabler! Too strong minded! Intelligent people know when to act dumb!

  8. Ms brown says:

    41 days today, N/C…. no more text hoovers either. I await the enormous Malign Hoover to totally demolish me, “kill” me… it is complicated

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are seizing the power Ms Brown.

      1. Ms brown says:

        Yes, HG, for now. When his attack comes down and I know it will, I am going to need a personal consult and an “ally” to win, or should I say “illusion of winning”, the war…. Thank you thus far

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You know where I am Ms B.

        2. TryingtoEscape says:

          His 1 on 1 consultations are incredible! Has helped me tremendously!!

      2. Joanne says:

        Lol some light teasing.. HG when you say things like “seize the power,” it reminds me of a late night infomercial of a preacher chanting into a magaphone during a gospel number.

  9. Maria says:

    If i would’ve understood that.. then i would have quit..
    i am waiting not for the golden period again, neither for a resurrected relationship and much less for the fixing of broken dreams…
    No.. I believe in waiting for something miraculous .. something that it is too small for humans’ minds.

    1. Maria says:

      * I meant :
      Something that it is too big for small human’ s minds.

  10. Broken says:

    I read it somewhere ..
    in order to get bad memories out of our mind we can use the technique by imagining a little maid that is sweeping with a grass (old broom) and get rid of all darkness. The other one is to pretend a large dog is barking on us. So in combination with HGs suggestion on just accept the though but not let it linger, and just get up and do something different. Trust me it’s hard… two years struggle but now It does start to work. I make the memories go away.. damn brain then does decide to bring up new memories never before thought of. Did you read the Exorcism book.. if not It’s vital to understand the layers of shit they infested us with. Damn bugs!
    I also consider it weed in my brain. The idiot is week and the hardest weed to get rid of (don’t know the name of it) I use pesticides every evening in my mind. Consider your brain as a garden that you need to take care of (but watch out for Ns because we know they can also go there to ruin it) weeding, watering new thoughts.
    Big hug ❤

  11. k says:

    And if we don’t try? Surely you have had a relationship where her pragmatic side took control. Have you not? Assuming that you have, I’m curious, what did you feel HG?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      How do you mean that their pragmatic side took control?

      1. ava101 says:

        *laughing tears*
        Ohhh my imagination …

  12. Broken says:

    Did it all! Then got feed up and left. Died emotionally and started a quest of healing. Travelled extensively and got a feeling it did cause injury since I could do the things he couldn’t. So I guess I pissed him off by having my life back and lived a life he is longing for. My instagram at the time filled up with fantastic beaches and adventures. Not sure he looked (created a new account and did not follow). After one year and before I deleted the account I looked at his and only a few posts for the entire year. Initial post when I left was disturbing but since then almost nothing, strange since it’s vital for his job to be seen. Told him once I don’t even look (and I didn’t nor did I look at any of his social media for a year…)
    A few weeks ago I mentioned that I thought it was a shame that he did not post anything and that I did look once when I started a new account. Of course a few days went by and a Business trip came up and suddenly after months lots of posting. I deleted mine again since I now find it boring. I want to live and not pretend to live via social media.
    So when we don’t do as they expect it does make them jealous/angry and give us the silence again. I was one of a kind and very different from his old clientele of women. Too strong and independent and he hated that. Did try to please and get in line, however that was against my nature.
    That was the last time for me. Day 11 NC and can’t wait to get him out of my head. The techniques explained in the Exorcism book does work, along with a little old maid who is sweeping (with a little broom) away the darkness of your kind in my brain.

    1. numb says:

      May I borrow that maid when you’re finished? I have removed him from my life (well so to speak, a trial lingers) but can not get him out of my head.

  13. Sympathetic1 says:

    My discard is in full view and apparent to all who know us. I have been aware of what was coming for some time now. Our careers are shared so I can’t go no contact. Can’t let is blow up. Not yet anyway…….How I wish I could. The survivor in me says RUN. Eyes wide open

  14. MLA - Clarece says:

    During the seduction, we are completely ignorant of the fact it is fiction because it is as real as love can get on our end. So yes, we will do all we can to salvage that being that you dangle hope by not granting us closure.
    That is why the “normals” can mitigate over time to a “beige” stage in their relationship. There is better communication and acceptance. There is no underlying fury erupting. Of course there’s issues. But at some point, they work together and resolve them. Or they mutually end it. That one word – closure – makes it happen.

    1. Victoria says:

      I agree 100% MLAC!
      The chaos and silent treatments were brutal-I would prefer “beige” to not knowing when that storm is coming. It takes years from your life and it’s not worth it.

      1. Rosie says:

        The silent treatment was the thing that told me something was very wrong with this person. I know it’s passive aggressive but I’m confused with you H.G. as you are very well spoken and alliterate, obviously had a good education and upbringing, would you not say the silent treatment is not just plain bad manners? Where did you learn to do this? Did someone who cared for you panic sometime coz you didn’t hear your phone and you just kind of liked to see someone suffer?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Hello Rosie, you see it as bad manners, we see it as a necessary device. It is, as ever, a question of perspective.

          1. Rosie says:

            Yes I understand that, it is a form of punishment, but do you not think it just makes us detach mentally coz we just think this person isn’t really interested. I never really connect with guys that do this to me, I just think oh well. I know when I pull away from them I get the hoover tactics, and yeah been a sucker n fallen for it a few times but I never mentally attach myself to those people. Does that not ever scare a narcissist that a woman might see that as a sign he’s not interested so they just go find someone better, guess it depends on the type of women but me personally puts me off eventually or is that what they hoping for.

  15. I love chaos. This is why I try so hard. I want to make right a wrong that was done to me many many years ago. You play the part of the predator, I play the part of the victim. I want to make you happy. The sad thing is I never learned that I can’t make anyone else happy. They have to get happiness all by themselves. I try to soothe my pain by an addictive behavior. The addictive substance is you. I repetitively keep going back to you to just try. Try and try to make you feel. To make you love me. To make me feel loved and cared for. If I can make you do that then the past is rewritten and I accomplish what I set out to do so many years ago. Love and caring by proxy. I hate that I want you and need you to complete what can never be completed inside me. I can only face that I will never have your love and approval because you are not capable of giving it. I don’t want to believe that. I want to believe you can change. I want to believe you have love in you. That I can fix you. I can’t. It’s so sad to me. I would have given you everything. You don’t want it. You don’t want me. I’m a great person, why can’t you see that? Why do you throw me away? Because someone did that to you? Someone hurt you so you must hurt me to feel superior? You are now in charge? You control the feelings. You control me. So you can feel in control of yourself. You are out of control. A little boy inside. Making sure he’s never done down by a female again. I get that. The little girl in me, doesn’t like it. The woman I am doesn’t either. I hate you, come back!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Your last sentence is most revealing.

      1. Hmmm I wonder if that’s good or bad? Actually the clothes I’m wearing are most revealing. U get me HG nobody else does.

      2. Shelly says:

        I feel just like her….

    2. MLA - Clarece says:

      Um…Wow! Inside Clarece’s head for a couple of years there before finding the blog whenever JN was giving a silent treatment.

      1. MLAC,
        This was my thinking process. Very easy to go back there and remember what it was like. I have since cut off all chaos. Reading this blog stirs up the old feelings for me. Certain articles that HG writes trigger it. I remember and then thank God I don’t have to live it anymore.

    3. Ms brown says:

      well said ABB….

  16. The Bride says:

    Though Love but very accurate. Indeed it will never ever work. Every round just gets more absurd. I have to say I notice that the Narc get’s lazier and lazier each time around. Why is that HG? Lack of interest in game playing, lack of energy investment vs expected fuel output or maybe the growing enlightenment of the empath.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Conservation of energy.

  17. Patricia says:

    Somehow I began to understand this dynamic even before I knew what he was and so I devalued him and gave him the ST. What a freeing experience that was, finally.

    1. Irie says:

      How did he respond to that ?

      1. Patricia says:

        He responded with drama. threats, increased cruelty. He would show up at my job or other places he was not invited and I was cold and uncaring towards him. Then there was a short period of feeble attempts to be kinder which were so obvious by this time. I turned the tables and used the words and behaviors he had used on me. It felt strange and mean but also so just. Then he found a new victim all the while still hoovering me with declarations of undying love and such. Sadly I am still in love with his fake self but I know SO much better now thanks to HG. The black cloud is gone.

  18. indiglowsky says:

    God damn it, typos and WordPress!!!!!!! Arrrrrrghhh!!

    Well, I’m sure you figured out what I meant above.

  19. indiglowsky says:

    Double talk here, HG. One minute you say we are at fault for disappointing you and this the commencement of devaluation. Here you say you control when, who and how long the golden period is. Honestly, neither one of us can control the other or this dynamic. It’s a reenactment of past blueprint of relationships given by our initial abusers in life. Destroy the blueprint yo find yourself and a suitable partner in life to go through its journey.

    1. Windstorm says:

      I agree, Indy. Control is an illusion. Life is chaos, and until we accept that, we will continue to be disappointed. Once we relinquish trying to control life, we find peace and can truly enjoy watching everything unfold around us.

      1. Ms brown says:

        Windstorm, I understand this to be true. It can be very difficult, however, when in the midst of the chaos, to remain centered and undisturbed… It is something I strive to master 🕉

  20. chaos says:

    I remind myself everytime..but I like to forget sometimes..
    I never liked reading in English, but I love reading whatever you write. I’m gonna start reading english books thanks to you HG lool my first will definitely be yours !

  21. Stephanie says:

    Yes, all of that, but also the fear of the smear and toxic take down. That’s why I am currently enduring the nonsense, so I don’t anger him and blow up my social, professional, and personal life. Grrrrrr.

    1. My personal and professional life were blown up by narcAllister – leave before yours gets the chance to do the same. I missed the premetive strike period and was so devastated and in shock after, I could not keep my life together sufficiently to get up off the floor fast enough. As narcAllister pointed out yesterday after telling ne our entire marriage was a lie, I have lost everything, I am nothing now, and he has no qualms about getting on with his life. I don’t figure in it. Just like that. Overnight. Even though I have his child. Get out now.

      1. Stephanie says:

        I work with him. Can’t go no contact in the current situation. Want to get by without a blow up disaster, but can’t disappear. Don’t know best way to handle this. I brace for the worst, but I’d much prefer to avoid it.

    2. Sweetsoul says:

      Having been through the discard I’d recommend you get out before it happens. Like Work Related Ok I missed the opportunity I had for a pre-emptive strike and oh so regretted it. Is there someone in your workplace you can confide in, someone who would go into bat for you should your narc decide to cause trouble? You may not be able to go no contact but you can go grey rock at work, simple business only conversation and no emotion responses.

      1. Ms brown says:

        gray rock IS effective in my experience thus far…

      2. Stephanie says:

        This is all relatively new to me, the discovery of what I am dealing with, and how to get out. I worry, perhaps erroneously so, that suddenly changing my behavior will prompt him to bring me down. Perhaps he wouldn’t, as revealing certain information would also hurt him. All of the hypotheticals make it hard for me to act decisively, or preemptively, as the case may be.
        Thank you, Work Related OK and Sweetsoul, for your feedback and advice. I appreciate the guidance.

  22. Debbie says:

    Thats why Im glad I left.
    Thanks for this article.

Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Previous article

A Good Man In a Bad Job