The Heart Hooks – No 17
This is a Heart Hook which might be used by any school of narcissist but there is one who will use it far more often than any other school and that is the Mid Range Narcissist. The Mid-Ranger, as I have explained elsewhere, is typified by significant reliance on the façade as a ‘good person’, is desperate to be liked and well thought of, is passive aggressive, utilises sulking, silent treatments and pity plays regularly and is cowardly and prefers others to do his or her dirty work. They revel in portraying themselves as a good soul who has been wounded by the evil behaviour of others. They truly believe that. In common with the narcissistic outlook that the world is a cruel and harsh place, the Mid-Range narcissist believes that he or she should be compensated and helped from having to deal with the savage vagaries of life.
When looking to seduce a new victim the Mid Range narcissist will use this line more than any other type of narcissist. This is because he or she has been hurt in the past. Of course that hurt was viewed from the narcissistic perspective and therefore the terrible wounds suffered arose from a previous victim escaping, letting the narcissist down, not doing what the Mid Ranger wanted, exposing his or her behaviours to others. That is where the hurt manifests from but the Mid Ranger will not convey the hurt in this manner. No, he will do so using the language of hurt than an empathic person will understand.
“She used to hit me. I do not know why, but she used to attack me for no reason. I did not hit back, I couldn’t, I am not like that, but imagine how that feels, being a man and having a smaller woman bruise you in that way.”
“He used to bugger me and even when I was crying he would not stop.”
“He tormented me about my weight even though he knew I was sensitive about it.”
“She put me down whenever I tried to do anything good. She just seemed to be jealous of me all of the time.”
“I opened myself up to her and she just trampled all over my heart.”
“I let him in and he tried to break me.”
The narcissist and especially the Mid Range uses this Heart Hook to establish three things:-
- To convey to the prospective victim that the narcissist has been badly hurt before and therefore needs to be look after, treated well and given sympathy and pity which of course equate as fuel;
- By demonstrating that he or she has been hurt, this disarming behaviour will not cause the prospective victim to be wary of the narcissist; and
- It compliments the victim by identifying that he or she is a kind, caring and compassionate person. Of course the victim is all of those things and knows that he or she is and consequently not only are they pleased that the narcissist recognises this they are immediately caused to set a standard to live up to in the way they engage with the narcissist.
Using this phrase or one similar to it is to convey to the prospective victim that the narcissist sees good in them and despite having been so badly hurt before, they trust the prospective victim. Of course the narcissist does not trust but conveys the idea that the prospective victim is trusted so as to accord with the empathic traits of the prospective victim. This comment is saying to the prospective victim, “I know you are good, decent, trusting and kind and I think all of those things are wonderful. I also know that you will now want to look after me, protect me and treat me right in order to live up to this standard which I have already set with regard to how you should behave. I know you want to prove yourself to me and I know you will not fall short in doing so because it is a matter of pride for you to discharge these empathic obligations in my direction.”
The narcissist comes as supposedly meek and fragile, a hurt individual in need of the soothing ministrations of the prospective victim and this person is only too happy to oblige. The prospective victim is drawn in and also provides fuel by way of compassion, sympathy and pity. Just what the Mid Range Narcissist wants and needs. It also provides the Mid Range Narcissist with a platform to explain more about how horrendously they were treated, the means by which to triangulate the former intimate primary source with the prospective replacement and also to smear the former primary source.
It should be noted that whilst this will most often be said to a prospective victim who the Mid Range Narcissist wants as their IPPS, it will also be said to those who are destined to be Shelf IPSSs or Dirty Secret IPSSs. It will be used with NISSs as well in order to engender sympathy and understanding (“My work has not been as good just recently as my confident was damaged by the tyrant of a boss I had in my previous job, but I know you will not behave like that.” Or, “I am quiet with groups because I was socially ostracised by someone who I thought was my best friend and it has made me wary of making new friends, but I sense things will be different with you, because you are different.”
This Heart Hook is an indicative pity play from the off and as such whilst used by all schools, you will find it utilised by the Mid Range Narcissists the most.
23 thoughts on “The Heart Hooks – No 17”
HG, this right here , described my ex fiancé and some of his tactics !
HG are Mid-Rangers also covert Narcs? They sound very much alike or at least that was my personal experience.
The more I read your blogs the more I see my ex was a higher mid ranger and yet covert sneaky deceitful and deserve an Emmy for his acting
Hello Jenny, I do not write in terms of covert and overt. I find the terms too wide, but a covert narcissist would roughly align with a MId Range Narcissist by my classification, yes.
Thank you for your reply HG , yes that is my feeling also
You are welcome.
Oh dear, thanks HG.
This is my ex to a tee. This so so spot on…….. hahahahaha he felt so sorry for himself, all the time. Such a hard life…… his ex didn’t understand him, his girlfriend didn’t believe him, his parents were never there for him, he got conned by his brother, and falsely accused by his sister……. such a pity party that was.
Ohh but he was so cute and sweet and loving and there was a scared little boy underneath, who just needed to feel safe and loved……. my my……. just my love and my empathy would have cured everything…….
Those were the days. And he wasn’t stalking, oh no, how could I possibly think that? No, he was just checking up on me all the time, because he needed me, and needed to know who I was with. And suprise visits at work were just that, right? Or calling my girlfriends, just checking up on me. And it wasn’t a violation of my boundaries at all when he checked my email, he just wanted to be the only one for me.
And those tears were genuine grief and sorrow, he wasn’t sorry for himself at all, how could I possibly think he was, how cruel of me. And hitting me was out of desperation, not because he enjoyed seeing me writhing in pain, and the boner must have been juuust and accident…….
HG, I think I did actually wound him when I got a laughing fit over his silent treatment, because honestly it was quiet and peaceful, don’t you? It was probably hurtful also when I suggested he had an argument with himself, because he clearly knew everything. I did offer to videotape it and upload it to YouTube. You would have enjoyed it, I’m sure, nothing more amusing than a narcissist raging at himself hahahahaha. Sadly my graceful offer was declined.
I used the silent treatment eventually to take a nice long walk with the dogs, to stop and smell the roses, and enjoy the peace and quiet. And when I disengaged emotionally and shut the gates the fuel came from…… that must have hurt.
That poor, poor baby. To think he did it all to himself. So much suffering. He stared into the abyss. This time, the abyss stared back. Be careful when you get into anything with a Super Empath. She may just unleash the Empath Supernova……… and she’s still laughing.
Thank you HG. I honestly enjoy your blog, and you had me laughing hard at the introduction where you confessed the only reason you’re doing the treatment is you enjoy writing and wish to secure the inheritance. That honesty is rare among your kind, and you are still a very bad boy, and I don’t believe you will ever cease to be a bad boy. But you provide some excellent information for me.
I will contact you shortly.
I look forward to hearing from you Dorian.
Thank You kdb, it’s actually worse than that but I don’t want to explain…a true twisted fuck..
I’ll be strong.
The twisted mind surely keeps one thinking on a daily basis. I saw your comment and my heart sunk. Thank you for replying even if it was a reminder. I wonder sometimes, how long can they keep this up for? Hurting, lying, tricking and cajoling. While I don’t blame the need to survive because it’s all they know, It’s pretty harsh to see the way it can cascade over time for either party. When does it fall apart is the question on my mind. There is so much more to living and being free. Even that makes me heavyhearted. Hope you find your willpower day to day.
That’s my latest ex.
He’s writing now that he can’t find a woman he can trust.
I could count at least FIVE other women he was triangulating me with…and they were all bad women…poor little good guy…
He’s always suffering, always in pain because of a woman. Always looking for that sweet kind soul to give all his perfect love to.
Five?! How is that even possible to keep something like that going? That must have been a circus. Finding someone he can trust? I think he has worse things to worry about than trust. I’m not sure “filling them with perfect love” is the correct or most apt analogy in this case, but that’s just me being crude. Stay strong.
Very likeable and entertaining indeed. I was always suprised how easy was for him to chat up with people. He would make a ‘best friends ‘ with hotel / restaurant staff on day one , talk to the barman till 2pm , end up getting us drinks invitation from some strangers while queuing to the bar on stand-up comedy interval. I watched with admiration.
“Of course the narcissist does not trust but conveys the idea that the prospective victim is trusted so as to accord with the empathic traits of the prospective victim”. This is quoted above.
So, you don’t trust any of your prospects? You go in skeptical? Do You ever go into a relationship thinking that you can completely trust this person?
I was wondering this myself. But skepticism can often be at the forefront of people who were damaged in relationships. Usually people heal over time but always on the level of skepticism? No one is to ever be trusted it seems.
I think HG said on one post previously that he is always skeptical of prospects.
Yes. It is my experience that the mid ranger is always ON for tertiaries, secondaries, and prospective primaries. He wants to make sure everyone thinks he is such a good guy. I remember the compliments about my mids. I had to keep a straight face when others sang their praises. “He’s such a great guy.” “You must be having so much fun”. “He’s gone through a lot, never was given a chance to have a family”. “All he wants is to find a good woman”. Yes, because the 100 before me were terrible monsters and I’m about to join their team.
Wonderful info. Tell me, HG, why this school is more desperate to be liked . I have noticed this too. I do know I dislike this school more than the other two because they are the most difficult to spot and perhaps because there are so many of them out there I simply just run into more .They are the nasty scorpions of the three schools, IMHO.
Because they feel the most vulnerable of the three schools.
Interesting HG ?
Why is this ?
Is it because the ruling and working classes have nothing to lose ? And those in the middle therefore have to try harder in that respect ?
That is part of the issue yes.
Would you say that most coverts lie in this school?
H.G, they “feel” or they are?
That was one of the exact tactics of my last Narc ex husband. To think how he played me, married me and then discarded me. What a waste of my time and energy! I am soooo happy he divorced me. I could never live up to his expectations. He became absolutely revolting to me. And when I realized that he had misrepresented himself from the beginning, WOW, was he outraged!