The Igniters of Fury – No. 1
A series that allows you to understand what are the different things that you do which are likely to ignite the fury of a narcissist. Keep in mind that different schools of narcissists have different levels of control over their fury. Use this information to understand why you have been treated to heated or cold fury and to use this information to further your own position post escape.
93 thoughts on “The Igniters of Fury – No. 1”
My ex once had a roaring argument over the fact I didn’t buy blueberries when I went shopping and I should have remembered because they were his favourite. It was huge. I was out on the street crying.
^Totally get that. Huge. Yep.
My ex once had a roaring argument over the fact I didn’t buy blueberries when I went shopping and I should have remembered because they were his favourite. It was huge. I was out on the street crying.
Towards the end ( we were married 14 years ) it became that I didn’t buy him a bagel when I bought myself one home after I’d been working all morning. He used to “work” ( he wasn’t working he was involved in a legal battle , but that’s another story) and he’d be awake till all hours and sleep all day. He didn’t have a paying job but couldn’t get off his ass to walk 5 minutes around the corner and ever get himself lunch. He’s awake. Late. Watch tv and then expect me to do everything. I’m so relieved I finally had the strength to leave. It was a nightmare. We share a 12 year old and I’m finding it hard to have the no contact. But he does just as he always has. Is nice and tries to draw me back in and then is hideous. I have to ding better ways to cope and not let it affect me. Someone off Facebook gave me this site because he says he’s been reading my Facebook , texts and emails. I’m not sure how much of that is bluff or not. I’m thinking about getting a personal consult. Because I have to find a way to cope.
Reblogged this on perfectlyfadeddelusions.
As I’m writing HG I can’t help but think of what we’ve all gone through. Are going through. Some really serious sh** has gone down hasn’t it.
This bittersweet sanctuary of yours is witness to some tales of the worst abuse imaginable yet here we are, underground. Slowly unravelling.
You offer such a critical forum in that respect – as many other bloggers in support of abuse survivors do – but you are party to some really serious issues here. You are a perpetrator too of course.
Does it ever cross your mind that your writing potentially has wider reaching ramifications than you envisaged when you first started?
Thank you VFH. Yes it has wider ramifications than I first realised.
Apparently I started a third person response trend?
I found it very cathartic Iansealan. Thanks for the avenue!
Me “Hi gorgeous, just dishing up”
Me “you ok?”
Him “I’m numb”
I’ve felt numb for ages.
You’re one of seven.
What do you mean?
What do you mean what do I mean?
What are you talking about?
I don’t love you anymore so I should leave.
What do you mean whaaat?
Er. I’m your wife? We’re married? We have a family?
Pffft. Paperwork. Bye.
That colour looks lovely on you
Hush your mouth
Come here beautiful
Change your tone
I have everything I want right here
You need some pills you do
I love you Wife
Me “This is ridiculous, I’m allowed to be cross!”
Him “I’m sorry that my behaviour has caused you to behave in a way that has made me not love you anymore.”
I stopped trying to go out in public! Either he got drunk and started a fight! Didn’t like the food! Made plans to go away on vacation and the last minute he changed his mind and stopped going on vacation all together! HG this was not my recent ex narc! I just realized this and a lot of things about another,that I’ve only told you about! Think it is time for another consult!! My god I never realized any of this!!
Him: ‘ You had a good idea to recall the memories from our weekend away with all the food and cocktails you made tonight ‘.
2 hours later..
‘ I have a bad stomach.. You sicken me’.
Me:’ Can I do something? ‘ No , it’s fine. ‘Please let me help you, I hate standing doing nothing ..’Ok, you can chop mushrooms. ‘Like that? ‘ Yes , its fine. ‘Mmmm, H! This is delicious 😋!’ . Yeah, it’s alright. The mushroom bits are a bit too chunky.
Exactly!!! That’s why I outright stopped cooking. 😂😂😂🍄
Dont say that you miss your kids
Dont say that you feel ill
Dont ever talk about another guy ever ever if just a friend
Dont say that you don’t want to go
Dont say that you are tired of listening the same music again and again
Dont say that you rather want to wear trousers instead of the dress he said
Dont say that you don’t feel like cooking
Dont order food in a restaurant if he said that we are going for desert only
Dont say he is lying EVER
Dont blame him for anything EVER
‘ Did you buy smoked or unsmoked bacon?’ . ‘Both , so you can choose ‘. ‘Ok, I hate unsmoked bacon.’ ‘Did you buy white or brown bread ? ‘ I got both, choose whichever you like’. ‘Mayonnaise ?? I have plenty at home and you should have go for a light one’.
“I bought both breads”….I’m surprised he didn’t say he was gluten free…haha!!
Haha! You cannot win with them..🤷🏻♀️
‘ After everything I did for you… I even cooked a barbecue for you!!’😡
Indy you were dammed if you did & dammed if you didn’t sweetheart x
Yes, NSS, truth. BTW, how have you been lately? Nice seeing ya!
You too Indy ! Sorry flying visit yesterday . I’m good thank you & you ? 🙂
Im well, thank you. Nearly had a “fliying visit” here in Georgia (tornado like winds came through)…I have gotten so used to it now that I am like, “OK, tornado warning in my area, cool. What’s on the teli. LOL” I used to get freaked out. No more. I have been habituated. LOL…Sort of like Narc University!
Really Indy .. ! wow
As you know I’m in the UK .. It’s May & my favorite time of the year .
The suns in my garden & the trees are full of blossom but I’d happily swap you to see tornado. ! please !
Its fab to talk to you again . 🙂
I don’t comment as often but I still read most days . x
NSS, oh the first time I saw tornado winds and heard the sirens was my first year here is Georgia. Nearly took out a neighborhood one block over and did not touch our area at all. They are scary and exciting at the same time. Sort of like bad weather exciting, like blizzards and such that we used to get in New England. You all get blizzards, right? Love em.
May flowers and gardens! What do you have in your garden? I love purple flowers of all kinds and wild flowers. I would definitely swap out! Our May season is usually pretty tame, with flowers and some afternoon sprinkles. I remember one of the reasons I moved from New England to Georgia: I came down for an interview and I saw flowers in February. I was in awe. More brilliant colors than up north, where spring has a mud season. Ick.
Always so nice seeing you too, fellow shore dweller (crossed the emotional sea 🙂
What a lovely reply Indy thank you .
Yes we have crossed the emotional sea & it’s great to others on the horizon 🙂
I don’t have much in my garden at the moment because I moved house not so long ago but the surrounding area has trees still laden with apple blossom,.I have a little stream that runs across the bottom of it which is home to a family of ducks, five baby ducklings mum & dad. 🙂 I’ve put some hanging baskets up & yes they have Purple flowers. 🙂
We do get the odd blizzard where I live but the winters recently have been pretty mild though they always seem to go on forever.. I would love to see a tornado, it’s on my things to do list 🙂
My recent ex-trickster was trained as a chef (among other things) and always served me first. Somehow, I got away with never cooking for him in 2 years, save 3 times. At first, because he loved to cook and was so good at it, I just went with it. Then he complained I never cooked. So I did, though I was nervous as he was very skilled. I had heard him previously rip his mother’s cooking apart. Sure enough, he criticized my technique and timing of cooking certain things, though slipped in some compliments on my Thai dish (one of my dishes I do well.)…however, always something could have been done differently to be more efficient and such…better timed. What the hell??? So, I stopped cooking and told him why. He of course denied ever saying such things. Ugh. I had never been so nervous in my life for cooking for someone.
Try not buying the food shop in with all his favorite foods & making him pay for Pizza when he was starving hungry 🙂
I did it for months .. ! Hahah.
I cleared the fridge out so there was absolutely nothing in it accept a tub of butter & a few slices of dry bread when it came to see me .
Obviously I’d made sure I’d eaten first 🙂
I suppose in a way that was my way of controlling it as it had always expected me to supply its food ..
I knew that taking it away then expecting it to pay for it would hurt & it did.. The consequences always followed later though .
Not hard to miss “IT” lmao!
For my own mental state of mind, Learned awhile back to not reference the narc as “MY” ex/narc. Now it’s just “the ex” or “the narc”. It helps👍
I agree Iansealan ,
I think by using ” My” it still indicates some form of attachment, I do have another name for it but I’ll save that for another day 🙂
I’m not sure if you are into old movies. I just watched Daisy Kenyon, with Joan Crawford (1947). A really well done story that shows the difficulties and pulls of a narcissistic relationship and how we can be blind to the nice guy. It was not openly labeling narcissists, but the leading man could have straight out of the upper mid/lower greater chapters of HGs writing. Quite good with and unexpected ending. It had all the characters. The IPPS, IPSS, a shelf and of course empaths and s super nova experience too! Highly recommend it! 😊
Thanks for recommendation Indy, I’ll definitely give it a go !
I keep meaning to watch American Psycho,ave you seen it ?
I have, it’s hilarious (if you like sick humor). Definitely worth the watch particularly now with HG knowledge.
We would spend two wonderful weeks on vacation. Everything fantastic !! We’d get home and within 24 hour he had a list compiled if things I did while away that made him angry.. he would then give me the silent treatment for a week . Got to the point on the way home I’d ask if there were any unsolved issue. Alway a no it was great. But within that 24 hrs after home – there was the list . Literally written down. What was this behavior about HG?
Split thinking, keeping you on your toes and destabilised, gaining fuel.
I get a call at work, “What’s for lunch?” or in his words, “What are we eating today?” I bring lunch by his job, he starts a conversation, but then cuts me off when I engage him, telling me, “Look, you are doing a lot of talking my soaps are on!” I just look at him like he has three heads, and pack up to go back to work. He grabs my arm, and tells me to stay, lunch is not over, kisses me and asks me to watch them with him. What a tool.
Referring to someone as a tool or a weapon entertains me.
I think narckedoutanjl was tying to be polite HG .
More like lying, controlling, manipulative, devil incarnate bastards would be more appropriate . .
Does that mean you call your IPPS the old battle ax? Lol.
It wasn’t what I really wanted to say, just a substitute.
I use FUCK TOOL. Is that what you subbed for lol?
How bout a blog on the lines of the narc trait “Emotional Zombie”?
After experiencing a rare “happy” event or trip, etc. together with laughing, romance, etc…(this typically only lasted for a few days)
I would often ask her how she could be like a light switch going from happy to angry bitch so easily? Her response was:
“well, I wasn’t really happy, I just wasn’t feeling anything at all”
Literally would crush me to pieces inside…
I still can’t comprehend the cold callousness of that…
I have made a note of this.
Sooo I will go with this is why he had to pick apart the meal as to I have always “served” him first.
Onions not chopped fine enough and plate thrown at the wall. Then reaching into the refrigerator and having the door slammed into me and breaking a rib. Believe me when I say it took everything not to make a sound much less cry. My pride wouldn’t let his family enjoy the moment to much.
Twilight…similarly, my children were often around when I’d made a fatal error such as making him a cappuccino instead of an espresso. He’d pull me to him for a hug saying it’s OK when I apologised….and then proceed to squeeze me so hard that i couldn’t breathe, my knees gave way and I was about to faint. Or rather lose consciousness. He saved me by holding me up of course.
I am so sorry to hear that, it is hard to keep children from witnessing things. God knows I shielded my children from many things.
I didn’t know just how much my children knew until the other day when my middle son told me he knew and he didn’t know a stronger woman then me. He hates his father for the things he did. What that family represents.
Many people don’t understand why I stayed, My question to them has always been what choice would you make at 22 and know what they can get away with and told children die in accidents all the time?
I don’t judge people, yet it does irk me when I am told I have no integrity or self esteem and any women that stays is this way.
There is always more then what is seen in the outside.
You must be so proud for your son to have said that Twilight. What a great job you’ve done in raising him. I only hope mine turn out the same….they’re so young and one particularly is very confused and finding things difficult to process.
Only today he saw a remote control monster truck in a shop window and said he wanted to buy it for Daddy (who we’ve not heard from in nearly a year – thankfully in my eyes obviously) He said he thought if he bought it for daddy then he might love him and want to see him. *heart breaks* I had to take a VERY deep breath to not say exactly what I thought of this concept.
God it’s hard being emotionally even and constructive about ‘him’ for their sakes All. The. Time.
Sometimes I just want to shout OMG your father is just a c***!!! But I know that’s not the case either. It would feel so good though. If only I had one of those memory cancelling flashlight pens like Men In Black! I could do it every day! Oh….I can dream…..
And also….about being irked. I SO get that! That look even well meaning friends give when you might have attempted to explain ‘why’. I actually mentioned the monster truck thing to a friend earlier and she said to me “Well…..why don’t you just call him then?”
I know it’s not her fault. But I REALLY just did not need to hear that.
I never saw things the way my son does, I don’t know how to give up. I find solutions. I understand why he sees things the way he does.
I understand your point.
Awareness is the issue. Many people just don’t recognize or have no knowledge to this type of abuse. It can fall under so many categories. That and sadly if it doesn’t directly involve many they may empathize but their life is what is important to them, and will chose to see things in the way it suits their perspective.
Those that have been there done that understand and can give more empathy towards each other.
This blog is amazing answers, support, and a place where one can voice their opinions freely. Sometimes examples are shown to back up what HG writes about, I have yet to find another place like this one.
Hello Twilight thanks for the reply and I appreciate your insight, anyone’s in fact who had children with their ex N, or was a child who grew up with the impact of an abusive parent. It’s all a learning curve and other people’s perspectives help to broaden mine.
Sorry if I misunderstood something though…not sure I understand what you meant about you not seeing things the way your son does? Or about giving up….did your son give up?
Likewise, I’ve not found anything else like HG’s site and only came across it after a friend sent me a link. Weirdly, despite the extensive online searching for info done in my aftermath not once did it come up.
I do revel in this blog but tread carefully as I came here thinking I was on a supertanker then got triggered all over the place and realised I was inbetween dinghy and row boat! At least I’m seaworthy though and am steadily amassing tools to deal with any leaks I spring.
My sons perspective and mine differ in many ways, he is empathic yet I have abilities he doesn’t to which alters things to a degree. He is one of the few people I actual trust. He is is very straightforward and brutally honest with me. No sugar coating in our conversations.
When I first came here I was fighting still, I have recovered. I have had no problems with recharging yet I have moments to which HG has helped tremendously with them.
Yes I do read the blog everyday and it brings joy to see so many here and finding there way out of the darkness.
What HG has created here is amazing, he is definitely one of a kind. You won’t find another like him. I believe his walk and purpose was for this. It wasn’t and isn’t a walk for the weak, I don’t agree with his methods in acquiring his fuel, yet I don’t believe he would be able to covey this message if he hadn’t become what he is. Now I hope he finds one that understands and can walk with him and encourage the more amazingly positive side he does possess.
Oh god I think I’m going to love this series !!
I saw my MN last night higher mid but aware so just slips into the greater.
I saw him the day before and told him how I was going to see a friend of mine whom he also knew fairly well. He told me to say hi to her. I didn’t of course.
When I saw him last night. I informed him I’d said hi but she couldn’t remember who he was 😂😂😂. God I know how that hurt him.
Give me more HG, give me more 💪💪👊
Haha. Thats something I would do. I say if youre going to still see them you may as well amuse yourself. Can I ask why you are still involved? Cool if youd rather say.
Cool if youd rather NOT say I meant.
Thanks NA. I’m not involved as such. I guess I reached the stage of zero impact some time ago now. HGs advice as well as learning about myself and why things have upset or hurt me in the past. Everything (well most things) are crystal clear to me in terms of why Ns behave as they do, how it is ‘supposed to make me feel’ (and used to) means there is absolutely no impact on me at all. Once you can rationalise everything in your head, you just don’t feel any pain from any of ther actions whatsoever. It’s a truly amazing place to be. But as HG describes it’s not in a numbness kind of way. Not at all. I can’t really articulate it very well but I guess it’s like a bee trying to sting you but there is just no venom in their sting. I can even ‘like’ him and how he is. I don’t go looking for revenge and I could never hurt him or any N in a really nasty way. But I do find those little things that I know to cause NI quite amusing to be honest. I wouldn’t go out if my way to do or say them, just opportunistic.
If I felt the toxicity from him that I did during the devaluation I would never even put myself in a position where it was impacting on me negatively. That was horrific absolutely the worst ever. But now, I could never go back to that. I had a period of complete NC but we frequent the same place, so I see him regularly.
I would never advocate anyone being in contact with an N at all. I have never even in my darkest days wanted revenge, it’s not my style. But I have to be honest, little wins I do find.if you reach zero impact should you interest at all but be sure you are there, otherwise it is like breathing in carbon monoxide.
I guess now I have complete control. I know exactly how his mind works, though I am always cautious of him, knowing his mind is dark and mine isn’t so you really can’t anticipate every move. It would be easy to become complacent. Hence my long term commitment to reading and re-reading all HGs work.
It sounds like you are in a very good place and that is most encouraging to others, so Im glad you are committed to being here to remain vigilant (especially because it sounds like you remain susceptible in your close proximity) while providing inspiration with your success.
You are correct in saying that revenge is not for everyone and is best avoided unless you are in a very strong position. I cant ever conceive zero impact for myself because of the way I am but I advocate it for others most definitely. I like your bee analogy-no sting, just annoying when you come from a position of strength.
Thank you for responding and I’ll see you around the blog,
Thank you NA.
I wish you all other kind hearted people all the best and pray for you to achieve zero impact.
It truly is an amazing place to be. I had issues and inner wounding before the N (like most people) and although it was a most horrific experience that I never thought I would ever come back from I am truly grateful now. I have achieve far more than I ever could have if I had not encountered this experience.
Please continue to heal and grow stronger xxx
What I have noticed is that when he gets annoyed by something I did, he would pick a fight about something not at all relating to the issue. I think this is to hide his insecurity. E.g. If I have given too much attention to his friend, he would fight with me about leaving the window open yesterday. What is the reason for this HG?
It is done to perplex you. You are left wondering why he is getting so annoyed about such a trivial matter so your confusion and bewilderment increase your fuel output.
This made me laugh. My Dad was always like that with my Mum.
Crazy fuckers these narcs
I’m not crazy.
Of course not you . I don’t regard you as just any narc.
I am pleased to read that.
Obviously not crazy! Intelligent, smart, witty, patient with comments, dedicated, dilligent, hard-working, well spoken, attractive accent, charming…
The next time they contact us we should go all out with an amnesia kick. “Who’s this?”
“I’ve never spoken to you before”
“I don’t know you”
I think they all totally shy away from real conflict.
Paper plates for you lot then 😂
Just imagine the shit that will cause lol
SVR and Hurt.
Good idea and yes.
N: Paper plates are for the great unwashed!
E: (with big smile and enthusiasm) Yes!!! Now let me grab one and fix you a plate.
Now hold a perplexed look but laugh diabolically inside while the paper frisbee fails to make any noise when it hits the wall.
“Hello”? Hi honey😊, was just giving you a ring to let you know I’m going to be home late…I need to finish this proposal tonight, it’s very important. Probably going to take a couple more hours and I picked up something to eat. “Well, you know I made your favorite dinner, right?”. Ahh sorry hun , we can have it tomorrow night, ok? “(Sigh)…Alright”
Walking by the trash cans the next morning on the way out…
Hmm? what’s that strange smell?
“Did you see I bought you your favorite ice cream? You know the one I can’t stand…Would you like some”? No thank you, I’m stuffed. I’ll have some later. Two nights later, after scouring the freezer to no avail…Hey hun, where’s that ice cream you bought me? Can’t seem to find it. “Hmmm? that’s strange, it should be in there”
“Why did you order that drink for me while I was away in the restroom? (for 25 mins) You should know by now I don’t like those! You drink it, I’ll order my own” (Last time we were here, she told me, “yum!, this is the best drink I’ve ever tasted”. (on top of that, she knows I hate them) Arrgghh.
Ha, they have to have a good memory to be able to lie so effectively. Must’ve been a lesser narc. You’d never catch HG out in that sense – he’s far too good
that is annoying
A few more igniters…
Do not sit down at the table and start eating before they do.
Do not ever, ever make a surprise dinner, which menu might include a scrumptous dish that’s tastier than something they make.
When ordering at a restaurant, Do not ever suggest or offer an opinion on a certain item. (obviously, that is telling them what to order)
In addition, Do not offer to split an order(mine is mine, yours is yours)
Attempting any of the above in public with a voice louder than a whisper is an insult as everyone in the place has their eyes and ears on you.
“I am not here for the food, I’m here for the experience. Now, can we talk more about the weather?”
“I don’t care how good the food is at that quaint little romantic place down the street, we might as well just eat in the backyard!”
“Lets go sit by that nice fire pit, the music is better there” (huh??)
“There’s no way I’m stepping foot into that Mexican restaurant! Can’t you see I’m wearing a dress specifically for surf n turf!!”
“I know we’re an hour late for the dinner party! It was soo hard to find the right earrings!….Just keep circling the parking lot until a spot up front opens up!” (what?)
Tip of the iceberg…many more to come. Ha!
Ha! Genius. I am sooooo going out to buy a surf and turf dress.
Oh no! Food topic…ahhh!
Don’t ever open a bottle of wine and pour YOURSELF a glass first!!
Don’t even make a gesture…as that will ignite as well! 😜
I know the ignighters very well as I have unknowingly triggered them. Anxiously awaiting your “how-to” on achieving No Impact.
Would you be so kind as to tell me why I still feel a connection to my narc even though we are separated by hundreds of miles? He’ll text me on Valentine’s Day, for instance, and I am hoovered, even without physical contact and no further word from him for months. I guess why isn’t important. I just need to know how to make the agonizing angst stop.
It is the emotional infection. See the book Exorcism for more.
Thank you HG, I will.
Great series! Looking fwd to more!
Narc food stories. I like. Here’s a few to ideas on how to be narc-ish.
1. A narcissist is at a wedding and starts eating from the buffet before the guests are called by table. Loudly taking lids off during toast. When questioned says the food shouldn’t have been out if they didn’t want people to eat.
2. They are served secondly and literally chew the food and spit it back onto the plate with a loud complaint about how terrible it tastes. Entire table just looks at each other.
3. Throws the whole plate of food across the room hitting the wall in front of the entire family, getting up and walking out without saying anything.
4. Narcissist holds bbq with 80 people. Makes announcement that he would like to lead everyone in prayer before we eat. Narc is not religious but okay. Proceeds to pray out loud and stops in the middle for about 30 seconds, making people very uncomfortable, (me peeking to see if he dropped dead) and then ending abruptly in a quick amen. Huh? When questioned by his wife said, “what are you talking about I ended it and nobody did anything so I waited and said amen again. People don’t pay attention.”
Just think these lovely examples are being done somewhere right this minute.
If only HG would have been around sooner. *sighs*
While this isn’t funny, it made me laugh because I’ve been there.
80 people missed him say Amen, very inattentive people!
I need to know this. I’ve always been told that my words cut like a knife. That I am critical, and throw things up in his face, but its always to retaliate or protect myself after being cut down and treated a certain way. With them it’s always one-sided-what you do to hurt them. I remember so many times my feelings were hurt, but I never said anything; I wore the hurt like a crown. They can do a million things to you, but if you do one thing to hurt them it’s like the end of the world. I know some things that I did that ignited fury: I stopped preparing 3 meals a day for him when I was mad, and criticized his obsession with work and money (that hurt and made him furious because he was broke and hungry, yet pretending to be wealthy). Truth from him could have changed so many of the things I said and did. Oh well.
Wouldn’t you rather have adventure than the truth? Imagine the frame of mind and the peace that comes with letting go of everything we ‘thought’ we knew, and just ‘be’ – in the nicest most uplifting way possible.
Weird Al’s ‘Everything We Know Is Wrong’ song springs to mind
SarahJane I like both. I don’t know how to just be. I think if I did I would never need sites like this. Never heard the Weird Al song, with what I know about his parody songs, I know it will be funny.