Where’s My Hoover?

where's my hoover

 

The hoover. The useful word that is utilised to describe the classic move of our kind to bring you back under our control, our spell and into our world once again. Of course we apply several different hoovers during the course of your entanglement with us, but let’s focus on the hoover which takes place following the cessation of the formal relationship between you and our kind. When I make reference to the formal relationship, I mean the concept (in your world) of you and us being together as intimate partners. Of course in our world, the relationship will last forever because of the unwritten contract you unwittingly entered into when you became entangled with us. This means we are entitled to draw fuel from you until such time as one of us draws our last breath and in that sense there is this Narcissistic Relationship and then there is the Formal Relationship, the latter being the conventional perception of when two people are involved with one another. Accordingly, once the Formal Relationship has come to an end, either through your escape or more frequently through the discard, there are then three potential hoovers which can occur.

  1. The Initial Grand Hoover;
  2. The Benign Follow-up Hoover; and
  3. The Malign Follow-up Hoover

You find yourself in the situation that the Formal Relationship has ended but where is the hoover? You have perhaps realised what you have been involved with and undertaken some reading and there is repeated mention of this hoover which is meant to happen but so far there has been nothing? Why is that? How come you have not been hoovered by your narcissist? Many of you would be delighted to find yourself in such a position, able to focus on yourself rather than worrying about being confronted by our kind and subjected to a hoover. The apparent failure of our kind to hoover however does cause victims to, in accordance with their nature, to then wonder why this has not happened and in turn blame themselves.

“He hasn’t hoovered me. He obviously doesn’t think I am worth wanting back.”

“I haven’t heard anything from him. I feel cheated that he hasn’t tried to hoover me.”

“I want him to hoover me. There are things I want to say to him now I know better what has happened.”

“There hasn’t been a hoover. That makes me feel invalidated.”

“He has been silent. I want him to win me back.”

Accordingly, if no hoover has been forthcoming you are still left feeling bewildered and miserable. The effects of our behaviour are far-reaching indeed. It may appear odd to the external observer that you would want to have interaction again with someone who has abused you, but there are several reasons why victims want that hoover to happen.

  1. You want the Formal Relationship to begin again. You are still caught up in the emotional sea of believing that things can be put right, that somehow the problems that occurred can be overcome and fixed. If we hoover you, you will willingly submit so we are together again.
  2. An opportunity to resist the hoover in order to let our kind know that you are not to be messed with anymore. A statement of intent, if you will.
  3. A chance to get things off your chest. You want to say your piece to us. It is often a case of asking “why” but you may also want to lash out at us as a consequence of the way you have been treated.
  4. An opportunity to let us know that you know what we are. That occasion to look us in the eye and tell us you know precisely what we are in order to gauge our reaction to this revelation and empowerment on your part.
  5. To tie up loose ends. There may be financial matters outstanding, there might be possessions to hand over, post and so on.
  6. The chance to be validated. Surely if we meant all those things we said during the golden period then we must want you again. That has to be right hasn’t it?

Subject to the school of narcissist you are dealing with, we have varying degrees of awareness about these factors which means we know that you are susceptible to our potential hoover and that it may well meet with success, leaving aside other factors such as the type of narcissist we are and the effort we will expend on the hoover.

You want the hoover to happen, but it does not appear to have taken place. Why is that?

  1. You may have been hoovered but not realised. The post escape/discard hoovers are not just there to bring you back to us. Sometimes we do not want that to happen but we would rather obtain fuel from you.
  2. The Initial Grand Hoover is always deployed to win you back and resume the Formal Relationship;
  3. The Benign Follow-Up Hoover (which comes after the IGH) may seek the resumption of the Formal Relationship but is also deployed purely to draw positive fuel from you and/or to fact find;
  4. The Malign Hoover seeks only to draw negative fuel

Accordingly, two out of the three post escape/discard hoovers may purely be about drawing fuel from you or fact-finding. Thus, if you think that a hoover is only about starting the relationship again you may have not thought that the telephone call which came from our number but we did not speak when you answered was not a hoover. It was. Fuel would have been drawn from the manner in which you answered (a nervous hello, an angry answer or a hopeful salutation) but it was also done to fact find. Would you answer? How would you answer? This is then used to formulate the nature of further hoovers. The sending of an invitation to sign up to a particular application does not cause the resumption of the Formal Relationship but it may draw Thought Fuel and is certainly a fact finding step designed to see how you will respond. Accordingly, you may well have been hoovered but not realised it.

  1. The hoover may not actually come from us. You may be hoovered by proxy through one of our lieutenants or a member of our coterie asking you questions about what you are up to, whether you have thought about us, how you are getting on and so forth. This information along with your reaction will be relayed to us and we gather fuel and a fact find from it.
  2. We may have contacted you directly and been charming but not encouraged you to come back to us or we may have been nasty. Either way, these are hoovers and are designed to draw fuel from you even though there was no attempt to start the Formal Relationship again.
  3. You may not actually be giving us any opportunity to hoover you. There are two instances when this arises: –
  4. You are contacting us so often and repeatedly in order to get answers and/or start the relationship again that we do not need to hoover you. You won’t leave us alone.
  5. You have placed yourself in a position whereby we are not able to contact you at all.
  6. It is too early. When you have been discarded we are infatuated and pre-occupied with your replacement as primary source of fuel. Therefore, we have no need to hoover you. We are focused on this person and they are meeting our fuel needs. You have been deleted from our mind and therefore there is no need for us to hoover you. This could last for a number of months before you even pop into our heads again. Many victims expect the hoover to happen within a week or so of discard. This might happen but it is more often the case that a longer time period will elapse between discard and hoover.
  7. You remain out of the spheres of influence. You do not do anything to come up on our radar. You either have not appeared in our sixth sphere of influence (our thoughts) yet or if you have we may have decided against instigating a hoover because it is less feasible, the energy involved is not something we wish to expend or we may have an alternative person to hoover who is a better prospect than you (for example the ex before you who lives nearer to us).

Thus there are many reasons why that hoover has not yet happened. Can you make a hoover happen? Yes, you can. If you want it to happen, you are best designing a way to enter one of our spheres of influence but understand, for the reasons outlined above, it may not happen when you want it to, but it will at some point. After all, in accordance with our total desire for control, we want the hoover to be when we decide, not you.

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93 thoughts on “Where’s My Hoover?”

  1. Love the hoover posts.

    It baffles me as to how you can ‘delete’ us from your minds, after spending months/years of regular contact. I imagine there’s more to it than that, but you can’t be seen to be ‘missing’ anyone, eh

    If we really all were appliances/objects, you wouldn’t need to exert yourselves to the extent that you do to secure the supply. You must sit and reminisce like we do, occasionally…in a different context?

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  2. I really feel like an object right now. The same feeling I had with my ex (hate to call him that) in the last couple of months of our “interaction”.
    Sometimes I get these feelings from him. No idea if it’s just my imagination or if I am still tuned to him and I can still feel what he feels.
    Yesterday I felt he was in pain and confusion. I have been deserting his writings and I know it’s painful to him.
    I was a comfort, always there, always waiting to receive his word….as he was some sort of Jesus to me.
    All that it’s gone.
    What was really getting to me was his mask of a poor defenceless little boy, scared of being hurt.
    It was a truly disarming one and one of the main reason why I can’t get close to him.

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    1. I’ve had the same experience Gulia. That is still do, I still feel what he feels, I hear him calling my name and crying, every day. It’s been like this for the last five years. Like we are connected by something invisible and permanent, and there’s no escape.

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      1. ED
        Can you expand on what you are experiencing with hearing your name being called and his crying?
        I mean no offense just curious on your perspective and how this is occurring for you.

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      2. Yea.. I can. Gulia is the first empath who expressed the same thing happen so far.
        I know it’s real because he confirmed this is happening to him too,he can feel me and hear me. He told me it has a therapeutic effect on him, and has taken him off of the brink many times.
        I hear him say: I need her, I love her, I love you.. At times he will talk to himself when he feels I’m not tuned in, yet I am. Then he asked me what is I love you in my language, and he’s been using it ever since instead of English.
        Sometimes I feel like he’s completely inside me, like he’s taken over my mind, my heart, my soul. It’s a very good experience, the way he sends these thoughts, they are enveloped in emotion, and his ‘voice’. It’s a warm sensation, that has helped me thru some rough times. All I need to do is to tune in.
        But you see, that doesn’t keep him from hurting me. He doesn’t feel empathy. In his mind hurting me equals expressing his love, and a possession of me. So he will triangulate me, give ST, etc.

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      3. ED
        I am a little confused in what you have written. You stated Gulia is the first empath who has expressed the same thing happen so far. Then stated in your last paragraph that it doesn’t keep him from hurting you as to he doesn’t feel empathy.

        I have some more questions if you wouldn’t mind answering them.

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      4. What other experiences do you have? You made a comment (maybe being sarcastic) about the universe and being amongst the stars.

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      5. ED
        I understand you original comment was that another here made reference to this same experience you have.

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      6. No, why would I be crying?
        I just saw another’s name and thought maybe you just misspelled their name and was speaking of their experiences due to the similarities of your comment to theirs.
        My mistake, a twisting of words it seems it could be

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      7. I know, some weird things happen. I don’t know how but They are real. It’s either that or I’ve been heavily spied on for the past five years. Whatever it is, it’s nothing good.

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      8. Sounds like jane eyre lol i do get that tho. Ive had a connection like that as well. I can only explain it as psychic perhaps. Sounds far fetched but i can relate to that. Ive had the same with family members and a good friend of mine. Id be thinking about them quite a bit only to find out something had happened or they call me and i know its them calling before picking up. Not something i can explain but its happened quite a few times.

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      9. You are the lady trolling Serena Nightshade and sucking up to Family Tree guy…Oh dear

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      10. E D and Giulia,
        I have felt that with narcissists, too. Of course I may well be crazy – or eccentric as my friends like to say – but I truly believe there really is a permanent bond between me and my various narcissists. While I know that they are narcissists and neither love nor really care about me like normal people do, I really believe there is a permanent bond between us, that our relationship is until one of us dies and that we are really soulmates (not soulmates in the romantic sense, but that our souls are connected unbreakably). I often feel an emotional connection that one of them is having a hard time in some way or is thinking about me. I have even at times wished hard that they would contact me and they have, even if we have not spoken for some time. I see this as a positive thing. I never think that there is no escape for me, rather it is empowering. I have something that they need, that I can provide (from a place of personal power on my part). As an empathic and spiritual person this appeals to me. Maybe always being there as a support to these people is part of why I am here on earth. Again, maybe I am crazy, but my take on this is God made the crazy as well as the sane – and also the narcissists.

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      11. Twilight, I don’t really know what if anything they have felt before we met. I never feel anything in advance. I do know that it is often a bond at first sight for me and seemingly for them as well. It is not a romantic thing and it’s not some narc mirroring, bc I have felt this for some non-narcs as well, both men and women and occasionally children. It seems sort of like a soul connection.

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      12. Windstorm2
        What you have describe is what I see as a moment. We are all connected some completely in tuned, some with a sensitivity and moments of where you see this “connection” , unaffected (normals) then those that have breaks like an electric cord that has started being cut some just barely to almost completely cut thru (narcissist/sociopaths/psychopath etc). We are nothing but energy so there is always a connection even if it is barely there.
        People can empathize and not be empathic yet an HSP is always an empath. And can vary, just like a person can be narcissistic and not be sociopathic/psychopathic but a sociopathic/ psychopathic is Narcissist to. Then add one that is completely “in tune” with this negative side you add Machiavellian and/or sadistic side.
        I believe there is a balance and cycle to things, just like night and day it is only in the twilight they are equal and can met as one.
        From chaos and destruction will come beauty it always has and always will. It is a matter of letting the energy flow and not hold so tightly to that what was never meant to hold in to. Why Empaths get so stuck and understandably why, we are healers, once we understand it becomes easier to let this energy go.

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      13. Twilight, I had no idea what an HSP was so I of course googled it. Took an online “Are you an HSP?” quiz and had a yes to every question. I am very intrigued and will do more research. Thank you very much for your comment. 😊

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      14. Windstorm2
        Your welcome, do you experience any other things? I am just curious, if you don’t want to say I understand.
        I am familiar with being bonded (as I call it) to one for a very long time.

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      15. That’s difficult to answer, Twilight, since I have no idea what in my life is different or unusual. I’m a very spiritual person. I feel a strong link to a source of spiritual power I call God. I can feel the energy of places and draw tremendous energy from my environment and the weather. I don’t think I have any special powers though. I just notice things. Most people I know are so caught up in their personal agenda and activities that they don’t see and feel things around them. Plus most people seem much more tuned in to other people, where I am more tuned in to my environment. Don’t know if that answers your question.

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      16. It does, I also understand what you are saying. I am very much in tuned with nature and much more, if I could give my abilities away I would.
        Can you tell when a storm is coming or get antsy and then something happens in nature? Can you feel animals to?

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      17. I feel excited whenever the weather is changing. I can always feel when a front begins to move in. I absolutely love storms of all kinds! I often sleep on my screened in porch so I can feel and hear the wind and rain.
        I feel a strong affinity to all animals. I’ve been a vegetarian most of my life and have set up my garden as a wildlife sanctuary. In some ways I feel more empathy for other animals than I do humans. It can upset me for days to hit a bird or squirrel with the car. I’ve had strong bonds with several dogs and cats. I often feel that I can read the emotions of many animals, but that’s probably a combination of body language and experience.
        I feel energy from plants as well. I love being around any trees and can sense a difference in the energy of trees and annuals. Even dead things, plants and animals, give off an energy as they decay. It’s like you said, everything is energy.
        You said you would give away your abilities. I would not. Feeling the energies of weather, plants and animals and the feeling of connectedness to people and animals give me tremendous amounts of joy and contentment – no matter what kind of chaos is going on in my family or work. I can see beauty and find joy in literally any situation. I wouldn’t trade that for anything!

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      18. Lol windstorm2
        I completely understand what you are saying I have stood outside in the middle of a thunderstorm the power that is swirling around is exciting. I have gone out in hurricanes just to feel the raw energy. I love the feel of rain against my skin, walking through the woods. Spring is amazing to feel everything waking up. I came upon a fawn last spring and sat there petting it once when I was out.
        The reason why I would give mine up is because I am so in tuned with everything. People, places, objects, nature etc. It is like having your tv, computer, radio, phone and iPad sending information at all times.
        I would like to experience what I believe would be silence.

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      19. Twilight,
        Ha, ha! That made me laugh! I avoid complete silence like the plague! I have severe tinnitus from too many years of shooting without ear protection. If there is not some type of background noise to focus on, the ringing in my ears drives me crazy.
        But I understand your point. For me it’s the opposite. I grew up alone on a farm with two narc parents. I spent my childhood hiding out by myself. I was so desperately lonely and unhappy, I think that’s what drove me to open up to the environment around me and focus in on the life and energy there. That and my spirituality was my solution to my loneliness. It’s served me well for nearly 60 years. And as they say, “If it works, don’t fix it.”
        Hope you’re having a nice day! I’m doing my paperwork on my porch under the trees. 😉

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      20. Windstorm2
        I grew up alone to, yet never felt alone. I worked in my abilities to which is one reason why I believe now I wish for silence, I was alone and needed to be connected in some way.
        You know that saying be careful of what you wish for, actually no bring the silence in the form of ……
        My day is just starting, paperwork in my office then customers and crew later. Looking forward to the weekend and rest and a get together.
        Your day sounds so peaceful, paperwork, trees and fresh air perfect!

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      21. I think a cord cutting ceremony is in order (Wiccan and other traditions). Yes, in the spiritual world some think these are earth lessons, bonds we created with them to evolve into stronger spirits. Not that I advocate purposely having this relationship, just things I’ve heard in the spiritual readings. I know I learned to stand up for myself, say no, draw boundaries and live myself more because of the issues that came to light due to those experiences with narcissists and healing from the abuse.

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      22. Not sure I understand you, Indy. I have usually found these bonds to be a source of strength. Over the decades some have fallen by the wayside on their own, but I have never felt a need to cut one. I guess it would depend on the effect it is having on the people involved. I certainly can see the need to cut the bond if you’re trying to go no contact.

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      23. I’ve just discovered Serena Nightshade and have now watched 4 videos. Terms such as “innocent/quality child” (refering to herself I suspect), “subpar victims” (this includes codependents, borderlines and inverted narcissists apparently) etc do rather reek of heavy duty narcissism, as does her delivery. Her poem and swimming in a wedding dress videos are something else 🙁
        Yup, she’s a narc. I’ve just googled her to see if others have commented on this. Emotion Detective seems pretty ‘out-there’ but she’s the first I’ve found, and she’s right.

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    2. Giulia, I have recognized childish “little boy” tendencies in my narcs too. One of them I even nicknamed Manchild. You might enjoy this article by Sam Vaknin, “The Narcissist as Eternal Child.” http://samvak.tripod.com/journal92.html …I also see this come through in some of HG’s writings, such as Tirade, and explanations as to the triggers of fury. Reactions of a toddler or young child in a grown up body.

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    3. Reason why he feels confusion and is crying is because you’ve tried to shut the connection down, not think about him. I’ve tried many times, I’m tired, exhausted in fact. I stopped tuning in, and receiving.
      He knows why, and he understands. He keeps trying though.
      I think this is the reason I’ve been forgetting things, I’m afraid if I don’t stop it I’ll lose my mind.

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      1. ED, to end the connection you must tune in to something else or someone else. The more you think about him the stronger it gets.
        Twilight, I don’t understand what you mean, feeling a connection before actually meeting the person or if it happened before with someone else? My answer is no and yes. It happened before, with someone else , he wasn’t a narc whatsoever….and the strongest connection I ever had, the true meaning of life itself revealed. Sometimes life gives you the right person and then takes it away from you.
        Anyhow, this narc I hung out with, he could right detailed descriptions of some dreams I had….without me saying a word. So, it was scary at times. If you add that you are dealing with an impostor, it’s not easy to shut down. But maybe the point here is that some narcs are capable to connect and they do, its’ just that something is missing: emotions and humanity.

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  3. Is him liking a picture on my Instagram considered a hoover? That’s pretty much all I have gotten since HE asked ME to not talk to him! LOL. Yes you heard that right. He discarded me in the most polite charming way possible. “I love you Gabrielle, and if you love me you will agree that we must not talk for awhile, I need space…” and so on. Then a week later he likes a picture. That was about 2 months ago and it has been silent.

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      1. Would that be considered a benign Hoover? If he asked me repeatedly to not reach out to him why would he bother liking a picture? to try to see if I contact him anyway? Even though he asked me not to reach out? Wait a minute now I’m confused. Which is exactly where he wants me to be isn’t that right? I think I just answered my own question. Gahhhhh head desk!

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  4. I tried to trigger a hoover from my ex to test these theories out and sure enough after I went to an old hang out of ours with a former ex that I know he hates and we were seen by his lieutenant, I started getting crazy texts. I didn’t realize it because the messages are blocked but I got a phone call from a private number the other day and checked my blocked messages folder and he had been texting for two weeks. 😀 I foolishly broke nc to tell him the dog was fine and tell him my personal life was none of his concern. That triggered another flood of texts ranging from “I’m sorry for ruining us” to “You Dumb dizzy bitch”. He even managed a “I still love and care about you”. I replied to that one with “Yes, I could feel the love every time you were choking me out, bitch”. Ah memories. He then sent accidental texts that were meant for his new supply who he apparently lives with. Poor her. The texts reeked of control and could be carbon copies of ones he had sent me. So glad I am armed with the knowledge that HG has supplied. Thank you so much. I am sure he would have succeeded long ago had I not found this site.

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  5. HG,
    I left my N ex with a text using diff parts of your blogs. Saying he’s a fraud and so forth. Letting him know I won’t be forwarding my mail (truth) when I move and not to call the post office as I will keep them abreast of what’s going on AND closed it off that he’s evil. Do you think this ahole will still try to Hoover me?

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  6. I remember last year in July when I left, I prepared for Hoover time and had this same question about a month out, where is my Hoover and started doubting my value and it was also my litmus test on whether he was really a narcissist or just a self centered alcoholic with possible other things. I wanted that validation, regardless how misplaced it was. Then, at 8 weeks, when I felt more settled and free and in no contact, he hit and hit hard. It made me wish I never wished to be hoovered. It was partially my fault, as I left a lot of my things purposefully at his house, to make him hurt and miss me after I escaped him. I thought, well this ever presence thing can go both ways. I hit subtle revenge too early and it worsened the intensity of the hoovers. So, now I’m enjoying the longest period of no contact and glad to start healing and returning of “me”. I still have periods where I doubt ever hearing from him again as I wounded him pretty good to discourage further attempts. I think it’s my mind going into denial of the fact that he thinks of me as a possession, not a free human with choices. It’s hard some days to comprehend what we do not experience or perceive ourselves (narc-perspective). Being here and reading HGs accounts helps remind me that that is one of the issues, differing values, perspectives and methods that keep me from clear view. Getting clearer by the month! Grateful, so grateful.

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    1. Mhm. Mine still talked to me like he owned me when I broke nc this week, and I kicked him out 5 months ago today. Even rewrote history saying he let me go to fix my marriage. Uhm, I kicked your crazy out for being a pscyhopath. You didn’t let me go. 😀 I feel sorry for the new supply. I’m guessing the golden period is coming to an end. The texts he accidentally sent me that were to her were already tinged with his authoritarian, control freak edge. Gave me chills reading them and triggered a short panic attack. Back to no contact now. I saw what I needed to see. Validation that he is exactly what I thought he was. I know some give HG grief but he is helping a lot of people.

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      1. Hi Kantanon666,
        Good for you for getting back to No Contact. It often takes multiple tries. Sometimes we need a closure conversation, even if they do not give it. Indeed the different storylines they tell themselves, even trying to discredit our courage for leaving (because they couldn’t handle the wounding from it), is infuriating. We open up ourselves to all sorts of mind games with every text, voicemail and brief conversation. Insidious, though it may at first seem harmless, it does damage.

        It sounds like it was the confirmation you needed to see he sees you in an objectified manner. A gift in disguise. I agree, HG was a “god send”, as odd as that sounds lol. Healing in the most unexpected places and from the least expected individual. Makes it a pretty cool journey, as painful and terrifying as it can be. We are the lucky ones on the other side.

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      2. It’s funny, no matter how sure we are that they are what they are we always want validation for our suspicions. I guess deep down I always knew he was too good to be true. I even told him that in the beginning. He just smiled that unnerving perfect smile and hushed me…In my weaker moments I envy her the golden period she is enjoying now. His love bombing and the sex. It still hurts. No matter how hardened I thought I was but I will never go back. He will kill me if I do and I know that. No contact is best but I was feeling over confident and was spreading my wings to see what power I possessed now. I learned what I wanted to learn but also learned things I would rather not have. I handled it pretty well all in all but I couldn’t resist telling him I hated him. 😀

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    2. I had a same doubts Indy. If he is a narcissist why is he not hoovering me? Am I not even worth a hoover? Although I understand it’s most probably due to No 7. I feel and look better but still not 100% , I need more time to recover and so I’m gonna use this period of silence to armed myself and gain more knowledge and understanding.

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      1. Hi KT,
        I wounded him by escaping and went no contact. He was drunk in a binge alcohol relapse and I did it to his face when he barely could stand without head pain from his hangover.he could not stop me. At the end of August, HG helped me through a Hoover frenzy. He called texted and emailed relentlessly. He texted and left messages at a rate of about 50 to 100 texts a day and 50 calls a day about. It was for a week when I was out of town on vacation . The Messages alternated between malign and benign Hoover’s. From “I love you please come back”, “I’ll change” blah blah to “I’m going to break in your apartment if you don’t answer the door” to “I’m going to kidnap your cat” to “I’m going to show up at your job”. My son change the locks to my apartment for me while I was out of town to keep him out. We thought he got in and got my kitty as he was missing and actually he was hiding. When I came home and saw my cat, I cried for joy. He knew I was previously stalked and had my safety threatened before.. I called him after a week of this to arrange sending a gate key back to him, as he said he needed it and I also called to tell him I will never return, and if he doesn’t stop I’ll call the police. I was calmly firm during this call. He was crying, apologizing, declaring live on and on. I did not reciprocate. I remembered HGs advice on fuel. After I hung up, of course I cried but not during that damn call! Lol he hoovered (benign) again one month later during a funeral, (saying he missed me in messages)had his mother and father Hoover another month later( benign texts), and he did one last time during last xmas)missing me texts). Not a peep from me during all of them.

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      2. Wow you are so strong. But I really liked that you gave him a taste of his own medicine.

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      3. Hi Alexis =)~
        No, he did not physically abuse me ever and his intellect was high (I think I dig a lot in men). He is an upper midranger, likely elite though more cerebral than somatic though he did like his brand name clothing, foods and cars. He also was into his hair, though his use of withholding sex early on made me think he was more cerebral along with his brainy ways. I had never left him previously, so I was never hovered previously by him. He was psychologically and emotional abusive and used silent treatment, gaslighting, constant lying, and such. Gas lighting was his favorite technique. He tried to freqnetly triangulat me, though realized quickly that I did not get jealous easily, thus he stopped making ex references…hahahha….
        I was with him for almost 2 years and engaged.

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      4. IQ used to be my thing, my whole life really, so attracted to high IQ, still am BUT now I go for EQ. it’s tough, I regress but I’ve gotta have EQ.

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  7. I fear the Hoovers, all malign, and avoid them at all costs (literally) because now I know what they really are (thx HG)

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  8. I was so desperate for his hoovers for a very long time. It came (I was in his sphere of influence) it was nasty. Months of texting with sorts and want to meet. It took a while .. we meet and he thought the golden period was back.. HE not me.. since I was still hurt, pissed and had many questions. So back in the shelf, terrible months of fights via text.. then I was back as a Maria … bam!!! Hoovers are back and the fuel I gave him was enormous!! Unfortunately I was hurt again and again since he is all full of shit and such an empty soul! Last Hoover was last week.. he want to see me and miss what we did together… but now when I have HG’s books I see right through him. Kind of fun actually.. like a checklist of shit is coming my way. I gave fuel but the revenge book is awesome… so I did hurt him quite alot before NC. Heard he is in major difficulties and is suffering bad! Thanks… I hate to see someone suffer .. but karma … oh karma

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  9. Great stuff, HG!
    “It may appear odd to the external observer that you would want to have interaction again with someone who has abused you, but there are several reasons why victims want that hoover to happen.”
    People couldn’t understand why I took his calls, got dressed up for school events, let him sit next to me at our child’s sporting events, etc. This is the first time I’m admitting it…I had unfinished business with him. “Look what you gave up”, “Invite me over so I can turn you down”.

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  10. HG, I have been hoovered. Last week a malign hoover on his Twitter page referring to me although my name was not mentioned. Today a text that says How are you. I replied by saying well and you? Nothing further from him. What does this mean and what can I expect?

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    1. After almost 3 torturous months of silent treatment/ disengagement another hoover today. I was unblocked on whatsapp and he sends a message saying: I hope you will behave from now onwards. I said Hi, and he went silent again. Why am I ecstatic even after everything I know?!
      HG what can I expect from here onwards?

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      1. HG after he went silent he started to chat again later the evening as if nothing happened. Told me about what is going on in his life and enquiring about mine. Why did I reply to him?? You know why, we discussed this in the consultation. I was dying to be hoovered! So what can I expect from here onwards?

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    2. He was testing to see if you responded. You did. He also saw you responded pleasantly. The Hoover Bar has been lowered. Expect further hoovers.

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      1. HG, is that type of wimpy, almost fearful type of Hoover typical of midlevels? I ask because that’s the type of totally useless messages I often get from my Moron in Munich. I had thought he was particularly pathetic, but maybe he’s more typical for a mid ranger and just gun shy (i.e. inept).

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      2. I don’t like to hate anyone, but I find them wimpy and worthless. Here in my culture, my family narcs would all just laugh and make fun of them for not being “real” men. I mean seriously! What kind of a man makes an overture to a woman, then retreats when she makes a positive response?!?

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  11. My ex’s mother died recently. At the funeral, he took my adult son (his stepson) aside and told him that he still loves him and my other son and that he still cares about me. Is that a hoover?

    When my son told me this, I just said “he doesn’t give a crap about anyone”.

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  12. When he hoovered me, he sounded so sad in his voicemails, frantic almost. Yet i resisted for two months. After two months, i gave in. I felt so sorry for him and couldn’t see him in pain any longer.

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      1. KT, he asked if we could be best friends. I told him what i thought of him at the time (wounded him), i questioned his behaviors, then i blocked him. I unblocked him 4 days later and said yes, but only if we agree on certain conditions. I’m borderline so my feelings are up and down.

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  13. Currently experiencing a mild hoover myself. I’m not interested in finding out what the actual reason is, and won’t return the attention. But if I had to predict what it is about I would guess she’s having trouble holding her new primary and I’m on a list of recent targets who may be useful for triangulating with him. It happened a bit over a year ago, and that was to make him jealous, extract fuel etc In fact she managed to extract an engagement ring. From what I know about him he seems to be NPD as well, so they’re both future faking each other, which is quite amusing to imagine and means they’re the perfect match. While they are fcking with each other they’re leaving norms alone 🙂

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  14. I’m going back to this because I am understanding this as I talk about it. I believe we were thinking the same thing, dreaming the same things and feeling the same things. I don’t know which one of us was the origin of those things.
    As of now I’m feeling a brick wall coming from him. What a surprise 🙂

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    1. Giulia,
      Ha, ha! I know exactly what you mean! The one I broke off from I still get feelings from, but now they are spiteful, disdainful feelings. When I think back positive things his way, I get the feeling he considers me untrustworthy.

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    2. Me too, it’s strange the sudden silence, no signal at all, like I’m alone again. It’s because I’ve moved away and didnt give him the new address, and he always follows me like a little puppy. He shut down his Facebook too to raise my curiosity to contact him with ‘concern’.
      I noticed that the closer I would get in proximity to him, the stronger I felt him, and his ‘thoughts’.
      I’ve thought about it a lot and I ve never had this with anyone else, but I ‘feel’ people’s moods, I know if they are hurting or happy, or if they think negative things towards me, and I feel the pain, so I think it’s me who is the receipient, and I think he, the narc, is the sender of these signals.
      I think what’s happening here is, narcs have this capacity to send tendrils of some sort our way, and we have mirror neurons that receive them, and then the signal bounces off of them back to them.
      It’s the best I can explain it at this point. So, it won’t happen in every empath – Narc relationship. I think the empath needs to have enough mirror neuron capacity and sensitivity, and openness to this experience.
      And it has to be an intimate relationship in proximity as well, it doesn’t just start out of nowhere, with anyone.

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  15. Yes, this suggestion is for energy protection as we can be sucked dry by them too, so yes, this is when you can and need to go no contact and feel spiritually anemic and in an addicted pattern. Cord cutting ceremonies are used in pagan spiritualism for such issues. If you are diriving strength from the connection, then you would not need such a ceremony. Though I do wonder, tell me what this strength feels like? I’ve never had a connection with a narcissist that didn’t drain me.

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    1. Indy, I confess I’ve never really thought about it. I don’t draw strength from the narcissists, although I do often from other people. It’s more a type of joy – maybe just from feeling the connection to others. I am by nature a very reclusive person living alone in a very rural area. Actually being around people is stressful for me, but I feel a joy from these bonds, especially when I feel one of them is thinking about me and then they call or text. I enjoy providing positive fuel and fancy I am quite good at it. I actually feel less stress in the presence of my narcissists than with other people.

      While all my narcissists can be very stressful and tiring, none of them are evil and we have worked thru all the devaluations and ugliness and come to a truce of sorts. All our relationships are at least 40+ years in duration (or all their lives if they are younger). My exhusband is the only man I have ever had an intimate relationship with, in fact the only man I’ve ever even dated. I was never deceived about him. my husband came from a family full of narcissists and alcoholics and his father taught all of us the whys of everyone’s behavior and how to deal with it.

      You said your bonds with narcs drain you, certainly mine have in the past. Many years of my marriage were stressful and miserable. My exhusband is also an alcoholic and for many years all interactions with him were draining and painful. But he’s been sober for 12 years now. His treatment and AA have made him more aware of how others feel – deepened his cognitive empathy. This has mellowed his treatment of friends and family. More importantly he had a near death experience that seems to make him value those of us who still care about him. He makes a conscious effort to not deliberately hurt any of us too badly.

      My mother and her family never let up on the ugliness and abuse but she’s dead now (I can’t keep from wanting to add Thanks be to God). My narc friends all live in other states or countries so they can’t really become too obnoxious.

      So really I don’t know. Maybe it’s a perfect storm of many factors. I do know I am no longer a victim, I am not codependent, none of my relationships are addictions and my life has much happiness and joy. For whatever reasons my narcissists are part of that joy.

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      1. Hi Windstorm,
        Ah, I understand more now. Yes, when you are in a small rural area and there are other factors, going no contact is near impossible. I understand your perspective completely. I would not suggest cutting cords unless it was related to someone you are needing to go no contact with.

        Go for you about not being co-dependant any longer or in a victim position. I know I have been with 3 long term exes that struggled with addiction hard. Two were narcissists and one was an empath. The emapth recently died from addiction. I left because I brought him to rehab over 10 times, nearly lost him multiple times to over does. We remained good friends, though no longer romantic. He was like a father to my son and it broke my heart when he died, but I knew it was coming. My son’s father (a lesser narc alcoholic), threatened our safety when I lived in a very small town of 3000 ppl. Because of the danger and stalking he did for 4 years, I moved out of town, went off radar to all my friends and neighbors for mine and my sons safety. Only my parents knew where. I went out of state far far away. He never recovered from addiction. The recent ex-midranger was a binge drinker and was in recovery when I met him. He was not able to remain sober for more than 6 months at a time. He did the most mental damage to me.

        I could not keep those bonds, due to my own safety. I am glad for you and your family that you found a way to make it work. I am also glad your ex-husband made progress in his sobriety and a life changing event.
        The one sentence that I do wonder about that you wrote is “He makes a conscious effort to not deliberately hurt any of us too badly.” I hate that you have to say “too badly” because it implies he still harms you. I am glad you have joy, that is vital 🙂 I have had the spiritual connection with non-narcissists and it is a wonderful bond to have, when you have a knowing like that. I miss my ex that passes away, as we had that connection too. That bond was like no other.

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      2. Hey Indy,
        When I said “hurt us too badly” I meant all the family. It’s been a long time since he’s hurt me. He knows better if he wants my company (fuel). Our children all understand him and have their own defenses. Daughters in law and grandsons have the hardest time. His sense of entitlement and total lack of empathy can be hard to understand and defend against. Cognitive empathy seems to often only kick in after the fact.
        But he’s a known commodity. I understand and can predict him after all this time. Our two sons who are narcs cause me a lot more grief. Our youngest son (that we adopted at 16) just had his long term girlfriend leave him and he is in full panic mode, desperately scrambling for secondary fuel. I’ve seen/heard from him more this last week then I had all the past year! He even wanted to go to church with me Sunday (still trying to figure that one out. He was texting during mass so it probably was an involved kind of Hoover.). He’s a very volatile somatic and any interactions with him are nerve wracking for me. Cerebrals I understand, but I’ve never been comfortable around somatics.
        But that’s just life. Problems are a necessary part. Don’t worry about me. I feel blessed that I’ve never been physically abused and never stalked. My biggest problem now is trying to get my inner life in order to avoid rebirth in case the reincarnationists are right! 😉

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    2. Indy
      I wonder if it is because the positive and negative is out of balance and this is why the negative can drain the positive, if equal would they neutralize each other?
      I am sorry to jump in, I have wondered this for awhile and saw your comment.

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      1. Hi Twilight!
        Hmmm, I do not know, spiritually is a fuzzy thing, there are no firm answers. I mainsly speak from my own opinion, when it comes to spirituality, not based on hard facts. So, your question is tough as I really do not know.
        Here is my opinion on that though:
        When there is a vampiric type of energy flow (when the narcissist takes your energy/fuel) is not good for anyone. It is not a balancing, it is not a give and take. It is a take take take on the side of the narcissist. There is no balance from my perspective/opinion.

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      2. Hi Indy

        Thank you for your opinion.
        I hope your week is starting off well! It is a bright sunny day here.

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  16. “The hoover may not actually come from us. You may be hoovered by proxy through one of our lieutenants or a member of our coterie asking you questions about what you are up to, whether you have thought about us, how you are getting on and so forth. This information along with your reaction will be relayed to us and we gather fuel and a fact find from it.”

    I have been wondering about this very scenario recently. As I am determined to not hide forever, and we had a lot of mutual friends before we even knew each other, at some point I am going to come across someone face to face who will ask these things of me. I am clear in my mind that I need to deflect any questions/comments about the he-said/she-said reasons for the break up etc, I just won’t get drawn into a conversation about ‘him’ or ‘us’. I don’t even want to know what he’s said about it all. But, when I’m asked those questions you’ve mentioned, I’m not sure how to respond, specifically because I don’t want to give *him* anything….. however, those questions are perfectly valid to be asking of someone you haven’t seen in a while, and I don’t want to come across as rude or evasive (or it could come across as just bitter) to *them*. I hope that lot makes sense?

    Do you have any suggestions about how to come out of such a scenario without giving anything away, but with head held high? What’s the best way to handle this?

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    1. Your concerns are understandable and as a polite, honest and decent person, they are also to be expected. However, your need to preserve no contact, diminish ever presence and aid your own progress need to have precedence to being seen as rude or evasive. You are best served by explaining that you have moved on and prefer not to discuss it and that you know they as a good friend will understand. Thus you politely assert, compliment the questioner and then change topic. If they think you evasive or bitter (you cannot be regarded as rude) so be it. That will not affect your friendship and it ensures you achieve the aims I explained in my second sentence.

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  17. I’ve had lucid dreams about him that were very real. I have no idea about other dimensions but someone tried to tell me those dreams are real but are happening
    in another dimension. The thinking about him

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  18. Thank you for all your posts HG. Super insightful.

    Please give me your opinion:
    My formal relationship with my 33 yr old male somatic narc ended abruptly with a ghosting/silent treatment 1.5 yrs ago. A few months after the silent treatment I discovered he was avidly pursuing a girl I knew not over her ex (he didn’t know I knew her). I accidentally got involved and faced his wrath/bloody rage in text and phone call threatening me. Telling me to die, ‘see you in hell, you c*nt, I just didn’t want you’…etc. Girl left him shortly after for her Ex whom I also knew (embarrassing for him, used him). I have not seen him or heard from him since. Nothing. About 7 months ago I saw him on Bumble dating app… a few days later he blocked me on his facebook. My friend has been seeing him boxing at a local gym I am also a member of. What will happen if I run into him there? How should I behave? What behavior is likely to provoke a non-malign hoover?

    Thank you in advance <3

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