The Igniters of Fury – No. 9
65 thoughts on “The Igniters of Fury – No. 9”
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“managing without us”
Of, course, narcissists hate it. Muvver hated it when I left home. She knew I was strong enough not to need her. Well, let’s face it, her “support” that she “gave” me was sh*t, sweet fk all in real terms. My sister was also like that too, I’m not suggesting she is actually a narcissist but her behaviours are indicators. Even her words in her communications were fkg obvious. Ah, well, I have the knowledge now and, even better, the wisdom. Happy days 🙂
I’m not sure why I can’t see all your posts. The above Igniters of Fury and the posts on the Ex won’t show up. Is there a fee for certain posts? Please can you clarify – thanks.
No, just whisper the magic word of “meme” and revel in the outcome.
Ha ha! 😉
Same Jeannine. I’ve never been able to access a single article in his “Ex” series nor the most recent “Igniters of Fury.” I thought it was something on my end. And I’m especially interested in the “Ex” series since I am…um…an Ex.
Does anyone have an idea why not all posts here can be accessed?
They are memes, there is no text to read.
Thank you HG. That is the goal.
Although my father is a ‘textbook’ narc, he did insist that I, despite being a weak female, ‘manage’ on my own. I was always told ‘don’t expect anyone to take care of you. You are responsible for yourself.’ I was only six but hey lesson learned. Lol. Thanks?
Interesting Kathy. My Father told me from as far back as I can remember that I should never ever believe that I could not be smarter than a man. Or that I needed a man to take care of me. Of course many on here know that he also told me that I have a gold mine between my legs and that could always make a man bend to my will. Double edged sword of advice. Good to know but not when you are like 5 years old. Narc Academy churns out some interesting narc parenting skills. I know HG doesn’t write alot about the parent child dynamic, but when he does they pull the same games with their kids as they do with others. We are all appliances in the end just putting out fuel for their facades.
Jaeger
WTF! A gold mine between your legs! 5 years old! They truly live in a different world.
It is interesting Jaeger. I found this blog trying to make sense of my latest ex boyfriend. I was not expecting to make sense of my father and how I was raised. It’s like win win, or perhaps win lose; depending on your perspective. In one hand I’m hip to their game and can ignite every fury, exploit every observed insecurity, call their ‘whore of a mother’ out for poor nurturing abilities, etc..but in the other hand that’s all I know and it’s exhausting, sick, and wrong. I still ‘manage’ on my own however. I am still responsible for myself. Crazy
You are but through understanding you will gain the tools to discharge that responsibility to yourself and it will also become easier because you are able to make far better sense of the situations you have been in and/or are in.
HG and Kathy
That has been the case for me. The understanding I have gained has been far more reaching than I would have thought. Things I thought I knew have new perspective and have helped me to see where I did or did not have responsibility. HG is brilliant in highlighting these areas through his writing and I am grateful that he does so.
Kathy. My dad wasn’t an N but he instilled those same ideals. He told me that a woman can make it in this world, without help. My mom was self sufficient before she married and that’s part of what attracted him. After he died, she was grieving but she also became very helpless. I had to remind her that she was strong and took care of herself for 26 years. She is once again self sufficient. Despite the fact that your dad has NPD, that was a piece of wise advice. Peace to you.
His anger management therapist asked me why I needed him when I went to a session. Turns out, I didn’t. I’m managing without him. He is still trying to get back in. That’s the part that makes me nervous, especiallly when I am back home. You are so correct, HG. He was furious when I moved. At that point it was official that his 24/7 control was broken. He kept telling me I wouldn’t make it. Maybe I still won’t, but he will not be a part of my life.
1Jaded1
Of course you will make it. You came into this world with everything you needed to make it, and doubt when you arrived you looked to your left to see him there. Fuck him-you got your sweater back.
Okay that last line was just to make you laugh.
If i looked to my left and saw him there., knowing what i know now, i would have crawled back in. You do make me laugh NA.
1Jaded1
Ha! Crawl back in. Your turn to make me laugh.
❤️Jaded1❤️
We all are routing for you and have faith! I’ve said this about you before, you have more in you than you know! You are a strong and beautiful soul.
Thank you Indy. I’m home. My mom has confirmed that she has heard his truck. She has a strong gut. His behavior is escalating. Prior to me showing her the texts, she didn’t believe me. She wants me to tell him to stop. I told her NC. She doesn’t like that. Today, I saw the truck and the driver waved. Chills up spine but I won’t let it ruin my week. I’m watching My Haunted House to decompress.
How are you Indy?
Hi 1Jaded1,
Oh my, that feeling of seeing a car or something that indicates they are close gets me tight in my throat. Just thinking about it…((hugs)).
Was he the driver that waved? How long are you home for? I do not know all the details, how long has it been since you saw him last? When was his last hoover? Is he doing malign hoovers? Is he stalking you?
Sending safety vibes (((((white light))))))…I used to envision a white light around me to feel safer when I needed to…and when that didn’t work, I called the cops and filled out a restraining order for those pesky stalker midrange types or moved across country when I had a lesser on my tail back in my 20s….different strokes for different folks/narcs LOL.
I am doing OK these days, thank you for asking 🙂 I am planning my summer time off, not big plans but some travel in the US. Looking forward to my cabin time in the mountains with friends and pool time with a good book.
Keeping you in my thoughts and vibes, Jaded1,
Indy
Thank you Indy. He left me alone. It was his truck and fugly arm waving. I was there a week. I promised not to let him bother me. He was not gonna ruin my vaca. He last texted on Easter and I ignored it. Prior to that he tried to bring my dad into it by saying he was letting my dad down. I ignored that too. It has been years since we have seen each other so this passing freaked me out. Since I live out of state, he won’t expendthe energy to stalk me.. The fact that he drives past my mom’s house freaks me out.
Thank you for the vibes. This week will be another challenge. Something happened that he blamed me for. It is devastating but I am armed. If i make it past May 29, I’ll be happy. Lol. I think I found HG around this time last year. I’m surprised he tolerates me.
I hope you have a fun Summer. 🙂 Peace to you, as always.
I know you are armed! Great job ignoring too!!! Wooot! Savage that beast!Sending safety vibes through May. That is funny, May was when I found HG too. Don’t be silly, I love having you here 🙂
You can make it and you will, and better than you ever could have with him
DJ. Thank you for that.
Hi Jaded!
You have come so far and you will only get stronger. You will be just fine.
You have moved on without him and that says a lot.
You have the power now!!!!!
SW as have you. Logic tells me. The support on this site tells me. Could not have done it without HG. We know and have the power.
When I moved out of state he swore he would never visit. He broke that promise for money. I had barely any furniture and finally bought a chair and a bed from my sibling as they were moving. I loved and still love my place. When he came with bil, he sneered and said “This is where you are living?” Then after the NC he wanted to come see me. FTS…lol. It just makes me nervous when I have to go home and that will be soon enough.
Yay for you having the power too. I hope you never get that hoover.
Hey Jaded!
I just read your update to Indy that you are home. I’m sorry that you had to hear and see the truck. I would have been a wreck. I hope you are coping ok with everything that you have to deal with while you are there.
I will be thinking of you.
Remember how far you have come!!!!
1Jaded1….if you come back home hang out with me instead of him. I am always available for you on the inside or outside of narc world. My first narc told me repeatedly that I would be nothing without him. That if I moved back home I would be a quitter and everyone would know I couldn’t handle being grown up. Kept trying to get me to quit college. Said my degrees would be worthless. You’ll make it just fine without him.
Jaeger…one of these days…Hey, you’ve made it. Isn’t your busy season starting? Sad news in the music world. Death in the D. Wasn’t a huge SG fan but I did like Audio Slave.
His song for Casino Royale was excellent.
Yes. Lyrics and melody. I listened to it after hearing of his death. You know my name…kind of ironic since we try to guess yours. We really don’t know, though. Doesn’t matter. Just made me laugh a bit at the irony.
Yes. Big tragedy. I was at the joe having 80s flashbacks with tears for fears and hall and oates that night. Liked Black hole sun was a great song. Busy season coming very quickly!! You’ll see less of me. Bet HG is happy.
Fwiw…I’m not.
1jaded1
YOU are making it, slowly but surly you are growing stronger everyday. We all go at are own pace, one day you will look back and see the strength and beauty of your life from the start to the finish. Beauty from ashes.
And this is why I’m glad that I’m not on social media. My ex can’t see that I survived this past year without her.
She would be furious looking at pictures of my family.
I don’t want to trigger any hoovers.
withouth her Snow White?
Are you male? Or lesbian ?
Hi Angelic!
I’m a bisexual female.
Have a great weekend🍎
Ohhhhh.. okay Snow White
😀
He liked it when i managed without him, otherwise he felt like he had to make a special effort for me, which would sometimes (depending on his mood) be inconvenient for him.
He APPEARED to like it.
But HG, he would get stressed and frustrated if i needed his emotional support (before i knew he was a narc).
Yes because we do not like to provide you with support, you should be providing it to us, as I have repeatedly explained.
So you don’t want us to manage without you, yet you don’t want to provide us with support either. Again, my intention is not to question your authority, but my ex seemed genuinely more relaxed when i would manage without him because it would naturally follow that i won’t ask him for support.
If we see you managing without us post dis-engagement or escape, it ignites our fury. During devaluation we will not offer support.
It depends when it took place and the key word is ‘seemed’.
HG,
How did you manage four years with Elizabeth ? With all due respect, did she have a low self-esteem?
How long were you with Elizabeth before you married her?
More than just managing. Thriving. And happy 🙂
What other choice do we have?
Well , I am independent, self sufficient and I wouldn’t ask anyone or accept the help unless absolutely necessary. And I thought this is what he liked about me. But then he used all his techniques and tools and tried to change me into someone I am not.
Hi Abrokenwing,
Same, I totally relate. I, too, am very independent, paid all my own bills, bought my own stuff and never even thought of borrowing anything from him. I dealt with my responsibilities and never relied on him (I rarely rely on others, in general, a flaw of mine I work on–asking for help, which is a strength too.) And, he seemed to dig that about me too–less on him so he could focus on him (lol). And, I was his IPPS, not a shelf or secondary. I kept my home, my independence. Perhaps that helped me get out as quickly as I did with this last one as we were not enmeshed and did not have shared responsibilities. And we were engaged. I have to REALLY TRUST to blend households and finances.
Hi Indy,
Exactly. They want us to depend on them as it makes them feel more powerful and gives them more control over us. I am not rich, far from it , but I am able to take care of myself, my children, my mortgage etc. My financial independence is my freedom and I will never gave up on it because I worked to hard for it.
At the moment there is only one thing I need a man for.😉
I still marvel at how I managed to traverse this field of land mines and still come through relatively unscathed.
Too independent, too assertive, I ended it, and the smear campaign was an epic failure. Worst of all, I’m doing well.
He must be seething.
Thank you for writing these…you give me strength to end this
I am confused. Endlessly. I feel that -thanks to your work HG- I have a much better understanding, but I am still confused. Because:
a) I understand that we use different “Logics”
b) I understand that the force (or one of the forces) behind your logic is the acquisition of fuel.
c) I understand that the best thing for me to do is to seize the power by acquiring the knowledge: to know what to expect, and to cross the emotional sea.
BUT even if I (hopefully) slowly approach towards an understanding of your logic, I cannot really get it, cannot find it within myself and apply it, even for a minute, in order to gain a true understanding. I feel like a blind man listening about the difference between red and blue.
For example: and probably these are not the best examples I can find ..
1) “managing without us” ignites fury (too independent),. But if I “cannot manage without you” then I’m weak, domesticated and pathetic.
2) to be hurt, sad and angry because of your actions is considered a good thing (negative fuel) but you don’t want me to hold on to those feelings in the instance you come back (I’m supposed to forget or even not to feel the past wounds)
In my mind, it seems like I am required to be one thing and the opposite at the same time.
Awaiting for your work: “zero impact”
This is so true.
It pleases me immensely that this angers you. (The Royal You. Not you you). Having spent years on my own, managing on my own, bringing up my children on my own, it is a matter of pride that I am self sufficient. That it infuriates your kind is the chocolate sprinkles and fondant kittens on the already iced cake.
Several of the narcs I contended with were very jealous of my success. The ones I remained in contact with always had smart ass remarks about where I lived, the car I drove, the position I held. It was always backhanded compliments about me. Like yes you got a great job are you effing the boss? Oh great house, did you make the down payment by blowing some guys? Yes that car you drive is nice, if you want people to believe you are something that your not. Greater narcs liked it and used it to impress others at first. Then it became a game of them trying to get me to sell my property, move in with them, we’ll use the money together. You should quit your job and live with me. Sell your car because we should pick one together. We could rent your house and we can make money together. Suddenly I would get the marriage proposals because they not only wanted to drain me financially but mentally. I fought all of them on this. Good thing I didn’t fall for that bullshit. I did manage without them and every last one of them hated that I got away. My secret weapon? Narc sociopath Father. He said your a jaeger, you don’t ever need a man. Since he was a greater and “owned” me, anytime guys started acting crazy I’d go to him and he’d tell me how to play it. One good thing about a narc parent. He didn’t want anyone taking advantage of his daughter because my success was his and he wouldn’t allow someone to take what was his. Weird and helpful dynamic. What do you make of that dynamic HG? Greater helps daughter to outdo other narcs? Power in it? Fuel?
“…Everybody will agree with you out of exhaustion but they all talk among themselves how you suck as …” This could have many endings. Suck as a boss, person, boyfriend, husband, significant other, wife, mother, father, son, daughter, friend, sibling, worker/laborer…
I can go on.
Never do they acknowledge anything. They just stare at you in silence when confronted. I threw a water bottle at my ex N trying to get him to speak or comment. No words. Even after the bottle struck him in the face. I went in the room and cried. He followed. I got cuddling, sex, silence, and sleep. No words. Then next day it was like nothing ever happened.
that is the hardest part …… the next day is always as if nothing happened they just go on and EXPECT YOU, ME, to go on too and then it happens again and again…………I am so exhausted.
Now I get after decades why my bitch of a mother screwed a man in my parents bedroom, still married, next to my bedroom, letting me heat, and then acted the next day and months and years as if nothing had happened. She destroyed a part of my soul that night and nothing but silence. Not even the fake appearance she did anything wrong. And all I ever got from her was ‘you are so resentful, can’t change the past.’ Changr the past? They act as if nothing even existed when it happens! So shit happens, they pretend nothing did, then when they destroy trust, they wonder why yiu cant let go or forget the past they pretended never happened. What a fucking mind fuck. And to do that to a 14 year old girl?
Are breaking cycle? Easier said than done.
Since we tell the truth here, only the truth and nothing but the truth, things are a mess when you (narcs) are around. All you are worried about is yourself and how you look, in the broader sense. So if the boat is sinking because of something you told everyone to do, you are going to let it sink rather than aknowledge your mistake and change course of action.
You will then profuse in intensive brain washing to convince everyone that was the best way to go. Everybody will agree with you out of exhaustion but they all talk among themselves how you suck as a boss.
wise words. It sucks around them. I had to discover that even my babysitter was one.
What Trump is doing.