How No Contact Feels – Part Two

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The response of the Lesser Narcissist to the implementation of No Contact has been described, what then of the Mid-Range Narcissist? Let us begin with the scenario where you have decided to escape him and you convey this news to him in person.

The declaration that you are ending the Formal Relationship will naturally result in the Mid Ranger experiencing criticism and thus his fury will be ignited. Unlike the Lesser, The Mid Ranger will be able to exert some control over this ignited fury. He also tends to have it manifest as cold fury, rather than heated fury. The initial response will be for the Mid Ranger to keep the ignited fury under control. Instead, he will focus his energies on a Preventative Hoover as he tries to stop you from moving forward with your stated intention. The Mid Ranger will rarely utilise charm in the Preventative Hoover (unlike the Greater) but instead will opt for deploying a Pity Play and appealing to your empathic traits such as compassion, pity and guilt. The Mid Ranger, will not, at least at first, lash out like a Lesser. He can maintain some control for a short period of time. He is also predisposed to acting in a passive aggressive manner along with having the benefit of having some calculating ability. He will realise that you are naturally dissatisfied with his behaviour and performance in the Formal Relationship and this is what he will seize on. Whilst he is able to maintain control, he will opt for apologising and showing apparent recognition of the faults you may well have described in your parting shot. When telling a Mid Ranger that the Formal Relationship is at an end, you should expect to hear the following comments: –

“I realise now that things are not as good as they should be, I am sorry.”

“You are right; I have not been thinking about you as much as I should have.”

“I have been busy with work and I have neglected you. I guess I have been trying to do the right thing for us by working hard, but I got it wrong.”

“I won’t be able to manage without you.”

“You cannot leave me; I won’t know what to do.”

“I will be lost without you.”

“I should have realised sooner but I have been distracted, I have not treated you as well as I should have.”

“Please give me a chance to put things right.”

“You are right in what you say, I need to change. I can. Please will you help me?”

“I just need another chance and you will see that I can makes things right again.”

You can expect earnest looks, tears and apparent remorse and contrition. None of it is real in terms of being meant for you. Instead this is the manifestation of the Mid-Ranger’s growing fear at the looming loss of his primary source. He is fearful for himself, feels sorry for himself and appears to be contrite and remorseful purely as a device to stop you from leaving.

If this Preventative Hoover fails, then the Mid-Range suffers a further criticism and now his ignited fury can no longer be kept under control. He lacks the ability to continue this control and furthermore the increased criticism has wounded him considerably meaning the wound needs to be healed. The ignited fury causes him to seek fuel and since you are proximate to him, that fuel will be sought from you.

The immediate manifestation of this ignited fury will be through cold fury. The Mid Ranger will sulkily seek to apply emotional blackmail against you in order to provoke a reaction from you and thus gain fuel. Expect to hear comments such as: –

“I cannot believe you are doing this after everything that I have done for you.”

“So, this is how you treat someone who has loved you like nobody else?”

“How can you do this to me? Don’t I mean anything to you?”

“I was right. You are just selfish aren’t you? I have done so much for you and you treat me like dirt.”

“You are a selfish bitch, all my friends said you would do this, but oh no, I defended you. Looks like I wasted my time.”

Note how in the Preventative Hoover there was apparently some recognition of being at fault, some sense of culpability and blame? That was false and this is demonstrated by the sudden switch to blaming you instead. It was never the fault of the Mid Ranger; it was your fault all along. He is hard done to and you are the horrible, awful person who has been so beastly to him.

If you react and provide fuel, the Mid Ranger will keep going, laying the guilt on thick in order to heal his wound with the fuel that you have provided. If you supply sufficient fuel for this to happen and his ignited fury is extinguished, he will then withdraw. He will not risk attempting a further Preventative Hoover. He has enough awareness to realise that his shift to blaming you, insulting you and accusing you of being the one at fault will not bring you back. However, with fury extinguished he will instead withdraw and turn his attention to seeking a new primary source. You will be let go and in his mind the Mid-Ranger will be the one who has ended it.

If you fail to provide any fuel at this additional criticism, if you are dealing with a Lower Mid-Ranger you may find yourself subjected to some property destruction and/or low level violence (slapping, pushing, spitting) in order to try again to draw fuel. If it is provided, the behaviour will continue until the fury is extinguished and then he will withdraw.

If you fail to provide any fuel, then the Mid Ranger will effectively flounce off and walk away from you. This happens for two reasons. Firstly, this enables him to maintain that he ended the relationship with you. Secondly, this is because he will now seek out sympathetic secondary and even tertiary sources to regale them with his tale of woe at how horrible you have been and to smear you. This will garner him the fuel he needs (since you failed to provide it) and his wound will be addressed. He will then focus on acquiring the new primary source to replace you, leaving you alone. The Mid Ranger will be extensive in his smearing of you and the sucking up of sympathy from anybody and everybody. He will play the victim to a considerable degree and is therefore likely to obtain the fuel he needs to heal his wound and then provide him with the energy to seek out the new primary source. He will play the hard done to spouse, the cuckolded boyfriend as he invents all manner of tales about your reprehensible behaviour in order to milk the situation he is in for all it is worth.

If you do not tell the Mid Ranger that the Formal Relationship has ended in person and instead you send a message, leave a note and let him work it out for himself, he will attempt to prevent the implementation of No Contact through a Preventative Hoover before it is too late. You will be bombarded with messages, telephone calls and personal appearances for the purpose of pleading with you and begging you. Expect stones thrown at your window and begging displays from underneath your bedroom window. His remorse will be extensive and the desire to change significant but it is all part of the Preventative Hoover. If this fails, he will switch to lashing out at you as described above in order to try and gain fuel.

If the Mid Ranger is unable to effect any kind of contact with you since your implementation of No Contact has been so total, he will be forced to seek fuel from secondary and tertiary sources. He will do so on the basis of self-pity, misery and wanting sympathy from those sources. The Mid Ranger is apt to using this sympathy milking to promote an inner circle friend who is comforting him during this terrible period to a new primary source so that he gains fuel quickly and is then able to focus on this person and forget about you. If there is no promotion, even whilst drawing the sympathy fuel form secondary and tertiary sources the Mid Ranger will be looking for a new primary source in order to re-instate the appropriate fuel level which has been removed by your commencing No Contact.

If the Mid Ranger should find himself in the position of not being able to draw fuel from secondary or tertiary sources or he uses up those reserves before he is able to secure a new primary source, then he will slip into isolation and depression. This is rare for the Mid Ranger. This is because invariably he has enough cognitive function to draw the fuel from secondary and tertiary sources to sustain him whilst he secures a primary source. He has enough ability to know how to portray his situation to maximise his position.

The Mid Ranger, of the three schools of narcissism behaves the most pathetically when there is the threat of and the subsequent implementation of No Contact. He first begs and pleads. If that does not work, he blames and lashes out verbally, but it is petulant and sulky. There is no terrible fury like that of the Lesser. He is not even able to launch into strong violence, opting instead for milder forms as described above. Eventually he withdraws and seeks the solace of others by doling out pity plays to anybody who will listen and leaving you well alone for fear of further criticism.

Of course hoovers may follow in the future, dependent on the relevant criteria, but for the Mid Ranger, the threat of No Contact brings a desperate plea to prevent it and in the event that fails, expect petulant insults, self-pity and withdrawal, with the attendant smearing and need to draw sympathy from others.

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43 thoughts on “How No Contact Feels – Part Two”

  1. What about when the Mid-Ranger spins the “no contact” nonsense around on us and says that things are over? For example, “Our relationship is toxic and it cannot continue. If you love me like you say you do, you will leave me alone and give me space. When I am ready I will reach out to you. I know you do not want to let me go but you are just going to have to trust that this is best.”

    Last words he ever said to me right there. And he has ignored me ever since. I fell right into his nonsense and I left him alone. Is he doing this because he wants me to chase after him? I have not been chasing.

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  2. Interesting take from the darker side of No Contact. Looking forward to reading about how the Greater reacts.

    Are there any NO-NOs that can suddenly come to light about the Empath, where the Mid-Ranger would actually drop and run? Any specific circumstances, or will they always regard you as fuel 10 minutes or 10 years from now, as long as they’re in control?

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    1. A Mid-Ranger regards you as his or her property in accordance with the Narcissistic Covenant. What would cause dis-engagement? See the article 5 Reasons We Discard/Did-Engage.

      As for the mid-ranger specifically, exposure of his jolly good fellow façade is a guaranteed way to cause major wounding, but I will be writing an article about this.

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      1. I’ll be very interested in this article H.G. I am often torn with how much to say to people. I have basically kept a low profile, and I am somewhat concerned that may be misconstrued given that there will have been a smears, as some sort of ‘shame’ or ‘guilt’ on my part. I’d love to expose his jolly good fellow facade, but obviously need to be mindful that people won’t believe it. (sigh… we can’t win can we?)

        He obviously believes he’s now waited a politely sufficient amount of time before unveiling my replacement and keep his jolly good fellow facade intact. Pics are appearing (and yes… i know her), and lots of ‘likes’ for them. I can’t help it… despite knowing it was going to come, despite understanding the narc-logic, it’s still such a kick in the guts. I’m sunk again. My life sucks.

        So, as I said before, I eagerly await the article you mentioned, so I may feel a little more like I have some power to seize. I’m not feeling ‘the empowered empath’ thing at the moment.

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      2. I’m also eager to see this article, HG. Like gabbanzobean, I still feel frustration over the fact that everyone thinks my ex-midranger is the greatest guy in the world. I have no hope of really exposing him — first because he so effectively pre-smeared me with most of his friends and family before the discard, and second because I moved 100 miles away from him. But the only two times I’ve communicated with him in the last six months were both letting him know I see through his façade. No response to either communication, but I’ve had hints he’s very worried about what I might say about him to others. Let him worry. After 10 years of him pushing my buttons, it’s gratifying to know I can push his once in a while.

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      3. Indeed and you actually seize more power by focussing on yourself and letting him be concerned about the POSSIBILITY of further exposure rather than you running around trying to expose him. If you do the latter, you use your time and energy, many people will not listen and you tend to fall into the trap of acting as you have been smeared (crazy, hysterical, malicious).

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  3. As for the mid-ranger specifically, exposure of his jolly good fellow façade is a guaranteed way to cause major wounding,

    I will keep this in mind as ponder spaghettification.

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  4. My ex to an absolute tee. I have a question HG if you don’t mind. I applied no contact rigorously and outed him to some. Are these the reasons he is still so venomous about me to people I’m friends with, even though he has a new primary and legions of secondaries? Or is it him attempting to hoover by proxy? And if so, why bother? I would’ve thought the fuel he’s receiving now would be enough to maintain the facade?

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    1. Your exposure was a major wound and therefore drives a desire to punish you for your treachery. His comments to other people about you is smearing and also a reverse hoover by proxy whereby he intends for these people to tell you what he has been saying about you so you contact him and he can punish you further and draw negative fuel from you. Your exposure has caused him concerns with his façade and as mentioned amounts to a major wound which necessitates you being punished.

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      1. Thanks. But surely him being so vitriolic now just provides evidence of my assessment of him? He deleted a bunch of my friends and some mutual friends who saw his behaviour for what it was and so can no longer go to the same nights as us. So yes, the facade has been punctured. I have a pact with the friends who are still in touch with him that we won’t discuss what he says to them or discuss the hoovers that appear on Facebook. And I would rather cut off my opposable texting thumbs than contact him again or look for him on social media. I guess I just didn’t understand why he was expending so much pointless energy on me still when he gets nothing back. I’m glad I won’t be around when he starts the devaluation if this is how he behaves during the golden period! Thanks again for your answer.

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  5. “His immediate reaction will be one of horror at your disloyal behaviour, amazement at how treacherous you are and disgust that you of all people could do a thing like this.”

    This but for having the audacity to do anything in a less than perfect way.

    What happens if I do file for divorce/go NC as possible but can’t leave the state because we have kids?

    My N has the temper described of a lesser but the charm and success and social network of a higher level N.

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    1. Hello Scrub Oak, if you file for divorce you will wound and cause an ignition of fury. You ought to put NC in place before instigating divorce proceedings. I recommend you read Getting Out and No Contact in order to prepare for what you are going to do. From your description alone, he may be an Upper Lesser but I would need more information to provide you with a more detailed and accurate assessment of him and what you can expect to happen when you apply NC and being the divorce proceedings.

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  6. You are a hater! and that word that you use and hide behind will eventually destroy you! God is watching you, learn to be nice or god will make you pay a price!

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  7. HG ve read part two and three mine is in between mid and greater one moment I think mid but then I read more and then think greater. That’s very confusing for me.

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  8. Thank you HG. This post solidified that I am dealing with a Mid-Range somatic narcissist. When things started to get dramatic and extremely manipulative, and I was not getting any answers through communication as one would with a regular adult, I went full-blown supernova and took matters into my own hands. Raided his office, broke into his apartment and went through every item, hacked his phone, and threw his affairs and evidence of federal criminal activity that would get him deported in his face. I’ve been dealing with his blubbering mess of apologies and professions of true love for some time now, and I treat it with cold indifference and a little smirk that I could drop the hammer on him and destroy his life here. We can’t have no contact, but I hope he’s not dumb enough to ever disrespect me again, but since he’s a mid-ranger and not fully aware of what he is, he might try. The self pity is so deep he is drowning in it. It’s almost as if you know him personally, the way you write.

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    1. Now that was a supernova. Yes, it won’t be a Pity Party, more of a Commiseration Conference or a Rejection Rally.

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  9. This describes perfectly what happened when my mother divorced my father; first the pity play and promises of change, then when that didn’t work, blaming and smearing.

    But one thing still makes me doubt whether my father really is a narcissist. You write repeatedly about the inevitable discard, and yet, after 20 years of marriage, my father showed no signs of wanting to divorce my mother and seemed content to remain with her permanently. That’s not to say he didn’t go through the cycles of golden periods and devaluation, but he seemed content to continue to go through those cycles with her continuously.

    Do narcissists ever stay (or plan to stay) with one partner?

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      1. Hg Tudor, My ex narc has put up in his whatsapp status a special date with a heart emoticon and a picture with him and new gf. however the special date is my bday? Is it conidence or purpose?

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  10. im sorry hg tudor, i couldt find your answer previously i didn’t know which post it was in. so its purpose are you sure?e everyone says he forget about me has been long time it coincidence?

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    1. No problem. Do not focus on it, but it is done to triangulate. Know this so you are armed but do not dwell.

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      1. ohh your so kind with your info really helpful, how can you be a narc? anyway good to know , so can they triangulate after 4 years of breaking up and no contact? how does he knows i will find out? or even care about him? how are you sure its on purpose?

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      2. Meet me in real life and you will find out. Don’t say you weren’t warned though.

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  11. Ok I see, wrong assumption. Last question HG , how are you sure it’s on purpose and not concidence? It’s been 4 years now would he know I will find out?

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  12. Mr Tudor,
    Once I posted the question I realised how long the posting was. If you prefer it to be sent to you within the framework of a payed consultation instead, please let me know and I will re-send it.

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    1. Hello Tove, thank you for the comment. I have read it and the detail contained and the various questions posed mean that it is appropriate to deal with it through a paid consultation so the maximum information can be provided and also the detailed insight and answers given. Thank you.

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