The Fading Narcissist


Everybody who is part of our Fuel Matrix plays a part in maintaining our existence. Our construct, that which imprisons the creature and that which we want the world to see, must be maintained in order to preserve our existence. If not, we begin to fade away as the construct crumbles and collapses. The maintenance of this construct is entirely reliant on the provision of fuel and you play an integral part in that. How do the various types of appliance mesh together then in order to prevent us from fading away? 

I have explained how we draw fuel from primary, secondary and tertiary sources. These sources vary in potency and are affected of course by the method of delivery of the fuel. The primary source remains our most important source of fuel since it is this person, usually the intimate partner, who we are with more than anybody else but also who has the greatest emotional reaction to what we say and do. Therefore, this person provides us with the most fuel and of the most potent kind. They are also someone who satisfies the  The Prime Aims (which includes fuel) more than anyone else. The primary source is naturally the most important fuel provider which is why we seduce this person with such dedication, unleash such a terrible devaluation and keep on hoovering following escape or dis-engagement. We make such an investment in you as the primary source that we regard it as our right to keep drawing fuel from you, whether that is positive or negative, whether it is now, next week or in ten years’ time. You belong to us, in our minds.

The secondary sources are those which contribute good fuel and are invariably those who are part of our façade. Our lieutenants and the coterie are drawn from the secondary sources – friends, family and colleagues – who we interact with frequently but not to the same extent as we do with the primary source. Nor do the secondary sources give out the same heightened fuel as the primary source. The secondary sources serve an excellent function as part of the façade and the maintenance of this façade is important, therefore we prefer to keep the same people in at and keep adding to it. Secondary sources invariably enjoy lengthy golden periods with us. This is because our call on them is intermittent and therefore we are far less likely to regard their fuel as stale. Moreover, we can have many secondary sources but we only ever have one primary source. Thus if a certain secondary source is perhaps not admiring us as much (but they are not criticising us and are still providing some fuel) it does not merit a devaluation. They remain loyal, they remain part of the façade and we will just switch to another secondary source to increase the fuel. There is no need to devalue or ditch the initial secondary source. Thus you may see our kind have a friend who is “flavour of the month” because their fuel is better than other secondary sources and then the fuel dips in quality but it is not a concern as we can add another secondary source or switch to another who perhaps we have not seen for a couple of months. This is advantageous as it means our energy can be saved for devaluing the primary source whilst keeping a range of functioning secondary sources on hand and the façade intact.

The secondary sources very rarely stop providing fuel. They have no need to. A primary source may do so owing to the descent into ill health caused by the devaluation or learning how to tackle our kind as a response to the abuse. The secondary source, nearly always treated to an elongated  golden period, has no need to adopt a stance of not providing fuel.

A secondary source may however criticise us and if that is the case they may be subjected to devaluation but usually they are excluded from the coterie and replaced easily enough. They will be smeared and made to feel like an outsider, with the narcissist using the façade and other secondary sources to achieve this aim. We like to create our cliques and if anybody threatens our supremacy or delivers a criticism who is a secondary source they will be ejected from the group.

The occasion for devaluation of the secondary source is rare. It only happens in two instances. Firstly, the source has criticised the narcissist (this criticism might come through something said to the narcissist or something done, for example through exposing the narcissist’s behaviour to others)  and thus fury is ignited and the narcissist decides this person must be made an example of, before being discarded, in order to show the rest of the coterie who is in charge.

Secondly, in an even rarer instance it may happen when the narcissist has no primary source. If there is an absence of the primary source for a period of time, say a number of weeks, the narcissist’s fuel levels will have been tested. He will have sought to seduce and embed a new replacement primary source and most times the narcissist in such a situation is able to do so with success. However, let us assume this has not happened. The narcissist turns to his secondary and tertiary sources (more on tertiary in a moment) and relies more than usual on them to provide him with fuel during the absence of the primary source. At first there is no problem, the secondary sources provide positive fuel which is sustaining the narcissist, but if he has only a few secondary sources, then it will not be long before his fuel demands outstrip the positive fuel they can give. The lesser quality of their fuel (compared to the primary source) is being exposed by the absence of the primary source. It is also because greater demand is being placed on them.

Ultimately, the primary source will always go further for the narcissist than anybody else and they are also far more proximate. No matter how seductive. if the secondary source has to deal with his own family, his work and so on, he may not be available to provide fuel. If this keeps happening, combined with the increased demand and the lack of a primary source the strain on positive secondary sources will start to tell. This means the narcissist will either have to add new secondary sources and/or devalue the secondary sources to shift to negative fuel so he is sustained. This will work for a period of time with the confused inner circle friend who is a secondary source trying to work out why their supposed best friend is ignoring them and then trying to patch up the relationship. A secondary source however will not sustain devaluation as long as a primary source and may even infect other secondary sources by pointing out how they are being treated. The narcissist is already suffering reduced fuel levels and the supremacy of his façade is being challenged. This increases the demands on him.

The tertiary sources provide the least fuel and generally they are also treated to lengthy golden periods – for example the lady who works in the petrol station or the postman – since they are only extracted from on an intermittent basis. Tertiary sources can also be used straight away for negative fuel, for example, upbraiding a waiter or shouting down a shop assistant. We do not regard them as necessary to the maintenance of the façade, their negative fuel provides a useful boost and such high-handed behaviour may impress a primary (or secondary source) and draw positive fuel from them where appropriate.

If there is no primary source for a period of time, the reliance on tertiary sources increases. There will be increased activity to use technology to draw these people to the narcissist – such as on dating sites, chat rooms or through social media, but if the reliance is frequent and sustained the quality of the fuel will diminish quickly and those who have been attached to the narcissist in this way will be discarded and replaced with new remote tertiary sources promptly. There will be a high turnover. At the same time, the narcissist is likely to lash out at physically proximate sources more and more as the fuel level dips. This happens for two reasons. Firstly, he needs the fuel more than ever from tertiary sources and negative fuel is better than positive. Secondly, he will be furious at being placed in this position (through having no primary source but he has not got one to lash out at) so tertiary sources bear the brunt of this rage.

A narcissist without a primary source will eventually alienate secondary sources and in certain environments – say a small town – will struggle to replace them as people become wise to what he is. He may lack the energy to keep up the turnover of remote tertiary sources and spends his time lashing out at those which are physically proximate. At this point the narcissist faces losing the façade (since so many people know about his behaviour) in order to keep drawing fuel. It is now that he has three choices: –

  1. Secure a new primary source immediately;
  2. Move his environment so he can seek out fresh secondary sources and tertiary sources and rebuild his façade; or
  3. Sink into depression and inactivity as his fuel levels plummet.

The narcissist becomes a fading star. Once brilliant, magnificent and illuminating, his loss of the primary source and inability to find another means that the alluring shine is fading as a black hole awaits. He begins to fade as he enters a fuel crisis. Thus you can see just how paramount the primary source is to the existence of our kind and why we make such an effort to secure them, replace them and hoover them back again.

39 thoughts on “The Fading Narcissist

  1. Mike says:

    My wife has NPD and bipolar 1, my daughters have agreed with me.
    Last fall she decided to tell me that she had been in a seven year affair with a coworker. After the hurt and anger subsided I decided to let her have the opportunity to rebuild the marriage. Went well for a couple of months but then rapidly declined after Christmas. Maybe because she realized that the old manipulation and control wasn’t going to fly, but I had also started researching NPD and told her I was. February a serious suicide attempt by her and weeks institutionalization. Came home but had to be institutionalized two more times. Last institutionalization I had to do involuntary commitment. Now she is in outpatient and they use EMDR therapy. My question is would this type of therapy work for NPD. As an aside, none of the psychiatrists that she’s seen seem very interested in exploring the NPD.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No it would not, Mike.

  2. Dianah says:

    Exactly!! Lived it…but not for much longer…I no longer give a Sh** about being ANY source of anything..Fade away…its what u deserve for what was done to me & “our” children…

  3. Carol says:

    Wow….interesting to hear from a narcissist’s perspective. I dated a narcissist for a few months not understanding what the heck I was experiencing…he got mad at me because I fell asleep watching tv one night and immediately began the big discard….still not knowing about NPD, I cut off contact with him because I thought he was crazy. I realize that he was probably getting bored with me and needed a new fix…but seriously? How ridiculous. So sad that he (and all other narcissists) will never be satisfied. But I do not regret for one minute going no contact….I could have lost myself in that relationship!

  4. GFW says:

    I think my ex narc is struggling to replace his primary fuel. It has been 6 months now and he is depressed and blames me for it. The hoovering does not stop and the blame game is strong. I have implemented no contact but he still finds ways to contact me. How the hell do I make it stop?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      What needs to be analysed is how the Hoover Triggers are being caused and also what it is about the Hoover Execution Criteria that has lowered the hoover bar so that the hoovers are still being executed against you. A consultation is the best way for me to receive the level of detail which I need to give you accurate insight.

      1. I want a consultation but not sure if it will do any good for me; I thought the blogs, books, and youtube were all working, but- it’s the week my N disappeared and I don’t know what triggered the bad dreams, but they are happening and I am almost bedridden again. Haven’t cried, been really busy with school and my jobs, but when I am home the painful memories start. Sleep is the only respite I have, but I don’t like being this inactive and retreating to my bed again.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Well, there is only one way to find out NOA.

  5. AJ says:

    I think some have a biological clock also. My two narc relatives attack me from the 9 to the 16. Kind of like the witching hours.

  6. mistynolan01 says:

    So … one night we left his place to stay at mine. (I read your post on how the narc uses the car and it was as you described it.)

    He started a fight in the car and when I ignored him and looked out of the window, he would pull my hair and kept pulling every time until it hurt. All the while he calmly muttered threats about what he should do to me, spoken as if these were passing thoughts. I was bawling, begging him to slow down — petrified and trapped.

    He continued to berate me even at my apartment, at one point knocking the cigarrette out of my hand. This night was the only time he was physical with me.

    Then things got really weird.

    He started to hit himself in the head over and over, then stopped suddenly, giving me a look I’d never seen in anyone’s eyes. He’s a very large man and I’m a buck and some change.

    Instinct told me to show submission and I laid back on the bed, slowly, maintaining eye contact as he stood there with that look. It was a vacant stare, yet filled with palpable threat. Then he turned away without a word and went to the bar to mix a drink.

    I was breathless, literally struggling to breath.

    This happened midway into our relationship (during which I withheld fuel, but didn’t know that’s what I was doing then; just didn’t believe in worshipping the ground on which he walked!)

    Does this sound like a psychotic break to you HG? Or a display of fury?

    1. HG Tudor says:


      1. mistynolan01 says:

        Thank you for the answer, HG. It was a frightening display I’ll never forget. I was physically abused by my ex-husband, and I’d never been as afraid of him as I was that night with the ex-narc.

        P.S I see you got some fuel above! You deserve it.

  7. Angelic says:

    Wow HG

    This is a new information.

    Does the primary source always have to be one that lives full time with the narcissist?
    Or it can still be a primary source because it is the one that the narcissist spend more time with?
    Could apply this to a narcissists who is still living with parents, although an adult?

  8. Hannah says:

    Can one live with two IPSS for a long time, over a year, without securing an IPPS or seeming to even want to?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Subject to other elements of the fuel matrix, it is possible yes.

  9. Lisa says:

    And if he cant get any supply? What then? Can he live off all the negative/positive supply from tertiary supply only HG? TY.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No, tertiary fuel alone is not sufficient Lisa, it would result in a fuel crisis.

      1. Lisa says:

        Thanks HG. My thought was though, IF the fuel crisis did not get fixed, then what?? Mental asylum? Jail thats come from rampage (or the like)? Isolation of themselves? Anything??

        1. HG Tudor says:

          If the fuel crisis is not fixed and fuel drops, the construct will start to collapse, restlessness and irritation will give way to desperation, depression withdrawal, loss of interest in matters surrounding the narcissist, personal neglect will occur, isolation, potentially a psychotic episode.

          1. Lisa says:

            THANK YOU HG. That is the explanation I was looking for. Admittedly I should probably have known that answer (by now), but I do admit to being a bit ‘ditzy’ on occasion.
            That explanation fits the tHiNg, from what I have heard. Oh dear…..he IS in a bad way.. hmmm. Best I stay out of his line of fire (psychotic episode) if he does decide to venture out. Thank you. 😉

          2. HG Tudor says:

            No problem.

  10. superxena says:

    HG! What is the probability of a Greater Somatic to start fading? I know Greaters have a very extensive fuel matrix…in case of an hibrid Greater that has the Somatic and Cerebral I guess the probability is low or non existant. But by instance my exGreater Somatic is reaching 55 years old and was very concerned about the fact that he was losing his muscle mass…he was consuming steroids but it comes to an age that that does not help and has many negative side effects( like impotence) . If it is harder to get a new IPPS can he “fade away”?

  11. Irie says:

    Thank you HG I now have an understanding as to why my narc was so hell bent on me not visiting ” his” pub and then furious enough to say he’d never speak to me as long as he lives when i started going there. The people he spent time with there were his core source of fuel after he discarded me. We were together 5’yrs everyone knew him but no one knew He was in a relationship . We live in a farming county. Very few pubs and he is a rather shy person . He has always spent time alone except when hopping from one empty pub to another . Any idea what the future holds for this one ?

    1. The Breakfast Club movie immediately popped into my mind!

  12. BC says:

    What’s going to happen to the narcs if all the empaths wise up big thanks to your work?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Well there is a rather long way to go before they do that and in reality not all will wise up to what we are, so there will still be sufficient victims available for us.

  13. Pamela Bergner says:

    Btw i would take care of yr daughter inn, a heartbeat

  14. Jaeger says:

    My friends ex hubs was a mailman. Perfect narc job. He was somatic so walked everyday. Talked to everyone on his route. Slept with lonely women on route. Got gifts for holidays. Knew everything about potential ipps from type of letters they received. If you ignited his fury he would crush your packages, lose your letters or crumple up the letters. Guess that’s a warning to be nice to the mail carrier. Narcs hidden in plain sight.

  15. Jenna says:

    My ex slipped into depression after i escaped him. After hoovering for two months, i gave in and we re-united as friends. He said he felt like he has a new life due to my friendship. But his depression continued, due to a few other pple finding out about his online dating profiles. Almost a year later, he is better. He said he made a conscious effort and trained his mind to do so.

  16. K says:

    My ex-boyfriend’s sister blew through all her sources but she was able to secure another source in another country using her computer. She moved and is trying to get citizenship last I heard. I pity the poor man.

    1. K says:

      Around April 10th, his sister posted on Facebook: “I need to take a media break…it hurts way too much when the people I love “block me”.
      Definitely makes me feel like a failure…I can no longer be what people want me to be…I am who I am…that has to be good enough.”

      You are a narcissist and your children are sick of you!

      This was sent to me on my phone by my daughter; I do not use any social media.

  17. This is what happened to me. Small town midrange narc, pulled away but when I asked to break up, didn’t want to. Had to secure new primary source in new area. Told me he was visiting his mom for a week. Called me a million times a day when he left. A month passed and I cussed him out for not coming home. Didn’t call him for a week, and when I did my number was blocked. He had secured his new primary source. I was discarded. This article is what happened to me.

  18. lansealan says:

    What happens afterwards when #3 and the black hole take place? I would assume an extended depressive period? How long and what does the narc do to recover?…when no potential for fuel is in the horizon and on top of that, heavily damaged self-esteem that leaves them delapitated and unmotivated?

    1. lansealan says:

      Can a narcissist “throw in the towel”?

      1. HG Tudor says:

        We dis-engage.

  19. Ms brown says:

    So this is (how you perceive), what you have to look forward to?

  20. Is it right in thinking a discard can still take place upon an IPPS WITHOUT having secured another one? Say, out of anger/in the moment/smirky and full of himself’?…

    And then later regretting it but being too cowardly to actually message out of principle? This would probably only apply to a Lesser or Mid-Range.

  21. I was an IPPS to a Mid-Range, and when I found out he was flirting with one of his female secondary sources, I contacted her. It didn’t work though, she thought the sun shined out of his ass. I can laugh at it now though.
    I got to find out just how many women were actually involved, and this article glues down the scattered jigsaw puzzle pieces for me.

    The truth feels good from over here. So good that I’m going to smoke a cigarette.

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