Skewed Fidelity

The question of fidelity often intrigues me. If one of your friends came to you and said that their other half has been unfaithful, in what form do you immediately think that the act of unfaithfulness has taken place? I will wager than in the vast majority of cases you will think that him or her has slept with someone else. I am perplexed by how people become so upset if the form of infidelity is the fact that someone has slept with someone else. It may be a one-off drunken occurrence and the name of the other party was not even known or most likely has now been forgotten. Certainly from my perspective an act of physical infidelity is meaningless – it has no resonance with me in terms of forming a bond with the other person. It is purely an act by which we draw them into our web or most likely for the purposes of drawing a reaction from you because we know, for some reason, you get most upset about the fact we engaged in physical contact with another person even though it may not be repeated and meant nothing to us. The act itself rarely generates any pleasure for us, it is the reactions that arise from it that are the aim. Similarly, if one spends time with another member of the opposite sex, that also seems to generate a reaction too. Why is that? You remark about having friends (some of whom are of the opposite sex) so why can we not do so and why must you become so agitated when we explain we are going to lunch with that person or attending a show with him or her? Is it perhaps the fact we are not spending the time with you since we are spending time with another? Is it not borne out of your jealousy and insecurity, rather than anything we have done that is deemed to be morally reprehensible? Now, I can comprehend that you feel distraught should your partner be sharing their hopes, fears and deepest secrets with someone else. I am aware from extensive studying of other people that an individual feels most betrayed when they know their partner has been engaging in soul-searching with another person, conveying their deepest feelings and heart felt concerns. Oddly enough, you need not be concerned about me doing that, even though I am spending time with someone else. I know from the things that you have said to me that the emotional connection you feel with someone trumps everything else. If you regard that emotional connection being shared between you and someone else or even diverted away from you to that other person, then quite a reaction indeed arises from you. Yet, do you not demonstrate hypocrisy in adopting this attitude? I know for a fact (since I have listened in on your conversations) that you talk about everything to your sister and two of your friends. Is that not sharing or diverting your emotional connection with others instead of me? In fact, you divulge all of the details in lengthy analytical discussions. I may spend time with other women but I tell you this, I do not go into the intricacies of how I feel. I do not discuss what might trouble me or what is gnawing at my mind. It is true. I am too busy charming them by showing off about my achievements, my promotion, my wealth and my urbane charm. I am engaging in telling them ultimately banal and ephemeral things about me in order to draw them closer to me to extract fuel from them. I am listening to their intimate details in order to use them against that person at a later date. I do not pour out the contents of my heart to this individual, I have no need to and indeed I am not wired this way. Thus, your irate reactions when you learn I have been for a coffee with a new neighbour are misplaced. It is I who has the basis for complaining about you spending two hours on the telephone to your friend poring over our relationship in detail. Interestingly, should you learn that I had been spotted kissing some random lady in a bar late at night in a transient and brief liaison you hit the roof.
If you analysed my behaviour you might actually regard it in a different light. Is spending time with a member of the opposite sex being unfaithful? We have an enjoyable time, laugh and joke, yet do not indulge in any physical interaction nor sharing of secrets. The physical liaisons are meaningless too save for the reaction we generate from gaining an admirer (and sometimes we are not ultimately bothered about that) and more usually about your massive emotional response to learning of our one night stand with person unnamed.
Now, I do not want you to change, heavens no. If you did then I would lose so much fuel by you not reacting to these alleged acts of infidelity but you may like to consider, having read my observations on our behaviour from my point of view, whether it really is the sin you consider it to be.

113 thoughts on “Skewed Fidelity

  1. giulia says:

    Think of Frida Kahlo and Diego Rivera.
    You never know what’s between two people.

    1. NarcAngel says:

      Ya I do
      Between Frida and Diego was a huge friggin monobrow.

      1. Love says:

        Ahhhhhhhhhh haaaaaaa haaaaa!

      2. windstorm2 says:


      3. giulia says:

        Ahh… 😉 wish I had her monobrow….and I’d take her talent too

  2. Angelic says:

    I am actually speechless

    so cleverly twist it.

  3. giulia says:

    Cheating is never something just as that. It depends how it’s done and what happens after. How it’s dealt with.
    The Love of my life cheated on me. Extensively. He kissed and touched all of my female “friends”. And did a threesome with a female friend of mine and another guy.
    I never considered those as cheating. He was retaliating against me.
    My “friends” on the other side….they took advantage of our problems to try to take him away from me.
    Then they all came back to me crying bc they felt used and betrayed me:
    whatever….Eventually me and him started again….without all of the others in between.
    However, if the cheating is done bc he likes the other woman and wants to have a ride then it’s a deal breaker for me. The break is not caused by the sex, the break is before that. Something must have died. And there’s no point in staying together anymore.
    As for the talking is the same thing. It depends how it’s done. You can talk to someone and feel you are detaching from your lover or the opposit.
    It’s what you are looking for that defines what you are doing.
    And if you are looking for something different or to satisfy an undefined need that your lover can’t satisfy….well…then there isn’t much to do.

  4. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:

    There were so many reasons why I stopped having sex with mine but I also believe I intuitively was picking up on something and that had something to do with it as well.

  5. Lisa says:

    “What utter rubbish”. Ohhh I must be getting my sense of humour back. I found that comment most amusing HG. Most amusing…..😆

  6. Nicnocturnal says:

    For me personally I have some fabulous male friends but would never seek to manipulate them in any way to make my partner jealous (that worked out so very well haha). Or their partners either. The difference is that for me there’s no agenda to engage with them to either validate myself or denigrate another.

    Our intuition warns us early on that you require this opportunistic scavenging for your star to shine but we naively overlook it or don’t understand it and think the problem is us. So we therefore feel off kilter from that moment and this may explain the feelings of jealousy or insecurity we get even if we haven’t in previous relationships. Which you can then manipulate to suit. I agree though, emotional infidelity is worse than physical. It’s the reason I never talked about my ex until after the discard.

    You are the masters at compartmentalising. The rest of us, not so much. Everything is always intertwined. So in reality you will always have the advantage right from the start.

  7. RecoveringNarcoholic says:

    When my narc was grooming his new supply, he apparently didn’t sleep with her until he’d officially given me the final discard. The reasons were obvious: plausible deniability and maintaining the façade. When I accused him of having a relationship going with someone else, he became enraged, swore he hadn’t had sex with anyone but me, and said “Don’t you know me at all? How could you think I’d do that?”. Didn’t bother to deny having a relationship — just sex. And I believed him; still do — although I’ve since gotten proof that he’d been spending time with her for quite a while before he discarded me. To him, being “a good guy” in his own and everyone else’s eyes is paramount. And as long as he wasn’t rubbing body parts with someone else, he wasn’t “cheating” and was therefore blameless.

  8. frogbubb says:

    HG — regarding this article, it’s a total mind fuck. Totally!

    Regarding ICU, she reminds me of myself from a long time ago. I feel the chaos in the replies, and it is my reminder that I don’t want to be remembered like this. My interactions with my beloved creme de la creme Greater Narc did not reflect the person I truly am. The best advice I can give is if this site is causing any anxiety, she needs to find guidance elsewhere. There are a lot of helpful sites out there — just search “recovery npd”.

  9. NarcAngel says:

    Fantastic post. Explains a lot.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you.

  10. K says:

    My ex had 7 girlfriends, I couldn’t keep track of their names so the first three were numbered.

    1. #1
    2. #2
    3. #3
    4. DTM
    5. Bitsy
    6. Josie

    7. The Supreme was Siri. He couldn’t put her down if his life depended on it. I have no idea how he showered and he devalued her too.

    He took his girlfriends out wherever and whenever he wanted. I didn’t care and I told him to have fun and tell the girl(s) I said,”Hi.” Sometimes he took out two at a time (triangulation). He was completely free. Control is anathema to me. Our relationship was rather unconventional and this was the list before he targeted his current IPPS. I spoke to #s 1 & 2 recently and they are all done with my ex. They hate him and his IPPS with a passion.

    1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:

      I mean some people can have other arrangements and that is fine.

      As long as both parties know whats up

      1. Ms brown says:


      2. NarcAngel says:

        Dr Q
        Not too many can pull that off but its a fair point.

      3. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:

        No hate on swingers but i have no idea how they do it lol…

        I’m actually amazed by them.

    2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:

      I hope you did your thing too lol!

      1. K says:

        Dr. Harleen Quinzel
        I most certainly did.

      2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:

        Good I’m glad! LOL

        I would have done the same thing lmao

      3. K says:

        Dr. Harleen Quizel

        We had a long relationship and these were the girlfriends I knew about. DTM was discarded. Those initials stand for Dead To Me. I think #3 has been discarded and as of Dec. 2016 Josie was on her way out, too. She criticized him in front of a client. He is trying to promote Bitsy into his inner circle to triangulate her with his current IPPS. By the end of August 2014, I knew our relationship was toast, so I had to figure out how to get rid of him and I, also, chose to no longer be faithful. I met a nice man at the local library. It started out with mild flirting, then we would meet behind non-fiction so we could make out and octopus each other. It was great.

      4. theletterafterj says:

        Dr. Harleen Quinzel

        Our relationship was long and these are the girlfriends I knew about. By August 2014, I knew our relationship was over so I had to figure out how to get rid of him and I, also, chose to no longer be faithful at this point. I met a nice man at the local library and we would meet behind non-fiction and make out and octopus each other. It was great!


      5. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:

        I’m glad you had you’re fun at the very least!

        The library is where it’s at huh?

        I remember in college people would go behind the stacks at night and bang.

        Maybe I will start frequenting the library? Lmao 😂

  11. superxena says:

    HG! Excellent answer to Yolo clarifying why you allow some comments. I have been in your blog for 5 months now and I found them very educational. Although as a new might make you lose the track. Perhaps it would be good to have this clarification somewhere in your blog for all to read? It is very educational the way you clasify the different commentator’s contributions!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you Superxena, good point, I may add that in the menu to save me from keep making the point.

      1. superxena says:

        Your welcome HG! It sounds like a great idea writing this clarification and division of different posts by commentators on the menu bar!

  12. MLA - Clarece says:

    Professionally, over the years, I’ve worked with 3 different men, (different companies), who were married. They would never have lunch with a female, whether co-worker or client, alone. They would always want another party present. It was always done out of respect to their wives. When I was younger, I thought it was overblown. I was married at the time. But now being single for several years and so many jerks out there, I’ve changed my stance, and find it a very considerate gesture. It goes down to not even letting a temptation have a chance when you’ve taken a bow.

    1. MLA - Clarece says:


    2. Ms brown says:

      definitely respectful of the spouse and the marriage…

      1. MLA - Clarece says:

        I agree. A code of conduct with high integrity and worthy of a lot of respect.

    3. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:

      It is a very considerate gesture I agree.

      I’ll keep it completely real – once someone crosses me when it comes to cheating there is no coming back. I would NEVER let that person touch me ever again. Too bad I didn’t find out for sure about my ex boyfriends many sexcapades because I can assure you I would have deaded that situation so fast and never looked back.

      Everyone has their deal breakers….that is in the top two.

      Run and don’t look back lol.

  13. This makes so much sense. The ones who are bothered over physical ‘cheating’ antics are a bit shallow, as a deep and meaningful bond is what makes things special. It’s the ‘socially unacceptable’ rules that cause problems – we need to stop following suit and start feeling our own ones. We’re not in charge of or responsible for the things other people get up to, we’re responsible for our own. There’s no right or wrong, just reactions. Acceptance and the flow of it is what brings peace.

  14. superxena says:

    Oh yes HG! I read what you wrote and I find it quite familiar. This I heard from my ex narc many,many times.. Why then don’t you apply the same logic the other way around? How comes this logic was not applied when I had contact with male friends? I couldn’t even speak on the phone with my male friends without him being VERY JEALOUS and me being punished!!That is what I call DOUBLE STANDARDS …YOU can do it but WE can’t..Can we??? THAT WILL IGNITE YOUR FURY!!!

  15. Ms brown says:

    I luv this! This is new post, yes? I wish I could pick every piece of this with you, but not here in your space…. I would get attacked by so called “empaths”… because, I understand and I agree… i am aware of a lot right now, about much, in myself more so than others in my personal and professional life…..reflecting and quiet for now…. THX

  16. SJ says:

    Yes. It’s a sin against your partner.
    As an empath, sex can be a very spiritual experience. Let yourself go enough and you lose sight of where you end and where your partner begins.
    I’ve had a few one night stands outside of being in a relationship, and it’s true, they were meaningless.
    A one night stand or any sexual congress while in a relationship is a total betrayal of trust. For an empath, it’s like taking a dulled down rusty saw and slowly force cutting your way through that spiritual bonding.
    I can’t say I’ve never entertained the possibility, but taking action would be tantamount to Caesar taking the old knife in the back by his most trusted associates.

  17. I am curious, as I have read in your posts on more then a few occasions. Do you not feel enjoyment from the physical act of having sex? I understand that certainly it does not mean to you what it does to us emotionally, but physically there isn’t enjoyment for your kind? Are you attracted to certain woman physically? Do you feel that crazy attraction and chemistry with certain women or is that all fake as well? I would like to know.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      See Sex and the Narcissist

      1. strongerwendy says:

        yes, read it BL, but warning: The first half will make you miss sex…!

  18. I am not religious, so I don’t believe in sin. However, infidelity has more to do with betrayal of the sacred bond/attachment with me.
    When you engage in an intimate act with a stranger it is an even worse betrayal.
    For me personally, since I m giving up on finding anyone grown up and super empathic on my level of the opposite sex, it is more of a concern for my intimate health, it is a hygiene issue. I shudder to think about his contact with a filthy std ridden person that is a disregard for my physical health. An empath wouldn’t take such risk to his and his partners health.

    1. Shannon says:

      I agree, I am more concerned with my physical health when it comes to cheating. That’s where the disrespect comes into play for me.

  19. penny dropped says:

    okay…. so I’m just off out to spend the night with my friend ”Dave” Just going to enjoy his company, and maybe, or maybe not more. But hey… no biggy. I don’t know why you feel the need to make a big deal out of it.

  20. strongerwendy says:

    Mr. Tudor,
    How would you react if your partner had a meaningless one night stand or hung out with a friend of the opposite sex? Would that be “no big deal” to you?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Of course not.

      1. MLA - Clarece says:

        Because you know what potential lies ahead. Even if you know it wouldn’t generate from her, you don’t trust the other’s persons intentions.
        It’s projection.

    2. Love says:

      Strong W, is it possible for an empathic person to have a ‘meaningless’ sexual encounter? We bond and exchange emotions. How else would it be enjoyable?

      1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:

        A mental connection lol

        My sexual connections are usually more mental lol

        1. Love says:

          Lol, my logic and common sense are never allowed in the room. They have to wait outside.

      2. strongerwendy says:

        You are right. It’s best when there is a physical and mental connection.

      3. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:

        I feel as though there are three ways to be attracted to someone: emotionally, physically, mentally.

        The mental piece to me is probably the most important sexually speaking…

        Nothing beats a good mindfuck…

      4. strongerwendy says:

        No, i don’t think we (empaths) can have a meaningless sexual encounter.

  21. ISeeYou says:

    Also, when you sleep with more than one partner, you are tangling psychic cords. Women aren’t getting jealous of other seemingly random women for no reason. It’s because these fluids are binding and create an emotional bond between all parties involved.

    So if you feel uncomfortable towards someone in your circle of friends, it IS because you have been sharing a sexual partner somehow.

    1. Yolo says:

      I see you, i feel you on some comments. They label you crazy but you are a true example of what can happen after dealing with these sickos. HG, or whomever you know him to be allows your comments for a reason. Allbeit, to triangulate you with the commentors or for entertainment. There’s definitely a motive, I hope you heal from your past experiences and predict most will continue the cycle of entangled with these types. Misery love company and i must say most are miserable and will never remove their own mask.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Hello Yolo, yes I allow them for a reason. You may have missed the explanation, so I will repeat it:-

        1. I allowed a number of comments to be posted, not for triangulation, but rather to demonstrate the manifestation of a form of behaviour.
        2. In common with other posts, how people comment shows how they have responded to/are part of the narcissistic dynamic.
        3. Accordingly, the comments which come through may show
        a. Robustness in overcoming the effect of being ensnared by a narcissist
        b. Co-dependence
        c. Misery, ongoing hurt and pain, hopelessness
        d. Anger and hatred
        e. Desire for revenge
        f. Complete bewilderment and lack of understanding
        g. Psychosis
        h. Be the comments of narcissists who do not realise what they are
        I. Be the comments of ‘wannabes’
        j. Be the comments of those infatuated with the narcissist

        This is a broad church and both the opinions offered and the content of the post exhibit a wide range of responses to being ensnared with our kind or part of the dynamic as a whole.
        Even when the comments appear irrelevant/non-sensical and or gratuitous, I allow them (for a period of time) to demonstrate a facet of this topic. After a while I call a halt to them as it becomes repetitive and clogs up the comments. I also remove those which are libellous.

        Thus you are correct; there is a motive, but it is not entertainment, although you know about entertainment don’t you?!!

      2. Yolo says:

        I appreciate your all inclusive response. Of course regalement, i know all so well.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You are welcome.

    2. Twilight says:

      The only energy exchange is between the two, your energy doesn’t exchange with the one they cheated on. Yet you can sense the other person on them, yet this still could be the fact the were in close proximity, not an affair.
      This is still not a fact you can base any accusations on.
      Now being caught or coming home and a smelling funny, that is more fact based. Then the choice is yours in how you handle things.

    3. NarcAngel says:

      Dont look now but I think your cord is too tight.

  22. ISeeYou says:

    When a man cheats on a woman and then comes back home and sleeps with his girlfriend or wife… the other woman’s hormones, pheromones and vaginal fluids, which were lodged inside the man’s urethra, are then injected into his wife/girlfriend.

    This is the cause of many problems. It causes estrogen overload in both the man and the woman. It causes the woman’s vagina to become looser due to an incorrect hormonal balance. It causes both men and women to gain weight. It causes cancer and many, many other diseases.

    When a man sleeps with another man and then sleeps with a woman, he effectively injects that man’s feces deep into her body. This is a killer. Because ALL feces carries disease.

    No, it does not matter how much you shower or clean yourself in between sexual partners. It takes two people to release the stored fluids. I’m pretty sure God made us this way on purpose.

    So, you may not care… but you ARE killing yourself and your partners when you cheat.

    Cheating is the number one cause of aging.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      What utter rubbish.

      1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:

        I love being reminded that my ex injected feces or that another man slobbed on his knob lmao. If he had been with a woman I would have hated him just the same.

    2. strongerwendy says:

      Ugh! I was trying to eat something… fluids and feces and urethras…oh my.

      1. Ms brown says:

        lol, strongerwendy!

    3. NarcAngel says:

      And here I thought the number one cause of aging was the sun.
      Also, if you have an active sex life, according to you the vagina becomes loose. How then do you keep your vagina from spilling out of your underwear?
      (Shaking my head) The things you dont know until someone tells you.

      1. Twilight says:

        Spill out, AH hell you are doing serious damage to my imagination, I am throughly grossed out. This just goes right up there with the woman I walked in on who’s boobs were so saggy they were almost down to her knees, I mean seriously all flat except at the bottom, I just asked if she rolled them up and tucked them in as I walked back out of the room. It was truly a disturbing sight for me.

        1. NarcAngel says:

          Haha. I’ll exercise a little blame shifting here and say that its your imagination-what you do with it is your business. Disturbing yes. Sounds like sand in the toes of two wet socks. Youd think shed at least pin them to her shoulders. Time does march on, one day soon I’ll be a 36 long. Sigh.

          1. Twilight says:

            NA she is younger then I am, I could understand an older lady but one in her mid 20’s
            I do get my jabs in, as to I know who/what she is. Lol my twisted amusement

          2. Twilight says:

            I will say I am fully responsible for my creative imagination, yet you just give it a kick with YOUR comments.
            I really do feel sorry for the next one if I decided to date, if he is normal.

          3. NarcAngel says:

            Report to HG remedial.

          4. Twilight says:


            Lol 😂

      2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:

        Kegels LMAO sorry I couldn’t help myself.

        1. Twilight says:

          Dr. Harlem Quinzel

          I do find your comments insightful and comical lately.
          There are there are things out there Ajax won’t scrub off, I agree with the disrespect aspect of infidelity

      3. Narc affair says:

        I do my kegels daily! They strengthen orgasms too lol

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I manipulate daily. It strengthens my hold over people.

          1. NarcAngel says:

            Re:manipulation and hold over people
            Yup. Thats what the result of kegels can do, so sometimes were on the same page lol.

          2. MLA - Clarece says:

            Boooo! Thumbs down!

      4. Narc affair says:

        Thats the narcs ultimate orgasm in life…control over others. If you asked a narcissist to give up their orgasms forever or control theyd give up the orgasms and sexual pleasure.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I’d still take both, after all I am entitled to them.

      5. Narc affair says:

        Theres the empath in me again “asking” 😊

      6. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:


        That cracked me up lol!

      7. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:


        Wait did you walk in on your dude or ex with another chick who had saggy boobs?

        If you did and didn’t manage to end up in handcuffs i salute you cause damn

        1. Twilight says:

          Dr. Quinzel
          Lol no, it was just random as to I was back home and it was a relative. After so many years of hearing about the different ailments they have, and worrying about them, I realized what they were doing.
          We grew up together, not in the same house thou. So every time I get to hear about the newest strain of whatever the fuck is the worst possible thing, I just say tuck and roll. They shut up and move along.

      8. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:

        Twilight – let the chick have your sloppy seconds lol

        she is either a victim or a shithead lol

        these guys often have to prey on younger ones cuase people in their late 20s and in their age bracket wont look at their bum bitch ass

      9. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:


        That chick better buckle up lmao she has no idea what the hell she is in for lmao.

      10. polgal says:

        Both, you and I, lol.

      11. ANK says:

        ‘How then do you keep your vagina from spilling out of your underwear?’
        NarcAngel, I haven’t laughed so much in ages! A little hysterically I’ll admit.

    4. Kittie says:

      I think you are way off base, ISeeYou. Have you ever heard of condoms?

    5. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:

      well get the botox and juvaderm ready for me LMAO

    6. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:

      The stress will cause aging lol…

      The thought of someone elses bodily fluids in me just makes me wanna vom – because overall its just unsanitary and shit there are so many disgusting diseases out there…gross lol!

      Most importantly….it is the disrespect…I do NOT like to be disrespected.

      I used to explain – I’m not jealous….I don’t like to be disrespected lol

      1. NarcAngel says:

        Dr Q
        Kinda like when I say Im a bitch but Im not mean?

      2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:

        HAHA yes..lmao..but

        i don’t think you come off as a bitch….


        I don’t think you come off as mean…

        but i don’t doubt you are intense when you are pissed lmao

      3. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:

        ladies if he wants to take some chick let him and be like bye have fun with that shit NEXT LOL

    7. Love says:

      Ah but my dear I.C.U, orgasms are the number # 1 cure for wrinkles.
      Wearing a full body condom will prevent all the diseases you listed.

      1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:

        An even cheaper method – You could always seran wrap your … everything

  23. Notavictim says:

    This is so interesting point of view. HG you claim infidelities are meaningless emotionally to you, and that we should not be upset, yet if we are not upset you are upset bec you don’t have fuel.
    It doesn’t mean anything- why are you upset? Wait- why are you not upset? Be upset.
    I believe this is word salad.

    1. Narc affair says:

      Its all about the cycle. The cycle reboots the relationship and renews you in their eyes. Without devalue you become dead and stale to them. No matter if you get upset or you act like it doesnt bother you you will be devalued just in a different way. If you are upset and act out the narc will relish in that and dish out more insecurity inducing behaviors. If you act like you dont care they will do the same or inflict a silent treatment. I disengage so he sees i can walk away even tho i know this isnt fully the truth.
      The bottom line is the cycle is part of the disorder and there is no key to stopping it. At least not anything ive seen so far.
      Narc cycle = relationship reboot insane as it may be

  24. Cc says:

    I love you.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I know.

  25. Narc affair says:

    Slowly im becoming more convinced we as humans were not meant to be with one person. It sounds awful and years ago id never say it but it flies in the face of all of human nature and procreation.
    I no longer care if my narc has other sources. In fact the more i learn about narcissism i realise narcissists need to survive on more than one source. Do i like it…no but its reality. What i dont agree with is…the triangulation, shelving and devaluing. If these three aspects of npd within a romantic relationship could vanish id be able to better accept the fact of other women. It never works out that way tho bc the narc never remains constant in their behavior.
    Trust is another biggie…the reason why we think its a big deal our narcs are going for coffee etc with the opposite sex is bc we dont trust the narc or the other woman to change the dynamics of oir relationship. Just like you want your fuel we want our relationship to remain intact and in a golden state. Another woman/man comes along and that could all change. Its the fluctuations we dont want or at least i dont. If i knew my narc would keep doing what hes doing and not change then id have no issues him being with others.

    1. strongerwendy says:

      I’m kind of shocking myself, but I think I agree with you Narc Affair.

      1. windstorm2 says:

        Me too.

      2. strongerwendy says:

        I have thought about this some more. Nope, at the end of the day I would feel bad that there were other sources (if romantic in nature). It would be like being one of those sister wives or something (shudder).
        I do understand now, however, why they need the fuel and that they require the admiration fuel they get from an affair.

      3. Narc affair says:

        Strongerwendy…thats exactly what its like a sister wife except youve never met the others. If i didnt feel the way i do about him id never stay in a situation like this. That said, he is single and were not looking to live together or marry so i cant expect much from him in this respect. It is an affair opposed to a proper relationship. I hate using the word “affair” it sounds seedy and its much more than just sex. Were very close and have shared a lot over the years. The npd ruins trust tho and i know im dealing with a dysfunctioned individual.

    2. Mercy says:

      Wow you nailed it. I’ve been trying to figure out why it bothers me so much when a new source comes into the picture. Im not jealous of these women. I know they cant have him anymore than I can. I truly have no desire to be this man’s girlfriend. It would be a nightmare. BUT every new source changes the dynamic of OUR relationship. The fluctuations drive me insane.

    3. NarcAngel says:

      Narc affair
      I understand that very well.

    4. Notavictim says:

      Ah- but you don’t get it.
      If you don’t care- you provide your Narc with no fuel, therefore you will be shelved and discarded

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Shelved or dis-engaged.

      2. Narc affair says:

        Hi notavictim…oh i do get it only too well. It wouldnt matter if i ranted and raved about my suspicions over other supply sources the narc cycle goes on whether you react to it or you choose to focus on positive fuel. He gets plenty of fuel from me in other ways. I choose to give only positive fuel and save my energy/sanity. I have thought about throwing in the odd faked negative fuel to balance things out and keep him well fed but again the narc cycle…it will proceed regardless of what i do. I do express concern over things so he knows “i care”. Narcs are very insecure and want to know we are too. Its a disorder and only he can change and get help for it.
        When he tries to trigger me i disengage and take a time out then the minihoover pops up. Its the same cycle whether i am sane or i act like a crazy woman with jealousy and insecurity.
        When i said i dont care that wasnt entirely truthful. I do care but i have to accept that this is a disorder and hes codependant on others to feel good about himself. Its up to me if i allow him in my life and how. Thats been my biggest struggle along with my own codependency to him. Regardless you cant change others so its up to you if you accept them and where you draw the line and no longer accept it.

    5. ANK says:


      You say it doesn’t bother you if the narc has other sources. No jealousy? And would it mean that emotions aren’t engaged as much?

      Trust and honesty are definitely big issues. The dynamics do change when there is a new source, because they are getting all the attention, the golden period, the constant texts, etc which once were ours.

      Maybe this is the future of relationships – be emotionally detached and less chance of hurt?

      1. Narc affair says:

        Hi Ank….yes i do feel jealousy over the narc having other sources but thats only when he covertly plants seeds of insecurity about them in my face. Ive never had concrete proof but im certain he has others in the wings. Hes told me im irreplacable and i do feel hed never discard me but theres ways to disengage without having to be unpresent. For instance the sex tapers off from what it was, not responding to calls as timely as he once did, not as intimate and cuddley. Its hard to put a finger on it exactly bc its very subtle. I consider this partial shelving. Then theres the davaluing mind games etc. All of these go back to his npd and the narc cycle.
        What i had meant is if the relatonship stayed somewhat constant and the dynamics didnt change then id have no issue him with other women. You have to remember my situation is not typical. I know were not in it for a proper relationship. I love him deeply but i have no fantasies we will live together nor would i want to. I enjoy our relationship on a casual basis. I would feel jealous if i seen him with someone else. Id rather not know.

  26. strongerwendy says:

    Hmm. Interesting.

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