Eyes Wide Shut


Will you ever recognise me as I walk towards you, rictus grin fixed across my face, eyes ablaze with love, passion and desire? Will you notice the way I keep you in my sights as my charm flows over you, seeping into your every pore and orifice? Will you take heed of the sugar-coated words as they spill from my mouth, telling you so remarkably all the things that you want to hear? Will you take note of the phrases which have been recycled again and again and possess the novelty of a cliché? Will you look deep into my eyes and see past your reflection or will you remain transfixed by what shines in these dulled, dark eyes? Will you question how is it that I know so much about you, where you live, where you work, your hobbies and your hates? Will you feel the chill down your spine as I appear once again without warning at a location you frequent or will you regard it as the tingling sensation of excitement and the thrill of my alluring personality? Will you question the platitudes that I issue, like confetti sprinkled on the breeze or will you smile and nod and savour the warmth that rises within you as I tell you how wonderful you are and that we belong together? Will you frown at my declaration of love within a day and a night and a day of meeting you or will you accept and swallow those carefully crafted words without a moment’s consideration? Will you wonder how my hands and mouth became so skilled or will you submit to their heady application and give breathless thanks that they are laid upon you? Will you query how this golden light continues to shine and wonder why you were chosen above all the others? Will you see through the veneer of scathing hatred for those who have gone before you or will you become co-conspirator and sneer at her or at him, disgusted by their lack of dignity in the way that they behave? Will you not ask yourself whether their words ring with truth and why they look as if their very essence has been sucked from them, leaving naught but a fractured shell? Will you wonder why the gifts keep on coming? Will you question the forbidden fruits that have been laid before you or will you gorge on them, delirious with desire and elated by the ecstasy of our largesse?

Will you recognise me when I turn my face from you when you try to kiss me? Will you know what is happening when you are left in a tearful heap on the floor for the third time in a week or will you flagellate yourself for your shortcomings? Will you notice as the triangles are weaved around you and your best friend becomes your supposed enemy, but by whose say so? Will you fight back against the control that is exerted on the way you look, what you choose to do and who you interact with or will you accept it and allow your sense of self to evaporate? Will you understand what is happening to you as you crawl alone into that ice-cold bed, this once haven of sexual congress that now lies like an empty tomb ? Will you realise what is going on as you blink back tears as the clock shows 3am and you have no idea where I am?  Will you stand up for yourself when you are labelled whore, slattern, idiot and fool or will you bow your head and retreat, thankful that your injuries are only verbal. This time. Will you remember what you once were ? Will you remain bound by the chains of confusion or will you break them across your knee and free yourself from your cruel bondage?

Will you recognise me as my hand grips your throat and my bile-infused words rain down on you, spittle flecked hatred peppering your face? Will you dial my number for the fiftieth time in two hours as you desperately try to hear my voice and ask me, beg me, plead for me to come home? Will you wince as another dinner set falls prey to my savage fury ? Will you kneel and pick up the pieces, fingers shaking as you fumble for the broken shards that lie scattered across the floor? Will you know what is being systematically done to you each and every day or will you obscure the reality by praying for that golden light to come back and dispel the darkness? Will you recognise me for what I truly am or will you make yet another excuse, wondering what will happen when you run dry of the excuses and hastily constructed explanations for my reign of terror?

Will you recognise me as I cast you aside, shoved into the dirt and sneered at? Will you look up from the smouldering ruins of what we once had and see her (or is it you?) looking back at you with disdain writ large across her made-up features? She seems so familiar, do you know her, there is such a fog now and it clouds so much. Will you understand why you have been forgotten about as your numbed fingers compose another searching e-mail, asking for explanations that will not come, expressing tearful anger that will be smiled at, detailing your abject hurt which will only ever receive a dismissive shrug?

Will you recognise me for what I am when I reach out a hand and lift you from your broken existence? Will you know what truly is going to happen as I lead you once more towards the brilliant, burning golden light? Will you feel the prick of caution in your mind or will you gladly race towards the promised land once again, concern and hesitation thrown to one side? Will you notice the rictus grin once again as you race ahead of me? Will you pay attention to the darkened glint in my baleful gaze or will you charge headlong towards the paradise,  addicted to its warmth and glorious sensations? Will you recognise me as I close the door behind us, bolt it and turn the heavy iron key in the lock as the thick drapes are pulled across the dirt-smeared windows? Will you notice the sharpened dagger that I have produced and hold behind my back?

Will you stop and glance in the shattered mirror that dominates this place and if you do, will you recognise yourself?

33 thoughts on “Eyes Wide Shut

  1. Victoria says:

    Great article HG! Reading it reminded m,e ever so clearly, of those never ending cycles: Seduce-Golden-devalue-discard-hoover. You writing is so vivid and clear. Thanks for reminding me 🙂

  2. Giulia says:

    @ms brown, well yes but my point was the passage between numebr 9 and NO HUMAN. Iseeyou translates the number 9 in letters and she uses english to do that. Why english? Why not Aramaic, that is the language that Jesus spoke, why not the Kabalah which associates the letter Tet to that number? Why not the languages of the ancient bibles?
    I could argue the operation that adds the three 6, because it forces the revelation but for entertainment we can do that but what happens after in Iseeyou explanation is left to itself.

  3. sarabella says:

    “Will you ever recognise me as I walk towards you, rictus grin fixed across my face, eyes ablaze with love, passion and desire?”

    after 30 years, this was him. Last I had seen him, he had always ignored me.I had already gone through the cycle it appears as a teen. He picks me up, full of love and kisses ne on the lips, hos belly touching mine. One week later, I find myself staring into the most rage filled, bitter, hateful eyes listening to him denigrate me while engaging in a massive push/pull dance.

    The contrast was what traumatized me for the 2 years following and few could explain my experience it as well as you HG. I mean I heard the emotional stories on survivor forums, had some advice on how to respond, but you explained it so well, painted such a clear picture of it that I finally started to get it and get over it. I felt so locked in the trauma of it for so, so long. And to find it was such a game on every level. Narc even admitted as much but it was like I could hear it , “How could you?”!

    You helped me to finally hear it.

    1. sarabella says:

      that was “it was like I couldn’t hear it.”

      Hear him and his tells. They seemed so impossible, it had seemed so impossible he had done this to me. He had to be a monter. He got tired of me telling him he was one he said, and this is why he won’t ever hoover. Vut at least, I get why and how now.

    2. HG Tudor says:

      I am pleased to read that that is the case.

  4. Ms brown says:

    I had lunch with Vince Vaughn, in Chicago at Barney’s… just sayin

    1. giulia says:

      Awesome….wish I could kiss your used napkins right now.

      1. Ms brown says:

        That was last fall (no napkin) …. that video just triggered my comment…

  5. ISeeYou says:


    Random. Just reminded me of you 🙂

  6. ISeeYou says:

    And where exactly are you getting your statistics HG? The internet? The news? Fake history books?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      The Office for National Statistics and I went out with my tape measure too, just to be sure. I won’t ask you where you get your ‘information’ from, it’s entirely evident already it arises from the Big Bumper Book of Bollocks.

      1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:

        I just died LMAO…

  7. ISeeYou says:

    Personally, I think we’re already in hell. I believe we made it ourselves. Why in the world are we struggling so? Why is there constant buzzing and humming and lights and the sound of traffic? Why are we forced to work 9-5 within a giant ever expanding system of slavery? Why are we sending our offspring to the entity known as school? That setup was very effective at separating the family unit. Don’t “teachers” spend more time with the majority of children than do their parents?

    Why did we make the “economy” in the first place? I mean, if we hadn’t poured concrete and cement everywhere, then we wouldn’t have to drive and fly to “vacation destinations” because the world would still be green in all places.

    Who’s to say we didn’t bring bugs here from space travel and exploration? We have supposedly discovered evidence of space travel dating back to ancient Egypt… Stephen Hawking continuously references time travel while Stephen King writes about it.

    Are we so sure the time barrier hasn’t been breached?

    It would be very easy for those with lots of money to rewrite our history books and convince us all that our living circumstances were harsh in the beginning… when it’s entirely possible that wasn’t the case.

    If it was God speaking to us in the Old Testament, than why did our “loving god” instruct people to spy on each other, engage in wars and sacrifice animals and other humans? Why are the so called leaders of the Old Testament people who engaged in terrible behavior such as Abraham sleeping with his sister Sarah and then forcing a slave girl to bear his child? Noah molesting his son and blaming it on him, etc.

    Why is Jesus referred to as “The Morning Light” in Revelation 22, when that is the known monicker of Lucifer the fallen?

    Why is there a riddle at the end of the Bible that states that you better have discernment and try to figure out what “666 being a HUMAN number” means.

    The best I can do with that is, numerologically speaking, 666 adds up to 9 (nine), the letters rearranged spell nein which is the German word for “NO.”


    1. HG Tudor says:

      In the UK just 7 per cent of land is built on and that includes roads. I bet it’s less than 1 per cent in the U.S.

      1. AH OH says:

        Did you know that the country of The Republic of Congo has only 600 miles of roads for over 900 thousand square miles of land. It is the only place in the world where you will find, at this time, wild Bonobos.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Roads is stretching the use of the word.

      2. sarabella says:

        Yes, cracks me up when I read how we are running out of buildable land. So little is developed in the US. I live in the country on 18 acres, I have deer, coyote, wildlife and a garden. I staycation alot.

      3. sarabella says:

        i grew up in africa. Most countires have mostly dirt roads and only the major arteries are paved but are often full of potholes.

    2. giulia says:

      Iseeyou, you lost me. What letters did you rearrange if you got the triple digit number down to 9?
      I think I missed a step.

      1. Ms brown says:

        @giulia: 6+6+6=18….1+8=9
        It is a numerology concept

  8. Ms brown says:

    yes, it’s quite complicated, isn’t it?

  9. I won’t recognize myself after you have deconstructed me.
    Jacques Derrida

  10. giulia says:

    Iseeyou….the questions you are posing are entertainment to me.
    I ask myself if I’ll be able to meet all the deadlines I have….

  11. ISeeYou says:

    How is it that anyone on this planet thinks they aren’t a narcissist at this point? That’s the question.

    Are we paying attention to a bunch of other people who aren’t part of our immediate family because of the internet? Are we concerned with what these people think of us? Are we looking in mirrors?

    What is a mirror in the first place? Why do we have them? Were human beings capable of love prior to narcissus seeing his own reflection in a pool of water?

    Were we capable of love before we knew what our own faces looked like? Why do appearances matter if love is a spark created between two souls… and a soul is not the same thing as the body?

    Do you have a social media account? Isn’t a photograph an idol? Why do we need images of ourselves in order to exist?

    Are we trampling the earth with cars? Are we shaping the planet with our machines? Isn’t that narcissistic of our entire species to have taken the assumption that we could control this planet?

    Who exactly told human beings that they were number 1 species in all the universe in every galaxy far far away? Are we sure that was God?

    Are you all sure that what you’re experiencing in your relationships is even “love” at all? Because it seems to me that it’s all about convenience, service, appearances and lust. People are quick to divorce and quick to jump into bed. And those who consider themselves moral, righteous beings seem to be driven by a need to be seen that way.

    Just a thought.

    1. Cc says:

      I agree with everything you said. Except the part about us being the chosen species, that we are.

    2. SVR says:

      Iseeyou I hear you.

    3. AH OH says:

      I am just Baddass. Born this way. No, I am not a narcissist. I just love myself very much. HUGS TO ME!

      GOD? No there is not a GOD in the religious sense. There is only HG. That is close enough for me.

      Hello, Girls! Indy, 1J1, and all of the rest of the sister wives. I see we have a few new people.

  12. Narc affair says:

    The narcs favorite movie. When we met he told me i reminded him of Nicole Kidman lol He had one of the costumes made up from the movie custom. Kind of eerie looking back not knowing what a narcissist was and growing up with a narc mother. I think my subconscious knew what he was and gravitated toward the familiar. Unresolved childhood issues making their way to the forefront. Over time i learned exactly what he was but turned a blind eye to a lot of it. The cycle continues. My eyes are open during devaluation yet shut during the golden period.

    1. SVR says:

      The golden period is a big con. It’s all lust and lies. I would never close my eyes near a narc again. Why allow the narc to do this to you? I wish you well.

  13. 12345 says:

    I won’t recognize you. Might be the greatest lesson I’ve learned.

  14. Wow.
    Superb piece of writing.
    Thank you.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you.

  15. giulia says:

    These all seem rethorical questions.
    Apparently you have given yourself the answers already.
    Me….I don’t know. Maybe yes, maybe no. I don’t ask myself these questions. but if I hear “I love you” after a week or so….he’s either desperate or a narc.
    And I don’t have the time for either of those.

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