Everything Is Not Enough

everything

I remember the day, or more accurately that the floodgates were opened on my promiscuity. It was when I attended a particular university for the purposes of an admission interview. It was early December and this historic and beautiful university city was lit up by orange and yellow lamps as a little mist clung to the narrow alleyways and courtyards. I had concluded my two interviews (read Fury if you want to know more about how they progressed and how one interview impacted on me) and returned to the junior common room to meet up with two other candidates. They were applying to the same college but to read a different subject to me. They were both English literature students. He was from Greenock in Scotland and she was a bookbinder’s daughter from Cambridge in England. Beer was consumed, stories swapped and the fellow from Greenock retired to his room. The bookbinder’s daughter, she was called Sarah, came back to my room and we talked before we climbed into bed together. I had a girlfriend at the time and whilst there had been dalliances with other girls I had not slept with another. That changed that night. And in the morning too. Sarah wandered away across the quadrangle to her room and I rose from my bed to seek out the bathroom. She decided to stay another day at the college because she wanted to spend time with me. I was happy for her to do so as I waited around, as was customary, in case an interview arose at another college.  The following day we both departed, she to the east and me to the west and once I alighted at the train station near to my girlfriend’s house I went straight round to see her. She was pleased to see me and embraced me with enthusiasm. I returned the enthusiasm. I had no sense of guilt at my infidelity. Nothing at all. Instead I revelled in the way I had taken Sarah to my bed and now strode into my then girlfriend’s bedroom with her asking with admiration how my interview had progressed and what the college was like.

Following that first time I never looked back. I cheated left, right and centre. With that girlfriend and with all subsequently. Why did I do it? Way back then I realised how good it made me feel but I had no understanding of why I actually did it. Something always drove me to do it. I realised that the relevant girlfriend would be upset if she knew what I had done but this never stopped me. I never gave it a second thought. Even as I was locked in an embrace with some relative stranger and an image of the girlfriend formed in my mind I felt no tug of conscience, remorse or guilt. All I knew was that I was able to seduce, pull, entice and ensnare everywhere I went. I would meet someone and always find something attractive about them – it might be the colour of their hair, the length of their legs, their accent, the way they rolled the letter r, the fact they drank with a straw or the size of their breasts. It might be their enthusiasm for a particular band, their recollections of travelling or the manicured nails. Each and everyone had some kind of attraction. I could not resist trying to ensnare someone in order to bring them under my spell. It was then that I realised what it was that really drew me to them, it was the promise of their attention. I realised I was able to get them hooked on me. I had convinced myself that I was drawn to them for some other reason but it dawned on me that I was just telling myself that as a reason. A reason that I required to explain this compelling desire to couple with someone. But that was not the real reason. The truth was that I wanted their attention on me and this was the way to get it.

Yes it was pleasant engaging in that first kiss and I enjoyed the sensations that arose when the embrace escalated but it was not what I actually I wanted. I wanted them to praise me. I wanted them to become transfixed by me and for them to shine their spotlight firmly on me.  The promiscuity has always continued and it does not matter who with it is the fact that I am able to do seduce and by so doing gather that starry-eyed admiration, those pleasing words and the attention. This engagement does not end with behaving in a promiscuous fashion. I will engage in discussions with a stranger of my own sex,at a bar, a railway platform or in a lift. I have no desire to seduce them sexually for that is not my preference but I do cause them to like me and in so doing give me that fuel that I need.

Often I feel like admitting my repeated transgressions straight away to the relevant girlfriend of the time but I have no desire to puncture my primary source of fuel by doing this. I do find it interesting how they always react with such alarm and distress on the odd occasion I do make such a confession. If I tell them how well I got on with a random male in an exchange at a bar, someone with whom I have swapped views, thoughts and opinions, I receive a smile and a comment of,

“Always good to make new friends.”

Yet an admission of coupling with a stranger results in hysteria even though to me these interactions are similar. Yes, one might yield greater fuel than the other but in terms of intimacy they are equally redundant. That is not why I do it. I do not do it because I want to savour the sensation of another’s mouth against me. I do it because I want them to give me fuel. I can understand how you may be aghast if in a normal relationship a partner behaves with infidelity but to our kind it just about the attention, the admiration, the fuel. You have such a great hang up because sex is involved. That is just the gateway device to me. If I could get the attention another way so that it provides such fuel then believe me I will do it. However, in your world, on the whole, the act of a sexual union accords a greater connection between two people which means you yield more fuel and are more inclined to keep providing it as you seek more from the liaison.

Our promiscuity arises to enable us to achieve fuel. From the new target who is seduced by us and from you should we alert you in some way (either in whole or in part) to our new interest. The condemnation that is attached to promiscuity when in a relationship means that your reaction just provides us with even more fuel. There is a risk of your supply being punctured by this revelation but it is a calculated risk and is often done when the quality of your supply generally has started to wane.

To us promiscuity when in a relationship is merely a means to an end. To you, well, you behave as if it is the end of the world. It really isn’t.

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48 thoughts on “Everything Is Not Enough”

  1. K
    Let me know if pretending to have the traits of a narcissist works for HG in the trouser department. I’m willing to try anything at this stage.

  2. Monster high and Ken made the mix 😄

    Its all a game to them cheating. People cheat for different reasons despite it not being right. The narc cheats im sure to get a rush or high and the validation of someone new boosting their ego. Its always got to be someone new added to keep the fires burning within. If its not new its stale even within relationships the devalue reboots the stale to somewhat new again, altho short lived. Its like an adventure to them and a goal to exert their seductive powers and see how desirable they still are, yet getting away with it. If only he or she knew what would they think! Even going back to their partner after having cheat with someone else brings on a sense of thrill. They are so good at deception and pride themselves on it like the ultimate conman.
    Its all exciting to them but then love, empathy and attachment dont factor in so why wouldnt it.

    1. Narc affair
      Arent most of those reasons given for the Narc cheating the same for the ones theyre cheating with?

  3. foolmeltime

    Hello, don’t apologize. We are all here to learn and get answers from each other and from HG. I completely concur with you and I posted a comment inquiring about a consult. Please jump in any time, I welcome your input. It is an important part of my journey. We are all in this together and all suggestions, ideas and thoughts have merit. Thank you.

  4. K, Sorry to interrupt! I found when I was not sure what I was or why I felt the way I did a private consult with HG cleared that up for me! It also gave me the privacy that I needed in finding out who I or what I was. Again sorry for jumping in.

      1. Sarah, guess you’ll have to book a private consult to find that out on your own.

  5. HG
    I am trying to pay attention to the conditions that arise when I want (to extract) negative reactions from people and I was wondering if this is something that all people do, to a certain degree, or is it specific to narcissists? To wit, is this just normal behavior that I am experiencing.

      1. Mostly, because I am angry. Sometimes, for absolutely no reason at all; just because I want to. It is a very unsettling feeling and I have no explanation for it. After I get the reaction I want, I feel a sense of relief because the response I get from the person takes my anger away. Sometimes I get excited because I got the individual to do something.

      1. emotion detective

        How close to the line can one skirt? That is why I am inquiring. It would explain a lot about my responses to certain situations or, maybe, it could be completely irrelevant. Hopefully, I will be able to better understand my behavior.

      2. You’re firmly stuck in one spot on the line, no movement allowed. Sad, but these are the rules, sorry.
        You have no choice but behave that way. Exact processes are yet to be understood, but it’s reasonable to assume these are the signs of emotional malfunction.
        A normal person doesn’t have the need to hurt another person. An empath will feel pain at the thought of hurting someone else. This is the way of evolution. Sorry, again.

      3. emotion detective

        No need to be sorry; it is just the way it is. I agree that the thought of hurting someone is anathema to the empath, even to the normal, and that is where my confusion lies. Perhaps, It is the way I am wired but I am very aware of it. All your thoughts are welcome and I read all your posts. Thank you.

      4. Lol, even the normal. I don’t know about that.. a normal may have bouts of emathy but I feel they are more neutral, neither good nor bad. While an Empath will feel pain at the mere thought of hurting someone, a Super Empath will be prompted to act on the sensation of pain, and they will take action to remove the pain from the hurting person, or help to alleviate it in some way. I know this because I feel not only prompted but also a feeling of power that drives me to take such action. Sometimes I surprise myself why I act the way I do, and where does it come from, afterwards.. and then I’m back to the peaceful sailing..
        it happened a few times, I feel people think I’m inserting myself unnecessarily but I just feel I have to take action or I cannot be at peace..

    1. K could it be youre trying to extract a negative response because you feel alone in how you feel? I hate to say misery loves company but thats what i think of with this. I dont think that makes you narcissistic. Boredom can mean lonliness to some and theyll trigger reaction from others to rid themselves of feeling alone.
      The main think with narcissism is lack of empathy. Bpd is a disorder and people can feel empathy and be hypersensitive yet seek fuel or reaction much like npd.

      1. Curious

        I am not sure. It has been like this since my childhood, however, I never understood it. When I lived at home, my narcissistic traits were more prevalent and when I moved out my empathic traits presented and now dominate. But, I have a provocative side that I can’t explain and I don’t think I am bored because I am very busy. My continuum of friends is very aware of my behavior and will point it out sometimes. I am not a narcissist, but I watched my parents physically and emotionally annihilate my twin. I tried to protect him; I couldn’t, so I just cried while I watched them beat him. I googled BPD and I am certain that isn’t it, and I am not sensitive or prone to histrionics, either. People, who don’t know me well, describe me as aloof and curt. I even googled Latent Trait Theory. And I am definitely not lonely and, ironically, I am much happier now than I have ever been because I know about NPD. Please keep sharing all your thoughts with me, I really appreciate them. Thank you.

      2. I think its so complex psychology and many dont fit neatly in any one category. I also think many behaviors can be classified as normal.
        A psychologist of mine taught me to examine how im feeling and what thoughts produced that feeling(mindfulness). Its a great skill to practice daily and will teach you so much about yourself and also give you control over your emotions and how you react. Its amazing how we go thru our life feeling a certain way automatically as a result of our thoughts without even being aware of why we feel that way. Quite often one thought will trigger a feeling and it can snowball.
        Most everyone does have narcissistic traits.

      3. Hello Curious

        I do agree that most people have narcissistic traits and they are, for the most part, innocuous, but the behavior that concerns me the most is sometimes impulsive and occasionally uncontrollable, also, it is sometimes deliberate and violent. I hail from the lessers, both my parents are narcissists, and I lost my twin because of them. He is very violent; The last time I saw him was in a court room in 2010. We used to play together when we were very little, eventually, as he grew he became too violent so I avoided him. Thank you for your thoughts.

  6. Each ipps will be exposed to the bacteria/std’s of all of the women HG has slept with. HG, do you sleep with prostitutes?

    1. Jenna have you read Sex and the Narcissist? I have read only to the point of his special scrape book. I have not read any more of it and I was in mid flight when I read up to this point with nowhere to go. I nearly hyperventilated with the thought of the Grimoire. My thoughts were killers do things like this.

      1. scrapbook! not scrape book WTF! I can’t type, I can’t spell. Perhaps I need to reset my brain this morning. Proofread my crap for sure! UGH! If this is how my day will go, I am going back to bed and jumping out the other side. BRB

    2. HG doesn’t dilly dally about when it comes to such disgusting sexual acts. He can give a woman an orgasm at 50 paces with a single stare, whilst devouring a Mr Kipling’s fancy.

      1. But the last one was, err, mine.

        I distinctly remember. It was in a parallel universe where I was the boss. I imagined it with my own brain while you were sleeping soundly, after calling me a fat cow.

      2. He ought to do another quiz, with a pair of boxer shorts that he’s worn and masturbated in as 1st prize.

        Emotion Detective! That’s rude!

  7. After my ex left, I got tested for every single possible STD that ever existed. Every test came back negative. Thank God!

      1. I was clean. I was tested twice. I belong to a concierge service MDVIP and so it is basically ask and you receive. I like the convince of this.

        The only STD I ever had was from a Brit and it was when I was 20 years old. Jackson Naughton It was nothing to Clap about! When I received the call from the health department, the nurse told me he had 7 women on the list she had to call to come in and get the jab.

      2. Love our play on words. “Clap about”
        “Crabby”

        We are so clever!

      3. Sarah,

        I would have said the results if it had been positive. You are new here? My sister wives, which are many, know I say it how it is. I do not need to pretend with anything because I sit behind a computer. Funny thing is even if I tell a little white lie, I cross my fingers. I do not like to lie at all but when I do, I am so damn good at it it is scary. This might be why I do not like to engage in real lies.

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