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70 thoughts on “The Narcissistic Truths – No. 24”
Also, to answer your question about HG’s blog.. it’s because he’s telling you the truth about what narcissist are like. The truth is very powerful and resonates in your spirit and soul .. not to be corny.,
Not war, wore
“No” is power.
“No” is a complete statement without need for explanation.
“No” is a boundary, drawing a line dividing yourself from him, as a separate entity from him.
Saying “no” is everyone’s right. The narcissists and the non-narcissists.
If you find yourself having a hard time saying no to someone regularly, do some introspection as it is likely you were raised without healthy boundaries and need to learn how to create them.
Then practice those no’s. Start with easy no’s such as declining a good or service. Gradually increase to safe people by saying no. Then to those its harder. I still practice this. Over the past several years of practicing no, I’ve gotten better and stronger at sticking to those boundaries. This is a first step at boundary creation.
I love that Indy. Thank you!
I’ve become aware over the last few months that my biggest narc magnet is not being able to say no. To almost anything! Regardless of whether it’s healthy to me or not. I’ve always thought this was because I couldn’t stand to hurt anyone but now I’m questioning if it’s more a deep rooted fear of not being liked. From my childhood I remember hardly having any friends before I went to high school. I was genuinely a nice,caring, empathic kid too! But my parents didnt have a lot of money so I was always dressed scruffy in charity shop clothes. I think I was labeled the ‘scruffy’ kid. As a kid though I had no idea why other kids didn’t want to play with me and it hurt. I tried my hardest to fit in and make friends but no one wanted me, no one even spoke nicely to me. Looking back to that kid my heart breaks for her. She really was a nice kid.
Do you think it’s possible that my not being able to say no to people is due to my non acceptance and desperation to be liked as a child?
Yes, the need to be seen as likable and nice and being outcasted hurts ones self esteem a lot. I really feel that pain you feel from that period of time. I think I shared with you that I was from a roll part of the United States and grew up in a family that was relatively poor. I to war secondhand clothes until I got a job at age 10. Socioeconomic status and the stigma from it is powerfully influential. This is why gave me my work ethic it also may have contributed to my self-esteem challenges too. We are growing here now and that is beautiful. Holding and honoring your inner girl is healing too. Hard work to do, as it always brings me to tears doing it too, and once the little girl knows she is now a strong beautiful woman, the world is yours for the seizing 😊
Thank you so much for taking the time to answer my questions Indy. I really appreciate it. I’m glad you can relate (though I would wish better for you as a child)
Being here is crazy. So many questions have been answered regarding narcissism yet I’ve been left with so many more regarding myself. I guess understanding yourself and healing the inner child is a key part of becomming untouchable.
I have so much to think about now. There have been so many ‘lightbulb’ moments.
Thanks again Indy and I’d really like to say thanks to HG for allowing us to talk about this when it’s not directly about narcs. I really do appreciate it HG.
The power is here to seize and seize it I will! 😉
Hi KCN, all due respect to HG ref your acknowledgment there, but also although not directly about narcs, this thread highlights the appeal of certain individuals to them doesn’t it.
I could echo almost word for word your account of your childhood, as have others here. We have so much in common just as the narcs do amongst themselves. Our environments / position in the family dynamic / life ‘experiences’ etc created in us something that draws the N to us and us to them. I presume abusers of all walks see this too which is why certain people are targeted for certain things by them. If narcs have red and black flags what colour would ours be…? Green for Go? Amber for tread carefully? Ha!
The more I understand of myself the more I recognise that lack of personal boundaries was shining out from me like a lighthouse guiding the narc ship to safe shore….It seems we only cotton on to this after the event though – if at all. Not only in personal relationships but also regarding the worldwide atrocities that are all too familiar now.
I know we’ve touched on this elsewhere but it really is crucial for this to be taught in school. Personal boundaries are, i believe, at the root of where abuse finds a way in and latches on. If they’re not taught at home then school is the next best place.
The news this week is starting to show perhaps the tide is turning at least politically in how things are tackled as they’ve been deemed unsuccessful so far (I’m being deliberately vague here as don’t want to cross any lines)…..the question is will the ‘authorities’ let it gather enough pace! As for getting it on the National Curriculum….has to start somewhere!
Hi VFH, it HAS to be taught in schools. It is so worrying to me that people only usually find their way here and to domestic abuse centres AFTER the event. Myself included. I (thought I) knew what a narcissist was but actually I knew nothing of the depths and nothing of the depths of psychological abuse. Narc sites are fantastic. This one, the best and DA centres too. I doubt I would be here now if it wasn’t for my DA advisor. Yet we need to put these people out of jobs! (In the nicest sense) all focus is on post abuse and there aren’t enough resources for education yet that alone is what will go the furthest to stopping this abuse. Prevention is key. Too many victims are afraid to come forward with their stories. Myself included. I started a blog. It was very theraputic and I told no one that had any connection to the ex about it. Yet the fear has eventually outweighed the therapy. I daren’t tell any more of my story ‘just in case’ he finds his way there. It’s not fair. And that’s why narcissism remains largely undercover. There is an epidemic as we all know yet they still remain hidden.
Preventative education is the ONLY answer.
I’m sorry you had a similar experience to my childhood. It appear a many of us did. Maybe we can regress and all of our inner children can play together 😊
That’s given me such a lovely warm feeling, thinking of our inner children having the opportunity to play with one another.
I’d love to have been able to tell the child me not to worry and it will be ok….perhaps we wouldn’t have ended up having had some of the experiences we’ve had if we’d had the comfort of that reassurance. But it’s part of our story….we learn and survive and get through it and maybe the well of wisdom that comes from this will enable us to help others. As well as become stronger individuals ourselves.
I also know where you’re coming from ref your blog. It took me a while to get involved here because I thought I might be ‘found’ somehow. I still do tbh and worry I’ve disclosed too much already!
The helpful and supportive responses I’ve had so far though have helped enough to outweigh my concerns for now at least – thank you for your part in that KCN.
Hi VFH, ah you’re very welcome and same applies, thank you for your help and support! And everyone else here including HG.
Yes I believe we will be stronger for the experience. I already am in some ways and once I’m over this C-PTSD I will be indestructible haha.
As for helping others – I’m 45 years old and I’m qualified in quite a range of subjects. For the most part my career has been contract catering higher management. However I can honestly say that for the first time in my life I actually KNOW what I want to do. My heart is now in Domestic Abuse advice and counselling. I am so passionate about it. Something good WILL come out of this mess.
Have a lovely weekend VFH
That’s awesome KCN, totally get that. Good luck with your journey – something good is already coming out of this mess, not least your self belief.
I would have played with you.
Reading hear what you described that your childhood brings back a lot of memories about mine . I had a similar experience with not fitting. I definitely think not being able to say no is a wanting for acceptance , But in my situation when I think more deeply about it, I think it goes back to my parents and being very unclear as to their acceptance of me. A deep insecurity stemming from the fact that I never really knew if I was loved.
The emotional boundaries were never set . It all just spills into adulthood. And without awareness, the cycle just continues to repeat. Just my thoughts.
And I’m with you in thanking HG for allowing these dialogues.
Hi Sue, it’s crazy that these narcs end up leading us to self discovery.
Good luck in yours 😊
First off I screwed up the first sentence to you Karen lol
“Reading here what you described about your childhood”
Secondly I just thought of … my dad is definitely a narc and my mom had very strong narc qualities. I didn’t realize that until I started reading HG’s work . With that being said, then my feelings were true I really wasn’t loved like a parent should love a child and that’s why I had the deep insecurity of not knowing whether I was excepted or not . I was on a constant yo yo . I’m not trying to make this about me but it’s very interesting to think about, you may have things there that you might not have unsurfaced yet. Just a thought ❤️
Quite true Sues423. It hit me this week my mother was either a N or had strong traits. “Silent treatment” was her middle name. She left us out of the blue in my late teens. I went NC ever since (over 20 yrs) without blinking. Yet with the ex, it’s a struggle.
Took HG’s blog to realise this. Why is that??!
First I’d like to say that I’m sorry that your Mom left. That’s terrible and so painful I’m sure.
I Totally understand the silent treatment from a mother!
As far as why you cannot impose the silent treatment on your ex, I’m no expert but my thinking is… as a human being, we long for love, acceptance, companionship etc . Even though you implemented it with your Mom, there is still that longing .. the longing to be accepted. And because nacrsassist are so good at pretending to be and give what you want, you become addicted in a sense . It’s hard to break free
Thanks Sues423 you for your kind words. The addiction to the N is hard to shake, but this blog and reading we aren’t the only ones, is a huge help.
The saying goes: “the only way to get “over” somebody, is to get “under” somebody else. Wish it was that easy! 😉
I would have played with you too, Karen. I am sorry you had to deal with rejection as a kid. This is traumatic, especially if you did not have supportive friends outside your school.
My narcissistic borderline mother-in-law, whom I cut off all contact with several years ago, used to complain about me and tell other people: “EB *always* says: ‘No, thank you.'” 🙂
Your conversation here with the other commenters about playing in childhood helped me to recognize something about myself. When others were saying that they would play with you, my thought was that I probably wouldnt have played with you or the others but I wouldnt let anyone hurt you or be mean to you. It hit me then that for me it was never about joining in and forming attachments to others but always looking for the bully. They were always my focus. They were always him. Made me realize that is probably why I prefer to be alone, and that I just transferred my position of protecting my siblings to most, if not all other interactions in my life.
Proof you can still learn from others when you are not directly involved in the conversation and even if it seems off topic to some. Thank you for raising the subject.
Hi NA, sorry for the delayed response. I’m really glad you got something beneficial out of the conversation. It made me sad to read about the child you!
I’m going to visualise all us kids playing together. You can be at the side looking in until you feel ready to join in. I hope you will one day! We’ll share our sweets and include you in conversation and if you don’t join in that’s fine. We love you anyway for who you are 😊 you are as much part of our friendship group as any of us 😊
This is so true Indy and such an important skill for us to practice and use, My Narc broke down my ability to say no. Eventually I just repeatedly gave in to keep the peace but when I’d finally had enough the word NO was so empowering! Funny thing is that I used to tell him that ‘no’ was his most favorite word.
Great lesson. It seems to be the opposite for most but saying no is empowering. Its basically saying you believe you have worth and do not need to qualify yourself or your reasons to others. Ever notice how people say for instance when invited somewhere:im so sorry I cant make it, I have no sitter, no transport etc etc? The other party usually tries to come up with a solution, (pointing out subtlety that youre using an excuse) or dont believe you and are offended. Then you either cave and hate going or spend the rest of the time hoping they dont find out you lied. I see this all the time around me. How many times have you ever believed the excuses given? (Not you personally Indy). I have only ever said: No, but thank you very much for asking. Theres no negotiation. People will think what they like but isnt that better than becoming a liar? Once someone pushed and asked why cant you come? I answered: I didnt realize I had to qualify an invitation. Thank you again for asking but I will not be attending. Agreed that if you practice this you will find it easier to deal with boundary violators in general and not just narcs.
NA, after reading more and more of your posts, i wish i had strength like you. Instead, i cry, get panic attacks, etc. Maybe it has to do with the trauma (non-sexual) i suffered as a child at the age of 3. It had to do with being separated from a loved one. Perhaps that’s why i get panic attacks when anyone tries to separate frm me. In fact, it gets so bad that i feel like this life is not worth the pain. I feel suicidal often, but would never do it because God forbids it. I am trying to absorb your fierceness from you right now. I really need it. I am still shaking from the wknd’s episode.
I suffered trauma too and felt abandoned even though I was amongst people who were supposed to love and care for me. It taught me to depend on no one and so I do not understand the feeling of attachment as you do. You learned to cling tightly and although my method being better is debatable, what I can say is that it allows me to feel less wounded. I am reluctant to say much given our previous engagement but maybe consider this:
Maybe not everyone is worth attaching to. There will be many people in your life and they will not all abandon you. Some are just passing through to enjoy for a short time and sometimes to teach us things about ourself. They are not abandoning you but continuing on their personal journey and glad to have met you. They will always keep you in their thoughts. You will not have to fight to keep those who are worthy of your time. Try to concentrate on those in your life who add to your life and not take so much.
He is lying to you and manipulating your kind nature.
He is not your friend.
He is not worth attaching to.
Focus not on losing him (as despite what he lead you to believe-he was never invested in your “friendship” ), but rather concentrate on those who prove their value by celebrating your kindness and adding to your life than trying to absorb it for themselves and covertly destroy you as he is.
Believe HG when he tells you what they do instead of defending your “friend” as you do. He is not fooling any of us and it hurts us to watch him continue to mess with your head. There are complete strangers here who are more invested in you than he is and they are not taking from you or using you. They can help you. Stay no contact and begin to heal. Were rooting for you.
NA, thank you very much for your wise words. I just wish i didn’t get panic attacks when somebody separates frm me. They’re very painful (in the chest) and debilitating.
Anyways, my ex called me yesterday morning after receiving my email and admitted that he blocked me. I questioned him as to why he would do that when i was trying my best to be a good friend to him, and when he just reconfirmed with me a few wks ago if we can be friends. I told him his behavior hurt me. He said he wants to forget his past sins and that’s why he blocked me. I told him that he didn’t think how this would affect me, and that friends don’t do that to each other. Note: he’s blocked me in the past but not for more than 10min. His cognitive empathy kicks in and he immediately unblocks me.
But this time, it was for two days without forewarning! Then, i felt so much anger. He has never hurt me this much in the 3 yrs i’ve known him. I told him he’s selfish to do this to me after all the help i’ve given him to come out of his depression, because my heart went out to him, and i told him his religious matrinarc mom will soon be finding out about his profile on the casual sex websites and i have pics to prove it. Then i blocked him. He emailed me some nonsense 10 min later. I didnt reply. He called me 1.5 hrs later. I didn’t reply. I think he’s panicking and he deserves it.
I believe the best in pple until they hurt me. No more. Now i will believe the worst in pple until they prove themselves to me. This incident has changed my view about life. Pple take from you until they need you, and then they kick you to the curb once they don’t, sometimes without even a thank you. It’s happened to me twice in my life so far. The first time was with my sister. Thank you for listening to me NA, my friend.
Jenna, I’m not sure that logical thinking helps when having an anxiety attack. But maybe put down a strategy for yourself to hang on to for when you might have one again. E.g. remind yourself of the relativity of the triggering circumstance, tell yourself that it is not absolute, not forever, not set in stone. That you are not completely abandoned and not forever. Talk to yourself kindly and soothingly. Breathe!
I told myself even for a while sth like it’s not real, it’s only a bad dream’. you can change that to sth like ‘ it’s just how he shows a new mask to everyine, it has nothing to do with me””.
And avoid those triggers……
In the meantime it might be interesting to go back to your comments from 2, 3 months ago and to what we told you rhen, as this might help to take a step back to get a more distant perspective on today’s events.
Also, dissociate yourself when you are in the situation, take a step back in your mind and try to look at the sitation from outside like watching a movie. That you can change then.
Thx ava. I will definitely try these steps you described.
Hi NA, some really good advice there. Thank you!
I sent my therapist the link to the awareness seminar/lectures. She called me and said it was funny I sent this right now as her narc, after 20 years, hoovered her last week. I let her know that he will always hoover her, no matter the time in between, until she is dead or he is dead. We talked for an hour about all I have learned from HG. She said she was 25% vulnerable. By the end of the conversation, I opened her eyes more and she is looking at interacting with him at all. I used HG’s lessons to weaponize my friend.
An empath is always at risk. ALWAYS.
Thank you HG.
Thank you Ah Oh for spreading the word, I appreciate you doing so.
It’s the epitome of control. Don’t do what I want (even though it’s either wrong or you dont like it) or you’ll pay the consequences (which you won’t like).
Overwhelming need for power and control.
* Do what I want*
Things ended because I dared to say No to him. I started malfunctioning so he punished me with silent treatment and following cruel discard. It was so painful that I started regretting saying No to him and if he would eventually break the silence i would probably feel relief.
I felt the same way. When he finally broke the silence it was just hoover nonsense and a year later still only nonsense .. meaning I fuel him up and off he goes. Thought for a while that “finally there is the love of my life back again!!!” But nope..
so today I know that I could have just skipped this passed year of his shit.. would have been so much better if he never ever broke his silence.
Now it’s finally my time …
A good bye letter was sent (for my only .. because I am a normal person.. he .. not) and I’m gone for ever.
So .. I hear you but unfortunately it does not work that way…
I just have to comment the following:
After one month of being together he wanted both me and him to change our profile pictures on Face Book with a picture of us together.
I said NO it is too soon. BIG MISTAKE. I paid for that( not immediately since it was the Golden Period) .
I had to pay for that ( and many other things, of course) not just once but several times all a long the time we were together . The venom came in small but frequent doses (nasty comments,flirting with others,excluding me from plans etc.) These ” punishments” came completely unexpected…they came usually when we were ” happy” and sometimes a long after…
They NEVER FORGIVE,they NEVER FORGET!
Hi Superzena! Did he give you any clues that he was angry that you didn’t post the picture? Or did he just punish you randomly? Part of what was so crazy making for me is that I never really knew exactly what I was in trouble for so I would obsessively guess what it was in my head and then commence with asking him what was wrong….are you made at me? He would always say, of course I’m not mad at you, sweetheart and then punish me. I reduced myself to a seven year old girl in those moments terrified that her parents didn’t approve of her anymore.
No he didn’ punish me right away…or gave me any clue then since it was the Golden Period very early in the relationship. He actually accepted several things during the GP.
The punishment came long after…when he threw that on my face when we had a discussion about something COMPLETELY different. It seems that things they never forget “pop up” in their heads randomly …even though you have even forgotten them.
About what you describe having the feeling that something is wrong..is a machination they use a lot to check out where they have you..if you are still hooked emotionally by testing you…I recognise that as well..
If you ask ” what is wrong” or “are you mad” it is because you are still concerned and care about them. And it also reinforces the addiction by taking away something he gave you before …give and take.! And make you try even harder for them not to be ” mad” at you. They make you believe it is your fault,that you did something wrong.And you didn’t!!!! I understand you feeling like a 7 year old …and that is exactly what they want…TOXIC LOGIC all the way!
I hope you are feeling fine!
Dead on supexena. I just wish I had all that clarity in the moment. One foot in front of the other…away from the narc!!
Thank you 12345!
You will get there..I am sure about that.. Just keep on learning here,reading and participating!!! BTW: where are you in your process?
I’m over the shock, bargaining, hope and expectation. Stuck in anger at the moment and striving for apathy. I still give him energy and power in my thoughts so I’m still sick but getting better. It’s slow. My legs got burned by boiling water when I was little. I had to have debridement repeatedly before new skin could grow and live. It hurt. Healing from the narc has been harder and has taken longer.
Hugs to you 12345
Sorry for not answering you earlier! I have had a very busy Monday!
It must have been a lot of pain you went through because of your accident when you were little! Sorry for that..Your pain of healing from the narc being harder than the pain you endured then makes me a little bit sad..Hard to understand how you really feel but I think anger is actually a good feeling…it helped a lot during my process..but..what do you mean by ” striving for apathy”?
Hi superxena. I think the word striving might be a tell. Better to say I can’t wait for apathy. I want to feel completely indifferent. Neither love, hate, anger, hope…just nothing. No thought of him. There are men in my life that have broken my heart that I never think of. Passage of time and distance.
You need and will be needing your feelings to move forward with your life!! Do not put them into “arrest”… Can you just try to detach whatever emotions he provokes in you ? Can you “isolate” just him and everything related to him?
Superxena, that’s very good advice but my m.o. has always been to numb my feelings so I don’t have to feel them. I can easily name my feelings but sitting in them and really feeling them seems unbearable. When I start to feel immense sadness I immediately revert to anger. I don’t want to cry or feel sad. This has been a running theme throughout my life. I am far more comfortable fighting than sitting in sadness. I hate that part of myself. It’s how I coped when I was little. There was a lot to cry over and that made me feel out of control but anger felt like I was in control somehow. It’s not good.
Thank you 12345!
Have you had that m.o.p.since you were little? Have you ever tried to find out why? Is it something you have tried to change? Is it something that you would like to change?
The cycle of my ex’s behaviour was also text book but my punishments were doled out both in the moment and much later….
One of my children however (who in hindsight I can see was treated as the scapegoat child by his N ( pretty sure a greater) father) is displaying quite a few traits now and I can’t work out whether it’s learnt behaviour and will rub off, or he’s heading towards being one too.
The cycle with him is always when we are happy or in a peaceful moment he will flare up e.g. a good day or week with success at school, very little bickering between him and his siblings and almost always at bedtime. He ‘creates’ unnecessary drama on these occasions 99.9% of the time.
It’s heart breaking for me and is affecting our family dynamic which is already in recovery mode from the aftermath anyway.
I am ticking all the boxes (according to any authorities I’ve approached with my concerns) in teaching boundaries, what good/happy looks like, how to make ‘right’ decisions, choice of behaviour etc. When I talk to him about the situations he says all the right things….it gives me hope but then it happens again and I feel so powerless. He is either overly compliant or totally destructive. He is seven years old.
It’s made harder to determine not least because much of his behaviour could be displayed by any child his age after parents split, well after his father all but drops of the face of the earth as far as they’re concerned. But I have 3 other reference points in his siblings and they show none of the same. It manifests with them in other ways for sure but nothing that troubles me.
He was from the start the most sensitive and insightful one, the most capable, sociable and academic. He is still the most academic but exceptionally low attention span, constantly fiddling, constantly talking, his brain does not stop. His default position is ‘it wasn’t me’ or ‘no I didn’t’, he has stolen (classroom stuff or friends’ pencils but also small change from the red nose day bucket) and made very plausible stories to cover up or excuse it.
I recognise the need for control in response to a wider situation they have zero control over but I just feel at a loss. I don’t know what to do and am feeling broken this evening after another dramatic bedtime episode.
Anyone out there?
HG, do you have anything to offer me here?
Also, and I’m not proud to say this, but when I see this behaviour in him I find it very hard to be sympathetic towards him.
I don’t mean show him special treatment, if they do something wrong then it’s wrong whatever the motive behind it.
I mean….ahh….hard to admit….i mean it’s hard to like him. I feel awful putting that in print but I need to be honest. It immediately reminds me of his father and puts me on edge….he’s lied so often I can’t trust him and that in itself is reminiscent of the constant onslaught of mindfuckery my Ex dished out to me over the years. And then I remind myself he’s a child, he’s a work in progress, i need to view each situation on a case by case basis but it’s difficult.
I so badly want my concerns to be wrong and I am aware of creating a self fulfilling prophecy but it’s SO hard. I feel out of my depth. Is doing “my” best going to be good enough??
I trust my therapist who says one sane parent can be enough but I haven’t had this much detailed chat with her and can’t financially afford to either. I also feel like I’m ripe for the picking by any charlatans coming along to take advantage of the situation – hypervigilence still quite high up in my emotions.
So I figure put it out here as we have auch a diverse audience and see what comes back. If anything….
He is exhibiting behaviours which could evidence the creation of a narcissist, given his exposure to the Greater as you have explained. There may also be issues surrounding ADD, Conduct disorder or ODD. The advantage you have is that you recognise it and therefore you are in a position to obtain a diagnosis and then the relevant response be it CBT, family therapist, social skills therapy and such like. You have an opportunity to arrest this development before it becomes entrenched.
I would invite Dr Q to offer her observations also as she knows about this type of thing.
*Thank You* very much for your thoughts on this HG….I appreciate it. Anyone else’s pov also gratefully received.
Such a grey area and so hard to access the right help both for him, his siblings and me. Hard for all survivors as we’ve also discussed elsewhere….due to a general lack of awareness about this type of abuse within the counselling sector…not being able to ‘get it’ unless experienced direct.
The other week we had an ‘assessment’ as a result of me pushing for months to be referred and the professional in attendance really left us wanting. She addressed my son without gaining his attention/speaking direct to him (he was playing with Lego and she spoke to his back!) I ended up having to invite him to turn round and join our conversation. She asked me completely inappropriate questions in front of him about his father’s behaviour and my concerns etc. I had to say I felt it wasn’t right to discuss in front of him and could we have 5 minutes one to one….very strange and I came away feeling it had been a waste of our time and the resources themselves. Bear in mind this was the county’s child mental health service….side eyes. I’m sure in many cases they are a valuable resource but for us, the search continues.
You are welcome.
I see that you have received an answer from HG concerning your comment and need of help. Your comment came to me as a reply of one of my posts. I am definetely not acquainted with this matter ( psychology is not my “area”) so I unfortunately can’t contribute with any professinal advice. It seems to me that it is better if you can find a psychologist who has knowledge about narcissism regarding your son’s behaviour.
Wish you the best!!
Superxena thank you very much for taking the time to reply.
Apologies it’s taken so long to acknowledge you – the way the threads land in my inbox doesn’t alert me to a personal response so I sometimes don’t see them for ages or miss them altogether. Perhaps I’ve changed my settings somehow.
I appreciate your response, if only to say you can’t help. Thank you and have a good Day!
Your welcome VFH!
My ex has been trying to sleep with me for 6 months now and I continue to turn him down. New girlfriend and all. I recently told him he needs to stay single or stop trying to sleep with me and now he’s blocked me. HG – what will happen next? Is this my punishment and then he will come back and hoover?
Yes this is your punishment for defying him, you have received a silent treatment. He will hoover in due course subject to there being a Hoover Trigger and the Hoover Execution Criteria being met. To know how likely this is, I would need more information which I can assimilate and comment on through the auspices of a consultation.
Hello Karen comfortably numb.
I know exactly that feeling that you describe. A Narc I went away with strung a poor girl along on the phone the whole time he was with me whilst on holiday. I wasn’t upset for myself, but for her. He wanted me to play along with ridiculing her, she could not read and write and she wouldn’t know what to do with smoked salmon. I thought he was acting like a pig.
I just tolerated the days. Now I would have found a way to give him the slip at the airport and would have enjoyed doing it.
I just had a little cry for that girl. Bloody downright cruelty! 😠
I once said no. To sex. Because I had been throwing up for an hour.
“So I’ve taken you to the best Mexican in the city AND I bought you jeans and a top but I don’t even get fucking sex?!”
I told him I was not a prostitute. He couldnt buy sex from me. BUT from that day forward his touch made my skin crawl. I couldn’t stand him near me. I played along with sex after that and became as good of an actor as he was but every single touch, very single embrace violated me. To the core! Every sexual act after that (even though he didn’t know it) became rape.
Hello Karen Comfortably Numb!
I hope I do not offend you in any way or go over the line but?
Why if you felt like that did you continue to have sex with him?
Hi superxena, you haven’t offended me at all or crossed any lines. I posted the statement so I’m happy to be questioned on it 😊 and it’s a very fair question given my statement.
The short answer is I had no choice. I didn’t ‘feel’ like I had an option.
The more complex answer is I was scared of him. I was scared of the consequences of saying no. I was already in a constant state of anxiety by then (even though I didn’t know at the time that it was because of him) I’m not sure how I can actually explain it further…I’ve never been asked this specific question before. The only people that knew this info were my counsellor and my best friend before I posted this. By this point in the relationship I was already scared of him. I actually don’t know if I ‘knew’ this at the time but with hindsight I know I definitely was by this point. Unlike a lot of others here I wasn’t in love with him by then. My love for him died months earlier due to an incident that I’ve spoken about here before. I was still with him due to bring trapped. Emotionally blackmailed. My life by then was about trying to keep the peace. Trying to keep the bastard happy. I never knew how to do that though as I never knew what would ‘kick him off’ (I’m sure we’re all aware of the confusion they reign on us and HG has spoken about it many times before) so basically I was a submissive idiot. Walking on eggshells and doing whatever the hell I could to keep the beast calm.
I’ve been asked many times why I stayed with him when he treated me as he did (not the sex thing but other things I’ve been more open about to the people around me) and I struggle so much to explain. I can hardly explain it to myself! And to verbalize everything is even harder. Everything is still laced in confusion and the further out of the marriage I am the harder it becomes to remember the ‘feelings’ of fear and anxiety and confusion. Not that I’m complaining about that! But it does become harder to rationalise and verbalize things.
Sorry superxena I’m struggling to answer in a concise way. I hope I haven’t confused you even further haha.
Hello Karen Comfortably Numb,
Sorry for the delay of my answer..I wanted to have the time for answering you.
You are very brave in writing your experience and thank you for sharing! I understand perfectly your feeling of fear and you are were not a submissive idiot..I do recognise the feeling of fear that paralised you..so you should not be too hard on yourself.
By writing ( here) and learning ..your confusion is going to slowly fade away..it will take time but I am sure things will clarify for you soon!
Hi Superxena, yes absolutely. I learn more and more every day. I also and up with more and more questions every day too though haha. Its the nature of the beast I guess 😊
Or yes and regret it. Either you pay for the involvement.
But in general i’m not scared of you HG. You help us. You’re like a big 6’1″ cuddly, helping teddy bear! Lol!
Towards the end he accused me of always saying, “No.” When I tried to explain to him that I couldn’t always help him because of prior commitments, he wouldn’t even listen to me. He just repeated, “You always say, no.” He punished me for it and destroyed my family. I think I will make him regret it: Event Horizon has begun, sorry SVR, I couldn’t resist. I pulled tertiary and secondary sources. It is all working perfectly.