Why Won’t He Leave Me Alone?

 

why-wont

If you find yourself receiving the repeated attentions of somebody, there is a solid chance that this person is a narcissist and one of our kind. The attention that is being given to you may take a variety of different forms. It may manifest as complimenting you, offering to take you out for dinner, asking you for a date, sending you amorous texts, leaving gifts at your workplace, standing and watching you, driving past your house repeatedly, damaging your property, covering your car in battery acid, throwing pain at your windows, calling you names, repeatedly ringing your phone and not speaking and a thousand other different ways. To an outsider some of these behaviors may have the appearance of trying to seduce you and others are clearly designed to frighten and intimidate. Ultimately, both will be unwelcome and the individual who keeps persisting in this behavior is more often than not a narcissist. You may have worked this out and you are entirely clear as to what they are as they try to draw you back into the relationship or make your life a living hell. It is highly unlikely that you will know that the first time seducer is actually one of us, no matter how persistent that person is. You are far more likely to decide that the person is infatuated, obsessed, a stalker or a bit odd. Narcissist is not going to be the label you apply. Not when it happens for the first time.

Why then do we engage in such persistent behaviour? Why do we try and seduce and woo you into entering into a Formal Relationship, to draw you back in to one or just to make your life a misery?

  1. The First Seduction

It may seem pleasant at first to receive this attention even though you are not interested and with a smile you turn down the overtures of the office Romeo. He persists in keep asking you out. He is always polite and charming but you do not wish to say no. You may have a partner already, not be interested in dating or just find this person not to your liking. You keep rebuffing this person, sometimes more firmly than on other occasions but he will not take no for an answer. There should be a picture of this man or woman in the dictionary under ‘persistence’. They are never horrible, never nasty but you start to get that sensation of dread now whenever you see him or her coming down the corridor towards you, or walking down your garden path or their number appears on your ‘phone. You do not want to be unpleasant about it, because you can see they are, apparently, a pleasant person, but it is starting to become something that is unwelcome. Why will this person not get the message.

  1. Our sense of entitlement means that if we decide we want something, then we get it. It does not matter what anybody else says or wants, we are entitled to do what we want. We want to seduce you and make you our primary appliance. Accordingly, we will keep going until we achieve this or we decide against doing so. What you say to us or what a third party might do will not dissuade us.
  2. We do not recognise boundaries and therefore we can come and park our tanks on your lawn. We want you as an extension of ourselves and we do not regard there as being any boundary to prevent us from doing so.
  3. You have been identified by us as a potentially brilliant source of fuel. We undertake planning before we make our move and also rely on instinct in identifying those who serve out needs the most effectively. The extent of the planning will vary dependent on the type of narcissist, but one way or another you have been spotted as a supertanker of fuel and we want that fuel, thus you have to become our primary source. The prize is well worth expending the effort. Thus, if you cannot understand why we just keep going and going, you may wish to consider whether it is who you are that is attracting us to such a degree. You may think you are something of a catch and viewed by the ‘normals’ you are, but to us it is your status as a provider of fuel that has caught our eye. This behaviour appears mainly by Mid-Range and Greater Narcissists because they are able to last longer using secondary sources for their fuel supply whilst they continue the hunt with you.
  4. It may be that the way you are engaging with us, even though you are trying to tell us that you are not interested, is what continues to have us pressing you. If you smile when we appear with some flowers and you thank us for them but politely let us know you do not want a date, you are still giving us fuel. If you giggle with your friends when we perform some silly romantic gesture at the door of your workplace, then we receive fuel. Even if you show irritation or perhaps begin to shout that we should leave you alone, you are providing fuel. This both sustains us and encourages us.
  5. A further alternative is that we are obtaining fuel elsewhere, this is most likely to be from devaluing the current primary appliance and so long as this fuel is being provided then the pursuit will continue. We can keep chipping away at your resistance for a long time, since we are getting fueled elsewhere and this is sustaining our endeavours to secure you as the replacement primary source. If there is any kind of engagement on your behalf, even if fuel is not being provided, although it usually is, you are providing encouragement that a breakthrough may occur.

How then do you stop this narcissist from keep trying to seduce you? You need to give NoFuC. This stands for No Fuel Carrier. You must shut off the fuel, avoid any engagement and demonstrate that there will be no fuel provided. You will not smile, you will not say thanks but no thanks, you will not tell us to piss off or shout angrily for us to leave us alone. You will not accept the gifts, you will not acknowledge us, you will block all calls and insert gatekeepers where you can. By giving NoFuC, the narcissist who was gaining fuel from the interaction will break off and go elsewhere. If there is no means of contact, or very little, this combined with an absence of fuel will also dissuade us. If we are gaining fuel still elsewhere, if it is impossible or hard to contact you and there is no evidence of fuel being available, we are likely to test your resolve but ultimately with no potential for fuel, we will shift out focus somewhere else.

Ensuring you give NoFuC and doing so consistently is the key to dissuading the narcissist who is trying to seduce you for the first time. This is of course if you are fortunate enough not to be interested, since nearly all targets are interested and thus susceptible to being seduced and that you recognise what you are dealing with.

  1. Post Escape

In this instance you are more likely, albeit not guaranteed, to know that you are dealing with one of our kind. What is happening when we will not leave you alone when you have escaped us?

  1. You may be experiencing the Initial Grand Hoover. If the attempts to contact you and establish the Formal Relationship again are taking place soon after your escape, they are intense and repeated in nature and you feel like you are under siege, then this is the IGH. To deal with this you need to maintain no contact and sit the blitzkrieg out. Dependent on the type of narcissist you are dealing with and the availability of other fuel sources, the IGH can be sustained for a number of weeks. More usually it is a concentrated blast over a week or so and then if your resolve holds, there will be a respite as we withdraw and seek fuel elsewhere to recover from the diminution in our supply caused by your escape. You need to put your tin hat on and hunker down.
  2. If it is not the IFH but the behaviour towards you is pleasant and/or aimed at getting you to come back to us, you are experiencing a Benign Follow Up Hoover. The BFUH can happen repeatedly too. It is less intense but can appear on and off over years. Why is this happening?

Firstly, you must be activating the Hoover Trigger by entering one of the five spheres of influence. Are you responding to messages, are you contacting the narcissist about something, are you passing near where he lives or works, are you fraternizing with people who know him or her? You need to ascertain which sphere or spheres of influence you are entering and stay out of them.

If you do this and the BFUHs keep happening, then you are appearing in the sixth sphere which is our mind. Usually this is only sporadic because we will be occupied with other fuel sources, but it can be the case that if you were/are a particularly good fuel source once you appear in the sixth sphere you become lodged there and the trigger keeps getting activated.

That alone of course is not enough to bring about the hoover. The Hoover Execution Criteria has to be met as well. It is obviously being met if you keep experiencing these BFUHs and what usually causes the criteria to be met is that some fuel is being provided which encourages us to keep pressing for more.

You need to ascertain how this fuel is being caused. There are three potential reasons

Proximate Fuel – you are having some interaction with us which allows us to draw fuel from you. This might be when you are passing where we work, when there is a handover of children or such like. This will then allow the criteria to be easily met and thus you can expect BFUHs to occur. Turn off the provision of proximate fuel. Avoid us or where that is not possible, ensure no or very little fuel is provided when there is proximate interaction.

Thought Fuel – we may be encouraged by the Thought Fuel that we obtain from perceiving how you are reacting to our interactions. If we believe, based on previous experience, you will smile when you get the flowers or you will think back to when we were together when we drop a CD of a certain song through your letterbox, this will encourage us. Thought Fuel has a limited shelf life and if it is this which is giving us the encouragement, by sitting it out, its effect will dissipate and the criteria will no longer be met.

Proxy Fuel – you have a traitor in your camp. It may be someone well-intentioned or someone deliberately spying on you, but this individual is feeding to us your reactions to what we are doing. We do not see your emotional reaction, we do not purely envisage it, but someone is telling us that you keep talking about us, you get upset when our name is mentioned and so forth. This encourages us and allows the criteria to be met. You need to work out who this is and prevent them from relaying this information to us, either through asking them to stop or more usually by not giving them the information in the first place.

If you halt the trigger and even if you have a narcissist who is stuck in the sixth sphere, if you prevent the provision of the above types of fuel, this will be more likely to prevent the criteria being met. No trigger or a trigger and no criteria being met means no more hoovers and you will be left alone.

  1. The Malign Follow-Up Hoover

There is no desire to resurrect the Formal Relationship. We do not want positive fuel from you in any event. We want to hurt you, make you cry, make you angry, make you scared. Whatever it is, we want your negative response as this will allow us to draw negative fuel from you and also punish you.

Again, prevent the triggers by staying out the sphere of influence. The Malign FUH causes a real problem because the narcissist may remain stuck in the sixth sphere through malice and if he is gaining fuel from a new primary source, there is a greater risk of the narcissist having sufficient fuel to keep trying with you. Thus with the malign FUH the threshold for the hoover execution criteria is often lower. This is why when you have somebody who is doling out malign FUHs against you, it can appear overwhelming, incessant and frenzied. The thought fuel is also stronger with this type of FUH.

Avoid the triggers. If you are and they are still happening, it is clear the sixth sphere is being activated. Make yourself hard to contact, avoid providing fuel as described above and eventually the need for fuel and the lack of it from you, will cause you to be left alone, but you should be aware that the propensity to be stuck in the sixth sphere, the availability of other fuel and the lowered criteria threshold can result in a very rough ride for some people, not all, but some.

  1. Post discard

There will be no IGH when this happens because we chose to discard you. You will face Benign FUHs and/or Malign FUHs dependent on the type of narcissist and the prevailing situation. The same considerations apply as described above.

Ultimately, we will not leave you alone because of the prospect of fuel and the taste of fuel that is being provided in the meanwhile. This is what drives us to keep harassing, contacting and pestering you, but as ever, there are steps you can take. Understand why it is happening and then you can establish what action needs to be taken. It may be maintaining your defences, preserving no contact and sitting out the storm or it may also require proactive steps on your part.

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32 thoughts on “Why Won’t He Leave Me Alone?”

  1. H G,
    I was discarded by my ex fiancé in March and he hovered me in May by showing up announced. I have been NC the entire time. If I say NC and avoid the first 5 spheres will he leave me alone or most likely keep trying?

    1. This will reduce the risk considerably but not eliminate the risk of a hoover. You may still enter the sixth sphere (and you have no control over that). The Hoover Execution Criteria may be met and therefore a hoover will follow, but if your NC is robust then you should have pushed the bar high on the HEC and minimised the risk.

  2. HG…this can all even happen with just a friend? I suppose narcs are never really just a friend, huh? He’s been my friend for35yrs. And after I chose my ( now ex husband) over him he went I his way, moved out of town married a few times. We’ve always kept contact. He always introduced me to his wives. Now the last one has also left him. He moved back in town and we’ve maintained a friendship. If he spends the night, he’s on the couch. No sex no making out. A kiss hello, a kiss goodbye. He does all the things this article talks about and I know he’s a Narsasist. But I thought I was safe because we’re not in a relationship. I’m not safe am I?

  3. My ex narc is showing up randomly at places he knows I could be. He says nothing and I don’t acknowledge him. Our last contact was tumultuous and me telling him who he is and him projecting back. Very ugly and we both accused each other of stalking.
    I was in line at a coffee shop yesterday and he walked right past me nearly brushing my shoulder so I would see him, yet didn’t look at me. I just kept my gaze straight ahead as you suggested.
    HG, Is his stalking still just to “make an appearance” because he isn’t getting enough fuel from his primary fuel source? Why bother if she is meeting all his needs. P.S. he knows I’ve made contact with all his ex’s and know the whole story. I’m likely enemy #1 now!!

  4. This is so ridiculous we have been apart for 1.5yrs now and recently since he got his own place he doesn’t like being alone, he ” misses me and our daughter and hates when we leave” and now when I leave he been saying “I love you”! What is wrong w me what am I doing? I know it’s just because he lonely, I know he still sleeping w other women and of course. Lies about it. I don’t know what is wrong with me!

    1. You entered a sphere of influence and the hoover execution criteria was met which resulted in a passive hoover through liking an Instagram picture.

  5. Can you please explain to me how I do this when you have a child with this person.

    This is a copy of an email I just received from him. I just can’t deal with it. It’s ongoing. Everyday. Always my fault. I’m going crazy and my son is only 12.

    ——Would it be so terrible to be wrong let alone admit it if you’ve made a mistake? I know you find it very difficult or near impossible to do this but we do need to resolve this three weekend issue . You are no wilting flower when it comes to putting your view across, so you must know by now you are wrong. So can you not just admit you made a mistake so we can move forward?

    Your view regarding the reading of that term of the agreement is important and this matter does need to be settled. So please tell me wether you now agree with the interpretation or not? Or are you saying that you are just “giving me” this weekend and when the situation occurs in the future you don’t expect an adjustment if I have 3 weekends and won’t make any adjustment if you have? (I’m of course not talking Spring or Winter vacation as by now you would have figured out what I was saying is correct )——-

    It’s this language usually with bullet points attached . I try to have as little to do with him as I possibly can. But he is relentless.
    Any advice you can give would be really helpful.

    1. Hello Bunhead,

      I recommend you read the article Save the Children and then for specific assistance with your situation this is best addressed through a private consultation (see the menu bar for this on the blog) as this the best forum for providing you with the detailed insight you require.

  6. The only sphere of influence I could be in with my narc is the sixth.
    Post-discard here

    Didn’t chase after him

    2 months silence

    Now receiving nice texts (for now): Benign

    NC in place

    Texts getting more of a pissed off tone now (one to two every couple of days)

    So, he’s receiving enough fuel elsewhere to be doing this. Fuck him. The malign texts will come I know it. For now, the thought fuel will be keeping him going because I’ve always fallen for the previous ones. Luckily, the sixth sphere is the ONLY one I’ll appear in.

    These are my favourite articles.
    You the man, HG.

  7. So today I thought I saw the recent ex Narc at the store. I turn my head so he couldn’t see my face, hide behind an aisle and peak when he wasn’t looking as I went to check out at the cashier. She was laughing in tears because apparently I was not slick. I explained I was avoiding an ex. She looked at me and said she needed to take notes. I said “you are witnessing the avoidance of entering a sphere of influence, a form of witness protection” with a smile, then she and I both bust out laughing. I must have looked a sight as she was in tears laughing at me. He walked by, it wasn’t him. But got a good laugh and a strange look from store clerk. I’m sure she wondered, wth is a sphere of influence 😂

      1. Next time! Think Lucile Ball and her stumbling around to avoid Ricki Ricardo catching her in some scheme to get on his show. Clumsy but effective 😂

      2. Oh yes, I forgot. You are but a twenty something 😉 American comedians from the 50s. I like old classic movies and TV shows.

      3. Do you really wish she had filmed this, HG, or is it something you’ve quickly scanned your eyes over and then said something encouraging?

        I can’t wait to use this NoFuC term in a post.

      4. It certainly entertained the cashier. Seeing her laugh in tears at/with me tickled me. Even more when I said to her, “Wrong guy”. We both were laughing then. Very healing and funny.

  8. I’m pretty sure that I know the answer to this, but is this constant back and forth, breaking up, not breaking up, a normal part of the game? I know about his other woman (maybe women?) but he keeps having this so called “crisis of conscience” where he decides we should just be friends, then two days later, we are definitely not just friends. There is a lot of “you deserve someone to take better care of you” and sometimes even the “you enable me to be the monster that I really am.” It’s getting old. What is the deal with this?

    1. It is called never giving you any comfort, solidity of understanding or assurance. Thus you keep wanting answers and assurances, you keep hanging around and you keep providing fuel. By never letting you settle, he is able to keep you confused so you cannot move forward.

      1. Sounds about right. It also seems that I am always the back up plan. I have been the back up plan through so many women that I am actually the end game. Shame that I already know and will be out of there before we make it to that point.

  9. I am recovering from a female narcopath, post-disposal and concurrent escape (I was discarded, and then denied any form of contact to prevent providing fuel). Do female NPs do these things differently, lerhaps in more subtle ways? I have had very little direct interaction, but I detect subtle attampts at maintaining some sort of link to me for possible use in later hoovering (like keeping some of my things, very slow, incremental withdrawals on social media, etc.). I have not yet experienced any direct hoovering such as you describe…are they just biding their time, perhaps?

    1. Hello Sucker and welcome on board. The female of our kind use similar methods to the male. There are differences in that sexuality will be used more extensively and women tend to be more represented in the Mid-Range school, albeit this is anecdotal. Physical violence occurs but is less prevalent. In the situation you refer to it is the case that the individual concerned will be biding their time.

  10. The persistence in the beginning was really kind of creepy, but at the same time a bit…flattering. Of course, I had no real idea what a narcissist is before I met my most recent ex. He messaged me online and I found him odd, creepy, boring. For example, he’d constantly tell me about the dates he had with other women. Whilst I had zero interest in him, I did find that entirely out of place. I repeatedly stopped replying to his messages, he didn’t stop though. I am in the position that I’ve seen screenshots sent by me by one of his new victims and he did exactly the same. If she didn’t reply within a time that he must have thought she should, he sent a follow-up message.
    In the beginning of our relationship, he used to admire body parts of mine in this pretty creepy way. He stroked them and stared at them. It seemed like he was memorising them. He also took several pictures of my apartment. Later when he gave me his old iPad I looked through the photos and found some pictures of my address on old university papers I’d written. Seemed pretty strange. At that point I was still sure I’d get the hell out of that relationship soon enough but unfortunately I didn’t because he poisoned me.

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