Let’s Talk About Ex, Baby

LET'S TALK ABOUT EX, BABY

When you entangle with our kind in a romantic dynamic it is very rare indeed if you do not find yourself hearing about our ex. Whether it is the ex-wife, the ex-boyfriend or the ex-partner, the subject of the ex is one which will appear with considerable frequency. Indeed, you may not even meet this person but you will feel that you know them almost as well as you know yourself, the amount of time we spend talking about them to you.

At the outset of your ensnarement, it is highly likely that we were already in a romantic relationship with somebody. You may not initially be told about them, we may reference them because we utilise their existence as a magnifying factor to increase our opportunity to draw fuel from you and to bind you to us. It might be that their existence is referred to once you are ensnared, when we instinctively realise that you will not back away or we may refer to them almost as an afterthought when we have dis -engaged from them and made you the Intimate Partner Primary Source.

Whether we tell you the truth that we are married or we keep the existence of a significant other until afterwards and then we fudge precisely when we broke up with them, it is not a matter we consider as especially relevant. What matters to us is that we will keep telling you about them.

During your golden period, be it when we have targeted and seduced you or when we have embedded you, the ex will be painted well and truly black. We will tell you how this person is a truly terrible person. The immediate ex (or he or she who is about to become the ex) is the person spoken about the most, but other exes may well make an appearance too, especially if we want to portray ourselves as a super hero for enduring them or poor done to martyr. The ex or exes will attract one (or more) of the following labels:-

  1. Crazy Bitch – she is wild, unpredictable and clearly cuckoo for coco pops. We tried to help, to be understanding and make them see that there was something wrong with them, but despite our best endeavours she just could not see it. She had no insight and whatever we did was thrown back in our faces;
  2. Controlling Ogre; – he never let us do anything. Always checking where we were, who we were with, what we had been doing, we felt like an tracking device had been placed on us and everything we wanted to do was a battle beforehand;
  3. Addict – whether it was drink, benzos, weed, expensiv shopping habitse, gambling, junk food, it did not matter, this person had a terrible addiction which of course we tried to help them with but they would not be helped;
  4. Jealous Lunatic – he was always accusing us of having affairs, seeing other men, flirting and being obsessed with the attention of others;
  5. A Narcissist – the ex was definitely one of these (we might have read about it and it sounds good or the ex actually called us one so we threw it back in their face) and this meant he or she was an awful person to us, oh the stories we could tell you about this terrible condition and indeed we will;
  6. Violent Abuser – he or she would attack me, I had to call the police so many times to deal with them, a passer by once had to rescue me after he started to punch me in the street, I am a big fellow so I can handle myself but it was still unpleasant to have someone you love kick you in the balls
  7. Obsessed – she just would not give me any space to myself and even now, even though I have told her that it is over, she will not leave me alone, I don’t mean to frighten you but she is probably stalking me at the moment, she just cannot seem to accept that it is at an end
  8. Criminal – he was up to all manner of criminal enterprises, stealing cars, selling drugs, burglary, it was just too much. I don’t know why he did all of this when I was earning enough money for the two of us but he just kept going and in the end it was too much when he tried to get me involved;
  9. Addams Family – she was just odd. Her family had to be with us all the time. We moved in with them to save rent but then when we finally got somewhere of our own, every time I got in from work some member of her extended family would be there and it was like there was always at least three of us in the relationship and well, I am sure they were just a bit too loving and close if you know what I mean.

There are plenty more of labels which I am sure you can add. The fact is however that you will find we will talk about this person with daily regularity, treating you to the latest anecdote about this person’s aberrations and anomalous behaviours. You receive a forensic examination of what this person said and did as we recall it all in such detail that you can see it all in your mind.

This harping on about the ex of course is done for several purposes:-

  1. Drawing sympathy from you over how we have been treated;
  2. Appealing to your empathic traits to soothe us, help us and love us after this awful experience;
  3. Appealing to your desire to outdo your previous competitor by showing you are a far better partner than that person and thus in turn we gain more benefits from your increased desire;
  4. Making us look like a good person to have tried to help the ex;
  5. Making us look like a decent person to have persevered;
  6. To cause you to dislike the ex so that you will respond in a hostile manner should your paths cross with them;
  7. To ensure the ex has no credibility if they attempt to go down the route of trying to warn you about us;
  8. To create a ready excuse for any poor behaviour we might exhibit should the mask slip (“I am sorry, it is clear I am traumatised after how Kate treated me.”)
  9. To draw fuel from you in terms of your sympathy, your anger, your hatred of what that person has apparently done to us;
  10. To support the smearing which we will have done as we prepared to dis-engage from that previous IPPS.

At first you will be pleased to hear about these daily bulletins briefing against your former competitor as this will serve to quash any fears you may have that we might go back to them or that we might succumb to an approach by that person to win us back. The more you hear us pour scorn on them, the happier you feel and the more secure you become. We will talk about them as we secure your allegiance to us, always reminding you of this spectre that promises to be the ghost at the feast.

Once you have been embedded then often we will then cease to talk about them because we have effectively deleted them from our mind as a consequence of the embedded golden period we are now enjoying with you. However, if there is reason for them to keep appearing in our sphere of influence (the ex keeps contacting us to understand why we dis-engaged from them, to sort out the return of property, to attend to child contact arrangements, to address matters appertaining to a divorce) then we will keep mentioning them. We will have no interest in engaging with this individual because we want to consign them to history but if they keep appearing then we will keep mentioning them for the purposes of drawing further fuel from you, by referring to the She-Devil or the Ogre.

Accordingly, the daily bulletins, smears, insults and so forth about the ex will follow this pattern:-

  1. Extensive mention as we start our seduction with you as the soon to be ex enters the final stages of devaluation;
  2. Continued mention once you are embedded if the ex appears in our sphere of influence;
  3. Mention effectively halts once ex stays out of way and the Embedded Golden Period commences.

Reaching point three however means you will have experienced plenty of discussion and observation about the ex as everything has been picked over in minute details. If there was a word cloud for this period of time between you and us, ‘you’ and the ‘ex’ would rival one another for primacy.

Yet this frequent mention of the ex is not yet over.

Once your devaluation as IPPS begins then the ex (or other exes) will start to be mentioned (or mentioned again) but of course all of the slurs, smears and insults will have been wiped away at this point because now the ex (or exes) will be seen in a ‘white’ light compared to your position in a ‘black’ light. Accordingly, you will be compared and contrasted to this ex on a daily basis and in the following ways as they are referred to in some or more of the following ways:-

  1. The Only One – she was the only one who truly understood us and how we want her back;
  2. The Super Sex God – he was dynamite between the sheets and you long for that excitement once again, compared to the damp squib we are now with;
  3. Mum of the Year – she is so good with the children, far better than you Wicked Step Mother (of course the children may well back this up either because they truly think it (hardly a revelation) or they have been manipulated to think this way by us);
  4. Domestic Goddess – she had this place shining and tidy, great dinners on the table and always looked great. Look at you, you are a mess, you cannot cook and this house is a tip. What have I done?
  5. Cash King – boy he worked hard, brought in good money and looked after me. What do you do? Nothing or you have a poorly paid job (compared to him).
  6. The Saint – she would never have treated me like this, you conned me into going with you and luring me away from such a wonderful woman, I hate you for it.
  7. Clean Living – he looks after his body, eats properly, doesn’t drink much and look at the way you go on, eating junk and smoking (you ate one burger in the last six months and smoke maybe two cigarettes a day – but it does not matter because split thinking has manifested once again)

Again, there will be many more labels for the person who once was the Devil Incarnate but is now Back On The Pedestal. To compound matters when you try to point out how we labelled them and referred to all of the ex’s awful behaviours, we will accuse you of making things up, being jealous, projecting your own behaviours and so forth which will leave hurt and utterly bewildered as to what on earth is going on.

We will talk about going back to the ex which will leave you dumbfounded when you point out that this person has done awful things (according to us). We will deny they have, euphemise their impact or refer to the fact that the ex has changed (of course this then alerts you to the fact we have been engaging with them behind your back which is often the case as we hoover them). If the ex is responding to our hoovers and is being seduced once again then of course you know what is happening to you when we speak with them don’t you? Yes, that’s right, we are giving you the labels we once gave to them as we talk about how we have been conned, how we were misled, how the new IPPS actually told us lies about you and we were taken in by them.

Never our fault. Always somebody else’s.

Triangulation is a major part of the narcissistic dynamic. It allows for two strong fuel lines, it causes parties to fight over us, it makes them work harder to keep us (or draw us away) when they perceive there is a threat. It is an excellent manipulation which delivers time and time again.

Accordingly, we love to be able to talk ex,baby.

 

36 thoughts on “Let’s Talk About Ex, Baby

  1. DD says:

    This reminds me of how my ex told me that his ex had come to visit him a month after their break up, screaming and “looking crazy”, saying she wanted her money back that he apparentely owed her. I didn’t ask more questions as I just didn’t want to know, agreed with him in all honesty (and wrongly), but more than a year later he told me that he practically lived at her’s for the whole 1 year relationship, because it was convenient for him to stay there, since he dealed weed and she lived in the area where he did that, without ever paying rent. He then proceeded to admit that she was an addict, so much that he actually SOLD weed to her because she used so much that it “couldn’t be sustainable for him to give it to her for free”. The guy actually sold weed to his girlfriend who he despised for being such an addict (being an addict himself). He was very young at the time 21) so I didn’t take it that seriously. He ultimately left her because she was “always depressed” (I wonder why). Now I can’t be certain he was a narc. But those were still obvious red flags. I was so blind. How could I love someone like that? It makes me question my own sanity honestly.

  2. Narc affair says:

    So true. My narc doesnt do it much but he did bring up an ex a year or so ago and said she was “bubbly”. It really bothered me and i sent him an email about it so i could express myself fully without emotion. I told him i didnt want to ever hear about his exes. That it made me uncomfortable. I ask myself why did it make me uncomfortable bc im not an insecure person by nature. Its bc deep down i dont trust him and i knew this was intentional. Narcs like to tell on themselves indirectly either thru bringing someone up or accusing you of doing what they are doing. He replied to the email apologising and saying women have a 6th sense about these things but that nothing was going on. Then he says to me that she texts a friendly hello once in awhile but thats all. Lol bs i know theres more but the main thing i wanted to get across is…i dont want to hear about your exes!!! Im very direct that way and established that i wouldnt tolerate it. He hasnt brought up any since. Not to say he hasnt triangulated me tho. He has. The games just change is all. Its meant to triangulate why they do all this. Triangulation is leverage to make u do things or act a certain way.

    1. Narc affair says:

      I wanted to add that ive noticed a cycle when i do confront my narc on a boundary broken or something hes done to upset me. Hes super apologetic and nurturing but afterwards i get the shelf treatment. By shelf treatment i mean hes not as intimate and close to me sexually which we are very sexual usually. This goes on for a couple weeks. I think its his way of punishing for standing up for myself. Narcs hate loath us to have any self respect and certainly where theyre concerned we should have none. It really steps on their ego to have someone stand up to them and say “no” “no you dont treat me that way!”. That is why they seek empaths with vulnerabilities and codependant. They want to have the control and all the respect which includes our self respect. Im glad i stand up to him and altho the shelving is hurtful its worth it. My self respects more important to me. I dont want to hear about one of his exes and i dont have to!

  3. Nicnocturnal says:

    His triangulation used to hurt me a lot. It was what I selected in the poll. I’m a private person but he would do it with everyone. Nothing was sacred. Every intimate detail and disagreement was discussed so that he could gain pity fuel and smear me. Of course I had no idea what it actually was at the time, but it made me very uncomfortable.

    But allied to that is the knowledge that I allowed myself to be used in this way when he was with his wife. The feeling that you’re the only one in the world that understands them is an immensely powerful one, but I’m still a hypocrite.

    This made me laugh though. His new squeeze will obviously think I’m the devil incarnate, and yet I’m the only person who understands his behaviour and who he won’t be able to triangulate with against her (at least not with any complicity on my part). Go figure 😆

  4. Anonymous says:

    No triangulation took place at any point in our relationship. He never talked about wanting to go back to his ex. By ex I mean wife. This might be a special case though because I’m about 78% sure his father-in-law has compromising information about him and blackmails him. I considered joining forces with the father-in-law, but then I’m too lazy and I don’t know if I really want to sink that low. Harming another person is only appealing to me when I’m freshly wounded.
    I wish there had been triangulation because then I would have left… .

    1. Nat says:

      Triangulation doesn’t make you want to LEAVE him because it’s manipulative. It goes this way:

      “My ex was sex addict, she pleased me every morning. I liked her style, the way she dressed, oh there have been a few who wanted to take her from me. And my family loved her too, she was such a great person. But no way, I don’t want her back, never, I love you more than anything! If only you could be more like her…”

      OR

      “This girl is always wearing stockings and nice shoes, and she’s a lawyer, very intelligent her family is so wealthy. But oh no, don’t be jealous, she’s pathetic, I know she’s so into me, but she’s too fat you know. You’re more beautiful!”

      How the hell is that going to make you leave? You end up being jealous as hell, but trying harder and harder every day to be better than her.

      1. Anonymous says:

        Let me repeat myself: this did not happen in my relationship. If it had, I would have left. I have an extremely low tolerance for bullshit. This sort of behaviour is obvious bullshit to me. If a guy makes me feel like I need to try harder, or like I’m not good enough, or he tries to manipulate me into feeling inferior, then I’m out. I’m not judging those who don’t pick up on the bullshit, I hasten to add. But I’m simply not the type of person who plays that kind of game. I do put up with other crap though. Obviously. Or I’d not be where I am.

    2. Anonymous says:

      Upon further reflection, triangulation was attempted months before I agreed to go on a date with him. He used to send me messages about women he’s met (not sure if he made them all up, or if he made some of the up, or if he was honest. There were LOTS). This was weird to me. Now I don’t mind when my male friends do that sort of stuff, and I will gladly act like one of their beer-drinking male mates when they want to have this sort of conversation (except I won’t drink beer because beer is gross) but I barely knew him. We literally exchanged a couple messages and I thought 1. this guy is weird and 2. he must be really lonely and immature if he thinks this is the sort of conversation he should be having with a female stranger. So I repeatedly ignored him. He repeatedly messaged me again. I told him he’s a serial-dater and a bit wrong in the head. So he stopped that sort of talk. And never tried it again. We can say a lot of shit about him but he definitely isn’t stupid. I guess he knew that’s not one of the things he can safely pull off with me so he nipped it in the bud. He probably does it with others. I’ve seen the way he interacts with other women (was shown messages by women) and it’s very different from the way he interacted with me. He probably has a few patterns and pulls out whatever fits.

  5. gabbanzobean says:

    My apologies I meant to say….Sarabella….I appreciate this perspective from you, regarding the “life debt”.

    1. sarabella says:

      Don’t get me wrong. He didn’t mean he was really in debt to me. Not like normal people’s sense of gratitude and debt. he just used it to hoover and further manipulate me. Nothing more than that. And worse, since he knew he was still mind fucking me, of course I would react and then, the debt would be absolved as I then didn’t deserve a pay back as I had failed him. I used to think this is what he was doing but reading HH’s stuff, now I am sure. Sound about right HG? I let him down with negative fuel, he could retract his owing me and be ok with it all without any wounds.

  6. Snow White says:

    You are right about the ex conversations never being over. I heard about them from the beginning and felt so sorry for her because of how they treated her and abused her.
    Then I heard stories about the the ex finance and how he always wanted to have her back. She would always say that he texted her. And then there was an ex pilot who contacted her to get her back.
    There were plenty of ex stories and I wasn’t jealous of any of those.
    The ones that bothered me were the ones that she was trying to ‘sell’ as replacing me as a friend. She would tell me ‘ I think we are getting close’ and ‘ we do the same things together as you and I do’ .

    It was such a confusing concept to me and I was relieved when I learned about the purpose here.

  7. gabbanzobean says:

    I will add one. Mine was an adulterer and lived a double life with wife and the last girl before me (also a DLS).

    In the beginning. Him: “Oh K? She was utterly bat shit crazy….blah blah blah.” (yeah the nerve of her thinking he’d leave his wife for her)…I never spoke to her again and we severed ties”.

    Later on: Him: “Oh K? We still keep in touch!”

    Me: “I thought you told me that you and K never spoke again?”

    Him: “Oh come on Gabrielle! I hurt her, screwed her over, I almost left my wife for her. I OWE her. I have a life debt to her”

    Me: “And what sort of debt is that?”

    Him: “To be there for her whenever she needs me”

    1. sarabella says:

      Well, interesting. I never saw this one bit from this angle. If he thinks I was still his from well, decades ago, and he allegedly felt bad about what he did to me then which is what he used to get to me again, then this might explain his over emphasis on asking me to forgive him and to excuse his ignorance? Cause he sort of felt he owed me? Only it wasn a real owing, or real remorse, it was just a reason in his head why I was still present in his head and how he used it as a reason to hoover? Like some wierd debt?

      If I hadn’t known better, I would not have guessed his reasons for telling me once that he had just shared with his friend how he owed me for life for helping him financially. Well. Look how many things he accomplished with that line which he delivered after we hadn’t talked for over 6 months:

      1. it was a way to convey that I was on his mind, I was a topic of conversation
      2. He owed me a debt (I told him to pay me back by disappearing) so we have this bond and it was also a future fake to imply I might collect on.
      3. He was sharing with a ‘friend’ and I am sure it was some young girl so, triangulation,
      4. He used hurting me and me helping me as a way to reestablish our history of our ‘friendship and to remind me of how much I did for him and thus remind me of my feelings and thus, re bind me to him.

      Amazing how nothing seems so innocent. Its like everything is suspect and manipulation.

      1. gabbanzobean says:

        From the predecessor’s perspective I appreciate you sharing this.

  8. Ali S says:

    It’s so crazy because my ex narcs primary source I believe was his then 17yo daughter… his daughter and I got along well and she knew I was tired of hearing about the ex wife so on what ended up to be our last date his daughter came to dinner with us and seriously started yelling in the middle of the restaurant how she’s sick of him talking about her and revealed to everyone how his ex her ex stepmother abused her! What a shit storm! I didn’t know what he was then but I saw how he treated his daughter and realised I was next! Yea I got the fuck on! Poor girl, now 19 yo probably still his fuel slave!

  9. Flickatina says:

    Goddamn it! Now the song is stuck in my head. Could you be any more evil??

    1. HG Tudor says:

      One can always be more evil.

      1. shantily says:

        Always

      2. Sookie Stackhouse says:

        Speaking of evil….HG, in your empathic conquests, have you ever encountered an empath who out-narc’ed you? Some empaths have very strong narcissistic traits.

        I don’t know how much I will believe your response though 🙂

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Of course not. One, I win, they don’t. Two, the empath chosen wouldn’t be capable of this. No matter how narcissistic they might be, I will go further.

          1. ballerina9 says:

            HG, what did Matrinarc think of your wife? And vice versa?

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Not good enough for me although she was always pleasant to her face.

            She wanted her approval and was wary of her. She often said I was MatriNarc’s blue-eyed boy. How little she realised.

          3. ballerina9 says:

            Indeed about your wife!!!
            How did Matrinarc react to your divorce then?
            Thank you HG.

          4. HG Tudor says:

            Oh she feigned concern and what a terrible thing it was. Then of course sought to chastise me for not keeping hold of that “delightful girl” whilst I knew she delighted in it falling apart.

          5. ballerina9 says:

            “Sought to chastise” you… like she had a chance in hell!
            Well from my little corner of the world, I’m forever grateful to you.

      3. Narc affair says:

        Ive seen this in play with my mother in law she will set out to cause disagreements between hubby and i only to sit back and smile then swoop in to save the day and try and patch things up. Three is the narcs favorite number they live to play people off one another, contribute to ruined relationships then be the hero who was there to help pick up the pieces.
        Id love to be a fly on the wall at my brothers house when my mothers there. Im sure she has grown insecure of his wife and their marriage and meddled. She cant help herself. She has to be queen b and that includes over spouses.i can see her controlling his marriage. It started early where she tore and smeared his wifes mother. The manipulation never stops. Of course she would make things seem hunky dory to myself if i asked how they were lol so predictable this disorder once you see the patterns.

      4. Narc affair says:

        A great movie that depicts a narcissistic mother interferring in their sons life is ” only the lonely” with john candy lol must have him on the mind this week 😂 his irish mother is exactly my mother in law! Guilt trips, pity plays, smearing, sabatoging. Its any wonder his girlfriend stayed with him. Its a really good movie altho an older one. His mother id say was a victim narcissist midrange dirty angel 😄

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I haven’t heard of that one, I shall check out the link you posted.

      5. Narc affair says:

        Im not sure if its your type of movie HG but i really liked it! I now know that the mother in this movie was most definitely a narcissist! I think she wouldve loved nothing more but to keep her son single to look after her into old age. My mother in laws not quite as bad as her but close 😄 anyways do check it out 👍

  10. RecoveringNarcoholic says:

    Yep, I can hear word-for-word how the conversation is playing out with the new IPPS. But that’s OK. Sometimes you’ve just got to put on the hat and relish being the Wicked Witch of the West. (Better than being a victim, n’est-ce pas?)

  11. Nat says:

    Absolutely happened to me as well. The funny thing is that I met his ex and she told me stories of how she was triangulated with even the previous ex… And every time the same cycle was repeated.

  12. shantily says:

    How is this possible that you’re all the same in this aspect ??!! That you are writing his (the Narc I knew) story of behaviour towards his exes and me in regard to his exes???
    Unbelievable, like all of this information so eerie and exactly the same in every aspect … I’ll use an English term ..I’m gobsmacked. If anything could drive home that I was dealing with a narcissist this article 100% confirmed it. Thanks HG for doing what you do

    1. Lizbeth says:

      Yes! The triangulation was always present. Most likely like was said the person he was flashing in front of you was long gone( the fling). But it put the focas on them and he was on to the next fuel source and when he’s getting ready to discard them they will come into play. And on and on. Keeps you in a constant state of anxiety. That’s where he needs you to be.

      1. shantily says:

        Hmm yes triangulation although….only when I brought it up or I was being devalued otherwise utter radio silence in the exes. No antidotes no reminiscing no stories no nothing ! He screamed in my face once ” why do you always bring her up I never think of her… ever !!” And I thought this crazy bastard is telling me the truth!! How does someone NOT think about someone unless it’s an anniversary, birthday, or what have you, of some kind …????
        He was engaged to his ex, was going to adopt children with his ex how the F does he not think about her?
        When we’re being devalued ??? Oh the exes should never have been left !!! They were the best thing ever !!! Darlings, angels, the sweetest kindest sexiest people ever …and we the fucked up crazy ones ??? Are dirt under their finger nails …. cheers Miss Lizbeth

  13. Jody Allen says:

    Wow! This actually happened to me today with the Ex Husband Narc (not the current Ex SO Narc) He was trying to tell me all about the wife who just left him (the one he dumped me for 7 years ago) was spreading rumors that he’s a “wife beater”, (which he is) and that “She’s not right in the head” “I’m sending the Bishop of her church to go see her, because I’m worried that her cheese has slipped off her cracker” Yuck!!!
    The word “Triangulation” was screaming in my head, along with “Hoover”(which he has been trying to do for a couple of weeks now)..
    This conversation was supposed to be about one of our children. Not only did he not talk about the kid in question, he didnt even ask how I was instead it was Woe me…victim..victim, victim..I gotta go.
    If I can get to where I feel this way about my Ex SO I will be on top of my game!

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