Little Acons – No. 8

YOU WILL BESORRYWHEN I'MGONE

A series of memes which encapsulates the mind set of the narcissistic parent towards their child result in the creation of the Adult Child of a Narcissist.

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55 thoughts on “Little Acons – No. 8”

  1. I wonder exactly the same thing, 12345. When my father died 8 years ago I felt that he hadn’t learned anything in this life and contributed and given nothing. But I feel the same about my mother who has done nothing in all this time but travelling and enjoying life with the money she inherited then. She enjoys being the matriarch and matrinarc now. She’s sucked my energy as long as I can think and has never given anybody anything in return. I really don’t know what I should miss about her. I haven’t missed my father a single day and never shed a tear. But I have cried for the parents I’ve never had.

    1. ava101,
      Everything you wrote is exactly how I feel (my dad died 7 years ago). Many of us mirror each other on this forum.

  2. I say this with complete sincerity. There is not a day that passes that I don’t hope she dies. It’s not with malice. It’s finality that I want. People who aren’t familiar with narcissists believe I should be condemned to hell for such a comment. I simply want her gone. Forever. She always says, “I’m still here so God must not be done using me yet”. I do happen to believe that God is the author of life and death as controversial as that may be. I don’t know why she’s still here.

    1. 12345, I understand that you want her dead and have closure.
      But I think the goal for us, at leasst for me, is to achieve zero impact. Once you are therre, you won’t care whether she is alive or dead. You will not think of her every day. You will have real closure.
      I personally think that is better than her death.

      1. I have no contact with my mother and she is still abusive through her lieutenants. I will have real closure when the breath has left her body. Zero impact prior to her death is not possible. Zero impact will occur when she has become ashes.

  3. I am trying to think how this one fits and not seeing it was ever really said to me. I will have to come back to think through if it was conveyed in other ways.

    I did tell the narc something that almost sounds similar but it wasn’t I don’t think. When I think of who I was as a young girl and what he did to me and why, I one day was feeling who I used to be before life just piled on more hurt and not even believing he rejected me again and how, and I told him, “I am sorry you did what you did when we were young. I would have been the sweetest girlfriend to you.” {this was when I believed his lies about what had really happened and it was beyond his control, that he always had cared.} So it was sort of implying you missed out by rejecting me and also trying to say, and you missed out again and you will miss me and what you missed. I don’t think that is the same though.

    But I have been thinking HG… when I spoke to some people when the pain was at it’s worst, I got back this perspective that it’s people’s Egos doing all this. And that is not a word or concept that is coming up in your writing.

    Do you think that the parts that get wounded, that you are trying to shore up, are the damaged ego? An ego that was never formed properly? Not ego as in egocentric but ego as defined by psychology.

    I guess I wonder how the NPD plays into failed ego development or not. My narc was described as an egomaniac by his friend, but then also, that he is someone with alot of complexes. So is he really an egomaniac or is it actually society mistaking ego for NPD? Make sense? Someone else said, “He is vain that one” and I don’t think its vanity either as that also sounds like Ego from Freud’s world.

    I wonder if as education about narcissism spreads, if the concepts of Ego and all will be redefined as well.

    1. I daresay it is related to the ego, it is not a word I use, not because I necessarily disagree with its use, it is just not something I have included.

      1. Its funny as he said to me last, “I can’t take your infatuation and ego.” Isn’t it funny how all mixed up you get it all?

        Maybe I did develop one with him, but then again, it was also a reaction to his manipulations to ‘open me up’ and get me bonded to him. It was a reaction though I think. A jacked up effort to build boundaries and defend myself and get him to own what he did came out as being full of ego on my part. I liked who I was without all that and don’t ever recall being so full of myself with anyone before that. Maybe I started to mirror him and his ego in my own self-defense. It all got so crazy mixed up.

  4. I’d love to also know more about the effects narc parents on empaths. I believe even though I am a super empath, I have had narc tendencies peak out throughout my life. Most specifically in my teens and now as my children are getting older. I see my mother come out of me at times and it’s frightening. I think it’s a good reminder that none of us are completely immune to acting like our narc parents as the latent learning is there. I have to remind myself when my children frustrate me, to act how I WISH my mother would have acted. Even we empaths have walls and guards built around our hearts because of the narc abuse in our life. That’s what makes it so painful when we let the guard down to love a man and he ends up just reenacting the very same thing our narc parents did to us. Its just picking the scab off an old childhood wound.
    Yes, we are so similar. Soul mates…that’s why we are drawn to each other. We carry the same wounds in our souls, They just manifested differently.

    1. Aj so very accurate your post! Word for word what you said i see in myself. I catch myself doing things my mother did and i apologise and try harder never to be that way. Its deeply ingrained in our way of thinking and habits are broken thru repeated practice of other ways of thinking and doing.

  5. guilty of saying this to my adult Son… only because I rarely see him anymore (distance gets in the way) never said in a manipulative way, more in jest, that is the difference

    1. My daughter says that to me in jest, too. She’s 20 and she’ll ask me to do something she knows I hate like help her clean her bathroom. When I say no she says in a sing-song voice that I’ll be sorry when she’s gone and then we both laugh. It still makes me stop and think though.

      But, seriously, I’m sure those who have lost a child would give anything to clean a bathroom with them again. Probably not the best choice of words to kid around with. God knows I’ve used my share of “guilt” phrases since she was born. I think that’s just part of being a mom in general.

      1. 12345
        Yes, we cant take everything so literal. Sometimes its just a comment. Like when I used to say to my first husband: No thanks, Im saving it for my seconf husband. Oh wait…. that was true…….

        Also I understand completely about you wanting her dead. No judgement here.

      2. absolutely, 12345 and everyday is a gift knowing they are still here! He is what I live for… I’m sure you get that!

  6. My ex-boyfriend’s mother made statements like this often. She died over a year ago and the world is a better place because of it. My ex told me things are easier with her gone because she was so controlling.

  7. HG it is the third or fourth time you publish little ACONS and these are exactly the words that my ex Narc used towards me. Is that possible that he was copying the same expressions and behaviours he experienced with his Narc mother?

  8. Matrinarc favourite line. Its works perfect on my codependent sister. I know exactly what she is i have little emotions towards her. She recently fake diabetes for attention. She told the doctor she was diabetic. Her levela have been normal for over a month.

    She sent me a gift card with zero balance for my birthday when i confronted her she blamed the store clerk i asked her to give my niece the receipt. ” I don’t know where it is” lol. BTW, after my integrating she claimed she had high cholesterol and is taking meds for that as well. She’s a nurse and work full time but for the past few years she gives us a retirement date😊 i know now thats where she gets her fuel. Over 70 years old and hasn’t changed.

    Ugh, my sis so damn stupid who would do something like that on purpose? Why would she waste her time? It was revenge because i sent mothers day gift late and cancel plans to visit.

    Thank you H.G.

  9. Are you deaf? Did you not hear me? I will repeat it just for you as you are so very special. Do listen this time as I won’t be repeating it, I will be taking you to it. So there is choice for you so you can never say there was not. Here we go, ready:
    “There is the door”.

    Just one last thing if you don’t walk out of it voluntarily I will be showing you where it is and how to reach the other side.

    Now I hope you were listening.

    1. Svr, that’s horrible. My belief is that if parents gave birth to a child, they must house, feed, pay for everything (including tuition) for the child until he/she gets a college education and is settled in his/her career. Otherwise, why did you have the child? She never asked to be born into this brutal world.
      I don’t agree with making a (legal) child work long hrs at menial jobs for college fees or even afterwards to pay off a college debt. If she wishes to work during summer holidays to stay busy, that’s a different story. But during the school yr, it takes time away from academics, and grades will subsequently suffer. It is a parent’s responsibility to be with the child until she is completely financially independent in her chosen career, NOT show the child the door. Even in the case of difficult kids, kids on drugs, etc. it falls upon the parent to take the child to rehab or such until child improves.
      You must NEVER desert your child, otherwise be responsible and use birth control and not have one. Im sorry you went through this SVR and others here.
      This is the practice of my family and the children are coming out of university debt free, and becoming successful doctors, engineers, computer scientists, pharmacists, MBA’s, doctorates etc. They are well grounded individuals and after starting their career, they will often pay for the tuition of younger siblings. So the parent only has to pay tuition for the elder child. There are bank plans that allow parents to start collecting money for college fees as early as when the child is still in elementary school. This is a parent’s responsibility, NOT showing the door to a child that THEY decided to bring into this world. Even if the child was an accident, use birth control or double birth control for heaven’s sakes. If the condom breaks, the female may be protected still by her utilizing VCF (vaginal contraceptive film). Some of this was tangential, so i do apologize.

      1. Jenna this made me laugh!! What you described is certainly wonderful and it would be great if it were always possible. You described the ideal, but unfortunately life is rarely ideal.

        Many families are poor and could never afford to do this. If you’re struggling to put food on the table and pay for housing, you can’t neglect your responsibilities to the rest of the family so you can send a grown child to college. And certainly it’s not fair to expect the poor to not have the joy of children in their lives just because they are poor.

        Then there’s all the families full of narcissists who would NEVER do this. For them it would be non-sensical unless they saw it as advancing their own agenda. I remember being horrified when my fiancé turned 18 and his father offered to buy him a one-way ticket anywhere, but that was the last thing he could expect from him or his mother. Even the non-narcs believed part of being grown up was being totally responsible for yourself.

        I’m glad that your family is so fortunate to be able to provide so well for everyone. You are very lucky that way.

      2. Windstorm, you certainly have the right to your opinion, as do i. After the crying game part 4, i was moved that several pple were following my story, and i started calling them my friends rather than readers/posters/commenters, and you are one of them, as you know. So i am wondering why you would laugh at the opinion of someone who considers you a friend? No matter how infeasible you find the practice of my family funding college education for at least the eldest child, a polite disagreement would have sufficed, rather than laughing. I would never laugh at someone who considers me a friend.
        Having said that, my views on this topic are radical. Raising a child is a huge responsibility, and i do believe that one should have as many children that one can fund all the way through higher education, not show the child the door.
        Of course this only applies to non-narc, healthy families where there is no physical or mental illness or abuse involved, no disability, etc., and that’s the point i was making. To show a child the door because the parent is a narc, is cruelty, and i feel very sad for the children of narcs who have to face this.
        For healthy families as stated above, there are many state funded colleges, so families can consider this as an option. And like i said, there are financial plans that help parents save for their child’s college education from the time the child is in elementary school by contributing some funds every month, and that money grows. It is a demanding commitment, but so are children. Life is tough as it is, and imo parents are responsible to put their child on their own two feet firmy until they have secured a college education and a career of their choice. It is not only my family who practises this, but it is a practice in many cultures across the globe.
        I will repeat that my views on this subject are radical. Not everyone will agree, and a majority will disagree. But we are here to state our opinions openly and honestly, and that’s what i am doing. I believe ‘wanting’/having children is selfish unless you have a financial plan in your mind about how you will fund that child through post secondary education. No child asked to be born into this difficult, stressful, sometimes oppressive world. It is the parents who ‘want’ them.
        I’ve heard college mates complaining ‘why did my parents f**ing have me to put me through this?’ These students would be working odd jobs day and night, and would be attending college concurrently. Their grades would suffer, and they would have a huge debt to pay upon graduation. It was stressful for me to even witness, i can only imagine how stressful it would be for those experiencing it. In the end, it all falls upon the parents. It is my opinion. Thank you for reading.

      3. Jenna
        I am certainly very sorry if I have offended you or hurt your feelings in any way. That was not my intention. I laugh at my friends opinions all the time and they laugh right back at mine! I am very glad that you chose to consider me your friend and I consider you my friend as well.

        I am very glad that your family is able to pay for all the children to go to college and not even to have to have jobs while they are in school. That’s a very great thing and I did not laugh at that.

        I suppose what made me laugh was thinking about the expectation of that here where I live. I think many people here would automatically laugh out loud at the idea of families having that kind of money. It’s that apparent total difference in our realities that makes it funny. I’d like to think if you were here, you’d laugh at a lot of things here too – although you might be more shocked and horrified.

        But I should have been more sensitive to your feelings and kept my opinions to myself. Again I apologize. They say a friend is someone who knows your faults and likes you anyway. I hope you still consider me your friend. 🙂

        (I tried to send this earlier but the internet went out on my phone and I had to retype it on an alternate one with a different carrier. Hope you don’t get this twice!)

      4. Windstorm, thank you for your explanation and your kind words. Yes, i would be happy to still consider you a friend.

      5. Jenna
        That’s very good to hear! Hope all is going well for you now!

  10. “You will be sorry, when I am gone” Words you yourself use to show us, how unimportant we are for you.

  11. Yep, that is what I heard, not from my mother (although I am sure she exploits it in front of others) but other family members when I decided to have very limited contact with my mother (already some years ago). It is actually a very powerful argument because you are blamed and made to feel selfish and the one with the problem. “Nobody is perfect. It is your mother, she did the best she could. Grow up. She is old now and who knows how much longer she will be here. You will be sorry once she is gone”. A cousin of mine (I believe her father had NPD) believes I just should forgive and love. That is always her message.
    I know having no contact with her has liberated me; I am much happier and calmer now. Having no contact with her has actually allowed me to grow up. However, a part of me is in doubt sometimes because I know she has also been a victim and I know she is old indeed. Should I bear her abuse and give her fuel in her last years?
    The thing is, if the abuser had been my ex-husband, nobody would have doubted me and nobody would have told me I should stay with him and forgive and love him. But narcissistic mothers have a very powerful weapon on their side; that general belief that a mother’s love is the purest of all loves. It is not in the case of mothers with NPD. But that is still difficult to believe in all societies. I hope this will change one day.
    I guess it also has to do with the fact that, if you say that a member of the family has a personality disorder, the whole family feels concerned and called into question. And there is a lot of denial in my family too. “NPD? That cannot happen in this family. We are all fine people. Yes, there are some drunken ones, and hypochondriacs addicted to pharmaceutical drugs, some anorexia once in a while but nothing really serious. We are a great family”.

    1. Lou,
      I faced a similar situation. I was an only child. Both my parents were narcs. I always had a very antagonistic relationship with my mother, especially after my fathers suicide which I attributed to her. She smeared me beyond repair with her family. Only my four children and narc husband saw things for how they really were.

      Then she got Alzheimer’s in her 70’s. There was no one else to step up and take charge of her care except me. But there was also no way on earth that she could move in with me without it ending up a murder/suicide.

      The way I dealt with this was first my husband got her to sign a power of attorney/living will with me as her designee. This was in no way against her wishes, since she didn’t trust anyone else to do what she wanted. This effectively shut down any interference from other family. Then I divided her care among the few family members willing to help her. She had always triangulated me with my children (who were all perfect angels, unlike me in every way).

      My children all loved/valued her and really stepped up to help out when she could no longer live safely alone. I paid my daughter and her husband to live with/care for her under my supervision for 9 years until she finally died. Mama never had to be institutionalized, and they ended up with a very large down payment on a nice home.

      I was never able to avoid her entirely and being around her was always painful, but I also never had to feel guilty that I had neglected her. This system worked because I was the only child and she had plenty of money. It would be a lot harder if you had to justify all your decisions with other family.

      I guess the point of this long story is that maybe you can supervise her care and make sure she is never alone without martyring yourself. Be wary of hiring non-family, though. You really have to watch carefully unless it’s people you know you can trust. And you have to watch those you trust too!

      1. Thank you Windstorm2. My mother is actually in good health. She is very independent and has a good life in general. It is my older sister who lives in the same city and “takes care” of her.
        I have had very limited contact with them for more than 10 years. I used to visit for Christmas only but those days I spent with them where very difficult for me. So I decided not to visit anymore. I am fine with that. However, for many different reasons, sometimes I wonder whether I should go back to limited contact with them and bear my mother’s and sister’s abuse for a certain number of days. Or not.
        Thanks again for sharing your experience.

      2. Your comment about your father struck a chord with me. I’ve always wondered if people are committing suicide due to this abuse. I have no plans on doing that but sorry to hear about your father

      3. Thank you, Brian. I’m glad you aren’t considering it. I’ve fought suicide for 50 years, but I do much better now.
        My father was a narcissist, too. He’d done his part fighting and one-upping my mother for 40 years. I often think his suicide was his way of maintaining control of his life and circumstances, when Mama wanted to put him in a nursing home.
        They were both strong-willed and selfish people. No matter how ugly she was to him, he always did as he pleased in true narc fashion.
        Hope all is well with you.

      4. Thank you.
        I think im on the verge of discard, but then i have to deal with the crazy aftermath.
        Being raised by 2 narcissists…that would make an interesting book or article.

      5. Brian
        Ha, ha! Maybe, but I’m not wasting my time writing it. I’d have to think about it all too much. Just dealing with these little ACON memes is almost too triggering for me!
        They were very different. My father was the classic narc – loud, always telling jokes n stories – center of attention. While Mama was a covert. Always pretending.

  12. My mom says this or other variations to me. She would never dare to sibling. My response is now, “Yes, I will and what’s your point again?”

      1. HG. What do or did you say in response to your MatriNarc when she said (or says) that you will be sorry when she is gone? Do you retort or do ST and not justify it with a response?

      2. When it was said when I was a child I would nod and confirm that I would be as that was the required response.

      3. HG could you make articles that give a generic gameplan for each type of manipulation?

        E.G. if the narcissist says how wonderful someone is, to triangulate, the response is to agree wholeheartedly and go even further with the praise.

        IF the narcissist is talking about something sad or traumatic to toy with your emotions, just smile, and they stop.

      4. Yes, countering sounds good, and the riposte grenades also make it sound like a fencing match.
        It is really, you have to be subtle, train yourself and improvise.:)
        May I ask how many times a month you see the doctors, how long you have been seeing them, and do you see even 1% change in your outlook and behaviour?

      5. It varies on my commitments – 1 to 4 times. Yes there has been an alteration within the specified parameter.

      6. I didn’t expect you to say that. Especially as you just reposted the article about how therapy is pointless. Hopefully it is an alteration which is healing and not one that makes you more effective in deploying machinations 🙂

  13. OH boy! I use this line. I say you will miss me when I am not here.
    I say this because I feel this way with my own parents. I realize how important they were to me.

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