5 Common No Contact Mistakes – No. 4 The Need To “Sign Off”


The most common conclusion to the romantic entanglement with our kind is for you to be discarded. Certainly this is what happens the first time around for most people. Later on, the likelihood of it ending because you escape increases as a consequence of either increased knowledge or awareness and/or being unwilling or unable to endure the consequences of your treatment for any longer.

Where you have been discarded, it is understandably common for victims to do a number of things, which includes :-

  1. Trying to resurrect the Formal Relationship with us;
  2. Wanting answers as to why you were discarded;
  3. Wanting answers to understand how you have been treated;
  4. Wanting to address outstanding issues such as financial and/or property issues;
  5. Wanting us to understand how much you love us/you are hurt/you are angry etc

Whilst you may want to tear a strip off us and give us a piece of your mind it is usually the case when you have been discarded that your response is not so much an aggressive one, but more one of bewilderment, pleading, trying to get together again and sort matters out, or eventual resignation and hurt with a recognition of the need to tie up those loose ends such as money owed, the return of possessions and so forth. The general stance by those discarded is not usually aggressive in nature.

When you have been discarded from being our Intimate Partner Primary Source this has happened most of the time because you have been replaced by somebody else. We have somebody new, exciting and with that wonderful positive fuel which we want to last forever. This means that you will be effectively deleted from our minds. This is the ideal opportunity for you to establish your no contact. We have focused elsewhere and we do not want you interfering with our new embedded primary source. You are actually being given a head start at no contact but most people do not take this opportunity. This is because they cannot make sense of what has happened to them, nor what they need to do. They remain in the emotional sea and unable to make any progress.

The desire to sign off and gain some kind of closure by engaging in items 1-5 above (and more besides) means that you try to contact us, whether it is in person, by letter, telephone call or electronic message. At best you will be politely rebuffed and if you accept that rejection and stay out of our way, you are highly unlikely to hear anything more from us until the new primary source is devalued and we come after you by virtue of the hoover. However, if you continue to want to achieve the “sign off” by engaging in sustained contact you will receive malign hoovers to drive you away. You will be smeared even further and you will be triangulated with the new primary source.

However it will not end there.

If you eventually stay away and look at implementing no contact, your post discard behaviour has generated a significant risk to maintaining that no contact. You have already been painted black by virtue of being a treacherous and failed appliance. Your failure to accept you have been discarded (because you keep contacting us) not only infuriates us because we see it as our right to engage in the golden period with the new primary source free from interference from you, but you are failing to do what we want. Yes, we will issue malign hoovers for the purposes of drawing negative fuel from you when there is engagement. Your insolent behaviour for not  staying out of our way means that when Follow-Up Hoovers occur at a later stage (subject as ever to the Hoover Trigger and Hoover Execution Criteria) is likely to result in a malice obsession trigger so that there are repeated Hoover Triggers and that we will embark on a malign campaign against you.

Thus, when your replacement is being devalued, we will be seeking a replacement and one of two things will happen. We will either devalue the existing primary source, seduce a fresh prospective primary source AND malign hoover you by way of punishment or we will devalue the existing primary source, seduce you once again and do so purely for the purpose of drawing you back in. You will be drawn back in but only as an Intimate Partner Secondary Source and then we will torment you. You will be placed on the shelf for long periods by way of punishment. You will be subjected to devaluing behaviour, this being one of the exceptions to when IPSSs usually enjoy elongated golden periods.

It tends to be the case that the Lesser and Lower Mid Rangers will adopt for the malign hoover campaign only. The Upper Mid Ranger and Greaters will adopt one or the other given their greater degree of sophistication and calculation.

Thus the desire to seek some kind of sign off with us when we discard you has numerous effects but so far as no contact is concerned you have created the risk that we will come after you with a vengeance either in a malign fashion or to torment you further by bringing you back under our wing in a supposedly benign fashion.

Your repeated failure to do what we wanted post discard means you run the risk of creating a malice obsession with us and thus this will cause repeated Hoover Triggers so that in ordinary circumstances you may well have reduced the Hoover Triggers to a very low level, but now, you are causing them frequently with the consequences that follow as we keep hoovering looking to disrupt your attempt at no contact.

Thus, that is the risk where you have been discarded. What of when you have escaped?

In this situation you are far more likely to have resolve, worked things out, planned and perhaps you even know what we are. Combine this with how you have been treated by us means that the desire to “sign off”with us in some way is huge. In the case of your escape, this manifests usually in the following ways:-

  1. Seeking to expose us to third parties;
  2. Telling us how terrible we are;
  3. Looking to hurt us in some way;
  4. Unleashing your anger on us;
  5. Telling us we need to change and seek help.

In essence your sign off is not so much about seeking answers and/or sorting things out as it might be when you have been discarded but it is about getting one over on us.

You will undoubtedly feel better for telling us what  obnoxious, unfaithful, hurtful bastards we are. You will feel a sense of relief at telling us how you hate us or how you pity us. You will feel a sense of accomplishment by telling us what we are. However with all of that comes a considerable risk to the no contact you will want to put in place once you have escaped.

First of all, the usual “sign off” is done in a fuel filled manner. If you confront us you will be utterly unable to deliver your tirade or announcement without giving us fuel. Even if by telephone or in a letter it will be fuel filled. I have seen it often. This means that your last act as you escape is to remind us of what an excellent fuel provider you are. The consequence of this means that the Initial Grand Hoover which follows as we seek to bring you back under our control will be fiercer. If the IGH does not work and we are forced to find a new primary source, when there is a Hoover Trigger for a Follow-Up Hoover further in time, you will automatically lower  the bar on the Hoover Execution Criteria because you have given us an excellent fuel imprint at “sign off”. Thus you increase the risk of successful hoovers.

If you have wounded us through this sign off (which usually happens with exposure attempts rather than your final message to us) then this  creates a risk to your intended no contact. The IGH becomes furious as we are driven to assert control, gain fuel and heal the wound. You will also have created the risk of causing a malice obsession so that if the IGH fails, you have increased the risk of Hoover Triggers when we devalue your replacement. Thus when you are trying to maintain no contact we will keep hoovering you with intensity. Either from a frenzied IGH or later through repeatedly triggered Follow-Up Hoovers which will be malign in nature.

Accordingly, whilst the desire to “sign off” with us in some way will be either inevitable (post discard since you do not know what you are dealing with) or difficult to resist (post escape because you want your final say to us) the fact of signing off will increase the risk that your no contact implementation will fail.

Resist the temptation to sign off and thus maximise your chances of a successful no contact implementation.


17 thoughts on “5 Common No Contact Mistakes – No. 4 The Need To “Sign Off””

  1. Hi H.G

    I’m involved in a battle of wills with an UMRN. I was never an IPPS. I’m a NISS in exile. I refuse to see him & will not be compliant. I enjoy tormenting him. He’s devaluing and trying to gain the upper hand. I don’t want to go NC. Any advice on how to ‘crush’ him into submission?

    Thanks for the consult too H.G

  2. Mine doesn’t leave me alone he’s never discarded me for anyone else, every time I’ve gone no contact, I’ve fell for the crap again, I have no kids with him and won’t live with him. I’m at the point thinking I’m going to have to move home to get away. I’ve read and reread your book hg, for which I thank you ,

  3. i don’t understand your first sentence? and your English is hard to grasp for someone of a foreign language. however at the end he misbehaved about my clothes and men looking at me it was unbearable, and then his ex contacted me and i gossiped with her he found out and then said he never wants to see me again.

    1. It was a joke. I was suggesting that you were in prison for 5 years and that is why he has not been able to hoover you.

      1. Haha, wow love your humour. charming like a true narcisst huh. Well i wasn’t in prison he could of send me whatsapp since i never changed my phonenumber nor did we blocked each other. He does have a new supply. Could it be that some narc never hoover exes? cause i talked to his exes and he never hoovered them either he just moves forward .

  4. Great and relevant information! Thank you HG! Naturally, I did everything wrong post discard and hoover/exposure, however No Contact measures remain in place!

      1. Hi HG Tudor, how come my narc has never ever hoovered me, he did caught me chatting with his ex and i was insulting him in those messages. could it be why he has never hoovered me? been 3 years now. he even got new supply

        1. I think your 5 year sentence for public order offences must have been a factor Samantha!

          There are a number of reasons why he has not hoovered you and I would need more information. He may have tried to and you have not noticed or not considered it a hoover. Even if that is not the case, then it will be because there has been no Hoover Trigger or more likely, there has been a Hoover Trigger but he has not executed the hoover because the bar on the hoover execution criteria has been too high for various reasons.

      2. I’ve had weak moments and revoked the No Contact, which wasn’t breached. Time seems to weaken my addiction towards him. No Contact is intact now. Thank you for letting me know who and what I was entangled with! Your information started my healing process!

  5. I am with a greater somatic altruistic narcissistic sociopathic pathological liar. Yay me. I have purchased my own home and I live here, he lives at his house. His daughter was a drug addict I couldn’t deal with the enabling any longer even though that wasn’t the whole problem. He is a cheater and he is emotionally abusive, manipulative full of shit excetera excetera. I truly need your advice on something we have a business together which is our hook at this point. We are successful in the real estate business. I can see that neither of us has the ability to let go for that reason even though I know that he’s taking women to his house. And it shows on Facebook that we are in a relationship. He’s never introduced any of these women to his family and only uses them for sex and supply. Occasionally one of them will contact me on Facebook Messenger to tell me that he’s cheating on me like I don’t know this. At this point I feel like I’m just cock blocking him. I am most certainly an empath but I am flexing my narcissistic muscle when it comes to him, and I’m kind of enjoying it. I found out he was cheating on me when I was going through chemo for breast cancer treatment I will never forgive him for that. Is it possible that something else is going on here? he doesn’t have the guts to discard me and I don’t have the guts to discard him and we would both suffer financially. we no longer have sex because I am not attracted to a cheating lying man whore . We’ve been together 10 years. Please advise

  6. Do you understand that by you continuing to repeat this golden period, then disengagement, then hoovering, that you are really just trying to maintain autonomy? The rush of emotions at the beginning of each cycle feeds the need to attach then you protest when you feel your space is threatened. It keeps the empath in a hyper emotional state and serves your need to maintain a sense of self reliance and not needing anyone or anything but yourself. You see and despise the need in your partner for intimacy, because it’s viewed as weakness. Do you think that maybe supporting your partners emotional and physical needs creates a safer environment, a solid non-weak arena for you to let go and expand your emotions with the safety net of a solid partner? I suggest at some point that if you have not done so, watch the movie Into The Wild and remember what the main character writes in his journal at the end of the film or not and carry on with what works for you. I am just trying to make you think as many others have attempted. If I fall upon deaf ears well, I’m not accountable. It’s all good. I still support your endeavors, you know that. 🥇💰📖💻🇬🇧🇺🇸

  7. The truth is that now, when I know what he is and how his world looks like, I only look at these three painfull years as on unique experience.

    No pain no nothing.
    No desire to tell him anything, no sign off (although I told him few weeks ago that this our relationship is silly and that I’m bored (but it was really painful, real Hell, seems to me now that he might be the Greater)).
    I don’t want a revenge.
    No desire for real No Contact.
    No desire for him to contact me.

    Just curious which move will be next.
    With gentle smile on my face.
    I’m waiting to have fun again, watching him making a fool of himself, again.
    Last time we were at a bar (a week ago), I told him that I still love him and want him.
    But I don’t.
    Just wanted to see how he would react.
    So predictable.
    He doesn’t even see that I’m making fool of him, telling him what he wants/needs to hear.
    Just for fun.
    Just enough to leave me alone, I am sure he is engaged with another lady.
    His lies amuse me.
    I enjoy watching him making his excuses and stories, his reactions.

    He doesn’t see that I’m manipulating his manipulation.
    For almost two months.

    I’ve survived two cancers.
    And here I am.
    Still young, beatiful, smart, successful.
    What an N can do to me now when I know what he is?

    Thank you HG, everything was much easier after I realised what I’m facing with.
    Just like cancer, once you realise what is wrong, you know how to deal with it.

    1. Whoever you are I love you. I’m doing the same thing. I despise him 4 cheating on me at my lowest point in my life. He’s the biggest coward on the planet but he thinks he’s just amazing and he does have some things going for him I will give you that. He reminds me of a predator Venus flytrap. But I mess with him too and I enjoy it. Kick ass and take names

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