In The End It Has To Hurt


By now you all know that I am driven by the hunger that rages within me as I must seek out fuel to feed the beast. To begin with, my fuel comes from the compliments and admiration you send my way during our golden period. Yes, that blissful, wonderful time when everything tastes better, smells more fragrant, looks brighter and sounds sharper. I was asked why can I not contain my need for fuel to receiving admiration and plaudits? Why must I embark on such a destructive course which brings mayhem to everyone around me. Why must it hurt so much? A fair question.

In my case, there are two reasons for this. The first brings forth that old adage of familiarity breeds contempt. Imagine that strawberry is your favourite flavour of ice-cream. I bring you a large strawberry ice cream in a sugar cone. You take a lick and it is delicious. So fresh tasting, so creamy and there are even little pieces of strawberry contained inside of it. It simply is the most sumptuous ice cream you have ever introduced to your taste buds. These strawberries have been grown in God’s garden, tended to by angels and grown with the purest water, the most fertile soil and vibrant sunshine. The milk has been taken from cows which graze on nothing but the most verdant grass, free from pollution and contamination. In fact, every ingredient that has been used in the creation of this magnificent iced confection is the best and perfect. Not only that, it has been crafted by the Supreme High Creator of Gelatos. I bring you a second one. Why not? This is an ice cream fit for champions. You eat this second one but by now you are feeling full. I bring a third, the taste is still great but not as good. Now I give you the good news that you are eating strawberry ice cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner and nothing else. Soon, the amazing taste of the ice cream no longer brings you pleasure. In fact, you start to dread the sight of the ice cream as it is brought to you and then it makes you angry that you have to eat it. You are sick of it now, it has lost its allure.

This is what happens to me. It always happens. Since I am wired to seek out instant gratification, even the most wonderful sensations soon pale to me. I am not built for the long-term, I have no desire for longevity. If it was me eating the ice cream, I need to go and seek out mint choc chip or even vanilla or perhaps a juicy steak instead. I need something different in order to give me that hit. Why not then just leave the strawberry ice cream alone and seek out that new taste sensation, why do I have to subject the ice cream to a campaign of savage and nasty behaviour. One reason is that since I have invested so much energy in securing all that strawberry ice cream I am not going to let it go. I need to treat it differently and thus generate a break from its taste. With you, I need to have a break from the now stale praise and admiration you provide to me. It just does not do it for me. Similarly, I have invested energy in ensnaring you and I do not want to let you go. I have to treat you differently to change the dynamic. I need to keep you around so I embark on a confusing campaign that means you cling tighter to me. I will of course be seeking out new admiration from new sources. There are so many flavours for me to taste. You were once shiny and new. Not any longer. Someone else is shinier and newer.

I will return to you, like I will return to the strawberry ice cream. I have forgotten how it sickened me so I will eat it again and wow, it tastes good. Similarly, I will grant you a short return to the golden period. You lavish me with praise and love borne out of relief and I enjoy it. The law of diminishing returns applies however and soon I tire of your admiration as I tire of the strawberry ice cream and once again I must take a break from it, whilst never actually severing ties with you or giving away the ice cream. Back and forth I will go, occasionally being good to you to receive your admiration as I occasionally have a scoop of the strawberry ice cream. Thus this familiarity and unwillingness to let you go means that I have to treat you badly in order to resurrect the positive fuel on an infrequent basis whilst drawing on the negative fuel to provide the contrast.

I mentioned two reasons. The second reason arises from occasional glimpses of reality. For the most part we dwell in our false construct that we have dragged you into. You may achieve something or a colleague may secure a new contract or we notice a friend purchase a flash, new car. This provides us with a painful reminder of our own limitations and our hatred of the limelight being moved elsewhere, however temporary. In such a case we have to lash out. We must denigrate, despise and demean in order to create that contrast again, we make you look bad and we look good. By putting you down, or the friend or the colleague we feel powerful and in control again. The horrible sensation vanishes. On these occasions, envy and fear drives us to be horrible to you. We have to do it to make ourselves look superior in comparison.

In both instances we need to provide a contrast in order to maintain our fuel. Thus, all cannot be rosy in the garden, we need to spray the weed killer over the flowers you have grown to ensure we receive the fuel that is our primary aim in life.

49 thoughts on “In The End It Has To Hurt

  1. Cindy says:

    I am new to your writing and newly free from a bond with one of your kind. Your words are mesmerizing but they also make me nauseous. Regardless of–perhaps in spite of–the latter, thank you for sharing your world.

    I have a question for you. Since you believe yourself a superior being, how do you equate superiority with taking advantage of women, who often come to you with trust in their hearts and a very real need to believe in you? Women give and nurture life and, when it comes to cold, hard strategy, they are not an aggressive opponent. Hardly. Wooing a woman into submission is hardly an achievement.

    Wouldn’t challenging prey be more satisfying? To ruin a woman’s life (for the moment anyway) for fleeting instant gratification seems both immature and irresponsible. How does that equate to superior? To leave them a better person following time together seems a much more superior goal. And noble, too.

    I understand noble isn’t a goal. I understood fuel is the goal. But, without fuel, will your heart stop beating? Will your lungs refuse the fresh air you breath into them? Will you die without it?

    If you don’t need this fuel to live, then you’re choosing to be bad man, aren’t you? Again, how does choosing to hurt someone who never wanted anything but to love you make you superior?

    Thank you, on advance, for your insight.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I do choose more challenging prey.

  2. platonlaughs says:

    Reality? Rejected.

  3. ava101 says:

    The Greek had roy boys as in _boy__, and girls anyways. There were no equal rights for women and the democracy did not encompass slaves. It was a male dominated society and lots of kinds of human toys for the men available.
    They possessed some true knowledge inherited from older societies and from Alexandria, that’s right. But there was also a necessity for their philosophers of ethics. Those were concepts, not reality.

    1. ava101 says:

      Toy boys of course, catamites.

  4. Sniglet says:

    Many like to receive admiration. Compliments are worth more when they are expressed in the right tone of voice, with sincerity and are offered for a truly worthy cause.

    Perpetual compliments and admiration of another is a form of belittling oneself and makes one look like a buffoon. If the beneficiary believes every compliment then he or she is a fool. Most compliments are phoney. I rarely believe them because they are a path to creating an obligation to which a weakling cannot refuse.

  5. Jody Allen says:

    I am sorry that this is your eternal Hampster Wheel.
    I’m sorry that you were abused and had to protect yourself in the only way you could, by shutting off love and distrusting others who feel such an unobtainable emotion by you.
    I’m sorry you fail to see honesty and the true intentions of another person and instead exploit and abuse their love for you because you are envious of it and resent it.
    I’m sorry that you cannot believe that another person could hold you in high esteem and value the person who you are because you are who you are, even without all the bells and whistles you offer, because without them you do not feel good enough and vulnerable.
    I’m sorry that the beautiful things you show and the joy you give to others are only tools and stage props and are not things you, yourself, can enjoy or be truly part of.
    I am sorry for all of your hurt and what you must go through, just in order to feel good for a moment in time.
    I am not going to berate you or beat you up over this disconnect from true emotion, but let you know that this knowledge makes me feel incredibly sad for you.
    I would much rather deal with the aftermath of what you have put me through and walk away knowing that I will still have true emotions and I will heal, than to never feel anything at all.
    If I could fix and heal you, I truly would. ♡

    1. Mary says:

      Beautifully stated, Jody Allen.

  6. gabbanzobean says:

    My Narc’s response to me after I asked him why he pursued me at all if he was just going to “feel guilty” about it and “go back to his wife”…. said in the most polite and charming way ever…

    “Well, Gabrielle, you were new and lovely and I just could not help myself to you”.

    Shit, and here I was thinking that was some sort of compliment.

    Another time he said to me “Ever want something you know is bad for you but you want it anyway? Heroin anyone?”

    Drug analogy is similar but the strawberry ice cream analogy makes sense too.

    1. Yolo says:

      “Lingering, bottled up anger never reveals the ‘true colors’ of an individual. It, on the contrary, becomes all mixed up, rotten,confused, forms a highly combustible compound then explodes as something foreign, something very different than one’s natural self.” Criss Jami

      Side effects of too much strawberry ice cream. Narcs, can turn something so good…so bad.

  7. MsSevyn says:

    It’s our f’ing addiction to pain and pleasure that keeps us coming back and asking for more. We may see that you’re tiring of our flavor of ice cream, so we try to become a new flavor. It doesn’t work, so we show you someone else wants our flavor, but one else can have the strawberry flavor you set on the shelf.

    1. MsSevyn says:

      but no one else

  8. lizbeth says:

    Why eat cornflakes everyday when you can have raisin bran,fruit loops or and english muffin…lol

  9. Adele says:

    How does it feel when the supply turns nasty. When she exposes you for what you are. Obviously you commence your smear campaign and talk about her issues but how do you really feel? What is your next move?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Wounded. Dependent on circumstances and the nature of the narcissist, their fuel matrix and the extent of the wounding and exposure, there may be withdrawal, there may be smearing, there may be malign hoovering, you my be destroyed.

      1. Yolo says:

        Ugh, sometimes I fear the latter.

  10. ava101 says:

    And naked men running in the olympics.

    And the oracle of Delfi.
    Know thyself.

    No I don’t think ancient Greece would have been your time & place.

  11. Lisa says:

    My narcissist has always told me he cannot sustain feeling for anyone or feel anything while in the relationship , he only feels something when they’ve gone he has had depression due to relationship breakups and then feels for them and wants them back , he calls this love and that he’s been heart broken but it must just be the lose of control and fuel once they finally leave him for ever . I’ve just received a big long Hoover email yet again after 2 months break up and he’s saying this verything in the email

  12. Maia says:

    Now I understand why he called people in the street as we drove past…. not out loud, but the comments sickened me and I suggested sending them love instead. He said it didn’t matter as they couldn’t hear him. He must have felt so worthless it made him feel powerful. That is just so pitiful.

    1. HG Tudor says:


  13. Lisa says:

    Hi HG, I understand the example of ice cream I think everyone feels this way but it takes much longer to get to that point with non narcs and they are able to rationalise that it’s normal to feel that way and not necessarily act on it by sabotaging the whole relationship . What I’m still struggling to understand is the negative fuel
    Is it really just you want to break up to literally have a break from that person ?
    Is it that by us showing how much we are hurt by losing you it feeds your ego ?
    Is it your own insecurities that we are becoming more complacent has time goes on and you need proof that we do care so you are testing ?

  14. ava101 says:

    I find this very interesting, too, Scout, but I think the Greek were also known for some other things, which are very far from romantic or pragmatic.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Yes, kebabs.

  15. Scout says:

    The ancient Greeks understood 6 words for love:
    Eros (passion)
    Philia (friendship)
    Ludus( playful love)
    Pragma (longstanding love)
    Philautia (love of the self) 2 types: Narcissism, unhealthy love and wider love which is healthy.

    They recognised that a relationship may begin with plenty of Eros and Ludus, then evolves towards embodying more Pragma or Agape.
    People, be they narcs or not, that ditch a lover after Eros has worn off do not have the ability to mature along with the relationship to reach Pragma or Agape.

    We all long for excitement to stave off boredom but as the Greeks show us, there are plenty of ways to love and it doesn’t mean bed-hopping! Sadly, narcs are emotionally immature and self-absorbed to take love from the first stage Eros to the next stage, Pragma/Agape.

    I was addicted to Eros as much as the next person but as I’ve matured I see the relevance of Pragma, however, it remains elusive.

    If we could embrace the Greek way to love I’m sure relationships would be healthier all round.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Very interesting.

      1. Scout says:

        Yes, a subject I’d like to look into further.

      2. Yolo says:

        I would say the Greeks was very knowledgeable in science. As evidence in the world today. Narcissism and Pragmatism go hand and hand. H.G. based on what I’ve learned from you I don’t see how their thoughts differ from narcs.

    2. C★ says:

      I do not believe I have ever heard of this before, but makes sense… the Ancients were way ahead of our civilization in many ways… just take a look at the ancient ruins, pyramids, and other architecture… there is physical proof and what you have just shared is another truth…

      1. Scout says:

        I knew about Eros and Agape as (seduction and lasting love) but was unaware the Greeks had different words to express the spectrum we call love. Tbh, I ‘ve anyways questioned the concept of human love. It’s too complex an emotion to simply lump under one word. I don’t believe in romance as such. It’s another human conceit dreampt up by the French Troubadours in the middle ages. Animals too, are capable of “love’ but their’s is based on bonding a concept I can more readily identify with.

    3. Yolo says:

      Agape being unconditional love correct? Most parents have that type of love with their children.

      I believe it can be obtained in relationships too however, both parties have to be willing. It’s not easy but it is achievable.

      A narc can’t move from the first stage because they are incapable of any type of love.

      1. Scout says:

        Hi Yolo, yes, Agape is unconditional love, unselfish love, whereas Eros represents selfish love.

        1. Yolo says:

          I am aware of the various types based on what i read in the bible. The love God has for His children is agape love. The bible tells us to love the same way. Have you ever heard the saying i have to love you with the love of God. It doesnt necessarily mean we have to like them but we must love them even the unloveable and thats impossible to achieve without the spirit and love of God.

          It’s something we could never do on our own. We feel people should earn it although we haven’t earned it. We look at others people behavior and place it on a scale from good to bad with ours usually not as bad. It’s unfortunate how we can have a plank in our eye and dont notice but we can easily see the splinter in someone else’s.

          The past few days have been extremely hard for me. I don’t want love and narcs in the same sentence. Only pistols and seeing their face splatter like road kill. The malignant hoovers trigger it but in the end if screws me up to have those thoughts.

          Best wishes in pursuit of Agape Love.

      2. C★ says:

        unconditional love….. with the exception of our children, is most difficult, if not impossible to achieve towards another human. it must require tons of self discipline and constant self awareness… I am not “there” yet

  16. Twilight says:

    I decided to take a look today at his girlfriends FB.
    I wish I hadn’t, my heart broke. There is nothing I can do, hmmm do you think sending the book Fuel will help her…..waiting and seeing what happens.
    Yes I did that anonymously I might add, just as someone gave me this book anonymously.

    I know I know bad Twilight shouldn’t be giving anyone any ideas. In my defense thou I was showing her a choice.

    1. RecoveringNarcoholic says:

      Twilight, regarding looking at the new supply’s FB page — been there, done that. Hurt like hell. Made myself stop. Even unfriended the two mutual FB friends we had, so I wouldn’t see her comments on their pages. But sending her information is pointless. Even HG’s dazzling insights wouldn’t penetrate the intoxication of the golden period, which is what she’s in now. When I was there, I could have read volumes about narcissism, and I wouldn’t have believed it had any connection with him. Focus on yourself, and let karma take care of the rest.

  17. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:

    I can certainly speak from personal experience being an ADHDer that boredom will getcha every single time lol. I always used to say that boredom would be the death of me. Clearly, I struggle with this as well.

    I kind of overload on someone or something and then I’m like UGH over it! I don’t always return to it though.

    It appears that boredom (at least in my case) results in feeling dead, depressed, irritable, and restless.

    Variety is the spice of life; however I personally would trade a hit of excitement here and there for something more stable.

    I mean sure…it won’t be AS exciting as it was from the start but it still can be exciting. You ultimately develop deeper more meaningful connections with people.

  18. Nat says:

    As cruel as it may sound, I can’t wait for the devaluation to start for my replacement. And I ain’t sorry.

    1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:

      I feel the same way…

    2. abrokenwing says:

      May I ask why would like her to suffer the abuse you went through if you know from your experience how it hurts?

    3. RecoveringNarcoholic says:

      I’m with you, Nat. She didn’t care about my feelings; why should I care about hers? She was sneaking around with a man who was still purportedly in a long-term relationship, although she makes a great show on her Facebook page about what a Christian she is. I hope she gets the full narc experience. If that makes me a bad person, so be it.

      1. Yolo says:

        I am sure in her mind she was doing her Christian duty by rescuing him from a cheating, psycho, abusing whore. They are equally yoked, remember she’s nothing like you. He’s greatful that she saved him from the monster. Now he’s in touch with self and his spirituality.

        Of course none of that is true and believe me the only way she want experience his brutal machinations if somehow she ‘echapper or the universe takes him away during the golden period.

      2. RecoveringNarcoholic says:

        Yolo, I’m sure you’re right — although in this case she probably rescued him from a selfish, unfeeling, frigid bitch. And unfortunately, he tends to have long golden periods (mine was about 7 years). Since he’s 67 and she’s 60, one of them well might go to their reward before she gets to experience the delight of devaluation.

        1. Yolo says:

          At 67 he may not be as effective with his manipulation. And depending on the type of narc he is he might be afraid he will run her off. Look at it this way she may end up leaving him. 😊He chances of gaining supply at 67 lessens. Watch out, then it will be hoover time.

      3. RecoveringNarcoholic says:

        Yolo — unfortunately, he’s still a very effective manipulator. He’s one of those men who has just gotten more attractive as he got older. And he’s still quite able to perform sexually (damn it!). The only sign he may be slipping is that the new supply is really quite unattractive. He’s always had a reputation for hooking good-looking women; his two wives were both very beautiful and — if I may say so myself — I’m no slouch. From what I can tell from the public information on her Facebook page, she seems to be needy (co-dependent?) and rather shallow. And she obviously thinks she’s won the boyfriend lottery. (But then, I thought that once upon a time!) He apparently went after some low-hanging fruit this time, and I think she’ll be flowing with fuel for quite a while.

        As for the hoover danger, I’ve put the hoover bar pretty high. In the first place, I moved 100 miles away from him. Also, I’ve let him know that I see through his act and — as a mid-range elite — he’s terrified I’ll do something to damage his façade. He’d only go so far with malign hoovers, because he knows the danger of retaliation is very real, and he has far more to lose than I do. And as for benign hoovers… there’s not a chance in hell I’d fall for any of that again. I’d laugh in his face.

        1. Yolo says:

          You should change you name to recoverednarcoholic. No matter how we spin it, escaping them and moving on this the best gift we can give ourselves. It doesn’t matter it appears and though she’s winning we know all so well she’s not. If she’s not that appealing to the eyes and he’s aging gracefully I am sure the devaluation will probably be much worse.

          Whats weird is I don’t think about what my successors look like , how they are treating them because as sure as the sun will rise the mask will slip. The gaslighting and triangulation alone can kill a person at her age. I wish anyone who’s had or are dealing with malignarc narc the very best because some aren’t able to regroup after the experience.

          She dated him why he was still with you consider it a stolen gift it want last. Thank her for taking your garbage out and recycling it.

          I pray that you recieve all the blessing you deserve theres beauty for our ashes.

          Peace and Blessings 😊

  19. Silence says:

    I understand all this related to the dynamic of the relationship. I have a question: You said that you don’t want long-term relations, but in one other article you wrote that a narcissist has a desire to come back to someone and in this meaning to have a stability in his life. Is there any contradiction or it describes different periods and situation?
    My father is a narcissist and all my childhood was in cycles – good periods, awful periods. I am conditioned to this, otherwise I feel everything boring…And the narcissist that I was involved with, tries to reconnect with me every 20-30 days…So, I am thinking that he wants to know that there is somebody, somewhere, who is thinking about him. Oh, he is 64 old and maybe the things are not so successful anymore. I don’t know 🙂
    Thank you in advance.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      We want long-term when we seduce you. Although we devalue and disengage, the fact we regard you all as appliances means that in effect you all merge together and thus become long term in that sense. The removal of your individualism through your objectification creates a constant in terms of fuel supply from lots of appliances regarded as ‘one and thus this is the long term.

  20. mistynolan01 says:

    Yes, we know it “hahs to huurt.” I had so many questions when I first started to read your blog, such as why couldn’t it work with a narc if their empathic partners keep up the praise and adoration. This explains it perfectly.

    There is NO hope of staying in a relationship with a narc and remaining happy. It’s never going to happen. **Sad face**

    Thanks for this, HG.

  21. Wolf Girl says:

    Wow, that really is a great insight into why we’re doomed really, to never keep a narcissist happy, no matter what you do. I enjoyed the analogy, it helped me to understand. Thanks HG

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