Needing Release

needing

Why will you not let me go? I just want to be on my own, I have had enough of you. Is it too much to ask that I am able to lead my own life free of your presence and influence? I need to do this for myself. I do not want to be with you anymore. I had to get out. I have other things I want to do and they do not involve you. In truth, I have been wanting to do this for some time but you always managed to prevent me from going. There was always some reason that came up to stop me from breaking free of you. Every time I girded my loins in order to achieve my freedom you would do or say something that would stop me from going. I don’t know how you manage to do it. It is a fearsome power you have when I stop to think about it. It infuriates me actually, the way you manage to keep this hold over me. It is as if you know exactly what I need and you just have to say the right words. It is like weaving a spell, yes, that is it, you are a sorcerer and when you utter the incantation I am stopped from getting away. You freeze me where I stand or you take control of my decisions and actions. Sometimes your dark magic creates a wall that I cannot see but it is there and I cannot get past it. I despise the fact that you are able to do this to me. It should not be like this. You should not be allowed to control me. I know I cannot expect someone like you to even think that what you do is wrong because all you ever do is think about yourself. I have realised this; eventually. It has come at some cost because I always gave you the benefit of the doubt. I have tried to understand you but so many times it is like trying to play a vinyl record on an ipod. Impossible. I still do not understand why you have done what you have done and perhaps I never will, thank goodness there are other people who I can turn to. I know they will not do what you have done to me. You really are inhuman at times.

What’s that? I gave you no reason for why I left? Why would I? You do not deserve an explanation. Why would I give you the pleasure of seeing me having to explain myself to you? Why would I give you a further opportunity to cast another spell and stop me in my tracks once again. I just had to get away from you but look where we are now. You just will not let it happen will you. Why not just get on with your own life? You are no use to me anymore. Is that the reason? It is part of the reason, yes. No, I am not going to tell you more because you will just use it as a way to worm your way back in and get hold of me once again because that is what you do. It is no good denying it, you have done it so many times. If I give the proverbial inch you take a yard. I don’t know why you are shaking your head because it is true. I don’t care if it hurts, how hurt do you think I am after what you did to me. I had to leave you. There was no hope for any other way. I had to escape you otherwise, well, I do not want to consider what might have happened if I had remained. Just let me go will you. Why do you keep contacting me? I have nothing to say to you. I do not want to speak to you, I do not want to exchange messages, I do not want to see you. No, I do not want to talk about it. No, I do not want to sort matters out. No I do not want to try to resolve our differences. There is no point. I have moved on. Yes, I have moved on. I thought I needed you, I really did but it turns out that this is not the case any longer. I have broken free of your grip and believe me it has been a long time coming. They all know by the way, my friends, your friends, our colleagues and families. I had to tell them because I knew this is what you would do. I knew how dangerous you are and I had to warn them to watch out for you because I just knew you would try and get to me through them. You have done it before but I anticipated this move. I am good at reading you. I have had plenty of practice you see and I always know what you are going to do and say. Your predictability has given me such an advantage now and I am using to ensure I stay away from you, so why don’t you just let go? How can this possibly help you or me? You keep clinging on but I don’t understand why? There is no point in your doing this. There is no point in keep ringing me, although how you got my number I am not sure. Don’t hang around my neighbourhood either, yes I have seen you from the window and my neighbours have told me you have been doing it. It is no good denying it, I know what you are like. You are crazy, you are obsessed, I just need you to leave me alone. Please stop it. I am trying to move forward and you need to do the same. I don’t want to discuss the past. There is no point it is done. What’s that, you don’t like it when I do this, it as if I have changed into someone else. Well, I suppose I have, I have had to, in order to escape your influence. Look, this is getting nowhere, I have been civil with you for the sake of the other people here but it won’t last if you keep this up. Go, go now and leave me alone. Please. Just do it. Move on. You can find someone else, I am sure there is someone equally crazy who will take you with open arms. Don’t look like that, I am just telling you how it is. How can I just change like that? It isn’t me that has changed, it was you, you conned me, but I am not going through all of that now, I know what you are doing you are trying to keep me talking in the hope of persuading me, well it won’t work and besides, you really must go now because my new girlfriend will be here in a moment and I don’t want her to have to deal with you and your lunacy. Go.

24 thoughts on “Needing Release

  1. ajo says:

    But do they really want us to go? That I will never understand. If we really do move on, if we really do find another, then they get jealous and upset. I don’t understand, HG. What do you really want?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Assuming this piece is read as being the narcissist speaking, you are correct in your confusion. We do not want you to go, until we do and then of course we will want you back but when we say. What you need to keep in mind Ajo is the impact of compartmentalisation and the interaction of the Formal and Narcissistic Relationships. The FR can be in place and then end, but even when that is the case the NR continues. Thus we want you, then tell you to leave (but this is done to provoke, confuse and draw fuel), then should you actually do as we said we will then berate you for doing it because the NR remains intact whereby you belong to us. Thus, you may no longer be our girlfriend but you still belong to us.

      1. ajo says:

        I literally dealt with this last night as I contacted him in regards to money he owes me. My email was to the point and very formal, however I did mention that I would hate to take it to court and extended an offer for him to make payments.
        However, his reply was one in which he used the opportunity to tell me to stay away from him, his “extended network” of friends and family. He told me again to “move on with my life” I haven’t had any contact with him or anyone in his tiny circle in 2 months, but he still felt the need to beat his chest. He stated he had no ill will towards me (yeah right), but was asking for privacy and that he didn’t want nor need a response nor further communication.(him trying to get the last word?)
        He also said that all my emails were automatically forwarded to trash and that he just happened to run across this one because he was cleaning out his spam. Funny how I mention court in the email and he replies two hours later and just happens to be cleaning out his spam.
        He’s full of it, right? My guess my emails aren’t getting forwarded to the trash and that he is telling me yet again to stay away (even though I have the last 2 months) to exert his control and feel on top because he owes me money, right?
        I thanked him for his commitment to repay, told him he could stop asking me to move on as I have given my heart to another and have moved on and asked he respect my privacy as well. I also told him I was ceasing further communication as it would be disrespectful to my current relationship and I was merely collecting a debt.
        Predictions? He’s a upper mid-ranger. My guess his knowing I am in a relationship is going to set his wheels a spinning. I’m curious what you think HG.
        What a fun game.

      2. ajo says:

        Also, thanks so much for your replies and for this blog. Knowledge is truly power!!

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You are welcome.

      3. Brian says:

        Is there any aspect to telling the IPPS to leave as a ‘love test’ to test if their behaviour is genuine?
        or is it all about causing any emotion -fuel.

        Also the abuse, is it a test to see if the IPPs loves them enough to put up with it?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          There are tests throughout the dynamic which are there to draw fuel and ascertain the extent of the control.

      4. Brian says:

        Thanks,:)

  2. Victoria says:

    Hi HG,
    This article is one of my favorites; it totally describes the inner thoughts of the narcissist, the one they never speak.
    As always, magnificent!
    Thank you Sir 🙂

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you.

  3. These are the posts I love the most.
    They highlight the empath/narc similarities in thinking/saying/doing. The empath/narc spectrum appears to to be so much closer than it actually is UNTIL you take into account logic. Its all about logical thinking. Then it’s absolute extremes and the spectrum is stretched once more.
    This is why the smear campaign often works in their favour. With exception to the greater, the narcs actually believe their own shit. That’s why people believe them, they are convincing because to them it is all true. This scenario is as ‘real’ to the narc as what it is to the empath.
    Thanks HG.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Pleasure, I am pleased you liked it.

  4. MsSevyn says:

    Hahaha. Then you move on and he goes nuts. If you look happy, it ruins his narrative that you’re crazy. Borderline, anyone? 🙂

  5. Jody Allen says:

    cru·el·ty
    ˈkro͞o(ə)ltē
    noun
    callous indifference to or pleasure in causing pain and suffering

    Cruelty is how it feels when he tells me:
    “Get on with your own life”
    Then texts a couple of days later to pull my strings and lead me on..sending out false hope, and then back to silence.
    Cruelty is how it feels when he uses my
    son- in -law to do his bidding to sexually harass me, to say awful things to me, to tell me he has seen the ex LGN’s Facebook page full of other women, only to have the ex LGN deny it and tell me it’s none of my business…then tag team me through text and get me so flustered and upset that I’m crying and feel like I want to die. Finally when I feel that I cannot take anymore the tension and mindfuckery let’s up..the Ex LGN has made his point loud and clear, He still has control.. just to turn around and tell me to get on with my own life.
    Cruelty is the only word that comes to mind when I read this article.

    1. Kelli Adkins Faine says:

      Im on two and half weeks of trying to go no contact. 6 yrs and a marriage… we have never been away ffom eachother for this long of time. The past four months I knew he was having an affair and my discard was everything I ever feared and he knew that. My girls and I were abandoned….the day before we was at our church picnic and out to dinner and shopping, worked around our house and the next day i came home from work to find his wedding band on his nightstand and a note in kitchen that read……leave good clothes hang in closet till she makes room for them I do love you girls😢 Four days later he has his new homewrecking whore and him plastered all over his facebook, bought the Harley motorcycle I had picked out and made his Fb profile pic of him and her with “their” new bike….but I was crazy and jealous for accusing him of cheating and his family…all members of my church and all living with 2miles of me are all on his side. But in mean time he is still calling me at work and cell bc i have him blocked every other way. He showed up by himself at my work the other day and I told him if he shows up one more time im calling 911. He has this great new life, new whore, new friends, new home, great new job and Im stuck….humiliated and in so much turmoil cleaning up his destructive mess. Of course when he went public, I was bombarded with messages from all the shocked onlookers wondering in bewilderment who this whore was and where was Kelli at. Some happy for him and some appalled at his adulterous behavior. I feel like im trapped in a nightmare and I am having these horrid anxiety attacks that paralyzes me and im unable to breath. I cant help but think he is homesick bc he and generations of his family have lived here for many years and I own the land attached to it and him and his family are up here daily to tend to our garden and checkens. I have not stayed in my own home since the last night we stayed in the home together as a family. Tho he is staying with her in a lil town on the other side of the county he is still there it feels like. Tho he literally vanished himself and belongings from our home of 6 yrs….I can still sense him everywhere. I seriously have no clue how Im going to get thro this. He is taunting me with his new whore and she loves it…hates my guts and wishes i was dead bc of all his smearing of me and I know im all he talks about to her. She hasnt a clue and ive had to sit back and take it bc he has everybody fooled but still wont leave me alone. I cant wrap my head around any of this and with each day that passes my axiwty worsens and the pain increases. I am in so much confusion and shock….I seriously haven’t a clue how to dig my way out of this. I feel like Im grieving my husband who has been killed or died and left me. Im not even able to comprehend my life, my future my marriage.

      1. Jody Allen says:

        Kelli, I’m so sorry that you have to go through this, especially with children in the fray 🙁
        Please do me one favor. Keep your house. Do not let him win, even if it means putting it on the market and buying something else for you and your girls. I am left with nothing but a suitcase full of clothes and a houseful of belongings that he refuses to send me. No job, no money, no car, nothing.
        I say this to you, because you have a lot of options in your situation. You have a home, a job a car, and hopefully some money set aside. If you think about it, You are on the winning end here.
        I know this hurts so terribly, I’m just about 2 months in and while the pain of it still gets me and I keep breaking No Contact, I can at least breath and my anxiety attacks are gone.
        You will get thru this, Kelli, I promise you that. It’s going to take time and lots of reminding your -self, but you are going to come out on the other side a better and stronger you
        Keep me posted how you are doing ♡♡♡

      2. Anne says:

        You poor girl, that’s horrible, thought mine was bad. I know this sounds cold, but maybe you should try to think of him as dead! Dnt look at his facebook, get rid of as much as you can that reminds you of him. Don’t except shame, or fault! Baby steps, i will get better.

      3. Mercy says:

        I’m so sorry you’re going through this. People say to take it day by day but sometimes it’s breath by breath. I’ve been in that dark place. My Narc came back, he is still in my life but now I’m living another kind of hell waiting for him to leave and put me into that dark place again. It’s almost worse because he is here and we are still in contact but I have given up all of my dignity and allowed so much of his twisted behavior for fear he will leave and hurt me again.

        All I can say is that as long as you’re in contact it never gets better. The emotional abuse is always there. You just get thick skinned and are able to absorb more pain.

        You will eventually come out of that dark hole. Breathing will get easier and and eventually day by day will be a possibility.

      4. Shanna Wynn says:

        Dear Kelli, I am so terribly sorry you are going through this, and I pray your pain and anxiety begin to subside as this new reality sets in….as for comforting words, these I have few of, since I am still married to my N. I do hope someone chimes in here and responds with some solid advice for you, because obviously I am not the person (YET!) who has successfully navigated the deep waters you are swimming in…Just know that this, too, shall pass, and you are much stronger than you feel. Sending good thoughts and prayers to you….

  6. slc000918 says:

    Yes, he needs to let me go. I don’t want him anymore. Just let me go…

  7. Helen says:

    Thanks again for describing how my ex sees me, you sound just like him.
    We go eventually as I am trying to do now on my 4th day of no contact after a 2 day only record for the past 3 months we have been living separately and officially broken up.
    I feel more powerful going my 4th day no contact, I hope I make it!
    But I was a crippling mess not letting the narcissist go as he so wished like you did above.
    I know your little blog is setting me up in a trick question, but all trickery aside, your walls for needing to be truly convinced that someone loves you are so high. Our job to love you includes loving you the way your mum, dad, siblings and friends never did. And then we have to love you like the universe is supposed to because you are so hurt. You are a wall of hurt.
    I believe there were a few times, just a few, aside from the manipulations, that maybe you wanted to know about this thing called love, this dirty grungy thing, but you got too scared. And that’s it. You might feign love with your new girlfriend, but having fun and teetering around the edges is not love. And I could only hope that when you are laying in her arms, naked after telling her you loves her during sex, that you feel a pang in your heart about me, and as you brush her hair locks aside you realise this girl was me and you remember how I gave everything to you.
    And then you hug the new girl and hope for real love.

  8. Anne says:

    Bahahaha, second one, almost word for word! Appreciate you in a very weird way! Thought i was gonna lose my mind for a min trying too deal with this crap. Some of it shocks me it’s so what i lived, some of it cracks me up! Holly s***, ya gotta be kidding! Too my laughable relief, i almost lived with him, and i will just say, habits of this human are indeed something! So, good luck too any girl that falls for it!

  9. RS says:

    Wow! The whole time I was reading that I was reading it from the victim’s point of you not the sociopath’s. That is exactly what I would say to him if he ever showed up on my doorstep. Actually, I would just roll my eyes and shut the door in his face!

    1. RS says:

      From the victims point of VIEW. Geez

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