It is well-known that our kind does not do responsibility. We are not to be held to account. We are never culpable. Nothing is ever our fault. We are free to act as we please, doing what we want without concern for repercussion or consequence. Responsibility does not figure in our considerations. There is a considerable deficit on our side of the equation when it comes to shouldering responsibility. Nature abhors a vacuum however and therefore since we create such an absence of responsibility, this raises the question who is going to step in and accept responsibility? Who is going to take on more than their fair share of accountability? Who is going to plug the culpability gap? The answer, of course, is you and this is a significant reason why you remain chained to us and naturally, we know this to be the case. This is one of the reasonas why we choose people like you.
As an empathic individual you have many traits which appeal to us. One of these traits is having a strong moral compass so that you “do the right thing” and you accept responsibility for your actions. That is attractive to us in itself. However, you go further than this. You are blessed or cursed, dependent on how you regard it, with the fact that you are over-responsible. Not only will you rightly accept blame when it is genuinely your fault but you will accept responsibility for us as well. This is extremely appealing. How does this over-responsibility come about?
On the one hand it is something which is intrinsic to you as a consequence of being an empathic person. You feel a deep responsibility for others and you do so because you wish to help. You do not believe that it is right to shirk responsibility or walk away when someone is in need. You widen your scope of responsibility by adopting the stance that as a decent human being you have a responsibility to aid others, assist them and help them. Added to that is the fact that we cause you to be responsible for us. We deny responsibility so you immediately feel a need to plug that gap – I return below to why you feel that need. Moreover, we make it your responsibility through our repeated projection and blame-shifting.
“It is always your fault.”
“You made me get angry, it is your fault.”
“Now look what you have made me do.”
“You should have known that was going to annoy me.”
This frequent projection and blame-shifting conditions you to accept responsibility for what we have done or not done. The more aware of our kind know that by reinforcing this double edged message – we are not responsible/ it is your fault – you will accept this to be the case. You are prone to repeated self-analysis and in order to find solutions, keep the peace and avoid those eggshells you will accept responsibility for us. An objective observer would find a certain action to be clearly our fault but you will take on the mantle of responsibility on our behalf.
“It’s my fault, I should have known.”
“He is tired, that is why he shouts at me, I should have let him rest.”
“I should have remembered that he doesn’t like fish.”
“It’s okay, I am used to it, I don’t mind because he can be wonderful to me you know.”
“It is just the way he is, I pick up the pieces, that is what I am here for.”
The repeated reinforcement that you are to blame coupled with your natural propensity for wanting to accept responsibility means that we know we can easily have you burdened with accountability and you will invariably accept it. This then paves the way for us to inflict other manipulations against you based on your acceptance of fault and guilt. You accept you are at fault so then we are entirely justified in shouting at you, cold-shouldering you, stopping you going out or having an affair. Having you as the one to blame suits our purposes to maintain our perceived superiority and provides us with justification for punishing you so that we receive further negative fuel.
This over-responsibility will extend into making excuses on our behalf when we have stormed out of a family occasion. It is our secretary ringing a client and apologising for us when we have been rude to somebody. It is a sibling who tries to play down our outrageous behaviour and finding something to explain it without pinning the blame where it ought to be pinned; on us. You accept that you are to blame and you become our spokesperson when dealing with other people as you are left to defend the indefensible. Not that you will get any thanks for any of this of course.
Why then do you feel such a need to be over-responsible for us? Where does this trait stem from? I have seen it within my own family with my sister. From an early age you have been subjected to such blaming behaviour when it was never actually your fault. This causes you to believe that there must be something wrong with you and that you are not good enough. In order to deal with this sense of inadequacy that was instilled in you most likely in your childhood you seek to over-compensate and decide that you will become good enough by being the receptacle for all blame, irrespective of real culpability. You have been convinced that you deserve this abuse, this blame and it is your duty to shoulder responsibility for what we do and what we do not do, in order to become worthwhile. It is easier to accept blame than fight against it because this is fulfilling the role that has been created for you. Always being to blame has caused you think that you deserve it and in order to do something about that state of affairs, you address it by accepting even more blame in order to reach an accord with what you regard your role to be.
We know that you need to feel responsible. It is a central plank of the empath’s constitution and we will exploit this by always blaming you, passing responsibility onto you and walking away from accountability. We will not laud you for such a selfless act of accepting responsibility but rather seize the opportunity to use it to justify our further foul treatment of you. You are at fault. You therefore deserve to be punished. You accept this and the repeated application of this only serves to reinforce and extend your sense of being responsible for us.
It is akin to being given six of the best with a cane at school for something you did not do and then asking,
“Please sir, can I have some more?”
14 thoughts on “Responsible”
How appropriate….- anyone remember this gem? LOL
I only take responsibility for letting someone treat me so terribly and for ever doubting my intuition.
My in-laws were staying with us one time years ago, and there was a misunderstanding about what we were doing for dinner. Apparently, my hub and his dad made plans but neglected to tell his mom and me. She and I were at the sink and my hub called and screamed at me. It was a simple misunderstanding (which happens anytime he doesn’t bother telling me shit). I was standing there at the sink in tears. His mom said, “Don’t worry. If he’s like his father, when something is your fault, it’s your fault. And if it’s his fault? It’s still your fault.”
I appreciated her support, but at the same time am pissed that she didn’t teach him to act better than this. He has stomped his feet and beat objects with his fists and stormed around since he was like 15 at least. And when he’s that way, she just ignored it I think, probably felt intimidated and didn’t want him attacking her. So now he’s learned that throwing a fit will get you to leave him alone or do what he wants. Just like a fucking toddler.
“…You feel a deep responsibility for others and you do so because you wish to help…”.
That’s absolitely right statement, although I would say the word “protect”, instead of “help”. And we all know, who needs help and protection. Not the strongest ones.
Anyway, the responsibility is a pretty wicked and, sometimes, a dangerous thing. It is a subtle instrument of CONTROL.
Delegating the responsibility to someone for something, you delegate a control to that person upon you. Someone responsible for your well-being? Someone responsible for your finances? Someone responsible for your meal and roof? Someone responsible for your happiness? You are trapped then. You are under control.
When the responsible person decides to withdraw his/her responsibility, you’ll be broken. That responsible person had spent all that time sharpening his/her skills finding the ways to provide all of this for you, learning, empowering him/herself, while you did nothing. Moreover, you did everything to weaken yourself more than you had been before.
I remember my first husband’s phone call in 2 weeks after I left him.
He yelled at me “Do you know what??? I have no clean clothes left! No clean shirts! No clean socks! Nothing!!! Moreover, I’ve been forced to eat the shitty food since you left me! My stomach aches! It is your fault!!!”.
I said “Yes, my dear man, you are absolutely right. It is my fault. I should have taught you how to do laundry and cook…”.
lol,.., I would have blamed his mom.. giggle
This rings true at my very core! And yet, makes me feel so very sad. I’m sure accepting all blame stems from becoming an empath just as shirking all responsibility is a Narcissist’s rightful entitlement. Thank you HG!
I don’t think this works with me. I told him “you always act like everything is my fault”. He laughed in this stupid way that told me that he was aware that I was right, and then he said in this voice of a little boy “yes yes, everything is always your fault”. He actually did that a lot, spoke in that little boy voice or hid behind a pillow or pulled his shirt over his head or said “shalala” when I was on to some of his idiocy. I’m not making this up, he did all those things. I’m aware how ridiculous it sounds.
Ha, ha! This brings back memories! My husband would do sarcastic taunting in a silly, childish voice (which I assumed was supposed to sound like me). And if I ever tried to answer him he would cover his ears with his hands and walk away going, “La, la, la, la, la.!” Lol!
Hahaha it makes me feel better to know he’s not the only one like that. They really don’t have much maturity, do they.
No they often don’t have much maturity. My exhusband was explaining to me just last week that if someone is an addict or alcoholic, their maturity level stops at the age they began their substance abuse. And that this explains the often juvenile behavior you see in adult drug/alcohol abusers. I think that this applies to narcs too, with their emotions. They continue to mature in many ways, but their emotions get stuck in childhood. Their logic may continue to develop, but their emotions atrophy.
I’ve just watch your YouTube on what does a narccisist feel.. so Good thankyou so much. Can I ask how does a narcissist feel about their children ? Xx
They are little mirrors, devices for triangulation, the garnering of fuel, the maintenance of the façade. In other words, yet more appliances there for the narcissist to exploit.
This explians a lot … along those lines why is it so important to get back into our good graces so quickly after being a narcissistic jerk ? Or how do you just compartmentalize a bad episode and tuck it away ?
Let’s say for instance you’ve been out to dinner and you “caught her” 😉 glancing at a much younger and handsome man. To which you whisper something disparaging about the style of her dress or her latest hair colour doesn’t suit her…etc.
The next morning you’re all butterflies and rainbows and she’s still pissed off because of what you said to ruin the evening.
Is it that you’ve had your go at her and you’re done with the whole thing now? Obviously you have no conscience but once you’ve “let someone have it ” does it “the fight ” just disappear off your radar ? Out of your mind completely?
I’ve had him call me whore and a bar fly and left me stranded in a restaurant …. only to wake up the next day as if nothing happened .
I’ve been reading your site and laughing my head off because everything you state is exactly who my narc ex is. Every single detail, he did. It’s quite something. I’m lucky that although I’m an empath I was able to suss him out quite quickly and dropped him at the first sign of devaluation and before he discarded me although he has tried to hoover several times. I have no emotional attachments to him as I tend to not love people who abuse me. Call it a healthy self esteem maybe. But I find his attempts quite laughable and pitiful. I can’t even bring myself to dislike him. I think he’s a great guy who had a very difficult childhood and has had to adapt to it by building up a false self. If it works for him, then good. It’s definitely worked for others in the past but for some reason hasn’t worked on me. Still it’s fascinating.