Try Walking In My Shoes

try-walking

I always wake before you. This allows me to slip into the en suite and lock the door and deal with the horror of confronting another day without you seeing me endure this daily ritual.  Already I can feel the hunger rising as I stare at my reflection. Is this what I have become? The bleary-eyed, stubbled, exhausted creature that gazes unwaveringly back at me. No, I do not recognise that thing. How old it looks. The lips are thin, the hair thinning and clumped. Its shoulders rounded and slumped in resignation. I feel refreshed from a solid night’s sleep yet whatever is looking back at me does not accord with that feeling. The fear crawls across my skin and I rub at myself trying to dislodge that cold grip but it never works. The inner dread rises as I contemplate another day at the grindstone trying to piece together what I am, that long arduous task which never gets easier. In point of fact, the task becomes more difficult with each passing month as my advancing age screams at me about my mortality. How that banshee tortures me as she howls in my ears about my waning powers. I feel the tears welling as every injustice I have ever suffered is heaped on my shoulders by an uncaring and oblivious world. Does it not see my pain or does it just not care?
My mobile phone is clutched in my hand. I rarely let it leave my side and I place it on the counter besides the sink and then grip the counter as I continue to look at my reflection. My knuckles whiten as I fight the urge to scream at how empty I feel, how bereft I am and how this is so damn unfair. I try to wrench my gaze away but I cannot. I am entranced by what I see. I do not recognise this person. Where has that shock of white come from in the hair above the left temple? That is not me. Its skin looks dry as if it has been subjected to the dehydrating suction of some foul shade that visited in the night. The horror continues to escalate and it is only the chime of my ‘phone which breaks this terrible appreciation of the thing in the mirror.

Grateful for this interruption I shift my eyes to the ‘phone and see that a message has arrived from one of my coterie of admirers, Samantha. The pilot light inside of me flares into life and there is the slightest surge as the fuel begins to flow. I should wait until I have showered but the hunger is too great already and it must be addressed. I open the text message and like a starving man being given his first meal after fasting I devour the words of admiration.

“Good morning handsome, I missed you last night, I will call you when you are at work xxx”

The flame increases in size and strength as I close the message and smile .I turn on the shower letting the stream of water heat up as I flick to the texts that Samantha sent last night whilst I sat on the settee preoccupied with my activity of flitting between her texts and a conversation I was engaging in with a new prospect on facebook. I re-read a handful of the texts from Samantha with their declarations of admiration for me and I feel my strength returning. I put the phone down and step into the shower and relish the hot embrace of the jets of water. The fear has shrunk away and the dread sensation has been pushed back down. I liberally apply the shower gel, enjoying the sophisticated scent as I use a different product on my face, scrubbing away the dead cells and then another to cleanse and wash. I turn the taps and the water stops. I reach for a thick towel and pat my face dry feeling rejuvenated. As I stood beneath the purifying water my keen mind raced whilst I formed my machinations for the day. Always plotting and always scheming. The prospective fuel that will be garnered from the new sources that I am pursuing coupled with the dose of triangulation I will involve you in is causing me to feel excited and powerful. I pick up a bath sheet and admire the toned nature of my body as I dry myself and embark on the next stage of my preparation for the day by shaving and brushing my teeth.

A little while later my phone has chimed again and this time it is a colleague wanting to arrange lunch as he wants my advice since I am an expert on a particular topic he has to present on. The flame inside rises higher now and this spurs on my delinquent mind to consider additional ways to garner that oh so precious fuel during the day. The hunt for fuel is unending. The craven hunger that rumbles inside of me cries out for it and it is my sole preoccupation. The beast inside must be fed. Yet, now I am feeling strong. I haven’t applied my after shave and already two admirers have seen fit to worship at my altar and the games have not even yet to be played. But they will. I reach for the fragrance and splash it into my cupped hands and apply it to my neck as I look to the mirror. The handsome me has returned. The piercing blue eyes shine, the tousled, shiny locks of hair await the application of some wax to style them, the unblemished skin and close shave accentuate my chiselled good looks. I flash that winning smile as another surge of power flows through me. God I look good.

I return to the bedroom, ‘phone in hand and find you have now risen and I can hear the sounds of movement in the kitchen downstairs as you prepare breakfast as you always do. You will shortly bring me a mug of fresh coffee but I think I will complain that it is not hot enough and criticise you, just to see if I can provoke a reaction from you. It should not be too hard, I know precisely what to say. I notice the bed has not been made and rather than attend to it and help you, when you pass me my coffee with a ‘Good morning’ and a smile, I will cock my head towards the dishevelled heap and tut. Ah, yes, the master of games knows his stuff. I dress as another text arrives from another friend who wants to organise a golf game and asks for help with his swing, praising my technique. He is after more than assistance with his golf since he wants me to place work with him. He will have to provide me with more fuel yet to even be considered and of course, I will send the work elsewhere since there is someone who will give me something I want in return in a sweeter form and in larger amounts than my golfing chum. Still, the disappointment on his face will no doubt provide me with a hit too.

I can hear you coming up the stairs and I decide I will take a look in the full length mirror since I am fully attired to admire how elegant I look. I dress in a manner which says to anyone who meets me that the first move is mine. I stand and give a contented nod at my statuesque reflection. I look fantastic. I start to smile and then a bolt of anguish shoots through me as the craven creature that first lurked in the bathroom mirror appears. It is only for the briefest of instances but it causes me to exhale. My expensively-dressed self returns and the relief washes over me in an amazing way. The creature has gone again. He does that though. He likes to make fleeting appearances throughout my day to remind me that I must keep finding fuel. My quest for the potent fuel must be at the forefront of my mind at all times. As if on cue, you enter the bedroom, a veritable reservoir of fuel. You greet me as I cock my head to the unmade bed and tut. I feel the rush of power as your smile evaporates and you look crestfallen. The games have begun and my day is off to a great start. I only hope that creature stays away from me.

96 thoughts on “Try Walking In My Shoes

  1. Medusa says:

    HG…I try to walk in your shoes to understand

  2. RunningAway says:

    Rule number one of Empath Club: Never trust anyone who habitually takes their phone with them to the bathroom in their own home.

    1. C★ says:

      RunningAway…. I always hated that he did that! I knew what was “up” but lie & deny, their motto…

  3. Cinderella says:

    Seriously? Always had my suspicions that’s what my ex thinks each day but this has confirmed to me that narcs have definitely got some mental health issues.

    When I see a shock of white in my hair, I think hmm, got to make that hairdressers appointment (yippee, free coffee and kid free time) and if I see bleary eyed, exhausted me in the mirror in the morning I think, hurrah, excuse for an extra cup of Americano for me today. I don’t think, woe me, dry skin and thin lips! Sod the fact that I can get moisturiser, lip gloss or botox, why bother with all that when I can mess and destroy innocent people’s lives instead.

    Having said that, piercing blue eyes, doomed if I ever met HG.

  4. ava101 says:

    HG, do you think that the Irish are less superficially polite than the British, esp. in a business context?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      One can only answer in a generalisation but yes.

      1. ava101 says:

        Ah, thank you, this gives hope.

      2. MLA - Clarece says:

        Watch it Mr. Tudor!

        1. HG Tudor says:

          No chance!

    2. Love says:

      Lol I think the Irish (the ones in Ireland) can drink anyone under the table! They party hard!

      1. ava101 says:

        Absolutely, Love, and no refusing a drink either! 😉 Never mind if you have to drive or anything. 🙂

      2. ava101 says:

        (Thought you had been to Scotland, not Ireland?)

        1. Love says:

          Yes. There were people from Ireland everywhere. And they partied! I stated (the ones in Ireland) because there are a lot of people of Irish heritage in the US. But I had never met such hardcore partiers as the native Irish.

      3. ava101 says:

        I will never forget my first Guinness with Black Current on the Irish Atlantic Coast in the arms of my Irish vacation flirt when I was 18. Taught me the Irish plural form for “you” and everything else one needs to know. Biggest mistake of my life to start my relationship with my first boyfriend back home right afterwards, instead of waiting for that incredible and sweet Irish boy. *sigh* 🙁

        Hm … no, they are not everywhere, I never meet any Irish people (when not in Ireland, of course). Would love to meet an Irish empath.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          It is my experience that there are more Irish away from Ireland saying how wonderful Ireland is, than live there.

          1. Yolo says:

            It’s my experience that it’s not only Irish that do that. ☺ I wonder if it’s so great why leave? This one guy said I was a doctor in my country well you are janitor here, no plastic surgery on me on the borders of Mexico.

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Agreed Yolo, naturally I mentioned it specific to the Irish as it is they and the country of Ireland that was being discussed. I have challenged numerous people on precisely what you have written “If it is so great, why leave?”

        2. Love says:

          I met many in Amsterdam! And actually a few in London. And surprisingly a couple in my own hometown. They were very nice and down to earth. But I could not party with them. Lol I would pass out after 2 drinks. They drink pints and pints and pints and pints.
          Your story is so romantic.

        3. Yolo says:

          Ava,

          There’s hope for meeting a Irish Empath. St. Patty’s day will be here before you know. Go to their nearest pub around 6 am. However, be careful and run if you hear “Kiss Me I’m Irish,” and he starts talking about how Irish he is and his plans to return soon and would love if you would join him. 😊😊 Of course not now silly, but his parents are aging and turning into leprechauns he must hurry to collect his pot of gold. 😂😂

          I know it sounds silly, but the lies they tell aren’t that far off from my statement.

          Beware, they are everywhere. The day is to celebrate a narc. Opps ,I hope I am not offending anyone. Read the history.

      4. ava101 says:

        More people away from Ireland, or only people away from home saying how great Ireland is?

        I’ve never heard an Irish person speak badly about their country, always very loyal to home.
        Seem to be very quick to leave for work in other countries though … lots of them in London for sure … just not here. 🙁

        I love Ireland, I love the mentality, and the country, the climate, the sheep, and I feel at home there.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Yes, Ireland is so wonderful so many move away!

          1. Love says:

            Lol I do agree with that. The ones I met talked about the beauty of their hometowns and country but also said there is no growth. People marry early and have children because there is not much to do.
            Most were working outside of Ireland because of more money and opportunities.

          2. Love says:

            Mr. Tudor:
            Mayweather or McGregor?

          3. HG Tudor says:

            McGregor has given it good banter not that this will count for anything in the ring. He is younger. Mayweather is undefeated and boxing is his sport, not McGregor’s. Mayweather win.

          4. Love says:

            😔 Very valid points. I’m rooting for the underdog. McGregor.

          5. Yolo says:

            I concur..

      5. ava101 says:

        I met one in Goa though … first normal person I met after 3 weeks of Indian abstinence …

      6. ava101 says:

        Because of the economy … And returning … Upside: Ireland is not so full.

        Ah, you’re jealous.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Believe me, I am not in the slightest.

      7. ava101 says:

        It was romantic, Love, and some of the most happy days of my life.
        He was soooo sweet … and we danced … and kissed … and he drove us around in his Renault 4 😉

        Heineken? In Amsterdam? You cannot hold any beer? 🙂
        Haha, great picture of you sitting there with some Irish guys drinking … And you only tried alcohol??

        Hm … maybe I should go to Amsterdam. … bit complicated though to build a relationship in a weekend. 😉

        1. Love says:

          Young love is so sweet ❤❤❤
          Yes, Irish guys drinking pints and pints and pints and pints. Me sipping on tonic water. 😂

      8. Narc affair says:

        My dads family is mostly from ireland and they are drinkers! I think we need us some irish rovers music 😂 ive never been to ireland but its on my bucket list!

        1. HG Tudor says:

          No Irish music, no nay never.

        2. Love says:

          Narc Affair. I tell ya, Irish Americans have nothing on holding their alcohol in comparison to native Irish.

      9. ava101 says:

        Oh, narc affair, you’re partly Irish!! You’re lucky.

        Go there! It’s beautiful!!

        1. HG Tudor says:

          But be pleased you can leave.

      10. ava101 says:

        I was very pleased when I could leave England! Every time.
        If I was living in London, I would fly out to Knock all the time.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          London is not England, it is but a part of it.

          1. Would love to visit England, Ireland, Scotland properly. Only had very short touristy glimpses of parts of Europe when I visited previously because it was for business (London, Frankfurt, Amsterdam). Been to Madiera, but I was only 12 at the time so a bit young to appreciate it…

          2. Madeira

      11. ava101 says:

        Yolo: it is a bit of a difference if you are Irish and go to work for career reasons in another EU country of the USA or if you are from a country with a MUCH lower living and educational standard and health system!!

        Irish people work often in other European countries because we can all work whereever we like in the EU! Many Irish people work in London as the flight is under 1 hour and cheap, and because they speak the same language of course. But the Irish economy had some severe trouble in the past years, even though many many European headquarters of international corporations are based there, such as Google Europe and many other tech companies.

        Ours (Germany) not as much, we would earn much less in most other EU countries, which is why most people are hesitant to leave their secure jobs. Only very young German people would go to London to work – for experience only, for a year or so! It’s a bad deal for us and not very pleasant!

        Same goes for me going to Ireland – will do that when I earn my money online only, as the jobs are not attractive to me while rent / living costs in Dublin (where the jobs are) are much higher than here!

        Ireland has one of the highest living standards and wage standards in Europe though, higher than the UK. Sorry, HG.

      12. ava101 says:

        The honest truth is, HG, that I like neither, London or England. I like Scotland and Wales. Even though England has some very interesting ancient places and London some interesting buildings with a long history. Well, you know that already.

      13. Narc affair says:

        Ive seen pics of ireland and its breathtaking. My dads parents were from dublin. He was an infant when he came over. Ive honestly never met an irish person i didnt like. Theyre fun hearted loyal people but they do love their alcohol and partying lol My favorite uncle looks like a chubby conan obrien the late night host. Hes also hilarious! Lol
        Another area id love to visit one day are the maritimes in Canada. I have a friend from cape breton, nova scotia and shes told me a lot about life there as a child and shared pics. Very scenic! Lots of great hiking.

      14. ava101 says:

        Strongerwendy:
        when you have visited Frankfurt then you have seen a very real, solid place in Europe. 🙂 But ok, I admit that I also prefer to look at the Scottish or Irish countryside. ; )

        HG:
        I personally know 4 British people who came here to work and have stayed for many many years – and 0 Irish. Why is that?

        There is quite a number of American people living here, too, but that is mainly because of the military.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          It hardly represents a statistically reliable number does it and therefore does not merit exploration.

  5. Patricia says:

    This is so terribly sad.

  6. Whatever says:

    Nice tatties, bitch ❌❌

    💅🏼🤗

  7. gabbanzobean says:

    You always say that the greater knows what he is. So I assume this applies to the greater. I’m very curious how a typical morning will go for a mid range, who does not know what he is? Do the same thoughts go through his head? But he doesn’t understand? What does he think how does he feel? Does he see the same creature?

  8. Jody Allen says:

    H.G.
    While reading your books are so informative. (which is why I have been MIA from here for a bit…and one other reason which I have been trying my best to process) I’m finding myself a bit confused as to which type of Narcissist my Beast is..
    It seems the further I explore, the more questions I have. He could fit almost any of these categories and sub categories at any time depending on the people he had surrounding him and the circumstances.
    I at first thought he was a Somatic LGN..how do I figure this out? I’m on system overload..

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Consult with me and I will be able to give you the detail.

      1. Jody Allen says:

        I know, H.G. I’ve been struggling a little bit but trying to gain knowledge.. I’ll put in my request for a consultation next week. I promise. 🙂 Thanks.

  9. Carla says:

    Not looking for absolution,
    Forgiveness for the things you do,
    But before we come to any conclusions….

  10. Brian says:

    Very interesting to see a glimpse into a different mentality.
    When I wake up i’m usually just like ‘wouldnt mind some coffee’
    ‘what should I do today’ and other mediocre thoughts.

  11. C★ says:

    TODAY, 7/22/17, Anniversary of 5 MONTHS N/C….Tonite, I celebrate 🍸🍷🍾🥃…. 🙏🏼 THANK YOU HG 🙏🏼….. and 1st toast is to YOU 🥂

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I shall have a Hendricks’ gin, Fevertree tonic, ice with a very slim piece of cucumber

      1. C★ says:

        anything for you & nothing but the best… “CHEERS”

      2. Sounds delicious! I’ll have one of those.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I am enjoying my second, most refreshing.

      3. foolme1time says:

        I’ll have a slice of lime with mine please instead of the cucumber! 🍸🍸😉

        1. C★ says:

          On the house, foolme1time! Cheers!

      4. Yolo says:

        I pity the fool that would put a chunk of cucumber in your drink. 😂😂Geesh, the mid was fastidious too. Once, a waiter screwed his order up after he was very specific with his request. He literally turned into an 8 year old boy. I had to speak with the waiter, he pushed the plate away and refused to talk. The waiter was very apologetic I felt so bad for him. This was our second or third date. Lol…Later, I asked why he went silent ” the waiter touched my shoulder, I don’t like strangers touching me”. WTF, I knew what he was all he did was confirm my suspicions. I had some knowledge but not to the extent I have now. Idiot..

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I can feel the fury rising just at the thought of some epsilon semi-moron plopping a chunk of cucumber amidst that effervescent sea of refreshment. The cucumber must be slender not only to please through looks but also so that its flavour complements the juniper,elderflower, orange and angelica root, not seek to overpower it. An oafish lump of cucumber would override the coriander, orris root and cubeb berry, rendering their involvement redundant. To see a log of green sloshing around in that wonderful concoction would be akin to drawing a moustache on the venus de milo or clapping between movements of Berlioz’s Symphonie Fantastique – a capital crime which requires immediate punishment.

          1. MLA - Clarece says:

            Huh? All that?
            #Narcproblems

          2. Damn it, you’re an exquisite writer HG. I’ll never think of cucumber slices the same way 🙂

          3. HG Tudor says:

            Thank you.

          4. You’re welcome.

      5. Matilda says:

        “I can feel the fury rising just at the thought of some epsilon semi-moron plopping a chunk of cucumber amidst that effervescent sea of refreshment…”

        That made me laugh! 😀

        You’d get furious over something so trivial? Live and let live, HG!!

        I have a Swiss Army knife in my bag at all times… you never know when you might need one… I’d disinfect my hands and the blade, fish the offending junk of cucumber out of your drink, slice it thinly to Monsieur HG’s delight, and drop it into your delicate drink. There you go, sorted for ya! 😀

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I like you Matilda, you get me, you’re the only one.

      6. Matilda says:

        *chunk

      7. Lou says:

        Oh yes, premature clapping is unforgivable. Plebs 😂

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Take them out the back and shoot them.

      8. Matilda says:

        “I like you Matilda, you get me, you’re the only one.”

        Yeah, yeah, sure, HG! I suggest you save your smooth-talking for those who actually fall for it! 😀

      9. ava101 says:

        I think the last time I got drunk (10 yrs ago) was on Cucumber Vodka.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Sounds like you need to get drunk again.

      10. ava101 says:

        Lol why? I don’t need alcohol to be that way. 😉
        But I mostly just get very tired when drinking anything.

      11. Love says:

        Mr. Tudor, that was a beautifully written cocktail recipe. Why do you get mad at us when we share recipes? Should we also write them in a poetic prose?
        Rose Ice Cream
        In a bowl of purest white, mix the most refined sugar with the heaviest of cream and eggs to bind. Stir this concoction to a crescendo until a silky sea forms with an ivory foam around its shore. Let the heavens’ fragrant clouds rain rose water onto it, blessing it in perfection.

    2. C★ says:

      anyone want to join us? Will be @ “The Aviary”, on W. Fulton Market…

      1. abrokenwing says:

        C☆,
        I would love to but google map says you are 3931 miles away☹️.
        Drinking Pink G&T right now ( just a regular, not a sophisticated one ) and sending best wishes your way ! Cheers!😄

        1. C★ says:

          🥂 CHEERS & thanks Abrokenwing… one day at a time!

      2. Matilda says:

        I congratulate you to 5 months No Contact!! Stay strong and vigilant! Ha ha, social gatherings are not my thing, I will join you in spirit 😉 … and it’s iced tea for me, black, with a teaspoon of sugar and a slice of lemon. Cheers! 🙂

        1. C★ says:

          Lol… Matilda, you can get that here too, if you don’t mind it being DEconstructed! CHEERS!

      3. MLA - Clarece says:

        You are celebrating right, in Chicago!!

        1. C★ says:

          You know it, MLA!

      4. Fool me 1 time says:

        Thank you C! Cheers to you!!🍸

      5. Matilda says:

        “Lol… Matilda, you can get that here too, if you don’t mind it being DEconstructed! CHEERS!”

        Deconstructed – sounds intriguing 😀 … hope you had a great night, and a manageable morning-after headache 😉 … onwards and upwards, C! 😀

    3. Me says:

      Wow!!! Congrats!!! I’m on day 13 soon (😂k) … but was close to write a message today! But thanks to writing down answers I received from HG and revisit them over and over again … it does work!!
      Please tell us more what you have done to accomplish this??!
      Envious but sooo looking forward to the day I can write the same thing!! … or not since I have stopped counting …
      BIG HUG

      1. C★ says:

        Hi Me…. I am a lil bit impaired right now, lol…. so without going into detail, I recommend doing what you are doing…. stay focused and stay here with HG…. one moment, one day at a time. This blog is here 24/7. HG is the best mentor you will find when you are ready to understand and seize the power!

    4. Narc affair says:

      Congrats c☆!! Heres to many more months no contact and a happy future ahead!

      1. C★ says:

        Thx, Narc Affair!….. It’s a daily battle, as we all know…and I am winning the war this time ⚔️

      2. C★ says:

        🥂 CHEERS & thank you, Narc Affair!

    5. Mary says:

      Congrats, C★!!!
      Sorry this is a few days late, but CHEERS!

      I’m at work, trying to be productive (really) but instead giggling at my desk while reading all of the follow up comments to your post. LOL

      1. C★ says:

        haha Mary… it is quite entertaining, I agree! Thx for the acknowledgement of my 5mo N/C… it is constant discipline , some days easier…. comes in waves, just like the tide of the sea… have a great week!

  12. Somebody's Falling says:

    Your writing is exquisite and heartbreaking.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you.

  13. I like this one. Can’t wait until your new books come out. I can relate to feeling horror in the mirror in the morning… ;). Luckily for you men (at least handsome men) seem to get even better with age.

  14. lolalestrange says:

    I’m sorry he haunts you…

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