Poll – How Were You Seduced?
How were you seduced by the narcissist (or narcissists if more than one)? Most people will identify with this in the context of the romantic dynamic, but it also applicable to the social or work dynamics also.
What was it about the narcissist in particular which resulted in your seduction? What formed part of the love-bombing? Did you fall for those radiant good looks, perhaps their sheer charisma blew you away or their largesse through gift-giving and taking you to wonderful places drew you in? Was this how they secured your friendship, achieved your loyalty through work or caused you to fall in love with the narcissist? The focus is on what it was about the narcissist as opposed to your inherent susceptibility.
Of course if you had more than narcissist ensnare you, it may have been different hooks which you drew you in or different hooks with the same narcissist, either way you can choose up to five different options if that is the case (you need to choose them all at the same time when completing the poll by the way).
Feel free to expand in the comments on what those heart hooks were and how they impacted on you. Perhaps you were surprised to find that his mind drew you in or you were stunned to find it was their apparent kindness that secured your love.
I look forward to your answers and thank you for participating.
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I’ve ticked Shared Interests but we met during a political campaign when he knocked on my door. He is extremely intelligent with a great political brain, a characteristic that I hugely admire in men. During the campaign he came across as driven, focused, grounded and utterly trustworthy. Once the campaign ended, he was like a rudderless ship; all over the place, restless and aggressive. In short, it was like he’d had a personality transplant – I didn’t recognise the man I met in the political sphere.
He seemed so sweet, said the right things. He opened up about his childhood right away and I felt the need to take him under my wing and love him. I saw myself in him.
I think it was that it felt as if he was like me. He was also self employed and was not afraid of taking risks. But I erred. Other things of which I thought we have in common … I can´t judge that any more because I know in between that he simply says of what he thinks it makes you like him most in a certain conversation or moment (you can influence totally his answers through asking a question in a certain way – as if you speak with yourself).
He is not like me, but like my mom. Oh, how they hate each other 🙂
Brilliant and entertaining. He made me laugh when I thought i will never smile again.
There should be one for persistence.
I could easily have ticked most of the boxes.
Yes!!! That’s true.
Yes, absolutely.
I was also mostly talked into starting an official relationship with him so soon. Persistance, indeed, … also persisting on my talking to him for the (felt) 100th time that day on skype, late at night, to talk me into it. And that had a lot to do with mirroring and with ideas he put into my head which I liked. With the illusion.
But I had spent a platonic weekend with him before that, and I just would have waited longer to become serious.
The brilliant mind category is you and yours alone.
True.
I approached him based only on his good looks and buff body. I wasn’t looking for a relationship. Once we had sex, I was a goner. He was funny, kind, sweet and had a lot of interesting experiences and stories.
I checked off “brilliant mind” first followed by magnetism/charm and common interests (although the common interests may have been a big fat lie…LOL). Mine is a mid-range cerebral. So yeah that mind. I was physically attracted to him as well but he was definitely no Hottie McHotHot….lol. Actually a few friends saw his picture and immediately said “are you sure he is not gay?” LOL. Now that I think back to the sex (it was not mind blowing but it was also not awful either) he was into lots of stuff that made me wonder if he did have a hidden “gay” side. I will never really know.
Hmmmm, soooo for the purposes of my education on my damn patterns, I listed these out and some are short term (one was 10 months and one was 3 dates). The others were years.
1st one: He was the life of the party and the sex off the charts. Dumb as a box of rocks. Lesser. 5 years.
2nd one: He wooed me for a LONG time. Lots of trips, gifts, flowers, and such. He also was fun and smart. Sex was good as well, i taught him a lot that i learned from the first one. He was not a classic narc though. I htink a hybrid with UMR ways. 8 years.
3rd one (short term): spiritual charisma (faked) and then the challenge of his bad attitude. We locked horns a lot. (that kept me hooked a little) Sex sucked….10 months.
4th one (I think this one is a psycho path and had 3 dates): It was that damn charisma and charm, humor and looks. He was smart but insane. He offered gifts, I refused. I still think about him from time to time. Damn him! Never let him have sex with me. I would have been hooked.
5th one (recent one): He was self effacing and smart as a whip. He was good looking, though not outstanding. Sex was so-so. So, his humor and smarts with adequate looks. Eventually I felt bad for him and wanted to heal him. UMR. 2 years.
I have only been with two people that were not on the NPD spectrum. One for 6 years and one for 3 months.
I am a frequent flier. I need a punch card.
Indy
Indy,
You have a very innocent looking face!
You are totally what I expected.
You’re very peeerrrrtyyy :)….
Hi Doc!
Haha, yes, I get that all the time. That misconception of my innocence. I now am embracing it as my secret weapon. When I was a teen, my boyfriend would always pinch my cheeks and called me chipmunk cheeks.
Thank you for the compliment 🙂
I’m just a cluster B magnet.
Relationship wise it has been narcissists, psychopaths, and someone with borderline – traits
Yeah, I can relate to that.
Me too. :-/
My 16 year narc met me at a bar. He was a truck driver. I should have listened to myself cause the first thing I told him was trust was an issue. My dad was a truck driver, con artist, womanizer. Married many times and conned women out of money without blinking an eye.
So he did his best to win my trust. Future faked me for 16 years how he would marry me.
He would get violent at times. Cheated. Took all the inheritance and bought a farm. Put just his name on the deed. In the end took everything he ever bought me.
He got my trust then shattered it. He was also sexually sick. I wouldn’t do it.
The second was just plain evil. We met on dating site. I sent him a sexually attractive pic but I wasn’t super sexual. He just thought I was. A year later he asked why I sent that pic and not one just sitting on a fence post. I guess he thought he needed to don the mask of a sexual stud. He was thrown off track. He became very mean and insult I’ve.
Mine too!
I was desperate.
In fact, I was talked into it more or less.
I was a stupid girl. I thought this was what love was, what I deserved because I was raised by NM. I was her scapegoat. I was to blame for every problem in life and responsible for it’s resolution. So it made sense that I assumed that position in my more intimate relationships. I was bred, born and brought up for this “Bad Romance.” I love his cockiness and his arrogant manner. He was bold and outspoken where I was meek and timid. His wit was sharp. His comebacks were quick and sliced like razors. I envied his ability to take down a d dismantle those that provoked or attempted to abuse him. It was easy to follow him down the rabbit hole of darkness…
My wires crossed. I was bored. I needed an infatuation. He was weird. I wanted to figure it out. I guess I figured it out lol.
Dr. H…i think a lot of us like to figure these types out. I can see that in my situation as well. Its like a mystery or puzzle and is a challenge to understand.
My first narc was an old friend and basically I was dying to get out of that relationship and find something to become infatuated with and poof narc #2.
I saw him at work and became fixated. He was off and weird and I said either his a psychopath or I’m supposed to marry him.
I guess I got my answer but he was narcissist lol.
All because I was bored and needed something to feel alive.
Yeah that was a mistake … clearly.
The things I’ve gotten myself into because I needed to feel something ….
Boy can I relate to that!!!
Dr. H…”bored and needed something to feel alive” …that sums it up in my situation. I keep asking myself whats wrong with me why cant i just be happy with life but as the yrs pass im learning that something very crucial is missing within myself. I think too these narcs are so dramatic and exciting it helps mask areas in life we dont want to deal with. My narcs masked a lot in my life. Its been easier to avoid dealing with issues having him around.
Narc Affair and Dr. HQ… Just sitting here, nodding at everything y’all are saying about infatuation and the high from narcs. That’s exactly what happens with me. I am either infatuated to the point of obsession and misery, or not that interested. There is not much middle ground. And I didn’t feel able to cope with many issues in my marriage, and the narc experience provided such a high that it was a welcome escape. The high felt worth the terrible lows… until the lows got worse and worse, and the highs were elusive. That’s when it wasn’t worth it anymore.
Violet,
I came from a home that was full of love.
I was never myself with any of my infatuations. I didn’t feel like I could relax enough.
I have had infatuations with guys since …well…as far back as I can even remember. I would say my first infatuation started when I was in first grade.
I sometimes had a crush but usually it was a full blown infatuation that consumed my life.
You’re right…at least I’m not being abused.
Amen to that Dr. Q
“The things I’ve gotten myself into because I needed to feel something”
Narc Affair,
That was very insightful. I figured out years ago that I used to use infatuation as an escape. I also felt as though I needed it because it ultimately woke up my insides. It made everything feel more meaningful and just got me high.
As we know insane highs and terrible lows come with infatuation. Infatuation and I have a love/hate relationship. My infatuations consume me.
I haven’t felt infatuation in years. These days I feel nothing. No one even catches my attention.
It’s weird I miss it (being infatuated with someone) – I want it but then I don’t because I know what happens to me.
I’m bored and calm at the moment but that will change pretty soon into bored and restless and wanting to feel that… high of infatuation.
Dr Quinzel, I am similar. Only few others than narcissists in my life have been the subject of such intense infatuation but I do admit I exaggerated it with them out of boredom. Boredom was the cause of most of my major life mistakes. I’m looking forward to finding infatuation with an empathic guy!! I guess the nice thing about being bored, is that you’re not being abused, right?
Also, did you come from a home that was oppressive or withdrew love?
I find infatuation or longing can be a trigger for an ideal love wanted from family… for me that I felt I had to keep jumping for but never got.
Getting a hit of it as an adult is like nectar or cocaine. Approval, admiration, company, being needed. Hence a strong infatuation or sexual attraction. You finally get to play the role you always wanted to play, feel more “you”. But unfortunately con artists know exactly how to drug us with it.
Once when I took a walk with my ex, we would have passed nearly 30 people who all looked at him as if he was God, he had some special connection to their souls. I realised, my goodness, that’s how cheap our relationship is. Totally meaningless.
OMG, that sounds exactly how I feel! Everything. . . all of it!
Dr. H…thats exactly how i felt just before i met the narc bored and restless and it is a high that they give to us. Its interesting you use the word infatuation bc thats what the narcissist feels is love. It is infatuation that is the exciting part and thats why it always fails for the narcissist bc infatuation has a shelf date it spoils. Then its back to getting that high again. The same can be said for empaths. We can suffer from similiar needs. Such a high takes over and distracts the mind which helps when you want to avoid something.
I guess I’m going to be bored until I find someone that catches my attention and causes some serious infatuation.
He is a stayer. He called, and called, and called…
He is a stayer in everything he sets his mind to, and since I can relate to that he mirrored me correctly.
When we met for the first time just the two of us, he seemed different from the guy I used to talk to on the phone. I guess it was audition time (I should have left).
During our meal he said: “I have always liked everything about you”. (I should have left).
Talking about his ex-wife he said:”….after 12 years of marriage I feel I still own her….” (I should have left).
Talking about a friend of his he said: “…yes he is nice, but I will probably get bored with him too…” (I should have left).
One day I will have to forgive my self for beeing fooled by an Upper Lesser for over 5 years.
He actually called yesterday, and for the first time I didn’t pick up or called back:)
So thank you Mr Tudor for lending me your eyes, so that I now better understand the hard, cold logic in the perspectives of your kind.
And I want to thank all the readers as well. I learn a lot from your comments and shared stories.
Forever greatful🙏🏻
/the norwegian girl
HG, I forgot #6. Custom tailored compliments. My therapist said he was smooth. He came in thru the side door. Thank you.
Couldn’t tell ya. I don’t have an answer for this one.
Ive read thru the list of choices again and thrilling and dangerous stood out to me. My narc is not dangerous in the physical sense but he has become this way thru trauma bonding. You become hooked on the chemical changes in the brain from the highs and lows. Its ironic bc ive craved the unpredictability of the relationship which is so sick! I really dont but my mind thinks so and has become an addict to those surges. I think this element of “danger” is another form of drug abuse. Ive never touched drugs aside from the occasional drink but the reaction i feel from anticipating when the other shoe will drop feels like a chemical induced addiction. Its very dysfunctional. That is why going back to a healthy normal relationship feels painfully boring but its the withdrawals of the addiction that lie to us.
This one I had to think about
His mind…. I could add many others from your list. That was at the top.
He was also the only one to be able to intertwine himself upon not only my heart, but my mind.
I have moments where some memories make me angry, yet we lived in that moment. I loved him for who he was, not what I wanted him to be.
I could have checked multiple boxes. I met him after a tragic breakup. He showered me with expensive gifts and so much care. He asked me to marry him within a few months. I felt that I have finally met my prince charming.
My narc was of the lesser kind, to use HG’s terminology. He was the consummate victim — he seduced by turning on his superficial charm and witty sense of humor before asking me to help him in his search for full-time employment, since we both worked in the same field. Once he landed a job (with my help, of course) he proceeded to devalue and discard me. His main M.O. in finding victims is “woe is me.”
Narc 1: We had a shared interest in the arts. He was fascinated by my work and wanted to engage in all of it. Very long extensive email correspondence till lies and secrecy began creeping in. Pulling away and then zero interest in my work for 4+ yrs afterwards. Became a totally diff person. (Mid Range narc/sociopath) Used mind flattery to seduce.
Narc 2: Charming somatic, good looking, highly sexual (no actual encounters though). Bragged about achievements that did not exist, claimed to make a lot of $ when really he was a truck driver with a history of criminal offenses, a divorce, sex offense, kids out of wedlock. (Not sure which school of narc he belongs to, but definitely a sociopath) Used sexual flattery to seduce.
Extremely handsome and fit, very clever and observant, supremely confident and cocky, very opinionated, quick learner, amazing sex, younger than I, love bombed to the extreme, way up on that pedestal. Then …Shelved. Don’t think he knows what he is, so I think UMR.
1. Faked spirituality.
2. Faked loyalty.
3. Faked vulnerability.
4. Great body.
5. Sexy, intense eyes.
Thank you HG! I am learning a lot from these poll. I feel so much more empowered now!!!
There was never any seduction, love bombing or the sex thing that is talked about so much regarding narcissists, in fact I never slept with him for the first 3 months of getting to know him. I wasn’t that interested . However we were childhood sweethearts when we were very young although it was very innocent.
When we met again for the first time in our 40’s , 2 and half years ago and we were both single , it felt meant to be and there was an attraction. The way that I was misled by this is first I did not know anything about npd and secondly his victim personality . I believed his story of all he’s ever wanted was to settle down but he’s been treated badly by exes and is now terrified of relationships and scared of getting hurt so all his nonsense was a form of commitment phobia. I was also introduced to his family immediately and all his friends who confirmed he had been single for 3 years and was afraid of getting hurt but really wanted to settle down. Also I didn’t know about hoovering so believed him every time he would try to get me back when he said He had Now realised what I meant to him. I got sucked back time and time again. I only learned of narcissists about a year ago and it takes time to understand it and for it to sink in, I also kept thinking Well maybe he’s not one !! So in a nut shell because of our childhood history and his acting skills as a victim and gaining sympathy .
Thanks for sharing, I feel for everyone here and the slow recovery.
How dangerous our world is!! How silly we are to need cliches of love stories to feel acceptable!
How much society has let us down through lack of education.
I’ve noticed quite a few of my comments being held up for moderation purposes, H.G.
Have I been bad or polarizing in some way?
No.
No
Mine are always held up as well for moderation… after being here around a month :/
Everybody’s posts are held up in moderation. The period of time varies for reasons already explained.
I ticked only one box…..a brilliant mind. That is not to say that he did not possess many of the other traits in excess, but without the intelligence/brilliant mind the relationship would not have progressed for me. He was well read, had travelled extensively, read every word in The Times every day and was able to absorb it all like a sponge. His story telling was enthralling…….I never wanted them to end. He seemed to be able to talk to anyone about any bizarre or random topic they could throw at him. It is no exaggeration to state that I learned something new every day. The good thing is, the chances of me meeting someone like this again are slim to none. Maybe I am wrong, but I suspect mid range narcs and lessers would not be able to seduce me at all……intelligence/brilliant mind (at that level) is difficult and maybe impossible to fake……and as far as I know, it would only be a greater narc that would have that level of intelligence and knowledge and according to HG, greater narcs are like “hens teeth!!!!!”
Could be a UMR
Maybe he was an UMR…..I really don’t know….I am only just realising he was a narc in the first place……he would not have liked that title UMR though……he had to be the best and made sure every one within 10 miles knew it. The only time I ever remember him remotely letting his guard down…… and I only remembered it when I read that scrapyard article……..he once said that he got where he did in his career because he made sure that he surrounded himself with brilliance. I took it to mean that he used people that were more intelligent than he was and that enabled him to obtain the top position in a multinational corporation. I never saw hot or cold fury either…….well maybe I did for about 3 seconds……and then it disappeared so quickly that I often wondered if I had imagined it….. it was always so fleeting that it seemed pointless to make an issue of it.
I’ve had 3, and each became a husband… each one of a different school & cadre. I needed more to ☑ off, but tried to narrow it down…. One thing they ALL had in common was Charisma/Magnetism
Ugh…3 is the Magic Number for some reason, and like you, I’ve just progressed to bigger and better abuse and lies, although I was only dumb enough to marry one of them (marriage has never appealed to me, even as child I viewed it as ownership and servitude..much like all my long term relationships were although the escaping part is less messy)…Sorry we have that in common, too bad it wasn’t that we picked all the right love interests. Love & Hugs
Narcisst Nr. 1 (victim) hugged me after our first date and whispered in a very sweet (that is what I thought at that time *lol*) and sensitive (*lol*) way:”I think I fell in love with you!” He trembled inside (I swear to God) when he said that and then said good bye at my front door with a longing look in his eyes. It was a perfect presentation. I thought:”I can`t let him down now” and thought it was a very special and sweet behaviour.
Narcisst Nr. 2 (upper lesser I think) treated me like a confidant/intimate right from the start and told me all kind of things that nobody would tell you at that early stage of a relationship. And he didn’t`t let go when I reacted to it. I felt flattered that he had chosen me as a confidant. Because he treated me like an intimate I became it. And that very quickly.
I have felt the tremble too! One of them even fell over trying to pose when I walked in the room!!
HG is this just pathetic fear?
We mistake it for love!!!
Another great poll! This is a question im still trying to sort out fully. The obvious answer is great sex but when i look closer it isnt the sex alone its much deeper.
Initially it was attraction of body and mind. I liked how he seemed sweet and we had similiar interests. Its funny looking back bc i thought he was shy but hes anything but. He just prefers to work one on one covertly. Once we expressed our attraction and bonded over conversations it became very quickly mind blowing sexual. The sex is incredible and exciting. The most important part of it is he tries and takes an interest in sex. He enjoys giving pleasure as much as recieving and its not just vanilla sex he likes to have fun and try new things. He gives a damn or fake damn and thats been the seduction. In my marriage my hubbys been great except sexually we were never a match and i expressed many times we needed to work on this area but he never tried or seemed to care. I now know he is very different sexually bordering on asexual. Hes a wonderful man but he didnt try hard enough to work on areas of our marriage. The narc does try and makes changes altho short lived in some ways. The sex was a huge part in the seduction but moreover he tries and he gives a damn. Even if its fake it hooked me in and continues to do so.
He listens to me and we share a lot of common interests. Hes become my confidant which is a big mistake. This is an area i want to work on severing slowly. I need other people to be friends with. This has isolated me greatly. His ability to listen and place importance on my life and my interests has been another huge seduction and continues to be. Women love attention and im one of those. He knows this and ive seen him do this with others.
As far as looks hes attractive but not as good looking as my hubby not even close yet im very much attracted to him due to the seductions.
After the seduction as an empath we fall in love regardless of flaws or shortcomings. Ive seen a lot of ugliness in him yet i still see him and that good person. Not every narc has this but he does and i do see it. Regardless abuse should never be tolerated. Understanding the seductions i think is key to detaching by working in fulfilling these needs in other ways aside from the narc.
I’d known said ex narc for a long time we had always been friends but social media brought us together briefly at the start of the year. I saw the red flags gave the benefit of the doubt nothing changed so to secure my self preservation I left without a Trace. She later blocked me on social media when needed I can shut off and shut down to a large degree I absolutely adored her for years she knew this abused it. The thing I want to know HG if you would be so kind is. Her immediate close female relative is still on my social media she has had communication with me through social media and is nice and polite with me still but has never asked any questions of me about what happened. Now apart from the obvious which could be to stalk my social media why else would she be there and speak with me like nothing’s happened ?
Hmm… It is hard to answer.
You have to “see” the WHOLE person.
It has to be a “yes” on all levels at the same time:
– Your internal world (plus intuition) says “yes”.
– Your intellect says “yes”.
– Your body says “yes”.
You have the “general knowledge” that this is “your man”. You feel some sort of harmony and serenity with him. If he feels the same, it is wonderful. Bon voyage, then.
I agree. Its an oceanic feeling-very pleasant.
Better then love.
He was kind to me. He was a liar, liar face! And I fell for it hook, line, and sinker. What a gullible dupe I was.
You’re not alone-we all do.
Join the club. . . oh wait. . . you have because you’re here! 😉
He was exciting. We were 2 crazies that could’ve taken over the world, if he wasn’t such a loser underneath it all like all narcs are.
I didn’t vote because my answer wasn’t listed. Whole Package (I would check all listed except #8) No kidding. This man was everything I could have ever hoped for or dreamed of.
Perhaps the fact we’d been together 30 years prior (Yes, teenage love and everyone’s Romantic notion of Serendipity) that gave him an edge. Maybe it was recovering from a decade long relationship with a cheating abusive Lesser, and then another 10 years wasted in a loveless, abusive, controlling marriage with a MidRanger..
Perfect Man, Perfect timing, Perfect Storm..I should have known. It’s always too good to be true.
Dear HG
My phone let me vote only once but I have at least 3 Narcs in my life:
1. Lesser Victim
2. MR Somatic
3. Greater Elite
More and more dengerous…
1.My sister
2.My husband first time we saw each other :”I know you are my future wife and a mother of my children”
What category should it be?
3.My little dirty secret 😉
After staring at me so special way
And after two years of showing me an affection
What category is it?
Everything I liked, he liked…
Only a narc could come up with these categories. None that come to my mind are listed. And he did not seduce me in the first place, nor did the others.
Really? Only a narc could come up with these categories? Is that why so many people have selected those categories. Come on.
You are right: I am wondering about the responses as always and have my own thoughts on that and learned something about empaths. Which I cannot state here as I don’t want to kindle a new discussion that is …weird. But it IS written out of your perspective, thought what else of course. However, I didn’t find a box to tick.
Indeed and the lack of a box for your situation is valid from your perspective Ava101.
Thank you, I find your perspective valid, too.
It is right that it was mostly fake what had attracted me to him, but not completely, … but his facade was there for all of us, not me personally and he did not come on to me. His looks didn’t hurt either, but I am not attracted to looks alone, they were just a bonus.
I’ve ticked “sensational sex” now for my lower life narc-like ex-lover. Though he also didn’t really seduce me … awwww just with sweet words and hearts via text messages. But I had to make him stop talking about his excitement about that he had just found out that I had some experience in something he was interested in (no, nothing sexual), to find out about his uhm seductive qualities that made me meet him again. And again. And …
😉
Lol
Ava101
Mine didn’t seduce me either. I chose them or they were family. No romance, no lovebombing, no real lies about themselves (at least non that weren’t obvious). Only one midranger friend tried that when he found out I was single and he was pathetic at it.
I think maybe it’s because I have always instinctively avoided any man who acted at all romantic because I equated romance with untrustworthiness.
Windstorm: yes, you get me. 🙂
Well there was a little romance – on both sides. But nothing that would have made me suspect anything, indeed, just a few gestures.
Yes, there was faking and mutual(!) sharing of most precious e-books (but not only with me, also with my best friend) when I just met him, but I made the first move (ah how I’ve regretted that), twice actually; he then after a few weeks suggested attending a seminar together.
But he didn’t fake anything about that, and that was not what had drawn me to him. And just as you I indeed went through my check list first, that was what sparked my interest, and him ticking the boxes was not faked; I had also asked other people about him first, who had known him for five years or so.
Nor did we become a couple because we met at an event with “shared interest”, that made me trust him faster, yes, but that was me, I trusted everyone there, incl. true empaths … but of course I chose the one true psychopath present.
And no, it wasn’t his “kind nature” either, HG, *lol*, in fact he was comparatively unsocial and offputting to my friend, who also told me how egotistical his mails were. I was blind to that, that was me, again.
A brilliant mind, this is what always seduces me.
A brilliant mind is so lonely when it not shared!
Had two, first i believe was a greater, 18yrs. He incredibly charming, smart, smart, smart, met at work, initially turned him down. Continued to throw it on thick. One time he went as far as to cook Chinese for me, surprized me by laying it out at work on a picnic table, table cloth, wine glasses and all. That’s BEFORE we actually went out. He told me everything i wanted to hear. People did try to warn me…….. Second, oh boy, way diffrent monster, i just lost my ex of 7yrs, saw him through a horrible illness. Even though he knew, i told him little detail. He was understanding, he kept me busy by teaching me new things that i found fascinating, felt protected maybe? Charming, but more in a, I’m powerful. He also needed me, you know, help me i hurt my knee, appealed to my fix it side. Have to say, the two are night and day as far as tactics. Rather have a lower approach me, i can spot them now easy. The greater, wow, tricky bastard. Sly, smart, charming, great lier. Good chess player i guess you could say. 20 verses 1 yr. Think i need to wear hats or something. So afraid I’m gonna get zoomed in on again.
As intense as my meeting with JN was, I had no attachment to him at that point. So although good looks, charm, magnetism and the sexual chemistry were incredibly strong, the biggest hook for me was his consistency for about the first five months of hearing from him daily or at least several times per week depending on schedules. But the texting would be steady throughout the day. He, admittedly, pursued me hard. I’ve also mentioned that two things happened for me involving him around the 4-month mark, that created a form of trauma bonding for me. I truly expected him to disappear at that point. When he didn’t, that is when I really allowed myself to get attached to the affection I felt for him.
So consistency with a daily presence in my life that completely enveloped, with love bombing thru texting, attention and trysts did it for me over time. Had he disappeared as I thought he would after 5-6 months I would have been fine and able to shake off the disappointment of things not working out.
Hi Clarece,
My Narc used to text me everyday many times as the time went and when he found a better source, he started to pull. Hot and Cold. It messed me up. I felt tired of being put in that situation and his obvious lies over and over when unnecessary. It was very disappointing that immature assholes like him exist…
Yes Ex-M, the hot and cold, fire and ice, Mr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde persona. Each time he would go icy, it would cause a fight and over time I would deliberately get nastier with him to purposefully push him away and sure enough, a few weeks to a month or so, he would always reappear. Then that’s what would mess with my head thinking surely anyone who put up with some of the insults I threw at him, must care about me, being reinforced by my close friends and therapist at the time. The majority of this year, when I have heard from him, I don’t fight with him. I let it hang. And that has started the true waning of us not being in contact much anymore. It’s way more peaceful for me too.
My narc was a covert narcissist. He’s not hot. He is short. He’s a bit too old for me. Nothing really special. But he found that I’m an empath and was a bit insecure…
@exmistress
i have a covert narc friend and he’s the same as you described; short, hairy, nothing to write home about. his current primary source has 4 kids, she’s very trailer-trashy if you know what i mean. anywho, he knows i study psychology and asked what she is. i told him ‘codependent for sure’..and then boom..less than a year later, they’re engaged to married. i’m not sure if he’s “future faking” or if he will actually go forward with the motion and put a ring on it. she’s totally reliant on him in every possible way. i’m intrigued to find out what he has planned for her. time will tell on that. sometimes i ponder on if I should warn her on what hes really doing to her but i think of all the lessons she could learn from the experience and opt to remain out of the drama. for now, anyway. i am on standby however in case he gets outta line. I’ll have to put him back in his place now, wont i.
be the vigilante. i’m good in that role.
I don’t think your CN likes kids though but he found something useful in this redneck woman.
My CN was a serial seducer. I found this later. When I found out that I was being triangulated and he’s using another girl to fill in his void, I felt sorry for her and wanted to warm her but I didn’t, he made me not to. So I just tried to ignore and acted I was cool with that. He was OK to pay for lunch first when he had an interest in me, then we went dutch. When the devaluation came in, he didn’t want to see me or do anything other than to use me as a booty call when he wanted. HG call my type a Dirty Empath though.
I know how picky he is regardless of his status and he has a very fixed idea of what type of woman (higher status than him) he wants as IPPS so I’m not sure the girl he’s seeing now falls into that category and I’m not sure if this girl can put up with him when his mask comes off. It was so draining and it was tiring to respond to his complaints! Now I’m on NC for almost 4 months. If he gets bored with the current date, I’m not sure if he’ll come back but I intend to ignore. Most likely he’s forgotten about me by now as I’m on the shelf but that’s my guess. I’ve been educating myself and if he came back, I’ll have a stronger boundary. I feel sorry for what and who he is but he has no insight… I hope oneday he’ll find it.
With a Greater, it is the overall performance and experience of the Golden Period. They will asign you a role, and suck you into a lifestyle that is too good to be true. But if I were to just choose one, the BRILLIANT MIND is the most seductive of the Greater. They wake up early, they go to bed late, they have the most outstanding drive, but I admire their calculated executions in every aspect of their life.
Me, too A.
I’ve never had a greater. Mine was cheap to the core!😜
Greaters become cheap. Financial abuse is very common with Greaters. Money is apart of their game.
I didn’t know that. Once, when I came back from my lawyer to have my will made up I told him I didn’t realize that I had as much money as I do and he blew up and said “I DON’T CARE HOW MUCH MONEY YOU HAVE!” That was the only time I ever heard him yell. I’ll bet he yells at his wife and kids all the time. He always told SHE is the one who yells. Sure. LOL
Boy are you hooked!
He came to deliver medical equipment where I work and when he opened his mouth to speak, a British accent came out. I love that accent. He had a great smile and blue eyes and he was flirting with me. The next couple of times that he came in he mentioned that he had just painted his living room and I said I had just moved into a house and I wanted to paint some rooms as well as every room was beige and it needed some color. He offered to do it for me so I gave him my card with my address on it. When he came over we talked for a couple of hours and before he left he kissed me. As they say, that was that. Best kisser ever. . . I was hooked.
Stick with beige RS!
Lol! He never did paint anything. (Typical) I ended up hiring a professional painter. 😉
Hey! Just thinking. What about supreme confidence? That’s a big attraction for many narcs. Could fall under intelligence or charisma, but I think it should have its own category. Uber confidence is a narc hallmark and can be very attractive.
That comes under charisma and magnetism WS2.
Windstorm, you have such a beautiful aura. I sense the patience and love. And your little grandbaby is soooooooo cute! Ahhhhh I’m melting!!! ❤❤❤
I agree, Love.
Windstorm, you just glow with your grand baby.
I am loving the pictures everyone is putting up. I am now debating it. Was there a discussion I missed about putting our pics up. It is so nice to see folks. Even HG has a pic up, though is that really you behind that sexy woman? And, most importantly, is it Kim?
See, there goes my jealousy again, rising to the surface. Damn thing is out of control!
Oh Love! You just made me giggle. Maybe it’s the standard picture that comes in the frame, of WordPress LOL
Yes, let’s say that’s the case 😁
Indy
Thanks!
Somebody did suggest how nice it would be to have a face with our names. I was really hesitant too what with everybody’s pics looking so glamorous. But I finally decided I’m like Popeye (you young people can google) – “I yam what I yam” and proud of it! It is nice to have a face with familiar names.
How do I see this hidden pic of HG?
Hi Windstorm,
You’re beautiful! Your vibe is too!
Click your mouse over his icon, the pic pops up. Yeah, HG, I’m peeping in the windows lol
Hmmm, well maybe I’ll pop mine up too.
Indy
😊
No mouse. Just a phone. I’ve tapped on the icon but just goes to a big G.
When you go to the narcsite on google chrome, tap the icon with your finger. It pops up as him hidden behind a sexy curly haired brunette woman, only can see his hands. It might not be an actual photo of him, but who knows? HG hasn’t said, keeping an air of mystery 😄I’ve decided I would post a pic too.
I was going to post a picture but it is $4 a month. Am I in the right spot? It asks many questions to post one.
No RS, it is free to post your pic. It might be easier if you do it on your desktop rather than phone.
Btw, thank you for sharing your story. I look forward to the other 2.
I was doing it on my desktop but all I see are ways to start a blog and different ways to make them. The other two were more like flings and not full blown affairs. 😉
Thanks Indy. I don’t have google chrome. May download it. Glad you mentioned your pic. I’m so unobservant I hadn’t even looked up there! Dang! You look beautiful too! Everybody’s pics look so good!
Aww thanks. I thank my mom and dad for my innocent look, I have no part in it.
This blog is full of beauties, inside and out.
You are beautiful Windstorm, inside and out. And I got the Popeye reference 😁
☺️
Yes Indy! There was a convo between Sues423, NarcAngel, RS and myself (I think that is everyone) about feeling comfortable enough here to post a picture from four days ago on Love is a Taught Construct if you want to go back and read. Since Clarece is not my real name, I feel safe doing it after being on here so long, but I completely understand those who absolutely have to adhere to being anonymous.
Thanks, Love! Hope that’s true. I try to give off positive energy whenever I can.
It definitely is being Seen and felt! ❤
Capacity to love trumps all, I think.
Not when the dirty work needs doing.
Hahaha! I’m not trying to be rude, but that was hilarious! Naughty boy!
Have quite a few familial, a couple shared interests, a couple felt sorry fors, a couple high intelligence., almost picked entertained and amused. That’s certainly a part of several. Charisma and magnetism was a part of some, but they were also familial.
Ones that were nonexistent for me – fantastic sex (that ones laughable! Still not sure I admit such a thing even exists). Looks were never important to me. Never been showered with gifts 😄. Kind nature (that one was a joke, right?).
Many treated me well or helped me,but that’s not what attracted me to them.
Job status and danger/thrills mean nothing to me.
To sum up: intelligence and sense of humor are most important and attractive for me, because they are real and enduring. Anything else is just suspect to me. I would view it skeptically as possible manipulation.
Thank you for another poll. Always enjoyable!
Intelligence and sense of humour and capacity to love, I think.
I’m interested as to how anyone copes with the grief. After these attractions in the beginning, then finding out the person doesn’t exist. How do you class them then?
I grew so much in myself in his presence just because he encouraged me to do the crazy things I wanted. The high of that freedom to express myself coupled with the terror of abuse, then the shock of finding out he’s not real. It’s too much for me (not to mention family and friends). I feel if I expressed it all properly I wouldn’t get up.
I admire the narcissist’s social network. I don’t have one after him. I’ve found when I’ve tried to start again, I’ve met mainly narcissists even though it has been two years. I’m not sure if this is bad luck or spiritual signs I need to do more work!!
I feel given I grew up attached to psychopaths, I’m missing the coping or social skills and realise now I never expressed myself properly other than being narcissistic supply. Any advice on this is most welcome.
Violet
I’ll try. I’ve had a lot of the same problems. I’d say it’s spiritual signs to work on yourself. Narcs are attracted to us because we are good, caring people. But when we grew up with narcs and narc abuse, we have been taught and conditioned to look to others for our definitions of who we are.
Instead we have to learn to look deep inside ourselves to see our strength and character. A good counselor can help. I believe the best help is determination, a useful occupation and any spiritual/self-help practices that make you look deep within and actually get to know the person you really are (and have always been). Best of luck and hugs! ❤️
Thanks! It’s hard because the psychopath is one step ahead of your self expression and emotions, intimidates you to share only with them, knows you better than you do. I don’t feel safe yet but will keep working on it. It was like narcopath mother “owns” all that is good and happy, that is the fucked up result of emotional abuse.
I find an affirmation that is freeing for all victims could be “I didn’t need to be there. I don’t need to participate. I am free to be in the world in any way I want.”
Super and yes its a quest for meaning and love and it can be lots of fun and very rewarding and its a lot better than being kicked in the teeth every time you assert yourself.
Hi Violet! Being wracked with grief can be debilitating and have a tremendous affect on your quality of life. I felt very fragmented a couple of years ago in coping with all of this.
What helped me was isolating my different relationships and trying to build up my self confidence through those. For example, my daughter was aged 8-10 when a lot of this was going on. We are very close and do everything together. She was my anchor and I definitely did not want to let her down in any way. So I could always fall back on at the end of the day, Clarece the Mom did good. I am close with my parents and see them all the time so I had the feeling Clarece the Daughter is doing good and right by them. And so on with my other close support people. Clarece the Best Friend did this right and helped her friend with something. Clarece the employee did this project well and saved the company some money.
In feeling like I was succeeding in maintaining those relationships and feeling valued by those people, I allowed myself the freedom to feel like the truly hot mess I was for as long as I needed as Clarece the Intimate Partner. It will eventually help you see yourself with qualities that are worthy of not letting someone else ever come along and treat you like dirt.
Thank you!! That is very helpful. I think finding value in what you have, easing the pressure.
You are Wonder Woman Clarece! So much more to you than that N relationship. Who is he anyway? Nobody cares. Look at all you are. It is easy as an outsider to see your value and what a thief and liar he must have been.
Your daughter will always be proud of you for showing her how to protect your value.
Hi Violet! I’m so glad you liked this. Just try to counter any negative thoughts about yourself with regard to your Narc relationship, with something positive that happened with somebody else as in Violet the Sister, Friend, Co-worker, Daughter etc. Then chalk up the rest to just being a work in process which can give a blanket coverage for a lot. Lol It’s training yourself to do a form of soothing self talk.
I did play those roles but only with narcissists. Unfortunately I haven’t had anyone else in my life who isn’t disordered, despite every single workplace, hobby, school group. It might not sound believable, but mark my words it has happened. I must be the only one in this position by the sounds of things, and I’m nearly 32. If I read it, I would think “surely there has been SOMEBODY you’ve known who isn’t disordered. Every single damn one is a narcissist or a sociopath. Maybe my city of birth is a colony of them. I’m yet to know what being in a bond is like with a non-narcissist.
That’s okay Violet. Rather than roles with people, pick tasks or activities. and be kind to yourself about those things. In your last evaluation, what do they say your strengths are for example, then remember that. If you bake or cook, count that. Even if you’re the best grilled cheese maker you know. If you garden, be kind to yourself for growing vegetables or pretty flowers and not accidentally killing them… lol
Just find things to counter the negative thoughts about how they make you feel.
Everything he mirrored to you in the illusion, which you fell in love with, which you loved about him – that was YOU. All the wonderful things are YOUR qualities, your skills, your emotions, your personality, your beauty, your ability to feel and love.
You can learn new skills, it takes time. You will also learn to recognize other kinds of people. It helped me to do some introspection, all the stuff about empaths, because it helps with changing the patterns that attract the narcs to us.
Meditation also helped me, my raja yoga teacher. And to change memories with NLP techniques.
freedom of expression and choice is a human right. Narcissists don’t care about rights other than their own, which override all other’s rights. If you think you can tolerate pathological narcissistic behaviour .you’ll need firm boundaries, a solid sense of self (identity)and the ability to leave without fear, guilt or remorse. otherwise you’re unwittingly a source of secondary narcissistic supply-the point is, you will lose the narcissist if you don’t weigh in with ample supplies of sufficient secondary supply-that’s the name of the game.
Well I see now that what passed as love was us discussing the best way to solve life problems. They think offering you expertise on how to win is a grand offering of love. When you never see normal, you’ve nothing to compare it to in order to comprehend the scale of abuse and what you missed out on.
I’ve lived a life of, happy narc = happy me because that’s what was forced on me.
Hello HG!
I had to think what was the initial reason I was drawn to my ex. It was the deaths in her family, her all day fake suicide attempt, and the way her exes and family treated her. I really thought I could help her.
Then came in order:
Charm
Shared interests
Entertainment
Excitement
Kind nature
Gifts
Sex
When the sex happened after a year I was in deep and she had me addicted to everything.
Hi Snow! I have a question for you and it’s a tad off subject here but I thought of it with some of our other recent conversations. You had mentioned there was a big age gap between you and your Narc (17 years approximately if I recall correctly). Did you find that during the time spent with her and then when trying to recover from the relationship and also deal head-on with the issues in your marriage, did you feel like you were somehow in limbo between age generations?
I can explain further. When I first started therapy over JN, before finding HG, one of the things my therapist observed about me is she said she felt I had an identity crisis in a way. I no longer felt comfortable in social settings with my own peer group. I obviously don’t fit in with in the millennial crowd however in getting seduced by one, it was like I regressed to feeling that young again. I was racked with grief over the ending of my marriage and eventually having to give up and downsize out of my house I loved with my daughter. Basically being stripped of all the “adult” things I achieved. The last time I had been single was when I met my husband in college circa ’90. I once heard that after a breakup, your mind resorts back to what it knew the last time you were single as a point of reference for navigating.
It felt like a strange limbo of not knowing who I would fit with for a relationship. Middle aged people (my peers) felt old and reminded me of biological clock rapidly winding down. JN was like my Fountain of Youth fix and manipulated me by encouraging baby talk. That was way more exciting then talking about stock investments with some of my daughter’s friend’s parents.
I’m just curious if that played into your dynamics and if it was something you’ve discussed with your therapist? When you decided to make things work with your husband were you confronted with feeling like “Ok, back to this and dealing with our issues that remind me of where my timeline for life really is and my own mortality.”
Hello Clarece!!!
Your memory is great!!! 17 yrs is correct. Lol
I really never felt the age difference. Of course everyone else was horrified that I was running around with her. I was just having fun.
I was thinking about everything that you wrote when I was out last night. I went out to a bar for the first time in 17 months with a different age group this time. This group was mostly older than me and I don’t think there was a difference. It’s the excitement and attitude that I am attracted to and want to be around. My husband has never been the one to want to go out and “live it up”. Lol… I was observing everyone though and thinking to myself what is appropriate behavior for each age group. The woman I was with is in her 50’s and definitely has a fun spirit just like a 26 yr old. I am a little confused as I am supposed to act when I’m out. I did have a good time and felt comfortable around the crowd. The first in a long time and this was the bar that I went to with my ex. More progress HG!!!
I don’t worry about my mortality but I do worry with my marriage that I can’t fully be me. If I can figure that one out. Lol
I don’t want to be bored the rest of my life but when I was I was at least safe.
I understand the identity crisis that you talk about. I still suffer from that.
Many hugs Clarece!!!!!❤️❤️❤️❤️
Will you have an age preference when you start dating?
Clarece and Snow, age is but a number. I think you both are lovely individuals. Please do not allow society to rule your happiness and fun. It is your life. You have every right to enjoy it as you please. I wish you both kind loving people (no matter their age) that will bring out the bubbly lively ladies you truly are! ❤💚💜💙🎉🎊
Love,
Hear, hear!! I second that! May all of us find and enjoy the company of those who bring out the best in us! 👏👏👏
❤❤ sorry about your rough day Windstorm. Sending you pink bubbles of love ❤❤
Love
Thank you. Right back at you! ❤️❤️❤️
Windstorm2 and Love! Pink bubbles and kind wishes to wind down this Friday. Thank you both! Full of warm and fuzzies now.
Pink champagne?
Is there any other kind???
Are you offering?
Awww Love!!!!
You are equally beautiful and lovely inside and out. I always admire your free spirit.
I don’t think age will ever bother me. I think my downfall was not knowing what a boundary was.
❤️🍎❤️
Ah those darn boundaries. I have a very hard time with them as well. ❤
Ha, ha! Me too, Love! I remember when some counselor was trying to explain to me what boundaries are and I thought they sounded horrible. It took me a long time to admit having them could be a good thing! I still believe the world be a better place if we didn’t have to have any boundaries. Unfortunately that is not feasible. Even normals will take advantage – not to mention all the narcs! It would be wonderful if it were possible to have one person you could have no boundaries with and not be abused. Maybe that’s what’s behind the idea of a soulmate.
Ha Ha Ha also Windstorm2 and LOVE
I remember being in my first few sessions when that word was brought up. I started learning about boundaries here but I still was a little unsure of them.
She wanted my to really think about a list and come up with a few. I didn’t know what to put because I didn’t grasp the whole concept yet. I laughed and told my daughter 1. I won’t let anyone kiss me. LOL
But the boundaries were still in discussion this week and I’m making another list of what makes me uncomfortable in social situations. I have had several people at the gym and at PT play with my hair and have had to ask my daughter if that appropriate. She yelled at me!!! LOL
HG, do you wink at people and I want to know if someone uses your name in a cute or slang way without asking is that a concern?
I don’t believe in soul mates anymore since learning that narcs use that expression to hook us. I can tell my daughter anything though, and she can tell me anything. We have always been that way. My mother was the same way with me. My daughter is my best friend and the only one I will ever trust.
Hi RS!
I feel the same way about my daughter and hope it progresses the same way with your daughter when she’s an adult and we remain that close. Where I get conflicted and frustrated, is if we are capable of cultivating a normal, healthy relationship with our children that is loving, honest and has trust, and if the Laws of Attraction are that you bring into your life what you put out, why the hell am I attracting the most harmful type of person into my life?
I do believe in soul mates still by several couples I know who do weather life and marriage but have a healthy, loving relationship.
I am sure you will still have a strong relationship when she’s older. I am in the same boat with you in that I seem to attract the worst of the worst.😜
I was also thinking that the only people I know that I would consider soulmates are elderly people. I think people used to stay together longer and didn’t give up so quickly as we do now. It’s sad to say. I also believe in the law of attraction… Maybe that’s why I keep attracting narcs? I keep thinking about them all the time? Reading posts about them etc. They say “what you think about you bring about”, maybe it’s our own fault? Nah! I was attracting them long before I knew what they were!😄
A very similar conversation was unfolding with another Dance Mom that I am friends with on FB. She is divorced, 50 and tries to date still and has been met with a lot of disappointment but she seems to have her boundaries and hasn’t gotten ensnared with anyone to the point of meltdown. Some were saying that the dating apps have ruined it by making everything so one-dimensional. You’re swiping for a sex partner like you’re ordering off of a sushi menu. No one wants to invest in intimacy or have any depth. That is saved for family and friends and then you just select people you want to f*ck. I just can’t participate in that.
Me either, that’s why I don’t get on them anymore!
Clarece
We are definitely capable of cultivating loving, trusting relationships with our children. The downside that I have found though (since my children are all grown with families of their own) is that I realize I grew too dépendant on my children to be my closest friends -particularly my daughter.
The problem with that is when they are grown, marry and have their own children, then I can at best have a secondary place in this new life they have created for themselves. I know this is natural and that it’s best for them, but it just reinforces that I have no one who cares for me most. Your child can not be your soulmate without warping and limiting their own happiness. It’s just not the way life was meant to be.
I believe in the laws of attraction, but that’s not the term I use. It’s not people though that we attract, its energy, emotions. If we give out love and acceptance, then love and acceptance will be returned to us. If we give out positive energy, then positive energy will be returned to us.
This doesn’t mean, however, that negative things won’t still happen, predators are a part of life. Being used by others to fulfill their needs is part of life also. But I’ve found over the years that if I consistently keep giving out love and acceptance to everyone with no strings attached, that overwhelmingly that’s what I get returned to me.
“if I consistently keep giving out love and acceptance to everyone with no strings attached, overwhelmingly that’s what I get returned to me.”
Powerful words Windstorm. This is a motto I would like to live by. ❤
I agree. I thoroughly advise you to let your daughters go. They are not there to be a best friend. You have to stop being addicted to pain and be big enough to say you don’t have to live it. It will make your daughter resent you if you share too much. She may be supporting you out if guilt. She shouldn’t be a “rock”. You should be her rock. Too many people think love is bonding over pain.
Love is allowing yourself to see it’s not necessary.
Don’t be a burden on your daughters.
Trust me, being in that role ruined my life. I didn’t need another set of weights to carry.
It is not a given in life we will be so loved by someone they will die for us, revolve everything around us. As HG says, that’s from the movies.
Stand on your own feet – we all must, in order to be individuals who are responsible adults. Your children are not your crux.
Hi Violet,
With all due respect, that is not the dynamic I have or strive for with my daughter. I celebrate her growing independence, as a middle schooler. I celebrate her inquisitive spirit, her creativity (a part of our home is devoted to her arts and crafting), her empathy towards her classmates and friends. She has a voice and as one of her teachers told me in conference last semester, she has a “comfort and confidence in her own skin he has rarely seen in kids especially coming onto the awkward, puberty years”.
Please do not insinuate again that I am somehow emotionally abusing my daughter during my own healing process. Every parent has their flaws as do I.
You have never seen us in action. Therefore your points are valid to be aware of what could happen, but I assure you it’s not here.
That was no attack but the boundaries in general to be respected with daughters. I have concerns, largely because trauma in kids from exposure to overly adult experiences often doesn’t show. My teacher used to say the same things about me. I was also a high achiever with a calm temperament and had a lot of wisdom, maturity and friends. It wasn’t until 26 years of age I truly felt the anger I had suppressed, along with several other girls I knew.
Children should be children. Parents can share that they are having a difficult time but never go into details of the intimate relationships. I think it’s important children are taught values but left to be themselves.
They are not objects we own. Their traits are not ours. They are theirs. Parents support them, and on the child’s terms. The parent shouldn’t take credit for or be in control of the child’s traits.
They only have a small and crucial window to learn to fly in their own.
I want to be clear that below 18 trauma can be hidden, and children will not necessarily show it if they are under duress from seeing too much dysfunction or control. They are desperate to enjoy life and be healthy. But they cannot necessarily stand up for themselves if the patent is treating them as an emotional support or as an extension of themselves.
Thank you Windstorm 2! All very insightful and true.
Windstorm, you speak from my heart! Let’s break all these boundaries down. Let’s all run and dance together free ❤💚💜💙💛
Ah….if only we lived in a world where those wretched boundaries weren’t necessary for our safety….
Yes very true. If only… ❤
Hi Windstorm2,
Perhaps I missed the message or misinterpreted, I actually love that I can now set boundaries. The beauty of saying no, of having personal time without having to justify it, of not having people cross the boundary of telling you what you experience or feel. I actually love that I have learned firm boundaries now. It took a long time to get this skill and realize it is a way to show self-love and self-respect too.
Boundaries have saved me from burn out at work too.
Hey Indy,
Like your new gravatar. Looks like it could be on the hat for your own personal baseball team!
I agree with what you say about boundaries. What I was lamenting was the necessity of needing to have boundaries to protect ourselves and form that sanctuary you described.
What I wished was that it was not necessary, that we could all be totally open and accepting of one another without a need to protect and defend. That we didn’t have to build any walls between ourselves and others. You know, one of those mythical utopias like you might find on some foreign planet in a Star Trek episode – or those glittery empaths that got wiped out in the beginning of Valerian! I wasnt talking about something that is actually attainable here in earth.
There is a Sufi analogy that God is like an ocean and we are all like little drops of spray thrown up into the air at the shore. We seem to be all separate and different living our own existences, while we’re really all just part of the same ocean. I think I’m tired of being a separate drop of spray and long for gravity to pull me back into the ocean where these artificial boundaries no longer exist (or you know, what normal people call crazy! 😜)
Hi WS-2,
I have a very similar believe spiritually, that we are all connected energetically, in a web of energy. I love the Sufi analogy you use!
Though, I do like being a drop too, because it is hard to be an introverted ocean (no wacky brownies here, trust me lol).
I understand what you are saying and it is unfortunate that we still have to live in a world of self defense and prepared to be hurt. And, in a world of dichotomies as well (Good-Bad, Black-White, pain-comfort, victim-predator).
However, this is where you get the beautiful contrasts of shadow and light, how sun glistens on glass in blacks and whites. We get the cold winters where we insulate and cycle back to spring and hot summer.
How would we know and appreciate all that is beautiful and miraculous without the ugly and the common. How do we know comfort without pain? Separateness (loneliness sometimes) from enmeshment (suffocation).
Balance, it is so hard…from utopia to hell and back. The narcissistic cycle.
(If you are crazy, we are the same kind of crazy 😉
Looking for holo-deck 7.
Indy
Indy
“Kindred spirits” like in Anne of Green Gables.
Good thing I don’t have access to a holo-deck. I’d probably never come out!!
Windstorm, I think I’m in love with you! You just talked about Sufism ❤❤❤
Love
I am very interested in all types of mystic religions, especially Sufism. I find much peace and solace in mystic trances including those from the dervish. It’s like a oneness with the universe. Do you enjoy reading Rumi? I have translation I love, I think by Coleman Barks. I find Rumi very profound.
My father used to tell me the same analogy. I’m a bucket of tears now! ❤
Hi Indy!!!
That is a goal of mine and I hope to do as well as you have one day. I have a long way to go.
You should be very proud of that.
I can’t believe that it took me til I was 45 to realize what one was. I must have missed that instinct or something. Lol… my daughter knows exactly what they are and what red flags are.
Being hyper-aware of age differences of who I was socializing with was more prevalent when I was actually seeing JN and in much more contact. Now that I haven’t physically seen him in 2 years and most of this year has been NC with the exception of a few weeks here and there, I feel back to normal with my peers. It used to make me feel like I had one foot in the Twilight Zone. lol
No more dating millennials for me. Don’t need the heartbreak. No sign yet of me wanting to start dating.
Hugs back!!!
Pink champagne – Is it happy hour? I am working from home today and it’s late afternoon – so sounds good 🙂
Blessed be the booze!
Cheers!!!
🍷
Do my early memories trigger your own HG, of choosing the disorder? Is it a case that narcissists chose their path, believing it was the ticket out? Or do you believe narcissism chose you without your control?
Narcissism chose me, I chose a particular way of enhancing my effectiveness.
I just finished watching “GiGi”. Not a good choice. I don’t like that it remind me of the narc, but it also reminds me of my mother who I saw this with for the very first time when I was very young. She is dead and I miss her very much. What a fucking Friday night!😩
RS, I think you need to treat yourself to some fun online shopping today and splurge on something!!
That is a very good idea! I’m also having lunch with a high school friend of mine that I haven’t seen in a couple of years. Later today, my daughter is coming over for dinner, drinks and a movie. She almost always come over on Saturday night. . . my favorite day of the week! 😉
Have a great weekend!
HG
How did you get your gravatar under “Liked”?
This narc flirted but never made the first move other than that. He was indifferent seeming and flirted with many (which I found out later). I expressed my crush and then he came on strong, talking about sex and sizing me up. Could he still be a narc? All other evidence points to it.
Yeah, I just don’t recall feeling that he had a “kind nature”. The charm and charisma coupled with a few other things trumped the kind nature.