Watching You Crumble

WATCHING YOU CRUMBLE1

We don’t provide support. We are too concerned with ourselves and our daily hunt for the fuel that we need to be concerned about you. We are engrossed in our own world and have no interest in yours. The only time we pay attention to you is when you are providing us with fuel or you stop providing us with fuel. Everything we do is focussed around us. This is because we have to obtain fuel, as without we will disintegrate. The hunger for this fuel is never ending and accordingly all of our energy must be applied towards obtaining it. This leaves us with nothing left over for anyone else.

Being a caregiver yourself, you would like to think that the person who you share your life with, or who you work closely with, would be amenable to providing you with support. That may mean giving you emotional support when you are experiencing a difficult time or taking the strain allowing you to lessen the burden on yourself. You give and you are happy to do so, therefore why should they not do so as well? That is the outlook of someone normal operating by the norms and rules of your world. Those do not apply to us. We cannot provide you with support since we have nothing available to do so.

Added to that we do not know how to provide emotional support. Yes we can see how chores can be done and the like. We also have observed the ways that you provide emotional support to other people and we know the phrases that are used, the expressions that are formed on people’s faces and the gestures that are made. We have seen all that and we could trot all that out. In fact we have done in the past. We did this when we were seducing you. When we wanted you to divulge about your weaknesses and vulnerabilities this will have invariably saddened you and upset you. It may even have caused an episode where you need emotional support. We were happy to go through the motions then because we were at the stage of investing in your in order to get our fuel. We were content to make the right noises, give you a hug and make the panacea that is the cup of tea. All of this was learned from others. We did not feel anything for you. We could not put ourselves in your shoes (heaven forbid that would ever happen) and we could not empathise with what you were experiencing and nor can we ever do that. Yet again, we conned you into thinking that we are a caring and selfless person. We demonstrated such an approach when we were first together and that attracted you to us. This raised expectations that you could rely on us and turn to us when the need arose. It is all false.

Furthermore, when you need support and expect it from us, you are showing to us how you are weak. We despise weakness. You will find that our kind is rarely found near children, the infirm and ill and the elderly. This is because they are all weak and want support regularly. We do not want to be reminded of that fact. We cannot be bothered with you cluttering up our route to fuel. An exhibition of weakness infuriates us. A normal person would see someone in a position of weakness and deign to help and assist. We have seen how this is a natural reaction in normal people. It will not happen with us.

If you are fortunate, we will absent ourselves from the situation in an instant. We will generate some urgent reason; find a pressing engagement we had forgotten about in order to ensure we can get away from you and your ailment, woe or injury. You probably will never see us move as quick when it comes to getting away from somebody who needs help. If we are unable to exit the situation then we may just stand and look at you. You could be reaching out to us, eyes filled with tears of pain, asking for help and we will just give you a blank stare. We know we ought to be helping you, convention and observation has told us this, but we cannot do so. We are unable to leave but we are also unable to help you. This requires compassion and we do not have any. It requires us to us our energies to help you out and we are forbidden from doing so.

Our ultimate reaction where you need support from us is to go on the offensive. The uncomfortable feeling that you have generated inside of us makes us feel less powerful and smacks of inferiority. We know of only one way to banish such a sensation. We need to reassert our power and that means we must lash out at you. It becomes necessary to subject you to further insults and denigrating comments, at a time when you are feeling hurt and vulnerable.

“What are you crying for? I have had worse happen to me.”

“I am sick and tired of you being pathetic. Deal with it.”

“I bet (insert name of triangulated individual) would not make such a song and dance about it like you do.”

“It’s only a dog, you can get another one. Seriously, what a display over a dumb animal.”

“You are hysterical, you need to get help.”

“Stop crying or I will give you something to cry about.”

“That’s right; make it about you on my special day.”

We will lash out at you with these words in order to make you feel worse and ourselves feel better because that is all we care about. We fooled you into thinking that we care about you. That is a fallacy. Do not expect us to support you.

Demonstrating our legendary hypocrisy we will expect you to always be there for us. When we have a need you must attend to it straight away, even if you are experiencing difficulties yourself. When we have a scratch we expect you to make it better even though you might be bleeding to death before us. As with so much of our behaviour we do not regard the way we act towards you as meaning you should behave the same way towards us. If you chopped us in half you would most likely find this stencilled through us like lettering on a stick of rock

“Do as I say, not do as I do.”

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39 thoughts on “Watching You Crumble”

      1. The empath or codepemdent makes me think of the dog. No matter how badly treated always forgives its master. Is controlled by the master… waits for food from the master, wait for when the master says it can come in etc. Sometimes get a hiding from the master… and then just a tummy rub and everything is ok. Or rather this is how the narc like its empath/supply submissive snd dont talk back

      2. I do agree with that perspective as well, KT…. and like a loyal dog, no matter how many times we are beaten down, we still loyally return….

      3. And the narc is with you for food and …. Tough decision between the two. ;D

  1. Fucking truth. That’s how I’m on the verge of bankruptcy with $140 to my name for the rest of the month, with bills to still come out, yet I’m the greedy bitch because I asked him to make good on the help that he promised to me. Which he promised with full hearted sincerity and loving eyes, and made me feel like he cared.

  2. I felll down half a flight of stairs once and my ex yelled out from the kitchen, “JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!?!”
    I was crying but then I started laughing cause it was quite comical. Did he come and help me up? Not right away, he took his sweet ass time.

    1. OMG… I laughed out loud… good that you have such a great sense of humor, K…. I can so visualize & hear what you wrote…

      1. C*
        I was laughing hysterically on the floor and crying tears of pain at the same time and when I think about it today I still laugh! Thought fuel.

    2. K,
      What an ass! They just don’t know how to show concern unless they are in seduction mode or trying to do damage control.

      Several years ago, due to my own carelessness, I tripped outside one night and fractured my knee. It was unlike anything I’d felt, so I was sure it wasn’t just a bruise, plus I couldn’t walk on it. So he hears me scream when I fall, runs outside and I look up from the sidewalk and say “I think I broke my leg.” He said, “What did you do THAT for?” Seriously. I should’ve looked at him and said “Oh, I did it cause it sounded fun, wearing a splint and being on crutches for a couple of months, you fucking asshole!” Fuck head. Sorry this just angers me.

      1. Mary
        A kindred spirit. I love ALL strong feelings! You are absolutely right; they cannot show concern unless they are in the seduction mode or trying to undo damage. Your husband was cruel and it was heartbreaking to read your comment. They say the stupidest/meanest things at the worst possible times and destroy your spirit and break your heart. You deserved better. I wish I could have been there for you. Don’t apologize for your feelings, your words, or the syntax in your comments. I understood you completely and, please, share all your feelings here with me, and everyone else on this blog. We have all been through hell.

  3. HG Tudor, if ya know your gonna hurt people in this manner, can ya ever get your head around, maybe you should just remove yourself before ya do? I know ya can’t change, but collect fuel for your ego without human’s being plummeted with that kind of harm? I can say, it’s horrible. Compare it to losing a competition to someone you hate. Probably not, but your kinds wake is literally killing people.

    1. I understand your perspective Anne. The fact is that my needs come above everybody else’s and as I have no sense of remorse or guilt, the fact someone else suffers so I do not/so I gain, means I will do whatever is required. What I have been looking at however is seeing if there is a similar outcome that can be achieved without resorting to the destructive responses every time.

      1. There are many ways to achieve the same outcome without resorting to destructive behavior. There are arguably more effective ways to achieve the same goal. You have to be willing to sit down with someone…come up with alternatives…think of the pros and cons and how each would be implemented. It wouldn’t hurt to then experiment and test them out a little to see how they would play out in everyday situations.

      2. I completely agree with your statement H.G. There has to be a way so that both parties are satisfied.
        But wouldn’t this require the person with NPD being aware of what they are and have a willingness to try? Or could one merely learn to jump through the hoops, avoid the obstacles along the way and redirect? So many shades of gray…

      3. I have a question HG – my husband has been known to have pity on animals – for instance, taking a stray cat to the vet or trying to help an injured bird. Why would he do that? I just wondered because he must have some kindness in him. Or is he doing it to show how decent he really is?

      4. That’s great HG. It sounds as though you’re working on slowing down your brain’s reward system to not be as impulsive. You can still have positive outcomes.

      5. Jane:
        two(!) of my ex-boyfriends did that too – picking up stray bunnies and hedgehogs. And as soon as I turned my back, the animal wouldn’t get any food and water or heat. Both used them to manipulate me.

        But I have a kind of ex-ex-narc who cared for my bunnies, too, though one could see that he did not really feel for them. But he was reliably good to them and fed them.

  4. This one almost made me cry. When i got emotional, he got enraged! I couldn’t figure it out. When things where bugging me, or upset, he would literally tell me he didn’t wanna no, and don’t talk about it. The last devastating blow, i was a mess, he would say, i want you to heal up, i wanna be with you, you need too heal up. He could not take the devastation he saw in me, caused by him. My emotion, my tears, my pleading, bawling, hurt beyond words, he couldn’t deal with it. And the kicker, YOU DESERVED IT!!! This one took me back a step. Pain i never have felt, and a response that was colder then anything ive seen. Now i know why he became so inraged at me. Throwing things at me, screaming he was gonna kill me as im in a ball crying. Shut the f*** up, JUST SHUT UP! Get over it! That was in the past! Never seen such a pathetic coward! Go commit suicide. Those momments, i wish would disapear from my brain!

  5. Ha ha… the last sentence about “do as i say, not as i do”, triggered a memory…my first husband, the Greater would say “oh, so you think whats good for the goose is good for the gander, do you”… now i know what that meant!!!

  6. I believe this is the key to spotting a narcissist . HG has taught us so many red flags to look out for , but as these can vary from narc to narc. I believe the one outstanding thing is how self absorbed they are . Even if they are doing something for you which in my case was virtually never , it’s still about them, they are looking for praise and attention. The self absorbed behaviour is beyond believe . Every conversation will somehow be related back to them if you really listen. I honestly did not know this level of selfishness existed , they don’t even cringe over it or have any normal embarrassment about their selfishness .
    I know this is a very very extreme case but when you watch the interviews on YouTube with Ted Bundy, it does not matter what question he is asked he only talks about how everything has affected him. Even when he’s being polite, articulate and even smiling his eyes never change, you look at his eyes and there’s literally no one home !! When being asked about gruesome crimes he only ever answers how it all made him feel.
    Even when I receive text and email hoovers from my N he only ever talks about how he feels and what he needs . It’s really quite incredible

  7. But you do love to witness the weakness and paralysis caused by you that sets in during devaluation or after the discard….yes?

    1. My dad was in intensive care last year….My husband just stood in the corner looking at him. He only visited the once. He created arguments at home and avoided supporting me. Friggin nightmare. Cant stand the man. But how to be rid of? He just wont bloody go.

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