The Dirty Empath – Infidelity

THE DIRTY EMPATH INFIDELITY

The Empath. Regarded as a paragon of virtue with those traits of honesty, decency, compassion, love devotee, moral compass and so on. All of which make the empath and their fuel output tempting prey for us. Yet within these virtuous empathic traits sit other traits, narcissistic traits.

There are four schools of empath (Standard, Super, Co-Dependent and Contagion) . Layered on to these schools are the empathic cadres (such as Magnet, Carrier and Geyser).

Each empath within the relevant school has both empathic and narcissistic traits. Some will have a small number of strong empathic traits with few narcissistic traits which are low in strength. Some will have many empathic traits which are moderate in strength and have few or numerous narcissistic traits which are all very low in strength. Some will have many empathic traits which are strong and numerous narcissistic traits which are moderate or even quite strong. The key consideration is that, in effect, the empathic traits keep the narcissistic ones ‘in check’ and thus the empathic individuals behave in a way which is empathic with other people.

There are however two main instances when the narcissistic traits come to the fore. The first is through The Empathic Supernova which is when the empathic traits become ‘dialled down’ or eroded for a temporary time and thus the narcissistic traits come to the fore. The second instance is a permanent state of affairs and this is the cadre of the Dirty Empath. The individual is empathic, of that there is no doubt, they have those empathic traits, they also have narcissistic traits too, however one of those narcissistic traits remains strong and prominent throughout and sits alongside the fewer, weaker narcissistic traits and the various empathic traits of varying strength. This does not mean this person is a narcissist, not at all. It does not mean that this person is not an empath. What it means is that they are an empath but there is one (sometimes there might be more) narcissistic trait which ‘dirties’ their empathic status. Think of the empath coloured white with a black streak running through them.

This cadre of Dirty Empath has various strands which appertain to the relevant narcissistic trait which prevails and this includes the strand of infidelity.

Thus where the empath is already in a romantic relationship, whether living together,boyfriend and girlfriend or married and they embark on a romantic, sexual relationship outside of that relationship, their narcissistic trait of infidelity has risen to the surface and remained there. What has caused that to happen? As ever, it is a symbiotic equation.

From the empath’s side there is something not right within their existing relationship which means that the narcissistic trait comes to the fore.

For instance, let us take the example whereby the spouse of the empath is either an empath or a normal and has become impotent and/or has no interest in sex any more. All else is well within the relationship – they care for the empath, they pull their weight around the home, they are a good parent, they have a decent job and so on. All is largely well, save for the issue of sexual relations. In such a situation, the empathic spouse has the following choices:-

  1. Recognise that all else is well within the relationship, that sex is but one facet (albeit an important one) and accept that it is better to have all of the other good elements of the relationship and therefore not seek to damage the relationship or hurt their spouse by seeking sexual interaction outside of the marriage. This is the response of an empath who has no dirty streak of the narcissistic trait of infidelity;
  2. As above save that the empath regards sex as so significant that they need it yet they do not want to hurt their spouse. Accordingly, they seek their spouse’s blessing to seek sex outside of the marriage but otherwise want nothing more external to the relationship. This is the response of an empath who has the narcissistic trait of infidelity but it is not so strong as to amount to a dirty streak;
  3. As per point one, save that the empath craves sexual interaction and knows it can only be achieved outside of the relationship. They therefore seek out sexual encounters with other people but have no desire to leave the existing relationship. This individual’s narcissistic dirty streak has risen to the fore and governed the behaviour of this particular empath.

With regard to this third element it remains relatively rare that the empath will do this unilaterally because their traits of guilt, honesty, decency and compassion will fight against the desire to accommodate the narcissistic desire of infidelity. If the narcissistic trait is very strong, the empath may still seek out these encounters and have them with normal people, an empath in a similar position to their own or find a narcissist.

What happens more often than not in this third situation is that the empath spouse has been targeted by our kind.

An empath with no narcissistic streak of infidelity will resist the sexual overtures of the narcissist. They may remain as a Non Intimate Secondary Source to the narcissist. It is highly unlikely they would be targeted to begin with in any event by the narcissist.

An empath with the narcissistic streak of infidelity will succumb to the overtures of the narcissist and find themselves engaged in an affair, breaking their wedding vows, breaching the trust of their partner and becoming sucked in to the world of the narcissist. If the narcissistic streak of infidelity is very strong, the empath may even have sought out (unconsciously) the narcissist.

Combine the narcissistic streak of infidelity in the Dirty Empath and a narcissist and infidelity is a given. How this pans out very much depends on the desires and wants of the narcissist. Please see the latter part of The Married Target as to how we are drawn to those who are married and are thus susceptible to our overtures. We may want the empath to become our IPPS and thus they are designated the role of Candidate IPSS as we love bomb them and lure them away from their spouse using our range of manipulations in the way that is described in ‘The Married Target’. It may be the case that both Dirty Empath and narcissist are content with an arrangement whereby the Dirty Empath is a Shelf IPSS and sees the narcissist intermittently and is treated as a friend with benefits, side person or mistress. Both parties are content with this. The narcissist gains in accordance with The Prime Aims and the Dirty Empath scratches that itch for sex outside of the marriage (coupled with the excitement that accords with it) but keeps their own relationship intact.

Sometimes the Dirty Empath becomes the Dirty Little Secret and is content with that arrangement also.

Note however that whether the Dirty Empath is a Candidate IPSS, Shelf IPSS or Dirty Little Secret, this is always at the behest and control of the narcissist. The Dirty Empath may willingly embrace the dynamic (unaware of course that they are with a narcissist and what their role is) as it fulfils the desires of the narcissistic trait of infidelity.

The issue arises however when the Dirty Empath wants to remain in the role of Shelf IPSS or DLS but the narcissist wants the empath to become the IPPS. Battle is joined to pull the Dirty Empath in the direction the narcissist requires with all of the drama, triangulation and heartache that follows. The problem for the Dirty Empath is that having allowed themselves to be governed by the narcissistic streak of infidelity they have already trampled over their partner and the narcissist knows this. In the same way you cannot get a little bit pregnant, you cannot be a little bit unfaithful, you either are not or you are. Where the Dirty Empath has hitherto enjoyed being the Shelf IPSS or DLS, keeping this activity secret from their partner and enjoying all the other benefits of the best of both worlds, it is the narcissist who ultimately calls the tune and if he or she wants that Dirty Empath in a different role, the narcissist will strive to make it happen. If the Dirty Empath will not accord with the change of allocated role then he or she can expect their partner to be told of their infidelity and invariably the narcissist will have evidence (photos, film, documentary evidence of hotel trysts, oral testimony from Lieutenants) to use against the Dirty Empath. If the threat of release of this material does not persuade the Dirty Empath to submit to the whim of the narcissist, then it will be released. The hitherto painted white Dirty Empath will be painted black, they will be devalued prior to dis-engagement and their own existing relationship with spouse or partner will be the prime target of the narcissist for the purposes of causing its destruction and spreading misery. The need to punish the disobedient Dirty Empath and the significant fuel available (negative fuel from IPSS, negative fuel from secondary/tertiary cuckolded spouse, negative fuel from secondary/tertiary sources allied with said spouse and/or Dirty Empath, positive fuel from loyal secondary/tertiary sources to the narcissist) means that the chances of the Dirty Empath being ‘let off’ are virtually nil.

The Dirty Empath may find they can keep their own infidelity quiet for some time, remain as a DLS or Shelf IPSS and enjoy an elongated golden period with the narcissist, but they have no control over that. If it continues that way, this is purely down to the approach of the narcissist. There remains a risk that the narcissist will wish to change the dynamic and with that comes significant consequences for the playing away Dirty Empath, his or her spouse, partner and family.

Those who give in to their narcissistic trait (and this is usually because a narcissist has ‘sniffed out’ this Dirty Empath will eventually end up suffering.

This happens in the following circumstances :-

  1. The DE is DLS or Shelf IPSS for some time and then the narcissist wants to promote them to Candidate IPSS and then IPPS, but the DE does not want this as this will blow open their infidelity;
  2. The DE is DLS or Shelf IPSS for some time and then the narcissist decides to dis-engage against the will of the DE;
  3. The DE wants to become the IPPS of the narcissist, but the narcissist does not want this to happen;
  4. The DE wants to become the IPPS of the narcissist, achieves this, leaves their former spouse with all of the attendant heartache that causes and then enjoys a golden period with their newly acquired (but unrecognised) narcissist. Of course you know what is coming next don’t you? Yes, the DE IPPS is then devalued and dis-engaged from. Their narcissistic streak of infidelity has seen them lured from an otherwise satisfying relationship, drawn by the golden allure of the unrecognised narcissist only for that to collapse and now they find themselves alone, rejected and often hated by narcissist and the cuckolded spouse they once had.

The Dirty Empath with the narcissistic streak of infidelity who becomes ensnared by our kind is only heading for misery. They do not have the lack of remorse, lack of conscience or lack of guilt that allows us to drive ever forward. Instead they are left to rue the consequences of this narcissistic trait being intensified and exploited by our kind.

Further articles will follow concerning the various strands of the Dirty Empath.

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33 Comments

    1. Instinctively most will be able to do, although some will get it wrong and attempt to lure an empath that does not have the dirty streak and thus the seduction (in an intimate sense) will fail.

          1. So annoying. You know exactly what I meant. Because no Empath would be truly dirty Hahahah

            Yes please, what percentage would seek and/or submit to infidelity?

          2. Hey, do not blame your loosely framed questions as me being annoying!!

            It is 25%.

          3. Alexissmith,

            How could you say he’s annoying? I know it was a joke but I would be too scared!

          4. Agh only 25% now I feel like I need a wash!

            I’m genuinely suprised at that figure. I want to be part of the 75%.

            Are you still in the 25% if it was only once?

          5. Jenna, I don’t feel scared from the safety of being behind my computer screen (now I do haha)

            Plus I’m pretty sure HG takes it in the spirit which it’s meant.

          6. Alexissmith,

            Good for you for not being scared! Sometimes when I make a mistake and Hg corrects me, I get really scared then too lol! I guess I have to work on it!

        1. Good news is, that if you found them repulsive before, once successfully deprogrammed, you will find them repulsive again. Along with all others of their kind. Ewwwwww

          I was going to say, I need to learn to be horrible to them. But in the case of that one, (my fuck off and leave me alone comment is on a different thread) it didn’t make a blind bit of difference anyway.

          HG, have you ever had a victim N as an IPSS? Maybe even an IPPS?

          1. Your answer made me laugh so much. I know how much you despise them.

            I was planning on being a lot more cheeky In how I phrased that question. But thought better of it!

        1. When what fails NN, please be specific as I do not see the previous comment in my moderation pane so I do not know what you are referring to.

          1. HG:

            I think NN might be referring to your prior remark about failed seduction attempts by a narcissist (“some will get it wrong. . .thus the seduction (in an intimate sense) will fail”).

            I am interested in the aftermath of a failed seduction attempt as well. I would think that an empath without the dirty streak would be relieved if she weren’t oblivious.

            But what of the victim who was drawn in but then the seduction stops because she was unsuitable, or a better prospect arrived on scene, etc? In other words, she was dirty and willing, but the narcissist was somehow put off by her. . .for the moment.

            From my perspective, any existing addiction to the narcissist could continue?

            Assuming an MMRN, how would the narcissist treat her for purposes of hoovers–less likely, or the same trigger and criteria considerations apply?

            How frequently do narcissists resume or return to seductions of DE’s that they have halted or “failed”?

            And. . .is there a difference between being “shelved”, disengaged, and a failed seduction? How does one determine whether the narcissist considers a seduction, for intimate purposes, as having failed versus paused?

          2. George asked if all narcs are capable of identifying a DE. I was wondering what happens when the seduction fails, to the potential DE and the narc fuel matrix..I guess the question is still ambiguous as it would depend what school we are discussing?

          3. If the seduction fails, then the appliance may remain as a NISS within the fuel matrix. They may be disengaged from and hoovered at a later time (as a NISS or to try and establish them as an IPSS). If the appliance escapes through a failed seduction and imposes a solid no contact regime, the narcissist may be unable to hoover at a later stage although of course that it is highly unlikely because the victim will invariably not have implemented a decent enough no contact regime.

            Thanks for clarifying your question.

          4. Thank you, K, for the cross-reference. That article has been helpful. I had wondered whether there was a difference in shelving or disengagement treatment between the married victims who had been unsuccessfully seduced and the ones who had progressed to IPSS status.

            It looks like the treatment is pretty much the same (unless someone corrects me on this). A little difficult to tell in a co-worker situation.

            Thanks again.

      1. Would it be fair to say that a dirty empath would be more aware of a narcissist´s manipulation tactics due to themselves having narcissistic traits and wouldn´t they be a greater threat to a narcissist than a normal empath?

        1. Not necessarily George. They may have some greater awareness but the impact of emotional thinking will blur this and result in loss of insight.

          1. Is there anything wrong with getting hovered when NC is in place, ET is under control, and fuel from personal proximity is very low?

          2. One final question HG if you don’t mind …. what if the DE knows about narcisissm, is off the radar great fuel, is happy with the part the N plays in their life but still finds themselves on the shelf. Could maintaining the facade of the perfect married man be more important than on-tap mega fuel.

            Many, many thanks HG. I realise you’re a busy man xxx

          3. I think your question really is – ‘If I am know about narcissism, I provide great fuel, I do not cause any problems for the narcissist why am I still on the shelf? Is the façade more important than my fuel?’
            The answer is you remain on the shelf because there has been no hoover trigger or there has been but the HEC have not been met (which may be related to the importance of maintaining the façade but will involve other factors also) and thus you have not been hoovered so you remain on the shelf.

          4. Thank you very much for your time today HG.

            For the record re the terminology etc I hope your work is adopted as mainstream.

            My mother use to call my father a ‘Nark from hell’ and that was 40 years ago. She knew he wasn’t right but went to her grave never knowing the TRUTH of what he really was.

            How I wish she could have read your work before she died.

            Best wishes to you xx

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