Violator

violator-2

 

We are able to do what we do because of a particularly fundamental trait that we look for in the people that we target; trust. We look for those who place particular reliance on trust and then we abuse that trust. Most people operate on a basis of trust. If they did not, the world would grind to a halt. Trust lubricates so many transactions between people whether those transactions are social, financial or emotional. When somebody tells you,

“I like your shirt it suits you.”

You trust them to be telling you the truth. If you did not do so, you would stop and cross examine them as to why they like it in order to evaluate whether you believe their comment to be a true one or not. You trust the company from which you make a purchase to deliver when they say they will and that the product will be fit for purpose. You trust your colleagues to do their jobs effectively so you can also fulfil your obligations. You trust the police to maintain law and order, if you did not, there would be anarchy and rife vigilantism. It is axiomatic that there has to be trust otherwise everything would be slowed down or stopped as people evaluated, analysed, questioned and verified. Trust is evident everywhere and there is no greater trust than that which is expected in an intimate relationship.

People trust their partner to have their best interests at heart, to trust them not to do something to hurt them, to trust them to be faithful and loving. We know that in order for you to love in the way that you do, that deep and unconditional love, there must be trust. You approach your relationships with this trust held out in front of you, a symbol of good intent. You presume that everyone else that you will engage with will also adopt a similarly trusting stance. You expect them to reciprocate this trust. You trust that they will trust.

You are not a cynic. You do not operate in the realm of suspicion and mistrust. To do so would be admitting defeat and would tarnish the ideal of love that you are committed to. You accept much at face-value. That is not to label you as naïve, that would be unduly harsh, for as I have mentioned, many people operate on the basis of trust and so they must. You apply this trust to your dealings with those that you fall in love, led to believe by us that this trust will be reciprocated, that it will not breached, betrayed or damaged. You are a truth seeker. You apply honesty in all your dealings and the taint of lies and dishonesty offends you considerably. The stench of our deceit, the rank odour of our mendacity is great but the perfumed veil we cast over such dark and dangerous deceptions is such that the malodorous warning never nears you. You are conned into believing that we tell you the truth when we first encounter you. We behave with such conviction, the air of confidence we exude, seemingly unquestionable and unimpeachable. We look you in the eye, those unseen mirrors reflecting back at you your earnest trust so that you what you require. You look upon supposed honesty, apparent openness and this maintains your sense of trust.

By trusting you believe that you will get the truth. That our love will be true, that our intentions are truthful, that our fidelity is real and we govern our interactions with you under the mantle of truth. You trust that all of this will happen because we make you think you can trust us. We will reference those who have let us down, those who have betrayed us and in so doing we hold up our own reliance upon trust in order to receive your trust. See how we have trusted others and they let us down? We have always trusted beforehand and so you can be assured that we want to gain your trust and you shall have ours. It is all carefully orchestrated to channel one of the fundamental tenets by which you abide. When we gain that trust and we do so easily, you enable us to take this valuable commodity and apply our own veneer to it, reinforcing it and demonstrating to you just how much we value it. As a fellow disciple in trust this enables us to conduct ourselves in a way which ensures we are above suspicion. When we meet with a member of the opposite sex and explain she or he is just a friend and it is a friendly drink you have no reason to think otherwise. You trust us. When we tell you that we are working late. You trust us. When we borrow money from you. You trust us. When we tell you that we are using the contraceptive pill. You trust us. When we tell you that we love you and have never loved anybody like this before – you trust us.

Trust equals the truth. We then abuse your trust by carrying out our treacherous acts. We court other partners and shatter your trust. As you sit at home watching television thinking we are working hard for our future we are philandering and sliding our tendrils around a fresh prospect. When you are making that dinner for us both, looking forward to an evening together, I am showering in a hotel as I seek to wash away the scent of the person I have just coupled with. When you check your bank balance and consider what you will do with the return on the investment that I talked about so you lent me the money, your hard-earned money is being used to impress someone else so that they fall into my clutches. We take this very thing that is of such central importance to you and we abuse it. We disrespect and we trade is just like a commodity.

When you eventually realise your trust has been shattered and this has happened repeatedly. When you finally wake up and join the dots. When you see the flagrant breaches of your trust, when the evidence is irrefutable and painful, we may well have gone. Not only have we abused your trust but we have left without explanation or reason, leaving you to deal with the aftermath alone as we move on to the next target and begin gaining their trust. Like any confidence trickster it is necessary for us to gain trust before we are able to abuse it. Not only do we hurt you repeatedly through these actions we do so to such an extent, with so many people and with so many people aware of it, other than you until the last moment. This wide-ranging and wholesale desecration of trust, this tarnishing and defacing of the truth leaves you broken and unable to face the totality of the truth. You cannot comprehend that you have been conned so extensively and so often. You cannot bear the sensation that arises from having been made to look so foolish. You held your trust up as something to be proud of and now you are left to rue your reliance on this as you hear the repeated comments of “Told you so”, “Didn’t you notice?” and “You are too trusting.” You equate trust with the truth. Our abuse of your trust causes you to not want to accept the truth of what we have done.

 

27 thoughts on “Violator

  1. paula says:

    HG Tudor aren’t you afraid of death. It will come to you.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Paula, no I am not. It will come to everyone. When I die it will be when my legacy is secured. I have felt death’s scythe swish by several times and if it happens, it happens. No point fearing it and no point worrying when it does as it will be over.
      If he does not come for me until I much, much older, I will be fired into space in a space suit and watch the world recede as I breath my last, knowing I remain above all that is below me.

      1. SN says:

        Some might say: as above, so below.

        Yes, I am cynical to the core. How did I even get here, then, HG?

  2. Scout says:

    I trust very few people and always have done but I wanted to trust someone I loved. I thought this was my narc but I quickly realised he was too self-absorbed and mouthy to be entirely trustworthy. The only people I trust now are my closest girl friends.
    Empathy doesn’t always equate as blind trust.

  3. Carla says:

    I’m going to start a game; Every time you make a Depeche Mode reference we all have to drink.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Now this IS fun

      1. 𝑪✰ says:

        lol, cool… what are we drinking??

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Kool-aid

      2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        Alright there Jim jones lol

      3. Twilight says:

        Kool aid, ya so long as it is sugar free sign me up

      4. Carla says:

        Somehow I knew you would

        1. HG Tudor says:

          It pays to be flexible

      5. Carla says:

        Not today Jim Jones 😂

  4. Clare says:

    To be fair I was a serial adulterer myself when I met my narc due to my first husband being unfaithful also. Yes I trusted him but once that vanished and my heart was broken (as I thought) I behaved as badly as he did. He was too wrapped up in himself to realise he was being played at his own game. However, I did finally understand the futility of life as I was living it. Once I had cleaned up my act completely I dumped him and married a decent honest man – we are very happy 🙂

  5. Ellen says:

    For someone with no empathy, HG, you have incredible – if somewhat disturbing – insight into how people think & feel.

    Why is it, do you think, that those of us who grew up with narcissistic parents tend to be so trusting? One would think we would be the opposite; distrustful, wary, and always on guard.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you Ellen. My survival as a child depended on it to some degree. As a maturing adult, my success depended on it. Where I am now, my success and survival depends on it. The ability through many years of keen observation, understanding, mimicry and latterly the input of the good doctors and my good readers has continued to contribute to Encyclopaedia Tudor. I have to know how people think and feel, my life and my existence depends on it.

      I think that some grew up to be trusting (the empaths) and others became distrustful (the narcissists). I think that with the former that even though the parents were narcissists, the empathic element arose from giving (rather than taking) but also the inclusion of a stable role model (a grandparent for example). I have had several consultations with people where this has been most apparent.

      1. Twilight says:

        HG

        You know I understand.

        And just because everytime I see the name of this article

        https://youtu.be/2sd7MQVofYc

        This was the first song I ever listened to by them.

      2. sarabella says:

        I think, in my case, it was a poor effort to dilute the toxicity. Sort of like the environment was so wrong, so full of vinegar, so I tried to do the opposite, fill it with all that was missing.

        This weekend, I found a letter my first real boyfriend wrote to me when I was about 19. I cried and got very depressed reading it last night. Because in it, he described my ability to hate people. And he said something that was really powerful, about me not trusting what we had. Something about that I don’t seem to know what I feel or forget what to trust and what we experienced. That was the gist of it anyway. I can only imagine how i felt reading that letter back then because reading it now, that was true. My mother had spent so much energy talking me out of my reactions, that not only did I stop remembering and feeling the bad, I also lost trust in the good.

        Now, I look at my ability to “hate” as rage. Pure rage. My mother dealt with her NPD issues with that superior attitude towards people that I always felt as a kind of hatred. My sister was always angry. I was also angry and dealt with my own social rejection with a something that was rage as the wounds and real rejections (not perceived) were so deep, it probably looked like hatred. But now that I know what I know? Of course I would be feeling that way. My list of Fucked up Things that Were Done to Me was long by 17 and I was angry, deeply hurt, without a voice and trusting no one and certainly not ever trusting what love and acceptance might feel that I had shared with my boyfriend. When I realized we were moveing away (real geographic changes) and we were not going to make it, I was hurt, sad, deeply grieving the one short period of my life where I was openly and publicly loved by someone. I did react in that wounded rage. But from what he wrote, I had expressed hatred towards people in our day to day life when we were together, in how I responded to some things and I didn’t realize that was even going on.

        In my twisted way, years later, I figured out one way out of this toxic home mess, to be seen or valued, was to give in a certain way. To as they say blithly say these days, “be the change I wanted to see”. So my mother never told me she loved me, hugged me, looked at me with love and warmth, well, then I would and set the model. Only I didn’t know that the change in how I acted was really another version really of me not being able to stand up for myself, be someone, be loved, respected, protected, valued or see that what I was giving, wasn’t going to come back. I never saw that then. SO I gave my mother massages, gifts, turned my cheek again and again, stopped reacting to her brutal criticisms… I thought my empathy was good. I never saw that it was something that crippled me in a new way as it took years to really start to stand up for myself.

        Reading that letter was very painful as I know that there was a time, I would have collapsed into how awful I am from what was described. How dare I have anger. But I as able to read it and say, Yes, I was full of anger and ‘hatred’ but it was not without good reason. I just had no idea WHY I was so angry and that much didn’t theoretically have to be that way.

        What was more shocking was to read some phrases in that letter that the last N used with me. “I don’t want to portray myself as the innocent one” and the other, “You know damn well I …. ” .. and then the other, “I am giving you time, when i could be out partying…” and “I could have just written a postcard, saying you are full of shit” but I am taking the time …”youe hatred is so bad, its the kind of thing someone would read and want to commit suicide” …

        The letter confused me a bit, how in the world could he sound the same as the N who got me a few years ago? Are they sounding the same cause they are right, I am the crazy one? Or, because they had more in common? The sad thing is that I look at that boyfriend’s picture whose letter I read and realized that I picked him to be my boyfriend just a few years after the N did to me what he did 30 years ago (and then came back to repeat). They looked alike. My jaw dropped when I knew that I had tried to date the first N who hurt me and walked away from me. I was going to recreate the next best thing. I realized 2 years ago that I fell in love with the N deeply on sight and I know it affected my life in many, many ways. Imagine me reading in that letter, the boyfriend discussing my anger that he wasn’t paying enough attention to me and that I didn’t want him to be like those guys (the country where the N lived). I was so afraid I was being used and had been. And now I know, that was how the N 35 years ago had treated me. When he ignored me like I had never existed in my life, he scared me deeply. And I took that experience, without realizing it, with me into the next relationship and into many others my whole life.

        But why and how could they both sound alike? 30 years ago, and I found that someone wrote nearly some of the same things. Or is this what it takes in life, being so confident, that you just decide that dealing is too painful, so you just tell people, “I am innocent, I didn’t do anything”. How many times the last N told me that was shocking, but in that case, I had it in writing that he knew he was awful to me even if he later again, pretended it never happened.

        I also trusted that boyfriend, found out he had cheated on me, but never confronted him. I trusted he loved me. Thought we would hold to each other and even through college, get married. But I read that letter that was 6 pages long and I didn’t see one, “I love you”. Sure, we were young, but I thought that we were it. Many people do find and keep their mates that young.

        So how was it that these men, decades apart, managed to tell me that I am full of hate? Yes, I do have deep scars, deep resentments, but how is it that they said the same things? Even almost using the same words? Maybe I was more the problem in this than I realized. I have owned as much of what I could with the last N but maybe, I was more wrong than I am facing myself? Or was that boyfriend I picked, also someone with high narc traits and that IS why I picked him, too? Which is why they said the same things? And as the boyfriend was pulling away, but not acknowleding it, partly also because of geography, I know anger grew and then he just disappeared one day. But I read that letter, yesterday, and I saw that he had an explaination for everything. He wasn’t awful, he actually seemed to have been trying, but how could the dynamics actually now that I have read that letter, seem so similar?

        Really tells me that I am played my own role in this with people. How else do you explain it?

        I am just trying to make the connection, sorry it’s long, it has been a while since I posted. But I know that I was a very sweet, trusting girl with that boyfriend. He took my virginity. I thought he was the one. I didn’t want to date many. I wanted to get married, raise kids. And when the N came back and hoovered after 30 years, the N who looked like that boyfriend, I actually FELL back into that young girl mode with him. Not so much in person as the initial contact was email/text. But emotionally, I regressed right back to that place. I let my guard down, opened my trust, felt young, vulnerable again, fragile. Like the girl I was when he hurt me 30 years ago. He emotionally violated that little girl in me again. We had even disccussed me the adult, taking care of the little girl as we “went safely into our relationship so no one would get hurt” – what a crock of shit that was, there was no safety as he lied about many things that he got me to believe (he had changed, was a good man now, always wanted me…) which is why I let my guard down. I had become the girl I didnt’ get to be with him 35 years ago, I wanted him to know that side to me, who was that girl with that boyfriend and no one else, really, not even my current husband. I had lost total track of her for decades after I lost both the N and the boyfriend, but I sort of found her again via the N who hoovered and then I watched her heart get broken into a thousand pieces again. That was the worst betrayal. To show him who I was, the girl he never got to know as he claimed it was out of his control, and to have him reject her again and find out after so much hurt since 2013, it was not out of his control and he had in fact done it all on purpose.

        So why do both stories sound so similar? Because he asked me to show him my wounds, the real me, the little girl, on purpose, so he could hurt her? So I reacted the same, the way I ultimately did with that boyfriend? Rage and hurt triggered by deep hurt and fears around attachment issues?

        What a letter. What a connection. To see that the two of them looked almost alike and had a similar body physique. Can’t have been a coincidence…

        any insights anyone? not so coherent, I know, but when you found yourself acting the same way with an N, how much did you ever decide was just your dynamic with an N? LIke they bring out the worst of your personality? They trigger the same places? Or that the N’s target people who they sense have love/abandonement issues? I remember that boyfriend telling me one of our high school teachers warned him to not hurt me … I took it as I was valuable, so don’t hurt me and lose me. Even the boyfriend’s own father told him to hang on to me, I am special. But the other side to that is that he was capable of hurting me badly?

      3. Somewhere over the rainbow says:

        “I think that some grew up to be trusting (the empaths) and others became distrustful (the narcissists). I think that with the former that even though the parents were narcissists, the empathic element arose from giving (rather than taking) but also the inclusion of a stable role model (a grandparent for example). I have had several consultations with people where this has been most apparent.”

        I confirm: I had my wise emphatic grandfather and my husband had his wise emphatic grandmother. He cried when finding his dog dead, as a child. I cried for all the dogs and kitten in the neighborhood and I was feeding dogs on the street from my food while in school. I loved more animals than humans then. I understood they are not so mean. They taught me a great deal of empathy. (That’s for the “giving” part). Yes Tudor, only by giving you can learn to receive, there is no other way to self-fueling. You can’t give yourself a healthy confidence and love before learning to trust a little and care for others. You see… our built in “software” is a very wise one and as far as I can understand: we really see in others what we are! Unless…we break the circle.

    2. ava101 says:

      Ellen,
      I keep wondering the same.
      I don’t even remember a role model.

  6. K says:

    HG
    hmmmm, this remind me of this one on August 2, I still feel the same so I just copied and reposted old comment.

    https://narcsite.com/2017/08/02/a-question-of-trust-4/#comments

    K
    AUGUST 2, 2017 AT 8:57 PM
    When I was a child, I was a mean-nasty-cynical-little-delinquent and I was much happier. Empathy is nothing but a liability. Fuck trust!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Good efficiency K.

      1. K says:

        I am a paragon of efficiency HG.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Henceforth you shall be K the Electric Motor (they are 99% efficient in case you are wondering).

      2. K says:

        Ooh, that’s better than a Tudor Gold Star. I am honored, thanks HG!

    2. 𝑪✰ says:

      …my walls of trust went up super high after coming to this blog….i had always been cautious of people, and gave my trust accordingly, but now, no more. I can barely, in all honesty, trust myself. how could i have been fooled by 3 Narcs and I gave them my trust???? i feel more safe by keeping up walls now, if that makes any sense…

      1. abrokenwing says:

        Yes , it does.

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