Poll – What Was Your Full Horror Moment?

POLL

It is often the case, although not always, that there is a Full Horror Moment that occurs when a victim makes a shocking discovery about the narcissist that they are entangled with. More often than not this arises out of the romantic dynamic, but it will also include familial and less so social or work dynamics.

The Full Horror Moment is when you make a discovery about that person which, in essence, tears apart your world. It occurs when you are not physically present with the individual. It might be you make the discovery following escape or dis-engagement, but more often it occurs whilst the relationship is ongoing. You may have had your suspicions and decide to check the ‘phone of this individual only to find that your seemingly heterosexual partner has been subscribing to gay dating sites, arranging hook-ups with same sex partners and engaging in a way of life unbeknownst to you. Alternatively, it might be an instance where you open some post mistakenly only to find that your husband has a huge credit card bill and this puts you on to a trail of other financial car crashes.

Whilst no less horrific, the FHM is not where you have been punched or raped by the narcissist, kicked out of the home by them or such similar interaction. The FHM covers those discoveries which are made without the narcissist being physically present which have you feeling sick, needing to sit down and sending you reeling.

Do expand in the comments on the circumstances of your FHM, how you made the discovery, was it accidental or did you have suspicions? Did you think the problem was something else only to be totally wrong-footed?

Thank you for participating.

What was your 'full horror' moment?

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234 thoughts on “Poll – What Was Your Full Horror Moment?”

  1. How sad, HG. I can’t participate in this poll. For all my narcissists, I never experienced any of those things. Ive had FHMs with each narc, but they were all when I was mentally analyzing their words or behavior after the fact and suddenly something clicked and I realized that they were not truly the person I had believed them to be. So I guess my FHMs were all triggered internally from observation, rather than from some external discovery.

    9+
  2. Hi HG!
    The biggest one was finding out from the internet that he was engaged to a women. They had a whole wedding registry up and we getting married on my sisters wedding date. I confronted them both. He denied it and said he didn’t know she put something up like that and was not involved with her. I confronted her and of course she believed everything he said which was that I am a crazy ex gf. I was living with him and his sick mother at the time. He was cheating on me while I was helping to care for her and working. My sisters wedding is this Saturday August 12th 2017 and so is his. I was truly devasted and I am struggling with all the emotions that are leading up till Saturday….

    12+
    1. That is horrible! Did his mother know, too? I’ll be sending you positive energy Saturday. Maybe you can use that date to celebrate your new life and that you’re not stuck with him. Hugs

      11+
      1. His mother and family know that he is a big liar. They also know he is a thief and a cheater. They just don’t talk about it and keep their distance. In our 4 years together I found out he cheated the whole time. He said I would be his first marriage but he has actually been married 3 times before. Saturday will be his 4th. He told me he had no children but come to find out he has 3-4 that he is ok child support for. Only one child came from a marriage all the rest and from random women in different states. He told me he loves to travel and I see why. Thank you so much Saturday will be an emotional one. The women he is with knew it was my sisters wedding day and still didn’t care. She is supposedly a women very Godly and so is her family. I believe that’s why he chose her. She believes everything he says even with proof. He use her religion against her when it comes to forgiving. He will destroy her just like he did me…. Thank you for the positive energy!

        4+
    2. Jess…im very sorry that must be awfully painful and of all dates to pick your sisters wedding date. Hope youre able to enjoy your sisters special day and not let that taint it ❤

      3+
      1. This is the most painful thing I have ever gone through in life. It is just so hard to wrap my mind around how someone can be so cruel. Not only him but her also. I believe she knew we were together and I also believe she knows what he is but chooses to believe the lies. He likes to pretend he didn’t know about the date but he was suppose to attend the wedding with me and than all of us were going on a family vacation. He even requested the time off of work. Thank you for the well wishes. I plan to focus on my sister. She has been my rock through all of this!

        2+
    3. Wow, that is so horrible! Like you, I warned the other woman and was painted as crazy also. I will definitely be sending you positive vibes Saturday!

      2+
      1. Thank you so much! Yeah it is funny how one minute I was the love of his life and the next I am crazy. We he destroys her which I believe will be worse than what he did to me she is going to remember me and how I tried to warn her.

        1+
  3. It sounds a little bit crazy, but it was, when he started to tell me a little bit of his truth. When he really let take me part of his crazy thoughts.

    5+
  4. My “full horror” moment came upon me the moment I found this website HG………..although there were many mini horrors along the way……I chose to ignore them or push them to one side, for reasons still unknown to me……it was when I saw all of these mini horrors together, highlighted on these pages, that my full horror moment materialised.

    15+
    1. Flick
      I agree. One narc, that I can identify without a doubt as he was seeing a shrink and he admitted his diagnosis. I believe my ex husbands had issues but none to the degree of HG. Besides I had aims and in the end, I achieved them. I just label them ass assholes.
      I am not an empath for the most part. I am not a target like most on here. Trust me on this.

      2+
      1. You might want to go see what they’re up to! Perhaps you will like their blog as much as they liked your comment!

        I don’t know what you mean by this.

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  5. It is amazing how people that you knew about from their past (but of course only from the words and stories that the narc tells you) will come out of the woodworks and reveal their own experiences with your former narc to you following your own devaluation/discard/escape. In this, you discover that the story of their past is mostly or entirely concocted, that the true victim(s) were not the narc but those people in their past who had been villainized, and that your narc was not at all the fine and stable upstanding person they portray themselves to be with their facade. In my case, she had quite the reputation in her former home town as someone who “got around” with married men, was into the “swinging” sub-culture in the town, and had to attend drug rehab for a significant drug habit…PLUS, had been having sexual relations with her “ex” boyfriend and others during the entirety of our long-distance relationship. I had already realized by the time of my escape that she wasn’t the person I thought she was simply due to her treatment of me, the gaslighting and the future faking, but these additional revelations were a whole new level of betrayal that made me physically ill, and still do. To know that you were suckered so completely, and actually loved this person who never even existed is debilitating and causes you to question everything you ever believed about your own judgment, logic, and ability to reason.

    8+
    1. Suckerfornarcopaths

      They come out after because you would not have believed them, ignored, and explained everything away if they had told you before.

      8+
      1. NarcAngel
        I understand that thinking and I believe you, but I don’t think I could ever forgive those people. I always want the truth and value my own intelligence. If someone I cared about stayed silent and helped hide my husband’s infidelity from me, it would devastate and humiliate me. I am neither a child nor do I want to live in self-delusions. I have the right to make my own decisions and vital information should not be withheld from me. Anyone who would help conceal something like that would not care at all about me or my welfare.

        Need to go cool down now. Just thinking about that has my dander all worked up! 😤

        4+
      2. Windstorm
        Ah, your other post explained. You may be the exception. Note the number of people who say there were signs but disregarded or explained it away themselves without the Narc even having to lie. A lot of women rationalize that those comments come from others who are jealous or scorned. That they havent seen the “real” him (haha) like you have. Still others will see but set out to prove you wrong for slighting their judgement. My MIL yrs ago told me that she knew her husband was cheating on her and looked the other way but that another woman brought it to her attention and with proof. She told me she did not thank that woman because she could then not turn away due to pride. She had to act on it because others knew. She said she hated that woman for ruining things. Then there are the people who tell you what your spouse was up to and give their negative opinions only to have you return to him. So people stay out and let you find out on your own, maybe thinking they are doing you a kindness by not embarassing you with the truth that you are unlikely to believe anyway.

        You is the Empath or victim and not YOU Windstorm. Bad habit I have.

        4+
      3. NarcAngel
        I have the perhaps unfortunate habit of responding to comments as soon as I read them , not reading subsequent comments first. So I responded to your earlier one before reading this one.

        Maybe most women aren’t like me. I do, however, have a horror of being deceived. Sometimes I think living always with narcs has destroyed my ability to truly trust anyone. I will go on the assumption that whatever someone tells me is true until any evidence to the contrary. But I watch and consider all evidence all the time and am never really surprised when lies and deception appears. It’s more like, “Ah ha! There it is!” The very last thing I would ever want is to be kept in the dark.

        As I think about this, I think it’s because of watching all my life how people lie to themselves. My father used to point this out to me all the time when I was a child. He spent a lot of time trying to teach me how to sum up people and manipulate them and part of that was to understand how people actually lie to themselves and like to believe comfortable lies. Since I wasn’t a narcissist, his training just appalled me, but I did learn a lot about psychology and self insight.

        3+
      4. Clarece
        Thank you! But that’s just the way Ive always been. Not sure I had any more choice in my nature than the narcs do.
        I certainly do think honesty is a virtue. Narcs tend to view it as naive, but I think that’s just because they can’t really understand it.

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      5. NarcAngel
        Well I’ve been pondering why your comment got me so upset. Think I’ve got it figured out. That type of thinking is what my mother and much of her family always did. They were all the time concealing truth from people – often me – because we either were unable to deal with it, too selfish/stupid to listen or it was it best for us not to know (we’d only worry). This was of course, narc thinking and a way to control and manipulate us.

        My mother did this to me all the time and it never failed to infuriate and upset me. And apparently still can, even from beyond the grave. Maybe other non-narcs do this too, but it seems to be deeply ingrained in my thinking as selfish, hurtful, narcissistic manipulation.

        2+
      6. Windstorm

        I am unclear as to why you are upset and with whom. With me for saying that because you believe it to be untrue? or because you believe it to be true and that they witheld information from you but relished in telling you after?

        1+
      7. NarcAngel
        Ha. Ha!! Neither! Definitely not upset with you for stating how many people think. Also this never applied to me. No one has ever come to me to tell me hidden things about my exhusband, parents or other narcs.

        What upsets me is when people make the decision to with hold important information from a friend or relative which that person has a right to know. To me that is arrogant, condescending and manipulative. Whether or not the person in question would use the information is not the point.

        Since I grew up with that type of manipulation, perhaps I’m just over sensitive now. My mother often hid things from me – often important things – as a way of making me feel inferior to herself. Then after I had learned elsewhere, she would make sure that I knew that she had known for quite a while, but deliberately not told me. I guess I’ve just come to regard this behavior as abusive whenever I see it happen to anyone.

        5+
      8. Windstorm2, I understand your anger and irritation at this. I felt very much the same way until I had time to consider things more carefully. I am speaking for myself and my situation here, of course…not everyone is the same. I too consider myself to be a logical, intelligent, and reasonable person, however…. It is easy to say, after the fact, that you would have been willing to give credence to any of these things had someone simply had the courage to tell you…after all, now you know what they are, and it is easy to believe that of them NOW. But during the seduction, the golden period, you are so absorbed in how amazing this person is that you can’t see the forest for the trees. Let us not forget, too, that the narc is a HIGHLY effective and believable liar, an expert at subterfuge and manipulation, and well-practiced at using smoke and mirrors to redirect your attention away from inconsistencies or even repeated patterns in their tales, etc. In my case, this was even easier given the long-distant nature of the relationship…the facade was easy for her to maintain for the 4 time a year 1-2 week back and forth visits. Couple that with our nature as empaths to see the best in everyone and rationalize away questionable behavior (even when the alarm bells are going off, because we all want to believe what we want to believe to one extent or the other), and I think it highly unlikely that I would have believed anything these people told me about her at that time. Even had I confronted her with any of it, I have no doubt she would have effectively neutralized that threat and weasled her way into an acceptable and rational sounding explanation as to why it WASN’T true or an incomplete representation of the facts…and I would have accepted it because I would have WANTED it to be true. At least for me, I think NarcAngel’s remark is spot-on.

        3+
    2. +1
      Almost 3 months after final breakup, there are still people coming to me and telling me things he has done in the past and also during our relationship… Can’t say I’m shocked by what they are saying now that I understand how he operates. What did shock me is there are several friends of mine who told me (also after the breakup) they had a bad feeling when they met him – that it wasn’t anything rational but that they felt a negative vibe coming from him.

      5+
      1. Even worse are those mutual friends that knew some of the truth about their past, but didn’t tell you about it or warn you in either the belief that they had “grown up” and changed or thst you would not believe them because you were so obviously in love with them. While knowing those things before the fact might or might not have chsnged your chosen path, it is hard to fault their logic in not telling you. Hindsight is 20/20, after all.

        5+
      1. Suckerfornarcopaths, some of his friends and even one of his family member did “warn” me in a way, during golden phase, by saying they are happy to see the positive change our relationship brought in him. I was very stupid not to question how was he behaving before and was rather happy to hear he changed in a good way because of our love…

        4+
      2. Hey Suckerfornarcopaths,

        when I introduced him to a family member, this relative said to me in the kitchen: ” I can see, if people are good ones. And he is a good one. You have luck.”
        When I separated and told her then, what he has done to me, she said: ” I knew, that something was wrong with him. I always recognise false people. I observed him a little bit.” I asked her then: “Why did you not tell me about your feeling?” She said: ” That is not polite.”

        But is was polite and friendly and helpful not to give me any warning.

        She let me run into my bad luck. And now I know she has at least one narcissistic trait: to tell people what they want to hear.
        She is not a narcissist, she is far away from that, but she has manipulative skills and she uses them, sorry to say that.

        2+
  6. MMn ..

    So many, but the night it came to bed & said that a complete stranger had offered to pay half the fuel costs to come to my home & have sex with me while it watched is pretty HIGH up on the list , especially as he’d posted holiday pictures on Cuckold sites without me knowing anything about it. ..

    4+
    1. Hi NSS! Yes, you’ve had some staggering moments you’ve experienced and pulled through from!! That one would definitely be one of the cherries on top of the sundae.

      6+
      1. MLA Hi!

        Thank you 🙂

        Yes it was .

        I can smile about it now but when it happened I’d been devalued for so long that in a way I accepted it as ” normal ”

        Fook that for a game of soldiers MLA ..

        Never again gawjus xx

        2+
      2. Oh .. And I as unpalatable as it is after the ” ball smacking ” Dildos up its backside & the amount of Porn it watched .
        It wanted W£ked off into a glass so it could drink it .
        Good job I’m not new here MLA
        xx

        2+
      3. What is interesting, because mine had his share of requests too, lol, if someone new comes along and is normal, but eventually had one of those requests…. I’m afraid it will be a painful trigger rather than being able to be carefree in the moment. Do you know what I mean? Not all was bad or degrading but I feel scarred currently, hence why I don’t even try to date. Not sure how long it will last. Maybe forever though.

        1+
      4. Of course I do MLA It hurts to the core doesn’t it I feel exactly the same way as you do … x

        Lets do a Thelma & Louise .. I’m up for it.. 🙂 !
        sending you massive (( hugs )) MLA . xx

        0
      5. I can tell you’re excited about your date. Have the waitstaff sneak you out the kitchen if he starts throwing red flags.
        Hugs!!

        0
  7. After doing some research, I discovered more of the truth behind his fall from grace in his profession. It certainly is no where near what he claims it to be (surprise, surprise). All the pieces of the puzzle, from a few things he had said that made me shudder, to comments on certain people’s social media pictures, came crashing together. The horror moment of realizing how inappropriate he is with teenage/young adult girls (he’s in his 40s), especially given his profession.

    2+
  8. It was when he decided to go on line (which he always did behind my back) and start corresponding with women and then he cut and pasted some of the communication with another and emailed it to me. The communication outlined how sadistically he had seduced and controlled her mind and then showed it to me and stated “if I would only learn how to submit like a Christian woman then I would be taught like this lady, and be loved like this lady”. He used bible doctrine to seduce and teach, and then tell his current supply they were not complying. This is during the time we are engaged.
    In retrospect he is no different then a cult leader. The spiritual abuse is the worse I have ever experienced.

    4+
  9. Mine isn’t up there but that moment for me was when I was searching for a diagnosis for myself, what I thought might have been a panic attack. Came across c-ptsd, toxic relationships, narcissistic spouse etc.
    Learning the magnitude of what NPD really is, that was the horror moment for sure.

    7+
    1. Same for me, SaraB23. It was when I discovered what NPD and narcissistic abuse are — and realized the man I’d loved for 10 years didn’t really exist.

      4+
      1. Hi Recovering
        Right now it’s one of the hardest moments for me is accepting that the man I fell in love with is fake..not real…and a figment of my imagination…that is it… these people are goooood at seducing you…I am working hard on accepting it so I can move forward.

        4+
      2. Yes, Christine, the reality distortion field they create is one of the worst parts of narcissistic abuse. I understand how hard it is for you right now. Hang in there! A point comes where both your head and your heart acknowledge that it wasn’t real. Doesn’t necessarily make it easier to live with, but at least you accept it and stop chasing the illusion.

        2+
  10. Mine was a shock moment but also made me laugh as well. Found emails from him to a “Natalaya” in Russia and them talking about being together, “her” English was terrible but it looked like he wanted to go over there and be with her (he received maybe 3 pictures of her, all normal and he sent some of himself) she was saying that she would come to him, I eventually confronted him about it and laughed at him saying “go be with her, let her move over here! But I can tell you what will happen next: you will get an email when she gets “stuck in customs” saying “there is a problem with visa, please send $2000 so I can come to you my love” hahahahaha you fell for a Russian scam you idiot!!” his face was priceless! Now knowing everything thanks to this site, I wish I just let him get scammed!

    6+
    1. Jessie
      Yes, but then you wouldn’t have that priceless mental image to pop in your mind and make you chuckle when you need a laugh!

      3+
  11. I had the FHM only with my psychopath. I found out he had a young child. And he was still in the relationship with the mother. Why I was so horrified was his place had absolutely 0 evidence of a baby being there. It was a complete bachelor pad. I found out later that the mother/child lived on the same floor of that building! So he lived a double life. Doting father, single bachelor. I later realized this was probably not his first time doing this. He probably had many small families across the nation.

    8+
    1. Wow! I have heard from a couple of women I work with that their husbands of many years had other families that they didn’t know about. The damage they do!

      3+
      1. Yes. This one was very ballsy by getting a condo on the same floor as his woman. I was most likely a secondary source. But there was no doubt he was bringing women in and out of his bachelor pad. I was so hurt that he had denied having any children or a girlfriend. On our first date, he said he wanted to finally ‘lay down roots’ and had selected my city. All he ever wanted was a family and love because he had been deprived of them his whole life. Ay ya ya! The webs we weave when we deceive.

        4+
      2. I think the hardest part was how my friends treated me afterwards. A friend of mine was who found out he had a woman and child. She told me about them. So my group of friends saw me as the adulterer, attempting to break up a happy family. Somehow I was to blame when I had zero knowledge of it. They didn’t understand about psychopathy. I was just a harlot …

        3+
      3. That’s why having friends on this site who DO understand are so important. I really appreciate all of you.😘💜

        6+
      4. Yes. Exactly. I have found that I cannot explain what happened because it sounds insane coming out of my own mouth even though I know it to be true. The only other person who understands it is my other ex-wife, whose mom is a narc.

        2+
      5. Most of my friends and coworkers think I’ve gone off the deep end talking about this so much. My daughter also thinks I spend too much time thinking and reading about narcs. This group is the only place I can go that understands. ☺️

        6+
      6. Isn’t that just the way? It was the same with the affair with the Mormon grocery store manager years ago. I was the slut and trying to break up a happy home. HE was the one who came to MY house looking for ME! HE wouldn’t leave ME alone. People will think what they want to think. WE know better, don’t we? YOU are good and sweet.

        2+
      7. Robin, ironically those same outraged people do much worse. With worse intentions. Apparently it is easy to throw stones when in a glass house.

        1+
      8. I agree. You would think that once you get to a certain age, you wouldn’t care about what people think about you. I’m still waiting for that day.

        1+
      9. Robin
        Are you familiar with this poem? When I first read it 10 years ago, I made it one of my goals and now try to always live in its spirit. Very freeing. Just thinking about it makes me want to go up and change into one of my purple dresses with red crocs!

        When I Am Old by Jenny Joseph

        When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
        With a red hat which doesn’t go, and doesn’t suit me.
        And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
        And satin sandals, and say we’ve no money for butter.
        I shall sit down on the pavement when I’m tired
        And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
        And run my stick along the public railings
        And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
        I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
        And pick the flowers in other people’s gardens
        And learn to spit.

        You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
        And eat three pounds of sausages at a go
        Or only bread and pickle for a week
        And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes.

        But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
        And pay our rent and not swear in the street
        And set a good example for the children.
        We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.

        But maybe I ought to practise a little now?
        So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
        When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.

        3+
    2. Love,
      Many men live double lives. My gay friends tell me all the time. Straight by day and on a man’s penis when no one is looking.
      .

      3+
      1. Right Love!? I heard this from a man I worked with when I was I was 22 and again from my friend who is Dr. of psychiatry. So since then, I always think in the back of my mind with all men, ARE YOU ONE?

        4+
      2. I am past the stage of querying “are you a narc???”……I am at the stage of “which kind are you?”……because that is all I attract or that’s all that I am attracted to……I am not completely sure which bit of that statement is correct……. There was only one person in my life that wasn’t a narc and he bored me to tears……he was genuinely very nice…..too nice…..there were no highs…..there were no lows……it was always an even keel……..that’s how I know!!!!!

        4+
      3. Diva! You are spot on! Nice guys are boring. I am sure you have heard of girls only wanting bad guys. I went for nice guys. I brought the excitement.

        0
      4. Nice guys ARE boring, I know, I married one! (8 years divorced now) I think that’s why I am attracted to narcs. The last one just took what he wanted and I was always thinking “you really have some balls to be doing this!” My ex-husband didn’t have a backbone and never said no to me. VERY VANILLA! Straight and narrow. Play by all the rules. YUCK! I feel I am doomed! 🙁 Her I am, a sitting target.

        0
      5. My ex’s had backbone but they also did not know how to say no to me. My first husband said that he gave me to much freedom. The truth is I have never listened to anyone. I was not a controllable child nor adult. My mother could not take me to stores or out as she had no control over my behavior. When I was, I think 11 or 12, I kicked the back of her car seat for over three hours. She pissed me off. I am the same as an adult, but I do not kick car seats anymore but I am never told what to do.
        I do not like guys really. As friends but the thought of one getting close to me gives me anxiety. I can’t do a relationship. I have nothing to give.

        0
      6. Wow, you are a force to be reckoned with. I wish you could give me some of that. I was always the good child and did what I was told but my sister (she is 12 years older) is more like you. She has been married five times because whenever one of them would try to tell her what to do she would show them the door. She has been like that her whole life. I still like men but know that finding someone exciting, at my age, will probably never happen. I miss kissing and sex so much but once you have had someone that is great at it (narc), no one else measures up and I don’t want the mindfuckery that comes with them ever again.

        0
      7. Robin, you have mentioned your age a few times so I will feel free to ask exact age.
        I have only been married twice for a total of 11 years 3 months combined. I would say I am not the marrying kind. If I am getting married you bet your bottom dollar I am after something. I do not find the need unless it is financially driven. I would to protect a long term relationship and my end is near or they need for me to inherit theirs. I do not need the white picket fence, I have my own.
        Woman, find a female travel companion and play with the guys you meet as you travel. You do not have to wash their socks this way and you have fun being who you are. Unless you feel you are a woman who wants or needs a male in their everyday life.
        Great sex comes in all packages. It is what you will allow to happen in your bedroom. You can find Narcs for a weekend playground. How great would this be! I know of one. He is a greater. He is an author and has a crazy blog full of empaths. 😉

        0
      8. I have a daughter (only child) that just turned 27 and I was not a teenager when I had her. I am not a grandmother. That’s all I’ll say about my age. 😉

        I feel the same as you about getting married again. I never want to again and would only do it for the reasons you gave. I have my own picket fence and my ex-husband has left me financially stable with half of his retirement and I own my own home. I would, however, love to have a girlfriend to travel with and find a greater narc for a weekend, but all of my close friends are married. I have one woman that I have met that I have a lot in common with but she lives in England. We are going to plan something next year. She is going through a very nasty divorce with her ex-narc. The things she is going through and went through. He is really a nasty bastard! Thanks for your reply Ah Oh.

        0
      9. Robin you keep bringing it up and the last count I think was four times. I have 3 sons 28, 26, 24 soon to roll over to the odd years, I have my first son at 30 years young. I hate the number but I know I do not look my age. I take very good care of myself and I can afford the PS on call. I will go down fighting.
        I do not have grandkids but they will never call me granny. I will be Mimi.
        Sorry for your friend and my 1st ex was like that. He told his sons “I hate your mother more than I love you” but he came back into their lives and now is a thorn in my side, again. We do not speak at all.

        0
      10. I don’t mean to keep bringing it up that I’m older than most. I just feel like an old boot most times but every time I tell someone my age they gasp and say “NO WAY!” My daughters friends all think I am so much fun and they love to hang out with me. I work at an assisted living facility (receptionist) and yesterday one of the residents said to me “you will be young, even when you are old. You just have that youth about you. You’re so much fun!” I can’t tell you how much that made my day. Once I took a family member’s hand (her mom was dying) and said “come on, let’s skip down the hallway”. She started laughing and said that was the first time she had laughed in a long time. I think you and I are the same age. 😉

        0
      11. I skip when I am shopping! So 1958 is a good year? I have no idea what I am suppose to be like at any age. My sister is only three years older than I am and I am asked if she is my mom. It is all about attitude and the love of self. And genetics.

        1+
      12. Robin
        So much of age is in our minds. My father used to say, “You have to grow old, but you don’t have to grow up.” So many people I share that with seem horrified. They think that’s ridiculous. Some even try to reverse it and say you have to grow up, but you don’t have to grow old. Now I think that’s ridiculous! I can’t stop time, but I also wont let society or anyone limit me.

        I embrace my fathers thinking and my nearly 60 years. I’ve worked most of my life in a middle school and I fit right in with 6th graders. I understand skipping down the hallway. I race on rolling chairs myself! People would be a lot happier if they didn’t take themselves so seriously. More than any other factor, it’s our attitude that determines our happiness. Embrace yours and be proud!

        1+
    3. That is a really bad scenario too. I would be physically sick the day I found that secret out. How far into the relationship before you figured this out? Did you confront him?

      1+
      1. I was a secondary source that had been with him for 3 months. The information was revealed after a very traumatic night with him. I called my friend crying about the event the next day – not understanding what had just happened. Her advice was a bit shaming. She took it on herself to further investigate him. She let me know what she found out. I was floored. Crushed! Again, more shaming and guilt. I wanted it not to be true. I confronted him. He was furious and said I had violated his privacy and basically cut me off. I suppose it was a silent treatment.
        That was the worst torture: no resolution, feeling guilty as if I had done something wrong, like I had hurt him, and also enduring my friends’ condemnation.
        I had 2 very painful unresolved issues (the night before and his woman/child) and no one to give me clarity. I saw a therapist for the first time in my life. He suggested I go to a BDSM club 😁. After doing my own research I learned about psychopathy. And I did a background check on him and found he had 2 felonies for aggravated stalking.
        So all in all, the cards fell as they were supposed to. It enabled me to learn more and refuse to see him ever again.

        0
      2. Hi Love! I was processing your story. You got hit on several levels in a very short time span over what started with an extremely uncomfortable bedroom situation. First a violation of boundaries and trust with your body. Leading into turning to a friend for support, only to be shamed about. Leading to the truth of his existing family. More trust broken. You being viewed as a bad person who needs a BDSM club for an outlet. My god! I would be wrecked too!
        I’m so glad you’ve pulled through all of that.
        Hugs!!

        2+
      3. Thanks Clarece! I never thought about it like that. I really appreciate your response. I just kept going afterwards. Yet weirdly, (and I apologize if it is too graphic) I could not watch porn for a year after that. It would make me feel extremely sick. Prior to, it never bothered me. So I guess it did affect me much more than I realized.

        0
      4. Of course! I think that was definitely a before and after moment for you. What a sh*tty friend too. If you knew he had a family, clearly you wouldn’t have let the relationship progress like you ceased it upon finding out. Wth?
        Porn and Tinder have seriously ruined everything for women to find a relationship with substance.
        Any porn I’ve seen in recent years is ridiculously fake and catering towards men’s visual fantasies. Two girls pleasing one ugly guy, and one girl always ends up with a facial.
        I miss old school, Boogie Nights porn where they at least attempted a cheesy storyline.
        I recommend the show Gigolos on Showtime for you. You see guys catering to the women.

        1+
      5. I thought you girls loved facials, the number of times you head off for a spa weekend and a facial

        2+
      6. Omg! Clarece I’ve been watching that show! It is so cute! Funny how it focuses on male bonding and friendships. The guys seem like nice genuine people.

        1+
      7. LMFAO! Love, OMG, I don’t think I’ve ever used the adjective “cute” describing “Gigolos”. It’s brilliant marketing if you think about it because each episode showcases two guy’s escapades each week like a personal infomercial. The guys do have great personalities but now I realize they have to be pretty narcissistic to carry that lifestyle. But for the money they charge, boy can they give the ultimate golden period. Lol
        True story. Two years ago, still depressed and suffering from JN, my BFF that I work with and I went for happy hour. Gigolos was advertising for women to apply for an episode on Showtime. (She watches it too). So I did that and uploaded 2or 3 pics off of my FB page. The next day Garren James called me!! I was dying. I ran into my girlfriend’s office while talking to him mouthing the words “I have Garren James digits in my phone”. He liked my backstory and said I’m very cute with a wholesome look. Lol. The deal-breaker came when he said no getting around I’d have to be willing to “show my tits” for Showtime. I can’t risk my daughter going to school with the mommy who “showed her tits” on Showtime. Talk about social suicide in my small town.
        My BFF and I have some fun happy hours though!

        0
      8. Omg!!! Clarece you vixen you! I can imagine what an exciting time that would be! But I also understand how you wouldn’t want your daughter to ever see that. I thought it required all women to have sex on the show.

        0
  12. In my Gravatar are 2 children, they were raised as brother & sister. The girl is my biological daughter the boy is not my biological son. My moment of horror was when I realized my boyfriend chose to have a relationship with the boy.

    0
      1. AH OH
        I had a pretty good idea he was gay when he was 5 but I raised him like a son. My ex helped me raise the kids but I noticed a change in my ex’s behavior towards him when I was pregnant. After our daughter was born he spent all his time with this male child while ignoring me, his biological daughter and the other 2 children. My ex morphed into a gay teenager over a 3 year period. It was weird.

        0
      2. He was always gay and I would not be a bit surprised if he did not touch this boy before he was 18. They have a way with doing this. Sorry but he is a terrible person. A wolf in sheep clothing. Did he ever go to the orient?

        1+
      3. AH OH

        No, he never went to the orient. He wasn’t much of a traveler. And he is most certainly a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

        1+
      4. many US men go there to engage in little boys and live a “straight” life back home. I borrowed some quotation marks from Miss Terri. 😉

        0
    1. Hi K…just read your story and am shocked. So sorry you went thru that its a double whammy losing a son and a boyfriend. It sounds like the boyfriend was hiding his sexuality but even still to target someone so young and a son thats so sick 🙁 youre so better without but its the aftermath thats so damaging. Hope youre on the track to healing and being much happier in life ❤

      0
  13. the multiple infidelities/double life sort of mesh together.. multiple profiles on hook up sites, dating sites and I hacked into his phone and computer for more deets…then I discovered “the vault”, maybe he wanted me to…. I felt like my stomach was punched and shoved up out my already slit throat. this was to continue for 13 years…..

    4+
  14. Mine wasn’t up there. For me it was seeing a post of Facebook showing “12 signs you’re dating a sociopath” and I checked off 10 of them. The more I read, the more I understood but was still in shock. Even now, reading all that HG writes shocks and bewilders me.

    3+
  15. We were about 3 months in & had been serious since the beginning. I had a strong gut feeling that he had lied to me about his past with certain women. I could have cared less what he did in his past, & therefore it was concerning that he may have been lying to me about something that wouldn’t even have been an issue had the truth been told. (If he was capable of lying about something so insignificant, then how could I trust anything he said?)

    So on my 3-hour drive back home, I hacked into his FB & read messages. Not only was I correct about the lies, but I found out he had been hitting on numerous other women throughout our relationship. I also discovered that he was manipulating one of them into thinking they had a relationship so she would cash out her Retirement in order to pay his back rent. A couple of days after she cashed it in, she stayed w his 3 kids while he went out of town with his new appliance (me) & plastered pics of us all over FB.

    I told him what I’d done & discovered, & this was our 1st fight. It ignited heated fury. I couldn’t believe the things he was saying to me. And of course, no accountability. He was the victim since I hacked into his FB.

    I learned about lies, manipulations, playing the victim, rewriting history, calling me names, other women,taking advantage of people, no remorse, no empathy, etc – all at the same time. I was crushed!

    4+
  16. I discovered a second fb profile in his name..(with slightly differently arranged letters to throw people off the scent). On this profile i discovered he was in a relationship with a woman he claimed to be ‘just friends’ with, and had been in a relationship with her for 3 years. Her profile was filled with love hearts and sweet comments from him. Meanwhile he had also been planning an overseas trip with his live in gf earlier this year. These two women are completely unaware of each other and of him doing this and him living a well constructed double life. I was his DLS (presumably.. although I was always told I was the only one). I feel sad for those 2 women empaths who still think they are his only love when in fact they are far from it. He even showed me photos of other women as he was discarding me (because by now i had told him i knew what he was doing). I am well aware he would have had more than 3 ‘relationships’ on the go simultaneously…its cruel and hurtful. This along with many red flags about his behavior, comments, lies and lies, work type and supposed houses he owned were my FHM moments…

    3+
    1. Tiddlywink,
      after he had discarded me I met him in a cafe. I told him that I would like to be his secret affair now, because then I would be treated better. Let me change my role. Now the other one is the IPPS and I am the …

      He believed me, agreed and found this idea spectacular. And started then to talk bad about her….
      I only listened how he talked about this woman, who really wanted to marry him, sell her own flat , change her job,

      and thought:

      Such an idiot. He actually believed me. How stupid can a man be? He felt so superior and loved and irresistible, that he did not notice how much I made my (bitter) fun of the situation. I did not feel that I lied pretty well. I thought, he must see it. But he did not!

      I played this role to get some money back, unfortunately I could not stand it long enough.

      4+
      1. Mona….well done u!! My midranger was extremely pissed off when i said i knew what he was.. and as i was being discarded because by now i had too much evidence to let either of his gfs know he is a cheating bastard.. he gave me a proposition and asked me ‘would i like to be his ‘secret lover”… haha.. how degrading.. as if i would take up that offer after he would also be sleeping with the other 2 each day.. makes me puke……

        0
  17. Crazy as it may sound, it was all pretty unnerving. Mind you, the narc in question and I had a long history, we’d known each other 20 years prior and had several years of no communication. There was always a sense of anxiety and feeling ill at ease until the mask slipped. I knew for some time that I would find irrefutable evidence of “others”, and I didn’t have to really hunt for it, it found its way to me as things usually do. I just needed to have it to drop the ax once and for all. Once that happened, the monster returned, and in truth I was actually relieved. I could never get comfortable with the farce, and once the real narc reared its head the anxiety melted away. There was no horror for me at that point.

    1+
  18. Mine was a mid-range and I should preface this by saying we were not romantically involved, but ‘friends’. He very much behaved like an abusive bf, however. It was fucked up.

    I knew he was lying to me about something. He had already lied to me about his real name at 1st, but that wasn’t the horror moment. That came 7 yrs in, when I came to learn he wasn’t ‘secretive’ like he was pretending to be, but an online media whore and flaming homosexual to boot. He was very ‘out’ and flaunting but never bothered to disclose this to me, throughout our 7 yrs of ‘friendship’ despite knowing I had romantic feelings.

    Although we are no contact for several yrs now, I know he believes he was the one victimized and did nothing wrong. Finding out this way fucked me up for years afterwards.

    That someone could do that while at the same time claiming I was ‘important’ and ‘special’ to him was utterly shocking and devastating. I think it was 6 months before I went a day without several hours of crying.

    3+
  19. Realised there were multiple infidelities
    Realised he/she was leading a double life
    Identified extensive online flirtation and interaction
    Discovered extreme/fetish material

    It’s a long story… He had a Master let’s say. Other than himself supposedly. He all apparently just wanted revenge on her. This was all my most recent MMRN. And stupid me thought he would be honest and actually work on things after that, loyal as always I justified it since this person was the worst, maybe it was possible to be that hateful towards someone who’d done the things this person apparently did. Until the creeping sensation that maybe he wasn’t being honest. Every time I checked my suspicions he wasn’t although not the same person, unsure if that’s better or worse. The reality set in when he refused to leave to give me a break though. He laughed in my face, told me how financially screwed i’d be without him, told me he had the right to be there, and so on (99% of the things here are mine). That was the deal sealer I think. After months of being deprived of any sex or even cuddles and obvious lying, stealing, refusing to compromise.

    1+
  20. My FHM was when I looked in his phone and discovered many awful things at the same time. He had sexually explicit text conversations with other women as well as men, he belonged to a swingers group, he had straight and gay pornography in his phone, he had been meeting with men and women in hotel rooms for sexual encounters, the list goes on and on….it was a slap in the face and a kick in the gut. I was devastated.

    2+
  21. I’m not sure where mine would fit in with the poll answers. Although the 4th of July incident two years ago that led me here, had a devastating affect on me, I would have to say it came a year earlier when he reacted so badly to the very sentimental graduation present I sent to him. He pretended to have a “girlfriend” text me to have me stay away and that she had his heart and mind. Later that night he got back with me telling me what he was doing with “her” (if she even existed), sexually and that he “tossed” the present in the garbage. This followed one week after I took a day off from work to be able to spend a little time with him before he moved away from the area. He texted throughout that day that he would be coming over, then poof his plans changed at 8:30 p.m. and he couldn’t. He kept me waiting at my house all day, like the genie in the bottle, toying with me, and then not showing up. Then he had his graduation present waiting for him at his new address that weekend when he left. That was really my first head on collision with his very cruel behavior and actions and had me completely trapped in my head constantly trying to fix the situation.

    6+
      1. A reasonable person would return the gift if they felt it was inappropriate to keep with an explanation. Not do what he does.

        4+
      2. He was being cruel and malicious. Him telling you what he was doing sexually to another woman is similar to punishment a sadist gives in a BDSM relationship.

        4+
  22. The horror moment, was when. I started finding out his vindictive actions towards past employers, friends, and family. I realized, it was a matter of time that it was my turn.

    1+
  23. I was at his annual Christmas party that he has every year. Tons of “hot” women there but he assured me I was the hottest. He had to mingle with everyone since he was top dog in the firm.

    The day after the party I was in a group of women and one that was just an acquaintance, not really a friend, said “you do know XYZ was fucking different women in the bathroom upstairs at his party, right?” I chose not to believe her but I thought about it all the time and, of course, asked him. “Who do you think I am!?!?” “How could you think such a thing knowing my character and integrity?!?!?”

    Well, after quite a while it all came out in the wash as most things do. He was indeed fucking several women at different intervals that night. It makes sense now in light of his crippling erectile dysfunction. Each journey to the bathroom to fuck could’ve only lasted about 30 seconds including hiking their dress up. It would definitely fall under the heading “quicky”. Then he’d reappear by my side and kiss me. At this moment I’m thinking about the transfer of saliva in one single night. I’m going to vomit.

    4+
      1. Love

        It was more likely what they would have over him and the other women in 10 seconds than the actual performance. I would have hoped for 9 seconds and threw myself into that role just to watch the look on the face of that Bitch in Finance (who hates me) when I tell her I was in the washroom with him right before her.

        3+
      2. Well, I was right in there with em, Love. I’m so embarrassed to admit it but I am not one of the empaths that grieved over the loss of great sex after discard. I hung around for the mind fuck instead🙄🙄🙄

        2+
    1. Wow! Not being able to perform long but be a narc thing. The ex always assured me “it would be the best five minutes of my life”. A snickers bar would have been more scarifying than a sexual encounter with him.

      1+
  24. None of these really applied to me DURING the relationship (except maybe the flirting that I thought nothing of) as I was a DLS but after he discarded me and ignored me for a few months (and then hoovered) he was on my mind so I began to google him. He has a VERY common first and last name even narrowed down to the state he lives in so this yielded nothing. But then I googled his screen names and I found a profile on a fetish/hookup website. Hence choosing that on your poll. It was a horrific moment for sure but it also did not surprise me after coming here and learning what he is.

    And to take it a step further I was told of some other things on this list (from him himself and other people who knew him) about his history. Like the multiple infidelities before me AND the double life he led. And the constant triangulation/flirting with other people (mainly the waitress when we went to dinner….which at the time I thought he was just being friendly). And I still looked past it and got involved with him anyway. I chose the fetish/hook up option as I learned about that long after the fact. However during the actual relationship I was probably experiencing the other infidelities but just not realizing it.

    3+
  25. This is a sad subject that brings back the shudder. I found gay websites in the history, links to gay porn and strange extreme fetish videos. A gay profile where he had friended some of the most unattractive males I’ve ever seen. It was puzzling because this was a man who would shrivel in horror if anyone suspected for a moment that he is gay. I honestly don’t think he’s gay, or even bisexual, I think he is just such the attention whore that he needs the supply from men and women equally.

    3+
  26. he sought revenge on me by starving our child and myself while he would buy himself cakes and ate at fast food places,claimed there “was no money for groceries” (of course there wasn’t, he spent every dime and penny on fattening himself up while starving us) and I had to point out that he could get food pantries if there was no money for food or mooch off his mother as he always did because starving us (as part of financial abuse) was abuse. Since he did not want me filing charges he did get food (a week later), but that was the last straw and between that and trying to force our child to move in with grandma in a different county, even against our child’s will, I knew I had to go and offer that option to our child.

    1+
  27. Hidden money. He wouldn’t show me his balance for his bank account overseas and after reading this site I realized he was triangulating me with his family member on it. Then I found out he had more accounts. The guy is not normal when it comes to money. He can be starving for proper food and have assets to feed an army.

    1+
  28. My moment? Well when I had a conversation with his best friend’s wife who had seen his pattern with every woman he ever dates… which was A LOT!!! She broke down and told me everything…and I had a conversation with his daughter, and his daughters mom. I was floored that he truly was and is a monster!!! After months of silent treatment and ignoring me as if I didn’t exist, and the countless times he physically abused me…. I was done!! The day I moved out, he begged me not to go, he even went engagement ring shopping so I wouldn’t go. I still left!!! It’s only been just under 3 weeks and my biggest emotion is anger towards him.

    4+
  29. 1st. I asked if I could use his computer to check my emails for work while at our beach house for a family members wedding. He was in bed sleeping as it was early morning. I went downstairs to the computer and saw his email was left opened. I was stunned. I sat and stared at the computer wondering if I was wrong to scroll through. I was questioning our relationship but felt I may be paranoid and felt shame I wanted to check. I left the computer to make coffee and mull over. I came back and decided he would never know I had looked. I scrolled through inbox and sent and saw nothing that was wrong. I felt guilty. I was about to log him out to log myself in when I decided to check his trashed messages. I scrolled and scrolled and then there it was….. a message from one of my clients. I felt utterly sick. My heart pounded in my chest as I stared at the computer screen. I did not click open as I sat and shook uncontrollably. Why would he know my client????? Why is her name there? I knew in my heart something bad was on that email that he shouldn’t have. I was frozen. I got up and made my coffee afraid to open because I knew once I did my relationship would change forever. I went back and finally clicked open to see her picture there. She was in a bikini and it said hi. I was frozen. I didn’t know how to feel because I was frozen still. I did not cry, I did not freak out, I closed the computer and waited. I then brought it calmly to his attention as he grasped for a response and I said calmly. If you lie and I know the truth I will never trust you ever again. He lied and I walked away knowing he would never have the same wife again. I put it aside to do my wifely duties for the wedding. He knew he lost what he once had and begged me to stay. I left him not long after and cussed her out. I got an apt. For one year but did eventually return for more.

    2+
  30. As soon as I moved in he went from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde. It was a night and day switch. I also had a dream about him with one half of his body like a normal person and the other side like a corpse on the Michael Jackson video “Thriller”.

    2+
    1. Hi CLB! I also had a dream about the Narc. He was a big, fat 6 foot long rat lying in a bed. Later on I met a woman that I also envisioned as a human sized rat. I googled her name. She had a mile long rap sheet and was running from the law!

      0
  31. 2nd dating a year and a half in and thought I had the perfect relationship only to get a call from a friend saying he (my bf) was on match.com. I went and saw for myself. I didn’t sleep for 36 hours horrified this man I adored was a liar and then all I thought I knew was fake. I felt betrayed , used, and not good enough. It destroyed me for a long time and I still am not the same. My heart was tarnished.

    3+
  32. About 13 years ago before narc experts were everywhere I began dating what I thought was a nice Jewish boy from a wealthy family in the Midwest who sold commercial real estate. The idealization period was great and I fell hard but always had one eyebrow up just because I’ m a super empath. He seemed to change real estate companies very frequently, like every six months, he had also told me he had done either special ops work, some sort of secret intelligence work I don’t quite recall the details. I have mentioned him here before only to share that I asked him how to kill someone, hoping to find out like what point on the neck to hit etc. I was just curious to see how much actual knowledge he had on the subject because it was fascination to me. Of course he offered no specifics. This guy was eleven years younger than me and I was always a little uncomfortable with that but just went with the fact that despite that he was into me.

    I was in sort of a lull in my writing career so he agreed to hook me up with a female friend of his who was a former agent now working as an independent producer. She was an older gay woman. We met for lunch and naturally stated talking about our mutual contact, Mr. Wonderful. As I began to talk about what I knew to be his background and mentioned the special ops thing she looked at me as if I were nuts and said, “He’s never done that. He’s been living with his mother and selling real estate( to me he was a divorced guy with two kids, one of whom I met.) The Queasies kept on coming as she refuted everything pretty much that he had told me about himself. I then asked how she, someone a good twenty to twenty five years older than Mr. Wonderful had met him. From my line of questioning and the sort of queasy look that started showing up on her face it became clear that she and he had had some sort of sexual relationship after she broke up with her husband and realized she was gay. So Mr .W was officially a bullshit artist into kinky shit with older women, gay or not gay, and sought them out. I remember, as this information wafted over me, getting so sick to my stomach I thought I was going to pass out. The woman was getting so uncomfortable with my questions as I tried to get her to elaborate on the exact nature of their relationship that she could not ask the waiter for the check fast enough and could not scurry out of the restaurant fast enough. This was my horror moment, imagining him in bed with lesbian grandma and then me in bed with him.

    1+
    1. Horseyak
      The question that keeps running thru my mind when reading this is why would he have connected you two up in the first place. Surely he realized you would talk to each other about him?

      0
      1. You know, I always had the same damn thought myself. But my explanation is that he had some kind of identity split between really being a nice Jewish boy ( he did come from a wealthy family in the Midwest — I checked out/ verified who his parents were) and this kinky narc/sociopath freak. I think he truly wanted to hook me up with someone who could possibly help me out career-wise and, because of that, didn’t bother to consider that other stuff could come out during what was only supposed to be a business lunch. This woman already had a long-standing female partner when we met, so whatever happened between her and Mr. W was long in the past. Plus, Mr. W was probably also thinking, “I can really impress this woman I’m dating by showing her I know industry people.” What he didn’t count on was that I, as a highly intuitive Super Empath, was intentionally searching for something that was not sitting right with me but didn’t know what that thing was. I just had an instinct something was rotten in Denmark and started asking a lot of questions. The woman, not expecting any of this, inadvertently said more than she ever intended to. Whatever happened between her and Mr. W must have happened right after she divorced her husband and switched teams.

        I guarantee, if all this narc info had been available 13 years ago when this happened, I would have never even had date one with this guy, cute as he was. His idea of an appropriate first date was to get together with me and his kids. I remember thinking, what kind of freak brings his kids on a first date? My gut said, RUN! But of course you run all this by your friends and your therapist and they berate you for being too picky, you believe them, and you plunge in anyway. This is how we end up with these whackos, by ignoring our instincts. I only bring this up because it echoes other things that HG has touched on here. Pay attention to the first clues and trust your instincts. Actually, if you must know, I saw the hollowness in his eyes on his Match.com picture and even ignored my early, early instincts, so there you go. Dealing with this guy, for the brief two months I was with him, took me years to get over. For me, it was a real horror story.

        1+
    2. Your story touched me a lot, horseyak.And especially your thoughts. I absolutely agree we should listen to our insticts. If only I had done it during our first meetings…Another reason he brought you in contact with her could be that these people love to play with danger. They geopardise their relationship with a certain person, testing the limits of this person. It is also an adrenaline thing (they easily get bored). If everything is revealed, they try to bring the person back. If they succeed, the satisfaction they get is great.

      0
      1. Great insight and I completely agree with you. This could easily have also been some nice ” off camera” triangulation fuel for him with both of us separately, post lunch, giving him a nice ” How COULD you?!” lecture. Yes, based on what I did not disclose about him the adrenaline factor was definitely likely. I looked him up on Facebook not long ago and he did get married. Shivers. There is a deluded codependent born every minute.

        0
  33. I could have checked off more than one box. Things I heard he had said about me, catching him on eharmony then reading all of the messages, finding out he had a girlfriend while I was pregnant.
    The last actually took my breath away and I couldn’t speak. When I was told my mother had 72 hours to live, I had the same feeling. It feels like your heart is broken. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.

    2+
  34. I’ve had a lot of moments like that from the beginning. I keep remembering things that happened and i remember a moment when he was flipping out and i said “what is wrong with you? You’re not even drunk. Why are you acting like that?” He used it as a reason to quietly spit in my direction proceed to call me a crazy bitch and use it as a way to escape and go get drunk. He doesn’t do much shit like this to me anymore. The way to beat him, was to become him.

    2+
  35. That the story of the murder of his brother which I knew about, actually might have involved him, his having it done.

    And that he preys on underage girls, little 15 year olds, and takes advantage of their desperate poverty and hopeless futures.

    Both of those almost did me in.

    3+
  36. This isn’t exactly fetish, but it was the closest so I chose “Discovered extreme/fetish material” for my hub. (Again, I’m not sure if he’s a narc.) I’d always known he looks at porn, and that’s fine. Hell, I like porn sometimes, though I don’t store anything I look at. But I discovered he has over 65 GB of porn on his computer, in a very organized collection, most of which is from porn sites. The sheer volume of porn he has feels awful because he almost never touches me at all, and half the time he tries, it’s when I’m sick or in major pain, or otherwise not able to participate.

    I discovered some of these folders are of women whose computers he has worked on. They are labeled in such a way that indicate they are someone’s private directory, and many reference local universities, etc. and I am absolutely sure he did not get these women’s consent to keep their intimate pics. This was a trigger for me because of my own history with being sexually violated, and knowing how I’d feel if someone did that with my pics.

    And… lastly, he has a folder of pics of MY MOM’S FEET. He has a foot fetish and there’s only one reason he took these of my mom’s feet. They are from different days and years, different shoes. He took them with his phone on visits to her house, and I’m in the background of a few of them. Closeups of her feet. That felt like the biggest slap in the face.

    No, the biggest slap is that he clearly has an active sex life, it’s just with himself, shit tons of porn, and a dozen or so local women who don’t even know he’s getting off to their pics! There’s nothing freaky about the nature of the porn he likes. All of it is just women, not even couples having sex. Just women stripping or using a vibrator. Some of the porn are paid sites, so he actually chooses these pay sites over fucking me.

    Again, the nature of the porn itself isn’t offensive or scary. The non-consensual way he gets some of it, and the amount of space it takes up on his computer, that is what I felt warranted “extreme material.” I haven’t been able to talk to him about this, and I’ve known about it over two years. He will rage if he learns I was on his computer. He will feel like I violated his privacy. I have backed up everything I found though and will use it in court if I ever have to.

    1+
  37. @JSNOBSKI….same here…. and that is one reason I am so “closed off” now. still cant somach what i found & i thought he would “change” someday & come to his senses., … in the meantime, I found HG Tudor and never looked back

    1+
  38. I have written about this often but my FHM was when I discovered that he’s cheating and has been cheating for god knows how long. I was suspicious for ages but simultaneously, just couldn’t believe he’s that low for ages. I noticed women popping up on his FB (even though I was defriended ages ago, and his FB is all locked down, private friend list – but I have my ways). There were many nights where he disappeared but you know, I don’t automatically assume someone is so fucked in the head. I also found a receipt from a bar on his living room table once and when I went through my notes (i.e. emails) I realised that on that night he’d told me he felt ill when he got back from the gym and headed straight to bed. I always respected his privacy and didn’t want to be THAT girlfriend who sends messages to women and acts like crazy & suspicious bitch. Checking someone else’s phone is also off limits to me. But at that point in May when all these women popped up I just knew I had to do something. So I sent messages to numerous women. So FHM was pretty much realising he’s a serial cheater. Had it been one woman, ok. I mean not ok, but not “wow I spent the past four years with a complete fucking zero let’s get the fuck away from this shit” but more like “ok, this isn’t good, but why did this happen, maybe we can talk?”. FHM was also seeing how he claimed to one of these women that he’s good friends with his wife (they’re not friends) and that he’s helping her with the nationality and will divorce her after – when he told me he’s in the middle of getting the divorce and told me he sent a bailiff to her and bla bla bla. FHM was also seeing “I just got back from Borneo” when at that time he was supposedly in France helping his father who relapsed after a stroke from earlier this year. So FHM was really discovering that this guy is rotten, that he’s not who I thought who he was at all, that I dated some complete stranger for four years, basically a phantom.

    1+
  39. Great poll! I entered discovered multiple online flirtations and interactions.
    In the case of my ex narc we met offline but there were women online that he was clearly involved with in some capacity. That wasnt the last straw tho it was when he disappeared for a time then popped back like nothing ever happened. That was enough for me to end it. The fact he was involved with others didnt sit well and i suspected one woman in particular who he ended up marrying and divorcing 2 years later. He is a midranger and boo hooed about how her and her teen daughter treated him awful. He ended up moving back with his parents something he feels no embarressment over. I lost total interest. I did enjoy parts of his personality and he was a lot of fun and hilarious. He was definitely a cerebral and he loved music and tv themed trivia.
    My present narc realisation was online as well. We frequented a site together and i found out he was under another maybe several other user ids. I confronted him on it and he of course denied it. He later joined with one that was obvious and intentional to let me know it was him. It was extremely uncomfortable and i left the site which im sure was part of his intent. He would flirt in front of me and show his alter narc ego. He pretended to be married with kids which looking back is laughable but he was convincing. I was upfront with him and said what i suspected and that he could be honest with me but of course he wouldnt risk that. Im not shocked bc he is single and were not married but it was then that i realised a turning point and knew he didnt exactly feel the same way about me like i did him. That was about the time i was suspicious about his personality and googled people who act like several people and viola narcissism. The rest is history. Another thing i noticed is how he kept acquiring new personality traits like a sponge and this of course was in conjunction with narc traits. Hes very interesting and a lot of what he presents to me im sure are attributes or information hes picked up from his other sources. For instance he went thru an australian phase several yrs ago and im sure he was involved with an australian lady. Now its politics and he stirs things up on different fb pages to draw attention to himself.
    Its crazy but i feel guilty talking about him this way but its all true. He did me a favor in showing his true self on that site but its yrs later and i have a hard time detaching bc i do love him regardless of his disorder. Maybe one day ill be answering this poll again with a second revealation that was the detaching factor.

    4+
    1. I can really relate to your situation on many points, but the one I want to comment on is that you admit you still love him years later. Thank you. My narc could probably do whatever, and I would still love him. I couldn’t bring myself to hate him or even not like him. Therefore, I finally said to myself, “You love him. Plain and simple. You always will, no matter what.” And I do. He came into my life when I needed him most. I need the love bombing. I needed the open minded sex. I needed his knowledge and confidence. He helped me. He may have destroyed my soul, but I have never fully trusted someone enough to be the real me. It felt great. I’ll never forget it.

      3+
      1. Hi jennifer…thats exactly it ive accepted the fact i love my narc. That said i do realise its not a healthy love and toxic in a lot of ways but at its core i do love him for the things hes done for me aside from the abuse. It sounds crazy but i have seperated the two. Am i “in love” with him? More and more im inching to no but i do love and care about him. There was a time i felt very much in love but hes showed me so many times the reality and its not one of reciprocated love or trust. It never was trust the foundation of our relationship. Id never willingly set out to hurt or abandon him but i do have to protect myself. Im not sure where itll end up but my love for him is genuine despite changing. Im still attracted to him but i realise some home truths and one being there never was or will be any type of future for us in the traditional sense and i never wanted that. I hope we can remain as friends regardless of what happens bc id deeply miss him in my life. Just because love changes form doesnt mean you no longer love that person. Not sure if that makes sense but thats how it is in my case.

        0
      2. I did that at one point, just layed there one night and admitted “You love him and are deeply deeply attached to him.” And it served only one purpose which was to not fight within myself about him anymore so that I could then get over it all and forget him. I don’t love him anymore. He still occupies my head on occassion, but love him? That is gone I think. He helped me only in helping me to overcome some deep personal struggles I have had around attachment. He was a catalyst for helping me to take down some of my own walls but love him? No? No, don’t feel that way anymore. Sure, if he hoovered me and laid it on and really worked some positive game, I would be in a big struggle. But in reality, his game was rather weak. Came on strong, fizzled out fast. He didn’t have what it took to keep me going very long nor does he keep anyone going really. Only deperate women who he can buy off with what little he has. The only person I think he has still managed to keep runnign around him is his ex, mother of his kids. Other than that, he just doesn’t have what it takes to secure any primary and so he could never love bomb me like he briefly did for it to ever be convincing. My heart is shut down to him I think at last, but I will always wonder …

        0
  40. Nearly didn’t participate as I knew all those about them from the start. I’m perceptive, sixth sense and all when I’m interested in someone, but utterly useless at resisting.

    In the ended voted multiple infidelity and extensive online flirtation for my mid range narc as I was shocked at the sheer number! With greater, I always knew all he was. Now I know it’s because I was an IPSS that he never meant to promote to IPPS so he didn’t quite mind me knowing. It’s must’ve been real fun for him telling me or allowing me to see all that he is, yet I never once flinched and instead kept gravitating towards him.

    0
    1. I flinched alot and reacted alot. He made a comment once to someone else about “And they keep coming back…” So no matter how ugly he can be, how crude, abrasive and how low he is, he does have people who do keep going back and who are drawn to that. He is always going to have an audience who will laugh at his ugliness thinking it is somewhat cute and not quite real as they have no idea how what he says is actually what he means. He is a violent person and he comes across as joking about it all but he really does mean it, deep inside. So I am going to be one of the ones who will never keep going back. No matter what it takes, I am going to be one who stays away no matter how much it can be tempting to pretend I don’t know what I know. I am going to be the one person who he thought he had full control over to hurt, denigate, abuse and who never, ever came back into his sick work in any way whatsoever.

      0
  41. Hi. I voted on a few choices. I’m just not sure my narc is a narc. I guess it will always be my opinion unless I see a diagnosis from a professional which will never happen. But he is pretty much a textbook case. Most of what I read, I can relate to. I was certain I would see my FHM listed, but it’s not. It happened when he was physically present with me. He’s been living a double life, but I knew about it (sort of) early on. My story is probably classic: Separated, getting divorced, reconciles, leads me to believe it will never work, I end up waiting (and remaining sexually involved). Its been 2 years. When I try to end it, he lifts me up. He just doesn’t seem to want to let go, yet I believe if I really did let him go, he would not come after me.

    My FHM would be when I knew something was wrong in the way he was acting and he finally told me angrily that he didn’t love me anymore. He didn’t tell me a reason I believed and I found out he had been cheating for a week. Was falling in love with another the same way he had with me.

    To hear those words come from someone who has put you on a pedestal is sickening. The thought of him with another woman tore me apart.

    1+
    1. In addition, he follows all the manipulation patterns like word salad, projection, futurefaking, love bombing, soulmate, best friend, text message and phone troubles ALL THE TIME. We made up within a week of him cheating and still remain “an item.” In other words, he tells me what I want to hear, sees me when it’s convenient, but gets jealous and mad if I even talk about moving on.

      2+
  42. You know, its truly amazing the possibilities that go through your mind when you find things like that. I’ll be perfectly honest, I started to suspect early on he was bisexual but couldn’t admit it to himself and I was willing to accept that and never speak of it. To this day, he doesn’t know what I know and what I held secretly for 4 years.

    I look back now and realize my narc asked many questions to “feel me out”(sexually speaking). I feel as though he groomed me like a sexual predator pedophile would groom a child. I’m starting to come to terms with the fact that I was actually perpetually sexually abused for four years. It’s like my mind couldn’t wrap itself around it and wouldn’t accept it. My anxious reactions started to develop early-midway through the relationship and became increasingly worse. I remember knowing when it was probably going to happen and my body would get tense…he would come over to me and look at me as if I was supposed to service him OR he would just come up to me and feel up on me as if I was supposed to be ready for it after being ignored or picked the whole day.

    I also realize that he must have put his ex through all of the same things. It’s mind blowing how everything he said about his ex and the way in which everything unfolded was like exactly how things unfolded with his ex. I read many conversations and emails in addition to the stories he told me and really believe that she had to have gone through the same things and she actually cut her hair off and colored it a different color. It was a drastic change that my ex didn’t like at all and I almost wonder if she did it to say “fuck you” and she didn’t want to be touched. I remember seeing emails with her saying it was ok to go a certain amount of time without having sex. The things she said…the conversations ….all similar or straight up carbon copies of what occurred between him and I.

    I guess I wonder if these other women have CPTSD just like me. I also wonder how far it went sexually….

    I mean…I fully recognize that these are all answers I will probably never get and it just…doesn’t matter. The healing process happens but it does in a slow and gradual way…that to me…. is like almost… unnoticeable at times.

    So now it’s a year later and the memories feel further away. It doesn’t feel so …fresh and I don’t feel as connected to them.

    My sex issues….I can’t completely tell if they have gotten better lmao.

    I am at the very least coming back to who I am and for the first not feeling like I need to be in a relationship. In fact, I haven’t been dating and I’ve been avoiding it all. Well, I wouldn’t say avoiding..I’m not actively seeking. Normally (in the past) I would have been actively seeking for someone but now it’s completely different. For the first time since I was 16 I don’t feel like I need sex or a relationship in any which way. I’m okay wit being alone. In fact, I kinda like it….

    4+
    1. Dr Harleen
      You sound like you’ve come such a long way, and so much healthier.
      It’s mind blowing when we finally realize everything they did to their ex is what they do to us. I wish I could talk to his ex, tell her how sorry I am for what she went through.

      1+
      1. I would be lying if I said it didn’t cross my mind. I realize it all doesn’t matter. It all just doesn’t matter….

        Answers don’t matter

        all you need to know is your dude was a piece of shit and was fucking useless…

        2+
      2. ng27,

        for me….it’s not about winning anymore…it used to be about winning but I realize it just all doesn’t matter…and it’s all just so subjective lol.

        I have reframed my thoughts and I’m getting closer to indifference

        2+
      3. Dr. H. Q.
        There was a time I stayed with him bc I wanted to be the winner, to hurt him like he hurt me, but I finally realized I would never able to achieve that goal. He always comes out on top, and it was too painful to try to beat him.
        Indifference is a much softer place to land.

        2+
      4. Ng27

        The only way to win … is to become indifferent. You can’t hurt someone who doesn’t care. When you become indifferent then you are in an even better place to find happiness because you’re not constantly thinking about how angry and hurt you are.

        I used to (and still) find such power in my anger. My anger has pushed me to achieve things and really has provided the bursts of motivation I have needed my whole life.

        This is the one time that anger won’t help me. The only thing that will is indifference.

        1+
      5. The only way to win … is to become indifferent. You can’t hurt someone who doesn’t care. When you become indifferent then you are in an even better place to find happiness because you’re not constantly thinking about how angry and hurt you are.

        I love that! I am 3/4th’s the way there. It’s been 10 months of no contact and it’s getting easier. I am starting to forget what he looks like.(I deleted every picture and blocked him on Facebook) I read once that “the one who cares least, wins”. I am going to win THIS time! 😉

        2+
      6. Ng27,

        I used to say to my ex “you are going to be really sorry because when I walk out that door…I wont come back and I’m telling you one day I will. One day I just won’t care.. and then that’s when you should worry because there is no hope when I become indifferent.”

        He used to give me this look of contempt and say “oh sit down… you’re not going anywhere.”

        He was very wrong. I told him when I leave … it will be as if you never fuxking existed and I will disappear.

        He didn’t believe me.
        They never believe me….

        Now they believe me.

        0
      7. Omg Doc! I would make the same threats to my narcs. Except I just wanted to hear them say, ‘no woman, you’re not going anywhere.’ In a Tarzan voice. I would even add on to it by packing a bag in the middle of the night. Lol oh the silly games I played just for a little bit of attention.

        0
      8. Dr Harleen,
        I said those same words…and then I walked away also.
        Did you ever take a step backwards after going NC to question what you did wrong, to force the sudden change of heart on his part?
        I know the logic behind the narc business, but I still slip up and blame myself at times. I hope I can put an end to that sooner than later.
        Really trying to fix myself…life is too short to be dwelling on someone who doesn’t care. It just still stings.

        0
      9. Ooooo, I see the power here, dear sisters! Lol.

        Indifference is exactly what that beats EVERYTHING.

        In that case, nothing could hurt you internaly. I’m “in contact” with my Patrinarc, Unclenarc, and my ex-husband. They all call me, visit me from time to time and I interact with them with considerable interest. Why not? Lol.

        0
      10. I want to add, girls, that the indifference permits not only to get rid of unwanted intimacy and pain, but it heals your own painful past experience if you have it. It beats the “painful” memories and converts them into “painless” ones.

        And when someone tells you “You see, you are sooo pathetic, even your previous boyfriend beat you!”, so, having indifference to your own past, your automatical responce would be “Yeah, you are right…I was beaten… So what?? Sh*t happens, you know…”.

        But be careful with indifference. It is a dangerous “weapon” to deal with, because it could cause a DEPRESSION. Before using the “indifference”, you have to empower the SELF-ESTEEM first. It is a multistep process. But anyway, it is 100% win. Woo-hoo!

        1+
      11. No name
        Indifference has always been my best defense against any and all narcs. I have perfected a blank face and complete stillness and it’s now an automatic response to any negative comment or action from a narc. Works really well.

        0
      12. No no, windstorm2, I’m afraid you are talking about “poker-face” tactic. Surely, it works. But it is an external condition. You have feelings inside of you, but you don’t show them to public. The indifference is an internal “poker-face”. More convincing.

        0
      13. No name
        Yes. What I do is an external poker face. It is very effective for my purposes. I can temporarily shut off all feelings except the need to protect myself, but only temporarily. I can not stop my empathy and emotions internally for very long, nor would I want to. They are an essential part of who I am – of who I want to be.

        0
      14. I totally agree about indifference! Indifference is freedom. My ex narc who i was really hung up on i became indifferent of. I didnt hate him and i didnt love him there was nothing there. When ive seen pics of him since nc i feel nothing but a bit of disgust for how he lives. Now i feel embarressment bc hes going nowhere in life despite the fact hes capable of doing so much. Instead he lives with his wealthy parents and tries to find women who will take over supporting him. When i finally seen the truth of the situation i became uninterested and indifferent. No hoover would ever be dangerous for me from him. Its over forever with him.

        1+
      15. Windstorm2,
        you can stop your feelings, but you can’t stop your empathy, because the empathy is your CONSTITUTION. It will always be there!

        Today moning, my Mother of Hell phoned me. I’m indifferent toward her. I have neither good, nor bad feelings for her. She wanted some sort of help from me. She asked “Could you help me?”. I said “Sure” and then resolved her problem. Theoretically, I would do it to any UNKNOWN human, if he/she asked me for help. So, I expressed my empathy without any feelings.

        0

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