Tell Me That It Is True

 TELL ME THAT IT IS TRUE

I told you I loved you. That was not a lie. I meant it when I said it. I meant it every time that I said it, wrote it, messaged it, voice mailed it, gifted it and e-mailed it. I knew how to portray it. That wasn’t hard. There is so much material available for me to know what to say, how to say it, what to do and how to do it. I have seen it when it has been directed at me time and time again. All I had to do was mirror it. I have had enough people fall under my spell and love me so that I recognise love when I see it. It became simple enough to replicate it. My intentions really were noble. I wanted to love you and I gave you the love that I knew that you wanted. I did enough to fathom out how you wanted to be loved. Goodness knows I put in the spadework. I observed you and saw who you interacted with. I followed you to the places you frequented and noted what you ordered most often to eat and to drink. I sat behind you on the bus one time and saw the book that you read. I recognised the author so I went and bought three other of her titles and displayed them at home in readiness to show you and to let you borrow those which you had not read yet. I dispatched a Lieutenant to chat you up and gather more information for me to collate and consider. I trawled the internet looking for your footprints. I sat up late as my phone buzzed and pinged with the messages from other prospects that I was cultivating but I made them wait as I searched for you. I found you and using a reliable false profile in the name of a friend of the opposite sex to me I managed to secure your online friendship. I did not approach you directly, despite the cloak of anonymity. I preferred to walk like a ghost through your cyber world, observing your photographs and establishing the places where they were taken. I noted who your friends were, I highlighted potential competitors and I discerned who your family are. I took in the YouTube postings and when they were timed which told me you enjoyed a few glasses of wine in the evening on your own as you posted musical memories from your teenage years. I walked through your posts and your comments, picking up snippets of information that detailed your devotion to romance, your love of small dogs and your dislike of the cold. Like a silent, vast machine I remained your unseen companion for a month as I sucked up as much information as I could in order to build a picture of you and how you wanted to be loved. Each meme you posted gave me a clue. Every discussion with your friends added further layers as I created the person that would love you. I uploaded to him your interests and made them his. I bolted on the necessary skill sets which would please you. I furnished him with the choice phrases that you wanted to hear. I configured his actions, expressions, behaviours and more that would make him provide you with the love that you wanted to much and once all of this considerable preparatory work was complete I began my seduction.

I loved you. I loved you with passion, desire, attentiveness, excitement, mystery and kindness. All created from the morass of information that I had gathered about you which was layered onto my existing experience from previous relationships and my knowledge of how love operates in the world. I know that it worked. You fell for me hook, line and sinker and you became enveloped in my creation where you flourished, you shone and you bloomed. Your happiness radiated from you like sunbeams, the pleasure you took in us being together was tangible and all of those around us commented as such. It was marvellous, spectacular, wonderful and perfect.

You had no idea that my love was a creation. Why would you when not only did it match your concept of love but driven by my excellence it exceeded it? Why would you challenge something that felt so golden and so glorious? You would not. I gave you this love and you returned it. It was a match made in heaven. It was a transaction that suited us both. You received my scintillating synthetic love and you gave me the love that sustains me, that emotion infused reaction which powers and sustains me. We both were winners.

Was it such a bad thing that what I gave you was a fabrication if it looked like the real thing? I might even go so far as to say that it was even better than the real thing. Am I to be regarded as a bad person for this fraudulent act. Is it not the case that my deceit pleased you? Yes, you did not know about this deceit, you had no awareness of the fabrication but that caused you no harm did it? You saw and you believed and seeing is believing surely?

When I took you in my arms, shielding you from the black day that you had emerged from and you looked into my eyes and saw the love, the devotion and the optimism that burned there, did it really matter that I was mirroring what you showed me so long as it made you happy, elated and feel loved? My optimistic eyes were your optimistic eyes.

When I unleashed my hatred you could not and still do not understand how someone could treat you like that when that person kept saying that he loved you.

It was easy to switch to this vicious malevolence. It was easy to peel back the veneer that was the manufactured love. It was easy to switch off the creation that I made that provided you with this perfect love. A flick of a switch and he ceased to exist, leaving you with something else instead.

I did not lie when I said that I loved you.

I did not lie when I whispered that I loved you.

I did not lie when I shouted that I loved you.

I just did not tell you the truth.

The truth that I never felt love for you.

Because I cannot do that.

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36 thoughts on “Tell Me That It Is True”

  1. Hi HG .. I must say I would get more from you than seeing a therapist .. even though you lie .. I can see that on this site you are being really truthful .. that would be to get the fuel .. attention you need .. and in exchange as I said the best therapy treatment by giving us so called victims closure .. that I have to thank you for ..
    just out of interest what type of victim would keep you interested in for longer ..more than even you would feel comfortable about overstaying your discard .. what would make you rage or has made you rage .. thanks HG I appreciate your honest answer HT

    1. One does not stay beyond a disengagement, the disengagement happens for a valid reason. That victim may be malign hoovered thereafter, but they are not kept within the Formal Relationship because they have been disengaged from.
      I do not tell the truth here to obtain fuel. I do it to convey accuracy about my kind and me and dispel inaccuracies.
      With regard to “interest” in a victim, this means the fulfilment of the Prime Aims. Of course that interest may be benign to malign.

  2. I just watched “What Makes A Psychopath”…….I dread to think what your score on the “psychopathy checklist revised” is HG……no doubt you already know that answer. Anyway, why is it that at about 9 minutes into the programme, someone lifts up a pen from a sheet of paper and the word “TUDOR” is there on the screen???? Diva

    1. Diva,

      I just laughed about your psychopathy checklist comment…

      Actually, HG if you know and would care to share your score on the checklist I would be dying to know.

      I’m ordering it anyway so if you don’t know and you wanna find out… you know who to go to 😜

      1. Hi Dr HQ (I hope you don’t mind the abbreviation – if so just say!!!) yes I would like to know his score too – my guess is that he is mid to late 20s (and I don’t mean his age because he is in his 40’s!) – although he will probably state that he has a score of 40 as he will no doubt want to appear to have done well in the test!!!!……. Ignorance could be bliss in this case…… I have to pretend that he is not actually a narc, or even a real person, let alone a psychopath, just to be able to correspond on this blog…..I read that the cut off point score to whether you are classed as a psychopath is lower in the UK than in the USA????………Diva

  3. I don’t doubt that the narcissist loved me.

    I have come to realise that the isssue is with the feeling that he associates with the word love.

    When he says, “l love you’, what he really means is that he is deeply attracted to the things he feels I should be doing to make him feel good and the control he can exert over me. In return I am to be the vessel for the undesirable aspects of his personality and used as a punch bag on which he can take out his frustrations.
    It’s all about him.
    That’s not love
    It’s different from how a non-pathological person feels love.

  4. UK BBC 2 9pm tonight…….What Makes a Psychopath…..not sure I will be able to watch it…..I barely sleep as it is……Diva

    1. It was an excellent documentary. There was also a documentary on BBC4 about Psychopathy prior to the BBC 2 doc., with a a gruesome doc about Neilson on More 4. Had nightmares that night. Lol.

      1. Hi Scout I really enjoyed that documentary too………the most surprising factor for me were the letters from Ian Brady, his handwriting was like a piece of art. I was amazed at how intelligent and well read he appeared to be …….I wish they would have published those letters or read more of the content. That would have given more of an insight than those prisoners stating the crimes they had committed. I must look up the other programme…..I will watch that during daylight hours!!!!!! Diva

  5. HG,

    Could you elaborate so i understand…

    What is the difference between lying & not telling the truth?

  6. That synthetic love was like heroin cloaked in ecstasy and sprinkled with fentanyl. I was high for years and it was euphoric. We were both winners alright, until he pushed me off the pedestal and into the abyss. It was a long fall to the bottom. Even today I still struggle with cognitive dissonance. He didn’t exist, so who the hell was he? Who was living in my home and sleeping in my bed?

    Luke 8:30
    Jesus asked him, “What is your name?” “Legion,” he replied, because many demons had gone into him.

    I was living in a horror movie.

    1. PS
      Does anyone remember the scene from Indiana Jones: The Temple of Doom, where the guy gets his heart ripped out and he gets thrown into the fire pit?

      Well, the next time a narcissist comes any where near my heart, I am gonna rip my (steal) heart out of my own chest and beat him about the head with it, as I shout, “liar!’ KALI MAAAAAA! Liar! KALI MAAAAA! Never again will I be duped!

      1. Omg that’s all I remember from any Indiana jones…

        The ripping of the heart scene lmao

  7. The Narcs CAN love. Yes. And when they do it, it is pretty recognizable.

    Many Narcs like to be infatuated. It is pretty easy, pleasant, thrilling, NOT dangerous for them. All those serenades, attention, flowers, “love” words…perfect!

    But when Narcs fall in real LOVE, they do it HARD. And it isn’t pleasant and thrilling for them at all…

    Their love makes them feel VULNERABLE.

    Their love makes them feel, that they are loosing CONTROL. Upon themselves. Upon you.

    Their love re-surfaces their internal wounds and SCARES them to death.

    And they would FIGHT. With themselves and…with you.

    If Narcs fall in love ON FIRST SIGHT, it wouldn’t be ANY “serenades” or “gold period” at all.

    They would do ANYTHING to get rid of their love. It would be an “illogical” bullying from the beginning. Sarcastic words. Nasty behavior. Extreme changes of mood. Provocations. They would push and pull. Themselves and…you.

    They would try to find the double meaning in your words and behavior. It would seem, as if everything you say and everything you do ANNOYS and INFURIATES them.

    They would desperately try to find YOUR flaws. Not beautiful. Not smart. Liar. Slut. Bad cooker… Anything to start to HATE you for. Anything to be FREE from you. Anything to be FREE from their love.

    They would try to force you to HATE THEM, hoping that your hate could help them to kill their love.

    If Narcs fall in love in CURRENT relationship (after infatuation and propper “golden period”), they would do the same – FIGHT. The certain amounts of devaluations and discards are caused exactly by Narcs’ love.

    When people say “Love hurts”, they often mean the Narc’s love. The Normals can submit to love relatively easy, they aren’t afraid to be vulnerable and lose control. They don’t have the internal “demons” and the love empowers them! But it is another story for a Narcs. In most cases, they kill their love, “killing” the person who evokes it in them… And they are very successful doing it!

    Girls, I recommend you the book, that describes the “love and war dynamic” between Narc and Empath – “Once and Always” (1987) by Judith McNaught.

    The autor herself was a Narc’s wife, so her description of Narc’s character (relatively “benign” sociopath in that case) is pretty accurate.

    That story (of course! lol) has the “happy end” and like my friend said “Ahh… I want such love story for myself!”. And then I asked her “Are you sure you can handle it? Are you sure you can survive it?”…

    The truth is that 99% of “ends” are not “happy”…

  8. If you did not tell the truth, which is that you cannot love, then you DID lie. Every one of you is a liar. Not only can you not love, you also cannot tell the truth, even when you’re supposedly revealing the truth apparently.

    It’s getting easier and easier to suss out you narcs. I thank you for that, HG.

  9. I’m reading FUEL right now. Wow. Point value system explanation = priceless.

    The thought crosses my mind that I’m subsisting on the Methadone of the Narc relationship by continuing to read about what I’ve dealt with. I’m keeping The Mixture potent and that’s counter productive.

    Mitigating that, I’ve learned so much about myself and gave myself pats for all the things I did do correctly that got me here.

    Is it possible to be Dirty Carrier Super Empath? I understand my own cadre/school less than I understand His and frankly MINE should be more important. I have more Amazon credit available, if perhaps you could suggest my next book for examining myself. I finished N/C, Escape and Black Hole.

    Thank you in advance for your assistance.

  10. Thanks for this article it made me feel sad and angry too. I felt sad that a person has to break their back doing all that research and gleaning information to make a fake profile and fake relationship. A normal relationship isn’t like this people just get to know one another naturally. That is pure sad. Can you not rely on yourself to just do it now that you have lots of experience do you really have to do all that research on everyone? You didn’t with the troubled girl with the chopped hair you just spotted her.

    I am angry about the idea that it doesn’t hurt anyone. I believe the stress and weirdness of the whole thing can result in the non narc becoming ill getting cancer, mental breakdowns etc. That is total shit to bulldoze into someone’s life and attempt to kill them we all have to die sometime but it shouldn’t be because of this kind of nastiness. Not to mention the effect it can have on children phew.

    I have a lot of questions swirling around about lies and different types and your view on your type which is probably different from normal. People lie not to get into trouble or social lies and this would be anxious making and stressful for them. If you lie then because you don’t feel guilty or in fact it makes you feel powerful and good then theoretically it would have no effect on your health. Are you in full physical health? no bad back, sinus problems, throat, chest – say something sarcastic back just for the fun haha

    1. No, it is not necessary to always do the research. Sometimes the ‘kill’ can be achieved more readily thus there isn’t a need for as much research. As one becomes more effective and climbs the greasy pole of life, then certain things do indeed come easier.

  11. Okay, this only endears me to the narcissist because it completely leaves out the amount of cruelty that is surely to follow. My first response after reading was “awwwwww! that breaks my heart” but then I thought, “wait a second….all that fake love ends and then you’ll crush me!”

    You are teaching me well, HG!! I would never have caught that before finding you. I would’ve gone along feeling pity and trying even harder to fix your kind. I would’ve insisted on wiping your manufactured tears away while you excused yourself to go to the restroom to text another woman.

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