The Relational Tower

THE RELATIONAL TOWER.jpg

 

I sit up on high in my Relational Tower. I can see so much from this throne.

I look to the north and see the golden and shimmering lines which extend from me to my loyal subjects across the land. I see my supporters, my followers and my coterie going about their daily lives but all the while connected to me. They feel such privilege to be linked to me, their liege and I feed on that sense of privilege and the admiration and that adoration which is entwined around it.

I look to the south and see yet more lines of sparkling gold which link between me and my most devout lieutenants. From my vantage point I can signal to them and they will obey, carrying out my commands, executing my diktats and honouring my instructions. It is a source of great comfort to gaze in their direction and observe their industry on my behalf.

I look to the east and frown at the assembled legions which march towards me. The malcontents, the rejected, the fools and the idiots, all those who have taken up against me and now march in the expectation that they will unseat me. Yet further lines span out from me to these traitors. Dark purple lines, nearly invisible against the glowering firmament, these multitudinous lines which have those transgressors permanently attached to me and through which I pull, twist and yank. They moan, they wail and they lament their fate but there is no hope for any other for these are those who bear the stain of betrayal, the putrid stench of sedition emanates from their shambling frames. Let them come, let them advance towards me and I shall watch them as they break against my tower, like waves against the rocks as they are sent scattering and dissipating into so much spray. I watch them from afar, sometimes commanding my lieutenants to enter the fray to cajole and direct, a myriad of gold and purple shimmering and glinting as the lines combine. From time to time the purple becomes golden as by my most glorious bounty I bestow the wondrous joy upon the select few.

I look to the west and there I see you. You shine with such glory, the golden line between you and I fizzing with effervescence. A thick line which coils about your wrists, torso and throat, sending that precious essence towards me. There are days when that connection will dim to the purple of guilt, the thick line becoming stretched and thinned, but never ever breaking. I watch you as you journey towards me, face upturned, eyes rapturous, hands outstretched as the light burns brighter and those who are less than me would struggle to gaze upon you, but I always will. Though I may turn my face away from you from time to time, my dark eyes will always look for you.

I watch you all as you journey towards me, the supporters, the lieutenants, the outcasts and you. I can see it all from this elevated position as I organise, direct and orchestrate. I know what you want. I know what you all want, each and every one of you.

I am attached to you all, you are bound to me, some tighter than others, some with those chains which bite and burn, others who raise no objection to their silken bondage, but all are bound to me. I made it so. I wanted that. I am connected to so many of you. I have a relationship with each and every one. Our relational proximity varies from stranger to intimate partner, from minion to inner circle friend, from colleague to family member and so on. Relationships. I have them by the hundred and create more each day, reaching out with my tendrils of gold and purple in order to remain exactly where I want to be – at the centre in my tower.

I know why you all head towards me. You want to enter this tower and thus gain admittance to me. You wish to unlock the vast gate and pass through the imposing portal to enable you to climb the winding stone steps, each time passing without hindrance or complication through the many doors and gates which guard my inner sanctum.

I know you want to enter my inner sanctum.

Some of you want to cradle what you find there. Some of you wish to possess what your eyes will rest upon. Some of you wish to claim a portion for yourselves and be forever imbued with its effects. Some of you wish to release what is in this inner sanctum. Some of you wish to understand what lies there. Some of you wish to destroy what is revealed.

Whatever it might be, the hundreds of relationships which I have, no matter how long, how strong and how tightly bound or otherwise these may be all seek to enter my Relational Tower and penetrate the inner sanctum.

This cannot happen.

I made this tower. I built it high. I built the walls deep and thick, constructed from the stones of denial and the slabs of deflection all held in place with the mortar of fuel. I fashioned the thick timbers of the door from projection, the timber bolted together through triangulation and the lock created from a steely gaze and iron resolve. The heavy bar that is set against it arose from the blame-shifting. I have set many traps and pitfalls within this tower in order to prevent anybody reaching the inner sanctum. The stone steps are smeared with vitriol, the walls spiked with character assassination, cauldrons wait to pour their heated fury onto you and cast you in deep pits of despair. The stone is so thick that there is only ever silence here, it as if the very walls are giving you a cold and baleful stare. Everything that I have learned will be used to impede your progress, hamper and hinder you so you may not ever reach that inner sanctum.

I know you all want to go there. I know you want to reach deep inside of me, into my inner sanctum but I must not allow it. I dare not. I cannot admit anybody. Ever.

I built this tower high. I built it thick. I made it impenetrable.

I built it to keep you out.

I built it to keep me in.

We are always connected but so long as I remain in my Relational Tower in such splendid isolation then my inner sanctum remains preserved and so do I.

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60 thoughts on “The Relational Tower”

  1. Are narcissists afraid they will ultimately disappear if anyone were to ever successfully get past all the set traps?
    That one might just dissipate into the ether?

  2. Out of context question. Probably rhetorical. Prince comes to mind reading this. Was he a narcissist? If so, greater? I am seeing them “everywhere” now.

  3. J’adore!
    But…
    Where is the Creature?

    “I built it to keep me in.”
    The Creature is yourself?
    YOUR real SELF?

      1. HG describes “the creature” in one of his books. I can’t remember which one now because I have read so many of them. . . I’m going blind with all the reading! (speed reading, HG!. . . ) 😉

  4. it’s lonely at the top HG… fearing true connections with other people is more harmful (to one’s self and to others as well) then one would admit to themselves. Not everyone you let in your inner sanctum hurts you or destroys it. only toxic people do that. It’s just a matter of not letting toxic folks in there but not hurting the non-toxic folks that visit.

      1. I am glad. I don’t like it when anyone is lonely. It’s a sad place to be. . . I should know.

    1. Diva
      True, but your comment made me stop and wonder how many of us live in prisons of our own design? I know I have often found myself in one.

      1. Hi Windstorm……I agree with you entirely……I too keep myself locked away both mentally and physically as much as I can……..that is why I made the statement that I did, I did not have to dwell on it for too long. I have stated before that the empath and narc have much in common….and they do…..but for different reasons. Anytime that I venture out of my prison, I get pounced on by a narc or an extreme religious nutter……..I just have one of those faces!!!!!! If I let anyone into my prison…….I struggle to get them to leave……I am not joking when I state that I don’t even answer the door if someone rings the bell. Unless you have a prior appointment and I know beforehand who is on the other side of the door….they do not get in nor do I even go and look to see who it is. As bizarre as it sounds…….that is what I have to resort to, due to circumstances and to deflect and avoid. I too am warden and inmate of Castello Diva………..

      2. Ha, ha, Diva! I’m just as bad or worse when it comes to neighbors. I work hard at being the crazy, aloof neighbor no one knows about, even whether I’m home or not. I don’t ever talk to anyone unless they have knocked and set the dogs off. In my neighborhood that seems prudent because of crime. The less my neighbors know about me seems the better.

      3. Anytime that I venture out of my prison, I get pounced on by a narc or an extreme religious nutter……..I just have one of those faces!!!!!! If I let anyone into my prison…….I struggle to get them to leave……I am not joking when I state that I don’t even answer the door if someone rings the bell. Unless you have a prior appointment and I know beforehand who is on the other side of the door….they do not get in nor do I even go and look to see who it is.

        This is just too freaky! I could have spoken those exact words! This is MY LIFE! I was reading, not too long ago, about how it used to be when the doorbell rang – say, back 40 years or more – we used to jump up and be excited about someone coming around. “come on in, what can I get you to drink? eat?” how exciting to have a friend just drop by. Now, when the doorbell rings we think “who the hell is THAT?! I’m not going to answer the door! I’m not expecting anyone!!!” Sad times we are living in.

      4. Hey RS…….If you saw the “specimens” that lurk on the other side of my door you would understand!!!!! (I hope none of my neighbours are on this blog!!!!) I have a feeling that you would be a very interesting visitor……make sure you give me advance warning and my door will be open!!!!! ……….Diva

      5. make sure you give me advance warning and my door will be open!!!!!

        I will indeed!! How fun it would be to hang out with you. The stories we could tell each other would keep us in stitches. Those laughs that are so hard you can’t breath! If you’re ever in Arizona, my door is always open to you as well. 😃

      6. That’s very true, WS2. I know I certainly have a tower around me. I only let a very select few in anymore.

  5. I am struck that Joni’s song, “Cactus Tree” is a feminine narcissistic equivalent of your Relational Tower. The world she describes is perhaps more curvilinear rather than the hard rectilinear lines of your structure and her words evoke softer colors, but similar threads are woven thru each. While this has always been one of my favourite songs (reliably swelling me with emotion every time I hear it), it resonates and aches in a deeper way, now that I experience the lyrics thru your lens. There is so much to be seen and learned thru it. “And her heart is full and hollow, like a cactus tree” Thank you for your lens, HG.

    1. I have never heard that song before, I will have to look it up. You write so well. I am envious. I so admire those who can paint a vivid picture with words. There are many on here that can. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t post my simple thoughts. It’s like comparing the writing of one in grade school to one in college.

      1. My mother took four years of Latin and knew what every word meant and how to spell it. They say that 70% of the English language comes from Latin. (I used to ask her the definitions for my school vocabulary homework. It would have helped me more if I had looked them up). She read a book a day, had beautiful penmanship and could write the most articulate letters. I wish I had followed in her footsteps. . . God, I miss her so much! I think that is why I admire H G’s writing and others on here who are so descriptive. I just purchased a thesaurus. 😊

  6. that is…nobody can go into…otherwise we wull see you reality the reality of N…and even you dont want see that.
    the poor and empty lonely N..the evil and pathetic N..the hipocrit and fake N..the nothing
    Im talking about my personal expirience ..but i see they are all rhe same

  7. Always liked this piece of writting. It evokes my childhood memories…

    I remember I became aware of “towers” when I was 13 or 14. I started to sense them in people.
    When I was spending my summer vacation with my grandparents, I asked my grandmother “Why the people build their towers? Why is it so hard and painful to reach them there? How can I reach them?”

    She said “The people have to protect themselves. We all have our own towers…”
    “Why, but I don’t have the tower…”
    “Who? You? Oh, dear… You built the unusually big tower for your young age! Don’t you see it?”
    “Who? Me? Ohh…”

    Then she said “If you want to reach the people in their “towers”, you have to learn how to “walk” through walls… But anyway, you are going to meet some pain there. Is your curiousity worth it? You have to think twice before doing it”…

    I didn’t sleep that night and thought about “towers”. It was an early morning and I decided to go out. When I opened the front door, I found my Grandpatrinarc sitting on the porch steps and watching the ongoing sunrise. I sat next to him.

    He asked “Sleepless night?”
    I said “Uh huh”.
    “What bothers you?”
    “Towers”.
    “Ah, I see. We all have them”.
    “Do you let the people in, grandpa?”
    “No, never. And I advise you to do the same”.
    “But I realized, that having “tower”, you are like a prisoner there. Can you leave your tower?”
    “No. I have to be on top of my “tower” and control everything. Everyone has to see me there. If people realize I’m not there, I’ll lose my power. That’s why I can’t sleep normally, by the way”.
    “If you knew the way how to leave your “tower” unnoticed, would you do that? Do you want to be free from that “prison”? For a minute, for an hour, for a day?”
    “Hmm…interesting question. I guess, yes. But how? Any suggestions, my little smarty?”
    “To make the copy doll of you and position it on the top of your “tower”! Everyone would think it is you! And you would get the opportunity to leave the “tower” for a while and enjoy the freedom!”
    “Lmaaaaao! So simple, huh? You are something…”.

    Then my grandmother joined us. She sat next to us and asked “What’s funny?”. Laughing, my grandfather conveyed our conversation to her and added “See, darling! It is MY genes!”. My grandmother smiled and said “Ours, darling. OURS.” He smiled to her and said “Ours”…

    And then we sat silently there, holding one another hands, watching the sunrise and thinking about life and “towers”…

    Good old times.

      1. The father’s line:
        My father is a Narc.
        His sister (my aunt) is a Narc (covert).
        Her son (my cousin) is a Narc.

        The mother’s line:
        My mother isn’t a Narc, but she is not the kind and loving type of woman also.
        Her brother (my uncle) is a Narc.
        Their father (my grandpa) is a Narc.

        There are pretty “suspucious” distant relatives also, but I don’t interact with them enough to make my own opinion.

        I know I know, a lot of them. Lol.

      2. Noname
        I reread your comment on Impregnate and you had one “good” grandmother, thank God! I am happy she loved you and was the sun in your black world. That was nice to read.

        My grandparents, parents, my twin, an older sister and all my uncles and aunts and many of my cousins are/were narcissists. I stay away from my family as much as I can, too! They are all nuts!

      3. K, despite having so many narcs in ur family, u turned out to b truly empathic. That is v commendable.

      4. I see that you have an “interesting” life also, K!

        If you don’t mind, if it isn’t painful to you, please, share your childhood stories. It would be very interesting to read them.

      5. Noname
        I don’t mind sharing my childhood stories and will try to post more of them in the future. Some are humorous and many aren’t but I think it is important to share, so others can understand the dynamic. It, also, helps me when I read the comments that others post because I do not feel so alone anymore.

      6. Thank you, Jenna! It is very interesting to see how we all turned out as a result of NPD abuse. And I am surprised at how empathic I turned out to be, considering I was raised by lesser narcissists.

      7. I cannot see anything but narcs when I shake my family tree. They just keep falling out. Many aha moments. One being, I have always wanted to NOT care and “succeed.” Never happens. I also wondered (googled but figured psssh..) if being en emPATH is actually pathological? ikr late to the party if that was common knowledge. bc in socioPATH or psychoPATH, clearly it is not a good thing and a disorder. is ours? it certainly can be and is debilitating. esp growing up immersed in a sea of narcs. :/

      8. Tappan Zee
        Ha, ha! Sometimes it may seem like a disease! The Greek root “path” has two different meanings – “disease” and “feeling” (wonder how many philosophers have discussed that one over the centuries!). Empath supposedly means “shared feelings” because we pickup on and share the feelings of others. Likewise “apath” means “no feelings.” However the path in sociopath or psychopath means disease.

        Personally I see the ironic connection that even though our “paths” mean different things we are attracted to each other.

    1. Noname: What a fantastic story! What a great memory. Thank you so much for sharing it. Yet another one on this blog that can paint a beautiful picture with her words. So envious!

  8. Hi H G, I have a question for you.
    Why would a greater admit to being a sociopath?
    He wasn’t asked but he knew that I knew, I’m almost positive on that, but why?
    My brain is on overdrive, so many questions I have its ridiculous. I am going to email you very soon for a private consult, losing my mind!

  9. One of my favorites. I feel so sad for ur victims. It also breaks my heart that deep down u feel so vulnerable that u cannot let anybody in.

  10. I built my tower with stone quarried from truth, and the stones are held together with compassion and kindness. The doorway to understanding is open and welcomes you inside. The center of my tower holds the moral compass that radiates the light and the windows reflect the honesty that resides within. All that is decent and caring is housed under a canopy of love. I built this tower high. I built it on a foundation of hatred and rage. I built it to keep me safe. I built it to protect me from becoming one of your kind.

    I am the tower.

    1. “I built my tower with stone quarried from truth, and the stones are held together with compassion and kindness.
      The doorway to understanding is open and welcomes you inside.
      The center of my tower holds the moral compass that radiates the light and the windows reflect the honesty that resides within.
      All that is decent and caring is housed under a canopy of love.”

      (K)

      You are so beautiful.

      “The center of my tower holds the moral compass that radiates the light and the windows reflect the honesty that resides within.”

      (K)

      Beautiful.

      1. Thank you, Jenna!
        I feel the gentleness in your soul and kindness in your words when I read your comments. You radiate love like the sun.

    2. K
      I love the description of your tower! Great analogy!
      I have built a similar one, but mine was built on hope and determination rising out of fear and despair. Mine is open on all sides to nature, beautiful song birds constantly fly in and out. The light of truth and honesty reflecting off the windows is very uncomfortable for the dishonest, so while narcs may come in and visit – they never stay long.

      1. WS2
        Thank you! I was inspired by HG. Hope and determination is a good foundation. It is quite interesting how fear and despair have affected you and made you into the person you are; free to be open on all sides, so beautiful song birds can fly in and out. How peaceful. And you are correct; the light of truth and honesty makes the dishonest uncomfortable. It reflects their lies. Narcs do come and visit and they stay long enough to destroy you, if you let them.

    1. There is nothing wrong with purple, on the contrary its use as the ‘bad’ colour should be regarded as a mark of approval.

  11. Hi HG , I love your writing , sometimes make me feel vulnerable and scared , but is a very profound description of your world , your inside , your mind .
    I have a question , your intimate male friend , your lieutenant is a narcissist either ? Or are they / he empat people ?
    I never understood the whole life long friendship of my N ex . They were very close , but ” the friend” tried to make see what mi ex was . That was unloyal , distressing , at the same time they have been close for 40 years and ,when I use to tell my partner ” I do not like your friend talking to me about you ” , my defended him and was angry at me . I do not understand this dynamic .
    Thank you

    1. Thank you Paula, I have narcissists who are Lieutenants and also empathic people. Horses for courses, naturally.

  12. Wordplay was a favorite past time for me and my Cerebral. We enjoyed metaphors and puns and double entendres in our banter.

    This post reminds me of the relational tower he said that I was in. He pegged me as a well-guarded stronghold and himself as the special forces predestined to breech the fortifications. More spot-on narcissistic bullshit.

    1. Sorry. I hit send too soon. My cerebral also said to me he is the “unstoppable force pressing against the temporarily immovable object of my obsession”.

      Narcissistic bullshit indeed! Damn cerebrals.

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