Early Warning Detector


How much did the last narcissist cost you? Thousands in “borrowed money”? Thousands in legal fees/therapy costs? Hours of wasted time deliberating and analysing? Time lost which would have been better spent with your children, your extended family and your friends. Time away from work? Time tied up in court proceedings?

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25 thoughts on “Early Warning Detector

  1. Merripen says:

    I am really enjoying this feeling of his unknowable behaviours suddenly being demystified. Tappan Zee is so right – cookie cutter responses, once we know what to look for. The more information like this I garner, the more my trajectory changes. It moves me another degree away from the agony. It’s funny in a way, too, that I accused my narc of pulling my strings like I was his private marionette. It seems that I (albeit unknowingly) was was also making him react with reliable responses.

    I like the graphic.

  2. Brian says:

    Can I ask you a few questions about sleeping in the other room or on the sofa?
    Is it just another manipulation or does it mean the discard is on it’s way?
    It is done to get an emotional reaction but are there other reasons?
    Does it mean the narcissist has a new prospective IPPS for example.

    Does sleeping in the other room ever happen early on, or after a few years?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      1. By all means.
      2. It is a manipulation. You are in devaluation which means if you are an IPPS that disengagement will occur at some point but it is not imminent.
      3. It is done for fuel and control.
      4. Not always.
      5. It depends on how well-fucitoning the primary source is.

  3. Brian says:

    I would have passed these tests when I was about 22
    but now I would see these behaviours as red flags and not make excuses for them.
    The repeatedly messing with the phone and innapropriate smiling and chatting to the waiter is what narcissists do in restaurants.

    1. Brian says:

      Actually, taking another look at the article it says “even a minimum would irk the narcissist”
      OK I would probably pass the test now then, I would only get a bad feeling if it was done innapropriately.

    2. gabbanzobean says:

      Brian, my mid ranger did this all the time. I attributed it to his friendliness. Ugh. 🙄

      1. Brian says:

        Did he show friendliness to the hot waitress and devalue the men or unattractive females?

        1. gabbanzobean says:

          He showed extreme friendliness toward her. The service was terribly slow and she kept forgetting to check on us, refill drinks etc but it was really busy and they were def understaffed. He didn’t speak negative or complain or devalue. Despite less than stellar service he was so polite and charming and friendly. He wanted to order dessert but I told him I was full. He said he was going to order it to go for himself then. He then asked the waitress what her fave dessert on the menu was and he ordered that. I honestly thought he was just being polite. He was always so polite. To everyone. He’d randomly say hi and smile to total strangers. I’ve never seen him cut down or be negative to anyone in public even behind their back after they walked away.

          “I’m the nicest guy you’ll ever meet Gabrielle” he said that to me frequently. Ugh.

      2. Brian says:

        If you feel like it was innappropriate it probably was.
        Like who cares what her favourite is, they might have different tastes, sounds like mirroring! He might have contacted her behind your back and congratulated her on her reccomendation. Who knows?
        When I go to a restaurant and the waiter is an attractive male we have to go into where he is from, his life story.. ad nauseum.

        1. gabbanzobean says:

          Yes the conversations like she was sitting AT the table with us. He asked her tons of questions about herself. Then it was “you’re here on shift until 2am? Wow you must be so tired by then, I give you a lot of credit for dealing with this type of work”….. I believe I heard most of her life story as I waited patiently for her to finally retreat. The place was already busy and far behind, I am sure he was keeping her from checking on the rest of her tables. I think he talked to her more than he did to me. But as I said he was like that with everyone. He would say hi to strangers in the parking lot and ask how they were doing.

          He would spot them from afar and say to me “Oh that person does not look too friendly, I think he is staring me down and feels threatened by me. He looks like he’s going to take out his phone and call the police or something. He must think I am some shady guy up to no good…” I did even notice other passerbys! I am like “what? where?” he points across the parking lot and says “that man over there”. We walk toward the restaurant and he passes the person, nods his head and says so charming and politely “Good evening sir, how are you tonight?” and flashes his smile. The guy nodded back and said “fine, thank you, have a nice evening” and kept on walking past us.

          And yeah at the time I thought nothing of it. Okay overly friendly. But a Narc? I never knew what that word even meant before I found this blog. I figured it was someone who liked the way they looked and were egotistical of themselves. He had a horrid self esteem and put himself down constantly. I never put 2 and 2 together there until I came here to read the articles. I figured he was just an overly friendly polite guy. Also he lives in the south where people tend to be more friendly so I also attributed to that (I am a Northerner, people are def. less friendly in my area…so whenever I travel to the South the friendliness feels weird to me since I am not used to it)….I also figured this was just the “stereotypical nice Southern gentleman”. And my friend who knows him (which is how I met him) just laughs and says “Oh him? He is just a flirt! It’s his personality, he is harmless!”

          Yeah. Harmless indeed. Meh.

      3. Brian says:

        yeah that ‘asking tons of questions’ behavior is triangulation abuse in my opinion.
        If you’re so interested in waiter’s life stories then go to the restaurant by yourself and have at it 😀 lol

        1. gabbanzobean says:

          Hahahahaha!!! But what fun would that be? They need to triangulate right? I cannot believe that his wife tolerates that crap!

      4. Brian says:

        What happens when you say ‘no’ to your narcissist?

  4. Tappan Zee says:

    100% playbook material. The more I learn here the more cookie cutter they are, and the more validated, yes but also creeped out that they fit such an assembly line similarity. It’s everpresent how narcs are like a car lot of vehicles all different makes and models for sale or lease. Some fully loaded. Some not. Still? All the same under the hood. Weird. Odd. Bizarre. Scary. Freeing (with knowledge) once I stop tripping up on my emotions.

  5. Jenna says:

    The mid-ranger is dismissive abt most of these. Very cowardly.

  6. RS says:

    This was very helpful. I printed it out and will refer to it often. Thank you, HG!

  7. gabbanzobean says:

    Oh my Gawd #5: he constantly asked me about my childhood when I tried to learn more about his!!!!

    HG, are you able to share any suggestions for specific questions to ask a mid range Narc about his childhood?

  8. Gwyneth says:

    My ex, who I believe to be a lesser narc, went into great detail about how horrible his childhood was on our first date. His dad was shot and killed during a mugging on narc’s 8th bday. Mom kind of lost it. Narc and his brother ran wild, drinking, getting in trouble. No supervision. Eventually his mom was told by a juvenile judge that she needed to send them to a boarding school that could help w psych and behavior problems. She chose one and sent the boys sight unseen. Turns out it was horribly abusive and there have been books and movies about it. She never visited for 4 years. But he adores his mom now. If she says jump, he asks how high. This didn’t strike me as narc behavior right away. Yes it was odd, but I was happy he was so open and as an empath and codependent, I wanted to show him so much unconditional love and consistency and kindness. His story totally sucked me in. But it doesn’t fit any of the descriptions here. Isn’t there a type of narc who plays the victim?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Yes that is the Victim Cadre.

  9. Kim michaud says:

    Also should have said know idea he was a narc not narcsite

  10. Kim michaud says:

    I’m a Gina lol that should say I said the stupidest thing I could have said early on

  11. Kim michaud says:

    I said the stupidest thing I’m I Gina be early on I actually said to him “at what age did you realize you were special?” Of course he loved that and rolled with it I had no idea he was a narcsite and I have no idea what possessed me to say that no wonder he choose me as a source

  12. Amanda says:

    Is it possible for a narc to have some characteristics from both the mid range and the greater? I am trying to classify him and he seems to fall into both?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      A narcissist may have characteristics from one or more schools, because certain characteristics appear in all schools, for example, all narcissists use silent treatments but Mid Rangers use them extensively. Some traits only belong in one school but a narcissist may have traits drawn from different schools with a PREVAILING school which they belong to.

      1. Amanda says:

        Thank you

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