Who Is Sleeping In Your Bed?




I am asleep and you are not. There I am. Sound asleep, eyes closed in blissful repose seemingly unaffected by what unfolded earlier. My chest rises and falls in a slow rhythm, my breathing relaxed and regular. There may come a time when you want to halt that breathing. You may wish to place one of those full pillows across my peaceful face and press down with all your strength and will. You may wish to press it tight against my mouth and nose, leaning what bodyweight you have in order to prevent my frantic scrabbling hands from ripping away the pillow so I can breathe once again. That desire, although you will not do it, few have the willpower to see it through, may well appear time and time again and sooner than you think. The image of snuffing out such a toxic life through the concerted application of something so innocuous as a pillow. It is unlikely to be the only image which takes up residence in your head. Pictures of slips off cliffs, a hit and run, a toaster in the bath, some obscure and undetectable poison administered in a setting where there would be more suspects that Cluedo. So many murderous scenarios which you may well come to envisage say exactly as you are now. In our bed. In the middle of the night.

I sleep soundly, the sleep of the just and the righteous. The earlier incident has not troubled me. Or is it that I have fallen asleep in the stupor of drink, the alcoholic fumes having coaxed me into a coma? Then again, might it be a reliance on certain prescription drugs that I repeatedly avail myself of which has rendered me dead to the world? It may be any of those things, but whichever it is, I am asleep and you are not. You remain awake because you cannot sleep. You are sat, knees drawn to your chest, eyes fixed on me as your mind whirls. Amongst all the tumbling thoughts, the whirling considerations and the surging memories, one thought above all dominates, repeats and looms large.

Who is he?

What has prompted such earnest consideration? It was an isolated incident. Perhaps a savage rebuke when all seemed peaceful. A pleasant day that suddenly was torn apart by the acidic tongue which sprayed cutting remarks in your direction. You remember how I looked. It did not seem like me. I appeared possessed. Eyes darkened, brow furrowed, mouth twisted and expression set in one of hatred. You had never witnessed that before. In fact, you found the way I looked more frightening than what I said. Where did that come from? You are struggling to remember how the argument began. Something to do with not listening, that was it, but how it escalated. The irritation lasted but a moment before anger, rage and fury erupted and you found yourself shrinking away from this verbal violence. This had never happened before. Everything had been so wonderful. Yes, you had heard a couple of people remark about my temper but in all those blissful months you had never seen it appear once. Even during testing times, I remained calm, serene, almost glacial at times when the pressure mounted. That was part of why you admired me. My ability to keep my head. So what just happened but a few hours earlier? Who was that? It did not seem like me, but it had to have been me, there was nobody else in the room.

Now you sit in the still of the bedroom. The low glow from the lamp to your left shining across my features. There is no anger etched upon my face now. I look just how I always look when I sleep, as if nothing in the world could matter. You have often stayed up and watched over me, happy to stroke my chest or my brow, my occasional murmurs of satisfaction and the slight upturning of my mouth denoting the contentment that I derive from your attentive ministrations. So, I lie there, just as I would any other night. Sleeping. Calm. Tranquil. I am just the same as I always am on every other night when you have watched over me. Yet, still the question comes again. Who was that who appeared earlier?

Following the eruption, I went out and left you. You did not know what to do at first. You felt shell-shocked. Once you had gathered yourself you telephoned your best friend and explained what had happened, providing her with every detail of the wonderful day beforehand and every frame of the storm which blew up in an instant.

“Oh it’s nothing,” she said in her familiar reassuring voice, “couples argue, Pete and me we are always having rows. Let him cool off, he will be fine. Now, tell me about that new book you mentioned the other day, is it any good.”

Your best friend brushed it off. Perhaps she was right. After all, don’t all couples fall out at some time? Of course. Your parents did not do so, not often anyway, so perhaps you have an unrealistic idea of how you should get on together. Despite her reassurances you remained worried and called your sister.

“Blimey, that is a surprise,” she remarked after hearing your recollection, “he is always so lovely, I didn’t think he had it in him. He will be back. They always come back, he is probably feeling a bit of a tit for shouting at you and just needs to go and have a beer or something. Seriously, it is nothing to worry about.”

But worry you did. The succession of calls was made to other friends, your brother and your grandmother. They all rolled out reassurance and posited platitude in order to assuage your concerns.

“Oh don’t be so sensitive, you’ve had your first argument, welcome to the club.”

“I bet he is stressed, probably working too hard, you did say he has been working long hours recently. I bet he comes back with an apology and flowers. Just give him some space for an hour or two.”

“I would go berserk if I had to live with you sis, no, seriously, he is just letting off steam, you two are great together.”

“Oh your granddad had a foul temper but we never went to bed on an argument. That’s how we were married for fifty years. You expect too much; you have to work at a relationship my dear.”

They all thought along similar lines. It is part and parcel of a relationship. It just hurts because it is the first time. You want to hug me and say sorry for worrying so much but you do not want to disturb me. You chastise yourself for thinking too much into it. Of course, you always over-think things and as everybody said I came back. I returned after a couple of hours, smiled and took you in my arms as if nothing had happened. You did not want to talk about the incident. That black mark on an otherwise golden day and therefore you did not. Your relief at my smiling return was so great you did not want to let go of me and we stood hugging for several minutes. The rest of the evening passed with dinner and a film before heading to bed together where I fell asleep in an instant.

I showed no concern at what had gone on. There was no apology but you didn’t mind. You hadn’t any desire to re-visit what had happened, at least you did not want to do so with me, but you have not been able to help doing so for the last two hours as you have sat here in bed, looking at me, wondering and pondering. Those words were so venomous, that expression so hateful, even now the memory makes you feel on edge. Still, everybody you spoke to reassured you and they must be right mustn’t they, if they all thought along similar lines? People who have had longer relationships than you. They clearly know something about it and everybody played it down. It must be you over-reacting to a spat, a frightening one, but perhaps that was all it was. A one-off. An isolated incident. You hope it is because you did not like that person who I turned into, not one bit. You do not want to meet him again. He is not the person you fell in love with. He is not the person you adore and care for. He is not the person you moved in with and want to be with for the rest of your life. You did not recognise him. Whoever he was, he does not belong in your bed.

There I sleep. At ease. Content. Untroubled. You think you know me. You think you know who sleeps in your bed with you.

You have no idea.

That’s how easily it starts and neither you or anybody else knows the truth of who is sleeping in your bed.

125 thoughts on “Who Is Sleeping In Your Bed?

  1. analise13 says:

    I understand your reasoning to be near exits, Diva.

    I am sorry for those horrible experiences you had.

    I don’t think you are an arsonist at all.

  2. RS says:

    C*: And facing away from the victim…..

    They all act like spoiled, privileged children and I want to shout from the roof tops. . . ‘ENOUGH ALREADY! GROW UP!”

  3. RS says:

    I was being quasi-facetious. My mid-ranger mopped the floor with my ass, so I wouldn’t mess around with a greater. It is like asking for an ass kicking. My ass still hurts. Dr. Q is far braver than I.

    I have gotten to the point where I can barely remember the hurt anymore. I am so tired of being a victim and hearing about how it’s all about them. THEY are always the victor… Bullshit! I’m telling you, right now I’m in the mood to kick some ass!

    1. K says:

      That’s the spirit! Go kick some ass! Great news! My ass is getting better by the day. I just need to get my soul back and then I will be fine.

  4. RS says:

    Dr. Q: If there is some kind of apology or they do SOMETHING that tries to make up for it – I probably won’t be as nasty – however if it is a pattern – I don’t let shit go.

    Yes, I know…

    I’m very ODD.

    Odd? I don’t think so! I need to take a few lessons from YOU! I need to toughen up. I’m tired of being stepped on like a bug!

  5. RS says:

    Diva: if you have to lock someone up to keep them in or out……they are probably not your soul mate after all.

    Too true!! 😁​

  6. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    For the record. I would like to state that being a psychopath is human variation – neurodiversity. There are psychopaths that do good things – aren’t destructive- and who are prosocial.

    A few psychopaths and sociopaths came to my aid today. I would just like to point that out. It is important to realize that not all of them are the assholes we have encountered or experienced.

    1. narc affair says:

      Hi Dr. H…I have wondered this very thing about not necessarily psychopaths but narcissists in general. Every where ive turned for info on narcissists they say they are all destructive and have no real good qualities but its all facade. Its something i have a real hard time believing. This isnt to say you should stay with a narc bc they have some goodness to them or act that way but on a deeper human level i feel there are narcissists that have a goodness within them. Its just too bad the disorder overrides any of that. I think too their destruction is also dependant on how much you protect yourself from them. If you give your heart freely and romanticize then they are more able to hurt you. I know ive done this and am slowly learning the hard way. Youve mentioned you have a few psychopathic friends and this has been reassuring in the way that maybe its possible to keep my narc as a friend. I do need to break the chains of codependancy on him. I need to be ok without him and get what i need from life for myself but i cant stop loving him and to severe him from my life would be very difficult.
      My narc can be incredibly sweet and accomidating but in true narc disorder form he devalues and has made me feel really low. Its a hard toss up and i hope in time the clear cut answer is there.
      One thing i do know is narcissists do not love like we do. Their love is for themselves. They can value people but again its based on what they do for them. I know my narc values me. He tells me he loves me several times a day but i know narcissists dont love like we love them. They value what we do for them. Its very much one sided. Its probably the same in respects to friendships. Ive had a few narc friends and most of them are more acquantances than a close friend bc ive not confided in them. My narc ive been able to confide in but again sometimes hes supportive and sometimes he will use what ive told him to devalue me covertly. Its the most confusing disorder.

    2. RS says:

      Good to know. Thank you.

      1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        I was saved two times by my sociopaths and psychopaths recently. I am not even kidding – not an exaggeration either. Terrible things could have happened to me.

        They are the antisocial type but it demonstrates something so much greater…

        1. HG Tudor says:

          We go where angels fear to tread.

  7. Fran says:

    HG, I saw the new movie Mother! last night. You MUST see it. I believe it was about a cerebral narcissist and would be very interested on your take on the movie! Every little bit aligns with all that I’ve read.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Fran, I have seen the trailer and it caught my interest. I will let you know once I have seen it.

      1. Fran says:

        Thanks! I’ve read several articles on potential meanings but nothing seems to fit quite as well as depicting the relationship between someone with NPD and their “target” or “fuel source.”

    2. narc affair says:

      Going to see it tomo night it looks good! Michelle pfeiffer and jennifer lawrence are in it two big actresses so you know itll be good! 🙂

      1. Fran says:

        What were your thoughts on the movie, narc affair?

  8. ajo says:

    Mine would often say things to me half asleep, while rolling over like “You’re so wonderful” and then pull me close.I thought he had to really mean it if he was half asleep. Akin to letting his guard down. Maybe he did really mean it in those moments, but I cherished them because I thought he surely couldn’t fake his feelings while half asleep. Strange to reflect on now.

    1. HG Tudors # 1 fan says:

      Twilight, yes that is a photo of my beautiful mother.

      1. Twilight says:


        I hope you know you are in my thoughts, I have been very concerned about you

  9. Peaceful says:

    My Nex would create some ugly fake fight over total bullshit. I’d go sleep in the guest room. The next morning he’d be upset and question why I didn’t sleep next to him. I was like WHAT?!?!? You expect me to lie by you after the way you treated me??? Or…. countless times I silently cried myself to sleep in my pillow…. wondering wtf?…. how am I going to get out of this….. Escape is a wonderful thing.

  10. HG Tudors # 1 fan says:

    but, you aren’t into playing “Mickey Mouse bul$hit games”

    1. Twilight says:


      How are you today?

      1. HG Tudors # 1 fan says:

        I am good, thanks for asking. Are you doing okay?

        1. Twilight says:

          Yes I am.

          I like your picture, is that your mother?

  11. Anne says:

    Wow, so accurate, sleeps like a baby. Me crying, or laying there being still so i didn’t wake him. If i did, my things, me, would be thrown out. Rage, I’ve seen screens ripped out, things thrown at me, me thrown out in the night. Scary, his eyes! It still makes me cry when i think about it! He NEVER apologized. And, it was like he didn’t remember. I swear it’s like seeing a demon appear.

    1. K says:

      I agree completely. They never apologize and they act like they never hurt you. Your comment reminds me of my ULN (upper lesser narcissist). They really are demons.

  12. Ali says:

    On the basis that he had to go out to cheat (yes I know, deny deny deny even when there was enough evidence to make it darn clear to me), the only person sleeping in HIS bed – and make no mistake it was his bed, not only because he would claim it was so, but because his mother purchased it and I would not have kept it if I was paid to do so – was *me*. He kept me unable to leave and pretty much a shut in since I could trust no one not to have been turned into a flying monkey, and I knew he smeared me by the time she bought it.

  13. MyTrueSelf says:

    Your description of this scenario is to the letter! Really good!
    Of all the incidents, horrors, tantrums that play out, causing atomic magnitude disruption with life decimating implications over an apparently minor thing, then disappearing, only to return with a smile as if nothing had happened, as if you’d just popped out to use the bathroom, is the most haunting for me.
    Would you mind sharing what is going on in your mind while it’s happening?
    A non narcissistic person would say sorry, feel remorseful, want to atone and take responsibility for the hurt that was caused and make sure it never happened again.

  14. Jenna says:

    We were most at peace when we would be sleeping next to each other. He is a cuddler, so he would intertwine his legs and arms into mine (fully clothed). When his eyes opened, he would smile and hug me, bring me closer. After he left, i would not hear frm him for 3 days. It left me confused.

    1. C★ says:

      Mine dId that too, to, me, his wife IPPS (I hated cuddling though) and he did this with everyone else he was sleeping with also. I had read txt transcripts between him and IPSSs and DLS, all saying how “safe he made them feel wrapping himself around them in bed”…
      PUKE!!!! It’s ALL FAKE and to bind the victim… lol… he had to find other ways to manipulate me… I am asexual so that lil game did not work with me…..

      1. Jenna says:

        C star, i’m glad u reminded me that it was all fake. I sure can use a reminder now and then. I’m glad it didn’t work w you. With me, unfortunately it had worked.
        Come to think of it, when i asked him abt it 1 yr later, he said the body heat was nice. He said nothing abt the intimacy.

        1. Windstorm2 says:

          Ha, ha! Your comment brought up a memory that made me laugh! Back when I was married and shared a bed with my husband, he would throw a fit if I slept touching him. On the occasional times he’d want to sleep touching me, he’d always be cold and tell me he was stealing my body heat. 😄

          1. Jenna says:

            Windstorm, it seems to all come down to body heat. So sad.

  15. RS says:

    At the time we were seeing each other, I thought it was sad that we never got to spend the night together because he was married. Now I see it as the only bright spot.

  16. K says:

    The phantom menace slept in my bed. On a positive note, the LoveSex was phenomenal.

  17. Merripen says:

    I remember the first time he raged at me. We were tobogganing on a snowy hill one crisp, still January afternoon. It was the first time he had ever gone sliding, as he grew up in a warmer part of the country, with no reliable snow. Completely alone, we relished having having the hillside to ourselves and giggled uncontrollably like a couple of schoolkids. It was a perfect slope, too, starting off nearly flat, before falling quite steep to build up a dizzying good speed, with the last hundred yards tapering off for a gentle deceleration, before climbing out. Each 15 second thrill ride would be followed by a giggly, breathless, snow-crunching climb back up, the toboggans skittering behind us on their rope reigns. For the first few runs, we each rode down in our own toboggan, but he thought it would be fun to double up, with me tucked in front of him, between his legs. It was a much more precarious descent, the difference in weight distribution making balance more difficult. Well, for me, anyway. He possessed an impressive physical grace and often remarked about his own natural athleticism. While I am also nimble physically, I lost the sight in my right eye and this affects my balance in some instances, as well as my security on that side. He always seemed very conscious to protect my blind side and would only walk on my right, holding my hand for good measure. I liked his protectiveness, his sensitivity to this vulnerable part of my physical reality. On the first tandem run, I immediately felt the precarious top heavy weight making us lean to the right (oh no). I did not have the rope reins to hold on to, he did, his arms coming around me holding them tight. My empty hand instinctively reached out to keep us upright. At the base of the hill, he curtly said I needed to use my upper body with his to keep us balanced and upright. He said it was dangerous to put my hand out like that. Though I was the one who had grown up in this cold place and had been sliding unscathed for decades, I said I would be more mindful on the next run. I didn’t giggle as we ascended that time, because I was kind of nervous to perform better. He didn’t giggle, either. Despite my best efforts to execute the descent in a more graceful manner, my right hand betrayed me and again shot out in an instinctive motion to maintain balance. At the bottom, he leaped out of the toboggan and angrily said that I apparently not trust him to keep us upright. He couldn’t understand why I did not have control of my hand, even when he had cautioned me. My legs were heavy as we made the silent trek up, again. I said it would maybe be more fun if we returned to solo runs, but he was determined that I get it right. I was a bit scared, because he was becoming someone I did not recognize. My confidence was nil. As expected, my treacherous hand could not be quieted (despite me sitting on it) and out it shot for the third time. It was at this moment that I felt him lean us to the right. We dug in hard, the plumes of snow left brief white outlines of our tumbling bodies against the grey sky. I had not yet confirmed my consciousness when he stood over me, yelling like some deranged drill sergeant. Stunned, I lay on my side, looking at his boots, which were right beside my head. It was horrifying and surreal. He railed at me for what seemed an eternity. How could I have so little control over my own body? Why was I rigid and not moving with him? What was the matter with me? Why couldn’t I relax and trust him? Then, suddenly, it was over. The storm has passed. He bent over, took my hand and helped me up. He asked if I was okay, brushing the snow from my clothes and hair. He retrieved my watch cap and pulled it back on my head. I remember being very compliant, passive, quiet. I nodded that yes, I was okay. Suddenly he was back to his old self and laughed as he grabbed the toboggan reigns in one hand and my right hand in the other. He said solo runs were maybe more fun. He talked and laughed for both of us, as we went up for one final solo slide. I floated, ghost-like, beside him and floated uneventfully down the hill, too. We tucked the toboggans in the back of the car and turned on the heated seats. He said that was a lot of fun! He said we should get bowls of hot and sour soup! As we settled in and warmed ourselves on the ride back, I allowed myself to let this disturbing occurrence go unchallenged. I gave no voice to the awful feeling that had just been born in my gut. This was my first glimpse behind the mask.

    1. Jenna says:

      Merripen, reading that broke my heart – to become angered for ur physical vulnerability. It’s absolutely evil. Is he out of ur life now?

      1. Merripen says:

        Jenna, yes. He discarded me on February 27th. Thank you for carrying some of my pain. We have lots to share in this safe space, it seems.

        1. RS says:

          Then he is the biggest loser of all because you are an angel on this earth!💜💜💜

        2. Jenna says:

          Merripen, you’re welcome. I’m glad he’s no longer in ur life. Consider the discard as a blessing my friend.

    2. narc affair says:

      Hi merripen….i get such a anxious feeling reading this 🙁 that first glimpse is alarming and i remember mine. In my situation my narc was able to show me glimpses in a way i could never confront him on it. Its alarming and we deny the truth to calm away the shock. Btw you are really good at telling the story i felt like i was there reading it.

      1. RS says:

        we deny the truth to calm away the shock. Btw you are really good at telling the story i felt like i was there reading it.

        That’s exactly what we do, isn’t it? We need to listen to our gut all the time!

        She does write so descriptively, doesn’t she? Like you said, feels like you are right there with her.

      2. Merripen says:

        Hello narc affair. Thank you for that. It was a hard story to tell and those words absolutely were infused with the anxiousness you absorbed from them (sorry). It sounds like your narc was very subtle in his abuse. The cumulative effect is so damaging.

      3. narc affair says:

        Hi RS … yes i enjoy merripens way of writing too it really draws you into the story. I love everyones experiences.
        Youre right we do calm away the shck when we see snippets of truth in regards to the narcs character…conveniant denial.

        Hi merripen…im still with my narc and he is very subtle and everythings sugarcoated to help with the distaste of who he can be. He gaslights in the way he devalues and always covertly. Not to make light of anyone elses situation but if the abuse wouldve been more in my face and overt i wouldve never stayed. Its the way he does it that makes it easier to stay and second guess myself.

    3. RS says:

      Merripen: I am so sorry you had to go through such degrading. No one deserves to be spoken to like that. I am going to crawl back into my protective hole now and stay hidden from this horrible world for awhile. . . possibly do some crying for all of us on here.

      1. Merripen says:

        Oh, RS, I’m sorry for contributing to you reaching your tipping point. Empaths are so vulnerable to overload. Alright, purge it from your sweet self. Let it go on dark wings and let the space where it crouched fill up with light. Feel better and I will float some warm fuzzy your way.

        1. RS says:

          I feel the “warm fuzzy” already. You are a gift!

          1. Merripen says:

            Thinking of you, RS. Hope your cold is better and you are well. I miss your feisty posts. (I don’t know where to find emoticons on here yet, but I’m sending you hearts & hugs.)

    4. Diva says:

      Hi Merripen…….I just wanted to state that I really enjoyed reading your story because it was so well written and I love to read……then I had to remind myself that it was in fact true and that kind of ruined it……and then I felt guilty for enjoying it……….hopefully you understand what I am trying to say. Anyway……welcome to the madhouse, although strangely enough…….the longer you stay, the saner it becomes!!!!!!………Diva

      1. RS says:

        hopefully you understand what I am trying to say.

        I understood it perfectly – all of it. I love it here with my friends that do. It’s like a cocoon.

      2. K says:

        Reading Merripen’s comments are like reading a Stephen King novel. It is horrific and awesome at the same time. And I liked that you wrote, “the longer you stay, the saner it becomes!!!!! Because it is so true! K

        1. Diva says:

          Hi K……I know what Stephen King is about but I have never read one of his novels or watched any of his films, so I am going to take your word for it……….I already sleep with the lights on……if I viewed his material I am pretty sure I would not sleep at all!!!!…………Diva

          1. RS says:

            I’m with you on that one! My daughter loves Stephen King and reads/watches everything out there by him. She just saw the remake of “It” last weekend. I forgot to ask her how she liked it.

      3. Merripen says:

        Hi Diva, I’m glad you enjoyed reading that post and please don’t apologize for the experience that those words gave you. (i giggled at your joy-guilt, cause that’s friggin’ precious) If you were transported to anywhere near what my thoughts and feelings were on that day, then I succeeded. Our feelings are the truest things we empaths possess. (Well they were before the narcissists got hold of us, right?) Thank your for welcoming me to the madhouse! As you said, I feel quite at home, more each day.

        1. Diva says:

          “Thank you for welcoming me to the madhouse!”

          Hi Merripen…….I feel that I should forewarn you that every now and then the madhouse (to me) resembles “One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest”…….but HG is always on hand to dole out the “medication” and restore calm and order!!!!!!

          I make this connection to the film for many reasons and NOT because I believe we are all crazy (although I myself can do a very good impression of that one) ……. I think many will agree that sometimes it does get a bit crazy in here at times. There are quite a few characters here and sometimes opinions and personalities clash……which I believe can only be a good thing….although it doesn’t always feel like that at the time!!!

          There has also been some suggestion that there is a “cuckoo” in the nest……I haven’t a clue who it is…..or maybe my mind cannot go there…….just in case it is me!!!!!…..Diva

        2. RS says:

          Merripen – Twilight mentioned a picture of your mother. Is the picture you have up, her or you?

      4. K says:

        This place is a madhouse, and I like it here because I am mad more often than not! (maniacal laugh)

        1. Diva says:

          Birds of a feather!!!!!…….Diva

    5. Windstorm2 says:

      Very descriptive and well written! That’s an excellent illustration of how they have to assume control over us and that having control is more important to them than any other aspect of an experience. Sad as it is, your loss of fun in the sledding, your fear and dejection were fuel for him and made the experience better for him, while it turned it into a nightmare for you.

      1. Merripen says:

        Thank you for your compliment about my post. It feels purgative, cathartic to put that experience into words that took this community of survivors back there with me. You’re right, he got both kinds of fuel from me that day, plus, I paid for the freakin’ soup. (facepalm)

        If I had but a fraction of the insight that I now possess, that would have been my last interaction with him. But, the path ahead will reflect my new intent, you can be sure.

      2. Merripen says:

        K and Diva, you are more spot-on than you knew. Stephen and I share the same snowy land!

  18. analise13 says:

    Wow, so visually descriptive.
    I think any one that was or is in a relationship with a narcissist would relate to this.
    Brilliant, writing HG.
    HG is there anything or anyone who has disrupted your sleep for non sexual reasons? Maybe due to fury or hatred.
    Slightly off topic, do you predominantly sleep on your back, side or stomach? I am a side sleeper.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      My sleep may be disrupted for professional reasons, other than that no. I sleep on my side.

      1. analise13 says:

        Thank you .
        What type of professional reasons, other then your writing, is it work deadlines and deals?
        Which side predominantly? Left side for me.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          The need to respond to events.

          1. analise13 says:

            Yes, damage control. I understand. Thank you HG for indulging my silly questions. They are interesting to me.

            When you sleep alone HG, do you sleep in middle of bed or do you always sleep on same side of bed, alone or with company?

            I only ever sleep on the same side of the bed, wherever I am, whomever I am with. The right side of the bed.
            I am a creature of habit.

          2. HG Tudor says:

            I sleep on the side nearest to the door.

          3. Diva says:

            Hmmmm…….same here……same in restaurants…..on a plane……in the cinema……there is no end to it…….if there is a door, I have to be as close as I can possibly be to it……….Diva

          4. Windstorm2 says:

            Interesting. My narcs taught me to always be where I can watch the door, but not right beside it. My exhusband always slept on the far side from the door. He said that way anyone who came in would get me first and give him time to respond.

          5. Diva says:

            He sounds like a real gem!!!!!!……Diva

          6. analise13 says:

            Interesting HG and much thanks for always answering my questions, you are the absolute best!

            This is where we differ, well that and a host of other ways.
            I sleep closest to the window, furthest from the door.
            HG, do you sleep there for an expedient exit or because deep down you truly are a gentleman/ protector? Wink wink.

            Hi, Diva. Is your need to be situated nearest a door, flight or fear based?

          7. HG Tudor says:


          8. Diva says:


            “Hi, Diva. Is your need to be situated nearest a door, flight or fear based?”
            In my case it is both reasons and more…..

            I am a people watcher….but not for the same reasons as HG…I like to see who comes in and who goes out….no better place than near the door. I can watch from there without giving the impression that I am staring.

            I like to be near the door in case I need to make a quick exit……I was once in a night club when the lighting caught fire and there was a stampede for the exits. I have also been in a hotel that caught fire in the middle of the night……..after those kind of incidents you make yourself aware of fire escapes and exit routes and if at all possible I try and ensure that I am near them. I am not an arsonist by the way…..these things just tend to happen when I am around…..and there have been several other incidences too……my narc nick named me Jinxy…….Diva

          9. RS says:

            Me too! . . . “Good night Mary Ellen, Good night Jim Bob, Good night John Boy. . . LOL

      2. C★ says:

        And facing away from the victim…..

      3. Sniglet says:

        Interesting questions about sleeping positions. I’ve tried to determine what analysts and their research say about a person’s sleeping pattern to analyse myself of course but could not find anything matching what I do. I purchased the biggest bed I could find, and I sleep on all sides, left, right, middle, top, bottom. It is a vibrating massager adjustable bed which can fold me like a pancake, or act like a carnivorous plant and trap that narc who is all too willing to escape to the nearest door. Haha. In whose bed are YOU sleeping tonight?

  19. Diva says:

    “Who Is Sleeping In Your Bed?”………no one, thanks to you, this article and this blog!!!!!!………Diva

    1. RS says:

      Diva: “Who Is Sleeping In Your Bed?”………no one, thanks to you, this article and this blog!!!!!!…

      You’re so funny! I can’t even blame it on any of the things you mentioned. . . no one was sleeping in MY bed BEFORE this all happened! 😩​

      1. Diva says:

        Hey RS…….you can be fairly certain that whatever I come out with, regardless of how funny it is, there is a 99% chance that there is significant truth behind the humour. When I found this blog I was in a relationship with what transpired to be a mid range narc…….I read a few of these articles during a silent treatment. I quickly realised “Who was sleeping in my bed”………and then I decided he would not be sleeping there a minute longer……although there wasn’t much sleeping!!!!!….so yes it is all HGs doing!!!!!…….not that I am complaining……I am more than grateful…….Diva

        1. RS says:

          although there wasn’t much sleeping!!!!!

          How I miss jumping into bed with no intention of sleeping!!! Yes, we have to give HG his kudos for bringing all of us to the point of understanding what was going on and the the courage to stand tall while give a two finger salute! THANK YOU, HG! 😘​

          1. Diva says:

            Hey RS…..I have realised since being on this blog, that narcs to me are simply another addiction of sorts……..it is no different to any other addiction……..while you are busy gorging on whatever it is that you are addicted to, you are not really happy and you know if makes no logical sense, but you don’t want to stop. Meanwhile, as the narcs addiction to us gets weaker, as their own intimacy fears step in, they withdraw our supply via a silent treatment or infidelity or whatever. The addicted empath then craves the narc supply even more and subsequently ignores situations, behaviour and consequences that any non addicted individual would balk at. That is how it was for me in any case………although I am only realising it now.

            “Who is sleeping in your bed?”………in my case, after reading this article many times, I have come to the conclusion that I need to apply this question to myself first and foremost ……..Diva

          2. RS says:

            That’s a perfect analogy, Diva, I never thought of it that way before. I read that article, like I do all of them, but this one only once because I didn’t feel like it pertained to me, since he never spent the night. I’ll have to go back and read it again. Thank you for shining a different light on this for me (and everyone else).

            It’s 5am here and a cold has wrapped itself around my head. So glad I have the next 3 days off. It’s hard to be cheerful at work when you don’t feel well. Have a great day my dear friend! 😘​

          3. RS says:

            “you can be fairly certain that whatever I come out with, regardless of how funny it is, there is a 99% chance that there is significant truth behind the humour”

            I have heard that comedians write their funniest stories based on what really happened in their life. It’s so funny because we can all relate to it.

  20. Lindsay says:

    Absolutely bang on, every single detail.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you.

  21. Paula Sarno says:

    You are right HG , as always . He used to sleep so peacefully , even when the devaluation started . We live in different countries , so we slept togheter once a month for a week . I spent almost all the relationship not sleeping . The first year because I did not want to be separared from him . The second year wondering why I still want him in my life , he was a monster , an enemy by my side . One way or the other I cried every night I was with him

  22. narc affair says:

    This is why i think its so important to live together before marrying or having kids. Being under the same roof will bring out the narcs true colors and their mask will eventually slip and expose who they really are. Sadly some will ignore and deny who the narc really is bc they dont want to be without someone in their life so they continue on the path to destruction. Listen to your gut instinct.

  23. Patricia J says:

    Your words are chillingly accurate…

  24. Just me – safe and sound 🙂

  25. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    No…. oh…no…no…no
    he doesn’t get to sleep if I’m irritated and awake.

    That is NOT the way this story ends.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You’d be very swiftly dealt with if you did that with me.

      1. Jenna says:

        Pls do tell how would u deal w doc?

      2. RS says:

        Spoilsport! 😄

      3. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        if you say so.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I do.

      4. narc affair says:

        Im also curious how you would deal with it Dr. H if your narc fell asleep while you were upset and also how you would HG if your primary kept you awake?
        The reason i ask is bc ive had this happen a few times in my marriage and if im upset i cant and wont sleep. Im like you Dr. H I Get really pissed bc its not right to go to sleep leaving your partner stewing over unsettled business. How ive dealt with it is ive left the bedroom and slept elsewhere. That really gets under my skin and is wrong on so many levels. I cant share a bed with someone im deeply upset with id rather sleep alone.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          1. They really ought to know better than to try to keep me awake.
          2. I would banish them to a spare room.
          3. If they refused to do that/stay there and made a noise beyond my locked bedroom door, I would take them to a spare room and lock them in there.

          That ordinarily suffices.

          1. Jenna says:


          2. Diva says:

            Locks on bedroom doors?????……I guess I wasn’t too far off the mark with my warden and inmate comment. Just another small observation…….if you have to lock someone up to keep them in or out……they are probably not your soul mate after all……..keep looking HG…….when you don’t have to put them under house arrest…..then you will know!!!!!…….Diva

          3. RS says:

            “Why you gotta be so mean?”. . . .TS 🤗​

      5. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        We can keep this going.

        I am finding this amusing….;)

        I don’t run.

        1. RS says:

          I’m rooting for Dr. Q!!!

      6. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        This is like foreplay for me……

      7. Anne says:

        So true! It would be a grave mistake if i ever did. Have had my bags thrown at me, out the window, and kicked out in the night!

      8. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        Narc affair,

        I am extremely familiar with this situation.

        They don’t sleep most of the time until the argument is resolved. Then they can go to sleep.

        I’ve done whatever it takes to keep the person up.

        In the instances I wasn’t successful because I was not in physical proximity – they were punished.

        They weren’t in the mood to talk before? Well, I’m not in the mood to talk now.

        My mom still jokes around with me and has said on numerous occasions….Whatever I go to bed irritated about…the second I wake up…I start where I left off but its 100x worse.

        I’m not someone who calms down the next day. If you don’t handle that situation right away ….I bring a hurricane of shit.

      9. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        When my ex would pull that shit he was either going to stay up and be made miserable or I was actively plotting the next day.

      10. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        I’ll be completely real here….

        It is rare occasion that the individual completely gets away with it.

        If there is some kind of apology or they do SOMETHING that tries to make up for it – I probably won’t be as nasty – however if it is a pattern – I don’t let shit go.

        Yes, I know…

        I’m very ODD.

        1. Jenna says:

          It’s not odd. It’s setting boundaries. Good for u.

      11. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        Sometimes I’ll pick a fight before they go to bed or fuck something up for them. Other times I will keep them awake. Other times I will make them wait to speak to me because now I’m not in the mood to talk to them.

        Depends who it is and what mood I’m in.

      12. narc affair says:

        Ty for your replies HG and Dr. H…

        HG ….do the spankings happen in the spare room? 😂 i know i ought not to laugh but i have a hard time envisioning you banishing under lock and key like that. What if the primary screams? The notorious sock treatment? 😄

        Dr. H…I wasnt fully honest in my post bc ive done more than leave the room in a situation like that. Ive been so angry ive woken him up thru tossing and turning, leg nudging etc. and its turned into an allnighter fight 🙁 it seems funny talking about it but i still can feel the anger at him sleeping while ive been there so upset and in tears. Im the same way if it goes to the next day ill ignore him and be a bitch which i feel guilty about but i really hate that. I could never fall asleep on him if he was upset over something and i was aware of it. Idk what it is about that but it really bothers me.

      13. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


        Thank you! Seriously… I don’t have it in me to let someone just toy with my emotions and do nasty things to me ….and then I wanna be rational and discuss the matter but nooooo….

        I’m talking about like fights not mild disputes or a situation where like someone is irritable.

        What it comes down to is you can’t just dismiss me – you can’t start a problem and then not finish the conversation….and then happily go to bed – no! Lol….

      14. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


        hugs!! you always put a smile on my face ha!

      15. Twilight says:

        There is a time for noise and there is a time to sit quietly it is Knowing when to do which to be effective in both your actions and words…..

        Just saying…..

    2. K says:

      Run! Dr. Q PsyD. Run as fast as you can!

      1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        Nah, I don’t run.

        1. RS says:

          Good for YOU. . . and why would you? 👍​

      2. RS says:

        Why on earth would Dr. Q run? She is a bad ass and I love that about her!!!

      3. K says:

        I was being quasi-facetious. My mid-ranger mopped the floor with my ass, so I wouldn’t mess around with a greater. It is like asking for an ass kicking. My ass still hurts. Dr. Q is far braver than I.

      4. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        RS – thank you !! 🤓😎😄

        K – a normal person would run lmao clearly I’m not that normal 😂😜

        1. Windstorm2 says:

          Dr Q
          Who’d want to be normal? Normal is boring.

          1. RS says:


      5. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        It’s simple with me – I may take a couple of shots thrown at me and do nothing – because I’m a lover not a fighter – but they always take it too far – and think they can get more and more over the top and do it more often – MISTAKE- and then boom … they won’t get away with it anymore…

        I now try to stop that bullshit the second it starts in order to prevent a war From occurring later on…

        Actually – I don’t even get that far anymore lmao because I stop it the second I see it lol.

      6. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


        I agree lol! Screw normal! lol

      7. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


        I wouldn’t say braver lmao – maybe kookier hahahahah

  26. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    I can assure you he wasn’t sleeping. I made sure of that.

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