The Narcissistic Truths – No. 137
13 thoughts on “The Narcissistic Truths – No. 137”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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Hello HG, I have been reading your books thoroughly, and one of the questions I would like to ask you please, concerns the theme of accountability.
With respect to the silent treatment that you gave to a girlfriend of yours during the summer vacation ( I will try not to give much information of what’s in the book): after she returned, and stood anxious at your (family) doorstep, suitcase in hand, you never admitted to her that you gave her a silent treatment.
It’s difficult for me to understand: you give us the silent treatment (and other punishments), so naturally you mean for us to feel, suffer and understand that we are being punished, but for whatever reason you would not admit to us that you are actually doing it: so what is it that you’d like us to think? e.g. that we are in a silent treatment but that we aren’t in a silent treatment? I am truly confused here. Thank you so much!
Yep… they’re sorry alright…. til they do it to you again, even worse…
He was a MASTER at this. Absolutely BRILLIANT! Though my ex husband and mother narcs never apologized, and just covered up with excuses. This is why the apologies were so attractive to me. I believed they were truth from a man wanting to get better and improve from his mistakes.
He could weave an apology that could move me from my logical state of “I’m not putting up with this BS” to “poor, poor guy. He loves me so and is so sorry”
ugh.
“Hg said it is to manage the facade.”
… and I apologized to keep the peace, avoid the backlash, or calm his rage. We were both invested in managing the facade. Different motives but the same lack of authenticity. A toxic dance as we two stepped around the beast.
Ah, the ‘S’ word!
We were walking through town one day when he stopped, looked at me and said with utmost earnest, ” You know, you don’t say “sorry” to me often enough. I need you say “sorry” to me more often, it would make me feel much better ”
?!?!?!?!
I never heard or read s.o.r.r.y. from him in 3 years (one year of email hoovering)
As I understand it, ‘Sorry’ isn’t just type font. Sorry has 3 components;
1: saying “sorry”
2: feeling genuine remorse for the hurt caused
3: taking concrete actions to make sure it never happens again.
Mytrueself
Mine never apologized for anything. To apologize was contrary to his persona. Apologizing would undermine his facade.
The mid range I knew could text the word “sorry” but now that I think about it……I never actually heard him say it………Diva
I used to believe his apologies came frm cognitive empathy. Hg said it is to manage the facade.
Jenna,
Yes, all part of the facade. Some will not even offer a fake apology unless they are very low on fuel then they will use it to reel us back in.
Btw, I hope all is well. I wanted to update you and Indy on DBT treatment.
I am going to do a 8 week Pre-DBT simplified skills group.
After successful completion I will start the 6 month Q.U.E.S.T. ( Quality of care, Unity of acceptance and change, Emotion Regulation, Skills building, and Trauma resolution). I am looking forward 1st class next week.
How’s your trearnent going?
Hi yolo…thats great! Please update us on how you found the group and skills learned.
Yolo, this ‘quest’ program sounds excellent. Thank u for updating us.
I am on the waiting list for 2 dbt specialists. The wait unfortinately, is four months. My newest counsellor called a dbt specialist herself, as per my request. They said they will contact me but they never did.
Ive gotten this a lot from my narc but never from my narc mother. I think this is why he attracted me he does what she’d never do.
Hmm yea they say sorry and keep repeating the same horrific behavior or yea right they never take responsibility for what they say and do. They just keep getting old and older with themselves. You really can’t dismiss this behavior, when you get that feeling that something is wrong, trust yourself!!!!!