A Letter To The Narcissist – No. 3

 

A LETTER TO A NARCISSIST -SKERIN'S LETTER

I forgive you.

As one should not blame the blind for failing to see, or the deaf for not hearing the melodies we sing to you, I cannot blame you for what you are.

I understand it comes from a place of shame, of pain, and from a childhood deprived of love.

As the grain of sand lacerates the delicate insides of an oyster, the wounded creature covers it with beauty to make a pearl; likewise, you created your image, your glowing, lavish illusion to the world…But inside there is still that grain of sand scratching at your core. That is what I remember when you lie so blatantly: it’s just more coating for your pearl.

Those who I would blame are gone, and my life is too precious and short to waste time hating them, or you. Though you might be a willing – if not eager- tutor, I have no desire, no inclination to learn how to hate. I was ever the rebellious pupil.

I love you.

My heart is vast, with room to spare; my love costs nothing and I give it freely.

Now I understand how badly you need love, I offer it willingly to fill your void as best I can…But it is only love that I will feed you.

If you demand anger, frustration, sorrow, you will not be sated by me. All I could offer then is my pity, but I mask it well, for I do not wish to wound you. I see the grain of sand, I know your modus operandi, but I do not wish to crack your pearl, it gives me no joy to do so.

My heart is strong.

It is more resilient than you can imagine, and each new onslaught, each storm you might try rage against me rushes past like a breeze and leaves me intact and whole, confusing and confounding you, for my heart is not made with walls and foundations: it is a vast, wide ocean, its waves breaking, ebbing and flowing, but always full and deep, timeless and unstoppable.Β  You cannot control me any more than an oyster controls the tide, but I let you believe you are master of the waves, for it gives you some peace and causes me no harm.

You do not understand, pearl in my depths, but I do.

 

My heart is strong, I love you and I forgive you.

171 thoughts on “A Letter To The Narcissist – No. 3

  1. E says:

    A beautiful healing letter to pain. The answer is always love.

  2. Medusa says:

    This letter is really beautiful, it moves me, it fills me with love and compassion … if I could choose one that interprets me it would be this … knowledge makes us free HG, but also when we internalize it to some it makes us heal and understand that the grudge only harms us … this vision is liberating and fills me with inner peace … eternal thanks to who wrote it, because I enlighten without knowing it, and you Hg for sharing it. Love is composed of great doses of compassion.

  3. Cheyenne Blackendorf says:

    I wish these comments were in order ..they seem a bit mumble jumbled.
    And gosh darnit ,why does the dang square have to cover up the first word or two of each comment!??

  4. Miss Swain says:

    Eloquent, melancholic yet melodic, just beautiful. Your empathy and highly perceptive understanding of the N is almost tangible. Your words convey a power which transcend all narcissistic arrogance and grandiosity; the power to love and the power to forgive. For those are the greatest powers of all. Thank you for sharing this x

    1. Erin says:

      Thank you!

  5. echo says:

    This is beautiful. β™₯

  6. Rhyming Fun says:

    Ya, well I’d rather be called a citrus fruit, too, than an intestinal waste product…

    1. Rhyming Fun says:

      Oh well, I’m a vegan so it doesn’t matter.

      1. Erin says:

        Hahah I don’t know what veganism has to do with limeys and septics, but it’s nice to see a fellow vegan empath here πŸ™‚

  7. ava101 says:

    Isn’t “to write to him” more formal than “to write him”, HG? As in, a letter addressed to him and a letter for him? Sounds more personal to me, to leave the “to” out. I’d say in German “I wrote my narc” but “I wrote to the CEO / chancellor / whomever” ….

  8. Rhyming Fun says:

    This letter is written from one with a truly noble heart. It soothes my eyes in its grace and purity. Speaking from an Empath’s point of view, if I was a Narcissist, I would wish to receive this letter.

    Your words remind me of white lilies amongst a bed of foxtails, and dainty, silver bells ringing prettily amongst the ruckus of car engines. Your words are sublime.

    Thank you for sharing

    1. Erin says:

      That’s very pretty imagery! Thanks!

      1. Rhyming Fun says:

        πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

  9. Fool me1 time says:

    Now your speaking my language!! Xxx

  10. K says:

    Skerin
    Your letter was remarkable and your capacity to love and forgive is wondrous. I envy you your ability to forgive with your whole heart and soul. You are not a bondswoman to hate; like you, your love is powerful and free.

    1. Erin says:

      Aww thanks, K!

  11. ???!! says:

    This perfectly describes “You can’t control what others do, only how you respond”. Erin, you’ve taken the high road and not let them lower yourself to their level. Great letter!
    BTW, Sir Tudor, no Hoover yet for me. I think he was perfectly glad to get rid of me and wanted to much earlier. I’ve also realized that one reason it devastated me so, was the “relationship ” never fully played out with more time. If we had spent more time together with the reality of real life, I would have seen him and the relationship as it really was, and not the fantasy I was in.

    1. Erin says:

      Thanks!
      As for “seeing the relationship as it really was”, I think generally the discard in these cases is just as bad, because even if the relationship’s sour, the narc will have chipped away at the empath’s sense of self-worth so much that the target ends up believing she/he will never find anyone who will love her/him, and the narc is her/his only chance at happiness and love…
      If you got out early, hopefully you were spared that loss of self-love, although it’s a meagre consolation.

      1. ???!! says:

        No, I was discarded. Completely devastated me + I kept finding out more and more stuff on him that is so evil..

  12. Just Me says:

    A poetic expression of grace. I suspect those who agree believe in Determinism and those who disagree believe in free will.

  13. Sandra says:

    That letter gutted me.

    Poignant, articulate, and noble.

    It’s how I’d love to proceed if I weren’t so consequently warped by my experience.

    1. Erin says:

      Thanks, Sandra!
      Healing takes time, don’t be hard on yourself. The deeper the wounds, the gentler you need to be with your heart.
      Take care!

  14. Rhyming Fun says:

    Oh my gosh, lol lol lol…my last comment just made me laugh and I cannot stop! LOL. LOL. LOL. ha hahaha

  15. Noname says:

    Now I see the healing process in progress. Good job, Erin!

    1. Erin says:

      Thank you, Noname!

  16. Rhyming Fun says:

    Incidentally, on the article The Vainglorious, #18… I never understand why you say: “They get understand me”. I always ask “Get me? Understand me? Or, which?”

  17. Rhyming Fun says:

    I have thought of writing the Narcissists to let them know that I forgive them, but I know that if I did this, one of them would start hoovering me all over, again, (and, I do not want this), and the other one would either rage at the idea that he did anything wrong in which I should forgive, or he would use my letter in another public smear campaign against me, and post it on Facebook for him, and all his friends to laugh at, as he did my last letter I wrote him where I was crying. So, even though I forgive them, I cannot let them know.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You septics and your “write the narcissist” I never understand why you miss out the “to”. Whenever someone says, “so I wrote him” I always ask “wrote him what? A letter? A list? A prescription?”

      1. Rhyming Fun says:

        By all means… after all, we are discussing prescriptions on this particular post. Are we not? Yes, I would like to write the Narcissist a prescription to let him know that I forgive him. He can have it filled at his nearest pharmacy.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Fair enough.

      2. Unspoken Joy says:

        I am sorry for my English mistake, HG πŸ™

        RF

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Quite alright, it is correct where you come from, I just find it odd that is all.

      3. Rhyming Fun says:

        I with that i was qerfect like yoo, mR. Tutor

      4. Rhyming Fun says:

        Who are you calling “you septics”, BTW?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          See earlier answer.

      5. Rhyming Fun says:

        Oh, never mind about the “you septics” remark…I forgot that you are a Sociopath and therefore a meanie underneath your mask. I bet you are grumpy, and extra cranky, today, anyway. You probably need a massage, and your masseuse is out sick. It’s okay.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You do realise that ‘septics’ is rhyming slang for ‘septic tanks’ meaning Yanks and therefore is not an insult but purely a slang term. It is similar to us Brits being labelled ‘limeys’.

          1. Windstorm2 says:

            I’d certainly never heard that! You mean you all call us a slang term that means septic tanks? Why? Because we were smart enough to invent them first?

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Well, we don’t all refer to the good people of the US as septics, it tends to be more of a cockney/London/south-east England thing. It is purely because it rhymes with Yank. It isn’t intended as unpleasant.

          3. Windstorm2 says:

            Thank you for the explanation. It’s always good to learn new things. Offensive depends on the perspective of the hearer. Being from the South, I have always been offended by the term Yanks or Yankees. After all we fought a war with them. Unless you’re talking about the baseball team, Yankee is a derogatory word down here.

          4. HG Tudor says:

            In the UK Yank is a catch-all word for American and doesn’t have the same connotation as it does within your country.Australians refer to us as ‘pommies’ which originates from ‘pohm’ meaning Prisoner of Her Majesty after those who first settled in Australia being convicts transported from the UK.

          5. Lisa says:

            Indeed we do HG. There’s one I know particularly well….a pommie narc! (No, not you HG).

      6. Noname says:

        Off topic about English…

        The English prepositions (to, at, on, etc.) and articles are sooo confusing. But they are half of the problem.

        The verb tenses and conditionals – that is a real example of living hell! I know the rules, but I can’t grasp them completely. How to “fight” with hellish tenses? Who knows. Lol. As my grammar Nazi teacher says “You have to learn how to “feel” them”. Ouch.

        Plus the english sentences have a strict order. We don’t have such limits in Russian. We can say “I go to school”, “Go to school I”, “To school I go”, “To school go I” in Russian and all variants would be correct.

        Instead of tenses we have a different endings of the verbs and that is a living hell to everyone who studies Russian (for my grammar Nazi teacher for example, because he studies Russian). So, we have a deal. The english hell in exchange to russian hell. Lol.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Yes, English can be a difficult language to learn and master, my compliments on your excellent English, Noname.

        2. Windstorm2 says:

          Noname
          I’ve never studied Russian. The one Russian professor at my university was a person I avoided at all costs, but I feel the same way about the Spanish subjunctive tenses. They were my version of linguistic hell! I can remember, though, when I was coming through grade school and high school, that many of my native English speaking compatriots struggled with the more obscure tenses.

      7. K says:

        You can call me a septic (tank) I don’t mind. It makes me giggle when people call me names.

      8. Noname says:

        Why, thank you, Tudor.
        Next time I’ll say to my grammar Nazi teacher “The Greater narcissist thinks that my English is excellent, so you, Mid-Ranger, has to keep your mouth shut facing such level of authority!”. I bet, he would kill me. Lol.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Just show him a card with ‘HG approves” on it. That will do the trick.

      9. What’s the origin of limey HG? Yes, I could look it up, but your definitions are better.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          It originates from the fact that English sailors had lime added to their drinks to prevent scurvy (back then it was lemon juice initially but the word lime was applied to both citrus fruits). It was actually a derogatory term – I think because it suggested the drink (usually beer) was being watered down in effect. The English navy then shifted from lemon juice to lime juice. Hence Limey was used to describe an English sailor (probably the most likely people to interact with Americans) and then it was extended to the British in general.

          1. Thank you HG. Interesting! Like I said, your definitions are better. πŸ™‚

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Indeed they are.

      10. Noname says:

        You mean to send the link on your blog? In that case, he would kill me for sure! Lol.

        Despite on his constant tirades about my bad English, he is a very good guy and professional. I see the positive results. He knows how to teach properly. That and only that matters.

      11. Noname says:

        Windstorm 2,

        I guess, that any language has something hellish in it and I find this fascinating.

      12. narc affair says:

        Ty HG for explaining how limey originated. Ive never used the word bc i thought it may be taken as an insult. Who knew it was because of scurvy lol

        1. HG Tudor says:

          It wouldn’t concern me if someone called me limey. Besides, I prefer a slice of lime with my bottle of Corona, the 24 hour party beer!

      13. Lou says:

        “Besides, I prefer a slice of lime with my bottle of Corona”

        Lou approves …

        πŸ˜‰

      14. Ana says:

        It’s an American thing. Same with saying I’m going to go. Going to go where??

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I’m obliged.

    2. starr says:

      I agree about not sending the letter. It not gives them fuel but lets them know you are still holding on. Forgiveness is for us, not the narc. We forgive to ease our emotional pain because unforgiveness hurts us more and that is what the narc wants. We do not forgive to let them off the hook instead, we forgive to free ourselves of emotional pain and let go of the pain we are holding so tightly. I know this because I am the queen of letter writing (grin), and he has been on the receiving end of my rants only for me to receive nothing back. Why?? Because it is fuel for him and he feeds off these emails and texts. He lives in Hawaii and was in WA state visiting. He is much older and when I first knew him 30yrs ago he was a master at playing word games with everyone but he was so darn likable no one really noticed. My opinion is they don’t deserve a forgiveness letter. I sent one and never got a response back so this last time I sent a doozy of an email after he accused me of psycho-analysing him using Freudian labels and how wrong that was. So all I did was throw out a few observations based on Dr. Alfred Adler and Freud with a video of what the Silent treatment is and what a healthy relationship looks like. He asked me who the F*** I thought I was so all I did was tell him who I was for the LAST and FINAL time. Hopefully, I won;t ever hear from him again πŸ˜‰

  18. K says:

    Sorry, for the confusion. This letter didn’t ask for sentiments like the previous two.

  19. K says:

    Not even close HG! However, the letter was very nicely written and I liked the name Skerin (it is brand of yarn).

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I don’t follow.

  20. Kim Michaud says:

    I felt exactly the same as this writer until a few days ago but now I hate him do to something I read beautifully written though

  21. Patricia J says:

    HG, Is this the letter you would like to get?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Patricia, I am going to comment on the various letters in due course, so I will keep my powder dry until that point.

  22. Peaceful says:

    Beautiful, mature, heartfelt, inspirational.

    1. Erin says:

      Thank you!

  23. narc affair says:

    Beautifully written and you have a beautiful heart but please protect it bc its the greatest pearl of all. Ty for sharing πŸ’“

    1. Erin says:

      Thank you!

  24. NarcAngel says:

    Beautifully written.

  25. Diva says:

    “You do not understand, pearl in my depths, but I do.”

    I think I have some idea……..I named my daughter with a name of Irish origin that means pearl……I had my own reasons for doing so, although he is none the wiser, as it would have been lost on him……she is growing into her name beautifully, just as I hoped she would. Pearl is a colour that gives, it reflects lightness and in my eyes bears the least resemblance to black. My daughter is extremely precious to me and in many ways she is my pearl of wisdom. I think you know how much I liked your letter……..I understand all that you wrote and I have been in similar circumstances myself. I also can relate to the rebellion without hatred scenario……I wish I knew who wrote it…..thank you so much for posting it…..Diva

    1. Erin says:

      Thanks for your comment, Diva. It means a lot to me that you understand what I was trying to say.
      I am glad to hear your daughter is growing so beautifully into her name. May both of you always be loved and happy, bearing the tide together, and may Diva only ever cry tears of joy.
      Erin

      1. Diva says:

        Erin ……thank you for your response to me…..I am so pleased that you have revealed yourself!!!! I will be keeping a look out for your posts now that I know we have a bond and similar experience………Diva

  26. analise13 says:

    Exquisitely versed Skerin.
    It made me feel much to read your words. So much to tears.

    I can relate to your compassion and understanding and forgiveness.

    To a narcissist the beauty and meaning conveyed will be lost and it will only be received as a glorious outpouring of soul fuel.

    But, it is not lost in this forum on those who feel as you do.

    Letting go with love is the ideal form of empathy. To forgive the harm done upon us and move forward emotionally unburdened,

    It is easier when the harm has been minimal. Much more difficult for those who have been grievously transgressed against,

    I view this missive for the writers own well being. To release someone she loves freely and openly. Even though he cannot reciprocate.

    Even though the words are for him, the intent also benefits her own forgiveness of self.

    1. Erin says:

      Thank you, Analise; it means a lot to me to read your comment, and to know that you understand what I was trying to say.
      Thank you again.

      1. analise13 says:

        I do very much understand and relate to your sentiments. Harbouring anger, hurts us more.

        It matters not, if the narcissist cannot see that.
        It is what you know and feel and need to do to move forward.

        I didn’t view it as a means to further the relationship.
        I saw it as a way for you to reconcile it internally and emotionally.
        Your words were transcending.
        I wish you healing.

      2. Christine says:

        Erin
        What about the devaststed victims ? Their family and friends ?
        Where you an intimate partner ? I feel you are disregarding victims pain .

      3. Erin says:

        Cristine, I am sorry for my late reply I hadn’t seen this comment.
        It is hard for me to see how my own healing process is disregarding the pain of victims. I did not say that EVERYONE has to let go of their anger and pain, just that it is what worked for me. Pain, anger, hatred and resentment were toxic for me, they would have killed my soul, so I learned to let go of them. Now I am left with peace, and thus I can handle my encounters with my narcissist with serenity and control.
        My peace does not detract anything from others, so I fail to see how that disregards anyone’s pain.

        1. Windstorm2 says:

          Erin
          Letting go of anger and pain works for me, too. It’s not weakness or stupidity that makes me release my anger. I don’t wipe out the memories or fail to learn from them. But letting go of the anger after it’s served its purpose let’s me be truly free.

          1. Erin says:

            Well said, Windstorm2, I feel the same way πŸ™‚

          2. Windstorm2 says:

            Thank you, Erin. Based on your posts, we seem very similar in how we think in many ways. I would be interested in learning more about you if you wished to share.

      4. Ratatoskerin says:

        Windstorm,
        sure, I’d be happy to answer any questions!

  27. Merripen says:

    Skerin’s letter brought tears to my eyes. It is so beautifully written, so visually beautiful and a perfect metaphore of how she sees sees and manages her relationship with him. She is as wise as the ocean, sparing him all but her gentleness, because her empathy is as deep as the ocean. Her understanding, compassion and love for him are with him from the grain of sand out. She sees the whole of him, encompasses the whole of him. What a beautiful expression.

    1. Erin says:

      Aww thanks!

      1. Merripen says:

        Erin
        You are a brilliant writer. I was incredibly affected by the visual imagery and emotion of your evocative words. Your ability to interact with him and tolerate his behaviour came thru, because your letter so beautifully expressed your forgiving nature and knowledge of why he is as he is.
        I do wonder if you still live with him. I wasn’t sure, because it could almost be interpreted either way. It is the one mystery (unfinished part of the painting) that the letter’s visual story did not paint in. All day I’ve pondered this, but that is part of the beauty, too. Thank you.

      2. Erin says:

        Thank you, Marripen!
        If you prefer not to know, please disregard the next part of this comment.
        I am not in a relationship with this person, nor do I recommend anyone having a narcissist as a partner. No contact is not an option and I see my narcissist on a weekly basis.
        When negative fuel is required I do not provide it, which can cause the narc some annoyance, however I generally offer ample positive fuel (also to help lift the burden for any other people who might be targeted for negative fuel) and our “relationship” has much improved, although my narc does not control me and I have helped others understand the narcissist’s issue.
        I am currently engaged to a fellow empath, with whom I have been living for 8 wonderful years. Healing is possible, and it takes many forms.
        Thanks again for your lovely comments.

  28. abrokenwing says:

    Is this a blue pill from the Matrix on that picture?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No, it i’s a pearl ABW.

      1. abrokenwing says:

        Yeah , I know.

      2. Diva says:

        And there I was thinking that you were reaching for that selfie stick…..Diva

        1. HG Tudor says:

          No the camera is on a tripod.

          1. Diva says:

            I am happy to take your word on that……..Diva

  29. margeparge says:

    So relatable Skerin! Well said.

    1. Erin says:

      Thanks!

  30. abrokenwing says:

    Beautiful.πŸ’Œ

    1. Erin says:

      Thanks!

  31. Cheyenne Blackendorf says:

    Why am I able to like and then ‘unlike” where it says other bloggers “like? …,but I am not unable to “unlike” underneath the actual article (letter).

    On a little footnote here ….at this juncture of my life, I personally have no desire to write a letter even for myself directed toward narc. Because I know he most likely would not read it. And he sure as heck wouldn’t understand it.
    I’ve written so much supposedly ‘unread things to him through text. Trying to reason, reckon, come up with just any harmonious resolve…What is the reply …”I’m not reading any of that”. Yet still at the same time he is trying to coax me into extending an invite …., .hardy har har .

    1. Cheyenne Blackendorf says:

      Not (able) to ‘unlike’ underneath the actual article?

      1. Cheyenne Blackendorf says:

        Isn’t it interesting Mr. HG how you have stated in an article how you feel fiery, fury, or steamy feeling when you are silent treating target when she is beckoning for answer?
        I feel a broiling feeling anymore whenever I even seldom interact with Narc. Hmmm
        Premenopausal symptoms perhaps? Or maybe I’ve….just had enough .,of his demonicness

      2. HG Tudor says:

        See previous answer CB.

    2. HG Tudor says:

      If you mean you have liked it but wish to remove the like, you can do that.

      If you wish to just unlike from the off, you cannot do that.

  32. Not So Sad says:

    ” My heart is strong, I love you and I forgive you.”

    Sorry but the simple fact is that I cannot and will not love or forgive someone who slowly & insidiously tried to destroy my life, then walked away without a blink of an eye . It doesn’t deserve anyones love or forgiveness .

    I don’t care what happened along the line to turn it into the VILE creature it became.

    My only wish is that it suffers a very long, slow, painful & fuel-less death… .

    1. I absolutely agree with you, No So Sad! I am not feeling very comfortable with this acting of the Holy Empath…

      1. Not So Sad says:

        Thanks Ursula ..

        Call me the rebel in disguise, the hidden assassin because I swear if another narc ever tries to cross me, he’ll be eating his balls for breakfast .. ( There’s a thought πŸ™‚ )

        I never want to go through that pain again .. and if than means I lack empathy then so be it, I really don’t care ..

        As for loving & forgiving what it did , you can stick it where the sun doesn’t shine .. its never going to happen . Ever.

      2. Erin says:

        I personally do not think of myself as a holy empath, I have too short a temper, but I am sorry if my attitude makes you feel uncomfortable. I spent too long being angry and hurting; I tried to hate, but it just isn’t in me. Understanding that the narc acts this way out of pain helps me forgive and love (though not have a relationship! Not that type of love! I’m engaged to a fellow empath πŸ™‚ ). Sadly, as one loves a painting, ripped beyond repair, for what it could and should have been, I know there is no amount of love that could fix that painting, so I let it be. Love helped me heal, and thanks to that I was able to let go of my pain. This angers the narc, but I feel no guilt over this.

    2. Erin says:

      A valid sentiment. We all cope differently.
      I wish you all the best in your recovery, and I hope you find people who appreciate you and love you, truly. πŸ™‚

      1. Not So Sad says:

        I think this post was in reply to my comment forgive me If I’m mistaken Erin.. but if it is thank you .

        Indeed we do & if anyone finds comfort in forgiveness I would never judge as long as we can all find a way . πŸ™‚

        I haven’t submitted a letter but if I did it would be very brief ..

        “Hope you rot in hell cnt & ar4e raped for eternity.. ”

        Fuel yes but it would make me feel soo good . x

      2. ANK says:

        Not So Sad,

        That would have been my letter too. The words rot in hell were exactly the words that came to mind when I was thinking what I would write if i were to write a letter. More of a statement than a letter. But nothing more needs to be said.

    3. Christine says:

      Ditto

  33. M. says:

    I love the way this is written, although I don’t aggree with the content. I have been through that phase with him, “love conquers all”, but not any more. I have changed-that’s what narcs do to you.

    1. Erin says:

      Please do not misunderstand: I am not in a relationship with this narc. I would not recommend anyone being in a relationship with one.
      Love is what helped me move on, it conquered my sorrow and anger. It is an error to believe love can change those who do not wish to change, for that isn’t possible…But love was how I managed to heal. Hate would have killed my heart.

      1. Diva says:

        Erin……I hope my “little pearl” turns out just like you……Diva

      2. M. says:

        I did not misunderstand you, Erin. You misunderstood me-maybe I wasn’t clear enough. I followed the same path so as to heal (I always did that).Initially. Then it stopped working for me. Love, I mean.I am not that person anymore.

    2. Erin says:

      I see, M.
      Well, your healing is paramount, and if right now there is no love of any kind for your narcissist because of the pain caused, that is perfectly fair and understandable. The important thing is that you continue on your way to thrive and be happy. You owe your narc nothing, so if there cannot be love or forgiveness, there might still be your peace of mind.

      1. M. says:

        I just saw your answer, Erin, thank you for your kind thoughts.

  34. So beautifully written… so wonderful metaphors… so much intelligence, sensitivity and insight… and yet, nothing but precious fuel for the narcissist…

    1. Erin says:

      With the premise that it costs me nothing to provide positive fuel, unfortunately, this would not be fuel for my narc: she would see the “forgiveness” as a criticism because it would imply she did something wrong, and the comments about her not controlling me would be seen as more criticism. This letter would cause only injury. I do not wish to inflict that on her, it would give me no joy, so I wrote here what I could never send. I do not wish to cause harm.

  35. Kimi says:

    Skerin,

    Your letter is so eloquently written and your pearl analogy is perfection! Your writing struck a chord within me! Most significant to me, is your selfless gift of forgiveness and love to your Narcissist. I would hope that we all arrive at that state of mind and spirit following our recovery from a relationship with a Narcissist. Thank you!

    1. Erin says:

      Thank you so much, Kimi! I really appreciate your comment.
      I hope everyone recovers, too. *hugs*

      1. Christine says:

        Normaly im a very caring considerate kind soul . But meeting this person has tore my life apart – my children my gsmily friends work my whole being . I know there are many many more people like me who have suffered . My physicsl health my memtal health – its costing the nhs thousands to help fix me . Many empaths are wounded children but we dont go on to inflict pain and harm to others . This person i met is inflicting harm on many – why should i have forgivness for what he did purposely ? Maliciously hsppily ?
        Hes destroyed a beautiful soul – me . 22 months since discard – a brutal discard .

        1. Windstorm2 says:

          Christine
          He has not destroyed you or you would not be here writing. He has hurt you badly and wounded you, but you can recover from that. At first we’re shell-shocked and can’t seem to get anything together, but once that starts to subside we can begin moving forward toward a new future of our own choosing. Don’t despair. Set your sights on a future you want and focus on that. Begin moving forward and you will amaze yourself at how far you can go. That’s what I did and if I can do it, you can too.

  36. Cordelia says:

    Problem with narcissists is that they turn forgiveness into a ‘get out of jail free card.’ They think it lets them off the hook for the consequences of their actions; we know better.

    1. Witchy Wife...Ex says:

      This may sound strange but I refuse to forgive my narc and I’ll tell you why. It is a get out of jail free card… like you said, and he would use it mercilessly. I believe, that the universe only punishes those whose actions cause hurt AND unforgiveness. It’s like a burglar that is allowed to enter the homes of every person on the block but no one calls the police . Eventually people come to understand that this person is a thief and there is nothing you can do about it.
      However, if I buy a ferocious dog to protect my property from the thief and it hurts him he will learn to stay away. I know he will launch a smear campaign for sympathy. However, The truth is that neighbors are still getting stolen from and I can buy a new wide screen tv. Thus, those who require the narcs favour may always need it and I might as well cut them off to find my own community. Don’t be afraid of them it steals your life.

    2. Erin says:

      Cordialia, that is if you confuse forgiveness for lack of consequences. You can forgive a baby for biting you, because he doesn’t know any better, but that doesn’t mean you’ll let his mouth close to your hand again…

  37. Windstorm2 says:

    Very strong and powerful. How I feel for some of my narcs, but wish I felt for them all.

    1. Erin says:

      Thank you!

  38. Alex says:

    I don’t hate, but pity her. It is of no effect to cast any measure of Love before an empty black hole of a person. Realizing that even she was not to blame for the creation of herself is enough. Sad.

    1. Erin says:

      “An empty black hole of a person” actually fits very well as a description of a narc! It’s true, it’s very sad and pitiful to think what is must be like to be so hollow and empty inside…

  39. Rebecca says:

    This is exactly how l feel 😒

    1. Mona says:

      Erin, thank you again for your detailed and polite answer. I understand you from your point of view. And I believe it depends on the narc we had an encounter with. There are different degrees of nastiness, they are not all the same. I saw how my narc abused and mistreated other people too. He left his good, loyal and helpless friend (deadly disease) after 30 years of “friendship” to let him die alone because his friend had become useless, that is something, I cannot forgive. There is no forgiveness for such a kind of behaviour. I realised it too late, because on top my narc smeared his old friend to camouflage his lack of empathy and his selfishness. If it was possible, I would forbid my narc to mention my name ever again. I believe he still uses my good reputation to fool other people. I believe he is more a psychopath than a narc.

      I met another woman last week who is completely destroyed by her narcissistic, criminal father and her coward mother. She is insane now. Her father abused her (other family members too) sexually in a very violent way, from age five on (anal).
      He destroyed more than one life. There is nothing to forgive. Really nothing! He got away with it, because the whole family protected the criminal father. I do not think it was because of fear. It was because of the facade this ill family wanted to present to the neighbourhood. The family sacrificed the “weakest” member of the family to protect an ordinary criminal. What a strange world!

      I am in my real life a victim magnet. I listened to so many stories. Most of them were true. I am so tired of that . They tell me horrible things, because they know they can trust me.

      Why does the society always protect the perpetrators? Why does the society always give them help (therapy, understanding and forgiveness)? and why does the society always forget the victims?

      The victims often have to deal with their pain all alone, the empath find too often an excuse for the perpetrator. “He has had such a bad childhood.”

      No, there is no forgiveness for me. I have seen too much damage. I have a need for fair, strong and different laws which protect the victims not the offender.

      Do you understand me now a little bit better?

      1. Mona says:

        Erin, I am so in rage now! (not about you). I need a sweeping blow. I am often so in rage because of therapists who tell victims to forgive their parents or other perpetrators. The victims do not heal for years !!! They are not allowed to express their pain, their fury and their hate. They have to be “good” people and (exaggerating) have to thank their perpetrators for their “beautiful” life. This is another form of emotional rape of victims !! Again victimised. Told by people who should know better. Blind people.

        1. K says:

          Mona
          One of the best things about this blog is the fact that the moderator doesn’t seem to mind the hatred, anger and rage that some of us here express and I believe that he understands it, too. There is no tsk tsk, silly platitudes about forgive and forget, or daily affirmations.

          1. HG Tudor says:

            Correct.

          2. Windstorm2 says:

            So true, K. Often brutal truth, but truth nonetheless.

          3. K says:

            Exactly WS2, I don’t want the truth wrapped up in fairy dust and flowers and I certainly don’t need some therapist telling me to forgive my abusers. I share your sentiments regarding your comment to Mona; we are often sympathetic and good listeners to our narcissists and others, but there is no reciprocity or safety for us and that can be a burden.

          4. Diva says:

            Hi K……I don’t know the difference between forgiving and forgetting or just not giving a damn…..but either way…..that’s where I am……and it’s been a long time coming…….it’s like he doesn’t even exist………Diva

          5. K says:

            Diva
            I am with you on this one, and I think I am getting closer to not giving a damn anymore. Indifference sets us free. Thank God! K

      2. Windstorm2 says:

        I believe that I understand you, Mona. I feel a bond with you. My birth family was like that. The non-narcs lived in denial and pretended everything was good. Any of us who disagreed were scapegoated. Even the normals acted as narclike as possible to fit in.

        People have always come to me to tell their problems and pain also – narcs included. I understand this. I am a sympathetic and good listener. But it is a burden, especially when I had my own burdens and could not share them safely in return. And as I’m sure you’ve found, so often those who need to vent to us may not be able or even willing to be supportive in return.

        I can pull positive energy from nature and the weather and have a spiritual awareness that supports me. I hope you have sources of support and energy to help you, too. You do have a kindred spirit in Kentucky who thinks of you often and sends you positive thoughts. ⚑️⚑️⚑️

      3. Erin says:

        Mona, anger is good too. Whoever defines anger as a negative emotion doesn’t really understand how necessary it can be. If someone told me to forgive I would have been very upset… It’s just that My journey took me through pain, guilt, anger…I never got to hatred but I cam close and it’s just not me.
        I am lucky because I began to love again, first to love myself (that took 3 years and I sometimes still need to remember to be kind to myself), then I found love with a fellow empath and I gradually found myself being happy, content and at peace. That is when I saw the grain of sand for what it was (no contact is not an option) and I felt pity. From that pity came forgiveness, but it was at my pace, in my time, after I had healed.

  40. Mona says:

    What a beautiful letter!
    To say Good bye without accusations, a heart and a soul, which is wise.
    He cannot use this letter against her and he cannot get her back. It is over.

    I wish I could see the hidden pearls inside of my narc. I do not see them anymore and I do not love him anymore. Nothing left, no good memory, no hate, nothing. Only a huge amount of time which was wasted for and with the wrong person. That makes me sad.

    I do not feel pity with him, I do not feel compassion for him, I do not adore him, he crumbled in my opinion.

    I am disappointed about myself. I still feel shame and disgrace that I fell in love with him.

    1. Erin says:

      It is so easy to blame ourselves, that’s what narcs use against us. A man is walking and struck by lightning: is it the man’s fault? No, just like it’s not your fault you were struck.
      Your time was not “wasted”, at least not by you. He “wasted” time as he tried to fill his void but yet again does not realise nobody outside of himself can fill it: he’s like a madman pouring water into a bucket full of holes, blaming the water and not fixing the bucket! he is wasting time….But not you: you gave love, you tried to help, you lived through painful times which made you wiser…And in time much stronger and yet also more compassionate to others who have felt pain.
      Don’t be ashamed you loved the madman, be proud that you are able to love so deeply as to have tried and help him fill his bucket. It’s not your failure, it’s his. Years from now his hands will still be wet and raw, his bucket just as empty…
      Never be ashamed for trying to help.

      1. Tanya says:

        Your letter perfectly describes how I feel about my ex-narc, with the exception of the love, as I no longer feel love for him. I’ve moved on with my life, and healed the damage he did by investing the love I gave to him in my myself. I feel sorry for him that he will never know how loving yourself, or anyone else, feels. I don’t regret the time I spent with him because it taught me so much, and even though the love I felt for him at the time was not reciprocated, I know that my love was pure and real. It’s not his fault that he couldn’t feel the same in return. I have forgiven him and even thanked him for being part of my journey, for without him, I wouldn’t have had to learn how to pick up the broken pieces of myself and heal from the inside out. Such a valuable lesson! I will end this with a quote that perfectly sums up how to view a narc… “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” Maya Angelou

      2. Mona says:

        Erin, thank you very much for your comment. Of course it was his failure or better his nasty nature. I do not feel guilty or shameful because he did not love me. I feel shame that I loved him. You misunderstood me completely. It is a different view at the relationship and at me. I am lovable, he is not. I see no hidden pearls inside of him and if there are some, then they are cheap cultivated pearls, made for fake and fraud. My feelings and my thoughts, my whole belief system changed a lot.
        Before that encounter with him I believed in the concept of unconditional love. Now I think it is completely wrong, an invention of narcissistic people to dominate others through their gullibility.
        People I know who really love each other, love each other with and because of their conditions… (not without!)
        They follow the same values, have similar boundaries and respect and love each other because of the boundaries that exist. Completely different look at it.
        I have been much more compassionate before, I changed it. It is not my task to help and heal others or to forgive each failure of them.
        They know now and some narcissistic people withdraw now or are more careful. I am still in training, I still make mistakes. But at my job I feel the difference. There is more respect.
        In my opinion it is a mistake to become more compassionate after that encounter. That does not mean that you become stronger. It is the same old way of reactions that have been abused all the time. It is only the repetition and reinforcement of something which has not worked before. It has nothing to do with strength. Strength does not mean to be able to endure and survive bad behaviour,
        Strength is something different.
        Maybe many of the readers will call me a narcissist, because I feel superior to him. I have values, I follow them, I communicate and compromise, I try to live my life without hurting other people too much (although I do ), I build boundaries, I do not break down for a crumble of love, I do not change my mind every second minute, I feel responsible for the things I have done and will do. Sometimes I have to make decisions which are very hard for others. It is o.k. for me. I have a complete personality. I do not contradict myself a lot. And I am able to see my own mistakes and to apologise for it. I have a stable and complete personality. I see a sense in my life. And this sense is far away from supporting soulkillers. I do feel superior from a morale standpoint. I do not need his love or the love of anyone else to feel complete.

        .

      3. Erin says:

        Mona, I am sorry if I was not clear: I did not for one moment think you were feeling shame because he did not love you! I understand how one can blame oneself for falling in love with a narcissist, and that is the shame I was talking about!
        I think Tanya best explained what I mean about love and forgiveness never being wasted. She expressed beautifully the sentiment behind my own words.
        That being said, I think I might need to explain what I mean more clearly: let’s say you are with an infant (and that is how I see narcissists, as people whose emotional growth was completely stunted). The child managed somehow to grab hold of a toy hammer, and proceeds to hit your hand with it (your love being used against you). You can still love the child, understand that they are unable to comprehend their error at their age(or as a narc), but you are still taking the hammer away. That is why I do not see compassion as a weakness: I do not confuse compassion and forgiveness with absence of consequences; Love and forgiveness does not mean one is going to allow that to happen again any more than one would let a child continue to hit them with their toy, regardless how many tantrums the narc/child throws.
        I hope I was clearer.

        The narc I wrote the letter to is NOT someone I am in a romantic relationship with, I am happily engaged with a fellow empath, and I would NEVER recommend having a narc as a partner.
        It might not work for everyone, but love and forgiveness were how I found healing and peace, and through them I manage to face encounters with my narc, with whom no-contact is not an option.
        When the encounter is over, I feel serene, and the narc has either obtained positive fuel (which I give freely, as it might help diminish any other source’s chances of being targeted for negative fuel), or has received nothing when attempting to get negative fuel from me.

        ” I do not need his love or the love of anyone else to feel complete.” These are very important words, and I applaud you. Love for others can only be healthy if behind that there is also a strong love of self: we cannot pour water from an empty cup!

      4. Ana says:

        This is so helpful to read as I have been struggling with a lot of anger, resentment and the need for revenge. Thank you

  41. Kryptonite says:

    ❀

  42. Laura says:

    HG would a note of forgiveness even matter to a narq – why do we need to even entertain the notion … This letter is a letter to the empath , as to remind oneself that it is ok , it is ok to acknowledge that life with a narq is not right , the the means do not justify the actions…

    As hopeful as I try to be I know that I know empathy will not win – there will be no winners today

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hi Laura, do you mean would it matter that you express forgiveness towards us? If so, yes, it is fuel.

    2. Erin says:

      Personally I wrote this more for myself, as I would not want her to know am aware of her “problems”, I would think she’d see it as a criticism/deny it. Even forgiveness for her would be seen as criticism as it would mean she had done something wrong, which cannot be accepted. I do not wish to cause injury, I have no hard feelings for this narcissist, so it’s one of those letters one should not send.

      1. Erin says:

        But that’s because she’s a covert, “victim”, so of course could do no harm. I tried saying I forgave her once, and she began to go into a fury so I simply waited for her to calm down. She didn’t like that.
        A Greater would surely see this as positive fuel, which I give freely. I think maybe it would also be fuel for a lesser?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          My observations concerning the impact on the various schools who might receive such a letter will be provided at a later date.

  43. Ally says:

    WOW

  44. norma castillo says:

    oh I’m having trouble finding the words right now. this letter says exactly what’s in my heart.
    eloquent but painful to read.

    ***much love to the author ***

    1. Erin says:

      Thank you very much! *hugs*

  45. Beautiful letter. But for me in the last sentence I’d say ” I love and I forgive” it’s no longer just about him.

    1. Erin says:

      Interesting point! I like that attitude πŸ™‚

  46. Lisa says:

    Clearly a more forgiving soul than mine. Beautifully written.

    1. Erin says:

      Thank you!

      1. Lisa says:

        You’re very welcome Erin.

  47. foolme1time says:

    Very beautifully written! πŸŒ·πŸ‘

    1. Erin says:

      Thank you!

  48. You’ve put to words exactly how I feel. Thank you. <3 <3 <3

    1. Erin says:

      I’m glad you feel the same way! Thanks πŸ™‚

  49. Paula Sarno says:

    I don’ t . I don’ t hate , but I can not love darkness , I can not try to fix with love people that have no love inside . They try so hard, so many times all my life to break me , destroy me , just because I know about being empatic, spontaneous , happy , intelligent , full of nice confident feelings . I don’ t want to forgive you , you make me believe that hell is here …. well I keep love for myself …

    1. Erin says:

      It costs me nothing, and the narcissist in question causes me no pain, but I can understand how it would not be the same for someone else. You cannot pour water from an empty cup, so you do well to take care of yourself first and to go no contact when possible.

  50. Julie says:

    Forgive me if I have missed it, but how would one go about submitting a letter?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Email me.

      1. Salome says:

        Dear HG

        4:35 and you don’t sleep…
        (?!)
        I hope it’s because of your new book…

        1. HG Tudor says:

          It is because there is much to do Salome.

      2. starr says:

        I need to send a letter like this. By email or snail mail?

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