Toxic Logic

 

TOXICLOGIC

 

 

Confusion is at the heart of the narcissistic dynamic. Confusion causes several things to happen. You provide fuel far more readily, you submit to our control, you are easier to manipulate, your blame yourself, you cling on tighter and you do not move forward. Confusion reigns during devaluation. Confusion abounds post escape and especially post discard. Confusion keeps appearing during the hoovers which inevitably appear. The creation of confusion is a must for us if we are to keep our grip on you and achieve our aims. How many times have you said any of the following?

Why is he doing this?

I don’t understand why one moment she is fine and the next she is a howling banshee?

Why does he get so angry over nothing?

Why won’t he leave me alone?

I cannot work out what is wrong.

What’s the matter? What have I done wrong?

Why won’t you tell me what is the matter?

What was that for?

What did you say that for?

Why did you just do that?

These are all the common responses of victims who do not understand what is happening to them. This is because each and every single one of them is looking at the situation through their own world view and is accordingly applying their own logic to the situation. They are also doing so in a skewed fashion because that logic is heavily tainted by emotion which impairs clarity of thought. Not that our kind would complain about that.

One of the central planks to understanding the narcissistic dynamic is to understand our Toxic Logic. This is so-called because the effect of the application of our logic is that it has a toxic effect on you. Once you understand this toxic logic, you will make considerable advances into understanding why we behave as we do, why we say the things we do, why we react in the fashion that we do and why it impacts on you in such a fashion. You will not like this toxic logic. You will find it abhorrent but it is not necessary for you to like it. What you must do is apply it.

When you look at a situation adopting your worldview it is akin to staring into the dark of the night and looking into a forest. You may be able to see the trees because of the moonlight; you see lots of shadows but you cannot spot the man that is lurking there training a gun on you. Apply night vision goggles to that situation and all of a sudden you can see much more as they catch the infra-red section of the light spectrum and you can see the assassin clearly. Applying the toxic logic is the equivalent of switching to night vision. You will notice things that have been there all along. You will understand why we have responded in a certain way which has previously been a complete mystery to you.

Let us take the dinner table example. You have made dinner. you serve the four guests first, place a plate for yourself on the table and then serve your narcissist last. He knocks the plate to the floors spilling the food and breaking the plate. Your guests gasp. He stares at you, glowers and you watch shocked and puzzled as he storms off from the dining room. Why on earth did he just do that? Fifteen minutes later he returns, sits down and converses with you and the guests as if nothing has happened. How can he do that after such a display?

Looking at it from your worldview, you served the four guests first because that is polite. You then served yourself because your place setting was nearest to the food so that was practical. You served the narcissist last because he was furthest away and also you gave him more than the others since you didn’t have to save any of the food for anybody else, since everybody had been served. The evening had been proceeding in a friendly and pleasing fashion with everybody enjoying themselves. There is, from your worldview, no reason at all for this sudden display of temper.

He returns with no apology or sense of embarrassment at his behaviour and continues as if he has just been to the bathroom or to answer the door. He is pleasant and charming to both you and the guests. Again from your worldview, you are left puzzled by this behaviour. Who on earth behaves like that?

Now you apply the toxic logic and the reason is all too clear. By serving the narcissist last you told him through this action, which was not accompanied by any fuel, that he was not important. This was a criticism. This wounded him. His self-defence response to this wounding was the ignition of his fury. He could not keep it under control because of the type of narcissist that he is. The fury therefore manifested as heated fury. He tipped the plate to the floor spilling the food and breaking the plate. This caused drama and had all eyes on him. The guests were taken aback and their gasps of surprise and shock provided him with emotional attention, thus fuel. Your stunned reaction also provided him with fuel. He then walked out, drawing further emotional reaction from everybody assembled and in another room he has been able to draw on Thought Fuel as he imagines the ongoing reaction to his outburst. All of this fuel goes to the repair of the narcissistic wound that he has suffered. His fury will abate and he will return at some point as if nothing has happened.

Indeed, he returns, fury abated and is able to switch back without any show of concern to be charming and pleasant, thus drawing positive fuel from all those he is engaging with. Out of politeness, nobody mentions the incident, no doubt fearing a repeat performance.

This is but one example amongst millions that normal healthy people and empathic healthy people just cannot understand. Internally, those who witnessed the incident may be anxious, puzzled, pleased that it is over, wondering what caused it, wary of it happening again and a whole host of other thoughts. None of them will actually understand why it happened. It is only the application of the toxic logic that allows you to understand it.

So, what is this toxic logic? I shall example the main principles behind it. As you read these principles I know you will be thinking such thoughts as

But that is insane

That is ridiculous

Why live like that?

Can’t he or she see how crazy that looks?

Remember, it only appears that way because you are applying your own worldview to these principles. In order to understand and apply the toxic logic you have to let go of your logic – for the time being – and just accept that these are the principles we operate by. As I mentioned before, it is irrelevant whether you like them or agree with them. You should not feel any need to challenge them. You should just accept that this is the way that it is and once you do that, you will grasp why we are as we are. These are the principles of our toxic logic.

  1. Fuel is everything to us. It governs everything we do, whether by instinct or by calculation.
  2. Nothing is ever our fault. Nothing at all.
  3. We are entitled to do what we want, when we want, where we want, how we want and with whom we choose.
  4. You are the competition.
  5. Everybody is an appliance that yields fuel.
  6. If you do what we want, you are good.
  7. If you do not do what we want, you are bad.
  8. There is no middle, no grey, no inbetween.
  9. The end always justifies the means.
  10. We have no concept of remorse, guilt or a conscience.
  11. The world is against us.
  12. Anything that blocks, defies, challenges or calls into question our superiority is a criticism., if it is done without providing fuel.
  13. We hate criticism
  14. Criticism wounds us and ignites our fury.
  15. We must control our environment. Control is paramount to us.
  16. We do not recognise boundaries
  17. We have no empathy
  18. We mimic and copy to pretend we have certain emotions and feelings.
  19. We lie repeatedly.
  20. Fuel is everything to us – worth repeating.

This logic is toxic because the outcome is that you are manipulated. We abuse people, we use people, we trample on people and do so without any concerns at all for that person’s wellbeing. You will be considering such behaviour and outlook at odious and reprehensible and coming from an empathic individual that is entirely understandable.

Let us apply the toxic logic to another scenario.

You send your narcissist a text message asking when he will be coming home. You receive no reply. You text again. No reply. You ring. There is now answer. Your narcissist eventually appears at 2am when you are lying still awake in bed. There is no apology, no explanation and he says nothing to you but gets into bed and falls asleep. You are left worried, bewildered and upset.

From your world view you cannot understand why he did not respond to a perfectly reasonable text message. You cannot understand why he did not tell you he would be late. You know of no reason why he would stay out so late and not warn you. You find it hurtful and upsetting and you are confused because he is meant to love you and if someone loves someone then they do not behave this way. I have heard such comments many times.

Now apply the toxic logic.

The narcissist is entitled to do as he pleases. Thus if he wants to stay out, he can.

The narcissist is never to blame. Therefore, he feels no compulsion to warn you he will be late, to apologise for returning late or to offer any explanation.

Your text message sought to exert control over him. You are the competition. This is prohibited conduct.

The text message was not accompanied by fuel. By suggesting that he was beholden to you, this amounted to a perception of criticism by the narcissist. He felt wounded. Some narcissists could control the fury that is ignited and might have answered. This narcissist could not. His response was cold fury through a silent treatment. Hence the failure to reply and answer the ‘phone.

He gained Thought Fuel knowing that you would be concerned and worried at his failure to reply and him staying out late. This would heal the wound and abate the ignited fury.

He was justified treating you in this fashion because he is entitled and the end always justifies the means. Further, fuel is everything.

Thus, when looked at from the narcissist’s perspective, applying the toxic logic everything makes perfect sense to him, but viewed from your perspective it will not. The toxic logic will repeatedly explain to you why we suddenly erupt, go silent, suddenly apply the golden period again, why we carry on like normal afterwards, why we never apologise or if we do it is a false apology and so forth. Everything about what we say and do, how we behave and respond appears nonsensical, confusing and puzzling when looked at from your perspective. This means you give us fuel, try harder to please us, submit to our manipulations and remain in our grip. It also means that your empathic traits of needing to understand, wanting the truth, being good and decent and trying to help are catered for. Thus, sub-consciously, you are getting something you need from it, even though it is upsetting you, angering you or frustrating you. Our behaviour, lacking any logic in your world, keeps you where we want you and also caters for your empathic needs meaning you remain in place.

Every time something happens which perplexes you, you will suffer the consequences of our toxic logic. You are hurt, upset, mystified, anxious and so on. If, however, you apply our toxic logic to what has happened you will work out why it has happened. It is not always easy to do. it takes time to work it out. It takes discipline and repeated application in a way that is alien to you. You will not like it. You will not approve, but you will understand. Once you start to understand, you gain control. Once you start to understand, the toxic effects of being confused, bewildered and lost are ameliorated. Once you understand, you can begin to establish a way to deal with the application of this toxic logic so that the effects become less and less effective. You are then taking your first steps to freedom.

16 thoughts on “Toxic Logic

  1. Tappan Zee says:

    If (I mean WHEN) we build our logic boat as empaths and live less out of emotion ridden reactions (being conned) could not this same device be used my your kind? Shifting toxic logic to benign? Or is it not attractive because your machinations are “useful” (at least your construct tells you so..) thus no reason to build life rafts like we do? Our, or at least my motivation to change was less out of “want” and more out of not wanting. Pain. Futility. Et al. Since your kind are the doers and we are the done to, is that why we are set up or at least open to change? Because we come here bleeding out. Last resort. In need of transfusion? Vs. if we were the doers not the done to we may feel less (perhaps no?) reason to change. This is like ICU for me/us I suspect.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      We operate mainly through logic to being with, just a different logic to you.

  2. Caroline says:

    This is a great post, HG. Thanks for this info. Very helpful.

    I’ve realized I’ve been dealing with a narcissist. If you would be willing, I have questions for you:

    1. I understand why it would be fairly common for narcissists to “set you up” by saying they will call at a certain time – and not doing it – but my question is why they would continue to do so if you do not react to it? I think this narcissist has had a hard time finding a way to control me, as nothing works too well…I am very caring but have a sixth sense (gut check) about crapola, so although I had been confused (and frustrated) initially as to why he thinks all these games will benefit him (yes, I get that some have), I have noticed his patterns over time and just assumed he was a major control freak. So he goes silent, and after I caught on to this, I did too. Then eventually (weeks later) he has reached out for contact again. So what is the point?
    2) Over the phone, I have thrice detected a “cold voice” initially (nano second), as a reaction to my calling, followed by a bubbly, sweet voice that seems very pleased to hear from me (I seldom have initiated a call/I have never done so during his imposed silent times). It has been the most stark thing, thus far, that I could concretely observe about HIM directly. I’d like to know if that was more likely the “mask” slipping – or a deliberate attempt to confuse my emotional state. His go-to methods for me are confusion by way of never clarifying anything/delays and silent treatment. I find it weird he would not go for all my encouragement/positive attention for his supply. He’s done that, of course, but he seems to want something negative to transpire between us – but almost like he’s scared to go too far.
    3. I am going “No Contact,” but I have one thing that is strategically important to say before doing so (important to ME to say it – not an antagonistic or defensive thing to the narcissist/it will benefit me in a sense of peace)… if I have immersed myself in understanding “grey rock” and pitfalls to avoid in a very brief last conversation, would you still advise against it – or can it realistically be achieved? I feel ok about going No Contact without saying one more word — in the 6 months I’ve engaged with him he has made me feel uneasy and hurt my feelings a handful of times, but he’s not overtly criticized me (minimal attempts at subtly being condescending/one minor argument when he felt “insulted” and put on a show, but he’s not milked it)…he’s not succeeded at chipping away at my self-esteem, and now that I know what this IS, I feel fully empowered. However, I’d rather not see some huge drama play out at the end, so I’m just weighing out if it’s possible to get my own form of mini-closure without any major chaos.
    4. Early on before the craziness hit – to make me realize I was dealing with something very odd – I had a question/answer text game with him… one question was: “What is something you aren’t good at that you wish you were?” He put: “Being merciless for my own gain.” WOW. Never forgot that… even at the time, it registered with me that he meant the opposite, and it was startling. He outed himself! It just took me awhile to figure out from WHAT. So my final question to you is: Does he KNOW what he has… or would that answer indicate to you that he doesn’t know – or he never would so blatantly reveal himself?

    Thanks for your input, Mr. Master of the Game.

  3. Healing girl says:

    Please tell me what happens if we follow and understand the toxic logic, do not react, take the bait, and fall for their lies and manipulation and make them aware that we know what is happening. Are they likely to keep us around, or try to continue with their lies and manipulate us?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Dependent on the school of narcissist there may be an intensifying of the manipulation in order to draw fuel and bring you back under control, but ultimately you will be devalued and disengaged from as you are not functioning as we want you to.

  4. Patricia J says:

    HG, You are taking your writings to higher levels.
    I cannot believe how accurate and insightful this article is. I am 3 plus months “no contact” due only to finding you. Thanks.

  5. Rhyming Fun says:

    This is really a cool article because people are a

    1. Rhyming Fun says:

      because people are always getting a bit vexed by me because I’m so fuelish, but at least I know now that at least it can be appreciated by someone…

  6. Jean Anderson says:

    After being in an 8 year relationship with a malignant narc, reading all of these posts and now 2 of the authors books has become at times down right painful to get through a full reading. It tears at my heart threads so much that I cant finish the reading….. How in the world could I have been the strongest woman I knew ( many told me this also) to ending up the weakest pathetic peron I know as a result of this ongoing abuse…. For me to wrap my head around this at times is overwhelming; it becomes an task that proves to me either way I go within dealing with it that I am ultimately a failure within relationships…

    Why Trust anyone business or personal moving forward as I have proven to myself that my personal empathic “Radar” is faulted.

    I am not playing the poor me card. I am playing the someone damaged me to the point where I dont believe in myself anymore.

    1. Patricia J says:

      Dear Jean A,
      I relate tou you. I jus got out of 12 years boyfriend Malignant Narc. I am no dummy. Yet
      I am. Wow.

    2. NarcAngel says:

      Jean Anderson

      Welcome

      You are not weak and pathetic. You likely became a strong person by not giving up and you applied that logic to your relationship. Also, you are not a failure in relationships-you were just in one that failed you. That should not prevent you from having others or you are giving over your strength to him and he does not deserve any more of it. Your radar is not faulted-radar merely detects a target. More like your GPS sent you on an alternate and undesirable route. You have the power to recalculate and you will learn by continuing to read how to do that.

  7. susan says:

    Wow. Again. These last several articles have helped me like no others in understanding why he got so annoyed or agitated at me. We were in Florida. He was golfing. I just asked him what time he thought he would be back. He gave me one of those curt and nasty toned answers. I just thought he was the other personality Mr Hyde. He was angry for quite awhile. Not fun being on the receiving end of that kind of nastiness.

  8. MyTrueSelf says:

    This is a very clear explanation. Thanks. I know that for the purposes of making the point the dinner table scenario is used.
    But would you personally do that at a social dinner HG? Or would you take it out on your partner later in private?
    My ex seems to operate under the laws of “normal logic” or at least showing he understands it when in a public setting.
    Behind closed doors alone with him it can be very different ( which is classic abuser behaviour) indicating that on top of the Toxic Logic there’s added layer of carefully calculated bullying on his part.
    He claims, because I’m his partner, he expects more from me and that I should understand him better. (Which is why he has to come down on me harder)
    Does that mean that he is probably just your run-of-the-mill abuser with ubiquitous accompanying narcissistic traits? Or that he’s a ‘higher functioning’ narcissist? ( i.e. Sociopath/Psychopath?)

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Later in private. The maintenance of the facade is important. His comment about him expecting more from you and that you should understand him better is a provocative statement designed to draw fuel, it is to reinforce that he is control by attacking your self-worth and demonstrates his sense of entitlement. It is designed to make you work harder to try to please him (which of course you cannot do). That comment is indicative of a narcissist.

  9. gabbanzobean says:

    Good article, very informative. It tripped a question for me. I know in the past I’ve read that at the end of the day the slate is wiped clean so to say. What is white may easily switch to black at the flip of a switch and vice versa. Would a mid-range narc think back to events that transpired days prior? Or does the need for fuel sort of override this type of memory process? I hope my question makes sense.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      All is as the fuel requires it to be, so the slate will be wiped clean but then everything will be used against you again, should the need arise.

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