What You Say : What We Really Hear



I make repeated mention of how the key to gaining freedom is to understand. One of the central principles to understand with our kind is the fact that our perspective is very different from yours. You gauge our responses, our actions and our words through the lens of your world view. That is understandable, but it will only lead to you becoming mired in confusion, frustration and bewilderment, trapped in the quagmire of emotion which of course is where we want you to always be. We do not want you applying cool, hard logic to prise yourself free from our grip. We want you embroiled in emotion.

Of course we prefer to make it seem that you engage in double speak. Our private paranoia causes us to twist what you say in order to use it to our advantage, but then we always do this. We always seek to profit from fabricated misunderstanding and false inferences, but the reality is we do also actually hear something completely different from what you say to us because of our existence in a different reality.

Accordingly, you need to understand that we operate in a different world view to you and once you ascertain that world view, you are unlikely to like what you see there, but you will begin to make sense of what we say and do. As part of this understanding, you should appreciate that when you say certain things to us, we hear something else. Here are ten examples, to assist your comprehension of our kind.

  1. The dinner you made was lovely

The dinner you made was better than anything I have ever tasted before. Your skills in the kitchen are beyond compare. You are truly talented and gifted. I am so fortunate that someone as brilliant as you made something so tasty and delicious as that meal for someone like me. I am amazed and astounded by your talent and thank my personal god every day that you are in my life.

  1. I don’t know what I would do without you

You are my everything. My beginning and end. I am nothing without you. I would not function without your skilful operation of me. I have now submitted to your total control of me, I am in your hands, do with me what you will.

  1. I love you

I don’t just love you, I love you with everything that I have, every fibre of my being and every molecule inside me because you are so magnificent that I am compelled to provide you with this astonishing and amazing love. I cannot find the words to express the extent of my love for you but it is beyond anything I have ever experienced before because you made me feel this way.

  1. I hate you

You are powerful, masterful and the puppet master. You are so skilled that you can make me gush with emotion at the merest flick of your wrist or the raising of your eyebrow. I cannot help but feel like this because you have me so entangled in your dark and admittedly brilliant machinations. I may say I hate you but it is really a form of admiration at the magnificence by which you operate your dark arts.

  1. I don’t understand you

I am stupid and weak. If I wasn’t I would understand wouldn’t I. This is a frustrated admission on my part that I pale by comparison to you. You are a colossus, a behemoth who is far better than me and I can only look on in rapt awe as you forge your way through life. I don’t understand you but I wish I could be like you.

  1. Please stop hurting me

Your machinations are highly effective and I cannot stop spurting with fuel for you. You may as well keep going because you have me all worked out, but I still have lots and lots of delicious fuel to spill for you.

  1. No

I am trying to stand up to you but we both know that cannot happen. I am just a wretch compared to you, but I try to think otherwise, but I am doing this for you. I am saying this to invite you to exert your authority over me and to punish me for my insolence. I want you to do so because I know this is what my role is, a conduit for you to achieve what you want, so I say it so you can open the door to yes.

  1. I just want to be happy

I am a selfish person who as usual is putting my needs before yours which is completely wrong so you must correct me, teach me and make me learn my lesson in the way only you can do.

  1. I am sorry

I am utterly useless and pathetic. I ought to have known better but as usual I just decided to do what I wanted and forgot how that might impact on you. You are generous and kind and I beg your forgiveness in the knowledge that I deserve none. If you choose to make an example of me for my frequent erring and repeated apologies, then so be it. You know best.

  1. You are wrong

I want to destroy you. I am wounding you. I know how to weaken you and I have done this to bring you to your knees. Yes, I am a traitor, a treacherous betrayer of your magnanimous nature but I do not care. Does it hurt? Does it burn? Good. I want to see you weaken, shrivel and cease to exist.

35 thoughts on “What You Say : What We Really Hear

  1. analise13 says:

    HG, what does it mean if the narcissist says, I just want you to be happy?
    Do they really mean themselves?
    In their sense of happy, as in control.

    Do all narcissist detest being challenged ?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I want you to give me lots of positive fuel.

      Yes we all detest being challenged, it reminds us too much of being challenged when we had no power.

      1. analise13 says:

        Thank you HG.
        I understand about the challenging.
        It can wound you considerably.

  2. Mona says:

    as far as I know your narc, you will see no fury. He seems to be passive aggressive. The revenge of him will follow later. I am curious what will happen and whether I am right or not.
    Good luck! Please be careful and do not let him hurt you.

  3. Leslie Constantino says:

    And what about silence…

    1. HG Tudor says:

      See the article Saying Everything By Saying Nothing

      1. Leslie Constantino says:

        I cannot seem to find that article… so I am going to assume that this is “the” shortened version, lol. I did find others BUT it is in regards to what YOU do to US, this does not apply when we use your method of silent treatment.

        To be more clear, I thought that NC, silent treatment and all of that stuff eventually worked… Here I am, lil ol me following the entire NC rule… for months… and I can’t get a break. He just doesn’t stop…

        HG, please tell me that NC works for you. Please tell me that it does not anger you and that you do not act more arrogant, hateful and angry… what are your next steps in this instance?

  4. Insatiable Learner says:

    HG, if a secondary source tells the narc he is basically her everything and she is lost without him, how does the narc react to this? Thank you!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      He knows he has massive control over the individual.

      1. Insatiable Learner says:

        Thank you for your response, HG! Does this make her a valuable source of fuel or actually makes appear less interesting so to speak as there is nothing to conquer?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Depends on the school of narcissist and the victim’s place in the fuel matrix.

      2. Insatiable Learner says:

        HG, I wanted to provide further info in response to the following: “Depends on the school of narcissist and the victim’s place in the fuel matrix.” To the best of my knowledge, he is a mid-range somatic (middle mid-range). I was a secondary source intimate (most likely dirty secret) and now a NISS ( he has been with a new IPPS for about a year and a half; they just had a baby a few months ago). Could you answer my question based on this?

      3. Insatiable Learner says:

        Hi HG, apologies for being impatient! I have provided additional information for my question and would appreciate it very much if you could please answer it when you get a chance. Many thanks!

  5. gabbanzobean says:

    Hmm…. “NO”

    If he does show up next week and wants to have sex with me and I say “NO” I am wondering what to expect. Is it going to wound him? I have never said no to him. Ever. But now I want to say no. So very much. I want to “wound” him by resisting his sexual overtures. I want to see some fury. All I have yet to see fury. It is sickening that I need more proof of what he is. Ugh, no judgements please, everyone. Sigh.

    1. Windstorm2 says:

      My father used to say, “Listen to every fool’s advice advice, then make up your own mind.” Sometimes we just have to go with what we think is best, no matter what anyone else tells us. I’ve done many, many things that everyone advised against. Often, it worked out just fine. I understand your need to experiment and find answers.

      For me bucking advice and seeking answers is what affirms me as my own person – who I really am. And if it all goes south, I still learned answers and met my objective. Then I pick myself up and keep moving forward. Whatever happens Friday, Saturday will be a new day.

      1. E says:

        Well said windstorm 2.

    2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

      I personally would say no just to fuck him up and because I have a ridiculous amount of pride.

    3. Erin says:

      Saying no won’t work much because Narcs don’t really accept or acknowledge boundaries. Silence/no contact/ ignoring them is more effective.
      I think the worst injury ever (unintentionally) inflicted on a narc was to say that I did not want to continue contact with them because I was beginning something with a new person and I didn’t want to compromise this new relationship. Basically, telling him I preferred another over him wounded the narc terribly: he hung up, I didn’t call back (which I think wounded him more). He vanished for a few years, then there was a brief attempt at a hoover, and I have not heard anything from him in 11 years. Not all Narcs show their rage, some just go silent…And often that is the best thing for everyone.

  6. Rhyming Fun says:

    This is cute like a Teddy Bear saying these things- like a Chucky Teddy Bear.

  7. K says:

    Numbers 1, 3 & 5 and the words: Thank you sir, may I have another? come to mind with 7. No. Gosh, I was cheeky.

    My MMRN has hoovered me 7 times today in the 5th sphere (text) because our daughter is sick with a fever. He must be running low on fuel.

  8. June says:

    Wow…such a dramatic interpretation of every word, whether that interpretation is positive or negative.

    And…knowing how badly “You are wrong” hurts narcs, I guess I won’t say it anymore. Because I don’t mean any of what it is apparently interpreted as. But occasionally one wants to disagree without it being seen as “No Means Yes…Or At Least It Will When I’m Done.” 🙁

    So frustrating. It’s akin to two totally different languages.

    HG, is there even a word or phrase that will translate into “I disagree, but I still care about you and don’t want to destroy/crush/obliterate you”?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No, the first two words are problematic.

  9. Cyndee R says:

    To everyone on this blog, this is bat crap crazy this is the first time meeting a narc and from the first meeting I knew something wasn’t right. This is a worst nightmare that shows up in your life. I ejected myself from this crazed female narc and I will never forget that mask falling right in front of me.
    I don’t know it all but HG has really told us enough to make an informative decision on what’s going on inside the twisted mind of the narc.
    Thanks so much for explaining so much.
    I just wish besides the ignore feature what else can be so distasteful to your kind.

    1. Windstorm2 says:

      Cinder r
      Emotionless criticism always works for me. But none of mine are violent.

      1. Patricia J says:

        No No No..falling asleep during sex…..it
        is the best.Ha!

    2. Tappan Zee says:

      Cyndee. You can say shit.
      Batshit crazy even.
      It’s a thing.

  10. Tappan Zee says:

    This piece was lovely.

  11. Vicky says:

    HG That’s why the narc keeps going when the victim says NO!? How many times I said not to my narc? Many times!! He will keep going no matter what! And then he would tell me that he knew deeply inside me I wanted it more than anything, that he could read and see in my eyes I wanted it, that I was asking and begging him for it (especially talking about phisical and sex abuse)…..

  12. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    Explains why my ex used to get crazy when I would say he was wrong or something close to it lol.

  13. Windstorm2 says:

    I remember the first time I read this. I was appalled. Now I laugh. I did learn never to tell one I’m sorry and the power of letting them know that they are wrong. That ones very useful. 😉

  14. Mona says:

    Thank you for your answer. I understand.

  15. Diva says:

    “You are wrong” has just become my favourite line…….Diva

    1. Diva says:

      Bloody hell…….I have just realised that I don’t have a narc to use my new favourite line on…….I might have to test it out on you HG……Diva

  16. E says:

    Done all this, said all that many times and was confused why he was keep hovering me…now its all make sense. The best way is to ignore him and say nothing. Right?

    1. HG Tudor says:


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